The BLTS Archive - Outcast No Longer
by Maddie (mystwood60@hotmail.com)

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Published: 07-04-05

Updated: 07-04-05

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Disclaimer: Paramount owns them all...the ship, the crew and
the universe, but...the plot belongs to me.

Archiving: Yes, but only with permission from author. My
stories are like my children. I like to know where they end
up spending the night.

Feedback: Always welcome

Author's notes: This story was originally published in hard
copy by Orion Press in their Star Trek: The Next Generation
fanzine Eridani 19 (1993).

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The holodeck portal swished open, and Beverly Crusher was
startled by the rush of warm fragrant air that billowed
through the opening. She found herself holding her breath
loathe to exhale for fear she would disturb the silent
beauty. Stepping across the threshold she heard the hatchway
slide closed. Glancing behind her, she noted the
transformation from barren metal to the illusion of verdant
growth was complete

Again Crusher drew a deep breath, steadying herself, knowing
she may not be welcome. Taking several steps into the dense
plant growth, Crusher was awed by the lush greenery, the
warm still night and the faint spicy fragrance wafting in
ghostly suggestion on the gentle breeze. Instinctively, she
looked up into the dense canopy and beyond, searching for
the moon she felt should be part of such natural perfection,
but she could not see through the overgrowth. Turning
slowly, she felt a tremendous sense of peace surrounded by
such tranquil loveliness

"Oh," she uttered, and then stepped toward a low bush,
heavily laden with blossoms the size of dinner plates, yet
as delicate as spider webs. Gossamer tendrils of bloody
scarlet cascaded from the center of each blossom whose
finger-like petals were a pearlized white so pure they were
luminescent. Bending, Crusher inhaled the heady fragrance,
recognizing the blooms as the source of the spicy odor she'd
noted as she entered the holodeck.

"It's called a falla bush."

Crusher jumped and spun on her heel, guilty of being so
deeply enthralled by her surroundings that she had forgotten
her reason for being here and suddenly all too aware she was
intruding.

"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you. There was no privacy lock
on the program." Crusher felt she was bumbling badly. "I
thought this was an open holodeck."

His face was calm. Too calm, she decided. She recognized the
practiced lack of expression and knew it was hiding a deeper
pain. This was an emotional tactic she'd become familiar
with over the years. One she had employed herself.

"Will," Crusher said softly, reaching out to lay a hand on
his arm. "We've been concerned about you."

Will Riker's smile was bitter, sardonic not the quick and
easy grin his shipmates had come to expect from him. "You
mean Counselor Troi is concerned."

"All of us, Will," Crusher corrected sharply. "All of us who
count you as a friend."

"There's no need to be concerned," he said quickly. "I just
needed some time to think."

"And to create this?" she asked, running her finger along
the edge of one white falla petal.

He nodded.

"It's lovely."

"It blooms only one day out of the year," Riker stated
formally. He stood at parade rest, hands clasped behind his
back, emotionally distant and reserved. "I've never seen the
real thing, but the computer was able to postulate a
simulation from scans it performed while orbiting the
planet."

"While orbiting J'nai, Will. The planet has a name." Crusher
could see Riker tense, the muscles working along the line of
his jaw. Otherwise, he made no move to acknowledge her
correction. "The falla bush is spectacular. All of this is.
I wasn't able to visit the planet's surface while we were
there."

Crusher felt herself blushing unreasonably. She had intended
to offer support and felt as though she were rambling
inanely. "Will..." she faltered against the wall of his
stony silence. "I know how you feel." The look he shot her
would easily have pierced a bulkhead, and suddenly she was
angry. "You aren't the first person to lose someone you
love," she snapped, inwardly cursing her insensitive
outburst.

Riker started, stared at her for a moment then the corners
of his mouth quirked and a shadow of amusement lit his blue
eyes.

"That was a low blow, Doctor," he said.

"It wasn't meant to be."

"It damn well was. And it was quite effective." Riker shook
his head and his shoulders slumped slightly forward, the
rigid control beginning to dissolve. "I thought, perhaps, in
here," he nodded to indicate the confines of the holodeck,
"I might be allowed to indulge in an unobserved wallow of
self pity for a short time."

Crusher grinned. "Deanna's kept a pretty close eye on you
since we left J'nai."

"Like the proverbial hawk," Riker said.

"She wanted to come here herself," Crusher said, serious
again, hoping to draw Riker out. "I wouldn't let her," she
continued.

Riker's look was quizzical, but he said nothing.

/ feel like I'm talking to myself. Crusher thought. "I
figured I owed you one, Will."

"Owed me?" he finally asked, his head tilting in a gesture
that reminded her of Data.

