The BLTS Archive - Points of View
Walter Keel: Introductions
by Mariel (mjlisi@cgocable.net)

---

Everyone calls me Walker. 'Matthew Keel' is just some long-forgotten
name on a  birth-certificate, tucked away somewhere in one of my
Mother's chest  of drawers. It's been a part of me so long I don't
remember ever  hearing anyone  call me anything else. And it seems to
fit, you know? I like it. Anyway, as my name indicates, I've been
around, seen lots, done lots.  I've  lived and laughed and loved, done
good and bad, I've been right, I've been  wrong. And I've always been
able to walk away better and wiser, with  no  regrets.

No regrets except for one mistake I made so long ago it ought to have
been  forgotten... a mistake that still haunts some people I hold
dear,  and so  haunts me as well.

And now, at last, I think I've set things to rights....

But how about I start at the beginning?

When I look back now, I see myself as a young man. At the time, of
course, I  considered myself a man of the galaxy, mature and
experienced beyond  my years.  I was nearly 40, with my new title of
'captain' still feeling kind  of  overwhelming, when I had what I
thought was a brilliant idea.... Brilliant ideas hit me in all sorts
of places...the bridge, the  holodeck, my  quarters, while walking
down a corridor...and, in this case, a loud,  crowded  bar filled with
a lively mixture of Star Fleet and ne'er-do-wells -  the kind  of
assortment that kind of inspires, I guess. Anyway, inspiration  hit,
and I  knew I had to act on it.

You see, I'd met this young red-head in a bar a few months before.
Beverly  Howard was too young for me, of course, but fun: sense of
humor, an  appealing  irreverence, good to look at, and smart as a
whip to boot. She kept  popping up  here and there at bars and parties
I ended up at, and, one way and  another, we  saw a fair amount of
each other.

Over the months I spent on Earth while my ship was being refitted, I
got to  know her well. As time went on, I guess I became the big
brother she  never  had. Good thing, too. She was high-spirited,
strong willed, and had  a wild  streak that, if it hadn't been
dampened by my more 'mature' good  sense - and  fine-tuned ability to
get myself and others out of messes - could  have landed  her in far
more trouble than she actually managed....

At any rate, I soon began to act as her self-appointed chaperone,
determining  whether her suitors were suitable or not. Most, in my
humble  opinion, fit the  'not' category. There wasn't a lot to worry
about, I suppose - she  wasn't  stupid, eh? But she liked a good time,
and some of the guys she  chose to have  her good times with made me
nervous...although, to be honest, I  think she  sometimes presented me
with 'nots' just to see my reaction... We enjoyed each other's
company, though. I think we both liked the age  difference. Made us
safe, somehow. Like family. I began to feel  responsible  for her. And
I know, when things were tough for her, she liked  knowing there  was
someone there for her: someone who was 'just a friend', someone  who
knew  about her ghosts, her insecurities, her passions. Everyone needs
a  friend who  is willing to give you straight answers.

That's when I got the brilliant idea of introducing her to one of my
friends:  someone I knew and trusted and who wouldn't give me cause to
worry.  And I  guess my being her 'big brother', so to speak, is why
she trusted me  so much  when I said I wanted introduce her to Jack.

But I'm getting ahead of myself a little. You see, me being me, I
decided  maybe she needed a little stability in her life. Nothing
serious,  just a  regular guy to go out with when her schedule and his
permitted.  Someone she  could trust...someone who wouldn't land her
in too much trouble.

So, I started down my cast of characters. At the top of the list, of
course,  was Jean Luc Picard. He's my best friend, my closest friend.
He's  eminently  eligible, so I'm told, but he went through women
pretty quick. Not  exactly  love 'em and leave 'em, but he didn't seem
to like the idea of being  tied  down. So he was always with women
like him: too busy to get really  serious.  And since he'd recently
made captain of the _Stargazer_, I figured  he wouldn't  have the
time.

Beverly, of course, fit the description of the women he chooses -
quick  witted, brilliant, lively, with a great sense of humor, but...I
was  protective  about Beverly. I didn't want her to get hurt, and I
was afraid she  might with  Jean Luc. Beverly never does anything by
half-measure, and if she  fell for  Jean Luc...Well, I just couldn't
see it working, you know?

And there was the age difference, too. Jean Luc is only a couple years
younger  than me. Not a bad thing, I guess, but I thought she might
prefer  someone more  her age. So, though he was a possibility and
there were aspects of  the idea I  liked, I continued down the list.

