The BLTS Archive - The Light My Candle Trilogy Story #3: Dimmer by KyRoka (kyroka@aol.com) --- DISCLAIMER: Yeah, here. Don't sue me please. I don't have any money anyways so it wouldn't get you far. Besides, if you think about it, I'm the one who has to pay for the internet connection and college so I can get to decent internet connections :D --- Bashir cursed at the console. Every test, every scenario, every ounce of medical ingenuity in his genetically engineered brain had been devoted to this task -- and he still was no closer to finding a cure. Pira was a convalescent mass of Changeling gel, slowly eaten by the rather unnatural shade of blue the sickness caused. Kira had been forced from the Infirmary a few hours beforehand in hopes she would rest. The same prescription had been administered to Odo, giving him a precious day off from work. And again, despite his refusal, the Constable had been forced back to quarters. Which left Bashir with only Pira to deal with -- and that more than enough. --- Odo felt the pain coursing through the link, unsure whether the specific thoughts came from himself or Nerys. It didn't matter. They shared all of it. How could this have happened? How could Pira be sick? Nerys tugged at him and he responded, moving to envelop her. Their entire day of rest had been spent like this, linked, trying to find an answer. For now, however, all they knew was that Pira was still alive. That would be good enough for now. --- Kira sat next to the tub of a biobed that held Pira. Bashir had yet to detect any of the erratic fluctuations that had preceded the other baby Changeling's death, but somehow, sitting in the Infirmary, that fact held little comfort. Even the Prophets failed to soothe her worries, something Odo diligently tried to counteract. Daily trips to the Temple had become a cathartic release for the two of them, and whether or not Odo actually believed the fact that his words were reaching the Prophets didn't seem to matter to either of them. "Julian, how are things going?" Kira asked, dreading the reply as she had every time she asked the question. "Not any better, I'm afraid. I simply don't know enough about Changeling physiology." Julian tried to quell the sadness he felt. Nerys merely nodded, turning back to Pira. "Julian, I know you're doing your best, and..." she started to say. "And what, Nerys?" Julian prompted, but there was no reply. Kira grasped the edge of the biobed. Why was the room spinning so? What was the strange feeling growing inside her, as if someone was taking a sledgehammer to her form? She was losing cohesion and control and form and thought and ... "Nurse!" Bashir shouted, kneeling next the puddle of Changeling material, slowly taking on a blue tint of its own. --- Odo could not pace the waiting room of the Infirmary. Despite the energy building inside of him, fueled by anxiety and fear and love all at the same time, despite the need to break through the door into the medical bay, to be near her, to be near both of them, despite all of this, he could not pace. There were so many things he had never dealt with in their relationship. Love was not supposed to be like this, there was not supposed to be this pain. How much of his own life was on the line simply because hers was in danger? There was not supposed to be this worry, this angst, this threat of loss. They had finally been united into one, finally been granted the leave to join each other in some other world where he was satisfied to do nothing but gaze at her. He should not have to think about losing her. That should not even been a consideration to deal with. She was his; he, hers. Death should not be able to call on their doorstep. And yet here Death was, personified as clearly as if a dark hooded figure had hailed the station for docking clearance. The blue tint mocked him, knowing that his blue eyes were one of Nerys' favorite characteristics he carried in humanoid form. His world was clouding over, a dark settling into his mind and shadowing the paradise he had formed in the past few years. He could not lose paradise, not again. And the only way to make sure of that was to return to Eden, return to the utopia from which he had been cast. Return to the Founders. --- Odo settled into the runabout chair, weariness echoing through his substance. He had chosen to make this journey on his own, in spite of everyone's insistence on coming along. It should be only Changelings arriving in orbit of the Founder homeworld. Only Odo, Nerys, and Pira. No one else. And hopefully they would all be making the journey back. --- Odo looked around him, noting the landscape. Nothing was the same. Even the smallest contours in ground and scenery were different. But there was still the Link, stretched out and consuming every last inch of horizon. Something told him that his presence had been recognized even before the great sea of gold shifted and a figure stepped forward to greet him. Her. It was always her. Odo took a step forward, knowing she would not speak to him. There would be no communication unless he linked, those were her unspoken terms. And Odo accepted them. --- The Link was familiar, but here too there were differences, pieces missing with infinite pieces belonging. It was so much different than the Link he shared with his family. *Are we not your family?