The BLTS Archive- A Frozen Moment by Priti Kataria --- Disclaimer: They're not mine. But I want them to be. Archive: Yes, please... but with spoiler warnings! --- She'd been pacing for an hour. It seemed too long for just one message. Especially this one. She had *the* message saved for years. She heaved a sigh. 'Years,' she thought to herself. 'I knew, someday... ' It was a very simple message for a simple purpose. Her resignation. She had been pondering it for weeks. Seven weeks, three days, two hours and thirteen minutes, to be exact. She cursed herself for being able to calculate it so exactly. 'Damn it, Beverly... no, this *isn't* what you *want* to do, but it is what you *have* to do.' She had lost her heart. Something inside her died that day. Four meters of rock. Long minutes of waiting. And the sounds she would never forget. The sounds of Jean-Luc Picard appealing to Anij not to leave him... to 'live in this moment,' so they might be together. Beverly had started to shatter. And when they broke through, the sight that met her eyes ripped her with an anguish she had yet to fathom. Clutching Anij’s hand desperately, he'd looked into Beverly's eyes and begged hoarsely for the doctor to save her. And Beverly had. Of course she had. Who was she to deny Jean-Luc Picard anything... even the love of someone who wasn't her. With every healing breath Anij took, Beverly could feel her heart being broken. And the gratitude in Jean-Luc's eyes when Anij had awakened had finished it. Her heart whispered Jean-Luc's name one last time before the fire was extinguished. Anij had lived... but Beverly Crusher had died. But no one mourned. No one knew, not even Deanna. Beverly chuckled at the bitter irony. The empath, her best friend, didn't know. "I must give myself credit... my mental blockades are much improved," she said aloud. The sound of her voice echoed off the walls of her quarters. She took a breath, exhaled it as a little sob. She had let the walls down now... It was too late. She had made her decision. That was how she would begin her message. The *second* message. The one not to the captain, but to the man -- her old friend. "I know when you get these messages, you'll try and find me, stop me. I suppose that's why I decided to take time off. I don't want to be stopped, Jean-Luc. Honestly, I can't be any more. There was a time... " She paused, took a breath. "That doesn't matter any more, I suppose. I've given this a lot of thought. It's time for me to go on. So I'm resigning. But you know that, don't you. That message was sent out an hour ago. Yet you haven't answered it." She laughed again, a bitter laugh, the hurt crystallizing in her voice. "I suppose I shouldn't expect that. I just wanted to explain. I... I knew that someday, something would come between us. There's too much between us to begin with. And I knew somehow, that someday there would come a time where I couldn't serve with you. So the resignation has been saved for years. And the favors have been ready at a moment's notice. You won't find me, Jean-Luc. I've... I've made sure of that." She paused, raking a hand through her hair. "I don't want this message to hurt you. I just want to... I don't know, explain, perhaps. I've lost something here, Jean-Luc. I don't... I don't have the same passion for my work that I used to. I need to get that back. And until I do, I can't possibly be CMO. I can't be a doctor without it. You know that better than anyone. The day the job gets cold, clinical... that's when you lose your edge. I've lost it. So I need to go get it back. And when I do, Jean-Luc... I *won't* be coming back here. I'm sorry. More sorry than I can say. But I know that it's for the best... maybe not for you, but for me." She hung her head for a moment. "For once in my life, I'm going to do what's best for me. I... End message." She shook herself. 'It's over, Beverly... It's *finally* over.' She took a look around. Her quarters were empty. Her belongings had slowly and unobtrusively been transported to her shuttlecraft. 'Only the best for the former Head of Starfleet Medical. CMO on the flagship. With favors spanning the galaxy,' she thought bitterly. Everyone thought she was going on leave, and she'd be back in two weeks. She sighed. She'd set messages to be sent to her friends only after Jean-Luc had read his. Her departure would not be unduly noticed. She picked up her two remaining bags, took one long last look around, and walked out the door. The only thing that remained was one lone rose, laid carefully on her table. In the captain's quarters, the message terminal blinked. "Two new messages." The quarters themselves were dark and empty, just as she knew it would be. She had used her medical override one last time, and left one red rose on the message terminal, kissing it with a sigh. "Good-bye, Jean-Luc," she whispered. She grazed his sofa and her chair at breakfast with shaking fingers. "I love you." At 2032, the shuttlebay log recorded Beverly Crusher leaving the Enterprise. It was the only thing that noticed her departure that night. --- He entered his quarters at 2035, dropped his bags, and proceeded to make his preparations for bed. It had been a long leave, after all. But there was no one he would rather have spent it than with Anij. He was exhausted. The blinking message terminal and the rose went unnoticed, though his nose twitched slightly at the lingering scent of her perfume. --- He awoke, refreshed, eager to share the news of his leave. 'Hopefully Beverly would not be too busy to have breakfast with me this morning,' he thought to himself as he made the usual preparations. Coffee and croissants, as usual. The coffee cooled quickly, and the croissants lost their warmth as well, in that hour that passed as he sat, waiting. He was accustomed to her being late, but she would usually put in a call if she were going to be *this* late... 'Picard to Crusher.' He waited for her voice, probably frazzled, to answer the comm. Instead, the melodious voice of the computer replied, 'Doctor Crusher is not on board the Enterprise.' At this pronouncement, Jean-Luc sat slightly straighter in his chair. 'Of course!' he reminded himself. '*Her* leave started last night... ' He finished off the coffee, not that there was much left -- he hadn't waited much -- and proceeded to go about the rest of his morning routine. As he walked over to the desk, the rose on the terminal caught his eye. Who could have possibly... A slight chill went through him as he looked down at the screen. Two new messages waiting... waiting since last night. Both from Beverly. With a sigh, he sat down to listen to them. --- It took him a total of forty-six minutes to listen to them enough times to realize and believe their import. She had resigned. *Resigned*. Without his permission. She had left the ship rather than tell him in person. How cold could she be? From the tone in her voice, she could be very cold. Something had happened... something had hurt her badly. 'Shouldn't I know what?' he thought. As he paused, he realized -- no, he shouldn't know. For the first time in twenty-five or so years, he was *not* completely dependent on knowing Beverly Crusher's every whim and emotion. With a start, he realized that it didn't even hurt. --- The stars were bright and beautiful, as always. They had no way of knowing the lone occupant of the shuttlecraft was praying desperately for them to dim. She couldn't handle brilliance of any sort. Her heart was cold -- what right did the stars have to warmth? The bitterness in her soul terrified her. No doctor could function with hate. The tears she had been fighting all this time finally began to fall. Not only had Anij taken away Jean-Luc, but she had taken Beverly's heart, and with it, Beverly's vocation. For the first time in her life, Beverly Crusher was honestly, truly, left with nothing. --- Confusion and irritation. That was the extent of it. Confusion, and irritation. Just another bother in the everyday scheme. He walked into the observation lounge with the message at his side, contemplating how to bring it up. 'Get the standard ship's business over with first, then ask,' he thought. It seemed sound enough advice. And so he did. He asked about general ship's functions, about the current supply mission, about crew evaluations -- just another day. As the senior officers prepared to disburse, Jean-Luc asked very calmly, "So, who was going to inform me of Dr. Crusher's resignation?" All six senior officers returned to their seats. Deanna, of course, spoke first. "What?!" Jean-Luc looked at her in confusion. "You mean she did not discuss this with you?" Deanna shook her head vehemently. "No, sir... I was simply under the impression that she was going on shore leave, and would return in two weeks." Narrowing his eyes at her, he asked rather pointedly, "Did you see her off last night?" Casting a guilty glance at Will Riker, Deanna shook her head and lowered her eyes. "No, sir." "I see," said Jean-Luc, looking from one to the other. He rose. "Well, I assume then, that this comes as somewhat of a shock to you. I intend to investigate the matter further. If anyone has any questions or information, please see me in my ready room. Dismissed." Picard left the room, while the rest of the senior staff sat in shocked silence. All eyes turned towards Deanna. For her part, the counselor was slumped in her chair, contemplating the glass tabletop. Riker, sitting across from her, saw the tears glittering in her ebony eyes. "I didn't know... " she whispered. "I'm her best friend, and I didn't know... I didn't even see her off... " She shook her head as the first tear slid down her face. Riker rose to comfort her. "I didn't know either, Dee. None of us did -- including the captain. She obviously wanted it that way." Deanna looked up at Will with pain deep in her eyes. "Obviously... but I don't even know why... " The rest of the senior staff filed out silently, leaving only the two in the observation lounge. Will wrapped his arms around Deanna, rocking her gently until her tears subsided. --- He sat in the Ready Room, checking the resignation. She hadn't even promised to return for an answer. It seemed her course was set. That meant only one thing. Her resignation had already been accepted by someone else. "Picard to... " He stopped. He was about to call on Worf to check Beverly's communication log, but instead decided to do the detective work himself. "Picard to Riker. Come