The BLTS Archive - Love series #2: To Love Is To Live by Kym H (hamilton@altu.net.au) --- This is the sequel to 'To Live Is To Love'. I hope it measures up. I've taken some liberties with the characters but thats just me. As before, comments are welcome, but please, no flames. Oh, and if you want to post this story somewhere, come talk to me first. I'll probably say 'yes!' but we have to go through all the tedious legalities, y' know. Unlike the previous story, this one does contain sex, so if you are under 18 read no further. Likewise, if male/male sex offends you, read no further. Disclaimer: Paramounts own these characters and their ship. I'm just borrowing them for the afternoon. Please don't sue me. "Being Alive" belongs to Stephen Sondheim and the musical 'Company' --- A week had passed since that kiss in Sandrine's and Tom still wasn't sure what was going on. Chakotay seemed to be acting normally, and, from the latest efficiency ratings, it seemed his work performance was better than ever. However, in a reversal of fortune, Tom's job performance was slipping daily. He was missing orders and his response time was down. Janeway was worried about him. First her First Officer and now her Conn Officer. She wasn't liking this at all. Not at all. "Mister Paris." He didn't respond. She tried again. "Mister Paris." No response. "Mister Paris!!" she snapped. Tom nearly leapt out of his chair. He turned and asked in a breathless voice, "Yes, Captain?" "I would like to see you in my ready room at the end of your shift, Mister Paris." "Aye, Aye, Captain." Tom cursed silently to himself. He was in for it now. Damn!! Ever since that kiss in Sandrine's he hadn't been able to concentrate properly. And the worst part was that Chakotay seemed totally unaffected. Curse the man! It wasn't fair! Tom glowered at Chakotay and the Commander seemed not to notice. But Harry Kim did. The Captain wasn't the only one worried about Tom. Harry was too. He didn't like the way Tom had been acting lately. He wouldn't go near Sandrine's and, when Harry could convince him to come to the resort program, he didn't do anything but sit there and brood. He wasn't flirting with the Delaney sisters, or making outrageous comments about B'Elanna and the warp core and Harry hardly ever saw that flyboy hotshot smile on his face anymore. Harry made up his mind to talk to Tom as soon as possible. This couldn't go on. He just wasn't Tom anymore. Chakotay was also worried. And feeling guilty. If he hadn't forced the issue with Tom, if he had've controlled his emotions better, Tom would never have known about his feelings and would never have felt sorry him enough to have kissed him on the Holodeck. Then Tom's performance wouldn't have been affected and he wouldn't be in trouble with the Captain. Just then, the whistle sounded to signal the end of the Alpha shift and Chakotay watched as Tom was relieved by Ensign Batehart and walked towards the Captain's ready room. Tom could feel Chakotay's eyes on him as he entered the Captain's ready room and he felt strangely comforted. He sat down in front of the Captain's desk and prepared himself for the lecture. But the Captain surprised him. "What happened between you and Commander Chakotay?" Tom was startled and asked, "What do you mean, Captain?" "You know very well what I mean, Tom. What happened?" "Its kind of hard to explain, Captain." Janeway put her head in her hands and groaned. "Not you too, Tom." Tom stared at her, wondering what she meant. "Just tell me, Tom," she continued. "Well... we had a... discussion on the holodeck and then Chakotay played me a song on Sandrine's piano and then we... sort of..." Tom seemed to be reluctant to finish the sentence. "You sort of what, Tom?" "Sort of... kissed, Captain." Janeway's eyebrows shot up. 'These past few weeks have been so *full* of surprises' she though to herself. Aloud she said, "I take it you both enjoyed the kiss?" Tom blushed - Janeway hadn't even known he *could* blush. "Well, Captain, I can't speak for Commander Chakotay, but *I* definitely enjoyed it." "So what's the problem, Tom?' Tom snorted. "*He* didn't, Captain." Tom was all but shouting now. "I get all hot and bothered about it - to the point where I'm almost flying Voyager in circles - and *he* just sits in that chair of his with his life going on as normal! As if it didn't even *mean* anything to him!! *That's* the problem, Captain. That's the problem." Tom was pacing up and down in front