* They had a point, the Great Link was his family -- his first family, but that had been decades ago. He had a new life now, a new family -- a family that was dying on him. *You expect us to save what has kept you from us for so long?* <> *We can accept that the Major and Pira constitute a family for you, Odo, but we too are your family and it will be your day to return to us.* <> He felt a twinge from the Link. *Your promised return would mean a great deal to the Link. If you were to stay with us, we would be willing to preserve these two drops.* <> Odo was astonished by the pure silence that enveloped the Link. There was nothing, not even the simplest of random thoughts. And then came the answer: *Agreed.* --- Odo still could not pace. Despite the promises of the Founders, there was still uncertainty about whether or not even they would be able to cure his family. So he took the first form he had taken any comfort in: a sphere. He took to changing his center of mass, rolling on the small island to the very edge before shifting back again. Hours passed. Every shiver and slightest movement of the Link caught Odo's attention, once he even allowed the briefest of links as he neared the edge. All he felt was pain, Pira and Nerys' pain, and yet it was not maliciously inflicted, it was the pain of transformation and rebirth and purification. They were being healed. Days passed. Finally the Link parted. The female Founder emerged, standing meters away, before proclaiming, "She is well." Odo watched with sheer joy as another figure emerged. There was intense elation -- and a surprising tinge of sadness -- as the column solidified into Pira. He watched as she partook in a purely humanoid action and ran into his arms, something she had not done for some time now. It made him wonder about her raising, a Changeling child -- if they were even thought of as that -- would not act in that way. It did not matter, though. Pira was well and back with him. He hugged her tightly before turning to the Founder. "And Nerys?" "The Major is much sicker than the child was. It will take time." With that, she disappeared back into the Link. Time? What did they mean? They had already cured Pira, what could be so different? And how could Nerys be sicker than Pira? It didn't make sense! "It will be all right, Odo." Pira lifted the locket from her neck. "See, she's still all right, just give them time, Odo." Odo fingered the small locket, watching as the two masses of gel mingled. As long as they had that gauge, the waiting could be endured. Barely. --- There was a change in weight, he sensed it. He retook solid form, shifting the locket into his forming hand. He slowly pulled the cover back to look inside at the golden gel of his body mingling with -- black ash. There was shock. Dismay. Denial. Anger. Blame. He had always heard acceptance was a natural step in the grieving process, but there was no acceptance. He could not accept Kira's death. There was a ripple through the Link and once again the female Founder emerged. "Where is she?" Odo demanded, the locket clenched tightly in his hand. Pira, just reforming, tried to adjust to what was happening. "Our efforts were insufficient, the sickness could not be purged from her existence." The tone was flat, unemotional. She didn't care about Kira, none of them did. "Hmph, I can't believe you would be so desperate to regain me that you would kill off part of me," Odo retorted. "We did all that we could, Odo." "Liar." Odo grabbed Pira's hand and hastened back to the runabout. "Odo, you will still return to us some day." The female Founder called after him, the barest hint of a question in her voice. "You have my word ... even if you have not kept yours. You did cure Pira, and for that I am grateful, but beyond that there is no bond, no *link* between us." Pira stepped into the runabout, and Odo took one last look at this place he had once thought to call home. And so noticed as the Link made one last surge before spitting out a small humanoid body -- a small Bajoran body, female. Nerys. "Nerys," Odo said, his voice a whisper as emotions overwhelmed him. Barely a moment occurred in the time is took Odo to be at her side. He took her hand to link with her and tell her everything would be all right and explain everything that had occurred and... And nothing happened. There was no response to his search for a link. "What have you done to her?" Odo asked. "It was no lie when I told you that we could not purge the sickness from her, Odo, but since it is an affliction limited to Changelings, we realized there was one thing we could do: return her to a solid." --- Odo and Pira made the trip back to _Deep Space Nine_ in silence, Pira still a little unsure of why Kira was not reverting back to a gelatinous state as she slept. As for Odo, he could not determine whether he was overjoyed that his family was still with him -- or devastated at the loss of perfection in his life, the transformation of something that had been such a part of him into something that could never be part of him. --- Odo stood opposite Kira as she stared into the stars. The readjustment was not easy -- just as it had not been easy for him. So many things had been difficult those first days back from the Gamma Quadrant. Food, once a sorely missed sensation, had been enough to make Kira gag as taste buds relayed flavor with stunning alacrity. Once all too involuntary responses were constant reminders. Breathing, smelling, the anxiety of less than perfect hearing, everything was a contingency