to my Ready Room, Number One." He sat waiting for a few moments. What could be keeping Riker? Just as he was about to repeat the page, the Ready Room buzzer sounded. "Come." Riker walked in, looking downcast and impatient. "Sorry, sir. I was just talking to Counselor Troi about Beverly's resignation." Jean-Luc looked at him. "Is she all right?" he asked with a sigh. Riker met his gaze squarely for the first time since entering the room. "No, sir. She is most emphatically *not*. In fact, I'd like to request she be relieved of duty for the rest of the day." Silence for a moment, then, "Agreed. However, I will need you to take over the bridge. I intend to investigate Beverly's resignation further. I hope to have the matter resolved as soon as possible." Riker nodded. "If there is anything I can do to help, sir, please let me know." Picard looked up at his first officer. "I know, Will. I'll keep that in mind." He stood and motioned for Riker to exit before him, and both men proceeded out the door. --- Her work was her only salvation. She threw herself into her research to keep from succumbing to the pain inside. It was a pain so deep that if it did not fade first, she feared she would never recover. The work was her refuge, her shelter. It was the only way she had escaped, and so it was her escape route now. The deal was simple -- in exchange for her research skills, she would be granted invisibility. Beverly Crusher would successfully disappear. That was what she had intended. Her messages to all her friends aboard the Enterprise said the same thing -- though she loved and cared for them all, she would no longer stay in touch. She needed to sever all ties, and she did. The oppressive silence of the shuttlecraft deafened her. She needed some sound, something to keep her from concentrating on her solitude. Cueing a musical selection, she retrieved the stack of padds which contained all her research on the Ba'ku and their planet. After ten minutes of research, she realized she had chosen the wrong musical selection. It was classic, 20th century music... music her mother had loved. But she could not stand the song. Fleetwood Mac. Silver Springs. The refrain haunted her. The tears began to fall. They did not stop falling that night. They continued to fall well into the next. --- Jean-Luc Picard stormed into his quarters, seething with rage. Every corner he turned he found some other crew member staring at him with accusations in his eyes. It seemed the entire ship blamed *him* for Beverly's resignation. 'I was as surprised as the rest of them... Why are they looking at me for answers?' he thought to himself. His door chime sounded. "Come," he bit out angrily. Deanna Troi crossed the threshold of his door. "They're looking to you because you *should* know!" Picard recoiled, startled at her statement and the venom in her voice. He drew himself up and growled, "Counselor, you are out of line." Tears were streaming down her face as she said, "No, I am *not* out of line. My best friend has left this ship without anyone knowing *because of you.*" The words startled him again. He chose to gentle his tone and allow the counselor freedom to speak. "What do you mean, Counselor?" He gestured to her to sit down. Shaking her head, she said, "No, sir... I will *not* sit down. I can't. You drove her from the Enterprise, Captain. Have no doubt about it. The crew looks at you for answers because they all know the only reason she would leave as she did was because of *you*." Reclining at ease on his sofa, Picard asked, "And why are they so certain of that?" An angry whisper -- "Because she loved you more than you will ever know. But everyone else did." He drew a deep breath, closing his eyes. "What makes them think that?" Troi's hair cascaded around her as she shook her head determinedly. "They don't *think* -- they *know*. Maybe *you*" -- the hostility in her voice was unmistakable -- "missed it, but it was crystal clear to anyone and everyone who was around her when you were hurt, missing, anything, that she was devoted to you. And we all made the mistake of thinking you felt the same. Obviously, we were wrong." He hung his head for a moment, and heard the door hiss. When he looked up, Troi had gone. Her words echoed in his head, haunting his thoughts. 'Everyone had known she loved me,' he thought disbelievingly. 'They saw through us both.' His anger blossomed again. "What was I supposed to do, wait for her forever?" he said aloud. "I can't be expected to do that... I have a life of my own to lead. And if... I... " He sighed. "I couldn't possibly have driven her away, could I?" He took a look around his quarters and picked up the rose he had tossed carelessly onto his breakfast table. 'Her quarters... ' He left his quarters with the rose in hand. --- He entered her quarters slowly after using his override. "Lights, 100 percent," he called out. Her quarters were completely empty. Not a padd nor a picture was left. A draft swept through the room -- or was the chill that ran up his spine something else? It seemed that the quarters were haunted -- haunted by her pain, haunted by whatever it was that had made her flee so quickly. His sigh echoed through the room as he looked around. If she had been this thorough with her quarters, there was no way she would leave any trace of who she had spoken to before she left. Her table. There was... yes, there was a rose on *her* table as well. Crossing the room to look at it, he was startled to find that the rose he held was a bud of hers. What was even more poignant was the condition of her rose as opposed to his. His rose was a vibrant red, full of life and beauty. Her rose was a blood red, the petals wilted. Her rose had died. He gently placed his rose on the table next to hers, refusing to contemplate their import. Instead of pausing to reflect he continued what seemed to be a fruitless search of her quarters. 'Her pictures?' he thought. He remembered the drawer in her bureau where she kept her pictures. Perhaps some clue was left there. After a slight pause with his fingers on the release, he opened it. The sight which met his eyes was no comfort. The one item left in the drawer was a picture. It was a picture of Beverly... and of him. Together. --- The tears had finally stopped after two days. Beverly had brought them swiftly and brutally under control. 'If you hurt, lass, then you still have a heart to *be* hurt... ' Her Nana's voice, with her gentle, soothing Scotch accent, emerged from the depths of Crusher's memories. 'When you get cold, when you *stop* hurting... then you know you're done for... ' She was. Beverly Crusher had died, as surely as if she had a death certificate. There was nothing. She had nothing. No heart, no passion, no love, no life. There was only one thing left to do. It was a feat accomplished in astoundingly little time. Such an elaborate scheme should have taken more time. But no... only the two hour lag from the shuttlecraft to Admiral Adam Stangeon's terminal separated the thought from the deed. "Computer. Record time of Beverly Crusher's death at 1246 hours. Authorization Crusher alpha Cheryl." --- Jean-Luc sat, the picture cradled carefully in his hands, the roses before him on the table, for hours. Deanna's accusations rang in his ears. 'She left because of me.' The thought tortured him with its truth. 'I drove her away.' What could it have been, he wondered. Why now, so suddenly, without any warning. Why without any way to talk to her? What had hurt her so deeply that she had fled like that? What had changed? He had racked his brain for hours, trying to figure out what could have driven her to such lengths. Everything had seemed fine. "Everything seemed fine, Deanna. I don't understand it," he said, the confusion flowing from him in waves as he paced. He had called the counselor to Beverly's quarters to try and help him make sense of it all. "What changed?" Ebony eyes met his hazel ones, searching for answers she already knew. "Are you so certain everything was all right?" she asked quietly. He nodded emphatically. "Perfectly certain. Of course the stress of the war, and the demands of wartime wear worst on the captain and the CMO, but we were managing." Deanna looked askance at him. "'*We*' were managing, or *you* were managing?" "We." The word left his mouth with certainty. But somehow, saying it again in her quarters, in the silence... "At least, I *thought* we were." Sinking into his old seat at her table, the captain thought back on the past few weeks. The first thing to strike him was the chair. "Sir?" Deanna's brows drew together at the odd look on the captain's face. "The chair," he murmured. "Yes? What about it?" Deanna replied, still perplexed by Picard's train of thought. "It should be worn to me." He shifted uncomfortably. "This chair was my chair. It was always fitted to my contours." Understanding caused Deanna's expression to darken. "What relevance does that have?" she asked, knowing full well the answer. He remained silent, fidgeting in the chair. "How long *has* it been, Captain?" Picard looked at the counselor thoughtfully, contrite. "I... Deanna, I honestly *don't know.*" He moved to the replicator. "Earl Grey, hot." Instead of the gentle hum of the replicator, the computer answered his request. "That beverage has not been programmed into this replicator. Please enter the molecular code." He met Deanna's gaze, flinching inwardly at the accusation in her eyes. "She... she even wiped the replicator's memory." Shaking her head, Deanna rose and joined Picard next to the replicator. "Chocolate mousse," Deanna ordered. The replicator whirred. The mousse appeared. Deanna looked up at him. "No, sir. She only wiped it of all traces of you." Jean-Luc turned away, unable to bear the look in her eyes. Once again, when he looked back, the counselor was gone. The quarters were completely silent, accusations and guilt hanging thick and heavy in the air. Picard felt them all, weighing on him. Weighing on him like... like four metric tons of rock. --- The notice had gone out quickly from Starfleet Medical. Almost a little too quickly. "Riker to Picard," came the call, intruding into the silence of Beverly's quarters. Picard roused himself from his reverie. He sat on Beverly's sofa, trying to remember when, and how, it had all changed. He realized that he had seen less and less of the doctor, once his best friend -- the woman of his dreams. But as of yet, he could not recall when it had started falling apart. "Picard here." Something about Riker's voice sounded odd. "Captain, there's a Fleetwide message I think... " Riker's voice broke for a moment. "I think you should see, sir." "Patch it down to Dr. Crusher's terminal, Number One." "Aye, sir," Riker said, closing the commlink. 