Greg Jefferson, of course, was my next candidate. I pondered a bit,
then cast  him aside. I did the same with Brent Allwood, Craig Dean,
Ren  M'halia...down  and down the list I went. I was amazed at the
number, actually. I  know a lot  of people.

Then I hit upon Jack Crusher.

Jack Crusher was a young fellow - well, ten years younger than me,
anyway -  that I had on my ship while he was in command training.
Tall,  pleasant-looking, earnest and driven to succeed, he also had a
solidness I  liked. He may have been a rookie, but he was one of the
best damned  science  officers I'd ever had, and I knew he'd make
captain one day, no  problem.

When Jack was assigned to the _Stargazer_, I was ecstatic. Jean Luc
was her  captain at the time, and Jean Luc Picard is the best there
is. I  knew Jack  would learn a lot from him. And, to be honest, I
love it when my  friends get  to be friends themselves. Makes for good
times when we can all get  together. Anyway, as soon as I had heard
the news, I put a message through to  the  _Stargazer_.

"He's a good man, Jean Luc. Look out for him for me, will you?" I
said. And he did. And they became pretty good friends along the way,
too.  Jean Luc  liking Jack was another element in Jack's favor. Jean
Luc liked  quality, so it  was obvious Jack had it - and that was
something I wanted for  Beverly.

So, Jack was added to the list of potentials.

I added a couple more, then discarded them.

Eventually I boiled it down to just Jack and Jean Luc. I opted for the
obvious  choice. Jack was closer in age, for one thing, and, to be
honest, he  was more  likely to agree to getting set up. Jean Luc gets
plumb skittish when  he thinks  you're trying to choose his women for
him. An independent sort, he  is. And I  knew that Jack was easily
available at the time...

So, while we were back on Earth, I introduced him to Beverly. I
thought they'd  make a good couple.

They did, and I was pleased as punch. Right bloody proud of myself, I
was. Have I mentioned yet that sometimes I can be so smart I'm stupid?

This was one of those times. Not that I realized it at first.

Over the next few months, Jack was back on Earth a lot - the
_Stargazer_ was  trying out prototypes of this and that, and they were
always being  called back  in for a look at how things were working.

Jack and Beverly became inseparable.

That's when I started to worry. They were getting too close, too damn
quick, I  thought. I'd been thinking in terms of fun times during
shoreleaves,  a good  tumble in the hay...and I'll be damned if they
didn't start talking  marriage. That wasn't what I'd had in mind at
all. Beverly was still working  on getting  her medical degree, and
Jack? As husband material? He was good,  safe, reliable  company,
sure, but I hadn't thought as far as husband material...he  still had
a lot of living and growing up to do. He had a drive in him that I
wasn't  certain could accommodate a wife and the responsibility that
went  with  marriage.

God, I'm stupid. Two reasonably compatible, hormonally-charged kids,
stars in  their eyes, their futures bright...what did I expect? You'd
have  thought  they'd invented love, for heaven's sake. If Jack was on
Earth, you  knew he'd  be with her. It was like they were glued at the
hip....

But still, I wasn't too concerned. They were both fine people. I was
happy  that they were happy, and pushed my feelings of caution away.

Besides, many planned marriages never happen, right?

When I saw that Beverly was very determined about this marriage thing,
I tried  to caution her that she didn't have to rush into it, that
maybe it  wouldn't  hurt for her to wait until she was finished her
studies. But no, she  wanted  things set before Jack left on the
_Stargazer_'s first long mission. Sometimes I wonder if I'd listened
better to myself and my niggling  doubt I  might have been able to
talk her into waiting. But would waiting  have solved  the problem? I
don't really know....

So, I settled for assuring myself that Jack would make a pretty good
husband.  They'd have a few issues to deal with sure, but as Jack
matured, he  would  hopefully become the stability and refuge Beverly
would need. Jack  would have  needs of his own, and I was sure Beverly
would be able to meet them.  She's a  pretty understanding woman.

So, the wedding was arranged. Jean Luc and Jack had become close
enough that  Jean Luc was Jack's obvious choice for best man. I was
invited, of  course, and  I was looking forward to one heck of a
celebration.

The night of the pre-wedding party, I met Jean Luc at the little place
where  he was staying. I was looking forward to our all being together
for  the first  time. Up until then, Jean Luc or I had always missed
seeing each  other, for  one reason or another.

