The BLTS Archive - Points of View
Jean-Luc Picard: Tell Beverly....
by Mariel (mjlisi@cgocable.net)

---

Disclaimer: This is written to compliment wolfen's POV series. It's
written in Picard's POV. The cabin scene mentioned can be found in her
original story Picard POV, "Say Goodbye" - which can be found on her
web page. Read it: you'll love it.

---

Walker Keel and I have been best friends since our Academy days. It's
one of those relationships you have that just feels right somehow. I
think we find in the other something that compliments us.

When he introduced me to Jack Crusher, I knew that here was another
man I'd be friends with for life. Rather surprising, I suppose,
considering our difference in age and experience, but we became
friends nonetheless.

When it was time for a promotion off Walker's ship, I was there to
offer Jack a position with me on the _Stargazer_. It's worked well. We
are comfortable with each other, know how the other thinks, and
usually agree on whatever course of action we take. When we don't
agree, we get over it.

Our first months on the _Stargazer_ together went well. We did a
number of perimeter surveys, exploring new areas of space, and we were
both fascinated by our experiences. During this, we of course became
better and better friends.

Returning to Earth for a few months to overhaul our propulsion
systems, we went our separate ways - he had a ton of leave due him and
I still had my duties on board the ship and, of course, other friends
to see. I also struck up again with Rita, and naturally, spent a lot
of time at LaBarre....

When the ship was ready to head out again, Jack came back filled with
excitement over a woman Walker had introduced him to.

"Her name's Beverly...Beverly Howard," he said, as though just saying
the name gave him pleasure. "She beautiful, intelligent, witty,
energetic, and has the most incredible blue eyes..." he told me.

More than once, I might add.

"I do believe I see a man smitten," I teased him, knowing he had a
predilection for having a woman in every port.

He looked at me and smiled. "I think perhaps you're right. I had no
idea you could become so close to someone in only a matter of weeks. I
can't imagine life without her," he said, looking quite pleased with
himself.

I came to like Jack smitten. This was the first time I'd heard him
rave about anyone, and it seemed to suit him. He seems more settled,
more focused, somehow.

That's why, now that some time has passed and there seem to be a few
clouds on the relationship's horizon, I've done the best I can to see
him through it....

When he comes back from a week's leave on Earth and is again
questioning himself, I lay it on the line. "Jack, you've known her now
for more than six months. Granted, talking about marriage already
might be considered a little soon, but you're both adults and you both
seem to know what you want out of life. She sounds wonderful, I know
*you're* happy, so I don't see the problem."

Sitting back, I comfortably set my feet on the table in front of me,
and, in my best advice-giving voice say, "You know we're due out for a
longer mission soon. Why don't you set a date for when we get back, or
at least agree that that might be a good time to finally commit? It'll
give you time to think things out, get rid of any lingering doubts."

He nods.

And now, three days later, he's here in my quarters telling me he and
Beverly have set a date - two weeks *before* we are due to leave on
our mission.

"It'll give us time for a honeymoon. She wants to get things settled
before I leave, and I can see her point. If we're going to do this
later, we'd might as well do it sooner. That way, she can look around
for a larger apartment and get it furnished while the _Stargazer_ is
away. It doesn't make sense for us to have to do that sort of thing
when I'm on leave, if she can do it while I'm gone."

I feel a touch of disquiet at this sudden turn of events, but nod,
wishing I had at least met the woman. However, I've been encouraging
this relationship all along, based on what Jack and Walker have told
me about the woman, so now doesn't seem the time to start throwing
cold water on the idea.

"Perhaps now I'll find the time to meet her," I tell him.

He smiles. "You'd have met her already if you weren't so busy with
this damn ship and Rita, or Sandi, or whoever it is you've been seeing
lately. We don't leave for eight whole months. I plan on you seeing a
*lot* of her. You're going to love her, I just know it!"

I nod, hoping he's right. Walker would only introduce him to someone
quite remarkable, and I can't see Jack falling for someone I'd hate,
but you never know....

---

It's been two weeks, and finally I'm about to meet the Beverly Howard
who has captured my friend's heart. I look with amusement as he
nervously walks up to the building she lives in. He glances back at
me, eager, I know, for me to like this woman.

She must have been waiting in the foyer of the apartment complex,
because as he reaches the large glass door, it slides open and a tall,
slender red-head throws herself at him. They embrace and I nod with
satisfaction. She's certainly glad to see him! You'd think it had been
months rather than days since he had seen her last.

He wraps a long arm around her small waist and they turn toward me,
walking down the steps together. Yes, this girl is lovely. Her smile
is warm and by the way she looks at him, I know she's in love with
him. I stand there watching them and feel satisfaction. I was right to
encourage him to hold on to her when he was wondering if he was
getting too serious too quickly. Now, I think, if she has the
personality to match her looks...