'Strange,' Picard thought idly. 'It almost sounded like Will was... holding back tears... ' He crossed to her desk, activated her terminal. The message was steady on the screen, Admiral Adam Stangeon, Starfleet Medical's representative, delivering the news. "We at Starfleet Medical Headquarters regret to inform all Federation citizens that our most prominent medical researcher and Starfleet's finest doctor has passed away. At 1246 hours, Doctor Beverly Catherine Howard Crusher was lost in a shuttlecraft accident. While en route to Earth, Dr. Crusher's shuttlecraft experienced a critical antimatter breach, too quickly for anything to be done. Dr. Crusher and her shuttlecraft were lost, reported by a nearby cargo ship at 1246 hours. Widow of Commander Jack Crusher, Dr. Crusher is survived by her son, Wesley Crusher. Memorial services will be held on Earth tomorrow at 1200 hours. On behalf of Starfleet Medical, I express my condolences to all who knew her, and I know all will agree when I say she will be sorely missed." Stangeon lowered his head, and the UFP symbol replaced his face. 'No... ' Picard raked a hand down his face, fighting for composure. 'This can't be true. It *can't*.' He immediately opened a channel to Stangeon himself. The response was swift. "Admiral Stangeon," he acknowledged. "Captain Picard," Stangeon said evenly. "I am rather busy. What can I help you with?" The man's tone was calm -- perhaps too calm. "I... " Picard nearly choked on the request. "I'd like more information about... " Stangeon lowered his eyes for a moment, then looked up at Picard with grief evident in his eyes. "You want to know about Beverly's death." The flat statement revealed more to the captain than anything else could have. "You knew her well, did you not, Admiral?" "Yes, very well, Captain. We worked closely during her tenure as Head of Starfleet Medical. She is... was... an extraordinarily talented doctor, and a priceless, precious friend." Picard drew a breath. "I'm sorry for your loss, Admiral." Stangeon met Picard's gaze steadily. "And for yours as well, Captain. For yours as well." "I... I realize you would not broadcast such a message unless you were absolutely certain of the validity of the claim... " "But you want to know all the details for your own peace of mind," Stangeon finished. He smiled half-heartedly. "Yours is the twenty-fifth such call in the past thirty minutes." He launched into a recitation of all the fine details of Beverly's "death." 'Beverly certainly is resourceful,' Stangeon thought as he mouthed the lies. 'She has everyone fooled.' Adam Stangeon was one of Beverly's closest friends outside the Enterprise crew. He knew, as did most anyone else who knew her, of her love for her captain. He was also the only one who knew the real reason for her leaving. He had accepted her resignation himself, and had arranged everything as she had asked. The anguish she was in was evident as they spoke. She had reluctantly admitted that it was indeed Jean-Luc who had inadvertently driven her from the Enterprise. "Do you know the easiest way to lose something?" she'd asked, tears in her eyes. "No," he'd answered, his heart aching for her. "Not doing anything to keep it," she whispered, her voice betraying her suffering. It was at that moment Stangeon had made his decision. If at all possible, he was going to make Jean-Luc Picard pay for breaking her heart. The opportunity presented itself now. "There is something else you should know, Captain." Picard looked at him, hoping against hope for some good news, some reassurance. "Yes?" "Beverly had time to contact the cargo ship before the antimatter breach went critical." "What? How do you know? Why didn't she beam over?" "According to the captain of the cargo ship, she'd said something to the effect of, 'There's no reason for me to live anymore.'" Stangeon looked away, tears tingeing his voice as he spoke. "By the time the cargo ship's transporter locked on, it was too late." He continued hoarsely, "I can't understand it... I... I was hoping maybe you could explain why... why she chose... " Stangeon broke off, unable to speak. He looked up at the screen. Picard was gone. --- 'There's no reason for me to live anymore.' The statement echoed through Picard's mind, tormenting him. 'She *chose*... she *chose* to die.' "Why?" he whispered. "Goddamn you, Beverly... Why?!" He lowered his head to his hands, sagging against her desk for support. He turned his head to her table, the roses, the picture... Unable to cope, Jean-Luc Picard, the man who just a day ago had been happy, content, with his newfound love, began to cry. --- She had to return. It was the one thing they'd asked of her, and it was a small price to pay for her freedom from the Enterprise. If she'd had to return for Jean-Luc's approval, she would never have left. She couldn't take the chance. Thus it happened that three days after leaving the Enterprise, Beverly Howard, no longer Crusher, found herself in a geo-synchronous orbit of the Ba'ku planet. Again. Her journey had been harrowing, to say the least. She hadn't cried again, and somewhere inside her, something had been screaming in agony, crying for release. It never was released. It was locked away so deep inside of her that she didn't realize it existed, locked down with barbarous necessity. She barely slept, choosing instead to continue her research, thereby minimizing the time she would actually spend on the planet itself. But when she did sleep, the sounds of her pain escaped. Beverly Howard was dying, a little at a time. --- Beverly Crusher was dead. The whole of the Enterprise felt the aftershocks. The ship could have been cast in black to suit the mood of its crew. A shadow had fallen over all aboard, the senior staff most of all. The Enterprise crew held their own memorial service... but nothing could do justice to their loss. The memorial was quiet. A small remembrance for a warm, loving woman who had touched -- and indeed, saved -- all of their lives. Appropriate in a sense -- the woman who had been their Chief Medical Officer *was* dead to the world, cursed with a cold heart and broken dreams. No one could bring themselves to eulogize her. Deanna Troi was inconsolable, Will Riker anchored firmly at her side. Alyssa Ogawa clung to her husband, Dr. Selar very nearly refused a promotion to Chief Medical Officer. Geordi and Data with his emotion chip turned on, could not seem to find the words. The captain had chosen not to attend. Shock had rippled through the gathering as they realized Picard, her oldest friend, her almost-lover, would not be at her memorial service. What they could not know is that he was in his quarters, crying. --- He had changed his mind a thousand times, it seemed. To go, not to go... he couldn't seem to make a decision. And that had hurt him more than anything. 'What right do I have to be there?' he'd asked himself. 'How can I show my face when I know she died because of me?' Stangeon's question plagued the captain constantly. She'd believed she had no reason to live. Something had hurt her that deeply. *He* had hurt her that deeply. He didn't notice the tears at first. They had begun falling softly, slowly. They had continued to fall. He only realized they were falling when he heard himself sob in the stillness. Pain, deeper than any he had ever experienced, ripped through him, bringing him to his knees on the floor of his cabin. The chronometer glared at him accusingly. The memorial service had started. All the crew were there, waiting for him. He couldn't. He didn't have the strength. Strength. He needed strength. He turned to the comm panel. 'Anij... ' --- Will Riker had slowly arisen from the crowd, tears streaming down his face, catching in his beard, glittering in his eyes, roughening his voice. "Captain Picard was... unable to attend. So I... I will... " He broke off, clearing his throat. "I don't even know how... where to begin. Beverly Crusher was... an incredible person. Loving, caring, skilled. She... " His tears broke free again. "She will be sorely, sorely missed. No one can ever replace her in our hearts and in our thoughts." He looked down, away from the eyes of the crew. "I... I'm sorry, I... I can't... " He quickly moved back to his seat and enfolded Deanna into his shaking arms. Data stood, and the audience saw something they very rarely saw. Data was crying. He spoke softly, uncharacteristically somber. "I must admit, I am very new at the emotional turmoil of death. But I... if anyone deserves to be missed, Dr. Crusher numbers among them." He shook his head. "I am sorry, but I cannot think of anything else to say." He looked around, then slowly returned to his seat. Silence descended upon the gathering, punctuated only by the occasional muffled sob. A shimmering caught Geordi's eye. He nudged Data gently. "Data... do you see that?" The android followed the engineer's gaze. "Yes, I do... It could only be... " Wesley Crusher fully materialized in a corner. "Mother... " he whispered. He let out a preternatural scream that echoed throughout the lounge... throughout the deck... throughout the ship. --- "Jean-Luc, what is it? What's happened?" Her voice, her face, her love, flowed through the viewscreen, a balm for his soul. "I... I've lost one of my senior officers," he whispered. "Oh, my love... I'm so sorry... Who?" Anij remembered well the crew of the Enterprise, those who had saved her and her people from death. "Beverly Crusher." "The doctor?" she asked, slightly puzzled. "Yes," he choked out. "But, Jean-Luc... why are you so upset? I certainly understand being saddened, but, you look heartbroken... " Picard closed his eyes, cursing himself. He realized now what it was that had driven Beverly away. "HOW COULD YOU LET HER DIE!!!!" The scream echoed in Picard's quarters. He turned around, startled out of his skin. Wesley stood behind him, eyes glazed with a rage that could not be contained, no matter what plane of existence he was on. "Goddamn you, Jean-Luc Picard... How the hell could you let her die?!" Picard's jaw dropped, and he didn't even hear Anij calling his name. --- Wesley Crusher was in a killing rage. He