The BLTS Archive- A Frozen Moment by Priti Kataria --- Disclaimer: They're not mine. But I want them to be. Archive: Yes, please...but with spoiler warnings! --- he'd been pacing for an hour. It seemed too long for just one message. Especially this one. She had *the* message saved for years. She heaved a sigh. 'Years,' she thought to herself. 'I knew, someday...' It was a very simple message for a simple purpose. Her resignation. She had been pondering it for weeks. Seven weeks, three days, two hours and thirteen minutes, to be exact. She cursed herself for being able to calculate it so exactly. 'Damn it, Beverly...no, this *isn't* what you *want* to do, but it is what you *have* to do.' She had lost her heart. Something inside her died that day. Four meters of rock. Long minutes of waiting. And the sounds she would never forget. The sounds of Jean-Luc Picard appealing to Anij not to leave him...to 'live in this moment,' so they might be together. Beverly had started to shatter. And when they broke through, the sight that met her eyes ripped her with an anguish she had yet to fathom. Clutching Anij’s hand desperately, he'd looked into Beverly's eyes and begged hoarsely for the doctor to save her. And Beverly had. Of course she had. Who was she to deny Jean-Luc Picard anything...even the love of someone who wasn't her. With every healing breath Anij took, Beverly could feel her heart being broken. And the gratitude in Jean-Luc's eyes when Anij had awakened had finished it. Her heart whispered Jean-Luc's name one last time before the fire was extinguished. Anij had lived...but Beverly Crusher had died. But no one mourned. No one knew, not even Deanna. Beverly chuckled at the bitter irony. The empath, her best friend, didn't know. "I must give myself credit...my mental blockades are much improved," she said aloud. The sound of her voice echoed off the walls of her quarters. She took a breath, exhaled it as a little sob. She had let the walls down now...It was too late. She had made her decision. That was how she would begin her message. The *second* message. The one not to the captain, but to the man -- her old friend. "I know when you get these messages, you'll try and find me, stop me. I suppose that's why I decided to take time off. I don't want to be stopped, Jean-Luc. Honestly, I can't be any more. There was a time..." She paused, took a breath. "That doesn't matter any more, I suppose. I've given this a lot of thought. It's time for me to go on. So I'm resigning. But you know that, don't you. That message was sent out an hour ago. Yet you haven't answered it." She laughed again, a bitter laugh, the hurt crystallizing in her voice. "I suppose I shouldn't expect that. I just wanted to explain. I...I knew that someday, something would come between us. There's too much between us to begin with. And I knew somehow, that someday there would come a time where I couldn't serve with you. So the resignation has been saved for years. And the favors have been ready at a moment's notice. You won't find me, Jean-Luc. I've...I've made sure of that." She paused, raking a hand through her hair. "I don't want this message to hurt you. I just want to...I don't know, explain, perhaps. I've lost something here, Jean-Luc. I don't...I don't have the same passion for my work that I used to. I need to get that back. And until I do, I can't possibly be CMO. I can't be a doctor without it. You know that better than anyone. The day the job gets cold, clinical...that's when you lose your edge. I've lost it. So I need to go get it back. And when I do, Jean-Luc...I *won't* be coming back here. I'm sorry. More sorry than I can say. But I know that it's for the best...maybe not for you, but for me." She hung her head for a moment. "For once in my life, I'm going to do what's best for me. I...End message." She shook herself. 'It's over, Beverly...It's *finally* over.' She took a look around. Her quarters were empty. Her belongings had slowly and unobtrusively been transported to her shuttlecraft. 'Only the best for the former Head of Starfleet Medical. CMO on the flagship. With favors spanning the galaxy,' she thought bitterly. Everyone thought she was going on leave, and she'd be back in two weeks. She sighed. She'd set messages to be sent to her friends only after Jean-Luc had read his. Her departure would not be unduly noticed. She picked up her two remaining bags, took one long last look around, and walked out the door. The only thing that remained was one lone rose, laid carefully on her table. In the captain's quarters, the message terminal blinked. "Two new messages." The quarters themselves were dark and empty, just as she knew it would be. She had used her medical override one last time, and left one red rose on the message terminal, kissing it with a sigh. "Good-bye, Jean-Luc," she whispered. She grazed his sofa and her chair at breakfast with shaking fingers. "I love you." At 2032, the shuttlebay log recorded Beverly Crusher leaving the Enterprise. It was the only thing that noticed her departure that night. --- He entered his quarters at 2035, dropped his bags, and proceeded to make his preparations for bed. It had been a long leave, after all. But there was no way he would rather have spent it than with Anij. He was exhausted. The blinking message terminal and the rose went unnoticed, though his nose twitched slightly at the lingering scent of her perfume. --- He awoke, refreshed, eager to share the news of his leave. 