to deal with every second, minute, hour of the day. And she would not let him touch her. At first Odo had understood, there was the adjustment to make, the truth to face, the body to acknowledge, but as the days had passed, he had noticed it. Kira was cordial, and convincing, and tactile with her friends and co-workers, even with Quark, but she had not allowed herself to touch or to be touched by Odo. It was a few more days before Odo realized that he was not the only one; Pira, too, was being avoided, and he could see the hurt growing in the child's eyes. And that was what brought him to Kira tonight. He had learned to cope with distancing himself from Kira in the past, so her avoidance behavior did not disturb him that much, but the child ... the child should be spared that. That was one of the few things he had learned from Mora in those early days. "Nerys..." he started to say, but never had he been at such a loss for words. He remembered all too well the anger, the confusion, the fear ... only he had been alone. "People keep telling me that I should be grateful," Kira said, launching into the silence. "I was tortured by the Dominion, died, brought back to life, given this incredible gift, had a beautiful two plus years with a wonderful child and you," Kira paused, swallowing the growing pain in her throat. "I can't begin to explain how much you've given me in these past years, Odo. I suppose I just trust you *know* from the li..." Kira gripped the edge of the window sill, wiping her nose brusquely with her other sleeve. "Nerys, I understand. I understand everything." Odo reached out a hand to brush the hair from in front of her face. And she stepped back. Odo clenched his fingers closed as well as if she had struck him. She was closing him out, much as he had shut everyone out. "I don't think you can, Odo. These situations may be similar, but you can't possibly understand what I'm going through, the battles I'm fighting up here," she said, tapping her head. "A part of me would like to think that the Prophets chose this path for me, that there was a purpose in that other life." Kira paused, staring out the window some more. "But I'm not so sure about the Prophets' role in my life. They're still there and still are my faith, but as much as I love Pira, as much as she is my daughter and a part of me, I can't stop wishing that I could trade it in for ... for that paradise." There was silence in the room and Kira's eyes began to dart around like a caged animal. "I shouldn't feel these things, it's wrong. I shouldn't resent my own daughter, I shouldn't resent yo..." She clamped her mouth down on the last word, fueling her stride as she stalked around the room. Odo said nothing, but somehow through a movement aided by the Prophets, he stepped up next to her and surrounded her with his arms, draping her in folds of Changeling, drenching her with him. And she exploded. She punched and kicked, protesting every inch that was blanketed, trying to force herself free by sheer force. Odo managed to contain her, and to feel the first stubborn tears of frustration fall even as the jabs continued. --- Kira felt a pressure behind her eyes, something that had been a foreign sensation for so long that it was overwhelming. No force could possibly open these lids or see everything that would bombard her retina. And if they were processed, they would be pale, almost false representations of what was truly there. Nothing would have the same sharpness, form, life, color... Kira opened her eyes, suffocating under the blackness of sleep. Things looked so much alike; so much as they had little more than two years ago. It was ironic in a way, her life had ended void of any sensation of life; the Dominion had made sure of that. Now, in a way, the Dominion had restored that sensation of solidity and humanoid form to her. They had returned what they had so wrongly taken. But Odo had already given her infinitely more, and humanoid life seemed like an inadequate reproduction. And that gift had been taken away. Perhaps that's where the resentment came from, not from being denied to opportunity of being a Changeling, but from being denied something Odo had given her. It meant any gift could be taken away. This new solidity could be taken away. Pira could be taken away. Odo could be taken away. --- The memories came all in one night, not subtly or quietly in dreams and triggered thoughts. They came all at once, bombarding Kira much as everything else in her life had since regaining her solidity. From the Dominion's torture, there was every moment of solidity. Every horror she had seen in the Occupation, every shot she had fired. Every day of hunger and thirst. Every friendship she had forged, every friendship she had lost. Every lie she had told, and every lie she had been called on. The day the Cardassians had finally left Bajor, the day the Federation had arrived at _Deep Space Nine_. No one could say that her life had been uneventful after the end of the Occupation, the station and her position as its first officer kept her busy enough. And there was, of course, always Odo. There were few people she trusted as much as Odo -- and most of them were dead now. The people she had learned to allow a relationship build up with, to allow trust to form, most of them were dead now, either from the Occupation, its aftereffects, or the war with the Dominion. And still there had been doubts, the