The BLTS Archive - Nightmares
#5: Seeking Answers
by Leone (tarrashenna@yahoo.com)

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Disclaimer: Paramount's, not mine. No infringement intended. No money
being made.

Warning: Some Tom-angst in this. A bit worse than in previous parts.

Thank you to my beta readers, and to my twin, Kym, for helping me with
the title to this part.

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Tom stood in the moonlit room, staring down at the dying man on the
floor. For years he hadn't been able to see or remember the other
man's identity. But now he could see who it was, and Tom felt numbed
with shock. It was...

Tom shuddered violently, then blinked and refocused. He looked at
Chakotay, who was watching him intently, noticing the other man's
worried expression. "What?" he asked.

Chakotay frowned slightly, having noticed Tom's shudder and the
shocked look on his face. "I don't like these flashbacks you keep
having," he said. He ran a hand through his hair before he continued.
"I really think that we ought to return to Voyager."

Tom shook his head. "That's not necessary. It doesn't matter if I'm
here or on Voyager. I suspect that I'll have these flashbacks no
matter what."

Chakotay wasn't convinced, but if Tom didn't want to go back to the
ship before they had finished their task, then they wouldn't. He
nodded his ac- ceptance of Tom's decision to stay. "All right. We'll
do as you wish... For now." He paused for a moment, then asked. "Now,
do you still not re- member what these flashbacks show you, Tom?"

Tom shuddered again as he remembered the last scene. He hesitated for
a moment, considering lying. But he knew that he wouldn't. "I don't
re- member the other flashbacks I had today," he started slowly. He
took a deep breath and dropped his eyes to the ground. "But I remember
this one." Tom slowly lifted his eyes to look at Chakotay again. "I
wish I didn't," he finished quietly.

Chakotay blinked in surprise. "Why?" he asked.

Tom bit his lip. "Because I saw who the dying man was."

"Oh," Chakotay said. He studied Tom in silence for a moment. "Who was
he?"

Tom looked away again. As much as he didn't want to answer, he knew he
had to. If he didn't, Chakotay wouldn't be able to help him with the
nightmare. But Tom wasn't sure that he wanted help anymore. After a
long moment of silence, Tom glanced quickly at Chakotay, then looked
away again. "It was me," he finally whispered, and heard the other man
inhale sharply.

Chakotay was speechless. He hadn't been expecting this. He didn't know
what he'd been expecting, but it wasn't this. Chakotay looked at Tom
and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He cleared his
throat and tried again. "Tom," he said. The other man didn't look at
him. "Tom, look at me," Chakotay said gently.

It took a while, but finally Tom lifted his eyes and looked at
Chakotay. "Do you mean to tell me that all these years, you've been
dreaming that you killed yourself?" Chakotay asked quietly.

"Yes," Tom answered in an almost inaudible voice.

Chakotay frowned in thought. That sounded wrong somehow. Then he
looked at Tom again. "I think you should try and speak with your
spirit guide again," he told the younger man. "Maybe she can help you
*now*, because frankly, I have *no* idea what this could mean."

Tom thought about it for a moment, then he nodded his agreement. "All
right," he said. Then he bit his lower lip, hesitating.

"What?" Chakotay asked.

"Will you help me?" Tom asked, then, at Chakotay's questioning glance,
the young man added, "Like you did yesterday."

Understanding dawned in Chakotay's eyes. "Of course I will," he said
with a gentle smile.

Tom sighed in relief and returned Chakotay's smile. "Thank you. I'm
not sure I can do this on my own. Not yet anyway," Tom added.

"Go into a trance, you mean?" Chakotay asked. When Tom nodded,
Chakotay smiled again. "Don't worry about it. I'll teach you how to do
it without assistance. And until you can do it yourself, I'll help
you," he promised.

Tom nodded and smiled in gratitude. "Okay. So, when do we start?" he
asked eagerly.

Chakotay smiled with gentle amusement. "Whenever you're ready, Tom,"
he answered.

"I'm ready now," Tom started to say. Then he looked around and added
with a wry smile, "But maybe we should put everything away first."