As they reach the walkway, I hear the last of what he's been saying to
her. "You're going to love him..."

She smiles, and turns clear blue eyes to meet mine. I blink when I see
their depth and barely hear the introduction. "Beverly, I'd like you
to meet Jean Luc Picard, captain and friend extraordinnaire."

Taking the hand she extends to me, I smile in return and say hello.
The world telescopes and I hold my breath when our hands meet. The
warmth of her hand seems to permeate through me. I feel my whole life
shift and somehow know I am no longer the man I was just seconds
before our meeting. I see her eyes widen. She seems to falter, then
her smile returns and she says, "Jack and Walker have told me so much
about you. It's nice to finally meet you."

My heart sinking, my pulse racing, I know my life is about to take on
an entirely different tenor, and it fills me with fear. Here, in the
form of a rather wild red-head with smiling blue eyes and a confident
manner, is a woman my whole being wants to reach out to...

There is something about her that, had circumstances been different, I
would want to dive into head first, relishing the experience.

This however, was one experience I know I will have to forego. It's
forbidden, unthinkable, and I know I will learn to be content without
it. Looking at her again, I correct myself: not content - perhaps the
better word would be resigned, or accepting of it.

Uncertain of both my reaction and hers, I slowly release her hand and
say, "And I've heard a lot about you. Jack is a happy man."

She tears her eyes away from mine to look at Jack. "I should hope so!"
she says, taking a small step backward into the protection of her
fiance's arm.

Jack is looking from one of us to the other, an uncertain smile on his
lips. Drawing myself away from my response to this woman, I try to
regain my footing. "We should probably be going," I say, "we'll miss
our reservations for dinner."

---

The evening has been pronounced a success by Jack. He returns to the
ship in the morning, dying to find out what I think about Beverly.

At first he is worried I don't like her.

"You didn't talk to her much, Jean Luc."

"Oh?" I answer, taking refuge in monosyllables.

"No. She's going to think you don't like her."

"I'm sure she hasn't given me a thought one way or the other," I tell
him, hoping it is true, praying it isn't.

I look at Jack, so young, so confident, so happy...and feel a wave of
protectiveness for him. The damn problem is that a little voice is
whispering that it is *me* he will have to protect himself from....

But I am confident the attraction I feel for his fiance will pass.
I've been attracted to women before (too often and too fully, Maman
would have said) and am confident that I will be able to turn this
*feeling* I have for Beverly Howard into something I can live with.
There are many, many women in the universe, yes?

---

By the time Walker, my best buddy and confidant, calls, I am over the
worst shock of it. During the months before the wedding, I see Jack
and Beverly a good number of times. They are happy together, and there
is nothing I can say against their relationship - except for the
unfathomable, questioning look in her eyes when she and I are alone
together...

At any rate, having heard Beverly Howard and I had finally met, Walker
wants to know how it went.

"So, what do you think, Jean Luc? Aren't they something? I think Jack
will be good for her," he says.

I smile and nod. "Perfect. He's very happy. They both seem to be. I
was a little surprised Jack was so eager to settle down so quickly,
but all things considered, I think I understand why."

Walker angular face laughs at me from the viewscreen. "Me too. And it
worried me as well, but at least it proves that I chose right."

I frown. "*You* chose right?"

He nods and smiles. "I was in a real quandary about who to introduce
her to - and had boiled it down to between you and Jack. I knew you'd
likely do your song and dance - you know how you get when you think
someone's trying to fix you up...and I've heard you're seeing Rita
again...and you *are* a little old for Beverly, not," he grinned,
"that *that* would have stopped anything...but, he was in town, so..."

I school my features, trying not to close my eyes at the sense of
loss. "You're a smart man, Walker."

"I know. Sometimes I can't believe how smart. I can't wait until we're
all together. My ship doesn't arrive at Earth until the day before the
wedding, but at least we'll have some time to talk."

---

The night before the wedding, after spending the afternoon with Jack
and reassuring him his future with Beverly will be bright, Walker
shows up at the rooms I am staying in. God, it's good to see him. I am
surprised when he expresses some concern over the marriage. To avoid
betraying myself, I treat his concerns casually.

"They're adults, Walker, and crazy about each other," I say, passing
him a glass of wine from the supply I've brought back from home.

Walker is reassured, I think.

Until he sees us together. Then, I know he knows. Or, at least, I am
terribly afraid he does. I feel him stare when the four of us finally
meet at the party, and can sense his disquiet. But I never say a word,
and refuse to respond to anything I think might be gentle questioning
in that area. Walker and I are friends - brothers, if you like. The
kind of brothers I wished Robert and I could have been. But this I
can't share with anyone. My longing for Beverly Howard is something I
can't talk about, something I must hold tightly within myself for fear
it might escape if I do otherwise....

Jack is my friend, my first officer. Whatever I feel I'll get over.