feeling that a chance had been lost. Things with Odo, in that tandem link, had been so infinitely perfect in its nature. Pira had only added to the joy in their life. The question remained what now? How would they be able to regain that union when she was trapped in a solid form now? No doubt their relationship would still be strong, Odo had loved her before as a solid, but she had not loved him as a solid. Would it truly make a difference? And yet her solidity had kept him from expressing his feelings. Only her death had been enough to bring about some change in his demeanor. Only then had he been able to tell her, in his own way, how he felt. Even then he had thought himself saying good-bye without any chance for recourse or consequences other than an alienation from the pain he had so deeply felt. But the universe had surprised them once again and sent her back to him -- twice. Now she had been returned to that form that had first endeared him to her, to that form that had been frail enough to allow her first demise, to the form she had grown to accept as one left behind her. To the form which she now despised because it separated her from him, disturbing and interrupting the perfect union they had so blissfully engaged in, the joining that even time itself could hardly disrupt. To the form that she kept Odo away from and that kept Odo away from her. --- Odo tried every day to absorb as much of Kira's pain as he could, to somehow alleviate the gnawing lump of sorrow surrounding her pagh. Despite all of his caring efforts, however, there was always the residue of sadness and isolation in Kira's eyes, something not even Odo could relieve. It was enough to drive a man insane -- but as Odo was not a man per se, it drove him in another direction, the same that Pira's sickness had led him down. It drove in the faintest glint of faith in what Kira believed in so dearly still. Faith in the Prophets. --- After virtually sneaking into the Temple, Odo approached the prylar. To be more accurate, perhaps, Odo waited and hedged his presence amongst the statues and symbols until the prylar noticed him and approached Odo. "What can I do for you, Constable?" the prylar asked, wondering what criminal was currently seeking refuge from the law in the Temple. "I ..." How did one go about asking for help from someone's gods whom one does not consider gods oneself? Odo froze. He did not believe in the Prophets in the sense Kira or any other self-respecting Bajoran did, but he could also not deny that the Prophets, the wormhole aliens possessed some powers of insight and foresight and clarity that he sorely was in search of to help Kira. He also knew that the Temple housed the Orb of Contemplation, and that was the subject of his request. "I require your help, Prylar," Odo began. "You know Nerys?" "Yes," the prylar answered, a sadness coming into his eyes. "Her pagh has been greatly troubled of late." Odo nodded. "I ... I want to help her, and I thought perhaps the Prophets could help me, provide me with some form of ... of ..." "Of guidance?" the prylar offered. His hand reached for Odo's right ear, eyes closing in concentration. "But your pagh is not strong." "I assure you it is, Prylar, especially where Nerys is concerned," Odo asserted, an answer to any forthcoming challenge already formulating. Why did this small man have to make this so immensely more difficult than he already found this situation? "I suspect that in Changelings, the pagh just has trouble concentrating itself in one part of the humanoid anatomy. I would ask, Prylar, that you allow me to consult the Orb of Contemplation. Perhaps I might find my answers there." "If you were to consult the orb, I suspect you would only find more questions." The prylar paused. "However, it may be the questions you seek in the end." He did not explain himself, simply led Odo to the orb. "May the Prophets walk with you, my child," the prylar said before leaving Odo in seclusion. The tone and traditional address made Odo uncomfortable. Perhaps he had no right to ask the Prophets for help, and yet Nerys believed in their powers and guidance. Maybe that would be enough; besides, just because he sought the help of the Prophets did not mean that he need to convert. Odo knelt in front of the orb, feeling again rather foolish. *This is for Nerys.* The thought gave him strength, and he slowly edged the doors of the ornate case open. There was the shimmering blue hourglass figure, oscillating slowly. Odo thought he saw it grow brighter, and for an instance he could see nothing. Quickly however the orb darkened, until only the faintest of lights emanated from its center. Odo drew back hastily. What had he done? Had he damaged the orb in some way?? Were the Prophets refusing to help him because of the nature of his faith? What was going on? "Bashir to Odo. Please report to the Infirmary immediately." "What is it, Doctor?" Odo asked, irked at being interrupted at an already more than trying time. "It's ... it's Kira, Odo. You'd better come quickly." "What is it, Doctor?" Odo asked, halting his sprint jaggedly as he entered the Infirmary. "I'm not sure. She came in here complaining of chest pains, a strange clenching sensation," Bashir continued as he looked over padds of reports on Kira's condition. "I thought it was merely a heart attack, a sign of stress that I had actually been suspecting, but when we did some preliminary scans, I discovered