had been contentedly continuing his studies with the Traveler when a ripple in the various planes of existence caught his attention. There was only one person who could cause such a distinct ripple. His mother. He had made normal inquiries, settling into the normal plane of existence on Tau Ceti. And he had gotten the one answer he had never expected -- his mother was dead. He had immediately told the Traveler he had to leave, and had contacted Adam Stangeon himself. There was one difference. Stangeon had been instructed to tell Wesley the truth. That Beverly had faked her death... that Jean-Luc had driven her away. But Stangeon had also said that if Wesley did not react, suspicions would be raised. Wesley had been ready and willing to make a scene. And so Wesley had made his dramatic entrance in his mother's memorial service. He hadn't intended the scream to be so powerful, but there was one thing that had enraged him enough to do it. Jean-Luc Picard *was* *not* *there*. And so Wesley's fury grew. To the breaking point. The wrath in his voice as he yelled at Captain Picard was very real. So was his overwhelming urge to commit physical violence against the man he had wished for years to call his father. --- "Jean-Luc?! Jean-Luc, are you there?? Jean-Luc, answer me! What's going on?" Anij's frantic voice punctuated the electric silence in Jean-Luc's quarters. Wesley held the captain's wide-eyed gaze, the outrage in his eyes transfixing Picard. "Go on," Wesley bit out. Picard did not look away. "I'm all right, Anij. I will speak with you later." "Jean-Luc? Are you sure? Who is that?" "I'm the son of the doctor who passed away," Wesley growled. "I... I'm very sorry for your loss," Anij said softly. "Shouldn't you be saying that to the captain? Did he tell you about him and my mother? Did he tell you how she loved him? How he loved her? How they should have been together, but neither one had the courage? How my mother had changed her mind, but it was too late? He'd moved on to alien flings *like you.* How often has he come to see you? Is he promising to visit on leave? He'll never do it, you know... " "Wesley!" the captain roared. "That was uncalled for! You will apologize at once!" "No, I will *not* apologize! Why should I apologize for telling your new *girlfriend*" -- the word sounded like a curse -- "about your real history with my mother? The one you so callously threw away? What is it, Jean-Luc? Are you suddenly wracked by the guilt of knowing that *you killed her*?" The accusation in Wesley's voice nearly reduced the captain to tears. "Jean-Luc?" Anij whispered. Picard hadn't thought to cut the comm off. "Is this true?" "Anij, I... I can't explain it right now... it's all too complicated." "You *will* explain later." The link was suddenly cut. "Are you happy, Wesley?" Picard rasped. "No," Wesley replied bitterly. "I can never be happy again. You killed her. Damn you, you killed her. And you spend her memorial service talking to your newest fling. I will never be happy. And I am going to do my damnedest to make sure you aren't either." He disappeared. And the silence in Jean-Luc's quarters became more oppressive and foreboding than ever. --- She beamed down, looking with a clinical interest at her surroundings. She spoke quietly, safe within the confines of the reflective environmental suit. "Surroundings same as when last seen. All grass green and healthy. Tricorder readings indicate air purity at 99.76 percent. Proceeding with scans." Beverly would never have thought she could feel so cold inside, but she did. There was nothing within. No sense of the *true* beauty of the place. Only a detached clinical interest in the interactions of the metaphasic radiation and the planet itself which caused the perpetual youth of the inhabitants. Whatever it was that made the people of the planet young was affecting Beverly as well, but she didn't notice. She didn't notice anything. She didn't *feel* anything. Empty. Hollow. Unfeeling. Cold. Dead. Alone. The words were her only companions. If she said them enough, she'd believe it, or so she had told herself. She'd said them enough. She believed it. --- The memorial service had broken up soon after Wesley's unexpected entrance. Will had quietly thanked everyone for coming, and left first, with Deanna at his side. Everyone else had followed suit. Ten Forward had never seemed so empty before. --- Picard sat dazed on the floor, Wesley's words echoing in the silence. "I can never be happy again," he'd said bitterly. "You killed her. Damn you, you killed her. And you spend her memorial service talking to your newest fling. I will never be happy. And I am going to do my damnedest to make sure you aren't either." He would. Picard admitted that with a shiver. Wesley had lost *everything*. He had nothing left. And there was only one person to blame. Jean-Luc Picard. --- It only took two hours to take readings in the valley where she'd beamed down. Nothing unusual there. It was simply the same youth-preserving effect in the village. 'The village,' Beverly thought to herself. 'I'll have to go there next.' There was no fear, nor anger, nor pain in her heart with the prospect of seeing Anij. For there was no feeling. Beverly Crusher *was* dead. For all that there was a beating heart in her body, there was nothing to resemble a person. There was no spirit, no emotion. Her neck was not defensively tense. Her palms did not sweat with anxiety. Her heart did not ache for the one whom she had lost. She was empty. A mere physical shell holding a brilliant analytical mind. *That* was all that was left of the "loving, caring, skilled" doctor the Enterprise crew had mourned for. They were right to mourn. She *was* lost. But she was not lost in a shuttlecraft accident. She was lost in a cave, not far from where she stood. She was lost behind four metric tons of rock. She was lost when she heard the man she loved with all of her being pleading for someone *else* to stay with him -- to live in that frozen moment so they could be together. She was lost when he said the three words she'd always believed were meant for her alone. Her soul, her hopes, her dreams, all had crumbled in that moment. One frozen moment in time. 'And now, there is nothing.' The thought filtered into her conscious mind, unbidden and unwelcome. But true. She inhaled sharply. Her heart began to race. Her palms began to sweat. And there was a pang -- barely noticeable, but there -- of pain, from her nonexistent heart. --- He had been prepared for a great many things to come between himself and Anij. The Dominion War. The struggles of the Federation. The trials and travails of Starfleet. Even his unfortunate demise. What he *hadn't* anticipated was what he was faced with now. The prospect of having to explain his relationship with Beverly Crusher to her. '*What* relationship? My affair with Beverly is the textbook example of what might have been,' he thought bitterly. He opened a channel. --- She walked through the village, discreetly, quietly. It seemed as though one wrong move could bring disaster. Or at the very least, irreparable harm. She trod delicately, painstakingly, interacting when necessary, avoiding it when possible. Thoughts clamored around her head, all struggling to come to the fore. She would allow none to emerge. She couldn't. Finally, she was through the village. Anij quickly ducked into her cottage, shutting the door on the boisterous village behind her. --- The grief was something of a welcome sensation. It meant there was hope. That was something Beverly had never dared dream. She had indeed given herself up for dead. 'I never imagined I could hurt so much... ' she realized with a sigh. 'I just... I just shut off.' She had walked through the valley into the village, still unseen. She couldn't afford to be seen by anyone. Especially... Anij. The name caused a bitter taste in her mouth. She felt herself shutting down again. She didn't fight it. The glimmer of feeling was suppressed. She performed her scan with cold efficiency, allowing her analytical nature to rule her actions. There was no room for emotions now. Not this close. Not here. She couldn't afford it. She kept repeating it to herself as she scanned those around her. That was when she saw her. Walking across the main square towards her cottage. Anij. The sight of her made Beverly cringe. The pain was reawakening. She tamped it down again. 'Not *now*, damn it!' She cursed herself for not controlling her emotions. She wanted to cry. Anij ducked into her cottage, out of sight. Beverly heaved a sigh of relief and continued her scans. Slowly. For the next destination... was the caves. --- Just seeing her again made Jean-Luc smile. "Anij... " he sighed. The look in her eyes was unmistakable. He was no longer looking at the woman he loved. He was faced with the leader of the Ba'ku people. There was no warm welcome in her gaze now, only penetrating demand. "Are you ready to explain?" He heaved a sigh. "I don't even know where to begin, my love." Steely voice. "The *beginning*." "The beginning... " he sighed. "This *could* take a while... " Anij raised an eyebrow. "I have the time." --- Her time was up. She could delay the inevitable no longer. She'd taken scans of the village itself, the buildings, the grounds, the crops, the food, and the Ba'ku themselves. She had DNA samples from her initial encounter. There was only one variable left to account for. The kelbonite deposits. In the caves. Beverly Howard took one last look around the Ba'ku village, sighing. She had seen... her... going into her cottage. 'Was she going to talk to Jean-Luc?' she thought dismally. 