The BLTS Archive - Lonely Hearts:
Desolated Witness
by Lone Templar (eric_prenovost@hotmail.com)

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Disclaimer: I don't own them. Paramount holds all rights, titles, etc.
to the Star Trek: Voyager concept and characters.

Thomas Eugene Paris' POV concerning recent events.

Distribution: Ask and you shall receive. Just let me know about it,
ok?

Author's Note: This is just a short little piece that is meant to set
the stage for the next part once I finish with some of my research.

Authors Note 2: As per a suggestion from one of the fans, I've grouped
this loose collection of vignette's into a series entitled: The Lonely
Hearts Series. From now on, each section will be a different chapter
of the whole. Not bad considering that this was meant to be a short
little one-shot piece at the beginning, eh? <EG>

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Seven was dead. I know that I hardly knew her, but I still felt
something for her. If I hadn't of been infatuated with B'Elanna, we
could have probably had something together, the two of us. I do know
that she is easily one of the most beautiful women that I've ever seen
in my life. Maybe that's why nothing ever happened. Whenever I try to
shoot for the sky, something always goes wrong. Call it karma, fate,
or just plain old dumb luck, but my life just doesn't go as planned.

I sat there at the helm listening to the quiet buzz of conversation
happening around me. Normally, I would have participated and maybe
cracked a joke or two to help lighten the grim mood. Today, I just sat
there. I was feeling numb. How could such a vibrant young woman be
gone from our lives? I wish that I would have spent more time with
her, but dealing with a jealous Klingon isn't the smartest thing in
the universe to experience. I might be a lot of things, but my brain
does work. . .  whenever I actually choose to listen to the more
logical  arguments. The sad fact is that I'm more ruled by emotion
than  B'Elanna.

Anyway, I needed to see B'Elanna after my shift, so I went to her
quarters. There wasn't an answer from the door chime, so I let myself
in and made myself comfortable with a beer on her couch. Then I
brooded. I know, it's not the image most people have of me. To most
people, I'm an overgrown child, more interested in playing than
anything serious. It's a bad habit I picked up when my life first
started falling down the drain.

To my father, I was first an inconvenience, then an embarrassment, and
then a figure of scorn as my life progressed. I don't know why he
decided to have me in the first place. He was too busy with Starfleet
matters to ever spare any real time for my mother or me. Of course, my
mother was just as bad with her being an Admiral's wife. The social
parties she held or attended to enhance her husband's career ate up a
large portion of her time. What little time she had left, she had to
split between her husband, sleep, and me. Guess who got the short end
of the stick? At least I had a nanny until I turned ten. Then I was
deemed responsible enough to live alone. Nothing I ever did could
please my father, so I quit trying. He did force me to join Starfleet,
but he came to regret that action. That's what had me wind up in jail
in the first place. When I. . .  well, I guess that I don't need to go
over that little bit of history. I'm supposed to be thinking about
Seven.

I don't think that it's set in with the crew in general yet, but I
have to wonder: if Seven is never going to return, how are we possibly
going to get home now? That blonde has saved the ship by herself more
times than anyone else. Some of those situations that she saved us
from were ones in which she was the only possible person to pull it
off. Now she's gone. We're going to die out here, so far from home. I
think that I must still be in shock because the words mean little to
me right now. I'm not moved one way or the other. I wonder how far
we'll go before the one of these alien races manage to kill us all.
Well, kill us if we're lucky. I might as well be honest here. Many of
the races that are overly aggressive towards us have more in mind that
simply destroying our ship. I still find it hard to believe that there
are so many uncivilized species out here that practice slavery and
other barbarous habits. I think I feel a little sick to my stomach
thinking about the possibilities that await us. I can only hope that
the Captain has the courage to activate the self- destruct when the
time comes, or that I have to courage to plot a course that assures
our destruction. I think that I could do it. At least, I hope that I
can do it. A short hop at high warp into a star or even a planet would
definitely do the job.

Am I a fatalist? I don't know where these morbid thoughts are coming
from, but I'm enough of a realist to recognize the truth. We're going
to either die or have to settle down somewhere and hope for the best.
If we settle down, it won't be long before we wind up as prey to some
of the other aggressive species out here in the Delta Quadrant. I'm
not sure which would be more preferable. After all, we might be able
to fifty years or so before we're discovered if we pick a planet
wisely. By that time, I might already be dead. After all, who knows
the natural dangers that are present when a small group attempts to
colonize a planet without backup of any kind. It's not something that
any of us have ever done before.

I wonder how peaceful and painless it was for Seven? She died quick
according to the whispers on the bridge. One second she was alive and
the next she's gone. At least she's at peace now. We're not able to
hurt her anymore. Yes, I now that we've hurt her in the past. It's so
easy to see if you've ever looked into her eyes. The pain and
destroyed hope are always present if one just looks, if only for a
second. I wanted to befriend her, but it was impossible in my
situation. B'Elanna would never understand why I would choose to hang
out with her enemy. So, I remained quiet. Oh, I did little things for
her, but nothing that could come back to haunt my relationship with my
Klingon.

I talked Harry into being her friend, but that didn't really help. He
was much too shy to do anything but bumble around and not really
accomplish much. I know that Harry had hopes of being the one to show
Seven the ropes about being human. I think that it's just a case of
him wanting to be someone's hero. I know that what he's looking for in
a woman is a pipedream. Women just don't worship men, no matter how
much we would wish for it to happen. Now, I'm not talking about him
being treated like a god or anything like that. Harry just wants to be
the most important thing in the woman's universe. I suppose that it's
perfectly normal, because I once wanted the same thing. I know that
I'm important to B'Elanna, but I also know that the ship is even more
so. I think that this realization would have bothered me at one time,
but I hold the exact same belief. As long as I'm the best pilot
onboard this ship, it will remain the most important thing in my life.

