The BLTS Archive - The Bond
by Ladyhawk (lhflu@yahoo.com)

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Story 1 of 4.

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I can count the number of times we had sex on one hand.

I know you're shocked. Looking back, so am I. Me, James T.
'Tomcat' Kirk entered into a marriage and had sex with my
spouse four, count them, FOUR times. It's so astonishing, so
against my character, that those who have written my history
would fall over if they knew. Well, as I said many years
ago, double dumb-ass on them. They don't need to know this.
Our times are memories meant for us alone. I'll share them
with you now only because I need to remember, not because
you need to know, ok?

The first time was the stuff of cliches, at least on the
surface.

Yes, the only reason Spock survived the Kal-i-fee was
because I was there. I honestly believe he would have killed
himself if Bones hadn't pulled a fast one to keep me alive.
That neural paralyzer 'saved the universe', as the
historians would say. I know it saved my personal universe.
What would I have been without my shadow? A pompous ass with
delusions of grandeur, that's what. Instead, I honestly made
a difference.

But I digress...

As that paralyzer took hold, I felt it. Again, the old
speculations about us are right. We did bond that day. As I
lay in the red sands of my friend's homeworld , I felt his
mind fit itself to mine. I swear, the 'snap' as the two
pieces fit was almost audible. But he didn't hear it, didn't
feel it. The lingering effects of the plak tow hid it from
him. I know  that for a fact even though I was losing
consciousness as it happened. In fact, the last thing I
remember of being on Vulcan was the 'snap' of the bond and
his mental scream through it.

He thought I was dead. He thought there was nothing more for
me, or for him. But he recovered from his pain beautifully
when he heard my voice behind him after spouting off to
Bones. Yes, his smile when he saw me was as brilliant as
Sol, as mind-blowing as the Crab Nebula or any of the other
wonderful space oddities I've seen. At the time, I had
wished I had a holocam to record the moment. Not now. That
smile was for me and me alone. I even feel...jealous...that
Bones got a look at it. But I don't hold it against him. And
he never found out about what happened next. At least, not
verbally. I'm pretty sure the physical evidence spoke for
itself. I knew he knew when Spock died saving us. But that
story will come later...

Spock lied. No, not evaded, misdirected, omitted, or any of
the thousand terms he substituted for that word over the
years. Spock LIED. His urge to mate did not fade with our
battle. Yes, the plak tow temporarily receded. Killing your
captain will do that, I suppose. It's an emotional shock.
Vulcans work so hard to suppress their emotions that when
they encounter one they can't push into a little box, it
effects them physically. I'm not complaining about Spock's
reaction, though. The 'hold button' on his pon farr gave me
a chance to prepare.

I needed to get ready because my bondmate, in a very human
way, was fooling himself. I could feel through the bond that
Spock was convinced he could ride the rest of the mating
cycle alone. I knew better. Feelings like that don't just go
away. They keep building until they explode.

No, I didn't spread incense and candles all over my room.
No, I didn't stop off at some planet to get all my Vulcan's
favorite foods. That wouldn't have mattered anyway. He finds
candles to be a danger on a starship. The only ones he
allowed aboard the ship were those in vessels that have a
safety valve to extinguish the flame, like his meditation
candle. And as far as food...Spock will eat anything
vegetarian that isn't Italian. Seriously.

Yes, I know. Get to the point, Jim. Ok, I didn't plan a
seduction, not in the classical sense. I did something much
more basic. I reserved a gym room for us, for two days
straight. Then I went to Scotty and I lied straight to his
face. I told him Starfleet had commed me on a private
channel and they had requested that Spock and I participate
in a top-secret project. 'We don't need to leave the ship.'
I said to my chief engineer. 'We just need to be alone for a
few days to do some research.' I don't know if Scotty 
bought my line, but he never questioned me about it. He just
nodded and took the conn. My gut tells me he would have done
the same if we were in the middle of a battle with the
Klingons instead of a milk run from Altair VI to Vesuvius V.
He would have done it just because his captain asked him to.
I didn't deserve the crew I was blessed with, I know that
now.

Yes, yes, I'm getting there. Be patient. I'm an old man, I
need time to process my thoughts. I invited Spock to the gym
for some hand-to-hand combat once I made sure we both were
off duty long enough to take care of this. I could see him
hesitate as we stood in the hallway near our cabins. I could
feel his apprehension through the bond. He didn't want to
hurt me. He thought about how fragile I was compared to his
Vulcan strength.

I didn't give a damn about his fears. I was more worried
about Bones' voice in my head, the one that kept saying 'If
he doesn't mate, he will die.' So I dragged him to the gym.
No, not literally. All I had to do was start walking while I
talked about the change in the duty roster that was
scheduled for the next week. My first officer knew better
than to interrupt me during discussions of ship business. I
don't think he even realized where we were until I thumbed
the lock for the gym room door.

I kept the discussion going as I walked into the room, so of
course he followed. I talked as I locked the door, I talked
as I changed my clothes. I could see my bondmate lean
against the wall furthest from me in hopes of not giving
into the urges coursing through him. But I didn't stare and
I didn't say anything about it. I knew if I was going to
succeed in giving Spock what he needed, I had to get past
that infuriatingly logical mind of his. I was going to have
to catch him by surprise.

So I finished my discussion of the duty roster as I walked
closer to him. I made sure that I looked casual. I didn't
stalk him. I just moved as I normally would during a long
and involved discussion. But I made sure my body language
inched me closer to him. And then I grabbed him.

At first, I used an offensive move popular with the Orion
merchants. He countered that easily. Then, a Klingon move.
Again, my friend simply pushed me away. So I changed my
tactics and went with something as familiar as breathing. I
put him in a human chokehold. Finally, success. Considering
the way we were standing, the only way Spock could get free
was to drop me to the floor. That's exactly what I needed
and I took advantage of it quickly. As I went down, I pulled
him with me. And to make sure he went down with me, I kicked
a leg out from under him.

In seconds, Spock was lying on me and I could feel the
evidence of his 'recovery' from pon farr. Recovery, my ass.
I know a raging hard-on when I feel one.

The idiot still tried to pull away from me. He still tried
to gather his composure, even after panting right on my face
with that burning - hot breath of his. Of course I didn't
let him. Instead, I let the heated sensations from our bond
overtake me. I let the urge to mate consume me. And that
gentle, playful tomcat inside me turned into a fierce
cougar. I grabbed him with all my might and held him to me
until those pushes against me reversed and became clutches,
clawing. Signs of possession. We burned.

It wasn't gentle. It wasn't loving. Instead, it was raw,
possessive, painful and fierce. He clawed at my clothes. I
ripped at his. His hands left bruise marks where he held me.
I left small wounds wherever my mouth touched him. And when
we came together, when he slid that double ridged cock into
me, I screamed. In pain , yes. It hurt like a bitch. Spock
was too far gone to be gentle by then. But also in
possession. He was mine! I claimed him that day as much as
he claimed me. And the bond flared. It consumed us for three
days. All I can remember of those days now is heat, heat and
fullness. For those three days, he was all I needed. We
didn't eat. I drank water from the faucet in the connected
lavatory only when my body insisted. We rested when we
couldn't keep our eyes open. The rest of the time, we mated.

No, we didn't make love. We mated. Love was for others,
those who could afford to think as well as feel. This was a
drive that allowed no chance of thought. It was primitive,
instinctive, and yes, very very painful, mentally and
physically. We were both completely covered in bruises when
we finally left that room and composed ourselves well enough
to go back to duty. The bond was quiet because we needed
space away from each other. Mental contact now hurt because
we had spent three days using our minds as battering rams,
trying to destroy any barriers between us.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

---

After Spock's pon farr ended...well that's where the
gossippers have it all wrong. There were no clandestine
meetings in storage closets, no strip chess in our cabins.
In fact, nothing changed.

Nothing changed.

Spock went back to being my oh-so-competent first officer. I
went back to being the golden child of the Fleet.

At first, yes, I did try to catch his eye on the bridge. I
did try to gauge his emotions when we played chess. Yes, he
has emotions. All Vulcans do. They just don't trust
themselves to express them without destroying everyone. So
if you watch a Vulcan face carefully, you can see a goldmine
of feelings just below the surface, trying to get out.

Usually Spock is more expressive than most Vulcans. In
deference to his very human captain and mostly human crew, I
believe. But when I tried to bring up his pon farr, when I
tried to ask if our sexual relationship would continue, even
when I simply tried to ask if T'Pring would suffer any
consequences from what she did, the bastard stonewalled me.

His face turned into a sheet of ice with pointed ears. He
clammed up and wouldn't say a word until I changed the
subject. Yes, I did try to get to him through the bond. But
he had his side of it shielded so tightly I barely noticed
it existed sometimes. So trying to talk through it was like
trying to talk through a three foot thick brick wall.
Impossible.

I have to give him credit, though. Through all of it, Spock
never gave me any indication he was less than a friend to
me. In fact, right after his pon farr, he was the one that
kept our friendship going. When I would turn away from him
in confusion, not understanding his shielding against me
or feeling offended by his lack of response to my questions,
he would offer another chess game or insist we meet for
lunch. So, through his example and his coaxing, I slowly
learned he wanted me with him still. Just not sexually.

That was definitely a blow to my ego. I was, after all, the
cadet that slept with half of my class, all genders and
species included. Or so they say.

But I got over it. My inner tomcat reemerged. I kissed
pretty women. I slept with those who caught my eye, both
male and female. I met Edith and Rayna. When they died, I
honestly mourned them, wondering what it would have been
like to spend the rest of my life with them.

That isn't to say I didn't have moments when I wanted Spock.
I barely contained my jealousy over Zarabeth. And Leila
Kalomi...God, yes, I know it wasn't her fault. The spores
made them turn to each other. That didn't stop me from
wanting to tear that girl limb from limb for taking Spock
away from me.

As I remember it...I controlled the feeling the best I
could until I tricked Spock into beaming back to the ship.
Then I let all my anger and jealousy rip as I taunted him
into a frenzy. When he decked me the first time, I felt the
shield in the middle of our bond tear open and pure lust
flooded my mind. It was so over whelming that I think we
both orgasmed as I bounced off the transporter room wall
and hit the floor. But he regained his composure in seconds
as the spores loosened their hold on him, and the shield
slid back into place. So I did my best to become his captain
once again. It was hard, but he needed his friend right
then, not his mate. To his mind, his mate did not signify
comfort, as most spouses do for humans. So I struggled to
be what he needed. And with my success, we grew closer as
friends.

Just for the record, that wasn't sex. I don't know what that
was. Instantaneous release, perhaps?

Although he wouldn't talk about it, I knew he wasn't
completely indifferent to the bond either. He used it to
find me a few times. The one that supports our 'legend' the
most is my phase shift during our encounter with the
Tholians. He used the bond to help tether me to the ship
during the sporadic phase changes and practically dragged
me back into our universe using the bond as a leash. And
then there were the times I needed my mate, not just my
friend. Because, to humans, spouses are very much about
comfort.

The time that haunts me the most now is the one spent with
Miramanee. My poor Miramanee. She couldn't have known how
fruitless it was to marry me, even if she had lived. When I
got back to the ship after her death, I was a wreck. I
honestly could have seen myself by her side for the rest of
my life, catering to her little tribe. And in some respects,
I might have even been happy. But I would have missed my
ship and my mate.

That conflict tore at me. Partially happy with her, somewhat
happy with my chosen life. Any other future I could see also
appeared incomplete to me. I couldn't see any way to be
completely happy. She was dead by that point, so there was
no reason to linger over that future, but I couldn't tear my
mind away from the possibilities she had opened to me. My
discontent at all the futures I could see tore at me.

That was when my mate came to me.

The first night I was back on the ship, I had trouble
sleeping. I tossed and turned for hours, knowing that when
alpha shift came at 0800, I was going to be miserable. But I
couldn't get Miramanee's haunting image out of my head. And
I knew, from prior experience, that if I got up, I'd never
get to sleep.

I struggled with myself until 0300, when I heard light
footfalls come towards my bunk.

Now Spock had entered my room before this without an express
invitation. Most of these intrusions occurred when
emergencies demanded he find me as soon as possible. But
usually he announced himself as he walked through the door
from our bathroom into my cabin.

Not this time. This time, he simply walked over to my bunk
and slid under the covers to spoon against my back. And he
lifted the shield in the bond.

The soothing wave that he directed at me pulled tears from
my eyes within seconds. No, it wasn't love that I felt from
him, not exactly. It was...concern, a desire to comfort.
Protectiveness. That's what it was, a desire, a need to
protect me. He accomplished his goal, in spades.  His body
wrapped around mine tightly, providing a physical barrier
between me and the galaxy beyond us. And his mind... his
mind wrapped around mine like a blanket, quieting it,
easing its conflict for a time. He didn't present me with
logical solutions, didn't argue that I had no reason to be
so upset about my state of affairs. He just quieted my mind
so I could mourn and sleep.

He let me cry myself to sleep in those early morning hours.
I guess he thought I needed the release. By this time, he
had realized what contrary creatures we humans are. We
express our emotions violently at times and are happier for
it later. As my mate would undoubtedly say, this scenario is
not logical, but it is often true.

He must've cancelled our conn duty in the wee hours before
he came to me, because he let me sleep through alpha shift.
I woke a couple of times that morning, numb and a bit
confused. Each time, it only took a small squeeze from those
powerful arms to comfort me and ease me back to sleep.

