The BLTS Archive - If I Should Fall Behind
#2: But I Never Told Him
by Lattelady (pchristie6@comcast.net)

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Star Trek belongs to the Paramount and Viacom.

Timeframe:  48 years after Enterprise returns to earth.

Story 1 in the series IF I SHOULD FALL BEHIND from the song written by
Bruce Springsteen and sung by Faith Hill, the words are at the end of
the story. The stories are NOT in chronological order.  But are
moments between Jon and T'Pol that create a lifetime together.  The
lyrics to the song are found at the end, if you're interested in
reading them.

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T'Pol sat and watched the sunset and the stars come out as she had
done everyday of her life for the last 40 plus years.  But the last
two weeks it had been different, because now she was watching them
alone.  Two weeks ago her husband and bond mate had died.  Getting up
from her seat on the porch of their home at Stinson Beach, just north
of San Francisco, she went to the kitchen to brew her nightly cup of
mint tea.

As she worked she forgot for a moment that she was alone on a cold
foreign planet, and as she had done for years, she pulled down two
cups and filled them with the fragrant tealeaves.  It wasn't until she
was pouring boiling water into the second cup that it hit her; there
was no one to drink it but her.

"Oh, Jonathan," she murmured as she set down her kettle.  They had
known from the beginning that this was the inevitable out-come of
their union; what she hadn't expected was that it would be so
difficult.

There was a time in the beginning when he would have left her to spare
her this, but that was before he understood that Vulcans bonded for
life. When their minds and bodies joined for the first time, the
damage had been done.  She often told him that she would rather have
the short span of a human lifetime with him, than the years and years
allotted to a cold logical Vulcan bonding.

Taking her tea back outside she thought back to those early days. 
They had been adversaries that gained a grudging respect for each
other.  From there it moved to an uneasy alliance, which became
friendship.  When it had all changed, she wasn't sure.  The attraction
between them had been recognized early on, but both tried to ignore
it.  The politics of the situation making it too much of a
complication on his part, and for her, the thought of mating outside
of her species was unheard of.

"Oh my love," she whispered as she looked at the stars he loved, only
second to her.  "Was it all worth it?  It cost you so much."  She felt
heaviness deep in her chest, which she recognized as strong emotion. 
She had been fighting it since the night he died in her arms.

They had let the freedom they experienced being so far away from Star
Fleet and the Vulcan High Command delude them into thinking that their
future was their own.  She supposed she had lived on Earth too long,
because looking back she realized that the damage had been done the
moment she stepped into his office and handed him her orders
transferring her to his command.

"T'Pol," she had forgotten that ever since Jon's death, Trip and Hoshi
Tucker had made it a habit of stopping by to check on her at night.

"On the porch," she called out as she took a deep breath and schooled
her face to show no emotion.  She had never been able to fool Jon,
after their second year on Enterprise, and Hoshi would pick up her
body language if she wasn't careful, but Trip was a different story.

"You're goin'ta freeze out here if you don't bundle up warmer than
that."  Trip was careful to take the rocker opposite her and avoid the
space on the porch swing that he knew had always been Jonathan's.  For
as long as he could remember he had watched the couple sit together,
the Captain with his arm draped around his wife.

"I am perfectly all right, Commander."  T'Pol still called him by his
original title, though she knew he was an Admiral, in charge of
engineering at Star Fleet.  "Was there something you needed?"  Her
brow rose into her silver dusted dark bangs.

"Yeah," he took a breath and gathered his courage.  He had
deliberately left Hoshi at home because he knew she thought T'Pol
needed more time to grieve, but from where he was standing, she wasn't
letting herself do much of that.  "I came to talk about Jonathan."

Rising and putting her cup down, she stood straight in her old
familiar pose with her hands folded neatly behind her back, and strode
to the rail over-looking the sea.  "That is not a subject I wish to
discuss."

"I'm not dyin' to do it either, but I promised Jonathan."

"Trip, please no."  Her voice sounded small and in pain, he doubted
anyone but her husband had ever heard her use that tone.  "I know you
never approved of our marriage.  It cost him so much."

"Now girl, you listen to me, Jonathan Archer was my best friend.  I
loved him like a brother, and you made him happy.  That was all that
was important to me."  He wished she would turn around and look at
him; he wanted to know if he was saying the right thing.  "And what
about the cost to you?  You lost your home, your family, and all the
people you knew before, as well as a career."

He wasn't sure she was listening, but he had to try.  When Jon had
realized that he was dying he had made Trip and Hoshi promise that
they would make sure T'Pol would be all right.  It was something they
would have done even without the promise.  They both liked and
respected the Vulcan woman.

"The cost to me was insignificant, because I had him."  Her voice was
soft and breathy, but it carried all the pain she was feeling, but
hide so well.  "Why would I ever want to return to Vulcan, my presence
on Enterprise had put my loyalties into question, and I've lived here
so long now, I would be out of place there, even if they wanted me
back."