My relationship with B'Elanna is passionate enough, I suppose. She's
aggressive enough for the both of us and not shy at all about going
after what she wants. If she's feeling in the mood, heaven help me if
I'm not. I do love her, but I'm not sure if our love will survive
what's coming up between us. Yes, I think the time has come for a
small confrontation between us. I sat back and watched Seven slowly
disintegrate over the past year because of my commitment to B'Elanna.
I think that just a word or two from me would have made all the
difference in the world to the young woman. Who knows? Maybe being a
true friend to her would have lifted the devastation from her icy-
blue eyes for just a moment. Now that the opportunity is gone, I think
that it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life, however short or
long that actually is.

 I have to wonder how happy she could have been if she had been
surrounded by people who actually gave a crap about how she was doing.
What would have happened if she could have finished her shift and met
up with some of us in the mess hall on a daily basis? What if just one
or two people asked her about her day on a regular basis? What if just
one person acted as if they were happy to see her? What might have
been if I had only smiled at her and encouraged her when she made one
of her frequent social gaffs?

Instead, I laughed at her. Oh, God, I laughed at her so often. Even
when I could see the humiliation burning in her eyes even as she
schooled her face to display nothing. I can still see the way her body
trembled ever so slightly as she made her excuses and left. I can
still see the way her eyes would dart around from face to face
desperately searching for something and not finding it. And what did I
do? I laughed at her like the rest of them.

I think that I would do just about anything to make up for what I've
done. To me, this was more important than how disappointed daddy was
in me. Hell, it was more important than what the Captain thought of
me. The Captain. Oh, hell. If I'm this worked up then she'd be
desolated. I'm not sure what her feelings were for the young blonde,
but they were very real and very present. The look of pride in her
eyes whenever Seven made a logical point in those boring meetings
simply proved my point. I don't think that they'd ever be lovers, but
there was love between them. Of course, I doubt that Seven knew that.
For someone so brilliant, she was so naïve when it came to other
people's emotions. Shoot, her emotional progression over the last year
proved that point.

When Seven was first severed from the collective, she was arrogant
because she had a very Vulcan view on life. If it didn't serve a
purpose, get rid of it. If it wasn't working perfectly, fix it. It was
logical, I suppose, when you take into consideration that she had
spent eighteen years not experiencing any emotions at all. Then, over
time, the arrogance was used to cover up the wounds that our slings
and arrows caused in her. I remember one time; she arrived in the mess
hall with a look of absolute determination spread across her delicate
features. There was a party in progress and she strode over to the
first group of people in an attempt to join in. The hope that danced
in her eyes warred with the determination on her face. One could
almost imagine the pep talk that she had received to cause her to do
this. I suppose that either the doctor or the Captain was the one to
give it to her. I wanted to warn her so badly, but I didn't.

Instead, I watched with an almost fatalistic feeling of dread in my
heart. She attempted to join group after group in conversation, only
to say or do something that caused the others to laugh. She flinched
when it happened in the first two attempts, but seemed to come to
expect it with her later ones. The last group that she attempted to
join, her body hunched slightly in defeat. They didn't laugh at her in
that group, but that's only because she didn't speak. She stood on the
outskirts of the group, her face a perfect blank to the casual
observer, her arms clasped together behind her back, and such a look
of longing marring her beautiful features as her eyes flitted from
person to person as they talked. You could almost see her mind wishing
with all its might and power that someone would talk to her like they
talked to each other. She watched her quietly for at least five
minutes before bowing her head and slowly walking out.

Not one damn person besides me even noticed her leaving. She wasn't
trying to hide her emotions as she trudged to the door. Even the most
blind and stupid amongst us could see the way she hurt as she forced
one foot in front of the other. Not one person cared enough to even
glance at her sad and broken body. She stopped at the door as she
swept her eyes around the room one last time. I wasn't looking
directly at her, but it was close enough for me to see the light
reflecting off of a shiny trail of tears down her right cheek. Then
she turned and left. I was the only one to see and I did nothing.

I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all, but I remained silent.
God, more than anything in the universe, I wanted to be a Klingon at
that point in time. It would have been so satisfying to charge in and
smash those idiots to pulp for the way they were treating her.
Instead, I swallowed my pride and turned my back so that I wouldn't
have to see her anymore. I had my Klingon wrapped around my waist
possessively and she would never understand why I wanted to do it. I
spent so many years as an outsider that I should have known what Seven
was going through, but I was more comfortable acting like the others,
trying to ignore it. I was popular amongst the crew and didn't want to
endanger my position for anything or anyone.

God, I hate myself. No, I despise myself! What could it have possible
have hurt if I had invited her to talk with me at that stupid party?
She wanted to be a part of a group, any group, so badly and she was
snubbed. Why didn't I have the courage to do something? Would it
really have been so bad if I had? And the worst thing of all is that I
can't find a reason for it! Why does everyone hate her so much? I've
reviewed her actions as much as I could and can find absolutely no
reason for her to be ostracized the way she was. People go out of
their way to treat her badly, like she's a third class citizen. Why?
It makes no sense! Will someone please tell me why? I'm begging you,
God! Oh, Jesus help me.

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The End