When my body finally demanded that I get up, it was 1400
and Spock was gone. Well, physically, at least. He wasn't
in the room. But he was still in my head. Looking within,
I felt a calming, soothing presence on the edge of my mind.
That presence allowed me to get up and get dressed. It
coaxed me into walking to the bridge for beta shift and
allowing Scotty a much needed break. That presence stayed
with me for weeks. I know Spock monitored me through it,
but he did not use it to interfere with my daily work or
comm and decisions. At night, however, it became stronger,
helping me quiet my mind so I could sleep.

But that pathway in the bond, that limited connection, did
not last. I know when the shield between us slid back into
place. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though I
suppose I shouldn't remember it at all. He closed us off
from each other when I was mourning Rayna's death. When, to
ease the pain that the bond seemed to not protect against,
he whispered one word.

'Forget.'

And for a time, I did. I forgot Rayna. I forgot I had a bond
with Spock.

Until he tried to break it.

---

I've broken limbs in my time. Running off where angels fear
to tread will often get you hurt. I've broken ribs,
collarbones, and a few fingers here and there. They all
hurt. They all throbbed, reminding me that although I might
have had a brush with death, I was still very much alive.

Although I didn't experience it in its fullest intensity, I
can tell you that a broken bond feels like death itself.
It's a wonder any Vulcan survives the death of his or her
mate.

I received Spock's message from Gol three years after we
parted ways, three years after we finished our five-year
cruise around the galaxy. I didn't think anything of the
message at the time. I thought it was a status report, just
like old times.

When, in fact, he was trying to tell me goodbye.

Amanda later told me that the initiates in Gol are allowed
one message, at the time and to the person of their
choosing, to let the outside galaxy know that they are
intent on becoming one of the Kohlinar.

Nobody ever questioned why Spock chose me. That is obvious.
Even though no being other than ourselves knew about the
bond, it was known throughout the galaxy that I was Spock's
best friend, that he was my shadow. We were supposed to be
inseparable.

So much for 'suppose to be's'.

I thought he had gone to get more in touch with his Vulcan
side. When I discussed it with Bones, we figured that the
humans aboard the ship had 'contaminated' him a little too
much. We thought he needed time away from all the illogic.

Forever never entered our minds.

He must have waited for the receipt before he did it. He
must have made sure I heard his words. I listened to him
speak of his desire to become one of the completely logical
ones. I heard him thank me for my friendship and guidance
when he needed it. Then I turned off the comm panel with a
sigh and leaned back in my office chair, wondering what
Spock would be like when I saw him again.

Two minutes later, I was screaming loud enough to bring in
my secretary, my 1100 appointment, and two repair chiefs who
were talking in the hallway outside my office door.

Now remember, at this point I didn't remember the bond.
Spock had made me forget it when he eased the thoughts of
Rayna from my mind. So when the pain started, all I knew was
that my brain felt like it was being split into two.  I
clutched at my chair, then at my head, hoping I could keep
my two hemispheres from rending themselves from each other.

Then the bond flared to life. Later, Spock told me that was
actually my doing. That, although my conscious mind didn't
remember, my unconscious was damned if it was going to let
Spock go without a fight. No, Spock didn't phrase it exactly
that way. But I want to give my mind the emotional quality I
am sure was there.

Spock sounded impressed when he relayed to me his side of
this event. I am psy-null. I can receive psychic input, I
can participate in a joint psychic event. But I'm not
supposed to be able to initiate anything.

The impossible never stopped me before. I guess my
unconscious mind figured that this was not a good time to
start accepting my limitations.

So I was surrounded by people screaming my name, trying to
get me to tell them what was going on. But
internally...internally there was a war going on. Now, I
could feel Spock tugging on the bond, trying to disconnect
it from my mind. I could hear my instinctive shouts of pain.
Then my consciousness finally gathered its faculties, and I
deliberately shouted a desist order into the bond and shoved
at Spock's mental presence.

And then I, the psy-null, slammed down a shield in an
attempt to deny Spock access to the bond. Somehow, whether
it was due to some psy powers that never showed up on my
screenings or Spock's realization that he was causing me
pain, the torture stopped. I even felt a gentle wave against
the shield I constructed. An apology, I think. I was too
tired and too mad at him to respond.

I had a hell of a time explaining, or should I say lying
about, the event that had me surrounded by a good portion of
the Operations staff when I finally opened my eyes. I made
up some excuse about being stressed due to the unexpected
death of a friend. I needed rest, I said.

What I really needed was to do something other than sit at a
desk and look important. All this bureaucracy was boring me.
And now, with one best friend making a home in the mountains
of Georgia and the other turning away from all of us, I
became very restless. Everyone knows a restless Jim Kirk is
a dangerous one.

So I pulled as many strings as I could and made my way back
home. To the Enterprise.

During this time, I actively monitored my bond with Spock,
in case he tried a second time to separate us. But it was
quiet except for the occasional apologetic wave that gently
bounced against my shield. From this tentative attempt at
contact, I gathered that Spock was sorry for what he had
done, but wasn't ready to expose himself to me. That suited
me just fine. I wasn't ready to be exposed to him, either.
What he did hurt me in so many ways. I wasn't sure I was
ready to forgive him.

Such was the state of our relationship as I went to
Spacedock and boarded the Enterprise. We were 'parted but
never parted' as I watched my ex-wife die in a transporter
accident. We were estranged as I started my power struggle
with Will Decker for the captaincy of my Beautiful Lady. The
start of my second stay on the Enterprise was the most
depressing event in my life.

And it appeared to get worse when Spock's shuttle
rendezvoused with the Enterprise  to bring him onboard. We
welcomed him with open arms. But I, with the other veteran
crew members, could see this was not our Spock. We had
entrusted the well-being of our brother to the world that
had raised him. And it returned to us an empty shell, or
so we thought. Uhura, Sulu and Chekov radiated confusion.
Bones' face contorted with outrage every time he got near
Spock. I just felt numb. This was just one more blow to our
friendship, just one more wound to my psyche.

I pushed the pain to the back of my mind and got on with our
mission.

Nothing changed between us as we encountered V'ger. Although
I peered into the bond many times, trying to find the being
I knew, nothing peered back, not even when Ilia was absorbed
by V'ger. I felt slighted. Even though it was not my woman
who suffered this time, I felt sure that my bondmate would
feel the need to check on me, just to make sure I wasn't
being pained by memories of loves pulled from me.

But I felt nothing from Spock. For a few moments hidden in a
turbolift, I let my rage at his disregard consume me. Then
I arranged my face into my captain's mask and went to chase
after my overly curious science officer. I'd be damned if
I'd let him get himself killed before I had a chance to give
him a piece of my mind.

Yes, V'ger was magnificent. It was awe-inspiring. But it
also was bitterly cold. It had to absorb an emotional being
to have any concept of feelings. Even then, it barely
understood what it had assimilated into itself.

But as I watched Spock join with V'ger, I began to have a
hunch that something, someONE was warming,
becoming...growing as we hoped V'ger would in its future. As
I yanked Spock back from his mindmeld with the giant machine
and into sickbay, there was nothing to indicate that
anything had changed. His unconscious body showed no signs
of a miraculous transformation. The bond between us was
quiet. But when I shifted my attention to it, it hummed
faintly, as if anticipating something.

When Spock woke laughing...LAUGHING!, I knew what the bond
had been waiting for. Our Spock was back!

I listened to my science officer wax poetic about the state
of the being outside our hull. I paid what attention I could
to his conclusions. But honestly, I was more focussed
internally, where Spock was tapping a light but persistent
request for entry on my shield.

I was hopeful, but still too scared of Spock to let him in.
So I just listened through the bond as we debated about how
to speak to V'ger. I took comfort in the constant tapping as
we eased V'ger through its 'tantrum.'

When Spock cried at the futility of V'ger's logical quest to
understand our emotional connections, that tapping turned to
a pounding. I almost opened to him then, but I was still
hesitant. What if I brought him back into my life only to
have him leave again? I was unsure about my path, and with
no one to talk to about it, I froze.

So I did the only thing I could. I went back to work.

I was outwardly calm as we prepared to trick V'ger into
transmitting its information cache. And yes, I was honestly
prepared to give my life to V'ger if it would have saved my
crew. But Spock, in his wisdom, allowed fate to decree that
each of us should be joined with the one who meant the most
to us. Will had more to gain by becoming one with that
machine. I had a lifetime to work out with a stubborn Vulcan
who, as we headed away from V'ger, was still trying to gain
entry to the bond.

I sighed. I had to make a decision now. Spock had made it
clear by his pounding that the current state of affairs was
unsatisfactory. I didn't want us to go on as we were at the
moment either.

It took me mere seconds to realize that I already made the
decision. I gave Sulu the conn and motioned for Spock to
follow me to my quarters.

Once inside, I waved him into the chair by my desk. I leaned
against the wall in front of it and watched him.

'Jim, I am sorry.' This he spoke because I still wouldn't
let him access the bond.

'You...you nearly killed me!' I wasn't going to let him in
just yet. I needed something before I could allow him in.
What that was, I didn't know. But I trusted my gut.

'I did not anticipate your death. If I had, I would not have
tried to sever the bond.'

I just glared at him.

Then Spock did something so simple and yet so amazing that
when I think of it today, I still get a tear in my eye. He
held out his hands, palm up, in a universal sign of
pleading.

Spock begged.

He begged his mate for forgiveness. How could I remain
passive against that?

I dropped the shield.

I felt Spock reach for me mentally. Treating me like a
skittish colt, my mate slowly made his presence known and
tried to soothe me.

I didn't move away from my wall, but internally, I was
slowly leaning into his touch. I could sense his feeling of
relief. It shocked me.

'You want this?' I looked at him skeptically.

'You are my mate.' His eyes conveyed to me a certainty I did
not feel.

'You have a hell of a way of showing it, mister.' I glared
again. He showed me his understanding of my pain by looking
chagrined.

'I was selfish, my t'hy'la. I did not consider your needs. I
let my desire for logic blind me and hide the cries of your
soul.' Then he must have searched his encyclopedic mind for
a human sign of penance, because he slid off the chair and
fell to his knees in front of me.

That sight and the change in our connection wrenched a moan
from me. Instead of the measured footpath between us or
careful sharing of self that usually signalled Spock's
presence in my mind, I felt a flood.

For a few short minutes, Spock offered his katra to me. Not
to take and hold, as he would thrust this upon Bones in a
few short years. I was offered a chance to look at, touch,
examine the essence of my mate.

I fell to my knees in front of him with a cry. Tears
streamed down my face as I saw his fears of hurting me when
we bonded. I gasped as I suddenly understood that his lapse
back into friendship afterwards was his way of shielding me
from his emotions. He had been afraid of overwhelming me
with his love. Yes, love!

I screamed in outrage at the Vulcan teachings that had kept
us from being so much more than we were.

'Shh. Jim. Jim, you must calm yourself.' Dimly, I felt Spock
pull me into his arms and cradle my body. But I couldn't
respond to his comforting touches. I was lost in the pain of
'could have beens.'

Spock told me later that he was terrified for me at that
moment. Yes, he said that word. Terrified. He tried talking
to me, he tried comforting me both physically and mentally.
But he could not help my mind let go of the pain that was
consuming me.

So he did something that is much more a part of my nature
than his. He made love to me.

Yes, my logical Vulcan, who had so little actual experience
with that emotion, offered his version of it to me. He
stripped us and laid me out on the floor, with no help from
me. I was still lost to him at the start.

But slowly, slowly, those light touches he brushed over my
body brought me back to him. As I returned to the present, I
gazed up into the eyes of my mate. And he smiled. I nearly
cried again, this time in happiness.

I let him guide me. I let him do his penance. It was
wonderful, but not because of the physical sensations. Those
I knew well from my various other encounters. It was his
mind that stirred me again and again on that bed we made of
military-grade carpet. I became drunk on his delight in me.
I was dazed by his satisfaction in being wrong about us.

And I was comforted by his love.

Now don't get me wrong, the physical stuff did happen. There
were two sweaty bodies on that floor trying to get as close
to each other as possible. There were moans, shouts and
orgasms. I did walk a bit oddly the next day. Spock's
endowment puts me to shame.

Spock did find out what all those women see in me. I am glad
to say he was quite logically impressed.

But when it was all said and done, I would have given up
every touch, every orgasm, for the slightest mental touch
through the bond. Feeling love inside your head like that is
that good.

We spent at least 18 hours getting reacquainted with each
other. And that time wasn't just spent in carnal or bonded
contact with each other. We finally talked about US. Our
hopes and fears, questions and reassurances were all laid
out for us to examine together.

We didn't solve anything that night. All of it was too new
and too overwhelming. But we took the first tentative steps
towards really being bonded. Spock agreed to discuss our
connection with his father. I told him I'd tackle informing
McCoy. We made plans to look for an apartment together in
San Francisco.

And finally, we slept in each other's arms.

After about four hours of sleep, Spock sent me straight to
sickbay to assess my physical and mental state while he
checked out the state of the bridge crew.

I walked into Bones' office a bit apprehensively. He did see
us walk off together and he was sure to have realized we
were missing for the better part of a ship's day.