'I'm sure he's perfectly content now that I'm gone... The two of them are probably happier than they've ever been... What *does* Beverly Crusher matter in the long run, anyway?' The pessimistic streak in Beverly, growing larger every moment spent on Ba'ku, answered, 'Nothing.' This time, she could feel the pain of that answer. --- "I... for years, we... " He cut himself off with a sigh. "Anij, this is very difficult for me. Please, trust me when I say there is nothing there to explain... " She shook her head vigorously. "Jean-Luc, I may love you, but I will not presume that I know everything about you." Her gaze turned distant, vague. "In fact... I know only a little of your life." She focused on him again. "You contact me, almost hysterical over the death of your medical officer, and I overhear her son practically... " She paused, shaking her head. "Jean-Luc, he practically threatened your life! And you say there's nothing to explain?" Anij sniffed disdainfully. "Do not lie to me, Jean-Luc." He closed his eyes, leaning back in his chair. "Anij... " Her name was a sigh, filled with confusion and regret. Behind his closed eyes, he couldn't see her expression soften. Her voice was gentler. "My love, I want to know what it is that is going on. I want to comfort you, but I have no idea how. I want to be angry with you at his threats, but I don't know why he made them. Please, help me to understand." --- Beverly Howard trudged determinedly up the mountain, refusing to give into the temptation of using the transporter to get her there. She knew that it was nearly impossible to get that close to the cave due to the effect of the kelbonite deposits... but she also acknowledged that if she were aboard the shuttle, it would be difficult to force herself to face the caves again. "Fear of heights, nothing," she muttered aloud. "I think I just got myself a new phobia. Caves and I just don't get along." 'It was, after all, things that happened in caves that have made such a mess of things,' she continued to herself. She stopped her trek, pausing to sit and rest. In the relative stillness of the mountain trail, she could almost hear echoes of her last visit. She shook her head, frowning as she remembered that idiotic conversation she and Deanna had had during their exodus with the Ba'ku. 'What got into me?' she wondered. She shook off the random thought, recognizing it for what it was -- a distraction. 'Do I really want to do this?' Beverly asked herself. 'I know I'm not just going there to get those readings... ' For the first time since she left the Enterprise, Beverly Howard was honest with herself. Completely. 'I have one chance to get my life back. I need to go back to the caves.' She picked herself up, dusted herself off -- in more ways than one -- and proceeded towards the caves. More specifically, *the* cave. 'Time to take charge of it all.' --- "She was... Anij, I... I feel so uncomfortable talking about this... " "All the more reason we must. Jean-Luc, for you to be uncomfortable... there *is* something there. We have to deal with it, now, before... it's too late." She looked at him, searching his eyes for the truth. "Let yourself get lost in the memory, Jean-Luc. This is something I have to know. Let it flow from you. No guilt. Just truth." 'Just truth,' he laughed bitterly to himself. 'When that is the one thing I am most certain will drive you away? How? How can I take the chance?' "Anij... I *can't*." "You *must*, Jean-Luc... or else I... " She met his gaze directly, the resolve in her eyes shaking him. "Or else, I can't be with you any longer." "Then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!" he shouted. He shook himself, the rage that suddenly overtook him unexpected and unwelcome. 'How can she do this to me... I know I shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but damn you Beverly Crusher for haunting me!' Anij's reaction to Jean-Luc's outburst was clear in the cold look on her face. "Then that is all the answer I need. Goodbye, Jean-" "No! Anij, wait! That is *not* all the answer... please believe me... " "You wish to explain yourself *now*? Oh, by all means *Captain Picard*... go on... " He sighed, closing his eyes, knowing that there was nothing left to lose. 'But perhaps if I explain... she'll understand the extraordinary nature of my relationship with Beverly... ' "I first met her about thirty years ago... as the fiancee of my best friend." Anij's silence gave Jean-Luc license to continue. "Jack Crusher was my best friend throughout my stint in Starfleet Academy. He was a wonderful man." He sighed. "He died as my first officer on my first command." "I'm so sorry... " she whispered. "But how does this involve Dr. Crusher and yourself?" "I fell in love with her... when I first met her, about thirty years ago." "What?" The confusion and disbelief in her tone was clear. "At first I thought it was just hormonal... Jack and I had always been competitive. I thought it was just me responding to the fact that he had gotten engaged to her." She paused. Sighed. "And second?" "I realized... she was an extraordinary woman. And that I was *truly* in love with her." Silence. Then... "What happened then?" "Everything. Nothing. Too much. Too little." "Jean-Luc... " she said, warningly. "The brief version... she pursued the CMO position here, knowing I would be her captain. I tried to block her or get her transferred. She refused. She stayed. And I... I didn't push her. I still loved her... but I let it lie, for both of our sakes. I had never intended to let her know how I felt." "But something happened, am I right?" Anij asked. A look crossed his face, darkening his expression. "Yes." When he didn't continue, Anij prodded gently. "Tell me, please?" "It was a fluke, really... We were to rendezvous with the government of a race who wanted to join the Federation. In the midst of transport, we were... 'redirected' to the *other* half of the world. You see, there were actually *two* races of people coexisting on the planet. Only one half wanted to join the Federation, the Kes. The Prytt were paranoid isolationists. The Prytt abducted Dr. Crusher and myself, and implanted both of us with psyonic implants which were attuned to our brain patterns, designed to for us to reveal sensitive Starfleet information. Instead, we escaped... and the implants tuned us to each other." Her expression was dispassionate -- no, cold. "And?" "I... *we*... found that... " "Say it, Jean-Luc." "Our feelings were revealed." "What feelings, Jean-Luc." It was a statement, not a question. "Damn it, Anij... why must I do this to you? I don't want to hurt you!" "Please, just tell me." "We discovered our mutual love for each other," he whispered. He closed his eyes, flinching as the words passed his lips. He knew it was over. It was. "Tell me, was I just an 'alien fling'?" "No... I swear you weren't... Anij, she turned me down. Beverly refused to let our relationship go further... " "Tell me you don't love her." --- Beverly Howard looked at the cave looming in front of her, drawing in deep, even breaths. Panic lurked at the edge of her mind. Here. Again. The clutching void. The emptiness she had existed within. It was all here. In front of her. She had left her heart inside that cave. "Time to go in," she said aloud. She looked around, and seeing no one near, turned off the envi suit. Took off the helmet. Saw her reflection in the visor. Vibrant red hair, youthful skin. Determined eyes. Cold. Centered. A chill ran through her. "Is this what I've become?" she asked the stranger staring back at her. "Is this loneliness my life now?" She shook her head, watching, entranced, as the stranger mirrored her. "I want my heart back." She looked up, ahead of her. Darkness. Such foreboding darkness. Vacant. Echoes of the last time she was here reached her ears. The words he'd uttered to Anij. The vortex of turmoil reached for her through the distance. The pain was a siren's song. Feeling pain would mean *feeling.* Emotion. Would mean there was a heart within her to be hurt. She would welcome the pain if it brought her heart back with it. She took her first step inside. --- Wesley Crusher watched, unseen, as the captain made a futile effort to explain away the truth. "Damn you, Picard... you lying piece of sh*t. You answer her question right... or you *will* regret it." Not that Picard wouldn't be regretting it no matter what. Wesley already had plans for the good captain. One way or another, whether by Wesley or Anij or both, the captain would know pain, emptiness. It was Wesley's promise to himself and to the captain. Jean-Luc Picard had escaped unscathed for long enough. It was time he paid for his various sins. --- Silence. The question hung in the air, thick and heavy. Anij spoke again. "Jean-Luc. Tell me you don't love her." His eyes were closed, his head was bowed. He couldn't meet her eyes. "I... " "Look me in the eyes, Jean-Luc Picard, and tell me you don't love her." He couldn't look at her. What could he say to her? That he *didn't* love Beverly? That would be a lie. He decided to lie. He looked up, steeling himself for the cold demand in Anij's eyes. "I don't love her." "Liar." "What?" he asked, disbelief adding an edge to his voice. "I told you, I don't love her." "Don't lie to me, Jean-Luc. I can see it in your eyes. You *do* love her. You were using me." "No, Anij, please, don't say that. I was never using you. I am genuinely in love with you." "But your heart belongs to another, Jean-Luc. You are *in* love with me. You will *always* love her. In death, in life, your heart will belong to her." "Anij, I can never have her." He paused, considering. She'd sensed the truth without him saying a word. He owed it to her to stop lying. "Of course I will always love her. But that does not mean I cannot love anyone else." "That explains much more than you intend it to. I'm sorry, Jean-Luc. I see now that our relationship was doomed from the start." "What? Anij, what are you talking about? Please, listen to me!" "I *am* listening. And I'm hearing everything you say and everything you mean. You *do* realize they are diverging, do you not?" "Anij, please... " "Please what? Please listen? I am. Please understand? I do. More than you would like. She turned you down, you gave up, but you waited for the day she would smile at you and you would run to her. In the meantime you filled the void with women who are too far away for you to deal with daily, so you had the illusion of being alone. But when you need reassurance, you have someone. I understand perfectly." The venom in her voice had built with each measured word. "Anij, that's not it at all... I *do* truly love you." "As much as you can. And the reason you deny the truth of what I say is that you have yet to admit it. Search your heart, Captain Picard. You will realize what I say is true. Goodbye, Jean-Luc. May you be happy in your solitude." "Anij, wait!" The screen was blank. She was gone. "Damn you, Beverly Crusher! Get out of my heart!" His howl was that of unrestrained rage and pain. On the bridge, heads turned towards the Ready Room. Picard's words had echoed loud and clear. The bridge crew looked at Deanna Troi expectantly. With a sigh, she rose. --- It was... quieter than she remembered. Emptier. Her footsteps