The BLTS Archive - The Real McCoy by KyRoka (kyroka@aol.com) --- "So?" "*So* what?" "So how is he?" "He's fine, why do you ask?" Dax stopped them as they strolled along the Promenade. She pulled Kira out of the stream of people, looking around to make sure no one was paying any particular attention to them. "I *meant* how is he in bed?" "Dax!" Kira protested, a little louder than she had intended. However, a quick once-over of the Promenade showed no peaked interest. "What?" she asked, a perfectly innocent expression on her face and a shrug of open arms. "Come on, Kira, it's not like I'm asking..." Dax looked at her friend's growing anxiety and paused. "You won't tell me because you two haven't..." "That's quite enough, Dax." Kira looked around at the dozens of people passing by -- just as they had been on that day. A great smile seemed to consume Kira's entire face and demeanor. "What?" Dax asked, amused, as she tried to see what it was Kira was looking at. "Huh?" Kira broke out of her momentary reverie to look at Dax. "Never mind. Let's go to lunch, I'm starving. Besides, I'm not going to get anything out of you while you're like this." Dax steered Kira in the direction of the Replimat. "Like what?" Kira asked, dragging her feet a bit. "In love with Odo. I'm beginning to rethink my stand on moments of perfect clarity, they're making it very difficult to get any details out of my friend." Dax tried to pout, but inside herself there was a part too happy for her friend to keep a solemn face. Kira simply walked contentedly, a smile on her face and a light in her eyes. Moments of clarity did wonders for the pagh. --- "So?" "*So* what?" "So how is he?" "He's fine, why do you ask?" Dax stopped them as they strolled along the Promenade. She pulled Kira out of the stream of people, looking around to make sure no one was paying any particular attention to them. "I *meant* how is he in bed?" "Dax!" Kira protested, a little louder than she had intended. "What?" she asked, a perfectly innocent expression on her face and a shrug of open arms. "Come on, Kira, it's not like I'm asking..." Dax looked at her friend's growing anxiety and paused. "Don't tell me you two still haven't..." "Dax, every relationship does not have to revolve around sex." "I'm not saying it has to revolve around it, but it sure does make a nice addition." "Dax," Kira warned. "All right, all right. I'm just surprised, that's all. I mean, it has been nearly two weeks and from what I've seen you two are pretty ... content with each other," Dax conciliated. "Don't let Odo hear you say that. He's almost paranoid about people seeing us together, it's almost cute." "Almost?" Dax goaded. "All right, it's adorable. The thing is that once we actually start dinner, he relaxes a hundred fold. I'm getting to know more about him than I ever thought possible, more than I ever thought existed." The persistent smile spread slowly across her face. "Your mouth must be tired," Dax remarked. "What's that supposed to mean?" Kira demanded, defensive instantly. "Now look who's paranoid," Dax teased. "What I meant is that you've had that smile nearly plastered on your face for the past two weeks." Kira tried to stop smiling, but it only seemed like an amusing effort and she couldn't help but laugh. "I guess the past two weeks have been a pleasant change of pace. It's almost too easy to forget about the war still going on around us," Kira said with a sobering shrug of the shoulders. "Well, if there is one positive aspect about a war, it's that it makes you savor every moment you have with someone -- because you're never sure just how many more there will be." Jadzia seemed to look off into empty space a moment. "Hell, it's even mellowed Worf out. If he's not telling me how much he loves and adores me nearly every time we're alone, it's a miracle," she added with mock exasperation. It was one of the things that she never tired of, among *numerous* others. Kira looked at the people streaming by. "Come on, let's grab something to drink. Is it just me or has the station seemed a little dry the past few days?" She started walking in the general direction of the Replimat. Dax just stared at her for a moment before hurrying to catch up. "I suppose, the Chief did mention something about the environmental controls having a few kinks in them," Dax said, trying to catch a glimpse at what was written in Kira's face. It wasn't long before she pulled her from the crowd again, a few feet from Replimat. "You haven't told him yet, have you?" she asked, astonished. *Told him what?