'Hopefully Beverly would not be too busy to have breakfast with me this morning,' he thought to himself as he made the usual preparations. Coffee and croissants, as usual. The coffee cooled quickly, and the croissants lost their warmth as well, in that hour that passed as he sat, waiting. He was accustomed to her being late, but she would usually put in a call if she were going to be *this* late... 'Picard to Crusher.' He waited for her voice, probably frazzled, to answer the comm. Instead, the melodious voice of the computer replied, 'Doctor Crusher is not on board the Enterprise.' At this pronouncement, Jean-Luc sat slightly straighter in his chair. 'Of course!' he reminded himself. '*Her* leave started last night...' He finished off the coffee, not that there was much left -- he hadn't waited much -- and proceeded to go about the rest of his morning routine. As he walked over to the desk, the rose on the terminal caught his eye. Who could have possibly...A slight chill went through him as he looked down at the screen. Two new messages waiting...waiting since last night. Both from Beverly. With a sigh, he sat down to listen to them. --- It took him a total of forty-six minutes to listen to them enough times to realize and believe their import. She had resigned. *Resigned*. Without his permission. She had left the ship rather than tell him in person. How cold could she be? From the tone in her voice, she could be very cold. Something had happened...something had hurt her badly. 'Shouldn't I know what?' he thought. As he paused, he realized -- no, he shouldn't know. For the first time in twenty-five or so years, he was *not* completely dependent on knowing Beverly Crusher's every whim and emotion. With a start, he realized that it didn't even hurt. --- The stars were bright and beautiful, as always. They had no way of knowing the lone occupant of the shuttlecraft was praying desperately for them to dim. She couldn't handle brilliance of any sort. Her heart was cold -- what right did the stars have to warmth? The bitterness in her soul terrified her. No doctor could function with hate. The tears she had been fighting all this time finally began to fall. Not only had Anij taken away Jean-Luc, but she had taken Beverly's heart, and with it, Beverly's vocation. For the first time in her life, Beverly Crusher was honestly, truly, left with nothing. --- Confusion and irritation. That was the extent of it. Confusion, and irritation. Just another bother in the everyday scheme. He walked into the observation lounge with the message at his side, contemplating how to bring it up. 'Get the standard ship's business over with first, then ask,' he thought. It seemed sound enough advice. And so he did. He asked about general ship's functions, about the current supply mission, about crew evaluations -- just another day. As the senior officers prepared to disburse, Jean-Luc asked very calmly, "So, who was going to inform me of Dr. Crusher's resignation?" All six senior officers returned to their seats. Deanna, of course, spoke first. "What?!" Jean-Luc looked at her in confusion. "You mean she did not discuss this with you?" Deanna shook her head vehemently. "No, sir...I was simply under the impression that she was going on shore leave, and would return in two weeks." Narrowing his eyes at her, he asked rather pointedly, "Did you see her off last night?" Casting a guilty glance at Will Riker, Deanna shook her head and lowered her eyes. "No, sir." "I see," said Jean-Luc, looking from one to the other. He rose. "Well, I assume then, that this comes as somewhat of a shock to you. I intend to investigate the matter further. If anyone has any questions or information, please see me in my ready room. Dismissed." Picard left the room, while the rest of the senior staff sat in shocked silence. All eyes turned towards Deanna. For her part, the counselor was slumped in her chair, contemplating the glass tabletop. Riker, sitting across from her, saw the tears glittering in her ebony eyes. "I didn't know..." she whispered. "I'm her best friend, and I didn't know...I didn't even see her off..." She shook her head as the first tear slid down her face. Riker rose to comfort her. "I didn't know either, Dee. None of us did -- including the captain. She obviously wanted it that way." Deanna looked up at Will with pain deep in her eyes. "Obviously...but I don't even know why..." The rest of the senior staff filed out silently, leaving only the two in the observation lounge. Will wrapped his arms around Deanna, rocking her gently until her tears subsided. --- He sat in the Ready Room, checking the resignation. She hadn't even promised to return for an answer. It seemed her course was set. That meant only one thing. Her resignation had already been accepted by someone else. "Picard to..." He stopped. He was about to call on Worf to check Beverly's communication log, but instead decided to do the detective work himself. "Picard to Riker. Come to my Ready Room, Number One." He sat waiting for a few moments. What could be keeping Riker? Just as he was about to repeat the page, the Ready Room buzzer sounded. "Come." Riker walked in, looking downcast and impatient. "Sorry, sir. I was just talking to Counselor Troi about Beverly's resignation." Jean-Luc looked at him. "Is she all right?" he asked with a sigh. Riker met his gaze squarely for the