The BLTS Archive - Lonely Hearts:
Pain and Maturity
by Lone Templar (eric_prenovost@hotmail.com)

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Disclaimer: I don't own the characters that appear(ed) on the
television show Star Trek: Voyager. These characters, the ship, and
the Star Trek names, organizations, and film companies belong to
Paramount Pictures and the now deceased Gene Rodenberry. I will not
make any financial gains from the creation, writing, or publication
of this story and if monetary gains are realized, I agree to turn
those moneys over to Paramount Pictures at the earliest opportunity.

Distribution: Post it to your hearts content. Just drop me a line and
let me know.

Authors Note 1: Harry Kim has always been a bit of an enigma to me.
He was kept as the perpetual innocent by Paramount so that he could
always be the 'rookie' in a situation. I think that this is a grave
injustice that was done to the character and wanted to reflect the
change he would have to undergo in order to change that.

---

I was desolated with the knowledge that Seven of Nine was no longer
with us. I don't know what happened, but I know that what went on the
logs is a lie. After being told that the Delta Flyer had
malfunctioned and exploded, I sat at my workstation and did nothing.
I don't think that I was capable of doing anything at that point in
time. The shock of hearing the news combined with the personal
feeling of loss seemed to overwhelm my mind, shutting it down for a
while. I could see different moments of my personal history with the
beautiful blonde being played out in my mind when I closed my eyes,
but there was no relief to be had there. So, thinking that there
might be something that was salvageable in the wreckage, I scanned
for it. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there wasn't any!

I checked the readouts on the sensors, but they were functioning
adequately. So I scanned the system again. Nothing. So I pulled up
the preliminary report on the incident and compared B'Elanna's
statement with the data that was being displayed. She had stated that
she was able to make an emergency beam out right before the ship
exploded and yet, there wasn't any debris field within eighty
thousand kilometers. I know for a fact that the maximum effective
range for an emergency transporter is only forty thousand kilometers.
Hoping that I was wrong, I scanned the system once again. Still
nothing.

Just then, I saw Commander Chakotay coming out of the Captain's ready
room, so I reported my findings to him. He didn't appear shocked or
distressed by my news. He simply informed me that he would take care
of it. As he left, I returned to my workstation and thought about the
reason behind the absence of a debris field. The only thing that made
any sense at all is if the Flyer was still intact. So I scanned for
its' warp signature. Nothing. Wherever the little ship was, it was
out of sensor range. I sat back and thought some more before doing a
scan for ion trails. Bingo! There were only two ion trails in the
system, an unknown and ours. The unknown was approximately six to
nine days old. When the computer spat out the results, I felt my
heart lighten significantly. Seven was still alive!

Then I remembered the look on the Commander's face and shuddered as I
felt a chill race down my spine. He wasn't surprised at all! He
suspected something like this all along! Now why would he be
suspicious? The only thing I could think of was that Seven was
running away from home. I know that the thought of that should shock
me, but it really didn't. Even as I worked to prevent it, I knew that
she would try something desperate sooner or later.

In the beginning, I had hopes of entering a romantic relationship
with the gorgeous woman, but my greatest enemy prevented it. Yeah, I
know that most people actually mean someone specific when they use
that phrase, but my greatest enemy has always been myself. Whenever I
tried to talk to her, my voice would stutter and shake
uncontrollably. I would blush and hide my face. I'm pretty sure that
I gave every appearance of a class one goof ball. Of course, I knew
that Tom was pushing me towards her, but of course, he's always doing
something like that. He's a great friend, always looking out for me.
He goes out of his way to help those that need it. He's the type of
person that I always wished that I could be like: confident,
intelligent, and popular. But like I said before, I just couldn't
talk to the woman without freezing up.

There was this one time when I was trying to ask her out on a date
and giving a pretty pathetic performance that she managed to shock me
into rethinking my plans. Without hesitation or showing any signs
that she was violating a cultural taboo, she told me that if I wished
to procreate with her I should remove my clothes. I was shocked
speechless! I remember stammering and stuttering, but I honestly
can't remember what I said in reply. I beat a hasty retreat and
thought long and hard about what I wanted from the woman. Since I was
being honest with myself, probably for the first time, I knew that a
romantic relationship between us just wouldn't work. I want the
romance returned to me without having to prompt it. I want my future
wife to go out of her way to please me and be pleasantly surprised
when I do the same. No expectations or anything on her part, just
pleased that I would do such a thing for her. I'm afraid that it's
the one thing that Seven would never be able to do. She might be
ready for a relationship one day, but that day isn't anywhere in
sight at the present time. She's so child-like and innocent right
now, even with the crimes of the Borg on her conscious.