---

During the months we spend in deep space after the wedding, I hear
about Beverly constantly. Jack minutely dissects and discusses each of
her many communiques to him. It allows me to distance myself, and
without her presence, I begin to think the worst of my fascination for
her is over. It was just a crush, I tell myself. Something silly a man
my age should know better than to feel...

Surprisingly, when we return to Earth, Jack calls me the second day
back and invites me over to their new apartment for the following
evening.

"Jack, for heaven's sake. You just got there. You've a new wife who
hasn't seen you for months. The last thing you need is to have
visitors. Besides, I've called Rita. She's back from her last tour of
duty. I've invited her out."

"Good!" He says. "You can bring her too. I know Beverly would like to
show off the apartment to more than one person; especially if that
person is someone who appreciates more than a view of the stars."

I smile. "I don't know if Rita fits the bill, Jack. She's rather fond
of stars herself."

"Well, bring her along anyway. Perhaps seeing our place will give you
two ideas."

I groan. "Not you, too. Rita and I have an understanding, Jack. We
enjoy each other, but..."

He waves his hand at me. "No buts, Jean Luc. Bring her. We'll expect
you for dinner. Around 18:00. That'll give us time to talk before we
eat."

I give in. Part of me wonders if this will be when I discover I'm
really over this fascination of mine.

---

Beverly opens the door to greet us when we arrive. I see her eyes
light up when she sees me standing there. Then she turns curious eyes
toward Rita. Rita is used to appraising looks and smiles confidently,
her grey eyes crinkling at the corners as she extends her hand. To my
surprise, I feel a tension between the two of them I'm unsure of, but
the moment passes.

The evening goes by quickly. Beverly seems happy in her temporary
domesticity, and the bantering way of talking to one another Beverly
and I developed in the months before the wedding continues between the
two of us, keeping the conversation light and enjoyable.

I breathe a sigh of relief when we leave, though. To my
disappointment, that strange something that so disconcerts me is still
there between us.

Rita is no help. "What is it between you two?" she asks on our way to
her apartment. "I thought you'd only known her a short time before
they married. You two sounded like you've known each other all your
lives."

I shrug. "We get along all right. She makes Jack happy."

She shoots me a strange look that makes me a little uncomfortable as
she keys her door open, then smiles oddly. "Jean Luc, you forget how
well I know you. Good thing for me she's married. I have no intention
of spending this leave alone."

I follow her into the apartment, looking forward to being close to
someone, to making love to her. I do not try to decipher her meaning.

---

Our leave ends, and Jack resumes his duties a happy man. We're out
running the perimeter again, and we're there when he hears the news.

"Jean Luc! We're pregnant!" he exclaims, bursting into my room
unannounced. "I can't believe it!"

I can't help but smile at his enthusiasm. "That's wonderful!
Congratulations!" Watching as he throws himself into the chair
opposite me, I tease, "There's the end to your carefree days, Jack.
You'll be wanting to find something that keeps you closer to Earth and
the family now."

I know immediately that I've said something wrong, though I'm not sure
what. The light goes out of his eyes for a moment, then he shrugs and
says, "No way! Beverly is quite able to handle things on her own. This
has come at a very bad time for her - she has her finals coming up
soon. The farther I am from her, the better. The last thing she needs
is another distraction."

Somehow, I doubt the veracity of that, but not being in the situation
myself, I refrain from further comment. Besides, I'd hate to have to
break in a new First Officer, and I'd miss having Jack's company.

---

Jack has been home twice in the five months since the kid's birth. (We
all call him 'the kid', except Beverly. Everyone but she and Jack
*hate* the name Wesley.) Not bad, considering. I don't think he'll be
as fortunate in the near future, however - our schedule is full and
our trips out seem to be getting longer.

This, as far as Jack is concerned, is both a blessing and a curse. At
the moment, Star Fleet Headquarters is going through a "we should meet
and discuss this face-to-face" phase. As captain of the ship, I am its
victim. Jack, naturally, loves it. He has it in him to be a captain,
and my being called back to Earth for these crazy meetings allows him
to spread his wings in that direction. So, though he won't get home as
often, he *will* be able to play captain. The experience will do him
good and likely mean that he'll leave for a ship of his own a little
sooner, but that's what it's all about isn't it? I'll miss him, yes,
but it'll be good to know he's out there, doing what he loves best...

 My door beeps and Jack enters. //Speak of the devil,// I think.

"Jean Luc," he says, crossing to the table in front of me and
depositing several oddly shaped boxes on it, along with a couple
padds. "I don't suppose you'd mind taking these to Beverly? Just a few
things I've picked up here and there, and a couple letters, to give
her something to read."

I smile. Last planetfall, Jack was going crazy, trying to find
something to send home. The marketplace was huge and I swear I spent
three hours with him trying to find the perfect gifts for her.

