The BLTS Archive - Soliloquies
#1: Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
by Mari (mari1529@my-deja.com)

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Disclaimers:  Not an "Imzadi"-friendly storyline. And Paramount, you
own, but we love and nurture them and let them have fun, and we don't
take money for it either!!!!!

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My father thinks I'm nuts.

It's been two years, he says. You have to move one, he says. You're
only 44. You've still got time. I had to do it. You can too. At least
you've still got her friendship, you haven't lost her completely.

Wanna bet, Dad?

I keep telling him that it's agony for me, I keep telling him to leave
it alone.

She's not dead, Will, she's married! he says.

He went dead quiet when I said that I wished she was.

It's impossible for him, for anyone to understand what this is like
for me. It'd be damn near intolerable under normal circumstances. This
bond makes it excruciating. I don't deny that I'm insanely jealous, or
that I'm completely and utterly enraged at him. At my ex-best friend.
Bastard.

It's just that everyone seems to forget that this link works both
ways. When her mother discovered that the bond couldn't be dissolved,
she put up a firewall that sort of nullified the link. It's there, it
just doesn't transmit or receive.

For her.

Like I said, everyone always forgets that the link works both ways.
Lwaxana didn't bother establishing a barrier for me. So 24-7, I get
snippets of her life in mine.

Morning-sickness was fun.

I'd come off night shift and spend the next hour puking.

When he had to go on that mission, and I ended up coaching her through
delivery, I wanted to die. It should've been my son. But I had to
stand there, watching her laughing through her tears, fake yet another
smile, congratulate that sonofabitch when he got back.

If the Captain tells me that there's more than one fish in the sea one
more time, I'll kill him.

Beverly and Jean-Luc Picard.

Geordi and Karen La Forge.

Data and Rebecca Soong.

Tom and Lorna Riker.

Worf and Deanna Roshenko.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Do you realize that out of nearly all my close friends, I am the only
one who's alone? And there doesn't seem to be any hope for me?

I love her.

The worst think is, I know it's my own fault. If I'd gone to Risa. If
I hadn't let her push the propriety thing nine years ago. If I'd taken
the chance after that monster used her as an emotion dump. I handed
her to him without even realizing it.

My father told me that obviously since I was reluctant, I didn't love
her enough. He's wrong. I was scared to take the chance. I told him
that if there was one thing that I couldn't forgive him for, it's the
number he did on me when it comes to love. Constantly leaving me when
I needed him. I became so self-reliant that needing someone meant that
I wasn't strong enough, smart enough. It meant that I needed help.
That I was weak. And that was dangerous, because another person was a
variable that I couldn't control. After all, they could realize that I
wasn't worth the effort and just leave. Like Dad always did. Like Mom
did.

Did I tell you that my mother killed herself? I found the note in a
box when I was nine. It's so pleasant to discover that you caused a
shotgun wedding. She said I was an accident. A mistake. Her penance.
Dad doesn't know that I know. But it explains why sometimes I see him
looking at me with rage in his eyes. I just don't know if it's at her
or me.

Dad says Tom found Lorna. If we're the same person, then I should be
able to. But Dad forgets that we've led very different lives over
the past decade. Deanna and I were never really apart, whereas she and
Tom were. Q E D.

I've got one last chance to try and move on, though. I don't think
it'll do much good, but what the hell. Risk is our business. I'm
finally getting that fourth pip. The Hood. I'm betting the farm on a
five-year mission.

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The End