Our catching up on all the latest news made us a bit late getting to
the  party. I told Jean Luc about Jack's last-minute doubts, and we
had a  good  laugh. Jean Luc, though he seemed a little nervous
himself - I  thought over  his role as best man - assured me that
they'd be fine and set my  last, little  niggling doubt to
rest...until we got to the party...

As soon as we arrived, we looked for the happy couple. The place was
crowded  and noisy, and you could feel that a good time was about to
happen.  Stopping  to greet the people we knew as we made our way
through the crowd, we  finally  spotted Jack and Beverly.

What I witnessed when we finally all stood together really shook me.
Remember,  I know Beverly and Jean Luc very well. Jean Luc's like a
brother,  and Beverly  I can read like a book. Seeing them together
for the first time told  me one  very important thing: everything
about how I felt about Beverly  marrying Jack  was now changed.

I watched as Beverly stiffened when she looked at Jean Luc, and I
swear, when  they touched hands, then hugged and kissed each other's
cheek the  way all good  friends do, it was like two destinies
merging, like two star systems  quietly,  flawlessly, becoming one.

Pretty poetic for a flat-foot captain, eh? But that's exactly what it
was  like. Just seeing them together looked *right* somehow.

I knew there was something there. The tension between the two was
almost  palpable, though at that point, I'm not really sure if Beverly
realized...  Anyway, it made me uncomfortable - and revealed to me in
no  uncertain terms  that it wasn't Jack I should have introduced
Beverly to.

I looked at the three of them smiling at one another and felt
something akin  to doom...

And it was obvious Beverly and Jean Luc sensed something too. Beverly,
never  taking her eyes from Jean Luc, withdrew into the protection of
Jack's arm...  And Jean Luc? Jean Luc inhaled deeply and forced his
eyes away from  her toward  Jack. He said something amusing, and the
moment passed....

But all night the two of them seemed to spend their time looking for
the other  in the crowd. And I swear you could feel a little electric
connection between  them even when they weren't looking at each other,
as though they  had some  sort of little antennae tuned to the other's
signal...It was  downright  disconcerting. Thank God no one else
seemed to notice. Not even  Jack. Gods, why hadn't I introduced Jean
Luc to her first? How could I  have so  misjudged?

The marriage went ahead as planned, of course. You don't try to call
off a  wedding the night before its to take place because you think
the  bride and a  friend of yours have the hots for each other....

Though now, I wish I had....

And Jack and Beverly *were* happy. Or at least they were those first
couple of  years.

When Beverly called and said she was pregnant, I was fit to be tied. I
was  going to be an uncle!

...well, kind of....

It felt good.

When Wesley was born, Jack sent me a cigar.

And I beat out Jean Luc to be the kid's godfather. Beverly insisted I
needed  the responsibility. How could I say no?

In the meantime, of course, I'd seen Jean Luc occasionally. He was
much the  same as always - playing the field, like me, and happy in
his  command, eager  to do more, see more.

Now, when I look back, I realize he never did say much about Beverly,
though I  knew the three of them saw a lot of each other. Jack told me
he was  trying to  convince Picard of the benefits of settling down
with one woman, and  invited  him to their home every chance he got.
and I think he just plain  liked having  Jean Luc around. To my
surprise, Jean Luc didn't seem to mind being  the 'fifth  wheel' so to
speak. And, from what I heard, he sometimes brought  whatever  woman
he was seeing at the time along.

Hindsight tells me he was probably just protecting himself from how
he felt.

Anyway, all I remember Jean Luc saying about the visits were the usual
pleasantries.

Beverly said more. I could tell she liked having Jean Luc around, and
the few  times we were able to all be together, she did seem to
sparkle in  his company.  They had a great way of bouncing comments
off each other that we all  found  entertaining. They were really fun
to be around; she would tease  him, and he  would come back at her
with some sardonic observation that would  leave us all  in stitches.
It was great to watch.

I never did mention what I'd seen at that damned party - not to either
of  them. I was just an outsider looking in. Whatever it was I'd seen
-  and, yes,  thought I still caught glimpses of occasionally - was
way too deep  for me to  want to get involved in. It was...disturbing,
if you can believe it.  And a  real can of worms that scared the shit
out of me...a Pandora's box,  if you  like...I was afraid that if I
mentioned it...