"Ensign Kim?"

I turned around to see Captain Janeway standing at the door to the
ready room, giving me her famous 'look' as if I had done something
wrong. "Yes, Captain?" I replied, trying to will myself to not get
flustered. Of course it didn't work.

"How long have you been on duty?" The Captain asked, placing her
hands on her hips and giving me a stern looking over. I always felt
like a child when she did stuff like that.

"Uh, about thirteen hours, Captain." I replied, feeling my face flush
as her stern look took on one of disappointment.

"Go home, Harry. Get some sleep." She ordered in a tired voice,
closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose with her hand.

"Aye, Captain." I dutifully replied, punching in the order on my
workstation to summon my relief. As I was waiting the few seconds it
would take, I actually looked at the Captain for the first time in my
life. Before this current mess, I had always viewed her as close to
perfection as it was possible to get. I never worried too much about
the situations we got into out here in the Delta Quadrant because I
knew that the Captain would and could get us out of them. Sure, I was
scared at times, but it wasn't the kind of scared you get when you
were frightened you were going to die. No, those situations always
made me feel as if I were at a carnival riding the roller coasters.
Yes, I was scared, but I was sure that I would come through it
intact. Yeah, there were times I was hurt in the past, but I wasn't
ever afraid that I was actually going to die if the Captain was in
the area.

Now, I looked. And for the first time, I saw her without my eyes
being clouded by hero-worship. She had a defeated air to her. Her
shoulders drooped ever so slightly. Her face was it's normal
impassive mask but her eyes held that haunted look that signaled that
the soul behind them was about to break. They seemed. . .  I don't
know. . .  I  guess that lifeless is the one word to describe them
best. No, I'm  not talking about the actual appearance of those
blue-gray orbs,  although that was bad also. They were red and puffy,
signaling that  she had been crying her heart out only moments before.
I could see  the dried tear tracks on her cheeks and the wetness of
her tunic  right below her chin. Her eyes were. . .  empty. A void
that seemed to cry  out for something to fill them, but there wasn't
anything available.  She took one long, slow look around the bridge
before turning and  leaving via the turbo lift.

When the door slid shut behind her, I turned my station over to my
relief and left. My thoughts were troubled as I evaluated my life and
my feelings for the people around me. The most startling revelation
was the fact that the Captain was human. She wasn't this omnipotent
God-like being who held all of life's answers. She wasn't the
greatest admiral in the universe who could fight five wars at the
same time. She wasn't the greatest Captain in history. She was
simply. . .  human. Yeah, she was a good Captain and determined to
bring  her ship home, but now I saw her in this new light and I wasn't
pleased with what I found. My security blanket had been ripped away
and I was feeling a little adrift. I felt like a castaway on the
ocean of life if you will. I was looking around for something to grab
hold of for that safe feeling again and there was nothing there. I
could very well die out here, never seeing my family or home again. I
had never thought in those terms before, but there it was. There were
no more guarantees in my life anymore and I was scared. I was just as
alone as anyone else. . .  and just as vulnerable to whatever the
universe  decided to throw at me.

I had just reached this rather startling conclusion when I bumped
into someone in the corridor. After regaining my balance, I saw
B'Elanna sprawling on the deck, glaring up at me. "Watch where yer
going, why don't cha?" She slurred angrily, floundering about on the
deck before I helped her to her feet. Great, she was drunk off her
ass! I sighed wearily, knowing that I would be the nice guy and
escort her back to her quarters so that I would know that she had
arrived safely. Of course, I wasn't going to put up with her crap
while doing it either! I grabbed her left arm and frog-marched her
down the corridor under her disbelieving eye.

"Hey!" She cried out, rebounding off the wall and back onto her  path.
"Watch it!"

