The BLTS Archive - Love series
#1: To Live Is to Love
by Kym H (hamilton@altu.net.au)

---

This is my second attempt at fan-fic.  My first attempt remains
incomplete,  but this one seems to have made it to the end.  Comments
are welcome, but  please, no flames.

This is a love story, pure and simple.  It contains nothing more
explicit than  a simple kiss, but if men kissing men offends you, then
read no further.  Likewise, if you are under 18, read no further.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Paramount.  I'm just borrowing
for them  for this story.  Please don't sue me.

The song "I Won't Send Roses" from the musical "Mack and Mabel"
belongs to  Jerry Herman and I apologise for changing the lyrics
slightly.

This story is set about three weeks after 'The Chute', and before
anything  else.

Enjoy :)

---
Chakotay muttered a curse under his breath.  He didn't know how he was
going  to get through another shift.  Still, he'd made it through
shift after shift  for nearly three weeks now.  Ever since Tom had
been falsely accused and  thrown into that Akitirian prison.  He'd
realised then how much Tom meant to him, but he also knew that Tom
would never, ever feel that way about him.  Chakotay smiled grimly.
Still, a man could dream, couldn't he?  As Chakotay  stared at the
back of Tom's golden head, he dreamed.  He could see that head  on his
chest, tousling that golden hair with his fingers, he could feel that
perfect, sensual mouth moving over his chest and trailing slowly down
to his...

Chakotay groaned silently.  He was too old to have such thoughts and
he was Tom's commanding officer.  Damn!  He was going to have to  get
control of himself if he was going to make it through the shift.  Next
to him, Janeway was surreptitiously watching her First Officer.  She
was growing concerned for him.  Ever since the incident at Akitiria
he'd been  distracted, he seemed... unfocused.

And he kept staring at Lieutenant Paris.  Well, this had been going
on too long.  "Commander."

Chakotay  appeared not to have heard her.

She tried again  "Commander."

Again, he ignored her.

Janeway gritted her teeth and snapped, "Commander!"

Chakotay started.  He turned to face his Captain and saw the look of
irritated patience on her face.  "Yes, Captain?" he replied. 

"Commander, I would like to speak with you in my ready room, please." 
Janeway left her chair and headed for her ready room, Chakotay close
behind.

Chakotay knew he was in trouble when Janeway sat in her chair, braced
her elbows on her desk and frowned at him over her steepled fingers. 
"You wanted  to talk to me, Captain?"

"Yes, Commander."

Chakotay waited in silence.  He knew what was coming.

"Commander, what exactly is your problem?  Your performance on the
bridge has been less than satisfactory.  Your concentration is non-
existent and you keep staring at Lieutenant Paris."

This was going to be bad.  He knew she'd noticed his lack of
concentration, but Chakotay didn't think anyone had noticed he
kept staring at Paris.  Chakotay sighed.  "Its not going to be easy
to explain, Captain."

"Try, Commander.  Try."

"Very well, Captain," was Chakotay's reply.  He decided to let the
Captain have it.  After all, she did ask.  It was childish, he knew,
but then what's the point of being grown-up if you can't be childish
sometimes?  Chakotay took a deep breath and blurted out "I think I'm
in love with Tom Paris."

Janeway's eyebrows shot up.  This certainly wasn't what she was
expecting.

Chakotay noted her surprise with a certain perverse satisfaction.  She
wasn't expecting that, he thought smugly.  It was childish - but it
made him feel  better.  For a few minutes at least.

"Well Commander, that not exactly what I expected to hear."  Janeway
sounded a little faint.

"I could tell, Captain," Chakotay replied dryly, a hint of humour
lacing his tone.

"So tell me Commander, why do you think you're in love with Lieutenant
Paris?"

"Oh, I don't know, Captain," Chakotay replied lightly.  "Maybe because
I dream about him every night - when I can sleep, that is.  Maybe
because I can't eat or concentrate properly.  Maybe because everytime
he goes on an away mission, I worry about him more than I should. 
Maybe because when he was in that Akitirian prison I nearly died
myself out of fear for him.  Maybe because I know I'd kill myself if
he ever died."

