The BLTS Archive - Walking In Her Footsteps
by Kyizi (kyizi@hotmail.com)

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Published: 03-26-01

Updated: 03-26-01

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, don't sue

Rating: U

Timeline: Season 7. This takes place directly after "Chrysalis". (the
one with Serena)

Spoilers: Up to and including "Chrysalis" (series 7)

Notes: I've only seen a scattering of episodes before series 7 (and
I've only seen up to "Chrysalis") so if there are any major
discrepancies, sorry! Also I'm not a big fan of first person writing
so this may not be all that great!

Thanx: To Laura, the fountain of DS9 knowledge!

Feedback: yup, yup, yup

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Slowly I walked walk along the promenade. Taking in all the sights,
the sounds. It's all so familiar and yet still I greet it with a kind
of wide eyed wonder. Climbing up the stairs, I head for the large
windows and soon find myself dreaming of the lives I've lived, the
memories I possess. Memories that aren't mine.

Things are beginning to get better, but I still find myself
questioning things like, what to order for lunch, why I feel queasy
when I see a shuttle craft and whether or not I should stand on my
head when I need to think! But most of all, the confusion lies with
Worf.

Now I know Jadzia would laugh at that! Well she'd laugh until he
frowned at her, then she'd give him that look, and he'd simply sigh,
shake his head and get back to whatever he was doing. And that's why
it's confusing.

I find myself going to say things to him only to remember that I
shouldn't as it'll only remind him of Jadzia, and that's when he's
actually around for long enough to talk to. I know it's difficult for
him, I understand that and I also know that he's making the effort,
but I still feel uneasy, like I have no right to be here. Like I've
stolen his wife from him and kept her memories.

I think that's the hardest thing for him, that I have her memories. I
know the things that she didn't even tell him. Not that there were
many. But I think what hurts the most is that I know everything that
was supposed to be just between him and her. I know everything she
felt, everything she said, everything he said, everything they
did...but most of all, I know everything that she dreamed.

I still find myself nervous whenever I'm near that temple. It's as if
suddenly all my dreams are stolen from me, like hers were. It even
makes me clucky at times! I know how much they wanted a child, and
Worf knows that I know how much she wants... I get so confused with
tenses. In fact make that I get confused period. I sigh.

"Penny for them."

I turn and smile as Julian joins me and together we stare at the
stars.

"It's nothing, I'm just remembering things...well actually they're not
my memories but..."

Julian laughs a little and turns to face me, leaning against the wall.
It's times like these when I remember that he was in love with Jadzia
too. And why not, Jadzia was a wonderful person. That much I do know.
Even if I didn't hold her memories, I'd be able to see it in all of
the people she left behind. Worf wasn't the only one. Even Curzon was
in love with her. A stray thought makes its way into my head...what
happens when I have to go through that ritual? What will they all
think of me? Another mistake...I shake away those thoughts and look
back at Julian. It must be so hard for him at times, and yet he's
still my friend. And right now he's smiling at me even though his eyes
are sad.

"Is she gone?" I ask him quietly, watching as his mouth twitches,
watching as he fights to keep his face neutral. He turns away from me
and sighs, staring at the stars as if they hold a special meaning.

"Yes." He whispered it so softly, I'm almost unsure that he said it at
all.

I wonder if Jadzia would know what to say, know if she should say
anything. She knew all these people so well that at times I feel like
I have stolen her life...or tried to. They all treat me like a new
friend, someone they want to get to know. But then they remember and I
can see it in their eyes. They're remembering her. And it's not like I
wish they wouldn't, because I know that she's happy that they remember
her...I mean I know that she would be happy that they remember her.

"So what are you thinking about?"

I turn to face him and I can see that he's concerned. I like that,
it's a nice feeling to know that someone cares about you. Especially
when he has so many problems of his own. He has just lost someone that
he loved...again, and yet he wants to help me with my problems.

"Nothing."

"You sure?"

"Honestly, I'm fine." I smile and he smiles back. The last thing he
needs is for me to remind him of Jadzia, he's hurting enough.

But there it is. It's in his eyes again. He's remembering her, wishing
she was here...maybe not instead of me, but still...I take a deep
breath, shaking away all my thoughts, and I smile at him, remembering
that I'm trained to handle problems.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, hoping that he trusts our new
friendship enough.

He smiles a little, sighs and looks out at the stars again, "No."

I try to smile, but all I can do is look away, look at my hands, look
at...anything.

"Oh. Well..." Why can't I think of something to say, Jadzia would
know, so would Curzon...although I'm not sure that he'd be asking in
the first place...

"But I would like it if you'd have a drink with me."

I look up and smile. He's looking back at me with a small smile of his
own. And I see it, that twinkle in his eyes, that Jadzia...no, that I
love about him. It's faint, but it's there, shining back at me. He's
not ready to talk to me. Maybe he's just not ready to talk, but he's
my friend. And that's all I need.

"I'd love to." We smile and walk towards Quark's and in the corner of
my eye, I see him watching me. But he's watching me, not looking for
her. I smile at him. It might be difficult, but maybe now it won't be
so hard. Maybe now I'll be able to stop walking in her footsteps.

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The End