I should have known better. Bones took one look at me and
said, 'Why that pointy-eared bastard. He didn't even invite
me to the ceremony this time.'

I didn't have to tell McCoy anything after all.

---

So, for a time, we settled in together. We got that
apartment. His father made our bonding official both on
Vulcan and in Starfleet records. You should have seen the
look on Nogura's face when he found out. I still wish I was
carrying a holocam when we reported to him to show him the
documents from Vulcan. I have never seen a man's jaw drop
quite so literally until that day.

When we left the meeting, Spock's eyebrow was so high and so
expressive, that I had to lean against a wall. Yes, I was
laughing hard enough to shake the building.

My life was good.

Around us, things were changing. The Enterprise became the
Federation's showboat for awhile. Although I thought the
new duty was an insult to my ship, I was content to let it
be. Spock decided to raise Saavik, a half Vulcan-half
Romulan girl who had been rejected by every house on
Vulcan. She was almost an adult, even by Vulcan standards.
But there was a sadness in her eyes that just made you want 
to help her. So Spock brought her to San Francisco and
taught her Surak's ways. I taught her that just because one
subscribes to logic, that doesn't mean every one else does.
In other words, I confused the hell out of her.

Now I know what you're thinking. 'You were a couple then.
Wasn't there more sex?'

You forget, I'm married to a Vulcan. No, his human half
didn't seem to demand much when it came to carnal relations.
But this time I didn't let it worry me. We didn't need the
physical.

When I say 'we' here, I mean we, as in Spock and I together.
Our minds meshed and loved each other in ways that our
physical bodies could never accomplish. And he didn't seem
to need anything physical other than a hand kiss here and
there, and my body spooned against him at night. But *I*
still needed physical release. I found it elsewhere, usually
in a one-night stand on days when Spock taught a late class
at the Academy.

No, Spock didn't care, as long as it was only physical. And
I made sure to keep any encounter I had exactly that. My
heart and mind belonged to him. He gave up his rights to my
body to keep me happy. It worked for us.

It probably would have continued that way until Spock's next
pon farr if Chekov and his new captain hadn't stumbled on
Khan.

Khan. The man who made me deal with my past and question my
future.

It was bad enough that he hurt Chekov. Pavel, our kid
brother, had to be yanked from despair and guilt after
events he felt responsible for. I am grateful he and Sulu
were so close. Bones told me he broke down after everything
was said and done. But I barely got a glimpse of Pavel's
pain before Hikaru had him whisked off to a rec room to
begin the healing process. Since I was in the depths of my
own despair, I could only nod my thanks to Sulu.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

My first thought when Carol called me was that she had
somehow gotten caught in bureaucratic wheels. No one could
have had objections to her project. She was thorough and
completely by the book. Hell, it was her thoroughness that
kept me from David all those years.

You want my opinion of the situation with Carol? Well, it is
ironic that my intuitive and impulsive nature, the one that
Carol argued so vehemently would have corrupted our son,
inspired the love of one of the most by-the-book beings in
the galaxy.

Part of me did always think Carol had her head buried in the
sand.

But then again, this time, so did I. My ignorance concerning
myself and those around me led me to fail my bondmate.

I, Kirk, James Tiberius, son of George, failed my bondmate.
And the universe almost made me cash in my future to pay
penance.

The chain of events that lead to Spock's death...When they
started, I could not imagine that anyone was going to break
a fingernail, let alone get killed. We had a boatful of
kids, for God's sake!

Like I said, I thought the bureaucratic wheels were just
spinning on their usual backwards trajectory and were
somehow dragging Carol along for the ride. I figured it was
easy to fix. Just soothe a few ruffled feathers and
everything would be fine. Right?

How wrong can a man be? Well, I found out...the hard way.

I made my first mistake during all this by taking command.

Spock trusted his bondmate implicitly. If I needed to get to
Regula I, well then, he was going to make sure I had
everything I needed to get there. To him, that meant I must
have my ship, so I could dictate orders and have them
obeyed.

He knew I'd start yelling orders anyway if he didn't give me
command. He knew me too well.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when his gift came
with a barely - disguised declaration of love.

Ah, Spock. I never asked if he saw what was going us behind
his back while we were talking about who got to run the
ship. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nyota give a
hand-signal to Hikaru. An old betting pool signal. When I
saw it, I hoped she put money on the likelihood of me
showing Spock a good time later as a reward for his words.
It was nice to dream.

That thought kept a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth
until Khan caught me with my pants down. I failed my Lady,
her crew, and all those kids because I thought I was ready
for anything. But Khan hit us when we were vulnerable.

And gave Scotty nightmares for the rest of his life. I'm
sorry, my friend. I hope Preston knew his sacrifice wasn't
in vain.

It's obvious I have much to regret during that mission. But
I cannot find it in me to regret those actions that led me
to my son. No, I didn't know he existed before that day.
Like I said, Carol was thorough. She had only contacted me
occasionally because Spock had found out about Genesis
through one of his science conferences and wished to support
her research.

She never hinted she had a second lead researcher, never
mind the fact that the person was our son.

That leads me to my second mistake: letting my past control
my present.

David's bitterness, there in the Genesis cave, mirrored my
own. I could see he resented being stifled. He worked hard,
but it was as if nobody realized it. He wanted recognition
for his work and enough leeway from the Federation to carry
out that work. He needed some proof that he was making a
difference. Being confronted with a father who had all of
these things didn't exactly thrill him.

As for me, I was beginning to think those rewards were meant
for someone else. Old enemies were chasing me, old decisions
were haunting me. Even my old eyes were betraying me and
refusing to work correctly. And now, I was facing a son who
wanted nothing to do with his too-old father. I was finally
in that ship. The one that had me facing a dead end, with no
way out.

Kobayashi Maru. The call-sign throughout the Fleet and the
Academy for going down in flames. This time, I had nobody to
help me reprogram the game.

In the end, I beat the enemy and I still lost. I lost the
most important piece of me. For a time, my soul lay at my
feet, shattered into pieces. Because my mate lived by the
axiom 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.'
Or the two.

I didn't know what he had done until we were free of Khan.
The shield in the bond had gone up without my notice. I had
been too busy feeding my ego with my victory. But when Bones
got on the comm in the Engine Room, I knew. I was about to
stare death in the face.

I looked within and fear ran through me. I could feel the
bond pulsing with Spock's sorrow, even through the shield.
That amount of sadness from my bondmate could only mean one
thing...whatever he did was going to cause me pain.

I don't remember running down there, thought Bones said I
hadn't hit that speed since my Academy days. I was looking
inward, examining the part of the bond I had access to, and
praying I was wrong.

I wasn't.

Here, I made my third and final mistake: I didn't listen to
my bondmate.

My soul cried out in horror when I finally entered that room
even though my mouth could barely make a sound.

Spock. Oh my God, Spock! By the time I got there, saving him
was out of the question. The radiation had already ravaged
his body and would only need a few more minutes to finish
the job.

So I reassured him. I let my eyes flood with emotions...and
tears. As I tried to be strong for Spock, I looked inside my
mind, wanting to give him some peace. But I couldn't reach
out to him through the bond. It already felt fragile. I was
afraid I'd break it.

But he did reach through it. Although we usually don't speak
through our connection, this time he did. 'Keep McCoy by
your side,' he said firmly.

And then he said his famous goodbye. Those words echo in my
nightmares. What kind of friend was I? What kind of friend
allows death to happen without a fight?

As he fell, the bond broke. As it did, I gasped in pain. I
leaned against the glass keeping me from touching my mate
and screamed into a channel that no longer existed. My
scream was so loud on the psychic plane (even though Bones
swore I never said a thing on the physical one until I left
the room) that a couple hours later, Captain Sira of the
Intrepid contacted us to offer assistance. The Vulcans
aboard that ship had heard me.

But Spock no longer could. I stood up slowly, and with one
last look at his body, I slowly forced my steps to lead me
to the rest of my life. Blinded by tears, I stumbled into
the hallway.

That was the only time my crew walked on eggshells around
me. I was no longer the strong hero. I was a piece of
cracked glass. One wrong touch and I would shatter. My
vision was dull, gray, and not even McCoy's glasses could
correct it now. Because the only thing I could see was a
life without Spock.

I went up to the Observation Deck, locked the door, and
screamed my sorrow and frustration to the vacuum of space
beyond the windows. I argued and yelled, shook my fist at
the fates. I even begged to every deity I could think of.
And then I cried. I collapsed on the floor in front of the
windows and sobbed until the tears wouldn't flow anymore.

I am thankful my crew knew me as well as they did, or I
would have never made it to Spock's funeral. Christine
Chapel found me on the Observation Deck an hour later, using
her medical override to unlock the door when I
wouldn't...couldn't...respond to Nyota's repeated calls to
me. They needed my help with Spock's final preparations.

But I was no help to anyone at that point, so Christine gave
me a short-acting sedative and sent me to bed. My dreams
were troubled, filled with a sense that I had betrayed
Spock.

And the betrayal wasn't just a dream because I, the one
Spock trusted to figure out what he had done and what we
needed to do, forgot the words he had spoken to me. I never
thought about Bones as I cried, I never sought him out to
follow Spock's request or even to find out why Spock made
the request.

I only remembered Spock's words when Sarek came storming
through my door, demanding Spock's katra.

In my grief, I failed my bondmate. I can only thank his
father and our friends for not allowing my failure to be a
permanent one.

And in the end, I got him back.

But our reunion was bittersweet. It delighted me, but it
also pained me. Because, in reuniting with Spock, I lost two
things.

I lost my son, who only two months before told me he was
glad I was his father.

And I lost the bond. When Spock miraculously awoke from the
joining of his body to his katra, I began to feel both
relief and a sense of horror.

Because the bond did not re-form.

I was still alone inside my head.

---

Everyone knows the lengths I will go for my closest friend.
Steal a starship. Sabotage another. Ignore all authority
trying to talk sense into me in order to retrieve said
friend.

No, I didn't do that, or anything close to it, for any other
lover. But none of them were Spock, now were they?

Of course I didn't expect to find him alive when I got to
Genesis. We had left a casket with a decaying body on the
planet. But we found something completely different in its
place.

Now, it wasn't until we got to Genesis that things became
rather surreal. Well, other than Bones' reaction to that
katra in his head. That spookiness started earlier, on the
way *from* Genesis to Spacedock. Yeah, watching McCoy copy
Spock was extremely disturbing.

But once Sarek helped me figure out what Spock had done, my
path was clear. I owed it to my friend, my bondmate, to
retrieve the body and bring it to Vulcan. I also owed Bones
a chance to get his sanity back. Poor Bones. He felt like
Spock had won the mock war that had been going on between
them for two decades. Making our doctor into a rather
logical being, even temporarily, would have been a touch of
genius if Spock's goal had been to annoy McCoy.

But there was nobody to gloat at Bones' irritation this
time. Bones told me that was what hurt most of all. He
didn't realize how much he had liked their 'animosity' until
it wasn't there anymore.

On the other hand, this mission was good for all of us. It
was good to be moving, to have a purpose. To strive for the
good...of the one. I've done it before, made decisions that
put my friends first. But this was the first time all of us,
the whole bridge crew, were united in the quest.

It felt right. Just what I needed to keep from dwelling on
my grief. And by the time we were on our way, we were
laughing and joking. Sulu started it by picking on the crews
in Spacedock. How was the next generation going to cope with
what was out there if we could steal the Enterprise without
a struggle? Were we really clever enough to trick the best
young minds in the Fleet?

Pavel claimed he was going to start a course on 'How to rein
in arrogant captains' where ever we would end up. Someone
needed to know, he said. I just laughed. I never claimed to
be a saint, and they never saw me as one.

But when we got to Genesis...well, surreal doesn't quite
cover it.

We found a deluded Klingon firing at us for no apparent
reason, a Federation ship destroyed...and down on the
planet, a child growing at warp speed, being tended by my
son and the child's adopted daughter...who was practically
my daughter-in-law.

Life has a strange way of running in circles, doesn't it?

Like the relationship between Spock and me. We have been
forever chasing after each other, trying to insure the
other's safety. Up until Spock's death, we were lucky. So
damned lucky.

And now, through an accident my son caused by making Genesis
unstable, I would get a chance to beat the Kobayashi Maru
again. I hoped.

But even before I knew the final result, the win wasn't a
clean one, not this time.

That Klingon bastard killed my son. My son! For a weapon
that didn't exist. He killed my boy and made a mockery of
his creation, all in one instance.

I had only been a father for two months, but I had come to
love fatherhood in a way I didn't expect. David was a gentle
man who liked to keep his loved ones close. So a couple
times a week, I had comm messages from him. Nothing
important, usually. Just day to day triumphs and hassles.

I returned the messages in kind. At first, because I needed
someone to talk to. Spock was gone. Bones seemed to be
cracking under strain. I was lonely. And my son seemed
willing to listen to me ramble on about nothing in
particular.

Out of that, a relationship started to grow.

I never did figure out why he called me 'sir.' Was it out of
respect? Was it so he could keep some distance from me? Or
was it because of his romance with Saavik, a way of making
our relationship easier on her? Because of a deluded
Klingon, I'll never know.

That bastard killed my son!

This time I didn't get the chance to mourn in private.
Everyone saw my face, my unshed tears. It was because of my
crew that I didn't completely break down. I could see on
their faces that each and every one of them was willing to
step in for me if I couldn't handle the battle. No one would
think less of me for stepping down at this crucial moment.
Except me. I would have berated myself severely if I had
left them without a leader at that point.