"For Odan," Crusher replied simply, damning the catch in her
own voice. She shifted her feet uncomfortably. They had
never really talked about that experience.

"That was a different situation." Riker turned and walked
deeper into the simulation.

So / have to follow if we're going to talk, Crusher thought.
Okay, mister She hastened to catch up to him.

For a moment, they walked in silence until Riker stopped
abruptly in a section of the holodeck that was noticeably
cooler.

"This is a manellin tree," he said, reaching up to finger a
tiny leaf that had begun to turn white on the edges.

"Will, I didn't come here for a botany lesson. And you keep
changing the subject. What happened between Odan and me
wasn't that different. Except, instead of Odan turning away
from me, it was I who rejected him, or her. I couldn't
accept the change."

"You don't know what happened on J'nai so you can't begin to
compare situations," Riker said defensively.

"I know what the rumor mill has been cranking out," Crusher
said. "And I have my own suspicions. Soren's feelings for
you were pretty obvious." Crusher remembered Soren's catlike
curiosity about anything meant to create distinction between
the sexes.

Riker turned away, standing a few feet from her in the
shadow of the manellin tree. The silence between them
stretched taut until Crusher wished any noise would fracture
it. But she dare not move or breathe until Riker chose to
speak.

"I was wrong," Riker said over his shoulder, not turning to
face her. "I tried to interfere with the function of J'nai
society, for my own personal interests. That violates every
law I've sworn to uphold."

"You loved her." Crusher was not sure whether she was
stating a fact or asking a question.

"I was desperate to protect her from the standards of her
own culture. I thought I was doing it so she could have the
best possible life. It all made perfect sense at the time."
Riker's voice mirrored his confusion. "Maybe that's why
Deanna is so concerned. I was willing to do for Soren what I
would never do for her."

"What, Will?" Crusher asked, stepping closer.

"You know damn well, Doctor. Sacrifice my career, everything
I've dedicated my life to building. I was willing to drag
Worf along with me, though the crazy Klingon was perfectly
happy playing the renegade. But Soren had the brains to say
no. She understood the meaning of sacrificing for love far
better than I ever will."

Crusher laid her hand on Riker's shoulder, hoping he would
find some comfort in the touch of a friend.

"She'd been brainwashed, Will. By her own people."

"No."

The absolute pain in that single word startled Crusher more
that Riker's resolute silence, more than his sarcasm, more
than his rigid control. It spoke volumes of the torment he
had tried to conceal, to ignore, and to forget. Taking him
by the arm, Crusher turned him so the subdued light fell on
his face. "But the psychotechnic treatments--"

"Weren't scheduled to begin until the next morning," Riker
finished his voice a harsh whisper, his eyes distant and
haunted.

"Will, what exactly did happen?"

"Soren put on an act, Beverly. To protect me and prevent me
from making a bigger fool of myself. She pretended," Riker
paused as though catching his breath, bracing himself for
the raw truth. "She pretended that I meant nothing to her.
She turned her back on me. And she was right."

Crusher barely heard the last few words they were spoken so
softly. "Will. Soren lives in a repressive society. She's
not free to be herself."

"Maybe. But I understand now the rightness of what she chose
to do. I was in the process of destroying my career. Despite
her desires, she knew the only hope of saving what I'd spent
my life working for was for her to turn away. In the end, I
think she realized that, done my way, neither of us would
have been happy. We would both become outcasts, censured by
our own people. At least, this way, she is still a member of
her society and I still have my precious career, though I
wonder at times how that became the most important thing in
my life."

"That's all very logical, Will."

"But it still hurts like hell, doesn't it, Doctor?" Riker
looked at her steadily, daring her to challenge him. "Like
Odan. Accepting that he could change from the man you loved,
to me, to a woman, and still be the same Odan, can be done
logically, but it's a hell of a lot harder to do it with
your heart."

Crusher nodded, fighting the tears stinging her eyes. "Like
I said, Will, I understand." Riker looked utterly dejected,
and she remembered how empty she had felt after Odan had
left.

Cautiously wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders, she
held him, felt his cheek rest momentarily against the top of
her head, his shoulders slumped, arms limp at his sides. He
shuddered once and then she drew back squeezing his hand in
hers. "She'll haunt your dreams for a long time. When the
dreams become difficult, don't forget you have friends who
care."

Riker smiled a tired smile. Crusher walked toward the
holodeck portal, pausing once to glance over her shoulder
aware that she had done all she could. The healing required
time. Riker stood where she had left him, alone amidst the
profusion of vegetation, near a lovely tree whose leaves
were turning softly white.

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The End