resonated through the cave, every pebble which skidded away from her feet echoing. The emptiness of the cave was a mirror of Beverly's wounded soul. The silence that surrounded her became more and more oppressive with every step inside. "Then let's talk... " she said aloud. "I can't stand this quiet anymore." She still had a ways to go until she reached the point of the cave-in. As though it wasn't difficult enough merely to be inside the cave. The tears had started to roll down her face, unnoticed. Tears. Pain. Things she had believed she had left behind her. She had. They were here. She was picking them up along the way. Echoes of the past assailed her unrelentingly. "Four metric tons of rock." "Two life signs. One very faint." "Live in this moment." Data and Worf, hoisting rocks effortlessly. Standing, waiting. Clutching her medkit so tightly her knuckles turned white with the strain. Breathing deeply, evenly. Trying to rein in her terror. Panic. Blessed relief when she heard it was Anij. Then pain. Listening. Hearing the words. Hearing him say them to someone else. She shook herself out of her thoughts. Looking at her surroundings, she trembled. The tears continued to fall, faster. The sobs and screams welled behind the wall of her self-control. She had reached the site of the cave-in. --- He sat, head in his hands. He'd lost them both. Beverly was gone... Anij had left him... Jean-Luc Picard had nothing. No one. All those he truly loved were gone. He suddenly became aware of another presence in the Ready Room. "Time to take a little trip, Captain." Wesley Crusher's eyes glittered with malicious glee as he laid his hand on the captain's shoulder and transported them both away. Outside the Ready Room, Deanna Troi continued to ring the entry chime. --- Deanna Troi frowned in consternation. //Where on Earth could he have gone without us knowing?// Aloud she said, "Computer. Location of Captain Picard." The answer was half-expected, but nonetheless a shock. "Captain Picard is no longer on the Enterprise." Troi sighed and looked to Riker. "Will... " she began. He shook his head. "I believe I have a good idea where he might have gone." They looked at each other, thinking of who would have reason to abduct the captain. One thought. "Wesley." --- "Wesley... where are you taking me?" Jean-Luc Picard asked, bewildered. "Just on a little trip, Captain... believe me, it's for your own edification. Just relax and enjoy the trip... " Crusher replied. Silence. Picard examined the limbo he was in, watching as incoherent images flashed by. //Is it possible for Wesley's new... abilities... to allow for... // "Time travel, Captain. Yes, I can." Picard opened his mouth to speak, though Wesley answered his question before it passed his lips. Chuckling condescendingly, Wesley said, "No, I can't read minds, but your thoughts are so obvious, Captain. Really, I would expect more from you... " //Does the boy know he's sounding annoyingly like Q?// Picard thought angrily. There was no response to *that* thought, since... "We have arrived, Captain. Welcome." --- Beverly Howard stood, staring blankly at the cave. //Here. This is where... The place... This... I... // Closing her eyes, she could hear the rocks tumbling to the ground, she could feel her heart stop as she realized Jean-Luc was in there, could feel the adrenaline surge through her veins in the instinctive urge to save him. She could still hear the voices swirling around her, and pick his voice out of the cacophony of sounds. She could hear his words, clear as a bell. She could still feel the pain stabbing through her at his words, at the tenderness in his voice, the concern... The love. Blindly she slid towards the ground, slipping, feeling the rocks dig into her back, her arms, legs, hands, until finally she was sitting, clutching the rocks around her to keep her balance, some semblance of grounding. Her world was slipping away... *she* was slipping away... "No! Dammit, not again!!!" she screamed. The words echoed crazily, reverberating through the cave, reaching her own ears again and again, penetrating the thick wall of silence she had imposed around her emotions, breaking through, releasing it all... Tears poured down her face in torrents powerful as any thunderstorm, rage pulsed through her, showing in her glare, escaping in her incoherent utterances of anger and torment. All the emotions she had repressed swept through her with the force of a hurricane, ravaging all the masks she'd built for herself, revealing the truth of her feelings, pouring out all that was imprisoned in her heart. The agony of her loss, the grief of her leaving, the unutterable rage at his betrayal, all released, unchecked, pure unadulterated pain revealed and let go for the first time. Epiphany, catharsis, release. She cried for hours. She had no conception of time. Time was irrelevant. She had come to claim her heart. She had never anticipated the pain it held. And so she let go of everything. All that was of Beverly Crusher was laid bare, shattered around her. All she knew for a time was emptiness, loss, nothingness, the void. --- "Will, what do we do now? Do we go after him?" Deanna asked, perplexed. Eyebrow raised, Riker simply replied, "And where exactly would we be going after him?" "I... that... " Deanna sighed. "I just feel so ridiculous, sitting here, letting the captain just disappear at a time like this. He needs our help... And Wesley... " Nodding, Riker finished her sentence. "And Wesley is, to put it mildly, hell bent on hurting him. Deanna, I would say let's go after him, get the red alert going... but there really is *nothing* we can do. We just have to trust that Wesley will bring him back." Sighing, Deanna whispered, "I hope so... " --- Gesturing around them, Wesley asked, "Do you recognize this place?" Looking around, Picard's eyes widened in shock. //It's... It's the cave... // But he kept his tone even as he replied, "It's one of the caves on Ba'ku where we took shelter during the Son'a attack." "Come now, Captain," Wesley said. He circled the captain, arms thrown wide to indicate the expanse of the cave. "Surely this cave means more to you than just that... " Uncertain as to Wesley's intent, Picard calmly stated, "It is the cave where Anij and I were trapped during a cave-in." "Yes," Wesley hissed. "You and your little girlfriend -- oh, well, isn't it *ex*-girlfriend now? My sympathies, really.. -- were trapped here. And wasn't she... ? Yes, I'm sure of it... *She was dying.* And who... oh, yes of course, my *mother* saved her... isn't that right?" Unable to speak, Picard nodded. He was suddenly morbidly certain of where Wesley was leading. "Well, by all means... *let's relive that moment in history... .*" Picard drew a deep, centering breath, closing his eyes. With his eyes still closed, Wesley whispered bitterly in his ear. "Let's relive that moment *on the other side of the rock.*" And with a flash, Jean-Luc found himself in the cavern, watching as the rocks began to fall. --- Conversation swirled around at warp speed. The realization that the captain was behind the rock wall spurred his officers into motion. Data and Worf began hoisting rocks, Worf's comm link remained open. Picard heard his own voice in the melee. "Watch her face," Wesley hissed. "Watch her face as you speak." With his eyes riveted to Beverly Crusher's face, Jean-Luc listened to himself speak. With every sentence, the pain in Beverly's eyes grew. "Stay with me... Don't let go of this moment... Help me find the strength to make you live in this moment... " he'd pleaded. Beverly's eyes began to glisten with tears. Every word he uttered... Listening to it after the fact, Jean-Luc heard the concern and the fear..and the love... in his voice. He watched Beverly register every word, with that talent she had for finding his voice in a whirlwind of sound. And he watched something change in her. He watched the pain, the anguish, which in those unguarded, vulnerable moments was laid bare in her eyes. Watched as with every word he said, the hurt grew more and more intense. Watched as she heard him tell Anij... "I love you, Anij," he'd said. "Don't leave me... " //They had almost broken through// he recalled. //I could hear them getting closer.// He hadn't turned away from Anij. If he had, he would have seen Beverly Crusher's death throes. He would have seen the words register with her. Would have watched a single tear spill from her eyes, as the light in them died. Would have seen her heart drop to the floor, shattered. But all he saw was his friend, Dr. Crusher, charging through with the medkit to save Anij. He never realized he'd just killed the woman he'd loved. --- It had been forty-five minutes since Deanna Troi had first discovered Captain Jean-Luc Picard had disappeared from his Ready Room. Long, quiet minutes. The only sounds on the Bridge were the usual background noises, amplified by the electric silence, sharpened by the tension that hung in the air. Will Riker sat in the Captain's chair, the sangfroid he'd shown with Troi melting away as the minutes ticked past, anger darkening his brow, clouding his eyes. "Conference Lounge, Counselor. *Now*." Riker's stride reflected his displeasure as he stalked to the Conference Lounge, Troi following behind. As soon as the door slid shut, Riker unleased his rage. "Deanna, what the *hell* are we doing, sitting around here? Who knows where Wesley has taken the captain? For all we know, he's taken him somewhere to kill him!" "Will!" Deanna interjected. "You *must* trust Wesley... you certainly did forty-five minutes ago! If he has learned anything from his studies with the Traveler, he will not hurt Captain Picard." She sighed. "Wesley is extremely vulnerable right now... as are we all. He's lost his father *and* his mother now. It's only natural for him to direct his anger and grief at the captain, considering... " The rest remained unspoken, for both were fully aware of the circumstances of Beverly Crusher's departure. "Exactly, Deanna! That's --" "*But*," she interjected again, "Wesley has always looked to Captain Picard as a father figure. It's entirely possible he just wants to grieve with the only family he has left." --- "Do you see now? Do you realize what you've done?" Wesley Crusher bit out, rage radiating from him in an electric charge. He'd grown in the time since Picard had last seen him, now tall enough to tower over the captain and muscular enough to intimidate. Wesley