Paradoxically, that willingness from my crew was the thing
that kept me going. It helped me see that there was no
reasoning with the being I was hearing on the other end of
the comm. It helped me do the last thing I wanted to do, but
the only thing I could use as a way out: kill my Lady. Blow
up my ship. Risk it all.

My gamble paid off and I did get everyone to the planet
safely. Luckily, we were a crew of six and not 430. But even
though we were all safe, I couldn't help but look to the sky
to see her go down.

I don't know if Bones was right about my decision. Did I
always do what needed to be done? Did I always give death a
chance to redeem itself?

All I knew, at that point, is that I missed my bondmate, I
missed my son. But I had no time to mourn, because my people
needed their leader. I choked back my tears and I followed
Sulu to the miracle awaiting us.

As we broke though the trees, I could see Spock was in
good hands. Thank goodness for Saavik. I hope she knows it
was thanks to her that Spock came back to us all. If it
wasn't for Saavik and David, Spock would have died a second
time before I put the ship into orbit around Genesis.

Even though I wanted to look upon his face, although I
wanted to see what was in those eyes that were maturing much
too quickly, I needed to see my son. In that moment,
fatherhood was more important than the friendship that had
sustained me for twenty years. Because this time, I had
failed my son.

With all that needed to be done, I couldn't spare more than
a few minutes. But I made sure I gave him that. My heart
sighed in grief as I straightened the jacket covering his
body. My mind pondered the loneliness of a childless future
as I brushed some dirt from the hair peeking out above the
jacket collar. Then I forced myself to shut that mental box
for the time being.

I didn't have the luxury to do my son's memory the justice
it deserved at that moment. It would have to wait.

Spock needed me. That's all it took for my priorities to
upend themselves. That's all it ever took.

I had to get him off that planet and I had to do it now.

But then that bastard showed up. I found out his name
afterward. Kruge. A rather ordinary-sounding name, for a
Klingon. At the moment I stood facing him, I hoped the rest
of his homeworld wasn't as damned idiotic as he was.

I am glad to say I found out later that there are at least
some sensible Klingons in the universe.

But the one I faced on Genesis was anything but sensible.
How else was I able to take him down by forcing him into a
corner that wasn't there?

He didn't have to die. But I wasn't going to let him kill me
to save himself. It came down to me or him, and I definitely
needed to be elsewhere at that moment.

Was it because love is more powerful than greed? Maybe,
maybe not. It was probably just that I was more stubborn. I
had lots of practice at it.

So we took the Bird of Prey right out from under its
remaining crew. I got Spock and everyone else off that
planet before it exploded. But I left my son there. Part of
me wanted to talk to Carol, to ask what spot would be most
appropriate for our son's final resting place. But with no
time and little energy, I decided letting him be buried by
his own creation was the best I could do for him.

I had to get ready for Spock's return.

As we sped towards Vulcan, the being I had known as my
bondmate was in pieces. One piece laying on a slab in what
passed for a Klingon sickbay. The other piece in the body
hovering over the first, trying to keep it alive until we
got to Vulcan.

Bones was suffering as much as I was, in his own way. He
nearly had to admit he was scared for one of his best
friends. The best friend, who, to all eyes outside of the
Enterprise, looked like his bitterest enemy.

None of us were ever fooled. But luckily for them, the rest
of the universe didn't have to learn their dirty little
secret.

Sarek had a whole assembly waiting when we arrived. From
what I gathered, this sort of thing hadn't happened in
thousands of years, so I was only mildly surprised to see
curious Vulcans everywhere I looked.

That was the day Spock's legend surpassed mine. If I was as
egotistical as many seem to think I am, I would have had a
fit when I realized what had happened.

Honestly, I didn't care. I just wanted him back.

We all huddled together around Spock as we made our way to
the temple with his body. A sign of ownership. You disowned
him, you Science Academy, you society based on logic. We
took him in, we gave him a home. And everyone was the better
for it.

We will let you work your magic, our thoughts said. But we
are watching. If you screw him up this time, you will pay.

I'm serious. I asked each of them afterwards, and that's
basically a summary of what they said. The Kohlinar had
taught all of us to fear Vulcan mysticism.

I feared it more than the rest of crew. Only one other human
had bonded with a Vulcan. If and when the healers found the
broken bond in Spock, would they let it be? Would they help
it re-form? Or would they say I wasn't good enough?

I was scared to death. I forced myself to take a deep breath
and concentrate on making sure Spock lived. The rest of it
would take care of itself. I prayed.

I clapped Bones on the shoulder before he made his way up to
the altar. I watched T'Lar start the mind transfer. And I
looked inward.

I watched the spot in my mind where Spock had been intently,
hoping against hope that he would just slide back into
place.

I sensed nothing. Nothing as we stood staring at T'Lar
standing over Spock and Bones for hours. Nothing as we
rested on that hard floor. Nothing as Bones walked back to
us in the morning, obviously weary.

Nothing as Spock walked to us a few minutes later, finally a
whole being. Only a glimmer of hope.

'Your name is Jim.'

Yes, yes! I almost broke down at that moment. But I held on.
I could see he needed to be guided back into his place with
us. And I wanted to be one of the guides.

We all did. He turned to the others and let them touch him.
Something they all thought they would never do again. I hung
back, letting them have their time. Letting them speak to
their brother.

And I wondered if I would ever see my lover again.

---

We spent three full Terran months on Vulcan. In that time,
we learned more than we wanted to know about Vulcan
efficiency. We were woken up at precise times, fed at
precise times. The ship's repair was on a precise schedule.

I'm surprised they didn't tell us precisely when to use the
facilities.

But despite their odd habits, Vulcans are nice people. They
made sure we were comfortable, or as comfortable as humans
can be in that desert climate. They helped repair our stolen
ship, even though they argued with Scotty at every turn. And
they kept us updated on Spock's progress, but they never
told us what we wanted to hear.

Nyota wanted to know if Spock remembered her singing. Pavel
asked about Spock's opinion of Moscow, whether he changed
his mind about how it lacked in aesthetics. Hikaru wanted to
reminisce with Spock about their fencing practices. Scotty
was eager to finish his discussion with Spock about the new
warp nacelles Starfleet was using.

Bones wanted to remind Spock that he hated him. We all
laughed at that one, then had to explain it to the Vulcan
healers surrounding us.

Me? I kept my mouth shut. None of the healers had said
anything about the bond and I was still afraid to mention
it. Plus, I was scared of what would happen when Spock
realized the bond had been there but was now gone.

Because we did see him. I know the rumors made a big deal
about how the Vulcan Council of Elders supposedly kept Spock
away from us until he decided to join us on our trip back to
Earth. Those rumors aren't true.

In fact, as part of his treatment, we were to meet with
Spock an hour or so each 10 hour period (Bones tried to
explain to me the rationale behind the timing. It had
something to do with the way the Vulcan brain cycles
neurochemicals.). We were supposed to stir his memory,
remind him of things we had done together. The healers
wanted us to be factual in our reminders, with as few
emotions as possible. The healers needed to be educated
about Terrans. That's about as polite as I could be when I
talked to Amanda about it. What I really wanted to say was
that they were completely crazy if they thought we could
recount our lives with Spock unemotionally.

So we each took turns talking to Spock about the last twenty
years of our lives. The good times and the bad. Joys and
heartaches. Loves and losses.

Each in their own way, I watched my friends tell Spock how
much they loved him.

But I couldn't. My fears paralyzed me. I couldn't think of
any events that didn't involve our connection. I found
myself stuck and ended up talking about how Spock had
reacted to various crew members. Everything I said was
boring and lacked color. It got so bad that Bones was giving
me piercing looks every time Spock came by. Sarek, also
concerned, looked like a schoolmaster about to tell his
student how badly he failed his test.

But I couldn't help myself. I didn't know what else to do.

Spock didn't seem to notice. He was still integrating his
katra into his brain. He was too busy to realize an
illogical human was being more illogical than usual.

Only Nyota seemed to sense my difficulties. When it became
apparent to her that I was having trouble fulfilling my duty
to Spock, she would sit with us during my turn at
memory-prodding. She would relax both of us and help me
recount important things in our lives, not just trivial
facts.

Even Spock noticed the difference when she was around. He
seemed more comfortable, more able to remember things when
Uhura was with us.

And then she went one step further: she found us a 3D chess
set. That game, which had been the background for many
discussions between me and my first officer, now became the
catalyst for a flood of memories being integrated into
Spock's brain. The change was so sudden that Amanda rushed
over to me after our first chess game and demanded to know
what had happened.

Even so, when we were finally ready, or forced, to continue
on to Earth, Spock was perhaps half the person he once had
been, by my perceptions. He knew his duties on a starship.
He knew his history. He was comfortable around us. But the
familiarity, that odd formal familiarity of Spock's, had not
returned.

He knew us, but in all the ways that counted, we were still
strangers to him.

But we had run out of time on Vulcan. Starfleet was
insisting that we come home to meet our fates. And though we
tried to persuade Spock to stay on Vulcan a little longer,
well, his stubbornness decided to come back in full force.
He insisted his testimony was vital in us getting fair
treatment from the tribunal.

Now by space standards, its only a hop, skip and jump
between Earth and Vulcan. You can go between them in less
than a day at Warp 2 or higher. So we knew we didn't have
much freedom left. We all worried about the big questions.
Were our careers over? Would we have to do time in prison?

Would we be separated from Spock?

It was a concern each of us had. Not that we thought Spock
couldn't survive without us. Spock always did what he needed
to. Hell, that's ultimately why we were facing these
problems instead of being dead.

But we knew he wasn't 100 percent. So we owed it Spock to
look after him until he improved. My way of looking after
him? I put him back at his science station for the trip
home.

Bones wasn't too thrilled about that. Yes, I could see Spock
appeared rather...formal, rather aloof. I could tell we
still confused him quite a bit. But what else was I going to
do with him? I figured this would be an easy trip. He could
refamiliarize himself with his duties without the stress of
formal orders.

The universe had other plans.

As grave as the situation was, it started off on a good
note, at least within our little ship. As we got close to
Earth, we all watched as Bones and Spock sparred for the
first time since the refusion. I swear I saw that smug glint
in Spock's eyes as he got the upper hand and Bones turned
away from their philosophical discussion in frustration. I
wasn't the only one. Nyota and Pavel had small smiles on
their faces as Bones found a corner to sulk in.

But only seconds later we were inundated with Starfleet's
distress calls. So, working on automatic, I asked my first
officer for his opinion. To his credit, and to the credit of
the Vulcan healers, he gave me the information I needed.

Then I realized we had to do the impossible to save Earth.
Again.

So I had to lean on Spock even harder. He was the only
person on our ship who could do the calculations for time
travel. Everyone knew that. And as much as Bones complained,
he never tried to stop us. In his heart, he knew we didn't
have a choice.

So we made preparations to go to a San Francisco that was
more foreign to us than Vulcan. We debated about the
logistics of transporting whales. I decided to trust Spock's
computations. I had no doubt the healers were able to
restore Spock's analytical abilities. They left a bit to be
desired with the emotional ones, however. Even so, his
actions had an urgency that spoke of some connection with
the people he was trying to save.

So despite McCoy's grumblings, I let us travel to the past
based on Spock's calculations. And, of course, we made it.
We landed the ship in Golden Gate Park in the summer of
1986. I made sure to put us down in the middle of the
overgrown part of the park. I didn't want to land it near
the bridge and have tourists colliding with it every five
minutes. Even without knowing much about the 20th century, I
knew tourists have always loved watching the bridge come out
of the fog from any viewpoint they could find.

And obviously, we couldn't have people watching us prepare
the ship for whales. So we had a bit of a trek to the park
exit. I hung back behind the others as we walked, and
watched them, gauging how ready they were to handle this.
Even though they had enough problems for three planets, all
of them radiated with exuberance and confidence. I smiled.
My people were doing just fine.

Just before we headed out the exit and onto the street,
Spock turned back to me with a raised eyebrow, as if sensing
my contentment and wanting to know its cause.

I shrugged at him. 'It's good to be alive, don't you agree?'

Spock nodded gravely. 'Of course, Admiral.' Although he was
formal and perfectly poised, I swore his eyes lingered just
a little too long on my face, trying to read the nuances in
my expression. What he saw there must have satisfied him,
because he nodded again and turned to make his way through
the park exit.

So on we went with our mission to save our world. Going off
alone with Spock was both worrysome and right. I had to rely
on my instincts and luck to find our way to the aquarium
where the humpbacked whales were housed. I was glad to see
Spock trusted me enough to follow me. And trusted himself
enough to follow his own instincts.

I just wish he told me what he was doing before he jumped
into the tank with the whales.

I was so shocked by his move that I had trouble figuring out
what to do to prevent our young tourguide from keeping the
whales from us. I tried to separate myself from Spock, but
it was too late. She had seen us together. Then I tried
wining and dining her. I was making progress too, until
Scotty commed me. In the end, I believe she thought we were
just too kooky to be lying.

Or she was as desperate to save her whales as I was to save
my planet. I know it wasn't my performance that convinced
her. I did try to sway her with my charm, but my heart
wasn't in it. I was too worried about Spock's emotional
state, or lack thereof, to make a move on anybody else. What
if I hurt him by doing so?