Over the next couple of years I heard from Beverly often, of course,
but I  also heard from Jack. He told me about his life on the
_Stargazer_,  his work,  how great it was to be working with Jean Luc,
his desire to soon  make captain  himself...lots of stuff, but not
much about Beverly, oddly enough.  Except to  say she was being
wonderful about his being away so much and seeing  so little  of her
and the kid.

After a while, I got troubled by this, and mentioned maybe he should
try to  get home more.

There's no rule saying starship captains can't be mother hens on the
side....

Jack shrugged and laughed at my suggestion. "She's a big girl," he
said. "With  all the studying and work she has to do, I'd just be in
the way. I  figure I'm  better off out here. Jean Luc drops in when he
can. I con him into  it by  telling him I need him to take stuff to
them. He's back a lot more  than I am -  Headquarters just loves
pulling him in for meetings."

He grinned at me through the view screen again and added, "Almost as
much as  he hates it!"

"But is everything okay with you two?" I insisted.

"Of course it is!" he answered. "She's a great gal, Walker. Our
reunions, when  we have them, are..."

I held up my hand. "Okay, I can imagine."

He grinned. "Bet you can't!"

To give myself credit, I didn't just leave it at that. I didn't like
the way  he made Beverly seem like some girl in a port he maintained a
long- distance  relationship with. I know that's not how he meant it
to sound,  but... Drawing upon what Beverly had told me in her last
communique, I  asked, "You  aren't going to make it home for your
anniversary? She was really  looking  forward to it. Jean Luc said you
were going to be in the vicinity  just about  that time."

Jack shrugged. "Jean Luc's got to go to another stupid conference, so
he'll be  there, but while he's on Earth, I'm hoping to play head
honcho. I  like that.  There's a couple asteroid belts the Institute
is interested in  getting some  information on, so I plan on taking
the _Stargazer_ out to get it  for them."

Feeling like a mother, I scolded, "She shouldn't be alone on her third
anniversary, Jack. Not when you could make it if you wanted to."

He laughed. "She won't be alone, old man! I got Jean Luc to agree to
take her  out to the restaurant we went to on our first date. Remember
'The  Craftsman'?  Jean Luc introduced it to us. He's going to take
her there, and then  across  town to 'The Dancing Man'.

"She'd appreciate it more if it were you taking her."

"If it were me," he said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, "we'd
never  make it out of the bedroom!"

I left it at that, but I sat and thought a bit after I shut down the
view  screen...

The next time I managed to get a communication through to Jean Luc, I
heard  all about it from him... Once I mentioned it first, of course.
"Jack tells me you filled in for him on his anniversary," I said when
he  failed to bring the subject up.

Jean Luc's face frowned from the view screen. "He asked me to. I felt
badly  he'd left her for an asteroid belt, Walker. I didn't know what
else  to do but  say yes. Sometimes I don't understand him."

"Why didn't you tell him he should be with her?" I asked.

"I did. I all but *ordered* him to take shore leave. He used the
Institute des  Sciences as ammunition against the idea, though. I can
only order my  people so  far, Walker. He really wanted to do that
survey."

I felt relief that he'd tried. Thinking about them being together had
brought  back memories of what I'd seen at that damn pre-wedding
party. It'd  made me  afraid that...I shook myself mentally. //They'd
never do that,  either of  them...// I reassured myself. Besides,
perhaps...well, they never  sounded as  though they were anything but
friendly acquaintances... maybe  whatever it was  I'd seen was all
over. I hadn't, after all, seen them together for  almost a  year. I
let myself relax....

For a while.

But things went downhill after that. I knew from Beverly's messages
that  Jack's visits were more and more infrequent, that his sending
Jean  Luc with gifts from his travels and notes and things for
Wesley, was becoming too regular a thing. From the sound of it, Jean
Luc was seeing more of Jack's wife than Jack.

I suppose it could have seemed kinda funny if you'd thought about it
much: Jean Luc, the single-forever, don't-tie-me-down man I knew and
loved, making  regular treks to Earth and visiting a wife and kid...

The shore leaves Jack did manage with her were passion-filled, if what
either  of them said was anything to go by, but I got the distinct,
uncomfortable  feeling that each parting was leaving Beverly more and
more  unfulfilled. She  loved him, I was certain of that; it was the
*depth* of their love,  I guess,  that began to worry me as time
passed....But I let it go.