* The response popped into Kira's mind almost immediately. A delaying tactic -- one that Dax would punch right through. And when she looked Dax in the eyes, she could see the Trill reading the answer plain as day on her face. "Come on," Dax ordered, grabbing Kira by the arm and dragging her through the crowd. For one brief instant, Kira thought she might be taking her to find Odo, but the security office was the other way and... "Dax?" "Now *I* need something to drink." The Trill shook her head as she lead the way. "*_Quark's_*? In the middle of the day?" Her objection was cut short by a piercing glare and a continued pull on her arm. At least they were both off-duty for the rest of the day. --- Dax took another sip of her Tamerian Sundevil -- a gulp-sized sip. She took a look at Kira, slouching a bit in her seat, observing everything around her. She tried to hide a smile, but Kira's focus was turning to her and she was too late. "What are you smiling at?" Kira asked, her tone too light to be menacing and too serious to be jovial. "You. Or rather the you you've become in the past two weeks." "And what's that supposed to mean?" Kira asked, suspicious of the answer. "It means that Odo's had a ... a mellowing effect on you. I mean here you are actually watching the people in _Quark's_ with something less than boredom. You didn't used to; if this had been even a few weeks ago you would have already tried to get a dozen conversations started." "I've always enjoyed keeping an eye on the crowd. It came in very useful in the Resistance." "That's what I mean, you're not in the Resistance anymore. Watching people like a Tarkalean hawk isn't as important as it used to be, but just now you were simply observing people. Like the Bolian at the bar -- you were wondering what he's been up to the past few days, whether he's a visitor or a new resident." Dax paused at Kira's growing show of disinterest. "My point is that you've picked that up from Odo and that there's no way you'd be doing it without his having some sort of mellowing effect on you." Kira took a drink from her glass. "Actually, you've got it all wrong, Dax. I wasn't wondering about that Bolian; in fact, I didn't even *notice* the Bolian. And while it may seem for all intents and purposes that Odo has had a mellowing effect on me from your standpoint, the truth is he's done anything but. Ever since we started this relationship of ours, my mind snatches any opportunity to run through scenarios and ... and ..." "Daydreams," Dax supplied. "Right. So believe me, Dax, I am anything but mellowed." "I suppose I can buy that one, as long as one of the situations running through your mind involves telling Odo how you feel about him." "At least half of them." Kira stare into her drink. With a sigh she looked back up. "Look, Dax, I'm not going to pretend that this hasn't been eating away at me these past few weeks. But each time I play out the exchange in my mind, there are ... unpleasant side effects." "Such as?" "Such as he doesn't believe me, and the relationship ends there. Or even worse, he doesn't believe me and we keep on just as we have been. It's a lose-lose situation either way." "So even though the potential is there, you don't want to risk it if it means losing what ground you've already gained," Dax said, in a dawning-of- understanding tone that spoke more to herself than anyone. "Exactly." Kira spun her glass slowly on the table. "Odo and I ... well, I just don't know how to explain it, but there's a level to us that I've never felt with anyone else. I don't think a couple of words would make that much difference." Dax studied her friend, wondering at how a former Resistance member could be tentative in any situation. "Has he told you?" "Like I said, what does it matter really?" "I'll take that as a no," Dax said. "But you still know how he cares about you?" "Without a doubt." "And how do you know?" Dax asked. "The little things he does. Flowers, a simple note, even something as simple as a hand on my shoulder. The way he lets me into who he is, lets me know him as much as he's known me all these years." Kira kept her eyes focused on her drink as she spoke. She had learned an incredible amount about Odo over the past few weeks, and she was beginning to understand why he handled certain situations in the way he did. There was trust between the two of them, trust and ... and? "He doesn't have that assurance, Nerys," Dax replied quietly. "No matter how much he trusts you, no matter how much he loves you, this has all got to be sort of a fairy tale to him. He's probably wondering when he's going to wake up and find it all just another cruel trick of his subconscious." Kira's gaze focused in desperately on her drink. What Dax was saying -- it was almost as if Odo himself were talking to her. She had heard those sentiments from his own lips, and yet she had hesitated. Why? "Look, Kira, I can tell that you're scared, too, otherwise you would have told him by now. And I don't know if it's just you, or if you're seriously afraid of ruining your friendship with him." Dax paused. "I've known you for about six years now, and I'm willing to bet that it's the latter -- and if it is, you shouldn't be afraid. You and Odo have something that goes beyond friends, and even if you as a couple were to be over tomorrow, there would always be that bond. Nothing's going to destroy