But then Spock's emotionlessness got to me when I came back
to the ship. He was talking about a mission as if we were
charting a star system instead of saving the planet that
help create both of us. Goddamn Vulcan healers! I blew up at
Spock, wanting to rile him into a response. Any response.

I got more than I expected. Through my anger and
frustration, I heard a 'snap' in my head. I froze on the way
to my cabin. It couldn't be...could it?

I sat on my bunk and looked into my mind. And nearly fell to
the floor in shock. The bond *was* there. But when I prodded
it, nothing happened. He didn't reach out to me, it didn't
hum, as it had before. Looking into it was like looking into
a starless section of space.

But I had no time to do anything about that. Bones was
pounding on my door, yelling that Chekov was missing. Damn.

So I went to the bridge to see what was going on. The
situation was bad.

It took more than 24 hours for us to find Pavel. By that
time, Gillian had run to me, looking for help. The aquarium
staff had taken the whales out from under her and put them
in dangerous waters. To make matters worse, we found out
Pavel had been seriously hurt.

So I let Bones drag Gillian and me around a hospital. I'm
glad I did. What they were going to do to our youngest crew
member sounded frighteningly primitive.

Once we were back on the Bounty, I let Gillian know I wasn't
too happy about her choosing to come to the future. She
belonged in her own time, not in ours. Besides, I didn't
want Spock to see her as a threat. I still wasn't getting
any response to my poking at the bond, so I had no idea what
Spock was thinking.

But I gave in gracefully. She was right. We did need her.

My mood improved significantly when I saw Bones poke fun at
Spock right before we retrieved George and Gracie. Things
were starting to get back to normal, at least in our little
group.

And when Spock took Bones' advice, I was thrilled. I do
realize his 'guess' was based on as much information as he
could gather. But he made the final leap to come up with a
number. He adapted. I felt energized by the possibilities I
was seeing in Spock's eyes.

After that, I knew we couldn't fail. The universe wouldn't
be that cruel.

But our troubles weren't over yet. We flew into our own time
and hit Earth's atmosphere as fast as possible, knowing we
didn't have much time before the probe completely flooded
the land masses. We landed in the bay and nearly hit the
Golden Gate Bridge in the process. Then, the cargobay doors
on the Klingon rustbucket were stuck. The whales were
trapped, along with my engineer and our whale expert. This
time, I wasn't willing to risk Spock's life to get them
free.

So, of course, I risked my own. As I swam through that
chilly water, I wondered what Spock was thinking. Did he
worry about my safety? Did he wonder if I was strong enough
to get out of this alive? Would he mourn me if I didn't make
it?

That's when I felt it. A huff of annoyance coming from the
other side of the bond. Just enough of a response to
reassure me, to tell me that I was being illogical, even for
a human. At that thought, I almost forgot I was swimming
underwater and let out a chuckle. But I stopped myself in
time and finished my task.

I swam to the surface as soon as I saw George and Gracie
leave the ship. Without meaning to, I came to a stop right
in front of Spock as he stood on the ship's wing. Then we
all waited for the whales to do their job. After a moment of
panic, we all heard our aquatic duo break into song, and
just like that, the rain stopped and the waters started to
calm.

My crew started an impromptu celebration right there.
Everyone was thrown or pulled off that wing into the water,
with much laughter ensuing. Everyone, that is, except Spock.

Well, I couldn't let him miss out on this human custom. So I
pulled him into the bay. I grinned at him a minute later as
his head came out of the water. Spock just raised an eyebrow
and held out two fingers towards me. Yes, those two fingers.

I gasped in shock. But when he made no move to retract his
request, I completed the Vulcan kiss.

I heard the cheers of my crewmates behind me. 'Was I being
that obvious about my worries?' I whispered to Spock as we
moved a little away from the others. 'I was trying to be
reasonable. You just came back from the dead, after all.'

Spock laid a hand on my shoulder. 'You do not have to be
'obvious' with them, Jim. They know you well. They knew
something was missing. Because of their concern for you, I
was able to find what was missing.'

This time I raised an eyebrow.

'Concern such as theirs is most often a product of love. A
love for a brother or a comrade. Familial love. This I
understood from watching my mother during my recovery. But I
remembered very little of the affection between us.

'Then you confronted me about my feelings concerning our
task. Your outburst confused me. I could not figure out why
you were angry. When I searched my memories, I found the
connection. I realized you loved your home. When I focused
on how I felt about your reaction, I found anger,
frustration, and curiously, affection. I examined that
affection, and as Dr. McCoy might say, the dam burst. My
love for you overwhelmed me at that moment.

'For your safety, before my death, I locked the memories of
'us' away in an inaccessible part of my katra. Only by
regaining emotional connections to you, was I able to access
them. Once I had, it was only logical to re-form the bond.'

I listened to his explanation with a growing understanding.
But then I realized Spock was getting a bit pale. Knowing he
must be freezing in the water, I coaxed him back up onto the
wing to sit with me. As we waited for the Fleet shuttle to
arrive, I thought about what he said.

'Then why didn't you say anything to me about it? Why did
you let the bond lie dormant?'

'Because I was waiting to assess if I had made the right
choice. Logic does not always aid me when making decisions
concerning humans.'

I grinned at that. 'And you just came to a conclusion now?'

'I concluded I made the correct choice when you were
releasing George and Gracie. You were worried that I did not
love you enough to mourn your death. I knew then that my
love was important to you.'

'You, and everything in you, is important to me, Spock.'

'I know that now, Admiral.'

I just rolled my eyes at his bad attempt at a joke.

And then I gave my bondmate another hand kiss.

---

So before the tribunal, which was to go down in history as
the return of Captain Kirk, I was given a gift that means
more to me than that second ship ever will.

My bondmate returned to me. Completely.

After drying off from our dip in San Francisco Bay and being
debriefed by Starfleet Intelligence, we made our way to our
apartment to spend what we thought was our last night of
freedom together.

As we went into the living room, I had the computer turn up
the heat. The last time I was in here, I had been alone. I
remembered being almost too upset to switch the temperature
to human norm. Now, I almost shouted with joy because I had
a reason to turn my place into a sauna once again.

With a smile on my face, I turned to ask Spock if he was
hungry. But the words never came. I just stared at my
bondmate.

I found him with his head bowed and his hands stretched out
to me, palms up. Pleading, as he did after trying to destroy
the bond during his Kohlinar rights.

But he hadn't harmed me this time. I reached out to him,
confused. 'Spock, what is it?'

Spock raised his head. 'When we chose to live as bondmates
in this place, we made a decision. Because your needs were
different than my own, we agreed that your body was not in
my purview except during pon farr, although your heart and
mind were.'

I nodded, wondering where this was leading.

'Now I find myself needing that physical intimacy that I had
given up. I request that my t'hy'la allow a joining this
night. For although I do not burn, I need.'

He had misunderstood me when we made that pact. My face
flushed with shame. I hated that my desire for sex caused
Spock to humble himself like that.

I sat down, trying to show him that I didn't want him to be
submissive to me. 'You didn't have to beg. You could have
just asked.'

'I do not have the right..'

I wanted to thrash myself for my earlier callousness. Don't
have the right? God, what have I done?

But he wouldn't understand my anger at this point. So I
tried to calm down. My voice was almost steady when I
answered him. 'The only right you gave up was to request
that I have sex with nobody other than you. You never gave
up your right to make love with me.'

Spock nodded after a minute, finally understanding. And then
he sent a calming wave through the bond. 'Then I request my
bondmate stop punishing himself for his small error and join
me in our bedroom.'

I smiled ruefully. Then I nodded in acknowledgement of his
easy acceptance of my flaws and followed him.


What followed was an experience I'll never forget. Spock
used the bond as his guide in relearning who I am. Deciding
to concentrate on the physical, he touched, soothed, and
heated me. He listened to the bond to find what touches
affected me most and proceeded to give me physical 
pleasures the likes of which I had never felt before. Each
touch, each sensation spoke of his love for me. Each moan he
wrenched from me replied to him in kind . I did try to
return the favor. I did try to touch and caress him. But he
pushed my hands gently away. So I let him do as he pleased.
I was rewarded many times for allowing him to get his way.

And when he reached through the bond and touched my mind, oh
my God, everything in me shuddered with pleasure. And as my
head cleared from that mental orgasm, I found Spock in awe
of my reaction. So I touched his mind, and let him feel that
overwhelming sensation. I laughed in delight as he lost
control of his body and trembled in my arms.

When he recovered, Spock quirked an eyebrow. 'My loss of
control is amusing?'

I grinned. 'Your emotional response is enlightening.'

Then I felt my lover's playful side, the one that spars with
Bones, the one that insults humanity right to our faces and
waits to see how we will react, the one that challenges me
to beat his logical solutions in chess, reemerge in full
force.

He pinned me to our bed. 'Then I will have to enlighten you
further.'

I laughed. 'I await your wisdom.' Then I wrapped my arms
around him.

Oh, and trust me, he did teach me things about my body and
mind that I didn't know. We barely made it to the tribunal
on time because of his 'enlightening'.

So I was in a good mood when we started out towards
Starfleet Headquarters, but when we got to the building, the
weight of the unknown pulled me down.

The fact that he was the only one of us not accused of a
crime both comforted and pained me. Comforted because he had
already suffered enough in these past few months. Pained
because he had to leave my side.

But as the tribunal began I realized he sat with the
audience, instead of staying with us, only so he could make
a point. He joined us as soon as we were put on the spot,
saying by his actions that no matter what happened, he
belonged here.

I nodded to him gratefully as he fell into his accustomed
spot beside me. He responded by sending a comforting wave
through the bond. He could feel my agitation, but believed
in the ultimate fairness of Starfleet Command. He believed
it would work out.

I wasn't so trusting. I had seen the failures in the
hierarchy of command many times.

So when his prediction did come true, when I was demoted
down to exactly where I wanted to be, I staggered back a
step in shock. Captain. I looked to my crew, who were
grinning almost giddily. Wow. Thanks. Thank you from the
bottom of my heart.

Of course I was thanking Spock, not Admiral Cartwright.

Spock's presence in the bond beamed with contentment as we
went to get a look at our new ship. Our new home.

'Somebody told you it would be the Enterprise.' I accused
through the bond as we approached the new flagship of the
Fleet.

'I did not need to be told. I merely found out that this
ship had been finished while we were gone. Who would command
the ship was never in doubt. This is where we belong.' Spock
looked positively smug.

I didn't know if I wanted to hug him or hit him. After a
moment, I decided to simply let two fingers of my right hand
discreetly touch his left palm.

We were home. Finally.

---

So of course we modified our pact.

Not eliminated. Spock said that he was not willing to
jeopardize my health and happiness by restraining my sexual
drive because of his biology. So yes, there were still one
night stands. One difference this time, however, was that I
told him who I was with and allowed him to object to my
choice of the night. Which he sometimes did, usually to keep
me from the awkwardness of seeing the person in another
situation.

The main difference, though, was that I needed those outings
much less. Because Spock granted me a compromise. He touched
me. At night, when we were in bed together, he'd let his
hands run over me in seemingly random patterns until we fell
asleep.

I didn't care if the touch was sexual, and most often it was
anything but. I just wanted to be reminded of Spock's
feelings for me.

After awhile, it became part of our routine. A routine I
needed and started to take for granted. In fact, I didn't
realize how much I was taking for granted until it almost
slipped away.

I should have realized it right from the start. I mean, for
God's sake, we took our vacation together. After about two
weeks of being shuffled around Spacedock, filling out forms
to take control of the new Enterprise, making sure Spock was
reinstated correctly, and organizing the final updates of
the ship's inner workings, I decided enough was enough and
gave everyone shore leave. Scotty and Uhura decided to stay
aboard, but I could tell Spock needed some rest, so I
dragged him along despite his protests.

We split into two groups once we took the Spacedock shuttle
to Earth. Sulu decided he wanted to show Chekov how the
woods around Mount Rushmore were better than the Russian
forests. I gathered my two best friends and decided to scale
a rock in Yosemite.

While I contemplated rock and sky, Spock decided to explore
the park using his rocket boots. Bones stayed at camp with
his binocs. Worrying over us, no doubt. Our good doctor was
never happy unless he had something to complain about.

We gave him plenty on that trip.

It happened when Spock came to talk to me as I was climbing
El Capitan. I think he quickly became bored with all the
flora and fauna. He had cataloged most of the Earth
specimens in his head ages ago. So, of course, he came to
bother me.

And made me fall down the mountain.

Oh yeah, that tumble was frightening.  Falling from that
height and facing only hard ground below will cause an
instinctive panic. But I trusted my bondmate. I knew I
wasn't alone. Spock was right there, in my mind. He wouldn't
let me die. Of course, he had to wait until the last second,
but he did grab me in time to keep me from hitting the dirt.

I never thought about what would have happened if he wasn't
there. Maybe I should have.

When Bones ran over to us, I swore I was going to have to
call a second MD to rescue *him* from a coronary attack. I
laughed it off, but he was fuming. I figured he'd calm down
after I was safely on the ground. But I never considered
what I was doing to him.

I just believed that this was our life. We took risks every
time we went into space. So it wasn't that strange to me
that I took the same risks on vacation. Anyway, I had to
keep them both on their toes, didn't I?