I rolled my eyes in frustration and guided her none to gently into
the turbo lift. When I released her, she continued forward until she
struck the rear wall. I was almost amused as I ordered the correct
deck. Instead, I sulked as I watched the Klingon regain her feet from
where she had fallen. The smell of whiskey hung thick about her and
was strong enough to make my eyes water. Here was another person that
I had always imagined differently. She was strong where I was weak.
She went after what she wanted and lived life to the fullest whenever
she had the opportunity. Now, she was just a person to me. Another
hero had fallen before my eyes. I idly wondered if any of the people
I secretly worshipped would survive this experience intact. Before, I
would have sneered at myself for doubting them. Now, I'm not sure.
Hell, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I snorted in anger and
frustration, causing B'Elanna to give me a funny look. The expression
on her face was a new one to me. She looked like she knew who she was
looking at, but she didn't really recognize who that person was.
Well, I could sympathize with that. . .  I didn't know who the hell I
was  anymore either.

The lift finally stopped, and I roughly grabbed onto the Klingon's
arm once again. She didn't protest this time, but she did continue to
stare thoughtfully at me. On the way to her door, she opened her
mouth several times to say something, but changed her mind before she
uttered a sound. I didn't say anything to her about it. Hell, what
was I going to say? What could I say? My life had just been turned
upside down and there was nothing I could do about it. I wonder what
I'm going to be like once I get all this settled in my mind. I'm not
sure that I'm going to like the new person that emerges.

We arrived at her quarters where she keyed in her code silently. When
the door hissed open, I escorted her inside where we found Tom
sitting on the couch. He was simply staring at the wall in front of
him, not even noticing that we had entered.

"Tom?" B'Elanna's voice was hesitant. I watched as he slowly rotated
his head to face her. His dull eyes met hers but his face was
expressionless. He didn't reply, he just sat there and stared at her.
I could see that it unnerved the brunette tremendously and idly
wondered if I should leave. I don't know what kept me there, but the
little play being enacted out in front of me kept my attention
riveted. I could almost feel as if something significant was about to
happen.

"I.. I have something to tell you," she whispered, straightening up
to her full height to mask the effects of the alcohol in her  system.
"It's. . .  important."

He nodded and looked at me for a second before turning his attention
back to his girlfriend.

"Can we go into the bedroom?" she asked quietly, as if she didn't
want to take anything for granted. He nodded again and stood up.
Still without saying a word, he followed her into the other room.

I almost felt cheated in a way. Not only had B'Elanna fallen in my
estimation, but also my mind was busy working on Tom. I once wanted
to be like him, but now I'm not so sure anymore. Yeah, nothing ever
seemed to faze him as much as the people around him, but I have to
wonder at the cost. He's popular, but now I want to know the price he
had to pay for that. What did he have to give up to attain his
present life? I know that there's a cost to things now.

The Captain had to give up her humanity. Every emotion has to be
hidden from her crew to maintain the illusion of strength. When
confronted with an emotional situation that she can't control, it
destroys her. It tears down her emotional walls, ravages her mind,
and leaves nothing but the hollow shell that used to be human behind.
To her, appearance is everything. She has to appear to be in control
at all times, or risk loosing everything. It's a price that I
couldn't pay.

B'Elanna had to give up a piece of herself to obtain what she has. In
order to gain the popular boyfriend, the close circle of friends that
she has, and her position as the chief of engineering, she had to
give up her Klingon half. Sure, she still curses in Klingon and
spouts nonsense about honor and duty, but it's her human side that
rules her life. She may say that honor is important to her, but I
have to wonder exactly how true that is. Is it honorable to ostracize
a woman because she's different? The Klingon has been intentionally
cruel to Seven since the beginning. I've also noticed that B'Elanna
really doesn't have any friends in engineering. Yeah, her crew
respects her, but do they like her? Do they want to be friends with
her? That, I'm pretty sure, is a resounding no.

What did Tom have to give up? I'm not sure anymore about anything,
but I know he sacrificed something to maintain his popularity. When
did I become so cynical? I don't think that I like my new self very
much. It seems as if my heros are falling one-by-one and there's
nothing I can do about it. It was comfortable to be able to see
everyone as more than they were. It was comforting to believe that no
matter what happens, they can take care of it. Now everything is
different. I see them in a light that I would have preferred to
remain dim. Life is more complicated than it was only two hours ago.