of Janeway's desk, getting more and more agitated. Janeway had never seen him so upset. His arms were in the air and he was shouting so loud she could barely hear herself think. "Calm down, Tom," she soothed. Tom stopped pacing and sat down, his head hanging forward wearily. "Tom, I don't see that I have any other choice here. I'm taking you off duty for two weeks. And in that time I want you and Chakotay to work this out... whatever *this* is. Is that clear?" "But Captain," Tom protested. "Is that clear?" "Yes, ma'am." "Good. Dismissed." Tom left the bridge with a dejected look on his face. It nearly broke Chakotay's heart to see him like that. Then his comm-badge beeped. "Janeway to Chakotay." "Yes, Captain." "I'd like to see you in my ready room, please Commander. Now." Janeway's tone left little room for argument, so Chakotay did as he was ordered. "You wanted to see me about something, Captain?" Chakotay asked as he entered her ready room. "Yes, Commander. Have a seat." She gestured to the chair in front of the desk. "Thank you, Captain." Chakotay sighed inwardly. This was *not* going to be easy. "Chakotay, will you please tell me why you are ignoring Lieutenant Paris?' Chakotay was startled. He shouldn't have been though. Captain Janeway knew everything that went on aboard her ship. Everything. Chakotay sighed. "I... don't want to force him into anything, Captain. I don't want to overwhelm him." "Its a little late for that, Commander." Janeway's voice was amused. "He's already overwhelmed... and confused, and frustrated, and in love with you. Although... he doesn't know about the last bit yet." Chakotay was too stunned to say anything. Paris? In love with *him*? No. It couldn't be. But Chakotay knew the Captain was an expert at reading people's emotions. If she said Tom Paris was in love with him, then he knew he was. The Captain interrupted his thoughts. "Commander, until the two of you work this out, I can't have either of you on the Bridge. I've given Tom two weeks off and now I'm giving you the same." She held up a hand to forestall his protest. "My decision is final, Commander. Two weeks, starting now. Dismissed." Chakotay nodded resignedly. He knew better than to try to budge the Captain when she was in her stubborn mood. In the turbo-lift, Chakotay thought about what the captain had said. Paris? In love? With him? He couldn't possibly be. Tom was a ladies man, a flirt - Hell, he'd probably slept with half the women on the ship already. There was no way Tom Paris would be in love with him. But... Janeway had said he was and Janeway was never wrong about how people felt. She could read a person's body language like a book. Chakotay sighed and made his decision. "Computer, location of Lieutenant Paris?" "Lieutenant Paris is in his quarters." Chakotay smiled. Good. Better to approach Tom on his own ground. He'd feel safer. --- Thomas Eugene Paris was frustrated, annoyed, nervous, jumpy and irritable. At least on the bridge he'd had something to focus on. Work had kept him relatively sane. Now he had nothing to concentrate on, nothing to help him push away the emotions. Then the door chime sounded. Impatiently, he called 'Enter'. And nearly had a heart attack when Chakotay walked in. "What the hell do you want?!" Tom ground out fiercely. Chakotay looked startled. Paris was looking very angry and Chakotay hesitated, unsure whether or not to proceed. "I... I... wanted to invite you to dinner in my quarters tonight." "What for?!" The sheer venom in the question threw Chakotay off for a minute. "I need to talk to you. Captain Janeway's suspended me from duty for two weeks in the hope that you and I resolve our... problem. So I thought we might start by talking in a less formal atmosphere..." Chakotay's voice trailed off. He felt so idiotic, so helpless, so... Chakotay sighed. He wasn't handling this at *all* well. Then Tom surprised him. "Alright, 'Kotay. I'll have dinner with you. What time?" Chakotay blinked, not sure he'd heard Tom correctly. "'Kotay?" "Er.. 1900 hours?" "I'll be there." Chakotay felt relieved. His thoughts immediately flew to his quarters - they were a mess. And food. What would they have? "I'll see you then, Tom." Chakotay practically ran out of Paris' quarters and headed for the turbo-lift at top speed. Ensign Kim gave him a startled look as he flew by, but he didn't stop. Harry stopped outside Tom's quarter's and rang the door chime. He head Tom's cheery voice call out 'Enter'. Harry