The BLTS Archive - Soliloquies
#2: Chains of Solitude
by Mari (mari1529@my-deja.com)

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Disclaimers:  Paramount - you own them, I'm merely borrowing them for
non-profiteering.

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It's been three years since I've seen them. I get letters once and a
while; you know, the obligatory "Well, it's been a busy year..." kind.
I like to call them mailbombs. They seem to destroy my semblance of a
life once I've opened them.

Baby pictures and birthday parties.

So far, there's been very little change on my compass. It still points
north. Numerous experiments have failed to act as a catalyst.

It's really starting to annoy me, you know. I want kids. I want
someone to wake up to everyday. I want to be a grandfather someday.

Jean-Luc told me once that in some cultures, people believe that when
the gods want to punish them, they answer their prayers.

I still think a lightning bolt in the backside would have been
sufficient.

To be honest, the field isn't as open as it once was. The constraints
of captaincy, I suppose. I've met some nice ones, but none that have
made me want to rent the Waldorf for the reception.

I finally gave in and discussed this with our ship's counselor, Andrew
Donohoe. I told him that it just wasn't fair. He tells me that life is
never fair, and that perhaps it's good for the most part that it's
not. How else would you know how to appreciate what we have?

Well, up yours, Andrew. Like I didn't already know that. I've had
enough loss and disappointment. I want something...someone to
appreciate and be appreciated by.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. Hell, right now it's all I've got.
The problem is that it's just not enough. I need more. I'm so alone it
hurts. I go to my quarters to sleep and that's it. There are times
when I just don't bother; I sleep on the couch in my office. My
quarters really are just a waste of space. If there was someone to go
home to, I'd use them, but what's the point?

I'm so very tired of fighting, especially this particular lost cause.

I just wish it would all go away.

I don't think I can take this anymore.

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The End