Things have changed since the days we just headed to the nearest bar
to enjoy the night life...

Anyway, he'd held up this godawful brownish-purplish scarf made of
some sort of velvet or something. "This is perfect!" he'd exclaimed.

"For what? A dust ruffle?" I asked. Looking around the small shop,
which seemed to deal almost exclusively in scarves of all shapes,
sizes and colours, I spotted something blue to bring out the colour of
her eyes and to compliment her hair. "Here," I said, tearing it off
the rack and pushing it at him. "Buy her this. She can wear it around
her neck or tie her hair back with it. Now let's get out of here."

He shrugged and did as he was told. There were times he knew it was
easier not to argue. And he was getting bored with the shopping too, I
think...

I knew the scarf was in one of the packages. Heaven knows what else
he'd bought on our other shore leaves; I'd gotten smart and stopped
going with him, waiting until he signalled an all-clear and was ready
to hit a bar. Then we'd meet and act like civilized men.

"So?" he said, breaking in upon my reverie, "You'll take them to her?"

"She'll get them. If I don't have time to take them myself, I'll have
them sent over," I tell him, doubting there'll be time for visits,
hoping there won't be. I'd cut things pretty fine with my arrival and
departure times, not wanting to be gone any longer than necessary.

Jack frowns. "I'd really like you to try to see her. I won't be home
for months, and it'd be nice if..."

"If I can, I will, but I won't make promises, Jack." To be honest, the
idea doesn't appeal to me on a number of levels. I know that part of
me would love to see her, and the thought of seeing her without Jack
there also has its own guilty attraction. That worries me.

"I'll tell her to expect to hear from you, just in case," he says
happily, taking my non-promise as a 'definite maybe'. "It won't hurt
you," he insists. "Just for a while, just to see if she's really doing
all right. She'd tell you when she wouldn't tell others. And I know
she likes seeing you."

I sigh and nod, knowing I'll likely go.

"Tell Beverly I love her for me..." are the last words he says to me
before I beam onto the transport that will take me to Earth. I take
his instruction as a hint he is expecting me to go.

And I do go visit her. I'm tired, rushed, and leave it to the last
minute, but I go. She welcomes me at the door with a smile and a hug.

"Ah, come in! Wesley's been quiet all evening! I just might have the
chance for some adult conversation that doesn't involve weaning or
diapering, if we're quiet."

Trying not to wince at the mention of either, I move into the
apartment and glance around. Evidence of 'the kid' are all over the
place. Toys, blankets, little sleepers...they're scattered everywhere.
"Do I get to see this wonder child?" I ask, knowing it's expected.

She smiles a brilliant smile and leads me into the baby's room.
Thankfully, he's lying there quietly in the dark, eyes closed. He's
very small, and the room smells like baby. Not a bad smell, I suppose,
but different. Without thinking, I reach out a finger and touch his
cheek. My breath catches and I suddenly feel very large and clumsy.

"So small," I murmur.

She nods, her glance going from me to the baby. Smiling, she touches
my arm and gestures towards the door. I follow.

Motioning me to continue into the living area, she goes into the
kitchen. "Earl Grey, right?" she says, her voice only slightly raised
so as not to wake the baby.

I reverse my course and turn back to the kitchen. No point in waking
the kid if we don't have to. "Good memory," I say in a low voice,
watching in surprise as she turns on an electric kettle.

Reaching up into the cupboard, she takes out two cups and a tea pot.
"There's a tray on top of the cooking unit, if you don't mind," she
says as she searches through several boxes in a drawer, then takes out
one labelled 'Earl Grey'.

I find the tray, and bring it to her. She puts the correct amount of
tea leaves in a china tea ball, and, water ready, she pours it into
the pot. The tea ball is then lowered into the water to steep.

"Reminds me of my childhood. Not many people bother with this
anymore," I note casually, enjoying the familiar process.

"Replicators are all right, but Nana always likes her tea made the
'proper' way," Beverly says quietly. "I like to keep the tradition
when I can. I knew you'd appreciate it"

Taking the tray, I carry it out to the living area.

We sit across from each other, she on the sofa, me - once I've moved a
small blue blanket and a rattle - on an overstuffed arm chair. She
begins to pour our tea, her red hair glinting in the lamplight, and I
suddenly wonder what we'll find to talk about. I feel a guilty relief
that I can at least use my transport as an excuse to leave in half an
hour or so.

Three hours later, I look at the chronometer in disbelief and rise to
my feet hurriedly. "I have to go. My transport leaves in less than
thirty minutes. I should have been booked in there more than an hour
ago. I'll just make it, if I'm lucky."

Surprised, she follows my glance to the timepiece on the wall and also
stands. "Oh, Jean Luc, I'm sorry! I had no idea of the time. It's been
wonderful to talk to someone who can talk back."

I frown. "Jack should call you more often."

