The BLTS Archive - Roadways
#5: Alternate Routes
by MaisieRita (MaisieRita@aol.com)

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copyright 1999

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah Paramount blah blah borrowed blah blah no
infringement intended blah blah blah.

Feedback: If you'd be so kind...

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It was something of a shock to see a human when we answered the hail.
Not a "real" human -- not a Terran -- but an alien who looked as human
as I did.  No funny nose, no funny ears, brown eyes, brown hair, skin
a light tan.  Human, or so close as to make no difference.

"I'm Captain Dask of the Kiterian Alliance," he said, gazing with
frank interest at our Bridge.

Kathryn stood up.  "I'm Captain Kath-"

"Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager," Dask said
without warmth.  "Yes, I know who you are."

Kathryn tried to keep it friendly.  "You've heard of us."

"Oh, I know all about your trek across the Delta Quadrant.  I'll admit
I'm surprised to find you in this system.  We thought you'd have been
3,000 light-years away from here by now."

Kathryn frowned, either in annoyed remembrance of our ill fortune or
in dismay over Dask's accurate knowledge of our situation.  "We had a
run in with a spatial anomaly about 18 months ago," she answered.  "It
threw us 5,000 light-years in the wrong direction."

"Too bad," Dask said casually.  "And obviously no luck with your
slipstream drive, either."

"No," Janeway said, irritation becoming evident.  "You seem to know a
lot about us, Captain."

Dask nodded slightly.  "We have a mutual acquaintance.  Perhaps you
remember him.  Tom Paris?  I believe he was a former crewman of
yours."

Kathryn's expression went carefully blank.  "Yes, he was.  He left us
about five years ago."

For the first time, Dask displayed emotion.  He laughed.  "Left you?
You make it sound so innocuous."

"He left of his own free will," Kathryn said icily.

"Of course he did."  Dask's voice was unmistakably
condescending.  "After he was stripped of his commission and nearly
killed by his ex-girlfriend."  Dask's eyes were hard and unforgiving.
"And there were all those fights . . . he'd have to have been suicidal
to stay."

"I don't know what Paris has told you, Captain, but I assure you that
he has been twisting events around-"

"He told me *nothing*," Dask said disgustedly.  "My people are
telepaths.  We have no secrets from each other.  I knew everything
about Tom the first moment I met him."  His eyes grew distant.  "He
was a fine man, Captain, and a valued member of our community.  Not a
day has passed since his death that I do not regret his loss."

His words hit me hard and I finally broke my silence. "His death?"

Dask looked at me.  "You must be Commander Chakotay.  Tom mentioned
the tattoo."

I nodded wordlessly.

Dask continued somberly, "Tom was killed in an accident several months
ago."

I could not speak.  If I did, my voice would surely have betrayed the
grief I felt, and I was still not brave enough to let the others know
that I harbored any affection for Tom, even if it was only friendship.
For the millionth time, I cursed myself as a coward and marveled that
even in death, I let Tom down.

Dask spoke again, coldly formal.  "If you wish to pass through our
space, there are certain agreements that must be reached."

Kathryn smiled politely, "If you would like to come aboard, we have
comfortable facilities for conducting a meeting."

"No.  I will not board your vessel."

"I would be happy to come to your ship," Kathryn suggested.

"No."

"But Captain, surely-"

Dask smiled thinly, "I don't like you, Captain Janeway.  You're a
small-minded bigot, and you destroyed a man's life simply because of
his innate sexual preference.  I will not have you tainting my ship
with your presence."

I could hear the anger in Kathryn's voice when she spoke.  "Are you
suggesting we negotiate via subspace?"

"No.  We must meet in person."  Dask's hostile eyes swept around the
Bridge and landed on me.  "Commander Chakotay is your Second, is he
not?  His presence will suffice."

Kathryn's mouth was closed in a tight, thin line.  "Very well."

It was only a few minutes later that I stood on the Bridge of Dask's
ship.  I was none too sure of the reception I'd get.  If Dask were a
true telepath as he claimed, and he'd spoken to Tom about me, then he
surely knew my secret from Tom.  Yet he'd also as surely know  the way
I failed in every respect to help the man who'd saved my life.

"Commander Chakotay."  Dask's pleasant greeting was a stark contrast
to his hostile demeanor over the viewscreen.  "It's a pleasure to meet
you."

"Captain," I greeted cautiously, shaking his proffered hand.  He
maintained our connection for longer than was necessary, and I felt a
tingling where his fingers gripped my wrist.  An instant later, he
dropped my wrist and the tingling disappeared.