first time since entering the room. "No, sir. She is most emphatically *not*. In fact, I'd like to request she be relieved of duty for the rest of the day." Silence for a moment, then, "Agreed. However, I will need you to take over the bridge. I intend to investigate Beverly's resignation further. I hope to have the matter resolved as soon as possible." Riker nodded. "If there is anything I can do to help, sir, please let me know." Picard looked up at his first officer. "I know, Will. I'll keep that in mind." He stood and motioned for Riker to exit before him, and both men proceeded out the door. --- Her work was her only salvation. She threw herself into her research to keep from succumbing to the pain inside. It was a pain so deep that if it did not fade first, she feared she would never recover. The work was her refuge, her shelter. It was the only way she had escaped, and so it was her escape route now. The deal was simple -- in exchange for her research skills, she would be granted invisibility. Beverly Crusher would successfully disappear. That was what she had intended. Her messages to all her friends aboard the Enterprise said the same thing -- though she loved and cared for them all, she would no longer stay in touch. She needed to sever all ties, and she did. The oppressive silence of the shuttlecraft deafened her. She needed some sound, something to keep her from concentrating on her solitude. Cueing a musical selection, she retrieved the stack of padds which contained all her research on the Ba'ku and their planet. After ten minutes of research, she realized she had chosen the wrong musical selection. It was classic, 20th century music...music her mother had loved. But she could not stand the song. Fleetwood Mac. Silver Springs. The refrain haunted her. The tears began to fall. They did not stop falling that night. They continued to fall well into the next. --- Picard stepped into his room, finally away from the prying eyes and accusing looks. He knew everyone was looking to him for a reason, for answers to the questions they all shared. 'How could she leave like that?' 'Why did she resign?' 'Where did she go?' 'Why didn't anyone stop her?' With every corner he turned in the corridor, he imagined those he passed were searching for an answer he did not, but somehow should, have. Why should he have answers for their questions? He was the captain, true, but he wasn't omnipotent... But he *had* loved her, for twenty-five years now. That alone should have been enough. He should know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. What in gods name had changed? He looked around his quarters, trying to determine how to start. The rose, laying on the message terminal still, drew his eye. He decided where to start. He picked up the rose and strode out of his quarters again. --- The emergency override command was one of the most useful ones for a captain to have. He used his authorization code to enter her quarters. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, he knew she had been hurt badly. All of her belongings were gone. Everything. Every trace of Beverly Crusher had been wiped from the quarters. He looked around, his heart aching for her pain, and saw the lone rose sitting on her table. He approached it cautiously, picked it up gently from the table. The rose she had left on her own table had a longer stem. On closer inspection, he found the rose she had left him had been a bud from the rose she had left on her own table. His hand trembled slightly as he held the two together, as they should be. Gently, he lowered them both to the table next to each other as they must have been. He sat, silent, looking at them, absorbing the yearning and the hurt they symbolized. He realized then that he had to find her. --- The tears continued to flow. Beverly found she could not staunch them, no matter how she tried. The pain was too raw to be controlled or contained any longer. 'If you hurt, lass, then you still have a heart to *be* hurt...' She smiled through her tears, remembering all the times her Nana had told her that. That gentle Scotch accent sounded clearly in her memory. 'When you get cold, when you *stop* hurting...then you know you're done for...' A vision of her Nana rose before her, smiling. 'Nana would've loved Jean-Luc,' she thought. The thought only caused more sorrow. The tears increased. The ache sharpened to a knife's edge. Anguish swept her, clouding all other thoughts. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???!!!" The howl of rage, agony, torment, was torn from her throat from the very fiber of her being. The sound echoed in the shuttlecraft, filling the space with her fury and despair. "GODDAMN YOU JEAN-LUC PICARD!!!" Having let out the worst of her anguish, she crumpled to her knees on the shuttlecraft floor and cried. But when she finally rose, the resolve in her eyes was eerie to behold. She knew what she had to do. She had to make sure he would never find her. --- Days passed on the Enterprise. Jean-Luc searched her communications log, only to find that the records of her last week on the Enterprise were erased. Beverly Crusher was no fool, and she proved it to him time and again. The only one on the ship who had known she was going to resign was her. Once he had given up on her logs, he turned to the next logical source of information -- Starfleet Medical. It was there he discovered who accepted Beverly's