that, it may get bent and banged up a bit along the way but it will always be there. You have to trust that, to trust Odo." "I do trust him, Dax, it's myself I don't trust." Kira finished off her drink, deadening any follow-up questions. "I need to go think about this," she said, almost to herself. "I appreciate your help, Jadzia, and I know every word of it's true, but you've also got to know by now that I can be incredibly stubborn. I need time." Kira paused before leaving as if to lend more explanation, but finally she simply left. Dax watched Kira leave. At the rate the two of them were going, she wondered if all the time in the universe would be enough. --- Odo was the happiest he had ever been. And just as miserable. He loved Kira and there was a peace in their relationship that he had never known, not even in the Great Link. Every moment he spent with her was mind numbing bliss, drowning out everything else in the world around him. They would chat aimlessly, content just to hear each other's voices. Sometimes they would stroll through the Habitat Ring or even through the shops on the Promenade. At staff meetings they were developing small signals only the other would know to look for, measuring each movement and action against the "norm." They were getting to know each other, every nook, cranny, and corner -- which in a Changeling, as they were finding out, may as well be an infinite number. But there were still the nights. After the walks or talks would end and they would pry themselves away from each other's company, there was the silence. Normally restive regenerating periods became horrible, painful things as every inch of him begged to do something. He was restless without her next to him. If she were ever to leave him, there was no telling what would happen to him. After having loved so many years, to have come so far ... And of course the doubts would come, seeping like some ugly, pungent ooze. It would take only a few hours to dismantle their relationship, and by morning Odo would know that there was no point in continuing the charade. She did not belong to him, and he did not deserve her. They should stop fooling themselves. Every morning Odo would wake with a plan to end their mutual torture, and every morning he would falter under her smile. By lunch, all thoughts of torture were surrendered and the peace would come again. --- It was a few weeks later when the torture hit again, when something neither of them could deny or change or fix happened. It was those few weeks later when Jadzia died. --- Kira stared at the empty desk in front of her. Everything seemed a bit empty these days. This office without the captain. The station without its usual chatter. Ops without Jadzia. Kira stared out the doors into Ops, characteristically quiet as it had been ever since the funeral. She couldn't stand that silence, and many times the only thing that could drown it out was the silence of the captain's office. Many days her mind drifted to the events of the past few months, how much things had changed. Jadzia had died, the captain had left. And then of course there was Odo. She felt guilty for smiling, even though it was a small smile. Being in a relationship with Odo had kept her alive these weeks, these months. He had become so much more than a friend, so much more than a partner. With Jadzia gone, he had become everything she had. The tears were welling silently in her eyes. Kira turned her chair to face the portal window, an eye onto space. They would not fall, she would not let these tears of grief fall. Instead she would wait for them to well before touching a finger near her eyes, letting the salt laden liquid slide down the digits. The doors opened, and Kira quickly allowed the tears their escape route before turning. "Odo, what can I do for you? Or are you spending quality Militia time on a personal visit?" Odo smiled slightly, that adorable half-smile that spoke more than a full tooth grin ever could. "Personal, I suppose." He suggested they move to the couch. "Your eyes look red." "Not enough sleep," Kira covered with a not-exactly lie. Her nights had been restless, too full of images to lull her into sleep. "Ah," Odo said simply, letting his gaze linger on the object of his affection. Kira pulled her legs up under her as she sat. "So, why did you come all the way to Ops to see me?" "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight." "Odo, I would think that's a foregone conclusion by now. We've only been having dinner together for the past few months. Why do you always ask?" "To give you the opportunity to say no," Odo replied simply. "Well I don't plan on that anytime soon, so don't worry," Kira soothed, twining her fingers in his. "Where shall we dine tonight?" "My place?" Odo suggested delicately. "I, um, have some things I want to talk about, and I doubt the Klingon kiosk would be the place." "All right, say about 2000 hours?" Kira smiled as Odo nodded. She outlined where bones