Until little things in Beverly's communiques made me remember again.
Just  little comments about seeing Jean Luc, or her asking me to say
hi to  him from  her when I talked to him...nothing a friend wouldn't
say about a  friend,  but...

Jack didn't make it to their fourth anniversary. Jean Luc was once
again back  on Earth - this time on shore leave, to visit his parents.
After  that, he was  to head for Star Fleet Headquarters for a
briefing on the  _Stargazer's_ next  exploratory mission. As Jack put
it, who better to fill in for him  for that  anniversary as well?

Who better indeed.

Now I was really bothered. I didn't understand why Jack seemed to be
pushing  Jean Luc into doing what Jack himself should have been eager
to do  himself. It  was *Jack* who should have been visiting her
whenever he had the  chance,  supporting her with his presence instead
of with his messages and  gifts. He  shouldn't have been sending Jean
Luc...

And, thinking of Beverly and Jean Luc together, thinking about the way
they  seemed to be put in the situation of seeing each other so
often...I  started  feeling like I was watching two planets about to
collide. Nothing I  could do  but sit by, watch, and record.

Well, that's not true: I could have said something, maybe told Jack I
thought  Beverly needed to see him more, or told Jean Luc I thought
Beverly  might be  starting to like him a little too much (I was sure
that would have  put the  fear of God in him). I could even have told
Beverly she ought to  push Jack a  little more about coming home more
often - but that's not me. Jack  and Beverly  had their own dynamics.
It wasn't for me to say that the way they  were living  wasn't the
best for them...besides, I've always waited, always taken  the  'maybe
it'll just go away' approach. It often works.

And for a few months after that, life went on, and it looked as though
my  worries had been for nothing.

Then, one night when I was sitting in my quarters, I heard the signal
that  heralded an incoming message. I crossed the room and sat at the
console,  pleased when I realized it was Beverly. The pleasure turned
to  concern when I  saw the look on her face.

It wasn't the face of the happy woman I'd expected to see. She had
told me  previously about the romantic weekend in a cabin she'd
planned for  her and  Jack, and how she wanted to somehow bring their
relationship back to  a closer  footing. "Re-kindle what we used to
have," is the way I think she  put it. Well, I soon discovered there'd
been something kindled all right,  but not what  anyone had
expected...

I listened in horror as she told me about Jean Luc arriving instead of
Jack.  While I had been happily snug in my bed, while Jack had been
happily  puttering  away on his beloved ship, she had gone and done
the unthinkable.  Hell, *they*  had done the unthinkable. All this
time, I'd been watching Jean Luc and her circle each other, assured
that Jack would keep them from colliding,  that their friendships
would keep them from crossing orbits...

Jack's gravitational pull had obviously weakened at a very critical
moment. I cursed Jack. I cursed Jean Luc. I cursed Beverly.

And I cursed myself. Why in the name of all the gods of Medrinia
hadn't I  introduced her to Jean Luc first? That one, simple act could
have  avoided all  that followed....

I listened numbly as she told me how she had made a decision and acted
on it.  The rest I didn't want to hear, but I heard it anyway.

"Up until then I thought it was perhaps just a crush or something that
wouldn't go away, but Walker... It was...it was like a door in my
heart  opening. the way I feel about him... I had no idea...He
wouldn't let  me say  it, but I know...Oh God, what am I going to do?
It's not that I  don't love  Jack, but this...this is
*real*...It's..."

She paused, gathering herself. I could see confusion and pain in her
face.

Lord, what *else* had happened? Had she told Jack?

What she said relieved me of that fear, but set another one in its
place.

"He left without saying goodbye. We knew it would only be for that one
time,  and I agreed, but..."

It hurt her to say that last word. It hurt me to hear it. This wasn't
a  stupid, lust-filled, pie-in-the-sky one night stand. This was two
people who  should have been together all along and hadn't been, two
people  finally  allowing themselves to act on how they felt, even
though they knew  they  shouldn't.

This was also two people who knew that if they continued, they'd hurt
someone  they both cared for deeply. I knew they both cared too much
for Jack  to do  that. Her words confirmed that.

"We can't do this. We agreed. It's over, but..."

The 'but' at the end of her sentence again killed me. I could have
introduced  her to Jean Luc first, *but*...

All this pain because of my stupidity.

Two days after I spoke with Beverly, I caught up with Jean Luc, just
before he  was due to take the _Stargazer_ out to survey a new planet.