resignation and how she had disappeared. "*I* approved it myself," said Admiral Adam Stangeon. A former head of Starfleet Med himself, Stangeon was one of Beverly's closest friends. "Beverly expressed the fervent wish to leave the Enterprise and I would have been a fool not to accept her offer." "What offer was that, Admiral?" Picard asked warily. "Why, to commit herself entirely to her research in exchange for a shuttlecraft and complete secrecy. Didn't you know?" "No, I did not, sir. Although, I'm certain you were aware of that." Stangeon narrowed his eyes at the captain. "And if I was, Captain? What right have *you*, of all people, to question Beverly's decision?" "What do you mean by that, Admiral?" Jean-Luc said, letting his confusion show plainly in his eyes. Picard's expression seemed to have some effect on the admiral. "Are you saying you *really* don't know why she left?" Meeting the admiral's gaze squarely, Jean-Luc admitted, "No, sir." The admiral held Jean-Luc's gaze as he replied. "Then I pity you, Captain Picard. If she didn't tell you, she obviously did not want you to know." Stangeon cleared his throat and stated firmly, "Doctor Crusher's whereabouts have been sealed in the interests of Federation security." The security code took Jean-Luc aback. "Surely you can't mean that, Admiral...The *highest* security clearance?" "I do indeed mean it, Captain Picard. I have accepted her resignation from the Enterprise and she is now under the jurisdiction -- *and protection* - - of Starfleet Medical and the Federation Council." Stangeon's gaze and demeanor softened slightly. "I *am* sorry, Captain. You have lost the finest doctor in the Fleet. But your loss is our gain, and *we* are not afraid to take advantage of her skills." The emphasis on the "we" disturbed Picard. "Admiral, what exactly do you mean?" Stangeon shook his head. He murmured something under his breath, and then simply ended the transmission. Picard leaned back in his chair in the Ready Room contemplating the interview. He could have sworn that Stangeon had whispered, "You fool." --- If there was one thing that held true about Beverly Crusher regardless of the circumstances, it was that she could do anything she set her mind to. She had made her decisions at 0942, and the results were in at 1429. By 1429 hours, Beverly Crusher was gone. It took one communiqué to Adam, and it was done. Beverly Crusher was no more. Beverly *Howard*, however, suddenly reappeared in her place. She had decided to reclaim her maiden name, not out of disrespect for Jack, but for her own peace of mind. She knew if Jean-Luc decided to look for her, he would be searching for Beverly Crusher. He would never think to look for Beverly Howard. 'The question is, *will* Jean-Luc look for me?' She shook her head, trying to shake the thought. Too late. She closed her eyes at the wave of agony and sorrow which swept through her. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes again. She was almost growing used to the ache. It was her constant companion on her lonely journey. That was the second accomplishment. She had acquired unlimited access to Federation starbases across the galaxy with the assurance her presence would be guarded with the utmost secrecy. 'In the interests of Federation security,' she laughed to herself. After all, she was one of the Federation's most precious commodities. The greatest researcher in the galaxy. "I never meant to get into research so much," she said aloud. She'd taken to keeping a running personal log for company. With a smile, she thought to herself, 'And Deanna would call it good therapy.' Her smile faded slowly. 'Deanna...I'm sorry...I wish I...' The tears started again, but this time she brushed them away. "I'm sorry, Deanna," she said, "But I can't take the risk of Jean-Luc finding me. I'm not strong enough." The last accomplishment had been the most painful. The first research she had been assigned was to discover the secret of the Ba'ku. To do that, she was forced to do the one thing she never wanted to do -- return there. --- The days and weeks began to pass even slower for Picard. He now had breakfast in the morning in front of his communications terminal, talking to Anij. It was actually wonderful, talking to her every morning over coffee and a croissant. They kept each other up to date on their lives. Jean-Luc relished the time spent with her as the calm before the storm of the day. And it *was* indeed a storm. He had promoted Dr. Selar to CMO and Sickbay had never run more smoothly. But every morning at the staff meeting, the rest of the senior staff had seemed perpetually surprised at her presence, as though they were expecting Beverly to suddenly reappear. Deanna Troi was still doing an exemplary job as ship’s counselor, but she suddenly did not seem to have the same enthusiasm on the bridge or in staff meetings. Understandably so, of course -- she had lost her best friend. Riker seemed to have gotten much closer to the counselor since Crusher resigned. They seemed to spend all their free time together. But Riker no longer had his Tuesday night poker games. "All the good competition left," he’d said. The staff still did their jobs as well as they had, and almost always with the same passion. Still, heavy in the air hung the feeling that something was missing, something important. Beverly Crusher. Her seat in the Observation Lounge had remained empty for