She lifts a hand in protest, smiling. "Oh, no. We talk too much as it
is. Once the conversation about Wesley is finished, we kinda look at
one another wondering what to say next!"

We smile. That hasn't been our problem tonight. To my surprise, I
realize I haven't felt uncomfortable all evening. She's good company,
and though I still feel that attraction, it's something I know I can
live with.

"Thank you for your hospitality," I say rather formally.

She laughs. "No thanks needed. I enjoyed having adult company. It's me
who should be thanking you."

I leave, feeling relieved. I'm still as attracted to her as I was the
first time we met, but it's changed somehow, I think, and I feel good
about the evening.

---

I'm standing in my quarters, looking at Jack like he's grown two
heads. He's sitting there, in that ugly, cushioned chair I picked up
on Drina II, and turning down the chance for some shore leave on
Earth.

"Jack. This is crazy. We're going to be within a stone's throw of
Earth. There's no reason you can't take some leave and come with me.
The conference is only for a week - we can get that survey done
afterward."

Jack, however, is adamant. "No. I can't take the time right now. The
Institute des Sciences asked for me specifically, Jean Luc. I can get
out there, do the survey of the asteroid belt and be back by the time
you're finished. Beverly already knows I can't make it."

I shake my head. I want to ask him if he has his priorities straight,
but hesitate to mention it. He's a grown man and doesn't like being
told what to do with his personal life any more than anyone would. I
know that these last few months he's been driven by his work,
enthusiastic, focused...perhaps this chance to take the _Stargazer_
out by himself will get some of it out of his system and I'll be able
to talk him into a little shore leave later.

I go to the replicator and call up a couple drinks for us. Turning, I
can't help but ask, "And what did she say?"

"About my not coming?" He looks a little odd, then says cautiously,

"Well, she was disappointed, of course, so I..."

His pause tells me he's going to say something I don't want to hear. I
ask to hear it anyway. "So you what, Jack?"

"So I told her I had an evening all planned for her. And...that you
were going to take her out."

The last few words came out in a mumbled rush, but I know I've heard
right. "You *what*?" I try not to raise my voice, but it's difficult.
Putting his glass down on the table in front of him a little sharply,
I tell him, "Jack, I'm no substitute for you. It's *you* she wants to
spend her anniversary with, not your commanding officer."

"..And best friend, I think you might add," he quickly says. "Jean
Luc, please. I really want to do this survey. Beverly won't mind at
all once you're there and you two are out on the town together.We'll
have lots of other anniversaries..."

"But you'll miss seeing Wesley too," I protest, not certain how to
take his insistence. "He must be growing like a weed."

A trapped look crosses Jack's face, and I feel a sinking sensation.
//Oh god, no...// I think. He's not regretting....

"Jean Luc, don't worry. Just do this one thing for me, will you? I'll
make up for it next time. I've a bunch of leave coming, so I'll take a
whole block of it and take them away somewhere for a couple weeks.
It's just that right now..."

He doesn't have to finish. Right now, going home is inconvenient, not
what he wants to do. Not that I don't understand - believe me, I don't
envy him. It was one of the reasons I've never regretted being single.
Not having a family meant one less thing you have to feel responsible
for and guilty about.

Still, I have to protest. "Jack, I'm going to be very busy with
meetings. I don't even know if I'll have the evening free that you've
promised her. Isn't there someone else who could take her out? Someone
who knows her a little better?"

He shakes his head. "No. I want you to take her. You two get along
well, she enjoys your company...Please, do this for me. I know I
shouldn't have told her before checking it out with you first, but..."

And again, he doesn't need to finish. It's obvious the idea had struck
him while he was talking to Beverly and he just blurted it out as a
means of diversion.

Disappointed in him, and dampening the feeling I have at the thought
of spending an evening with Beverly, I tell him, "I've seen her the
last three times I've been back on Earth, bringing gifts and your
apologies. It isn't fair to her, Jack. I don't understand how you can
think this is going to make up for your not being there."

He nods, brushes a lick of brown hair off his forehead, and takes my
last comment as a tacit 'yes'. "Thanks, Jean Luc, I knew I could count
on you. I had no idea that being married would be so hard. I hate
feeling torn like this. I do love her, you know that...it's just that
there are so many other things I want to do, and..."

I nod, and place a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Jack. But you do
understand that you're going to have to get things straightened out,
don't you? You really do need to get home more."

He turns and smiles at me, the man of doubts gone in the blink of an
eye. "And I will, just as soon as this survey is over. I miss them
like crazy, you know. Thanks for being a friend and filling in for
me."

As is becoming the rule, "Jean Luc, tell Beverly I love her for me,"
are his last words to me as I beam away.

---

 I arrive at her apartment to take her out on her third anniversary
just as Jack has planned. She answers the door looking every bit as
beautiful as I remember.