We met in his room on the Starbase, and I kept prodding away until he
finally  told me a story pretty close to her version of things. The
confession was  hard, but I knew he was also relieved to get it off
his chest. He's  a  reserved, honest, upright man, a man who regarded
himself to be of  unshakable  integrity. What he'd done had shattered
the very foundation of that  image of  himself. I doubt he's ever
spoken of it to anyone else since.

"I walked out on her, Walker," he said, staring at the half-filled
wine glass  he held - his eighth, by my count.

"You what?"

"I walked out without even waking her to say good bye. I'm an
adulterer *and* a coward. It was the only thing I could think of to
do. We knew when  we did it that it was only for that one night. That
it *could* only be for one  night.  How could I know that..."

I broke into what he was saying. "And will it be the only night?"

"I think," he said, his voice filled with pain, "the way I left her
will  ensure that. God knows what she must be thinking."

"Which is why you left the way you did, right?"

He lifted his hazel eyes and looked at me steadily. "No," he said
honestly. "I  knew that if I woke her, if I had the chance to look
into her eyes  again...I'd  never have left her, Walker. Ever. No
matter what the consequences.  And I  couldn't do that to Jack. *We*
can't do that to Jack." Running a  hand over  what little hair he had
left on the top of his head, he said, "They  have a  life together. A
family, for godsake. And Jack does love them. And I  think he  needs
them, whether he knows it or not."

The silence between us was broken when he said humorlessly, "Besides,
he saw her first."

That had been an old game of ours in our academy days. "I saw her
first, hands  off," had been our battle cry whenever we'd both seen
someone we  wanted to  chat up. It wasn't funny now.

"She's not some trophy, some first-come-first-serve, Jean Luc. She has
a say  in this. She *had* a say in this."

He nodded and moved restlessly. "I know. But they've made a commitment
to one  another. I betrayed that commitment and my friends. Both of
them. It  was a  moment of weakness. She should be hating me right
now."

I knew that wasn't her problem, but held my peace. Perhaps, if they
could  manage no more 'cabin experiences', damage-control might just
work,  and things  would hold together.

He wasn't finished beating himself up, though.

"He's my friend, Walker. He trusted me, and I let myself..."

Words failed him.

They failed me, too.

"It's a bad thing, Jean Luc. I know they've been going through a rough
patch..." I said, wondering what would happen if Jack found out, and
silently  praying he never did. I knew his and Beverly's wasn't
perhaps the  deepest of  loves, but I was certain he loved her. And he
had his pride, and a  strange  sort of insecurity...a betrayal like
this one...I shuddered.

He nodded. "Yes. And this hasn't helped. It was wrong. I should have
been...    But Walker..."

He didn't finish, but I knew what he left unsaid.

He loved her. Not the 'oh we get along so well' kind of love, not even
the  'we're great in bed together' kind of love. This was something
deeper,  bigger...something I would have envied and found joy in, if
it  hadn't been for  the circumstances.

And that damned 'but'. Beverly had that very same 'but' too...

Drawing a deep breath, Jean Luc said, "It won't happen again."

I knew he meant it, and felt sorrow for him - for *them* - but was
also  reassured.

Then, godammit, before things could calm down, before they could work
out some  sort of equilibrium about what had happened, Jack went and
got  himself killed. Jean Luc, of course, blamed himself.

Beverly blamed Jean Luc, too, I think - at least at first. And herself
as  well, for not loving Jack more, though what difference that would
have made  I'm sure I don't know....

More sensible than either of them, I blame myself. Not for Jack's
death - that  was fate - but for what had happened before. And for
what happened  afterward.

That was my fault too.

I stood by and watched as the woman I thought of as a sister and the
man I  loved like a brother tore themselves up - and in the process
tore  apart  whatever chance of happiness together they had. I watched
as they  closed down  emotionally and walked away from each other,
both wrapped in a  sorrow and  guilt they refused to look outside of.
Jack, for some reason I  couldn't  fathom, was far more effective a
barrier between them dead than he  was while  alive.

And I said nothing. Nada. Rien.

I was too far away, I told myself. These things have to be dealt with
in  person, I said. Later, when time has healed things a bit, I said.
Hell, I should have been shot. I didn't deserve either of them as
friends.