three weeks after she had left. Picard had had to talk to Selar about taking the seat. The Vulcan had calmly explained, "The senior staff has not yet accepted me as permanent Chief Medical Officer, therefore I feel it is illogical to force them to do so by claiming Dr. Crusher’s seat." Selar was right. No one had truly admitted Beverly was not coming back. They didn’t want to. As the weeks lengthened to a month, they were forced to. And Selar had taken Crusher’s seat, as she’d said she would. Life went on. But there were days when Jean-Luc would have given anything to have Beverly back again. --- The trip to the Ba'ku world was the longest Beverly Crusher had ever taken -- not for its physical distance, but for the mental odyssey it entailed. "Deanna," she said ruefully, tearfully, to her log, "you never told me how to deal with *this*...What do your psych texts have to say about going back to the place where you lost..." Beverly paused, her voice dropping to an anguished whisper, "where you lost...everything..." The pain hadn't abated much in the interlude. One month had passed since she had left the Enterprise. The flight plan itself budgeted three days to get to her destination. She ended up taking thirty. She stopped everywhere and anywhere. Her mind could not countenance such a swift return to the site of her greatest loss. So she stalled. And stalled more. Not a very typical thing to do, but it was the only thing she *could* do under the circumstances. She had stopped at every starbase along the way, and a few that *weren't*, trying to steel herself against her return. She'd taken more time than necessary around the Briar Patch. Anything and everything to slow down her return. And here she was. A geo-synchronous orbit of the planet where she'd lost herself. She'd already reviewed all the information she had about the Ba'ku and the Son'a. All that was left was field research. Probably the most difficult field research she had ever done. She felt the tears welling as she looked down at the planet. Loneliness, the likes of which she had never allowed herself to succumb to, swept over her. Alone. Nothing. The words echoed endlessly through her head. She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging them close. Closing her eyes, she hummed a tune, back from her dancing days -- a slow bluesy tune, by...some artist long since gone. But its message was just what she needed to think about -- "We do what we can." It brought her back to her center. The core of strength she drew on in times of crisis still remained. It had simply taken more time than usual to find. But find it she did. "Computer -- one to beam down." She shimmered and disappeared. --- It was days like today. These were the days that made him yearn to have Beverly back on the Enterprise. A "simple" evacuation. A "standard" delivery mission. Translated -- two-hundred and fifty-seven civilians packed into every available space on the Enterprise, being efficiently taken care of by CMO Selar and her staff, but constantly drawing on Deanna to soothe their nerves, and an away team that came back to the Enterprise only to be put into quarantine for a day. Beverly's bedside manner and warmth would have been the perfect salve for the refugees, and she would have managed to provide for the away team in quarantine as well. Captain Jean-Luc Picard could not complain about Selar's medical skills, but that ineffable something more was just missing. Beverly's warmth. Beverly's caring. It was noticeably absent from Sickbay now. Selar ran an efficient -- but somehow, colder -- medical staff. But there were the selfish reasons, too. Jean-Luc continued to spend most of his mornings having breakfast with Anij. *Most*. There were those mornings where Anij was busy in the village and couldn't drop everything to talk to him. And that's when the loneliness set it. Her chair at his table sat conspicuously empty, reminding him of his loss every time he turned around. As if he needed to be reminded. He found himself on more than one occasion calling to Sickbay, expecting Beverly's voice to answer him. And the ache in his heart from seeing her quarters hadn't faded with time. The roses lay on *his* table now, a small memorial to the woman who he had spent most of his life loving. They had been put into stasis, frozen exactly as they were that day. He'd been trying to find her ever since. Stangeon and he talked nearly every week, and the answer was still the same -- interests of Federation security. So Picard started his *own* inquiries. And still nothing. There was no record of Beverly Crusher's presence anywhere. She had truly disappeared. Every day that passed without word caused something in Jean-Luc to die a little. He filled the void with Anij, talking to her, reminding himself that he'd found someone else to love. But deep inside him was the feeling that Anij wasn't enough. --- The planet was just as beautiful as Beverly remembered. The trees were taller, the grass was greener, the air fresher than anywhere else. It didn't make her feel any better, being there in such extraordinary surroundings when inside all was desolate. She reminded herself of her research and set off through the countryside. She'd chosen to wear the reflective suit, not wanting to be noticed in any way. She could barely accept being there to herself, let alone explaining to anyone else. The grief grew sharper as she tromped through the familiar turf. It seemed like so much time had passed since she was last there. For her, it certainly had. She looked out on the landscape but only saw its aesthetic beauty. There was no corresponding chord in her heart. Her heart knew only pain. Her heart lay in a cave, in the hills. But did she have the strength to return *there*? 