The evening starts a bit uncomfortably - I feel awkward about Jack not
being here, and Beverly, I know, is trying to make the best of a
situation not of her making. By the time dinner is served, however,
we're enjoying ourselves. Perhaps we've forgotten, for the moment,
that either of us has ties outside this one evening.

So, with me relaxed and her relaxed, I taste a forbidden joy I hate
myself for. Once in a while I see her start to reach out to touch my
hand as she speaks, then drop it self-consciously. Our *connection* is
certainly there, humming in the background and not to be ignored.
Though we do nothing that two friends wouldn't do, talk about nothing
that two friends wouldn't talk about, I see in her eyes she is
enjoying herself because *I* am with her.

The thought elates me. I revel in the feeling of being totally in tune
with her, of affecting her in perhaps some of the ways she affects me.

"I don't want to go home yet. Take me to 'The Conja'?" she asks as we
prepare to leave the dance club we've come to after our dinner.

I smile. 'The Conja' is where Walker met her. It's a noisy, crowded,
crazy place. I hesitate, not really feeling like that kind of
surrounding, but then nod, "Why not?" I grin. "Who knows when I might
get the chance to go again?"

And who could hope to resist those blue, beguiling eyes?

She smiles. Perhaps she knows that it is just for this evening, too.

---

When I return to the ship, Jack is there waiting in the transporter
room to greet me.

"It couldn't have gone better!" he exclaims before I have the chance
to step down from the pad. At first I think he is talking about his
anniversary plans. His next words correct me. "The ship's in fine
shape, I got the info the Institute needed, and we're back on time and
ready for a quick turnabout."

I smiled and said, "You're making me feel very unnecessary."

He slaps me on the shoulder. "Well, you were certainly needed on
Earth. I hear the meetings went well. I'm glad you got that extra
technical support I've been begging for." He turned as he got to the
door of the transporter room and added, "Oh, and Beverly told me she
enjoyed the evening out I planned for her. I owe you thanks for that,
too."

I nod, glad he had remembered to mention her, and push away my guilty
feelings at the enjoyment I still feel from doing him that favour.

---

It's been a few months now, and life has continued as usual. There's a
restlessness in Jack that's been troubling me a bit. I know he's
chomping at the bit for a command of his own, and know that he's ready
for one.

"Be patient, Jack. Something will come up. It's just a matter of
time."

And he knows I'm right, but there is something else eating at him, a
desire to be out there, a desire to be *away*, free...I can't explain
it, but he's been going home less and less, talked about Beverly and
the kid less and less, and I've begun to worry.

Crazy, I know. I love his wife, want her like my next breath, but I'm
worried their marriage is in trouble. It doesn't make sense even to
me, but I swear it's true. Jack and I are close. He's saved my life,
I've saved his. We've shared a lot, and I'd hate to see him hurt, and
even though he seems to be in a bit of a bind in regards to how he
feels about his marriage at the moment, I know that he loves Beverly
and that she loves him. I also know that things can't continue the way
they are going. She needs - deserves his support, and my dropping in
to visit her when I'm on Earth to bring her messages from Jack isn't
enough.

So, I insist he take shore leave on Earth. He goes, grumbling, but he
comes back a happier man, and even manages to stay that way for a
while.

"We didn't make it out of the apartment for two days, Jean Luc," he
says when, after catching up on what's happened to the ship in his
absence, he finally starts talking about his leave.

I know a sexually satisfied man when I see one. I don't need details,
and he doesn't provide them, of course, but the little he says is more
than I need to hear.

I can't stop myself from wondering what it would have been like if it
had been me returning from a leave spent with her...

Which, of course, has led to another round of women I've enjoyed and
then said good bye to. It's easy, physically satisfying, and I know
it's merely an attempt to fill an emptiness inside me I have a desire
to fill.

Jack sees it differently. "I envy you, sometimes, Jean Luc. Everything
comes so easily to you. That latest brunette was incredible. Don't you
ever want to get serious with any of them, though? Not," he said with
a grin, "that it doesn't look as though it's fun to play the field..."

How could I tell him I'd stop playing the field in a moment, if- " I
can't even allow myself to finish the thought.

I hoped that after their most successful reunion, things had been
worked out between them, so, when their fourth anniversary drew near,
I worked out a little present for them of my own...

"We'll be within a two day transport ride from Earth, Jack. Instead of
my going to the conference, I'm sending you. I'll do the survey of
Riba V, and swing round to Space Station 26 to pick you up in a couple
week's time."

I'm sure he will say yes. What man in his right mind wouldn't?

Jack is that man.

"Conference?" he asks, "You know I hate them. That's your job, buddy.
You know the routine: you go, listen to days' and days' worth of
boring stuff, then come back and tell us the two sentences worth our
listening to. It's worked well in the past, I'd hate to see the system
upset now. You know how I hate listening to people drone on and on..."