"Those are an awful lot of 'maybes', Commander"

"Maybe so, Captain."

Janeway smiled in spite of herself.  "May I make a suggestion,
Commander?"

"As if I could stop you, Captain."  Chakotay's tone was one of amused 
surrender.

"Tell Lieutenant Paris how you feel."

Chakotay groaned audibly.  "How did I know you were going to suggest
that, Captain?"  He continued, "I can't, Captain.  I just have to try
to forget about  him."

Janeway gave a long-suffering sigh and looked directly at her First
Officer.  "He'll find out sooner or later.  Don't you think its better
that he hear it from you - and not over the gossip grapevine?" 

Chakotay met that direct stare and answered steadily, "Tom Paris will
never, ever love me.  I know that, Kathryn."

Chakotay surprised them both with the use of the Captain's first name.

"How can you know, Chakotay?"

Chakotay sighed.  "Ever since the Caretaker's array was destroyed and
we became  one crew, I've hated him - and I've let him know it.  How
can I turn around and tell him I love him?  What am I supposed to
say? 'Hey Tom! Guess what? I know I said I hated you, but I really
love you.  Will you go out with me?'  He'd probably throw me out on my
backside."

Janeway smiled knowingly.  "You never hated him, Chakotay.  You loved
him all the time.  You couldn't admit it, though, so you turned it
into hate."

Chakotay gave a mournful sigh and whispered, "You're probably right." 

Janeway continued, "Then Tom was thrown in the Akitirian prison and
his death became very probable.  So you were forced to confront your
true feelings."

"How did you get to be so smart, Kathryn?" Chakotay teased, his face
lighting up in a grin.

"I'm the Captain," Janeway replied dryly.  And that was the end of the
conversation.

---

Chakotay appeared to have his emotions under control and his
performance improved considerably over the next few weeks.  But
Janeway was still worried.  When he thought no-one was watching, his
gaze would inevitably slide to Tom Paris, then he would sigh and slip
back into form.

---

Tom Paris was at the Conn, his fingers flying over the controls as he
piloted Voyager on her long journey home.  Despite rumours to the
contrary, Thomas  Eugene Paris was not just a cocky young pilot who
had sailed through Starfleet Academy on his father's wake.  He was a
brilliant young man who, when he wished, could argue history,
philosophy and quantum mechanics with the best of them.  Tom just
didn't want to.  It was boring.  Flying was what he loved, what he
excelled at.  Flying was what Tom Paris had been born to do, and he
threw himself into it - heart and soul.  And flying Voyager was a joy
he couldn't describe.  She was so responsive.  The slightest touch
and she went this way.  A different touch, and she went that way.  He
could do things he never dreamed were possible.  But lately - it was
different.  Something wasn't right.  Something wasn't right on the
bridge.  Something had changed and he couldn't quite figure out what.
It hovered on the edge of his consciousness, just out of range.  But
Tom knew that trying to  force it would only make it harder to figure
it out.  So he forget about it and concentrated on Voyager.  Then the
whistle sounded to signal the end of the Alpha shift and Tom gave up
his post to Ensign Batehart.  For some reason, he was relieved to be
off the Bridge.  Chakotay joined him in the turbo-lift and the
feeling of relief vanished.

Tom ordered "Deck 4".  The turbo-lift glided smoothly to its decision. 
Chakotay didn't say anything.  Tom was surprised.  But he didn't
comment.  Still, it seemed like hours before the turbo-lift doors
opened on Deck 4 and Tom was growing increasingly aware of the
Commander's presence.  The turbo-lift seemed to be shrinking.  Either
that, thought Tom, or Chakotay's getting bigger.  Finally, the turbo-
lift doors opened onto Deck 4 and Tom stepped out,  breathing a sigh
of relief.  It had been getting almost claustrophobic in there!