would be in his shoulder. "I'm so glad you're here, Odo," she whispered. He knew what she meant and kissed her softly on the forehead before giving her hand a squeeze and leaving. --- Kira stepped into the quarters that had become as familiar as her own. There had been many nights when the two of them had talked into the early morning only to end up talking several hours longer once he had walked her home. She noticed the small table Odo had procured for their dinners here, an antiquated thing looking like it belonged in some countryside cantina rather than quarters on a space station. She knew Odo had chosen it for the intricate patterns it displayed, ones that challenged his shapeshifting and aided him in practice. It was not time for dinner yet, though, so Kira opted to sit on the couch instead, another new procurement. She waited. Odo had told her that he would be a few minutes late and that she should let herself in. Apparently Quark had no respect for dinner time with his shenanigans. It was only 2007 when Odo walked in, sporting the usual look of annoyance dealing with Quark provoked. He saw Kira and immediately that look changed, softening, but Kira thought she saw hints of strain underneath the usually calm features. "Dinner is served," Odo pronounced, flourishing the meal from replicator to table in one fluid motion. He held Kira's seat for her, wondering how he was going to make it through the meal. --- The dinner went quickly, Kira noting that Odo stuck mainly to what equated to small talk, sticking to non-importants and trivials of the day. The food, normally delicious, sat ill in her stomach as some inner voice whispered that tonight was not going to be pleasant. Odo had been too conservative. He talked little or of things of no importance, he focused more attention on the stars than on her, and he had not even bothered to change from his uniform -- things that were totally uncharacteristic of their dinners. And that bothered Kira. "So, Odo," Kira started, jumping in while Odo cleared the table, "what did you want to talk to me about?" She tried to affect a light tone, but it still fell heavily on Odo's shoulders, making him pause a moment. "I ..." How could he say this? A moment ago he had had this all planned out, and now his mind was blank. "Nerys, I know I've never told you this outright, but I suppose I was hoping you would just know by the things I do for you, the things I try to do to make you happy." Odo paused. "Go on, just say it." "Nerys, I ... I ... I love you," he said, the words falling from his mouth. "Oh, Odo, I ..." Kira started, rising from her seat. She had known, just as he had supposed, but there was something in those words ... "And that's why I think we shouldn't see each other anymore." ... that cut right through her heart. Pain etched across her face, echoing in her eyes. She fumbled behind her for the chair she had so happily stood from a moment ago. "What?" she tried to say, but her lips only formed a shadow of the word. "I ... I can't go on like this. We have this wonderful friendship, and I've been able to convince myself that it's even something more than a simple romantic relationship, but I can't do that anymore. It's not fair to either of us." "Odo," Kira said, determination in her returning voice, "I love you, too. And if you think that I'm going to let you throw away what we have here, well you can damn well forget it. There is something here, between us, that is beyond everything else." Kira paused, frustration building in her. This was not what she was wanting to say, this was not getting her point across, and, most importantly, this was not changing his mind. "Nerys," Odo began, his voice a seductively soft husk in the silent room, "I wish I could believe that. The worst part is that I know there was a time when I could have believed that, but too much has happened. Too many things have gone wrong these past months for me to believe in anything." He walked up behind Kira, closing the distance she had put between them. "I did believe in us," he whispered. "It was the only thing I *did* believe in, but I have to stop fooling myself, tricking something out of this that isn't there. It is the best thing, for both of us." Kira spun to face him, tears welling in her eyes. But she was too angry to let any tears fall, and she was too angry to speak. Kira contemplated what to do, what she could force herself to say that would wash away the delusion playing before her, but nothing came to mind. And that was why she slapped him. She felt her hand connect and had the satisfaction of surprise, the advantage that prevented him from shifting away. There was pain in her hand, like that of hitting glass or porcelain, and she waited for him to break. But there was nothing. Even the crystal blue eyes that had once been so alluring were flat. It was enough to drive her away. --- Kira lay on the bed in her quarters, staring at the ceiling. The lights were off and even the