walked in and immediately flung himself on the couch, mimicking Tom's gesture whenever he came to Harry's quarters. "Okay, Tom. Give." "Give what, Harry?" Tom was all blue eyed, little boy lost, wide eyed innocence. Harry snorted, unimpressed. "You know exactly what I'm talking about, Tom. So don't pretend you don't. I want to know why you walked off the bridge this morning looking like the Captain had shot your best friend and why, now, you look like someone just handed a you a million bars of gold-pressed latinum." Tom put down the guitar he had been idly strumming and smiled at Harry beautifically, looking more innocent than ever. "Tom...." Harry warned in his 'tell-me-or-you'll-regret-it-cause-I'm-losing-patience' tone. Tom took pity on his friend and said casually. "Oh, Chakotay just asked me to dinner tonight, that's all." "*That's all?!!*" Harry looked as if he'd been hit by a freight train. Tom couldn't help but laugh at the sight. Harry was startled by Tom's laughter, but then he realised that he must look pretty silly and he started laughing too. When he sobered, Harry looked directly at Tom and asked, "Why didn't you tell me there was something going on between you and the Commander?" Tom smiled and replied, "I did." "You did *not*," Harry argued, accusatorily. "I *did*, Harry. You just weren't paying attention." Harry started to argue again but then Tom continued. "Remember that day in the mess hall?" "Oh, yeah," Harry said, his brow creasing in concentration as he recalled that day. He'd asked Tom why he looked like the cat who'd just pinched the cream and Tom had said something about it having to do with a certain Indian Commander... "But still," Harry protested. "That wasn't exactly *telling* me. And it still doesn't explain why you've been moping around for the past few weeks. What happened when you went after the Commander that night, Tom?" Tom's face went blank momentarily, he was obviously struggling with memories he didn't want to recall. Then he sighed and answered, "Chakotay kissed me, Harry." "*What!?!*" "You heard me, Harry." "Yeah, but... how could you not tell me this?! We've always talked about this sort of thing before." "Yeah, we have Harry. But this is different." Tom sounded sad. "How it is different?" Harry asked gently. "Because I love him, Harry. That 'can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, always thinking of you' kind of love." "Oh, no!" "That's all you can say?" Tom sounded amused, he spoke in a self-deprecating tone. "I pour my heart out to you and all you can say is 'Oh, no'?" "Well... " Harry sounded a little flustered. "Its okay, Har'. I was a bit like that when I first realised it myself." "Well, Tom. If you're sure its *that* kind of love, you should do something about it. That's my advice." "Oh, really? And is that an old Chinese saying? If you love someone, do something about it?" Tom's voice was faintly sarcastic and Harry knew he was being teased. So he just sat there, looking dignified and wise. Tom burst out laughing at Harry's mannerisms. "As a matter of fact, o' wise one, I was planning to do just that at dinner tonight." "Good." Harry said firmly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Harry...?" "What for?" "Harry, Harry... I've got a date tonight and I need to look my best. That means several hours of preparation. And since I don't want to be late, I' d better get started." Harry laughed again, and, hugging his friend good bye, left. Tom had been lying about the preparations though. There wasn't much he could do except shower, wash his hair, brush his teeth and hair and get dressed. He just wanted to be alone and he hadn't wanted to hurt Harry's feelings by asking him to leave just like that. Lying back on the bed, he set his alarm for 1730 and promptly went to sleep. Well, he really *hadn't* been getting much sleep lately. --- Nineteen hundred hours Chakotay had been running around his quarters non-stop for several hours. First, he had to tidy up. He hadn't realised that his quarters were so messy. But there were clothes strewn all over the floor, furniture knocked over (he preferred to take his temper out on the furniture rather than certain members of the crew), and dust everywhere. First things first, he thought. The clothes and then the furniture. Gathering up all the clothes, he dumped them into the fresher and, while they were being cleaned, started to pick up the furniture. When the tables and chairs were upright