used it all to his advantage. Jean-Luc Picard stood, riveted by the panorama before him. Wesley had chosen to freeze the moment as Beverly registered Jean-Luc's proclamation of love. The lone tear was frozen, halfway down her cheek, and her eyes conveyed such desperate pain, Jean-Luc wanted to cry himself. But he couldn't. He was numb. Completely and totally without feeling, as though *his* heart had shattered, as well as Beverly's. "So, Captain, how do you feel now? Are you satisfied? Does it all seen worthwhile? I hope your fling was worth it... " Wesley whispered. He rounded to the captain's other side, whispered into his other ear. "*You* put that pain in her eyes. *You* made her cry. *You* broke her heart, drove her away. *You*... " Wesley trailed off, switched to the other ear and whispered silkily, seductively, "*You* made her die... " "No!" Picard shouted, recoiling from Wesley and the scene before him. "I did *not*! It was an accident!" "Are you so sure *now*? Now that you've seen... How can you be sure? I think *you killed her*." "Damn you, Wesley... I did no such thing! I did not! *I did not*!!! I did... I... " Picardd continued repeating it to himself, his mantra... eventually he stopped... dissolving into tears. "Pathetic," Wesley spat, laying his hand on Picard's shoulder again. --- Beverly Howard sat, shaking, trembling, cold, alone. Silence shrouded her, and the cave. The sound of her shallow breathing echoed in the stillness, reminding her she was still alive, renewing, with each breath, the wave of pain, the empty ache. The dull, heavy pain sat inside her, keeping her on the ground, drained and weak. //This is *not* what I came here for... // she thought with a sardonic smile. //I just wanted my heart back... not... *this*... I never wanted *this*... // The tears were falling slower now, their flow abated by her return to sanity. A glance at her chronometer had shown that four hours had gone by. //It seemed like nothing... One minute, I'd just found the spot... the next... // She looked around, realized she could see little to nothing in the darkness. Groping blindly for her pack, she found a portable torchlight, and set it on the ground next to her, illuminating her little corner of the cave. //Home, sweet home... // she thought bitterly. //No... no more... Enough bitterness... enough hurt... enough pain to last a lifetime... // She shivered, rubbing her arms for warmth. //How could he... ? Why did he... ?// "NO," she said firmly, aloud. "No more." She shook herself physically, standing up and brushing herself off. She knew what she had to do. --- Jean-Luc Picard looked around in confusion again. "Wesley? Where are you taking me now?" Wesley smiled with such hatred, Picard recoiled. "Look at you... All better?" Wesley asked. Picard swallowed. "Where... ?" "Just one more quick glimpse." The streaming scenery coalesced, showing a picturesque valley, with small houses scattered throughout, air heavy with the scent of... grapes? "Recognize the place, Picard?" Wesley whispered. Softly, gently, as though afraid to break a spell, Picard replied, "My family vineyards in LaBarre... " Nodding, Wesley gestured for Picard to walk with him. "Yes... very good, Captain!" They continued in silence until they reached the porch and stood peering through the window. "And *this*," Wesley said, indicating the scene inside the window, "could have been your future... " A fire was burning in the fireplace, not for lack of heat, but for love of the scent of cedar logs burning. The curtains were thrown open, light streaming in through the windows. Picard looked to the floor, watching enraptured as two children played together -- one boy, who looked somewhere around seven years old, perhaps, with chestnut hair and hazel eyes, and an angelic young girl, ten years old, it seemed, with... with vibrant red hair and penetrating, brilliant blue eyes. His breath caught in his throat as he looked up and saw... *her*. "Beverly... " he choked out. There she was, older, but still radiantly beautiful... still Beverly. And she was sitting there on the sofa, next to him, with her arms wrapped around him, radiating satisfaction, contentment and love as clearly as a beacon. Watching from the window, Picard's hand trembled as he pressed his palm against the window. "Beverly... " he whispered again. "This could've been your future... " Wesley whispered again. Jean-Luc stared blankly ahead of him, still hypnotized by the future that was laid out before him. Wesley laid his hand on Picard's shoulder and whisked them both away. "No!" Picard exclaimed. "Your own fault, Picard... " Picard hung his head, drained... broken. "Enough, Wesley. Enough," he whispered, anguished. Wesley locked eyes with Picard, then nodded. "Yes, enough. Almost. I just want to tell you one more thing before I leave you back on the Enterprise." "What, please, just tell me... " Picard said tiredly. "My mother... is still alive," Wesley whispered, a false smile glittering on his face. "What?!" Picard exclaimed. "You're lying!" "No, Captain, I wouldn't lie. She's *not* dead... but you will never see nor hear from her ever again." He deposited Picard in his Ready Room and left with no further ado. --- It was done. All of it. Beverly Howard was finally through with Jean-Luc Picard. "Are you sure about this, Beverly?" Admiral Adam Stangeon asked, concern coloring his voice. "Adam, I'm done... with Jean-Luc Picard and with Ba'ku. I have enough data to finish up my research," Beverly said. Stangeon narrowed his eyes at her, scrutinizing her face. "But... there's something different about you... " Nodding, Beverly said evenly, "Of course there is. A dream of mine has died. And part of me died with it." Somberly, Stangeon said, "I don't like that." "Nor do I... but it's the reality I was forced to face down there... " "God, Beverly... I'm so sorry for doing that to you... but I thought... " "You thought it was best if I faced it, right? I know, Adam, and I love you for it... but now it's time for me to get the hell out of Dodge and finish this up, start the next project... Just, go on, I guess. I'm... well, better isn't the word... maybe okay fits better." "I... I just don't know what to say... " Stangeon raked his hand through his hair, frustrated. "Will you at least tell me where you're going?" She shook her head, saying, "No, Adam... I don't even know where I'll end up now... I'll let you know when I get there?" Reluctantly he nodded. "All right, Bev... but promise me you'll let me know where you end up?" With a strange look in her eye, she replied, "I promise, I'll let you know where I end up." She closed the connection with a smile, which promptly faded when the screen went off... She looked at the message records, seeing that her message to Stangeon was saved... One of these days, she'd send it... The message that told him she'd decided to go *on*... --- Jean-Luc Picard sat in his Ready Room, staring blankly out at the stars through the viewport. //She can't be alive. He's lying... // he thought tiredly, drained from his ordeal. It almost didn't seem real, now that he was sitting in the quiet reality of the Ready Room. If he closed his eyes long enough... he could imagine it had never happened... He closed his eyes, immediately conjuring visions of Beverly and himself in that euphoric future... Remembering what Wesley had told him... Tears burned behind his eyes, a sob catching in his throat... //There is no way that she could be alive. Admiral Stangeon sent the obituary out Fleetwide. She's gone... // Picard opened his eyes, turning his gaze from the viewport to the cup of earl Grey cooling in front of him. //Wesley has certainly fulfilled his promise to make my life miserable... I never realized... // He sighed aloud, trying to process what had happened. The things he'd seen... the pain... --- Will Riker and Deanna Troi sat perched on the edge of their seats on the Bridge, watching the minutes tick by. A slight shimmer... A voice... "He's back... " They launched out of their seats simultaneously and headed for the Ready Room. --- The shuttlecraft was starting to look like home, strangely enough. After her luxurious quarters on the Enterprise, it was a radical change... but not all was for the worst. There was silence when she chose... such blessed silence. No comms calling her to Sickbay, no doorchimes which meant Deanna had a rough session and needed to talk and eat ice cream... no dinners or lunches or breakfasts with Jean-Luc... The name prompted less pain now. The silence helped. It gave her time to quiet the demons, reconcile the doubts and the ghosts. The silence brought her that much closer to peace. The clarity which had settled over her in the cave was a welcome antidote to the loneliness, the void she'd been living with. There was some pain, some doubt... but not enough to sway her mind. She'd finished the research rather quickly. It hadn't been all that difficult to decipher the secret of Ba'ku -- the metaphasic energy, amplified by the kelbonite deposits, caused a metaphasic field to keep the inhabitants forever young. She'd filed the report with Stangeon and gone on. "Are you sure about this, Beverly?" he'd asked. //Good thing he didn't realize the full import of what he was asking... // She sighed aloud, more tired than she had ever been. Adam would never have let her go if he'd known what she was thinking about. Beverly Howard sighed again, and set a course for Caldos. --- Wesley Crusher sighed, drained. His anger had seeped away somewhere along the line, during his adventure with Picard, most likely. He was sitting in the room he now called his own on Tau Ceti. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, centering himself... His eyes flew open. "Mother... " he whispered, anguished. "No... " --- The doorchime rang urgently, interrupting the web of thought Picard had ensnared himself in. "What?" he snapped. Two voice --"Captain?!" //Oh, no... they must have noticed... // Picard had been counting on no one noticing his absence, so no one would ask for answers he was loathe to provide. //Damn it... Now I'll never get a moment's peace... // Aloud, Picard muttered, "Come." Troi and Riker nearly fell over each other in their desperate rush to get inside -- an almost comical scene, if only the captain had been in the humor to appreciate it. "What is it?" he sighed, knowing the questions to come. Looking at each other, Deanna nodded to Riker to begin. "Sir, are you all right? Counselor Troi and I discovered you weren't on board the Enterprise. What happened?" //What *didn't* happen?