night vision she had acquired over the past hours did not afford her much of a view. "Computer, time." "0338 hours." It was a stupid time, even worse since she had to be on duty at 0600. There had been some sleep, a few minutes here or there, but it was all darkness and Kira did not truly notice. She did not really care either. She did not care about the darkness or the station or if Sisko returned or Jadzia's death or if the Prophets returned or if the wormhole ever opened itself again or if they were destroyed instantaneously by an armada of Dominion ships. She did not care about any of those things. She only cared about Odo. --- Odo rested on the floor, his gelatinous state failing to afford him peace. Had he gone mad? Had he really broken off his relationship with Kira, the one person who was both friend and paradise to him? But it had been the only course of action. Yes, they had been happy, but eventually that euphoria would wear off for her and where would he be left? No, better that they separate now before any ill feelings had time to build up between them; better to play it safe. "Computer, time," Odo asked, reforming into his humanoid form. "0346 hours." It was a ridiculous time, made even more ridiculous by a visitor. "Who is it?" Odo asked. "Who do you think, Odo? Let me in, we need to talk." Kira waited rather impatiently for the door to open. In her nightgown, she felt rather naked in the rather public corridor at a rather stupid time of night/day. After a seeming eternity, the doors lurched open before her, flooding her eyes with light. She blinked a few times as she stumbled into the room. "Major," Odo acknowledged. Kira blindly turned herself towards the voice. "What can I do for you?" "Drop the formality for one, Odo," Kira sighed, running a hand through her mussed hair. "Look, we need to talk." "About what?" "About what you said at dinner, and why you said it." "I though I explained myself fairly well," Odo replied, keeping his arms rigidly crossed in front of him. "Well, obviously I've done something to make you lose faith in our relationship, Odo, and I suppose that I'd just like to know what that is." Kira sat heavily on the couch, the fight suddenly gone out of her. What she really wanted was a good night's sleep. Odo looked at Kira for a moment, trying to find inside himself the reasons he always managed to invent every night. When he still did not speak, Kira did. "So, what did I do, Odo? What did I do wrong?" Odo opened his mouth to speak, but there were too many confusing thoughts in his head. *This* was wrong, she should never feel as if she had done anything wrong. "It wasn't really your fault, Nerys, it was just one of those things." Odo shrugged. "We had a wonderful relationship, very ... very pleasant, but no matter what we had done or what we had been through, I'd still have my doubts. In the back of my mind, late at night, after I had dropped you off at your quarters or something," he continued as he circled the room, "I just couldn't reconcile myself with those doubts." "Why didn't you tell me sooner, Odo? If you had said something about it ..." Odo waved at hand at her to interrupt. "Well, that *was* your fault because every morning, all I'd need is one look at you, and then you'd smile or clasp my hand, and it staved off all the doubts ... until the next night." Kira rubbed at her eyes, trying to stop herself from yawning. "Look, Odo, I understand that you have your doubts. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some of my own, but no relationship is without its flaws." Kira walked the few steps between them, taking his hand into her own. "Odo, doubts are the one thing that can weaken someone's faith, but I don't want your doubts to weaken your faith in us. All I know is that we have something here, something I don't want to lose. I told you at dinner that I love you, and I mean that, Odo. I do love you, and I know that you love me ..." Kira leaned into the hand that cupped her face. "Don't give up on us, Odo, please?" Kira looked into his eyes, everything she cared about on the line. Odo sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against hers. "I was so afraid I'd made the biggest mistake of my life, driving you away like that," he said, his voice the husk of a thick whisper. "So maybe we should forget about dinner?" she suggested. Odo nodded slightly. "Nerys?" "Hmm?" "Would you ... would you spend the night?" he asked, hesitating. "Mmm, I had hoped to get some sleep yet." "Well, there's nothing saying you couldn't get a perfectly good night of sleep here." "Oh, yes, there is, Odo, and that thing is you." Kira gazed into his eyes, feeling the hint of sleep fading from her body. "If there's one thing I learned in the Resistance, it's that sleep is all too often overrated." They shared a smile, knowing that they were ready to share everything, including the rest of their lives. And Kira knew that somewhere, somehow Jadzia was smiling. --- The End