As he walked toward his quarters, it suddenly hit him.  *That* was
what was wrong with the bridge!  Chakotay was wrong!  It was the way
he kept staring at him.  That was what was wrong!  Chakotay hated him,
but he was staring at him constantly.  He'd stare at him and then look
away and then stare again.  But why?  Why would he... Oh no!  It
can't be!! Can it?  Chakotay was attracted to him.

Tom whistled in astonishment.  He simply couldn't believe it. 
Chakotay?  Attracted?  To him?  Then Tom grinned in mischief. 
Chakotay had done nothing but profess to hate him since Tom had saved
his life.  He'd been scrupulously fair, but Tom hadn't missed the
subtle jibes, the faint sarcasm  and the looks.  Oh yes.  This was
going to so much fun!

Tom pulled up short.  What was he thinking about?  Revenge?  Revenge
for what?   Sure, Chakotay hadn't exactly been friendly but tormenting
the man like this?  It was hardly fair... Tom grinned evilly.  No, it
wasn't fair.  It was justice.

Tom entered his quarters and immediately headed for the shower.  A
nice hot shower and then - justice.  Tom grinned to himself again.

---

That evening, Chakotay was seated at his usual table in the mess hall,
trying to digest something pink - and grey - when Tom Paris walked
in.  Chakotay's breath caught.  Tom was wearing a pair of tight black
jeans and a sapphire shirt that showed off his perfect body - right
down to the last detail.  The vibrant colour of the shirt made his
blue eyes sparkle enticingly.  And he was headed right for the
Commander.

"May I talk to you a moment, Commander?"

'In that outfit, you can do whatever you want to me, Lieutenant,'
Chakotay  thought.  Aloud, he replied "Certainly, Lieutenant.  What
can I do for you?"

Taking the opposite seat, Tom leaned over and whispered,  "You can
tell me why you keep staring at me on the Bridge."

The Commander's reaction was immediate.  He nearly jumped out of his 
skin.  Tom just sat there, grinning for all he was worth, enjoying the 
devastating effect he'd had on the usually calm and controlled
Commander.

"I beg your pardon, Lieutenant?"

Tom grinned even harder at the Commander's flustered tone.  He was 
really enjoying this.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, Lieutenant."  
Chakotay got up.  "If you'll excuse me?"  Without waiting for a reply, 
Chakotay dumped the rest of his meal into the disposal unit and
hurried out of the mess hall.  When he reached the turbo-lift, he
sighed with relief.  He needed to think.  He needed a drink.  He
needed someplace quiet, someplace  dark.  Of course! The very place!
Chakotay asked, "Computer, is Holodeck One currently in use?" 

"Negative," the computer replied.

"Holodeck One is currently inactive."  Chakotay had thought so.  It
was too late for the Alpha shift  - and too early for the Gamma
shift.  He ordered the turbo-lift "Holodeck One."

Tom Paris was in the mess hall, trying to eat his dinner.  Paris' was
brown - and yellow.  He wasn't quite sure what he was eating, but he
couldn't keep the grin off his face.  Chakotay had run like a scared
rabbit.  

B'Elanna and Harry entered the mess hall and Tom waved them over. 
They picked up their meals and joined him.  B'Elanna was the first to
speak.  "Okay,  Paris, spill it," she ordered.

"Spill what, B'Elanna?"  Tom asked innocently.

"Hah! Don't give me that innocent look, Paris.  You look like the 
proverbial cat who's swallowed the cream."

"Why, what a thing to say, B'Elanna."  Paris looked even more innocent 
than ever.

"C'mon Tom, tell us what's going on," Harry chimed in. 

Tom just grinned and whispered conspiratorially, "Lets just say it has
something to do with a certain Indian Commander."  And, winking at
them, he  dumped the remainder of his meal in the disposal unit and
left the mess hall, whistling to himself.