'No,' she thought quietly. 'Not yet. Maybe never.' She pulled the tricorder from her pack and began the necessary scans. --- Deanna Troi sat quietly in her quarters, as had become her habit when Will wasn't around. He was still on bridge duty, though she knew he wanted nothing more than to be with her. It was morbidly ironic, how Beverly's leaving had affected her relationship with the first officer. The physical attraction between the two was rekindled during their romp with the Ba'ku, but the emotional connection -- *that* had only re-emerged afterwards, as the two had watched Beverly slowly drift away. Deanna had known Beverly was hurting, but she...she hadn't taken the time to talk to her. The guilt flooded her again, followed by the reassuring flow of Will's voice -- 'Imzadi...you couldn't know...' She smiled. The years hadn't diminished their sense for one another. When they made love, the link was as strong as it had ever been -- if not stronger. Will spent most of his days linked with Deanna now. It was immensely reassuring to feel his love as she sat thinking about her folly. 'It wasn't folly, Deanna...you had no way of knowing,' he thought to her. 'I know, Imzadi, but I can't help but feel that I should have known somehow.' 'How? You can't get inside her head, no matter how much you might want to. Beverly has always been a very private person with her suffering.' Deanna acknowledged that, and the guilt diminished. She could feel Will smiling. 'That's better. I'll be back soon.' Will's voice faded into the background of her thoughts. 'If only there were some way I could find out where she was...' Deanna thought regretfully. Beverly had stayed true to her promise -- she hadn't contacted anyone from the Enterprise for any reason. Deanna sighed. Even a short message would have been better than this silence, this void that had built. Her thoughts turned to the rest of the Enterprise crew. Each had found a way to cope -- she and Will had turned to each other, Geordi somehow seemed more willing to take chances on romance. Data had taken up tap dancing as a serious pursuit. The thought made Deanna smile even wider. 'The Dancing Doctor...' Data had revealed that little tidbit at one of the poker games Will had tried after Beverly had left. The thought of Beverly Crusher tap dancing had made them all laugh, but Data had assured them the doctor was quite accomplished. A little digging, and he had found records of her award-winning tap performances. They'd sat around, watching her dance her heart out -- something they'd never seen her do. It had helped them heal. But it also made the emptiness that much larger. They had learned how to bridge it now, but it could never be filled until they knew. Where was she? What was she doing? Was she all right? These incessant questions were never far from Deanna's thoughts. But there was one question which haunted her like no other. Why did she go? The counselor had her theories, all centering around one person -- Captain Jean-Luc Picard. With a sigh, Deanna consigned the thoughts to the periphery. 'Whenever you're ready, Beverly...I'll be here to help.' Smiling slightly, Deanna could imagine Beverly's reply. 'I know, Dee. You, me, my problems, and two chocolate fudge sundaes.' It was one of the first genuine laughs Deanna had in a month. --- Well, that's my happy quota for the day! The basement's dry...but I'm feelin' slightly ill...hopefully I'll still get the part fives out with little to no delay. Happy reading! Feedback welcome, as usual...And hope no one minds the lyrics at the end...The Audiostation on Win 95 is a *good* thing! =) Music is a wonderful inspiration... We Do What We Can Sheryl Crow Tuesday Night Music Club Downstairs they're playing Kenton The house set to swing I lay in my bed And listen to everything Cause Leo's in rare form tonight His trombone sings so sweet This is the room where they all Come to meet He said -- I do what I can I live for the moment And that's who I am Yeah, that's who I am And isn't it good? If we could freeze moments in time We all would But I do what I can... Downstairs he's playing Kenton The Magnavox sighs But oh how the music has changed In all of our lives He says "nobody listens to modern jazz" And I'll never have what those guys had He says -- I do what I can I work for a living That's who I am Yeah, that's who I am It's good to be alive But everything's different since Leo died I do what I can Break: Is this the end of the modern world? What could it mean for a young girl Who sees the pain in his face He does what he can The procession on the TV screen What could it possibly mean for a man Who's come this far just to turn around Could there still be life in Kenton's swing With the Kennedys gone and everything Those sad rows of houses with their optimistic colors Democrat grandparents and draft-dodging brothers Riots down the street and discontented mothers We do we can Downstairs it's quiet Less alive somehow Somehow he was everything I am now He says -- I do what I can I work for a living That's who I am Yeah, that's who I am It's good to be alive These are the choices We make to survive You do what you can... --- She was all business. Despite whatever pain she was in, she knew her purpose. Beverly Howard was there to do research, no more, no less. No one could know how much it was killing her inside. While she acknowledged the affects of the planet, she couldn't revel in them like the Ba'ku did. All they were was a reminder of what she had lost. All she had lost. Time lost. Friends lost. Lovers lost. Chances, forever passed. Will and Deanna *had* managed to rekindle the past flame...'But theirs was a relationship based on the physical first,' she thought to herself. 