"But you'll see Beverly and the kid," I attempted.

"Yes, but I'll miss Riba V. You know how long I've lobbied to do a
closer survey of it. Now that they finally are, I want to be in on
it."

"Jack, I've asked permission for you to go in my place. They granted
it."

"Well, *un* grant it. Unless you order me, I'd rather do Riba V and
let you go to Earth. Just tell Beverly I love her, and that I'll be
home soon, okay?"

So I do - bearing gifts from an apologetic Jack once again. And I can
hardly tell her I'd tried to get Jack to come instead, can I?

Jack makes wonderful anniversary plans again to say he is sorry.
Beverly and I go out, this time with less initial self-consciousness.
It's the second time we've seen each other this trip home, and we have
last anniversary's experience behind us. And again I feel myself fall
into a wonderful state of pretend, all the while aware it is just for
this evening.

We eat at a restaurant I love, the lighting low, music softly playing
in a quiet compliment to our conversation. Then we go dancing at a
place she enjoys.

Relaxed, wrapped up in each other and the evening, we find ourselves
holding each other just a little too close as we dance. Self
consciously, we laugh and put a distance between us that, come the
next song, disappears again. It's so easy to hold her, to feel her
against me, her perfume entrancing me...

We dance until the club closes. Neither of us wants to call an end to
the evening, and when Beverly again suggests a drink at 'The Conja', I
readily agree. "We're crazy," I tell her. "You have work in the
morning, and I'm due at Headquarters by 0700."

"Then perhaps we shouldn't bother going to bed at all," she laughs,
taking me by the hand and pulling me towards the waiting flitter car.
"I don't get out often, Jean Luc, and this is my night! I want to talk
and laugh and forget my worries. Please, just one drink and I promise
you I'll go straight home. Besides, I still have a few points I want
to make about your crazy adherence to Star Fleet policy."

I allow myself to be led, enjoying the warmth of her hand around mine
almost as much as I have her company this evening.

More than one drink later, with dawn just beginning to lighten the
sky's darkness in the east, I drop her back at her apartment.

"Good thing you had Wesley stay overnight at his grandparent's," I
say.

She turns to me and smiles. "It was nice to go out and not worry about
the time," she agrees. Then, to my surprise, she steps closer and puts
a hand on my chest. She leans forward and kisses me gently on the
cheek, then says, "Thank you for a night without worry."

We stand there in front of her building, frozen in time, her hand
still resting on my chest, our bodies close. The impulse to take her
in my arms is almost overwhelming, but a nearby squawk from an
awakening bird makes us jump, and we separate.

And when I return to the ship, I can look Jack in the eye.

It will be the last return that I can do so.

---

I try not to argue with him, try to cajole him into doing what I know
he should do. Obstinately, and with a certain amount of logic on his
side, he refuses to do as I suggest.

"Just do this for me, okay, Jean Luc? Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I
love her and that I'll make it up to her later, but I've got to get
this system fixed, or we won't be able to leave when we're supposed
to."

Instinct tells me it's a mistake to go. I know I feel more reluctant
than I've ever been to do as Jack asked, to leave the ship and go to
her in his place. But I go, reluctantly allowing myself to be
persuaded by his logic - and my weak desire to see her again.

"Jean Luc, tell Beverly I love her for me..." he says as I leave.

The cabin stands, a dark silhouette in the snow, the warm glow of its
windows beckoning. Still I feel a caution that almost amounts to
dread.

I am right to feel that way.

Soon after I am inside, I see that she is hurting, confused and angry.
I know if she were thinking clearly, she'd never say what she is
saying, or do as she is doing. And I think if it weren't for the talk
of missed opportunities, of wrong corners turned, I might have gotten
out of there with my integrity intact.

But she talks about those damned missed opportunities. She looks at me
with tears in her eyes, tells me it's always been *me* she's wanted,
that Jack was just a substitute because she didn't think I was
interested...and the exultation of knowing that shatters my resolve.

I curse Walker. And Jack. And soon... myself.

We know it is only for tonight. We know we can't do this to Jack. Know
that for both of us our actions are something outside of what we see
in our characters. Yes, we want each other, yes, there is that damn
*whatever* between us that frightens as much as it warms....

But Jack...Jack the husband and father, the one-day captain...We owe
him.

Just as I am a captain and a friend to Jack, so too is Beverly a wife
*and* a friend - Beverly always supportive from Earth, me doing the
same on the _Stargazer_...we've built a cocoon around him with our
strength and love. We've allowed him his passions, done his bidding,
made up for his shortcomings, allowing him to think everything was
fine, that we were behind him one hundred percent. A betrayal like
this would destroy that web of safety we'd built - and him...

We make love, passionately, desperately. I find within myself depths
of emotion I didn't know I was capable of - find within myself a
release in another that creates a new self, a complete, fulfilled,
united human being capable of anything.