Later, after McCoy got over his fit, we all sat down to eat
his beans and Spock's marsh melons. I still chuckle when I
think about that. When Spock found out I had let McCoy and
Scotty tamper with the computer so it spit out 'marsh
melons' instead of 'marshmallows', well let's just say our
chess games were on hold for a week.

But even with Spock lapsing back into formality here and
there (I think it was a result of the reintegration
process), we had a good time.

Then Starfleet called.

They sent us chasing after a couple diplomats on a world
that was chosen to house galactic peace, otherwise known as
the dustbowl that nobody wanted. Even the diplomats were
considered washed-up sorts. But Starfleet knew they'd have a
war on their hands if we didn't do anything and the Klingon
or Romulan diplomat was hurt.

But more importantly to us, I finally realized how connected
I was in the universe, especially in my own personal
universe. And that I needed to appreciate those connections,
not take them for granted as I often did.

It started with Spock neglecting to tell me he had a
brother. Ok, a half-brother.

Now, I'm his bondmate. I should know everything about this
being I've claimed as mine, right?  Well, when that
revelation came out of Spock's mouth, right after we had
been captured by that very same brother, I felt betrayed. We
went to Nimbus III to chase after a rogue Vulcan and stop
him from causing a galactic war. And Spock didn't have
the decency to tell me that the Vulcan was family!

Yes, it might also have something to do with the fact that
Spock wouldn't shoot him so I could take back control of my
ship. But that's beside the point.

I was angry and hurt. What was wrong with him? Was he afraid
to let me in? Was he ashamed of me? I was too angry while we
were sitting in the brig to probe my first officer for an
answer.

Still, through my tantrum, I felt a gentle apologetic wave
through the bond. He didn't mean for us to end up like this.
After a few minutes, I sighed and send a comforting wave
back. Bones was right. You can't just shoot your family.

But that still left his half brother in control of my ship.
Which was now headed for the center of the galaxy in an
attempt to find Eden. I could have told him there were
easier ways to find it. I already had. I just didn't realize
I never told my own personal Eden that he was exactly that.

How illogical of me. And damned stupid. But I was even worse
when it came to the rest of my crew.

It was bad enough I fell off a mountain in front of McCoy's
eyes. But then after Scotty broke us out of the brig, I
watched Bones conquer one of his longstanding fears without
even a congratulations.

I've known Bones was afraid of heights since our Academy
days. But I didn't think anything of it when I requested he
climb the turbolift shaft with me to get to the Observation
Deck undetected so we could tell Starfleet the ship had been
captured. And he started the climb without much complaint.

But when Spock decided to use his rocket boots to get us to
the deck faster, Bones' mood changed. He got this terrified
look in his eyes when Spock and I floated next to him,
waiting for him to climb onto our little express. But like
the officer he was, he gritted his teeth and grabbed onto
Spock.

I just smiled when I should have thanked him. I was
egotistical when I should have been humble. I didn't even
shudder much when Spock overshock the deck doors by a couple
of floors and nearly sent us careening into the ceiling. All
in a day's work, right?

I needed to get my ego under control. I didn't realize it
then, but I had grown overconfident, dangerously so.

I had no clue that when we made it to the Observation Deck,
we actually contacted a Klingon ship, and not Starfleet
Command. I cursed myself when I realized it much later.
Mistakes like that could have cost people their lives.

I was lucky. I knew I was good, but I had forgotten that
much of my success was due to being at the right place at
the right time. Most of the rest was due to my people.

How the hell could I have buried that truth?

But when I watched my two best friends face Sybok's strange
confessional, I began to see where I went wrong.

Because of Sybok, I watched Bones suffer through the death
of his father for a second time. But when the first time I
avoided my friend's sorrow and gave him mostly platitudes,
this time I actually observed his pain.

His father's death tortured Leonard and ate away at his
soul. I never noticed that before.

I wanted to hug him to me and tell him I understood his pain
and grief. As I should have done the first time.

But I couldn't. Not when I had to watch Sybok too. So I
shook myself and told my eyes to watch, to understand what
Bones went through. I could find a way to correct my
mistake.

But then I watched Sybok perform his Vulcan magic and Bones'
pain seemed to disappear. Something in me froze. By this
time, I had seen what Sybok's spell had done to Chekov and
Uhura. Was I now too late to save Bones? I didn't know.

Then it became worse as Sybok turned to his brother. Had I
missed something with Spock too?

I watched in fascinated horror as the energy Sybok exuded
showed Spock's birth. My poor bondmate. I knew his childhood
had been harsh, but I didn't know Sarek's problems with his
son had started at the very beginning. I reached into the
bond without thinking, as I should have reached for Bones
earlier.

And Spock stayed my mental hand. He didn't reject me.
Instead, he asked to stand on his own for the moment.

So I quashed my fears and let him handle it.

But Sybok captured Spock's mind through his trickery. I saw
a younger brother turned away by an older brother for his
own good. The younger brother's eyes shone with pain. My
heart cried for him and then roared at Sybok for making him
relive a hurt.

When he seemed to be done with Spock, I girded myself for a
fight. I wasn't about to let this conman hypnotize me. What
I said was true: I need my pain. Right then, my pain was
telling me I needed to be strong for my crew. They had no
clue what Sybok was. They just knew he made them feel
better.

But then my friends shocked me.

Instead of following Sybok's lead, Spock looked him in the
eye and told him his family was here, on this ship. Bones
also shook off Sybok's magic and stood by our side.

I was humbled at that moment. I could see the reasons for
their solidarity on their faces. They trusted me. They
trusted the rest of our crew. We weren't just co-workers.
After twenty years of service together, we were family.

I reached through the bond as my guilt weighed on me. 'How
could I have not known this?'

Spock sent a calming wave. 'You have always known. Have you
not risked your life for each of us?'

'But I neglect all of you the rest of the time...'

'Watch and learn, t'hy'la. What you seek has been there for
many years.'

I nodded minutely, trusting Spock to understand the truths I
couldn't comprehend at the moment. As it was, I couldn't
talk philosophy right now, I had a family to protect.

So I challenged Sybok and his plan. But he was so wrapped up
in his dreams that he couldn't see how absurd his mission
was. Who just goes to knock on God's door and expects an
answer?

I sighed as he left the Observation Deck and looked to my
two friends. 'Now what?'

Bones shrugged. 'Overpower the guards?'

Spock nodded. But then we saw through the windows that we
were crossing the Great Barrier. The ship rocked and shook.
I motioned to them both to sit down, but they refused,
standing by my side as if they belonged there.

Of course they did.

We used the only decoration in the room, the great ship's
wheel, as an anchor as we watched the barrier try to shake
our Lady apart. But then, suddenly, there was calm. We could
see space once again. A planet began to fill our view.

I looked to Bones and Spock with a nod. It was time for us
to take control, before Sybok's madness ripped my family
apart.

We walked calmly out the door and overpowered the guards
with an ease borne of long practice. The two guards were
amateurs, making Bones shake his head as we walked to the
bridge. 'Not exactly the brightest in the bunch.'

I grinned. 'If you want a challenge, Bones, come climb El
Capitan with me when we get back to Earth.'

'Oh, no. You keep me out of your damned fool ways of
'relaxing'. Do you realize how close you were to death?!'

I nodded humbly. 'I'm sorry I frightened you.'

Bones sighed and clapped me on the shoulder. 'Just make sure
you take Spock with you if you decide to do it again.'

'I promise.' I smiled as Spock inclined his head, responding
to the implied message from us. Our family had given him
the responsibility of taking care of me. And of course, he
accepted.

Then the turbolift opened and I went into captain mode.

I revised my opinion of Sybok the minute I stepped onto the
bridge. The Vulcan wasn't as crazy as I thought. He either
didn't want to fight with me, or knew the ship's dynamic
well enough to know I could take my crew back from him with
a few words. So he let me take control.

And of course, now that were at the planet, he figured I
couldn't leave without taking a peek at what was down there.

That's our mission, after all, exploring the unknown. But I
was going to do this the safest way I knew how. I was going
to risk my own neck first, along with the most prepared of
the others. That meant Bones and Spock.

I would have left Sybok behind if he argued with me about
procedure, but since he didn't, I wasn't about to leave the
ship in the hands of his people. I handed it over to Chekov,
who gave me a remorseful look as he took the command chair.

I patted his shoulder with a small smile. 'You did nothing
wrong.'

I could feel Pavel's shocked eyes trail me as I took the
landing party to the shuttlecraft.

When we landed the Galileo on the planet, I was amazed to
find an intelligence there. Sybok was right about that, at
least.

The disembodied head looked like a god and spoke like a god.
But as soon as it tried to take our home from us, I knew
this was no god.

What does a god want with a starship? No god I know needed
one to traverse the universe. No god I know would be
restrained on a planet. And omniscient...well, this being
failed that test too.

The devil, now that's another matter.

My fears were confirmed when I ended up facing a bolt of
lightning reminiscent of Zeus. Damn, that thing hurt when it
hit me.

It must have startled Spock, because he practically leapt
through the bond to make sure I was still breathing.

I reassured Spock quickly as I saw him confront the 'god'.

Then I was the one reaching through the bond as Spock was
thrown to the ground.

Hurting Sybok's family was the entity's fatal mistake. Sybok
realized he had been fooled when he saw his brother lying on
the ground. So he made a move worthy of the emotional Vulcan
he was.

I grabbed Spock's arms as I realized what Sybok was about to
do. I wrapped my physical and mental presence around Spock
as he watched in horror as Sybok joined his energy with the
entity's in an attempt to overpower it, sacrificing himself
for a brother he barely knew.

In the end, Sybok definitely acted like a son of Sarek.

To make sure Sybok's sacrifice was not in vain, I signalled
the ship to torpedo the entity. After a short argument about
the sanity of firing within feet of our position, Chekov let
one go.

I made sure we were out of the way. Pavel would have never
forgiven me if I didn't.

But the prisoner of this planet was stronger than we
thought. Rocks were flying over our heads as we ran to the
shuttle. It provided cover for us, but it was too damaged to 
do its main job: get us home. So I ordered Scotty to
transport Bones and Spock to the ship. I figured I could
wait for the transporter to recharge.

Although proof our 'god' was a less than imaginative being,
the pile of rocks that had formed into a facsimile of a man
was strong. It was too good at smashing things for me to
stay put for long. I realized rather quickly that I couldn't
wait for the Enterprise to beam me off the planet. They'd
beam up a pile of broken bones if I stayed in the shuttle.
So I ran.

But the damned thing seemed to have psy abilities. I
couldn't shake it.

And then, out of nowhere, those Klingons that I didn't know
were trailing us showed up. I was a sitting duck as the Bird
of Prey loomed above me while the rock creature lumbered
toward me on the ground.

At that point, all I could do is hope for a quick death and
say a silent goodbye to my bondmate.

I felt an annoyed huff in reply as the Bird of Prey fired on
the rock creature.

Not understanding Spock's message in my moment of panic, I
cursed the Klingons as the ship turned its guns towards me.
And then to my shock, I was beamed aboard the ship.

I didn't realize my error until I was manhandled and taken
to the bridge by two Klingons. Finding General Korrd, the
Klingon diplomat, there was strange enough. But when the
gunner's seat turned towards me...Spock!

I nearly staggered out of the Klingons' grip before Korrd
had them release me.

My hands immediately grabbed for my t'hy'la. My friend,
brother, lover. And I gave him an emotional display that had
him flushing green.

'Did you not trust your family, Jim?' Spock asked through
the bond as I backed up and regained my composure. 'They
entrusted me with your safety. And as you know, I follow my
orders to the best of my ability.'

I chuckled and almost hugged Spock again, but I restrained
myself this time.

After a small celebration of our survival, I sent my family
back to shore leave. We had enough adventure for the moment.
And the next threat would be on us before we knew it.

But before I sent my senior crew off, I made sure to take
each of them aside and personally thank each of them for
their service and their friendship. I was shocked to find
that Spock was right. They knew I cared even before I said a
word. With much good cheer from each of them, I got smiles
and handshakes, and a hug or two. Along with those were
admonishments to keep out of trouble, so that they didn't
have to worry about me while we were apart. I grinned
ruefully at Nyota, who was most vocal about this, and promised
her I'd behave.

So I took my two best friends to Yosemite a second time.
This time we talked for hours about our lives and how we've
grown because of each other. Bones even admitted to Spock
that he liked him. Sort of. Well, you can't have everything.

And yes, we taught Spock to sing campfire songs. Including
'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'

I knew then, if life was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

---

Most people find that one of the hardest things to do in
daily life is to get rid of an old favorite shirt that no
longer fits.

I never expected my captaincy to be that shirt.

But when the Klingons lost the moon Praxis, I realized not
even the best of things could last forever.

The first I heard the news was when I walked into a Command
council chamber after spending a weekend in the Rockies.
Spock said he had something he needed to do for Starfleet
Command, so I decided to play with some rocks. For his sake,
and for Bones, I went with a professional guide and we used
ropes.

But now, after getting an urgent message from the Federation
President of all people, I walked into a room where my crew
was gathering with some of the top mettle in Command. What
the hell were we going to be flung into now? And where was
Spock?!

I sat across from Nyota, puzzled until the Starfleet Special
Envoy was announced by the Commander in Chief.