Chakotay glanced at their immediate surroundings and laughed when he
saw the utensils and leftovers from their dinner. In his worry for
Tom, he'd forgotten all about it. "I guess we better," he said and
rose. Holding a hand out to Tom, Chakotay pulled the younger man to
his feet and the two men quickly cleared everything away.

When they were finished, Tom got a blanket from the shuttle and spread
it on the ground a short distance from the fire. Then he sat down in
the same manner that he had sat the day before, and waited for
Chakotay to join him.

A moment later, Chakotay emerged from the shuttle and walked over to
where Tom sat on the blanket. Smiling, he sat down on the blanket,
across from the younger man. Chakotay shifted until he was
comfortable, then looked at the patiently waiting Tom and nodded. "If
you're ready, then let's begin," he said.

Tom relaxed as much as he could, then nodded to indicate that he was
ready to start.  He closed his eyes and let Chakotay's voice flow over
him, guiding him into the trance. Pretty soon Tom was back in the
garden where he'd first met his spirit guide. He looked around and
spotted her in the tree where she'd sat the day before. As he walked
toward the tree, Tom heard the falcon's 'voice' greet him.

[Welcome child,] she said.  [You have remembered your dream.]

It wasn't a question, but Tom answered anyway. [Yes, I have. And now I
keep getting flashbacks,] he added as he sat down under the tree.

The falcon flew down to sit on Tom's shoulder before speaking again.
[And now you need my help,] she concluded.

[Yes. I don't understand the last flashback I had,] Tom explained.

The falcon turned her head and studied her charge for a moment. [If
you think you are ready, I will show you how it is possible,] she told
him.

Tom nodded. [I think that it's better to know. I can't continue like
this. I've only had these kinds of flashbacks today, but it drove me
*crazy*,] he said.

The falcon studied him for a moment longer. [Very well. Come with me,
child.] With that she took off.

Tom scrambled to his feet and quickly followed his guide, who was
flying towards the forest. Then he followed her into it, wondering
where they were going. Just after the thought occurred to him, she
stopped. They had arrived in a clearing with a small cabin.

As soon as Tom saw the cabin, he tensed, somehow knowing that the an-
swer he was seeking was inside. Suddenly he wasn't so sure he wanted
to know. He looked at his guide, who was sitting in a tree.

[If you want to know the answer to your dream, child, you must go
inside. But remember, this time you are only an observer. You cannot
interfere in any way,] the falcon told him.

Tom nodded his understanding, then took a deep breath. Gathering his
courage, Tom moved toward the cabin, only to be stopped by the
falcon's voice.

[When you have entered, you cannot leave until it is finished,] she
warned him.

Tom hesitated only for a moment before he walked the rest of the way
to the small cabin. When he reached the door, he hesitated again and
turned to look at his spirit guide. Then he turned back and, with
great reluctance, opened the door and went inside. The door closed
behind him, and the forest was quiet.

---

Chakotay sat cross-legged on the blanket and watched Tom's face as the
pilot went into trance. Chakotay could tell when Tom met his spirit
guide by the expression on his face. There was the same look of awe
there as yesterday. Then he saw Tom's face undergo a multitude of
changes, puzzlement, irritation, hopelessness and even a hint of
fear.

Then, for a while there was only concentration, as if the young man
lis- tened to his guide. Or more likely, followed her somewhere. Then
there was the expression Tom got when he wondered about something.
That, however, quickly turned into apprehension, then uncertainty
before Tom's face got a determined look. Then there was nothing for a
long time.

After what seemed an eternity to Chakotay, Tom's face suddenly paled
and showed shock. But the shock was quickly replaced by fear, then
sheer terror and Chakotay's heart decided to visit his throat.

When Tom started to scream, Chakotay's heart skipped a beat, and he
knew that he had to get Tom out of the trance *now*. He leaned forward
and shook Tom lightly. When the pilot didn't react, Chakotay shook him
harder, to no avail.

Chakotay tried everything he could think of to wake Tom, but nothing
worked. The younger man just continued to scream. Finally the
screaming stopped, and Tom got *very* quiet. So quiet, in fact, that
Chakotay started to fear that something had happened to him in the
spirit world. Fighting down his panic, Chakotay decided to go in after
Tom.

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The End