And she meets me, emotion for emotion, need for need. Nothing feels
strange or new or wrong. There are no hesitations, just an insatiable
hunger we find fulfilled only by the other.

Until morning's gray dawn comes, and the warmth of our night turns
chill in the cold light of reality.

Lying there, I feel fear - fear of what we have done and fear that I'm
not certain I can either live with what I've done or live without the
woman lying beside me. I stir, my conscience making our comfort
together almost painful.

And I leave. With no good bye, just a whispered "I love you" she isn't
allowed to hear....

---

The first 48 hours back on the _Stargazer_ seem the most difficult.

Walker arrives unexpectedly to add to the guilt, wanting to talk. It
is a relief to speak to him. He understands, I think, but I also know
he

hopes it will all pass. And I honestly think that it will...until Jack

unexpectedly visits me in my quarters. Then I learn what cold, hard,

hell really is...

He catches me by surprise, or I swear he'd never have known...

Popping into my quarters the way he always does, he greets me as I
finish dressing. As soon as I turn to get my shirt, I know I've made a
mistake. After a frozen moment, I turn to face him, a leaden sense of
doom in my stomach. Looking in his eyes, my heart sinks. He knows.

The marks on my back - those damned marks she left that I've kept like
some love-sick schoolboy - the marks tell him everything. They burn me
now, not with the flame of love and passionate memories I don't want
to let go of, but with the hot shame of a friend betrayed.

And I know no feeble excuse of fitting in someone while he was on
Earth saying goodbye to Beverly will cover me.

"Jack," I say, having no idea what to add...

I watch as he backs away. Disbelief, anger, hurt...they're all there
in the face that turns away from me as he leaves wordlessly.

Nothing but orders and course changes are exchanged between us for the
next several days.

And now, my heard whirls, trying to take in the reality of what is
being said to me. Standing stiffly, holding a wounded arm, the last
member of the away team reports to me: "He told us to go, that he'd
cover for us. We made it to the shuttle, but..."

And that's how Jack died, providing cover fire so that his people
could make it to safety.

We never talked, never said a word. He insisted he go on that damn
mission, and I, in my weakness, allowed him to go...

He leaves messages, though, written before he left on the away
mission, messages he may or may not have intended to send. I find them
while going through his things. I shouldn't read them, they aren't for
me, but...

The first one is to Beverly.

The words he writes are filled with anger and hurt. I'm not sure which
held precedence with him, but he turns both on Beverly with a
razor-sharp vengeance. He blames her, calls her things I know he
couldn't have meant. "Have you two been having an affair all along?"
he asks her. "Is that why he saw you every shore leave?"

How soon he forgot who asked us to see each other...

He says he should have known better than to trust her, tells her that
if an older, set-in-his-ways captain with a wild past is what she
wants, then she can have me, and to hell with her - not, he says, that
I'll be content to settle for her in the end...

It goes on and on, the rantings of a man betrayed.

I recoil at the selfishness of his words. There is no attempt at
understanding. All his anger is aimed at her actions, her failings -
with no thought to *his* neglect of *her* when the _Stargazer_ and its
missions began to take precedence. His refusal to consider her needs,
his refusal to accept responsibility for his marriage and the son it
had created were not mentioned in the invective he threw at her. I
shake my head in dismay... He had, in the last few months, treated her
like some woman he kept in a port somewhere, no matter that he claimed
he loved her....

And something else that strikes me? Not once does he blame me. I can't
understand that, can't figure out why the vitriol is aimed solely at
her - it was, after all, a mutual act.

Putting the padd that contains the letter to Beverly aside, I find
forms he's filed for divorce. And then, a message to me. I destroy
both the letter to Beverly and the divorce papers without reading them
again. Then, safe in my own quarters, I steel myself for what he has
written to me...

It shot, straight and true, to my heart....

"Jean Luc, tell Beverly goodbye for me."

I close my eyes. Any doubt that Jack had not gone down to that planet
begging for death is now gone.

And there's something else I know. If he hadn't died on that planet,
he'd have left the _Stargazer_. He'd have divorced Beverly and left us
both. But him alive would not have kept us apart, not after what she
and I had shared. Him dead - and the secret I'll carry to the grave
with me firmly embedded in my soul - likely will.

He knew that.

His discovery of what I did with his wife killed him just as surely as
though I'd put a phaser to his head. Me, his friend, his confidant,
his 'best man'... I had taken what was his...so he found a way to take
it back, and sent me a death of my own....

I killed him. My friend. I can protect Beverly from what he wrote,
protect her from the truth of those last few days, and the truth of
his death. What I cannot do is build a life with her over the body of
her slain husband - the friend that my actions murdered.

And he knew that, too.

So, I will not tell her goodbye from Jack as he requested. Instead, I
must tell her my own....

---

The End