"It's a pleasure to meet you in person," Dask said, leading me off the
Bridge into some sort of turbolift.  "Tom speaks highly of you."

"He was a good man," I answered.  "I've missed his company.  I have
regretted . . . " It was hard for me to speak.  " . . . regretted so
many times that I wasn't able to do more for him before he left."

Dask looked at me understandingly.  "You could not have done so
without compromising yourself."

"I know, but . . . " I had to struggle to articulate the guilt.
"Perhaps if I'd come forward at that time, it would have been
different.  Better for Tom."

Dask shrugged gently.  "Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  You will never know, I
suppose."

The guilt rose hard in my throat.  "No."  I had to take a breath
before continuing. "Was he happy here?"

 "Yes."  He indicated a door set in the wall.  "Right in here."

"Before we begin," I said, hesitating outside the door for an instant,
"I just have to warn you that I do not have complete authority to make
decisions concerning Voyager's passage through your space.  I may have
to clear certain conditions with Captain Janeway."

Dask laughed.  "There are no conditions.  Kiterian space is open to
travelers."

I blinked.  "Pardon my asking, but if there is nothing to negotiate,
why am I here?"

"To meet someone."  He opened the door and gently pushed me inside,
letting it close behind me.  I barely had time to register the room as
living quarters, not a conference room, before someone spoke.

"Hello, Chakotay."

I must have looked an idiot, standing there with my jaw dropped to the
floor.  I was in such shock, I couldn't begin to speak.

"Chakotay?" Tom said, coming closer.  "Oh god, he didn't warn you.
Typical."

"Tom?" I spluttered, finally finding my voice.

"The one and only," he said with a grin, walking over and giving me a
familiar hug.  "It's good to see you."

"You too," I managed, still in shock over his very presence and the
ease with which he had wrapped his arms around me.  "Captain Dask told
us you were dead."

He nodded slightly.  "My idea.  I thought it would be better.  If
everyone think I'm dead, my family might not have such a hard time of
it when Voyager gets home and Janeway tells everyone about me."  He
paused only briefly before asking, "How have you been?"

I frowned involuntarily.  "All right.  It's been difficult for me
since you left."

Sorrow and sympathy flashed onto his face.  "Do they know?"

"No.  No, nothing like that.  It's just that . . . I see them all so
differently now.  It's hard, sometimes, just to be civil.  And," I
confessed with a sigh, "I feel very guilty about how I acted when they
found out about you."

He shook his head.  "There was nothing you could have done, Chakotay."

"I've been telling myself that for five years.  I still don't believe
it." I was disgusted with myself all over again.  "I could have
*tried*, Tom.  I could have said something, *done* something . . . "

"You'd have been branded a fag-lover.  It would have destroyed your
authority, and maybe even gotten them asking questions you didn't want
to answer."

"I should have done it anyway," I said softly.  Instead I saved myself
by hiding in the shadows, and let them drive you from the ship."

"Hey," he said gently, putting a hand on my arm with a casualness that
he'd never have managed five years before, "it worked out for the
best.  I'm happy here, Chakotay, really happy.  I don't have to hide,
or pretend to be something I'm not.  I can hold hands with my lover
when we go for a walk."  His mouth quirked into a grin.  "It's even
better than Auckland."

I had to smile at that.  "I'm happy for you."

He handed me a drink and took one for himself.  "I'm just glad they
haven't found out about you.  Be careful on shoreleave."

I shook my head.  "No need.  I don't take shoreleaves anymore.  At
least," I amended, "not that kind."

He raised an eyebrow.  "Really?  Are you involved with someone?"

"No.  I couldn't be.  Not with anyone on the ship.  I . . . it makes
me nauseous to think about it.  After the way they treated you, I just
can't."

He looked sad.  "So you've been with no one?  For all this time?"

I shrugged.  "A few times, on shoreleave.  But always women.  I have
it easier than you do, Tom.  I really *am* bisexual."

"I know," he nodded.  "But you used to risk finding men anyway.  You
can't tell me you don't miss it.  It's so different being with a man
than with a woman."

I swallowed.  "I try not to think about it.  I can't risk it, Tom."

He looked at me sadly.  "That's no way to live."

"No, it's not," I agreed.  "But I don't have a choice."

He looked at me intently.  "You could stay here.  The Kiterians are
great.  Open, honest, and they don't give a fuck about who you want to
sleep with so long as it doesn't hurt anybody else."

I closed my eyes to banish the sudden wave of longing that swept over
me.  "I can't."