and the ornaments in place, he replicated some furniture polish and began to rub down the furniture until it sparkled. Next, the dust. A lot of it was from his clothes. They picked up all sorts of dirt and dust from nearly every planet Voyager's crew visited. He had the computer run a suction sweep over the quarters. Then he thought about what to wear. Hmmm. The purple shirt? No. It had never really suited him anyway, he'd only bought it because he liked the colour. What about the blue? No. Definitely not. Chances were Tom would be wearing blue and he didn't want to wear the same thing as Tom. That left the green and the red. He held both of them up to this chest, trying to decide between the vibrant emerald green and the calm marone red. Finally, he decided on the red. It looked better than the green. Pulling the shirt on, he gazed in the mirror at the overall effect. Black pants made the dark red colour stand out more and the gold earring he fastened in one ear made him look devilishly sexy. Not too bad for a middle-aged fool, he thought to himself. Not too bad at all. Suddenly, the door chime sounded. Chakotay turned and called out "Enter." The door opened and Chakotay just stared at the vision before him. Tom Paris was wearing those tight black jeans of his again. Over the top of them, he wore the silk shirt of brilliant sapphire blue that matched his beautiful blue eyes perfectly. He was barefoot, as was Chakotay, and around his ankle was a silver chain. "Are you going to ask me in, or what?" Tom's voice was amused and it startled Chakotay out of his reverie. "Of course, Tom. Come in." "Thanks, 'Kotay." Tom stepped nervously into the room. Chakotay gestured to the table and Tom sat down, waiting. Chakotay sauntered over to the replicator and returned with two plates of steaming hot food. Tom's mouth began to water at the smell. He watched as Chakotay put the plates on the table and sat down. "Tonight, I present my speciality. Roast beef with gravy and mint sauce, fresh beans wrapped in bacon, roast potato with sour cream and chives and carrots with honey. Enjoy" Tom didn't need to be told twice. He hadn't been eating much for several weeks and the delicious aromas emanating from the plate made him ravenous. He attacked the meal like a man who hadn't seen food for a year. After a few minutes he heard Chakotay chuckling. He looked up, frowned and asked, "What?" "Its nice to see my cooking appreciated is all," Chakotay replied with a good humoured glint in his eye. "Oh, I *do* appreciate it, Chakotay. I do." Tom's voice hinted at something other than the food, but Chakotay couldn't figure out what. They both finished their meal in silence and when Chakotay had cleared the remains of dessert (Black Forest Cake with brandy sauce, whipped cream and cherries) away, both men moved to the couch with their coffee. Chakotay had noticed that Tom had brought a guitar case with him. He was curious as to why, but he wanted to talk to Tom about their other... problems first. "Tom." "Chakotay." "Tom... I... we... have to talk about this." "What 'this' are you referring to, Chakotay?" Tom's voice was coy. "You know perfectly well what I mean, Tom. We need to talk about the... kiss." Tom snorted. "You can barely say it and you want to talk about it?! Get real, Chakotay!" "Tom...?" "Look, Chakotay, I'll make it easier on you. It happened, you're sorry. Right? It was... temporary insanity. You didn't know what you were doing when you sat down at that piano. You sang the wrong song. You're sorry and it'll never happen again, right?" "No!!" Chakotay was screaming. "I *did* know what I was doing. I *did* sing the right song and I *wasn't* insane!! And in case you're forgetting, *you* kissed *me*, not the other way around! Why did you *do* that?! Do you regret it!?!" "Calm down, Chakotay," Tom soothed. "Well, do you regret it?" Chakotay's screaming had subsided and he appeared to be his usual calm self. "To answer your questions, I kissed you because of what I thought you told me in that song and no, I don't regret it. Not at all." "And what did you think I was telling you with that song?" Chakotay's voice held curiosity... and hope. "I *thought* you were telling me you loved me but that you thought you were too old for me." "Yes, Tom. That's exactly what I was telling you. I was also telling you not to get involved with a middle-aged fool like me, so why did you kiss me." Tom's eyes sparkled at that. He said mischeviously "Ahh, the answer to *that* question is in here." He gestured to the guitar case as he spoke. Chakotay's eyes widened. "Why am I reminded of those old 20th century gangster movies? Are you going to shoot me?" his voice was light, teasing. "Nah, Chakotay. I don't have a tommy-gun in here, only a guitar." And with that, Tom opened the guitar and pulled out a simple wooden guitar. Then he looked directly at Chakotay and grinned, saying, "I had to eat Neelix's cooking for two weeks to save enough replicator rations for this baby - I hope you appreciate the sacrifice." Chakotay smiled, but was startled when Tom began to play. God! The man had a fabulous voice!! -- "Someone to hold you too close. Someone to hurt you too deep. Someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep. Someone to need you too much. Someone to know you too well. Someone to pull you up short, to put you through hell. Someone you have to let in. Someone whose feelings you spare. Someone who like it or not, will want you to share. A little, a lot. Someone to crowd you with love. Someone to force you to care. Someone to make you come through, who'll always be there. As frightened as you, of being alive. Being alive. Being alive. Being alive. Somebody hold me too close. Somebody hurt me too deep. Somebody sit in my chair, and ruin my sleep. And make me aware Of being alive, being alive. Somebody need me too much. Somebody know me too well. Somebody pull me up short and put me through hell. And give me support for being alive. Make me alive. Make me confused. Mock me with praise. Let me be used. There in my days. But alone is alone. Not alive. Somebody crowd me with love. Somebody force me to care. Somebody let me come through. I'll always be there, as frightened as you. To help us survive, being alive, being alive Being alive" -- As the last note faded away, Chakotay was surprised to feel tears rolling down his cheeks. The song was so sad, but the longing in Tom's voice made it even more so. Tom looked at him and asked, "Does that answer your question?" Chakotay brushed the tears away and replied "Yes, I think so. You kissed me because you love me and need me, yes?" "YES!" It was an exhilirant shout. Tom launched himself at Chakotay, kissing him hard. Chakotay opened his mouth to Tom's searching tongue and kissed him back, deeply, passionately. They kissed forever. Finally, Tom had to come up for air. He wrenched away form Chakotay, his face flushed with passion and his breath coming a quick, gulping gasps. Still breathing heavily, his fingers were busy with Chakotay's shirt. Making short work of the buttons, he pushed the soft red material down Chakotay's arms, letting it fall to floor. His eyes were distant as he gazed over the perfection that was Chakotay. It was like looking at a statue of Adonis. Bronze skin over perfect musculature. Tom groaned and bent his head to nibble lightly at Chakotay's right nibble. Taking his cue from the moaning sounds coming from above him, Tom shifted his mouth the left nipple, nibbling and sucking while his hand pinched and teased the other one. Chakotay's hands gripped Tom's hair, urging him on. Tom obligingly intensified his movement, sucking harder. Just when Chakotay thought he couldn't stand anymore, Tom moved his mouth downward, planting soft kisses all over his chest and belly. But as he continued he ran into the barrier of his Chakotay's pants. Growling in frustration, Tom used his teeth to unbuckle Chakotay's belt and used his tongue to pop each of the buttons. Pop. Pop. Pop. Finally there was a rasping sound as the zipper went down. The pants fell to the ground, leaving Chakotay naked. "Ooooh, no underwear, Chakotay? Who would have thought?" Tom's light, teasing tone sent shivers down Chakotay's spine. Then all thoughts fled as Tom's mouth continued its downward journey, his mouth between Chakotay's legs as he placed kisses on the inside of his thighs. "Tom..." the voice held a desperate, warning note. "Yes, 'Kotay?" "I... I... I..." "Tell me, 'Kotay," Tom's voice commanded. "I won't do it until you tell me to." "I... want... I... want you to..." "To what, 'Kotay?" "To suck my cock, Tom." "Your wish is my command, 'Kotay." And with that, Tom took Chakotay's *very* erect cock deep into his mouth. 'Damn!' thought Chakotay. 