For years I stood by. Not once after the funeral did they ever
communicate  with each other. I saw them both, of course. But I never
even heard  them  mention each other's names unless forced to, though
I tried to bring  up the  subject of one with the other at least once
a visit. That there was  something  missing in both their lives was
obvious. And that they still carried  guilt and  longing and regret
with them was obvious, too. To me, at least.

Beverly was a doctor and a mother, but took no time to be a woman.
"I'm too  busy, Walker," she'd say. "I've got my rounds, my
duties...I've got  Wesley...you should *try* keeping up with him
sometimes..."

"But Beverly, you should get out a little," I said feebly. "Let
yourself enjoy  yourself more. Maybe meet someone..."

I saw her wince. She'd already met 'someone'.

And Jean Luc, I knew, was waiting. Forever, if need be. Not that he
had put  his life on hold or anything. He'd thrown all his energy into
his  work at an  even more frenetic pace than before. It made him one
hell of a  commanding  officer so far as Star Fleet was concerned, but
I missed the old  Jean Luc, the  man who balanced everything in his
life, the man who left himself  open a  little. Now, he was a closed
box. Oh, he saw other women  occasionally, but  nothing ever 'worked
out', so to speak. He had this place in him for  Beverly,  and no one
else could fill it. I'm not sure he even wanted anyone  to.

Then, a miracle happened. Finally, I knew how I could make things
better.Finally, I stopped watching and stepped in.

The idea was still young in my head when I knocked on her door.

"Beverly!" I said, joy at seeing her overcoming my dismay at seeing
her look  so drawn.

To my relief, her features lit up in welcome. Taking me in her arms
for a hug,  telling me I was still too skinny, she drew me into her
apartment.

It hadn't changed much since Jack's death. His picture was still in
the same  place on the mantle, a couple of his metals pinned to the
frame; the  furniture  was the same, and her books and research padds
were still strewn all  over the  place.

"Wesley! Uncle Walker's here! Come say hello!" she called, looking
down a  hallway in the direction of the bedrooms.

And out walked a short, gangly, version of Jack. Gods, she was never
without a  reminder...

"Hello, sir," he said formally, his dark eyes reserved.

"Sir?" I said to him jovially, "Walker, to you, kid, okay?"

I must've set him at ease somehow, because we had a nice conversation.
Smart  kid that he obviously was, however, he knew his mother and I
wanted  to talk. Rising from the chair across from the sofa his mother
and I sat on,  he made  his excuses. "You two probably have a lot of
catching up to do," he  said. "I'm  going to call it a night. I've an
experiment I want to check on in  the morning  before school starts."

He kissed his mother good night, nodded at me, and left.

Nice kid.

And we caught up. As the evening went on, my purpose for the visit
still  uppermost in my mind, I began to grill her more and more.
Finally, I  said,  "Beverly, you're not happy, are you?"

She hesitated, then her shoulders slumped. "No, but we're okay, Wesley
and I.  And I enjoy my work..."

"But not your life."

"I do okay," she repeated.

"Have you seen Jean Luc at all?" I knew it was a pretty abrupt way to
bring  him up, and I knew the answer, of course, but I wanted to see
her  reaction. Looking down at her hands, she said in a low voice. "It
was a  terrible  mistake, Walker. A stupid mistake done long ago."

"Was it?"

She looked up. I guess because of my tone.

"Yes, of course it was."

I could tell she was trying real hard to convince herself of that.
"But," I  insisted gently, "you think of him."

She didn't deny it, merely said in a distant tone, "Don't play
matchmaker,  Walker. It's too late for that."

Her words hit home. I'd already proven I was lousy in that department,
hadn't  I. "Beverly, I just don't understand..."

She spoke quickly to stop me from continuing. "He's never contacted
me. Not  once."

I frowned. If that was all...

Misinterpreting my expression, she reached over and touched my arm.
"It's not  all his fault. I've never contacted him, either. I said I
would,  but..." she  moved her hands in a helpless gesture. "There
never seemed to be the  right  time. And it was so awkward. It was
crazy after Jack was killed. *I*  was  crazy. I wanted to curl up and
die when I thought of what I had done  to him  before he was killed.
And what if it was all..." She paused, then  said, "Too  much time has
passed. I'm not the person I was. I'm sure he's not  the same,
either. It's gone, whatever it was."

I thought differently.

Damn, I love it when a plan falls together. I felt a surge of
optimism.

