The BLTS Archive - Roadways
#1: Sidestreets
by MaisieRita (MaisieRita@aol.com)

---

copyright 1999
 
Disclaimer:  Paramount owns the boyz.  I'm simply taking them out for
a little joyride.

Warning:  Implied m/m relationship, a little angst.

---

It wasn't the kind of place I would have expected to find him.  To be
perfectly honest, it was the *last* kind of place I'd have expected to
find him.  I'd been careful on my way here, making sure no one else
from the ship had seen me.  Hell, I didn't want anyone from the ship
knowing I was even in this neighborhood.

It was shore leave.  Technically, we were free to do whatever we
wanted, so long as it was legal on the planet and didn't break any
Starfleet protocols or Federation laws.  This wasn't technically
illegal in the Federation.  Just frowned upon.  Nor did it break any
Starfleet protocols.  The 'Fleet followed a strict, "Don't ask, don't
tell" policy.  A fine distinction, to be sure, since even the hint of 
scandal could ruin your career.

Not that I cared so much about my career.  I'd left Starfleet
voluntarily, for many reasons, not the least of which was that I was
sick of playing hide and seek with my lovers.

Still, I was, for the foreseeable future, stuck on a Starfleet vessel. 
If I wanted to maintain any authority as First Officer, it was vitally
important that no one find out that I was "that way."  It was only 
sheer luck, really, that Janeway didn't know already.  Luck and the
fact that the only lover I'd had in the Maquis happened to be female. 
No one can tell a secret when they don't know there's one to tell.

If it weren't for shore leaves, though, I think I'd have gone insane a
long time ago.  I mean, female lovers are fine.  They're soft and
gentle and curvy and I'm hardly immune to their charms.  But men  . .
. I don't know; there's just something about the feel of another man
next to me.  I get a kind of satisfaction that I don't get with women. 
I need that every once in a while.

However, while I was onboard Voyager, the risks were simply too great. 
I couldn't afford getting involved with a man, *any* man.  I couldn't
even risk making any discreet inquiries.  There was too big a chance
that someone might recognize the signals and tell Kathryn.  I don't
know; in a way it would have been a relief to have it all out in the
open, but it would have left Kathryn in an untenable position and I
had no desire to force her to replace me.

So I was left was random encounters with random aliens on random
planets.  Hot, sweaty, and passionate, but with no emotion.  I wished
it could have been different, but there was just no way . . .

. . . until I walked into that bar and saw him sitting there, nursing
a drink and chatting up a breathtakingly beautiful alien.  Tall, dark,
and mostly humanoid, with long deep purple hair tied back into a messy
ponytail, and a shirt of white silk that was open to the waist and
displayed light purple fuzz all the way down.

Tom had good taste.

My first instinct on seeing him was to leave as quickly as I'd come. 
He hadn't seen me yet, no damage had been done, he couldn't tell
anybody . . . but then he turned his head slightly and caught my
reflection in the mirror.

For me, it was an instant of complete clarity.  No longer alone, there
was another man on the ship who I could speak to and with whom I could
share thoughts and hopes and even fantasies.  I was filled with a
sense of relief so profound that I didn't even notice
Tom's reaction.

He had turned so pale that for a second I thought he might actually
pass out.  The alien was still talking to him but Tom's eyes were
focused on me, filled with a panic with which I was only too familiar.
He swallowed the rest of his drink in one too-hasty gulp, and then
rose without a word to his companion, and made his way unsteadily to
me.

He looked as pale as I'd ever seen him and his voice, when he spoke,
was unsteady.  "Commander."

"Tom." I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn't find the words. 
He looked so frightened.

"It's not what you think."

I was confused.  How could he not realize? "It's not?"

"No!  I was just wandering around, and I got lost.  I . . . I wandered
in here to get directions and since it was a bar I figured I'd get a
drink.  I didn't know what kind of place it was, Commander, I swear
it."

I tried again.  "Tom's, it's okay if you-"

He didn't even hear me.  "No!  I'm not -- I'd never have come in if
I'd known what it was, Chakotay.  I -- I wouldn't -- I'd never --"

He was so scared.  I felt an instinctive need to comfort him.  We
were, after all, more like than unlike.  I made my voice purposely
soothing.  "Tom, it's okay.  I understand."

It didn't help.  If anything, it made matters worse.  "*No.* There's
nothing to understand!  I'm not like that, Commander, I swear it."

"There's no need to lie to me."

"I'm -- I'm not -- " He stared at me in complete panic.  "God.  Oh
god, you can't tell the Captain.  You don't know what she's like, she
hates this.  If she knew, she'd . . . she wouldn't let me fly, she
wouldn't let me near the Bridge . . . oh god.  Please, Chakotay, I'll
do anything you want.  I'll give you all my rations, I'll work double
shifts, I'll-"

I cut him off in mid-plea.  "I don't want anything from you, Tom.  I
just-"

"You don't understand!"  His voice was soft and anguished.  "I tried
to stay away.  I really did.  It's just so -- there's no one on the
ship to talk to and I get so -- I just wanted to *talk*, Chakotay.  I
wasn't going to . . . to *do* anything.  I just wanted to talk."  I
had to strain to hear his final words.  "I'm so tired of hiding all
the time.  I just wanted to talk."

"*Tom*."  I placed a hand on his arm and he recoiled instinctively. 
Men do not touch other men.  Not like that.  Not in public.  "Listen
to me.  It's okay.  We can make a deal, all right?"

Hope flashed across his face.  "Anything you want.  I'll give you
anything-"

"No.  I said I don't want anything from you."

"Then what?"

"Simple.  I won't tell anyone I saw you here and you . . . " I paused
and caught his eyes so my meaning couldn't be misunderstood.  "You
won't tell anyone that you saw *me* here.  All right?"

It took him a second, and then a slow smile spread tentatively across
his face as comprehension dawned.  "All right."

As he turned to go back to his drinking partner I stopped him with
another touch.  "Actually, there's one thing you can do for me."

His smile this time was much more relaxed.  "As I said, anything you
want."

"If you ever need to talk?  Come find me.  Deal?"

"Deal," he agreed, grinning.

*Finally*, I thought.  Neither of us would be alone again.

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The End