'No offense to the two of them, but just rekindling the physical attraction is what precipitated all other events, not the other way around.' Not her...and Jean-Luc. It was so much more than physical for them. '*Was*,' she thought. 'I've lost it.' The thought echoed in her head, mocking her attempts at control. She had lost everything she had ever wanted, needed, had, here on this planet. It was all taken away from her in one frozen moment. It was painfully easy. Seeing him finally, completely turn away from her love. That was all it took. Seeing the love in his eyes, not for her any longer. Someone else had taken her place. Beverly had lost everything. Everything. The word echoed, torturing her. 'There is nothing left for you, Beverly.' Her thoughts mocked her. '*You* *have* *nothing*. You are alone, you have been forgotten, forsaken by the man you love. You have nothing left. *NOTHING*!!' The pain ripped through her again, throwing her to her knees. She couldn't stand it. The overwhelming loss...She sat on the ground, the tricorder forgotten, research forgotten. She cried. She cried for all she had lost. For the lost loves, the missed opportunities. For her heart, her career. For the one man in all the universe that she could love -- *truly* love -- for the rest of her life. For her fear. For her hesitation. For letting the gap between them widen. For letting first Lilly, then Anij, get in her way. For not saying what was in her heart when she had the chance. For letting it all go. She caught herself on the last thought, the sob dying in her throat. '*I* let it go. I *let* myself be defeated.' She could barely breathe with the realization. 'There is no one to blame but me.' Beverly Howard reeled with the thought. She had always had it in her power to make a move. But she didn't. Except for that one night... 'Kes-Prytt...' The name swept through her mind, opening wounds that had never healed. 'Maybe we should be afraid...' she'd said. The tears began to fall again, softer this time. 'Jean-Luc...how could you let me leave like that? Didn't you know I wanted you to follow? I needed to know you were willing to *risk* for us. I needed reassurance. I needed you to stop me. Was it so hard to see?' She'd turned back, waiting for him to follow. He hadn't. He hadn't. He'd accepted her statement at face value and had simply let her walk away. Why? How could he just let it go like that? He had *felt* the intensity of her feelings for him. And still he let it die that night. Then again, so had she. She hadn't gone back to challenge him. She hadn't gone back. She'd been too hurt to go back. So they'd settled back into the old routine. 'Tension so thick you could cut it with a knife, yearning like nothing I've ever felt before,' she thought with a sigh. 'Same ol' same ol'.' But if he had ever opened his arms to her again, there would have been no hesitation. He didn't. He turned to Lilly first. Now, he turned to Anij. The thought brought Beverly back to her purpose. 'Research. That's what I'm here for. Not to rehash the past.' She picked herself up, picked up the tricorder, and took the remainder of the readings in the valley. But in the back of her mind, a new iron resolve was forged. She was going back to the caves. She was going to reclaim her heart. --- Jean-Luc Picard sat in his Ready Room, restlessly tapping his fingers on his desk. Both Anij and Admiral Stangeon were otherwise occupied. And the affairs of the Enterprise just didn't seem to fill the gap. He had never been so up to date with his paperwork in his entire Starfleet career. Not even as an idealistic young captain. He was now. His days revolved around breakfast with Anij, his shifts on the bridge, lunch in his Ready Room over paperwork, a light workout, dinner, and sleep. It was a very efficient schedule. It was also emptier than he wanted to admit. 'How did I fill in all the gaps?' he thought to himself. He put down the PADD he was holding and leaned back in his chair, thinking. With a smile he remembered, 'Well, staff meetings always took longer...Beverly would rush in ten minutes late with some story or another of some patient who needed a little extra care...She'd always bring pictures of something or another for some reason when there wasn't any pressing business to discuss.' He chuckled lightly. 'Then, she'd always find *some* excuse to come to the Ready Room and debate the Prime Directive, or some other thing. Keep us both occupied for hours...' He shook his head. 'It'd always end in a draw, and we'd go have dinner or something afterwards.' 'Beverly...' The name evoked so many nuances of emotion. 'I never realized how much of a part of my life she was...' Sorrow. 'How could she leave without telling anyone where she was going?' Regret. 