Spock walked over to the podium, and I immediately started
poking him through the bond. 'What is going on?'

'Patience, t'hy'la. I will explain.' Spock shielded his side
of the bond with a light barrier. Damn, I had a feeling I
wasn't going to like this.

Spock started speaking of the Klingons and the destruction
of their moon. It seemed they overmined and paid for it in
the moon breaking into pieces. Now they needed help to
survive.

As my bondmate outlined plans for dismantling the Neutral
Zone, thoughts whipped around my head. Klingons as allies?
God, what was the universe coming to?

Then I found out Spock volunteered us to make the first move
towards the Klingons. The shield in the bond suddenly became
a logical conclusion. He was trying to isolate himself from
my emotions. But I, the human part of this duo, started
pounding on it, letting the other half of me know what I
thought of his plan.

How the hell was I supposed to make nice with Klingons?!
After they killed my son and on numerous occasions, tried to
kill me and the rest of my family?

When the Starfleet brass left the meeting, with my crew
staggering in shock behind them, I turned to Spock.

'You have a lot of gall.' I hurled through the bond as he
let the shield disintegrate.

He made reference to 20th century politics, the time Earth
began its unification. I snapped at him. This wasn't Earth,
nor was he Nixon.

In my fear and anguish, I went too far. 'Let them die'?
Damn, I still cringe when I remember those words coming out
of my mouth.

But, as a crew, we were on our way out. I was looking
forward to travelling for the fun of it instead of because
there was somewhere urgent we needed to be. But now he
shoved us into something new. Something I didn't know how to
handle.

He should have let it be. He should have trusted me. If we
had played our cards right, we could have just completed a
couple of milk runs before we were done with our duty. Then
he could have joined the Vulcan diplomatic corps and I could
have followed him, or taken off on my own adventures, as the
mood suited us.

But he had to go off and volunteer us for this...this fool's
gamble.

Spock just stared at me until I relented. Someone had to do
this. It might as well be us. I sighed uneasily and told him
I'd meet him at home. The one that would only be ours for
the next three months.

I walked to the shuttle that would take me to Spacedock with
a headache and an aching heart.

I met up with him, after a half hour nap, at the ship's
docking door. He had apparently done some thinking on the
way up, because he formally apologized for surprising me at
the meeting.

'I'm sorry, too. My temper...'

Spock nodded calmly. 'You are a man of strong emotions.'

I sighed and offered two fingers to my bondmate. 'I'll try
to control them a little better.'

He finished the hand kiss and inclined his head. 'I must go
to the bridge and make sure our new staff has received their
assignments.'

I nodded. 'Let me put my stuff in my quarters. I'll be up in
a few minutes.'

We parted ways, and when I arrived on the bridge, the rest
of the senior crew had arrived and were grumbling about the
mission, as part of me still was.

But I held my tongue. Instead, I decided to have a little
fun with the Vulcan Lieutenant who had replaced Hikaru as
helmsman. I told her to take us out with impulse engines to
see how good she was with the ship's controls.

Although she argued with me in the way Vulcans do, which I
gave her a mild reprimand for, she handled our Lady
admirably.

I made sure to get up and squeeze Bones' shoulder as an
apology for the heart attack I almost gave him, and I nodded
at Spock in approval of his personnel choice.

Little did we know that young Vulcan, Valeris, was the key
to the debacle we were headed into.

It was my fault my door was open as I was unpacking and
putting an entry in my log. I was waiting for Spock, and
figured I'd leave it open in case he finished the final duty
roster while I was in the shower. Ah, for the days of our
original Lady. This ship had more comforts, but I missed the
days where I could walk through the bathroom into Spock's
quarters.

And part of me missed the days that the definition of
'enemy' was a very clear one. But I had my orders. I
intended to follow them.

I hinted at that to Valeris as I found her in my open
doorway. Damn. What was she doing there?

Only a few people are allowed into my space without
permission. She wasn't one of them. But I needed to be on
the bridge, so I couldn't really fault her.

I missed the obvious then. How could I have known she was
listening to my log?

When the Klingons arrived at the rendezvous point, I am sad
to say I hesitated. It was bad enough, obvious enough, for
Spock to prod me through the bond.  With a mental stumble, I
got my ass in gear and contacted them. I even invited them
to dinner. My senior crew wasn't too happy about that.

But it was the right thing to do.

The dinner was as awkward as I expected. We didn't know how
to relate to Chancellor Gorkon and his associates. They were
as uncomfortable with us as we were with them. That, at
least, we had in common.

And at least during the tour, a preliminary to the dinner, I
could keep moving to hide my nerves. But when we sat down to
eat, I had moments where I couldn't stop my mouth from
spouting my dislike of the situation. All I can say is that
I'm glad I wasn't the only one. As diplomats, we were a
disaster. Of all of us, only Spock was made for this sort of
thing.

The whole situation made me feel old and tired.

But what came after dinner was much much worse. We had
barely seen them off, and were headed to bed, when disaster
struck.

I blearily made my way to the bridge when Spock called. I
thought he had only gone to do his routine check before
going to bed. He found a problem, at this time of night?

It wasn't just Spock being overly cautious. Neutron
radiation. Damn, what could have caused that? I couldn't
focus. Apparently Pavel couldn't either. I shouldn't have
let him take night shift after that disaster of a dinner.

So we both were rather rattled when, out of nowhere,
torpedoes fired on Kronos One.

What the hell? I tried to stop it but I had no idea how we
were doing that. I must have yelled my frustration through
the bond because Spock tried to calm me as his fingers flew
over the science station controls.

But none of us could stop it. Galactic peace was on the
brink of destruction.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I surrendered to
the Klingons. We know we didn't hit the controls, but Spock
said two torpedoes were reported fired in the computer and I
didn't expect Gorkon to accept any explanation I could give.

To make matters worse, Spock's computer disagreed with
Scotty's. Damn, my head was pounding because of the stress.
I berated myself. You can do this. You can make this right
again. What I really wanted to do, however, was to tell
someone else to take charge.

But the Klingons needed help. I didn't know if they would
accept it from me, but I had to try.

Spock attempted to put the responsibility on his shoulders.
I had the good sense to refuse, even in my shaken state. He
needed to use that brain of his to solve this conundrum. I'd
do the grunt work. But as I left, I felt his hand on my
shoulder. On the bridge?!

'What?' I asked through the bond, rather befuddled.

'A tracking device. I expect difficulties, my Jim.'

'Yeah, we have plenty of those right now.'

So Bones and I beamed over to the Klingon ship and tried to
help. We couldn't do much. Bones didn't have enough
knowledge of their anatomy to save Gorkon. My explanations
sounded flimsy, even though they were true.

Chang had us arrested. I would have done the same to them,
if we were attacked. So I went willingly.

I barely had enough in me to tell Spock we were ok. Thank
God for Vulcan psy abilities.

They became even more useful as time went on. Spock used our
link to keep me updated on the investigation as we were
prepared for trial. The mockery of a trial.

The beings there were out for blood, I could see it. Even
though our lawyer gave it a good shot, he was doomed to
fail. Worf, I think his name was. An earnest man. A man, at
another time and another place, I could easily be friends
with. But as it was, he could do very little for us.

We were sentenced to life on the infamous asteroid Rura
Penthe. The alien's graveyard. I could only hope Spock could
figure out how to get us out quickly.

Because if he didn't, I figured we'd be dead within a month.

The asteroid was worse than we could have imagined. It was
brutally cold, with brutal people, and we had to do a brutal
job. And to add to that, I couldn't hear Spock anymore.

I almost panicked when I noticed. The last thing I heard
from him was some quote from Sherlock Holmes that he used to
motivate the crew. The his 'voice' cut off and I found a
shield between us. What the hell? I pounded on the shield,
but there was no reply.

The shield distracted me so much that I nearly walked into
Bones.

And the good Dr. McCoy. Oh, I felt for him. He had tried so
hard to save Gorkon, but they maligned him at the trial. I
knew he believed we were going to prison because of his
failure.

But through it all, he was rather stoic. He didn't say a
word as the guards aboard the rickety prison ship handed us
the furs we needed to survive, though they stunk like death.
He just shrugged as we were manhandled off the ship and
onto that icy planetoid.

But we both shivered when we saw the main warden order a
prisoner be thrown naked in the snow. The poor man died as
we watched.

The atmosphere was even harsher below ground. I was accosted
by a mean looking...something about a minute after I entered
the main room.

Luckily, a female humanoid reasoned with it and was able to
send it on its way to bother someone else. The humanoid,
Martia, also informed us about the plot against us. Someone
really wanted our heads if they weren't willing to wait and
let the conditions kill us.

After that stunning revelation, I went and found a place to
lay down. I was getting too old for this.

I was rudely awakened a short time later by a creature with
horns that apparently wanted my spot. Trying to be polite, I
moved and found myself another place to rest. The creature
didn't want me there either and started shoving me. So I
shoved back. Within a minute or two, we were fighting in
earnest, with a crowd surrounding us.

Damn.

Luckily, the thing wasn't that much stronger than me, and I
was able to subdue it with a sharp kick to the knees...uh,
excuse me, genitals.

But that fight showed me we couldn't sit here waiting for
Spock to get us out. We had to get to the surface as soon as
possible.

Martia was willing to help us, so we arranged to meet in the
morning. After a pretty heated kiss. Yeah, I know I didn't
ask for permission that time. But the bond was shielded. And
you don't refuse a girl who says she will help you escape
hell.

So we met Martia, who was secretly a shapeshifter, in the
morning at C lift. She easily lead us out onto the cold
surface of the asteroid and to the edge of the beam-blocking
shield.

In those brutal conditions, I didn't dare check my shoulder
to make sure Spock's transponder was still there. I could
only hope he found us quickly.

But while we were waiting, I decked our guide. It took a
little time, but I realized she was our assassin. Our escape
was way too easy.

She didn't go down without a struggle. Hell, with her
shapeshifting abilities, I ended up fighting 'me' for
awhile. And the thought of her kiss suddenly made me
nauseous.

I was starting to get tired of the game when the warden
showed up and conveniently disintegrated my problem. But
before he could do more than turn his weapon on me and start
to reveal my enemy, we found ourselves beamed aboard the
Enterprise.

Damn, Spock's sense of timing was getting sloppy. I wanted
that name.

But I was cold enough to be angry only for a moment. And the
bond...I almost wept when I felt Spock raise the shield and
reach out to me through it.

'I missed you.' I told him silently.

'And I you.'

'Why did you hide from me?' I let him feel my annoyance.

He was apologetic, to a point. 'I needed full concentration.
I did not wish to cause you pain, but it was imperative I
function at my best to solve this dilemma. You
are...distracting.'

I sighed as I reached to touch his mind lightly. 'I know.
I'll try to fix that.'

Spock shook his head. 'Kaidith. You are what you are.' He
returned my touch.

That was all the reunion we got before we had to get back to
work.

Because a minute later, Scotty came running to us with
bloody uniforms. Klingon blood. And all it took was a turn
of a corner and an open turbolift to find out who they
belonged to. The culprits laid dead on the floor of the
lift. They were part of the crew. Damn.

Spock looked at me and flushed green with guilt. He was the
one in charge of all the crew assignments.

I quickly calmed him through the bond and pulled him aside.
Since I knew the crew members' killer was aboard the ship,
we quickly hammered out a plan to catch her. Yes, I knew it
was Valeris when a piece of my log showed up in our trial.

With another flush of green, Spock apologized for making
'illogical' assignments. I reminded him that no one, NO ONE,
can see into the soul of a person without a good connection
to them. It wasn't his fault.

I grabbed Bones before he went to sickbay with the bodies
and told him what we planned to do.

'You'd better be careful.' Bones grumbled.

We did our best to reassure him and went to put our plan in
action.

We laid in the darkness in sickbay for a half hour waiting
for Valeris. In that time, we talked through the bond about
what had been going on while we were apart. I told him how I
had been more frightened for Bones than myself on Rura
Penthe. He told me how he foolishly relied on Valeris during
the investigation. I told him to stop beating himself up. We
were about to rip this conspiracy wide open.

Then Valeris came in. I had a second of panic when she
pointed her phaser at Spock, but I could see there weren't
enough negative emotions in her to shoot someone she viewed
as a mentor.

That didn't mean I liked the way Spock flirted with danger.
I glared at him for taunting her.

So we brought Valeris in front of the senior crew. They
needed to know. I could see the shock written all over
Scotty's face. But we had trusted Vulcan legends too much.
We should have known even Vulcans can twist logic.

Which is why I nearly had to turn over my bondmate to
Starfleet Command as well.

I shouldn't have let him do it. I know a mind-rape when I
see one. But when Valeris hinted at having help from other
people, I knew I had to know who they were.

And Spock knew the success of the new conference with the
Klingons depended on it.

So when Spock moved to mindmeld with her, I let him.

It was torture to watch. We all could see her resisting him.
It obviously hurt her badly, because Spock slammed down a
shield to protect me. It was so sudden that I jumped.

But he got the information from her, slowly, one name at a
time. She collapsed when he was done. But not even Bones
argued with Spock's method. The information was too dear.

I wouldn't be putting that little event into my log. And
from Valeris' face, I could see that she wouldn't bring it
up to anyone. She knew what Spock was capable of.

Considering she not only killed people that needed help, but
also threatened the lives of those Spock considered most
dear, the bitch got off easy.