Once he was outside, Tom ordered, "Computer, locate Commander 
Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in Holodeck One."

Tom grinned to himself.  Sandrine's.  "Computer, has privacy lock been 
engaged?"

"Negative.  Privacy lock is not engaged."

Grinning wickedly, Tom headed for the turbo-lift and Holodeck One.   

---

Chakotay sighed as he leaned against Sandrine's bar.  "Give me a shot
of whisky, Sandrine."

"Oui, mon Commander."  Sandrine's voice was soothing as she poured him 
a shot of Jack Daniels.

Chakotay was so engrossed in his own thoughts as he nursed his drink
that he failed to notice Tom Paris enter the Holodeck and order the
computer to engage the privacy lock.

"I'll have whatever the Commander's having, Sandrine."

"Thomas!  Welcome, ma petit cherie."

Tom's voice startled Chakotay out of his reverie.  He turned to the
young man and said, "Lieutenant, I'm really not in the mood for any of
your games, so just lay off."

Tom looked at him innocently.  "Games, Commander?  What games?" 

Chakotay had suddenly had it.  He picked up his glass and threw it 
straight at the mirror behind the bar.  As the holographic glass
shattered, he  shouted, "Dammit, you little punk!!  Don't play stupid
with me!  I know exactly  what you're doing and I'm warning you to
stop it!!"

Tom started.  He had never seen Chakotay so mad.  Not even when Seska 
had betrayed Voyager.  Suddenly, this wasn't so funny anymore.  Tom
reached out and laid a hand on Chakotay's shoulder.  His voice was
serious as he asked, "Tell me, Chakotay.  Tell me why you can't keep
your eyes off me on the  bridge.  Tell me."

"I... I... "

"Tell me, Chakotay." Tom's voice was gentle.

"I... I... I can't."  Chakotay felt helpless and he didn't like it.  
He looked desperately around the room, as if searching for answers. 
Then he spotted his answer.  He looked at Sandrine, his eyes asking 
permission.  She nodded.  Chakotay turned to Tom and said clearly, "I
can't tell you.  Not in the normal way.  But perhaps I can tell you in
a different way."  His gaze slid over to the corner.

Tom followed Chakotay's gaze and nodded, understanding.  It was how 
he'd do it as well.  He looked back at Chakotay and smiled gently.
Chakotay got up and walked over to sit at the piano.  He let his hands
hover over the keys for a moment and then they descended and Chakotay
played.  Tom listened in wonder as a haunting love song poured over
him,  Chakotay's baritone giving life to the lyrics.

--
"I won't send roses, or hold the door.
I won't remember which clothes you wore.
My heart is too much in control; the lack of romance in my soul.
Will turn you grey, kid.
So stay away, kid.

Forget my shoulder, when you're in need.
Forgetting birthdays is guaranteed.
And should I love you you would be the last to know.
I won't send roses and roses suit you so.

My pace is frantic, my temper's cross.

With words romantic, I'm at a loss.
I'd be the first one to agree, that I'm preoccupied with me.
And it's inbred, kid.
So keep your head, kid.

In me you'll find things like guts and nerve.
But not the kind things that you deserve.
And so while there's a fighting chance, just turn and go.
I won't send roses and roses suit you so.
--

Chakotay looked directly at Tom as he turned from the keys, the last
note fading away.  Tom looked at Chakotay.  They just looked at each
other for the longest time.  Not moving, never saying a word.  Then
Tom leaned forward and kissed Chakotay.  The kiss was gentle,
accepting and understanding and it took Chakotay's breath away.  He
responded by deepening the kiss.  Their tongues met, danced and
twisted, and the kiss seemed to last forever.  But there was no time,
not for them.  The world didn't exist, all their thoughts, all their
emotions, were wholly consumed by this single kiss.  Finally, Tom
broke away.  He was breathing rapidly and his pupils were dilated. 
He stared at Chakotay for a minute, then turned and left the
Holodeck.

---
The End (maybe.....:))