something peculiar." He handed a padd to Odo. "That shows Kira's biological makeup from her last checkup as compared to what it is now. As far as I can tell, there's a Changeling element in her still striving to gain control -- and it's killing her." Odo simply stared at the doctor. "Trying to eliminate it won't work; it's too much a part of her system, overwhelming as it is right now. Trying to completely transform into a Changeling again is out of the question, even if I knew how to do that; her psyche just couldn't handle it." "Kira is ..." "... very strong-minded, yes, I know, Odo. However, you must admit that being resurrected from the dead twice is enough to cure anyone's rock-solid sense of sanity." Bashir slumped into a chair. "What do we do know?" Odo asked, ignoring the strange lump in his throat. "There's nothing we can do except to let this thing fight itself out inside of her. I'll monitor her vitals and let you know if there's any change; truth be told, it was a lot worse right before you showed up. Maybe that's a good sign; it could mean she's over the worst of it -- whatever it is." Odo nodded, staring at the walls of the Infirmary a moment before leaving. Seeing her now would do him no good, and no doubt his presence would only divide her attention and distract her from this ... whatever it was that was going on. So he returned to the Temple. Odo expected to find a furious prylar, perhaps a few panicked worshippers from the sight of the orb. It actually would have been a blessing, it might have detracted from his unquenchable urge to damage the small room. How could Kira's gods do this to her? to them? Even after he had asked for their help. "Funny, I don't see a benevolent Prophet walking with either of us right now," Odo snapped sarcastically to the candles. Only the candles weren't the only ears the words fell on. "That is because you know not what to look for, my child." Odo turned to face the prylar. "And I suppose you can tell me?" "My child, I can sense now that your pagh is strong, but you must open yourself to the Prophets before they can help you save her. Your answers lie with the orb," he continued, indicating the still open box. Odo turned and was mesmerized by the pinpoint of light still glimmering in the otherwise darkened hourglass. Perhaps because he was not Bajoran, the Prophets could not reach him -- but he could reach them. He extended an arm, moving slowly closer and closer to the orb until finally his fingers rested upon its surface. He reached for the point of light, picking it gently from the hourglass and internalizing it. Suddenly there was a great flash of light, and the hourglass was once again its original form. Carefully closing the case, Odo rose from his knees before backing away and leaving. It certainly had been an interesting orb experience. --- That night, Odo made a restless sleep on the floor next to Kira's bed. Turbulent as his mind was with the images of his orb experience he did not want to disturb Kira's rest any more than he already did by his mere presence. What he did not realize was that by contacting even if so briefly with the Prophets, he had connected himself to Kira through that common faith. And in her sleep, Kira's dreams revealed to her a vision of sorts. Each night there had been the same dream of which she had spoken to no one of. It was a falling dream, one in which she was faced with the worst of decisions: to survive, she must grasp one supportive hand -- Odo's or that of the Prophets. Each night she struggled with this indecision. Each night she fell endlessly. Each night she woke herself, tangled in sweat drenched sheets that seemed to weigh her down incessantly. Last night had been different. Last night she had made a leap of faith and chosen Odo, put her hand in his, the feel of their clasp so familiar. But that familiarity had quickly melted away as Odo shifted and became the Foundress. "He will never love you," she said. "How could he? You are a *solid*." She had hardly been able to wake herself from that one. Perhaps tonight then ... tonight she would chose her faith in the Prophets. The very thought sent a shiver down her spine, to turn her back on Odo -- and yet so many obstacles lay in choosing him. How could she ever hope to compete with the Great Link when she herself found it alluring enough to be tempted to forsake a child for? So she chose the Prophets. There was infinite sadness even as the pain was washed away. Even as the hesitations and doubts were smoothed over, there was an ache. Kira crouched in on herself, a sharp desolate pang throughout her pagh. And then there was a hand on her shoulder, a hand that belonged to a set of eyes that smiled at her. And in the other hand that belonged to those eyes was a small point of light, being offered up as the precious jewel it represented. Odo's faith, a connecting point allowing her to choose both and still be carried safely. A bridge to span her leap of faith. Kira awoke suddenly, reaching for the one who had spent so many nights and so much time by her side. Only he wasn't there. Kira stepped out of bed, almost tripping over him. Odo. She crouched down, crawling onto him before curling up. It took a moment for him to cocoon his love and protect her from any other restless dreams. And somehow, despite the absence of any physical link, he reminded her of her own words to their child: Remember there is always love. --- The End