With a quick call to Captain Sulu who had kept the Excelsior
near to protect and aid us, we were racing towards Khitomer
to save the conference participants.

On the way to the conference, I went to talk to Spock. And
found that I wasn't the only one who thought he was getting
too old for all this adventure.

We argued a little about what went wrong, then we started to
make plans for a life without Starfleet. It was time to get
out. Let the young handle the risk and the duty.

It was time for us to live for us. But first, we had to save
the galaxy one more time.

Chang's new and improved Bird of Prey nearly took us out as
we searched for it. But Hikaru got to us just in time to
help us destroy it. Blood may be thicker than water, but so
are the bonds formed by trust and time.

Because of all that had happened, we gave Starfleet a ruined
ship when we left. It's just as well. The new captain would
get his or her clean start on the next Enterprise.

But as it was, we got to the conference in one piece,
barely. And as is our tendency, we arrived right on time.
Who or whatever watched over my family had a dramatic sense
of timing.

I flew at the Federation President as I spotted the sniper
in the eaves above us. Scotty handled the sniper. Spock took
out Admiral Cartwright. For not having a real plan other
than saving everyone, we did well.

Then we made our grand exit from serving king and country.

We stole our starship a second time.

It was only for a short cruise, just a few hours. We only
wanted to see a few things nearby. One last defiance of the
establishment before we become shadows in the background.

It was Spock's idea, so how could we not?

It's not often you hear a Vulcan tell anyone to go to hell.

---

You would think we walked off into the sunset at that point,
right?

Life is never that simple. Walking away from Starfleet
became messy, painful, and ultimately destructive.

But more about that later...Because I need to remember the
good times first.

Spock and I took some time for ourselves after we resigned
our commissions. We first travelled to Iowa to see my nephew
Peter, who was there with his wife and kids. They wanted to
try life on Earth for awhile. We didn't stay there long,
though. Since Mom died, the farm seemed too quiet. Peter
understood and didn't object when we headed to Vulcan after
a few days.

Vulcan was where I finally got to teach my bondmate about
the true meaning of being loved by a human.

After visiting with his parents for a few days, Spock took
me on a tour of the geographical sites of the planet. We
explored small rivers and oases, canyons and sand dunes.
They were all beautiful in their own harsh ways. But the
site that caught my attention the most housed a small
volcano.

It was in a valley, surprisingly enough, between two larger
hills. Its location and size reminded me of a young boy
standing between two older brothers.

When I told this to Spock, he raised an eyebrow and told me
that that small volcano was the remnant of the gigantic one
that created Vulcan's continuous land mass. The one that had
completely covered the planet with its lava and had hid most
of the water underground.

I nodded with a smile. 'I owe a debt of gratitude to that
volcano, then.'

'Oh?' Spock looked at me curiously.

'If it wasn't for that volcano and the planet it made, I
wouldn't know you. Your logic, your tenacity, and your sharp
mind are all a result of this planet and its conditions.'

'And yet you, a man from a gentler planet, tempered them.
You helped me refine my being. I would not be who I am now
if you were not with me.'

'You would have found a way. You always seem to know what
you need to grow, to become more than you are at that
moment.'

'Much of the time, you have been part of what I needed,
t'hy'la. You must realize that.'

I shrugged. 'I was a convenient foil or cheerleader when I
needed to be.'

Spock looked slightly exasperated. 'False modesty is not
necessary. For I need you again this day, so I may learn.'

I blinked in confusion. 'Learn what?'

He gave me one of his unwavering looks. This had to be
serious. 'Human expressions of affection.'

Puzzled, I started walking along the base of the volcano.
His request made no sense. 'Spock, you've watched people
express all kinds of affection over the years. You've even
been on the receiving end of a lot of them, from me and from
others. By now, you should have all of them labelled and
classified. What more could you learn from me?'

Spock came over and stopped my pacing with a light hand on
my shoulder. He then laid a single finger on my lips to
quiet me. 'I wish to learn those which you find most
meaningful.'

My heart leapt when I considered his words. Was it finally
my turn to give to him? I examined his somber face. A
twinkle in his eyes reassured me that his countenance hid
his real feelings.

I kissed the finger lightly. 'All of them?' I asked quietly.

Spock nodded. 'I have reserved a room in a building a few
kilometers away.'

I let my bondmate lead me away from the volcano and to a
transport that took us to what could be best described as an
inn.

It was a tall structure like most Terran hotels, but it had
an earthiness and quiet that reminded me of stories I had
heard about old English inns.

Our room had a great view of that little volcano and the two
hills guarding its sides. I smiled as I stood by the window
for a moment. 'You know so much about me. More than I do, at
times.'

Spock took off the meditation robe he was wearing and set it
aside. 'But your affectionate nature is something I have
kept at arm's length. I believe it is time to change that.'

'Why now?'

The corners of Spock's mouth lifted in a small smile.
'Because now I have fewer reasons to hold you away.'

I nodded my understanding. 'No decorum to maintain, no 3 am
red alerts.'

'Precisely.'

I turned away from the view and watched Spock sit on the
bed. Catching my eye, he held out his hand.

'I do not beg this time, t'hy'la. But I still must ask.'

'I will always say yes.' I came over and kissed him before
we both climbed into bed.

For the first time in our relationship, I was allowed
complete control over our physical joining. I didn't realize
what a difference that made until I touched him. It was a
simple touch, really. I just laid a hand on his side to feel
his heart beat. That light connection made Spock tremble and
moan. I gasped softly as the bond flared with his emotions:
love, desire, fear.

'Shh. It's just us. You can let your control go.' I ran my
hand up his side soothingly.

It took a few minutes, and some physical and mental coaxing,
but when my bondmate allowed himself to just be, freeing
himself temporarily of logic's restraint, he practically
glowed.

This was the essence of the being I married, the self I had
glimpsed so briefly after Spock's Kohlinar trial. I looked
upon it with awe. I felt unworthy to see it.

But he chose me. So, in return for this gift, I did as he
had asked. I made love to him.

When he responded to me without hesitation, as if I was his
whole existence, I cried. Tears ran down my face as I
caressed his body. Sobs were wrenched from me as I slid into
him.

And when I saw the tears of joy run down his face, I
orgasmed. But once again, the physical sensations in of that
moment were nothing compared to the mental ecstacy we
shared. I made him feel. I made him feel and he was showing
it to me in a way I have never seen him do before.

I collapsed on him, humbled to the core.

Spock wrapped me in his arms as I wept. Then he kissed me. A
human kiss. And it created such strong emotions in me that I
had to make love to him all over again.

Not two minutes after we had finished.

It was like that all day and into the night. We loved each
other continuously. Looking back, it's like seeing the
mirror image of our first time together.

They both seemed to go on forever, but where the first was
fierce, this was gentle. Where the first was painful, this
was ecstatic. Where the first was driven by biology, this
was driven by the heart.

It was also the last. I didn't know at the time. Even if I
had, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

It's the events after that day that I wish I could change.
Because I did something insanely stupid.

I became infatuated with someone else.

I know what you're thinking: How could you, after that
night? It was surprisingly easy.

After our planetary tour, Spock stayed on Vulcan to train
for the diplomatic corps. I went back to Earth to help Peter
sell the farm. We both decided it was time to let go of the
past.

I was only supposed to be there a few weeks. But there were
old land deeds to sort through, Mom's trinkets to divide
between us and sell. Then Peter decided he wanted to move
to my uncle's horse farm a few kilometers away. Of course I
had to help him with that.

The weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, two
years had passed.

And without Spock around, I was lonely. I know it was my own
fault I was on Earth. But since we tended not to speak
through the bond, it gave only a small steady reminder of
Spock's presence in my mind. I think he generally found the
emotional quality of that type of communication disruptive.

While in Iowa, I had met Antonia, a horse trainer who lived
a kilometer down the road from the horse farm. She was in
her forties but looked at least ten years younger. And she had
a spirit in her that reminded me of myself at an earlier age.

True to our arrangement, Spock approved of the first time I
slept with her.

Then I wanted more. Her verve pulled me in, and I sort of
pushed aside that constant presence in my mind.

As I became more involved with Antonia, Spock's connection
with me began to fade. Oh, the bond didn't disintegrate. He
just stopped leaving it open.

I didn't even notice. I thought I was in love with this
gorgeous woman at my side. By the time I came to that
conclusion, I couldn't even detect Spock's presence. When I
realized this, I figured that Spock accepted my choice. I
had tapped on the shield between us a few times, but he
didn't answer me. Not even to say goodbye.

I don't know what possessed me at the time, but I actually
believed Spock had found someone else too. So I stopped
trying to reach him.

Antonia was a good woman, and she loved me with a rather
easy passion. But after about a year with her, I got the
itch for space again.

By this time, the Enterprise-B had been built, and its
captain was asking me to join the media event that was their
maiden voyage. Without hesitation, I dug out my old uniform
and told Antonia I had somewhere else to be.

She argued. She pleaded. She embarrassed herself to try to
get me to stay. She knew if I went up on that ship, I
wouldn't come back. I'd find a freighter, I'd find a
tugboat. Hell, I'd let them promote me to Admiral again.

None of her entreaties changed my mind. I needed this, and I
would do anything to get it. Anything to get into space
again. Anything to feel that fire again. Anything to feel
the joy of exploring with my crew...

Yeah, you can see where this is going. It wasn't about
space, it was about Spock. It was about the family that was
scattered across Earth and a few other planets. I contacted
our family. Pavel and Scotty were both still in the Fleet
and were glad to join me in the new Enterprise's sendoff.
Afterwards, Pavel promised a lunch where we could talk about
possible options for a rather washed-up captain.

But I wouldn't...couldn't contact Spock, except for a light
tap on the shield in the bond. When that wasn't answered, I
sighed and figured that his silence told me everything I
needed to know. I was alone.

My heart felt like it weighed a ton. What had I done?

Pavel could see the stress on my face when I boarded the
Enterprise-B and shook hands with Captain Harriman. I could
see he thought it was due to the circus of media people
surrounding us. I let him. I didn't want to talk about how
low I was feeling.

I had made the worst mistake of my life: leaving my
bondmate. And I had done it blindly, without regard to
Spock's feelings. All for the love of a woman I couldn't
care less about now.

I felt like I deserved to stand on that Vulcan sand, as we
did so long ago, and face Spock's lirpa once again. This
time unarmed.

My pain made me restless. I couldn't reach Spock, and now I
wasn't allowed to sit in that captain's chair two meters in
front of me. And I was the one who caused both situations.

So when Harriman received that distress signal, I was
relieved. Relieved to have something to do. To have a reason
to not dwell on my fate.

But this ship was not prepared to be two meters from
Spacedock. Nothing was installed yet. The three of us were
appalled. Emergencies like this are the reason you should
never take a ship out in less than fighting condition. But
we were here, and the people needed help. I helped Harriman
buck up so he could at least save some of them. Scotty made
the ship respond as it should. And Pavel, well, he made
Bones proud.

Then it was we who were caught.

So I raced down to deck 15 on that brand new ship to the
deflector relays. I wasn't about to let these kids die on
their first walk around the block.

I got the relays working as fast as I could. I could tell by
Scotty's voice that we had only seconds when I slammed the
panel door shut.

I turned to get up....And the wall behind me was ripped off
the ship.

The last thing I remember of that time is the shield in the
bond being punched through, and a shout.

T'HY'LA!

I don't remember anything else until I woke up inside you,
ribbon of light. You made me forget most of my past. You
gave me the last happiness I remembered and blocked out the
pain. Until Captain Picard of the Enterprise-D showed up and
offered me something I couldn't refuse.

The chance to save the galaxy once again.

So I went to the planet with Picard. Veridian II. I
remembered it vaguely as being on the Fleet's forbidden list
because of a developing society on a planet nearby.

You didn't even hesitate to let us go. Picard must have
wanted to save his crew as much as I wanted something
productive to do. Hey, seventy-eight years is a long time to
spend doing nothing. In the past, Spock would have distracted
me if I ever had to sit still for more than thirty minutes.

But now I was raring to go. I fought the mad scientist with
an excitement I didn't expect. It was invigorating.

I could see you above us, wanting to claim us again. But I
wouldn't let you. I wouldn't let Soren destroy all those
innocent people just to be in your embrace.

I had a chance to embrace love. And let me tell you, you
Nexus, your ribbon of light and artificial joy pale in
comparison.

I wouldn't let those people suffer in falsehood when they
could have the reality of each other. So I helped Picard. I
fought Soren. I kept him away from Picard as he juryrigged
that weapon.

And then I fell. I miscalculated, and the scaffolding around
the missile broke away, taking me with it.

So here I lie, staring up at you, Nexus, my companion for
more than half my years of existence. The half I don't
remember. It's just as well. It makes the important memories
easier to find.

But I can feel where the scaffolding is crushing my chest.
I'm having trouble breathing. I know it won't be long now. I
will finally be facing that which I've avoided for so long.

Death.

Oh. Oh, no. Not now...

The bond just opened. The shield is gone!

Spock lives still...and will feel me die.

Oh, Spock. Spock, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry
I wasn't there. I'm sorry I won't have the time to make it
up to you.

Oh, fading fast... Breathe, for him. Can't let him
think...You can do this.

Live long and prosper, my love.

Thank you.

Spock.

T'hy'la.

---

The End