She finally tuned around while picking up her cup, and slowly sipped
her tea.  "By joining with me, it cost Jonathan his career.  They made
him an Admiral, but it was a title that held nothing of importance due
to his Vulcan wife.  I wasn't to be trusted, and it cast a shadow on
him.

"And children, I know he would have liked children.  Vulcans and
Humans aren't compatible in that way.  The Archer line died when he
did."  Jon had always told her it didn't matter, that all he wanted
was her, but she still felt the guilt, another one of those
earth-learned emotions that had been nagging at her lately.

"Honey, it looks to me like you both paid the same price."  Trip could
see there was something still bothering her, and wasn't sure what to
do about it.  "Now all you gotta do is decide if it was all worth it."

"But don't you understand, I knew the price that would be paid, and he
didn't.  That night so long ago on Enterprise, when we finally, when
the bond was formed, I knew, but I never told him."  She closed her
eyes and again felt the torrent of emotion that had swept through them
the first time they made love and every time after that.  "I knew
there would be no going back for either of us, but I let it happen
anyway."

Trip was struck speechless.  He had always known that Jon loved T'Pol
with an intensity that let him give up everything he had ever wanted,
to be with her.  What he had never realized was that the love was
returned by the slight Vulcan woman, in equal measure.  It made him
long for his warm bed and his wife that he knew was waiting for him. 
He knew that sometime in the years to come either Hoshi or he would
have to face the future alone, but it would only be for a short time
in comparison to a Vulcan lifespan. He couldn't imagine what it must
be like for the brave woman who had loved his friend so much.  She was
exiled to a cold alien world and would live decades with only
memories.

"He knew, years ago, he told me so.  He understood that Vulcans didn't
take bondin's lightly, cause it was a lifetime commitment.  He loved
you enough to put his desires aside in an attempt to protect you from
what your people would think, but more importantly, from what you're
goin' through now." He was embarrassed to let her know that her
husband had talked about the prospect of an intimate life with her,
but it was more important that she realize that Jonathan would have
done anything to keep her safe, even give her up. "I guess he just
needed someone to talk to who he could trust.  He loved you a lot,
even back then."

"How could he have known? That information isn't in any data base that
I know of."  T'Pol looked doubtful, but there wouldn't be any reason
for Trip to lie to her.

"I gather you and Jon had been having regular meditation sessions." 
He shrugged having a hard time meeting her eyes.  "It's in one data
base I can think of."  He nodded toward her head.

"In those early days he didn't have the capacity to go deep enough to
see anything of that magnitude, I must have wanted him to see it." 
She wondered why she would have done such a thing.  Her only answer
was an unconscious effort to put them on an equal footing.

"You want to come and spend the night with Hoshi and me?"  She still
looked upset and that in itself threw him for a loop, but she seemed
to be doing a bit better.

"No. Thank you for offering.  I'll be all right.  I've still got some
things to think about.  Thank you, Trip, Hoshi is a lucky woman."  She
led him around the side of the house and watched him leave.

After making a fresh cup of tea she returned to the porch and the
stars.  Leaning against the rail she looked up and could see the
lights from the newly constructed McKinley Station, but she looked
further out than that.  Out into the deep unknown of space that had
been first traveled by a star ship named Enterprise.

She let all the memories flow back, of the work, the pain, the anger
and the explosive passion.  Yes it had all been worth it.  "Jonathan,"
she whispered to the vast depths that had been their first playground. 
"I love you so much and I wouldn't have traded a moment of it for all
the cool logic in the universe."  For the first time in all her long
years she felt tears slip down her cheeks.

In that moment the voice of the sea below her echoed with a deep
whisper she knew so well. "I'm always with you, my love."   It made
her feel warm and safe like she did when his arms had been around her.

Was it possible?  She had been holding him when he died.  If he had
been Vulcan, there would have been no doubt.  Was a Katra part of the
human metaphysical make-up?  They often talked of a soul, but she
doubted it was the same.  Then she knew.  A part of Jonathan would
always be with her, until the time they would be together for all
eternity.

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The End

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If I Should Fall Behind Written by Bruce Springsteen Sung by Faith
Hill

We said we'd walk together Baby come what may. That come the twilight
should we lose our way. If as we were walking a hand should slip free,
I'll wait for you. Should I fall behind Wait for me.

We swore we'd travel together Darlin', side by side We'd help each
other stay in stride Each lover's steps fall so differently So I'll
wait for you Should I fall behind Wait for me

Everyone dreams of a love lasting and true But you and I know what
this world can do So let's make our steps clear That the other may see
And I'll wait for you Should I fall behind Wait for me

There's a beautiful river In the valley ahead There ‘neath the oak's
bough Soon we will wed Should we lose each other In the shadow of the
evening trees I'll wait for you Should I fall behind Wait for me
Darlin' I'll wait for you Should I fall behind Wait for me Wait for me

If I should fall behind Wait for me.