"Beverly," I said in a conversational tone, trying to keep my
enthusiasm under  control. "Maybe you need a change. I've just come
from HQ. There's  going to be  a new starship commissioned.
Galaxy-class. There'll be  accommodations for  families...you could
take Wesley. It'll need a CMO..."

"A ship? Me, in space?" She sat back and regarded me in surprise. "I'd
never  really thought of that." Her eyes brightened a bit. "it's a
possibility,  though, isn't it. Do you think....?"

Something in my expression, or my eyes, or maybe it was just that damn
intuition of hers, but something made her stop.

"What else is there?"

I recognized the tone. Knew she's insist on my telling her, so I
bluntly said,  "Jean Luc is their number one choice for captain.
Nothing is written  in stone,  of course, but I'm sure he'll take it.
You'd make a perfect CMO. Why  don't you  apply?"

I saw shock, doubt, hope and fear chase each other through her.

"Walker, I know...I know you want everything to work out," she said
gently,  "and I'm sorry now that you were burdened with what Jean Luc
and I  did... With  what I thought I felt...But it's passed. Some
things are just better  left  alone...."

I nodded. "So, are you going to apply?"

She laughed.

I smiled, but waited for an answer.

"Perhaps, Walker, perhaps. It would be a great opportunity, wouldn't
it? And  Wesley would absolutely love it..." I could see a growing
enthusiasm  for the  idea and started patting myself on the back.

Beverly's a smart woman, I knew she wouldn't throw away her life on
Earth just  on a chance she and Jean Luc might get together, but to
offer her a  CMO  position on Star Fleet's newest, most prestigious
ship was a  temptation.  Adding Jean Luc to the equation just made it
more interesting,  right? But for the moment, I had to be satisfied
with her 'perhaps'.

I left, and then sat about, waiting...and waiting....

Finally, I heard from her.

A smiling, vivacious Beverly Crusher shone out from the view screen at
me.  "Walker," she said when my face appeared on her screen. "Next
time  you  introduce me to someone, you can introduce me as the USS
_Enterprise_'s Chief  Medical Officer!"

I chuckled, happy beyond belief. "I'll be pleased to, and you know it!
Congratulations, Beverly."

We talked a while, and knowing we'd soon say good bye, I hesitated,
wondering  how to broach the subject. "Beverly," I began.

"Don't worry, Walker," she said confidently. "Who knows what life
holds for  us? It's been a long time. We've all changed. I'm ready for
an  adventure, and  this will be one. I'm just going to take things as
they come.  Perhaps we'll  become the friends we once were; that would
be nice."

I felt relief. So even if it didn't work out between the two of them,
it could  still work out. A win/win situation. Not bad for someone
who'd  screwed up so  badly before, eh?

They've been on the _Enterprise_ now for a few months. Neither of them
are  saying much, so it's obvious they haven't immediately seen sense.
To my surprise, Jean Luc was really shaken by her arrival. He even
protested  her appointment. Not that he didn't quickly withdraw it
once she was  on board.  But he's hesitant, unsure of himself. I think
he's spent so much  time now  keeping himself apart and emotionally
distant that the thought of  his past  showing up to become part of
his present is frightening to him. I  guess it's  going to take a
little longer than I'd originally thought, but I'm  sure they  will
make it, sooner or later.

He knows the part I played in getting Beverly on the ship. At least
he's not  mad at me. He'll never thank me, though. Well, not in the
foreseeable future, anyway. And I still worry he'll never get over the
guilt of Jack's death.  There's something there I don't understand,
something I'm sure he hasn't told  me. That's worrying, because we've
always shared everything.  I'm going to ask  him about it the next
time I see him.  And that won't be long from now.  I need Jean Luc's
help.  There are some mighty strange things happening in Star Fleet,
and I need his clear thinking.  He's one man you want on your side
when things get tough.  Once we've got this problem out of the way,
we're going to have a long talk.  I'm going to tell him I have every
intention of one day introducing Beverly and him as Captain and Doctor
Picard.  That's one introduction I'm looking forward to.  I wonder
what he'll say to that?

---

The End

---

Author's footnote: Captain Walker Keel was killed shortly after
meeting with Captain Picard and others to discuss his concerns over
unusual activities in Star Fleet Command.  His warnings resulted in
Captain Picard and his crew exposing and ridding the Federation of an
invasion of aliens whose origins are still unknown.  Walker never
had that talk with Picard he had so looked forward to.