God, I'd forgotten how blue his eyes were.  They drilled into my soul
as he stared at me.  "Why not?"

"I just can't.  I have to try to get home, Tom.  I told you that five
years ago.  Nothing's changed."

"Not for you," he said softly. "It never will, Chakotay.  *They'll*
never change.  You'll live your life pretending to be someone you're
not."

"I know." I looked away so I wouldn't have to see the compassion in
his eyes, and my eyes landed on a framed photo of Tom and another man.
Placed prominently on the desk, it was obviously meant to draw
attention.

"That's Lestin," Tom said from behind me.  "He lives here."  A short
pause. "With me."

"Sharing quarters already?" I said, one eyebrow artfully raised.

He grinned.  "We've been together for two years, Chakotay.  I figured
it was time.  Anyway, it's hard to hide things from telepaths.  He
knew I was falling in love with him before I did."  Wonder suffused
his voice. "He knows me more completely than anyone I've ever met."

I couldn't recall ever having seen Tom smile like that.  He was
glowing, almost incandescent.  A sharp pang of jealousy stabbed at me,
and I worked hard to suppress it.  I'd never have that  happiness,
never have anybody know me like that, not if I stayed on Voyager and
went back home.

"Would you like to meet him?" Tom asked, a little shyly.

I couldn't refuse.  "Of course."

Tom's eyes went blank for a second, then he relaxed.  "He's just down
the hall.  He'll be here in a second."

I chuckled.  "Handy having a telepath around."

He winked and leered. "In more ways than one."

It was only another second or two before the door slid open and Lestin
walked in.  Tall, slender, with brown hair and blue eyes, he
unselfconsciously walked over to Tom, slid his arm around Tom's waist,
and kissed him hello.  Only then did he turn around and flash a
devastating smile at me.  "Commander Chakotay, I presume?"

"If you're really a telepath, you already know."

The smile was flashed in my direction again, and I dizzily understood
how easy it must have been for Tom to fall for him.  "It's not polite
to probe." He radiated warmth, and I liked him instinctively.

Tom introduced us. "Les, Chakotay.  Chakotay, Les."

Lestin finally held his hand out to me, and when I gripped it I felt
the same tingle I'd felt when I'd shaken hands with Dask.

Les spoke pleasantly, "It's a real pleasure to meet you, Commander.
Tom's told me a lot about you."

"I'd say the same," I answered, "but I'd be lying."  I smiled. "I
think he hit all the important points, though."

He smiled again and my knees went a little weak.  It wasn't so much
that he was gorgeous -- which he was -- but simply that it had been so
long since I'd been with a man who felt comfortable enough to smile at
me like that.  Lestin looked at me for an instant longer and said
calmly, "You've decided not to stay."

"I thought you didn't probe."

"I don't.  I can't help it if you're projecting.  You envy Tom-" he
looked at Tom and smiled warmly, "-but you're going back anyway."

I nodded.  "Actually, I have to be getting back soon.  Since Voyager
is allowed to travel freely through your space, I can't claim to have
been negotiating for too long."

"You could stay for dinner," Tom offered.  "It wouldn't be unusual.
Dask will say you ate with him."

"No.  I'm sorry but . . . Les is right.  I'm jealous as hell and if I
have dinner with the two of you, it will just be that much harder to
go back to Voyager."

"Then don't go back to Voyager," Tom pleaded, placing his hand on my
arm.  "I hate to think of you hiding for the rest of your life."

"I can't.  I'm sorry, Tom, but I *can't*.  I'm not like you.  I'm not
brave enough to stay."

Tom was going to speak but Lestin stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Let him go, love.  It's his decision to make, and he's not ready yet
to make it."

Tom nodded and took a deep breath before turning to me.  "Then I guess
this is good-bye.  For real, this time, assuming you don't hit anymore
subspace anomalies."  I nodded and gave him a hug.  He took the
opportunity to press a small chip into my hand.  "It's a coded
subspace transmitter.  In case you change your mind.  All you have to
do is activate it, and we'll be there."

"Thanks," I said softly, turning it over in my hands.  I walked to the
door and keyed it open, turning back for one last look.  "Be happy."

He smiled and slipped back into the obviously familiar embrace of
Lestin's arms.  "I am."

That's my last and best memory of Tom.  Standing in his lover's arms,
comfortable with him in a way I'll never be with anyone. Although it
was years ago, I still have the chip hidden in my desk.  Sometimes,
late at night when I'm lying alone in bed, I hold it in my hands and
wish I'd had the courage to use it.

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The End