Then I heard Tom's angry voice over-riding the sound proofing in the
bedroom. "You have to tell her!" He shouted angrily. What they were
fighting about? His voice dimmed just enough that I couldn't make out
the words, but I could still hear the murmurs they shot back and
forth. The higher pitched one that was B'Elanna and the much lower
one that was Tom's. Then the door to the bedroom hissed open and Tom
came stalking out. His face was absolutely red with rage and his body
was taught enough to be mistaken for rigor mortis. On his heels
trotted the Klingon, her expression one of sorrow and regret.
Interesting.

Tom spun around and shoved a finger in the woman's face before
yelling. "Tell her now!"

"I can't!" She shrieked in reply, her voice hitting new heights in
her anguish. "I gave her my word!"

I saw Tom close his eyes for a second and visibly struggle to regain
control over his shaking body. When they opened again, his face was
as blank as Seven's ever was. "You will report to the Captain and
tell her everything." He ordered in a frozen voice.

"No, Tom. I gave my word." She replied, closing her own eyes in
preparation for whatever was coming. Tom snarled and faced away from
her, his hands clenched at his side and his teeth grinding together
in his anger. I watched the different expressions flit across his
face, each only lasting for a split second as he debated internally
over whatever the problem was. It went on for several seconds before
one last expression slid onto his features and locked into place:
resolution. He bowed his head for a moment; having reached whatever
decision he had arrived at. Then he spun around as quickly as he
could, his right fist extended to deliver a vicious backhand blow to
the right side of B'Elanna's face. She couldn't even express her
surprise before she went crashing to the deck with a loud thud. I
don't know who was more shocked, B'Elanna or me. I had never seen Tom
hit someone before. The sad thing was not that I was worried about
how the Klingon was doing but that one thought kept spinning and
turning within my head: another hero had fallen. Another person who
was simply human.

Tom drew himself up with his shoulders squared, staring down angrily
at the Klingon lying at his feet. She was holding her bruised cheek
and staring at him in disbelief, not making an effort to regain her
own footing. Her shocked and dismayed expression was met by one of
icy calm. Then he made a sound suspiciously like a growl and begin
talking in Klingon. I didn't even know that he knew any. "N'Gos
tlhogh cha!" He snarled. I don't know what it meant, but the
expression dazed the little Klingon more than the blow she had taken.
Then Tom shocked me even more. Without preamble, without hesitation,
he drew his head back ever so slightly and lunged forward several
inches and spat on her. He turned his head to look at me with his
cold expression for a second before he turned on his heel and left
without a word.

"What the hell was that about?" I demanded, turning my attention back
to the woman lying on the deck. She looked up at me and I could see
that she was trying not to cry. She looked pitiful, not making a move
to wipe the spittle from her face. She simply collapsed on to her
back and stared at the ceiling. She wrapped her arms around her chest
as if to ward off a chill and refused to answer my question. I didn't
know what to do, so I just stood there, staring at her.

I'm not sure how long we remained there, but it felt like an
eternity. She groaned slightly as she struggled to rise. I made an
effort to step towards her to offer my help, but she waved me aside.
I picked up a napkin to wipe her face, but she shook her head. "Leave
it." She told me in an odd tone of voice. "I deserved it."

"No one deserves to be hit and spit on." I argued calmly.

"Yes, they do." She replied with a firm voice. "Tom was right. I'm a
Klingon and it's time I started acting like one." She ran her hands
across her uniform to smooth out any wrinkles that might have been
there. Then she turned her attention to me and stared into my  eyes.
"I don't know how it happened, but you've grown up. I think it's time
for me to do the same. I need to see the Captain." She told me in her
new, firm voice. Then she left me in her quarters, deep in thought.

Is that what happened to me? Was she right? Did I finally grow up?
It's funny, I suppose. I thought of myself as an adult, but looking
back on my history, I can see many of my actions and beliefs were
childish in nature. Oh, I was a serious person, don't get me wrong. I
loved my duties and responsibilities, but I think that I viewed them
as rewards rather than a job. As if by having others give me adult
responsibilities, I was able to be seen as an adult.

I don't feel that way now. Yes, I think she's right. I'm grown up
now. The innocence of youth is gone, never to return.

It's time to get to work.

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The End