// Picard thought with manic glee. He began to laugh softly, bitterness and pain turning the laugh into something dark and hideous. It gradually increased in volume until he was guffawing. "Just call me Ebenezer Scrooge!" he choked out. The laughter echoed in the Ready Room as Deanna Troi and Will Riker looked on helplessly. --- Beverly Howard sat on the sofa in front of the fireplace in her cottage on Caldos. Her grandmother's favorite afghan was wrapped around her like a warm embrace, and Beverly's own journal lay open on the table next to her. The fire roared before her, casting an eerie glow to her face and the scene. //It was nice to visit Nana's grave... It's so different, being here now... After all I've been through since... // She sighed, staring at the table next to her. //It's been so long since I was happy... // She closed her eyes, refamiliarizing herself with the scent of the house. Camellias were blooming outside, and she'd thrown the windows open, to flood the house with the rich scent of the roses. Combined with the fragrant cedar logs on the fire, the cottage smelled like a home. She could picture raising a family here... with the right person, of course... She sighed and snuggled deeper into the sofa, letting the dream wash over her, welcoming it, indulging it as she'd never done. Her hand absently brushed her neck, looking for the chain that was no longer there. A slight breeze blew in through the windows, yet the pages of her journal didn't stir, weighted down by the hypospray laying upon it. --- Jean-Luc Picard told the story haltingly, his voice just barely above a whisper. He spared no detail... not Wesley's taunting words, nor the beauty of that future he'd seen. "... And then he told me that... that Beverly is still alive... " he concluded with a shuddering sigh. "What?" whispered Deanna. "That's... that's impossible... " He nodded slowly. "I know, Counselor... but I can't help... Sighing, Deanna nodded wordlessly, understanding the captain's plight. "Captain, perhaps you should take some time off, get away from the Enterprise for a while. I think it was premature of us to assume you would be all right after such an... abrupt loss." Riker looked on helplessly. //Dear God... what if I ever lost Deanna?// he thought, inhaling sharply as the terror registered. "Yes, Captain," he said aloud. "I have no objection to acting as captain for however long you need to... to grieve." Picard looked from one to the other, weighing his options. To their surprise, he nodded. "Thank you," he whispered. He rose slowly, looking older than they'd ever seen him, and left the Ready Room. Silence descended upon the two remaining occupants. "I can't believe Wesley would do that," Deanna whispered, shaking her head. Quietly, Will stated firmly, "If anyone ever took you away from me... I'd do everything I could to make his life a living hell. I don't blame Wesley one bit." Shock brought Deanna's gaze directly to Will's, and the quiet promise in his eyes drove her to tears. She tremblingly reached out her hand for his. He clasped it firmly, then pulled her into his embrace. --- It was unnaturally still in the cave. A preternatural hush seemed to fall over the scene... this setting that had changed so many lives. Jean-Luc Picard gazed out over it, remembering. If he closed his eyes, he could even hear their voices... he could still see that tear running down Beverly's cheek... the only outward indication of her pain. He'd come back here to seek some peace... to find some closure. He'd tried to talk to Anij, but she hadn't wanted to see him. In fact, she'd even refused to open the door more than necessary to talk to him, refusing even to see his face. It had hurt, but he knew he deserved it. //Gods, I deserve anything that anyone decides to mete out... // he thought dismally. Wesley had made no further visits, apparently content that he'd done his duty to avenge his mother. //That he had... and then some... // Picard thought. So he'd come here. It seemed only right that he would come here to try and end the drama that had taken over his life. His footsteps echoed in the silence, and his every breath sounded like it was labored. //Echoes do strange things... // he thought to himself. //Echoes from the *past* do strange things as well... // he admitted. Everywhere he looked, he could see nothing but echoes of what had happened. Visions of Beverly's anguish... his own blindness... He sighed, looking down at the ground. //I'm... I'm so sorry, Beverly... Gods, I wish there were some way I could tell you... // He stopped short, looking down at a larger rock off to the side. It seemed like there was something peeking out from a corner... He stooped down carefully to pick it up. It was... a piece of paper? And next to it lay a small jewelry box that looked vaguely familiar... He sat on the rock to examine the paper further, realizing with surprise and sadness that it was for him. He suddenly knew exactly what it was... //Beverly... // he thought. //Wesley was right... // With trembling hands, he unfolded the paper. Her handwriting was just like her... graceful and elegant. With a sigh he began to read. 'Dear Jean-Luc, I don't know if you'll ever get this, and frankly, I hope you never will. No, I'm not dead, as I wanted everyone to believe. I realize now that that was a mistake. It was unfair of me to let everyone believe that I was. But it seemed like the best thing to do for my sanity. And it was for a while. I told Adam to make you all think that I'd died. I thought it would be better that way. I could have the privacy I wanted and needed, and no one would ever bother me again. I know, selfish of me, but then again, I was hurting badly. And I was, Jean-Luc. That's what I need to tell you here. You hurt me very badly, Jean-Luc, and I don't think you even realized it. In fact, I *know* you didn't realize it. I know you wouldn't hurt me on purpose... but you can and did hurt me out of ignorance. I suppose the first thing I should explain is Kes-Prytt. At dinner, you said maybe we shouldn't be afraid to explore our feelings, and I said maybe we should. I waited a beat to see some denial in your eyes, something that said that there was no reason to be afraid. I didn't get any indication that you were at all certain about what we should do, so I left. Jean-Luc, I can't take a risk not knowing if you were going to meet me halfway. I know it must've seemed like I was denying what I and what we felt, but I... Jean-Luc, I just needed to know you were sure. I saw the doubt and the hesitation in your eyes. I didn't need any implants to know that you were throwing that out there to see if I'd jump. I can't take a risk not knowing if it's reciprocal. So I left. And what you never saw behind that door was me on the other side, waiting, hoping against hope that you'd follow... that you wouldn't let me go. But you did. And I was too frightened by that to take a risk on you. And so we grew apart... but *my* love for you never wavered... though yours did. Do you think I could just ignore Lilly, Anij, all those other flings? I'm a human being. I couldn't just pretend that they were just there to comfort you. I knew you'd given up... way too soon. I refused to let go, though. I held on to hope by... by a delicate gold chain. That's the other item with the note. Recognize the box? It's the same box that you gave it to me in. I saved it, after all these years. I wore that necklace every day after you'd given it to me. So much for uniform regulations... But I couldn't *not* wear such a precious gift from the man I loved. Do you have any idea how much I missed you while I was at Starfleet Medical? Any idea how much I wanted to just be able to see your face, even if it was around the table in the Conference Lounge? And when I came back, and you gave me that wonderful gift... I knew I was falling in love with you. I thought that's what you meant by it, though I never had the courage to ask. I always thought of it as you giving me your heart. It was the most precious piece of jewelry anyone had ever given me. Yes, even more precious than my wedding ring. Why? Because I knew that you didn't give your heart easily, and I knew that if I could coax even a smile from you, my day was worthwhile. But all that changed, didn't it. I realize now I made a mistake after Kes-Prytt... but you made mistakes too! Goddamnit, Jean-Luc, how could you not see how I was holding my heart out to you? Day after day... no matter who or what else there was between us, my heart was always yours. That is, when I had one. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking as you told Anij you loved her. That's why I left. I couldn't stand seeing you. It hurt too much. Without my heart, I was useless as a doctor. Adam gave me the opportunity to just focus on my research, so I took it, in exchange for complete anonymity. He *is* the only one who knows where I am... but after I finish this, no one will know. I'm moving on again. It seems like that's my fate... to just keep moving from one place to another, hoping the past never catches up to me. It won't, I'm pretty sure. You'll never be able to find me, that's for sure. I wish there was some way to let you know how much this has hurt me to go through... how much pain it's caused me to let my dream die. It *has* died, though... I know now we can never be together. I would say 'it's all right'... but it's not. And there is nothing anyone can do to make it all right. And so I try to live, however I can... and if I can't... well, I won't get into that. I do love you, Jean-Luc... I always will. But I can never see you again. Goodbye, Jean-Luc. For the last time... goodbye. Beverly" There was no "love" or "yours always." Just simply "Beverly." That, more than anything indicated how much she was hurting. He suddenly felt very old, very tired. He opened the box, seeing just as he'd expected, the delicate gold chain, and the charm, the heart and the rose... his heart, and hers. That was how he'd always meant it. He looked a little more closely and realized that the chain... the chain was broken. A sob echoed in the stillness. Jean-Luc Picard sat in the cave, right where the cave in had nearly claimed Anij's life... but more tragically had claimed Beverly Crusher's heart. Unashamed, anguished, alone... he cried. --- The End