'Where did he learn to do that?' Chakotay moaned as Tom's mouth worked its magic on his cock. His tongue working its way up and down, stopping briefly to suck, and then stroking up and down again, his teeth nipping gently at the head from time to time. It was the most exquisite torture Chakotay had ever gone through. Tom would take him to the brink, and then bring him down again. It drove him crazy. Hell! *Tom* drove him crazy! Chakotay's hands clutched Tom's head and screamed as, with one long suck, he came. Tom greedily drank the cum, revelling in the thick, slightly salty essence that was his lover. He looked up at Chakotay's face, flushed with passion, grinned and asked coyly "How was it for you?" Chakotay looked down at Tom's grinning face and said, "Good... But not good enough" Tom looked hurt, pain showing in those big blue eyes of his. 'He looks good enough to eat,' thought Chakotay and hastened to reassure his lover. "What I meant, Tom, is that, even though that was terrific, only one thing will satisfy me completely." Tom was curious. "What's that, 'Kotay?" "Having you inside me." Tom's breath caught in his throat. "Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you know what you're asking?" "I know." Chakotay's voice was calm. Tom grinned. "Lets do it." Chakotay had researched this fully, when he realised he was in love with Tom. He figured they'd never get this far, but he'd looked into it anyway, hoping against hope. He lifted Tom to his feet and guided him into the bedroom. Standing in the middle of the darkened room, he kissed Tom lightly on the lips and proceeded to strip him. First, the blue shirt, then the jeans. As he was tugging the jeans downs, he noticed the silver anklet again. Curious, he looked up at Tom, the question evident in his eyes. Tom laughed and said "Look at the inscription on the band." Chakotay did as he was told and his eyes widened as he read 'Chakotay kil'ema.' "What does 'kil'ema' mean?" "It means 'my love forever.' That did it. Chakotay looked up at his lover's smiling face and said, quite clearly, "I love you, Tom." This time there was no song, no double meaning, nothing but the plain, unvarnished truth. Tom smiled into his lover's eyes. "I love you too, Chakotay." Chakotay was on his feet in an instant. Leading Tom over to the bed, he reached into a draw and pulled out a tube of lubricant. Handing it to Tom he said lustily, "Do it, Tom. Do it." Tom took the lubricant and Chakotay lay face down on the bed. Tom's voice brought him up short. "No, Chakotay. Roll over. I want to see your face." "Will... will it work like that?" Chakotay didn't sound at all sure. "Trust me." And with that, Tom climbed onto the bed, and began to pay homage to Chakotay's nipples again. Knowing how sensitive the man was in that particular spot, Tom used all his best moves on them. This would get Chakotay to relax and make it easier on both of them. While his mouth worked it s magic on Chakotay's chest, Tom's hand had slid down between his legs and he was gently working a finger into the big man's cleft. The first one went in no problem. As he tried to work in a second, Chakotay bucked. Tom lifted his head and asked "Are you alright?". He wasn't bothering to hide his concern. It was pretty obvious Chakotay was a virgin... at least, a virgin in *this* particular way of making love. "Hell yes! Don't stop!!" Chakotay's voice was filled with lust and longing. Tom continued to gently work his fingers in, adding a third when he felt Chakotay was ready. Even heavily coated with lubricant, his fingers didn't go in easily. Chakotay was *so* tight. "Tom!" Chakotay managed to gasp out. "I *need* you inside me. *Now*!!" Tom clasped the tube again, and coated his erect penis with lubricant. Gently, he lifted Chakotay's legs over his shoulders and brought the tip of his penis against the Indian's cleft, probing carefully. He pushed. Carefully and oh, ever so slowly, he eased his way into Chakotay. But Chakotay was having none of this careful bullshit. He pushed himself hard against, taking Tom's penis in to the hilt. Tom screamed. Chakotay screamed. Together, they began to move, establishing a rhythm as old as time itself. The rhythm of love... And each orgasmed at the same time... --- Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, on a strange planet, from out of a deep dark cave, a voice cries "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" and it is heartbreaking. It is a cry of indescribable pain, of incalculable loss. As Chakotay cradles his lover's body in his arms, he weeps for the all the things that were and all the things that might have been. --- TBC