'How could I have let such a precious friendship wither away...' Confusion. 'What did she want from me, though? I couldn't wait for her forever...' Love. The last emotion drew him up short. He thought it was gone. It had died that night. 'Kes-Prytt...' The name brought a bitter taste in his mouth. 'How could she leave me like that? Everything could have been so different...' "Jean-Luc? My love, are you all right?" "Anij..." he sighed. "What is it, love?" she asked gently. "I..." He couldn't. How could he say what he felt? It would hurt her - - *and* him -- too much... "Jean-Luc, I don't know what it is, but we shouldn't be afraid to explore your feelings...Please, talk to me..." The plea brought the confession forth from his lips. --- "I've lost someone very special to me, and I don't know what to do..." "I see...How did this happen?" "*I* did it. I drove him away." Deanna Troi sat in her office, another typical counseling session. If she hadn't known any better, she'd say the entire Enterprise crew was suffering from the aftermath of Beverly Crusher's resignation. Her 'relationship problem' patients had nearly tripled in the month following the doctor's departure. It made sense. The entire crew had sensed the feelings of the captain and the doctor, and they had all seen the fallout when the captain turned to other women. When she left the ship... "I'd just seen another wonderful relationship crumble in front of me, and I guess I was pushing too hard...But Deanna, I didn't want to take the chance that our relationship would just deteriorate and disappear...We'd been on again, off again...I just wanted to solidify something...and...I lost it..." Ensign Hannah Lener said. Lener was a regular helmsman on the bridge. In fact...she was usually on duty at the same time as Captain Picard. "I'm so sorry, Hannah. How are you feeling now?" "Lost. Lonely." "What can you do about that, do you think?" "I suppose...I could try and get the friendship back...we were best friends, Deanna...I can't believe I lost that..." "Sometimes these things just don't work out, Hannah...No matter how hard we try, we can't control anyone else's heart." --- "I'm just thinking about Beverly Crusher...Wondering where she is now..." Jean-Luc said. He immediately regretted his slip. 'How could I go down this path? I can't tell her everything...but I'll have to explain...' "Oh? Why is that?" Anij asked, curiosity coloring her voice. "What do you mean?" "Well, I was under the impression that you'd given up on finding her," she said, adding, "That admiral refuses to tell you anything, so...?" He shrugged with a smile. "I just can't give up that easily, I suppose. I *have* known her for almost thirty years..." "Really? Love, you've never told me that!" "Haven't I?" Jean-Luc smiled again. "Haven't I been remiss..." Inwardly he breathed a sigh of relief. 'How could I have considered telling her everything? Thank goodness she's accepting the partial truths...' But somewhere inside, he was disappointed she hadn't pushed farther. --- She took the readings in the valley as quickly as she was able, while being thorough. Her sense of purpose would not be denied. Yes, she was there to do research, but something more pressing was the impetus now. 'I want my life back. I left the Enterprise to get my heart back. It's time to do just that.' Such resolve startled Beverly. Just a few hours ago, she'd been lost in despair, words like 'nothing,' 'empty,' 'lost,' her closest companions. Now... 'I have hope.' The thought was crystal clear in its truth. Somehow, she had found hope in her dismal situation. Hope for rebirth. Hope for something better. 'Bless youthful optimism!' she thought with a grin. 'It has to be the planet...' She looked around. She saw beauty. Greens and blues, vibrant colors. Sweet smells. She saw hope. 'Two more stops on our lovely tour of Ba'ku! Next stop, the Ba'ku village, complete with requisite floozy!' She giggled and went on her way. --- "What else haven't you told me, Jean-Luc?" she asked. 'That I was in love with her. That I *am* in love with her.' "Nothing important, love. Don't worry." "If you say so...I trust you," Anij said with a smile. "So how is everything?" The conversation turned to more mundane topics -- ship's business, the daily affairs of the village. Nothing to strike Jean-Luc's heart. If only he'd known how close he was to finding her... --- She stood outside the cottage looking in through the open door. 'Too tempting,' she thought. Beverly Howard had made it to the village surprisingly quickly. 'More of that youthful energy,' she'd thought. The readings went surprisingly quickly as well. She hadn't been so efficient and sure of herself in years. 'No wonder my research takes so long now!' she laughed gently to herself. 'An added benefit, I suppose...Some meager compensation for being here...with *her*...' She resumed her contemplation of Anij's cottage. The open door was almost too inviting...The possibilities... She smiled to herself. 'It seems I'm doing better already...' It was true. She *was* better. In fact... She was ready. The cave beckoned. She started off to answer. --- Beverly Howard shivered as she looked inside the cave. The buoyant optimism she'd felt on her trek through the mountains had faded in the face of the reality before her. It was *the* cave. She could still see, vividly, the cave-in...could feel the rush of pure panic that had flooded her when she could not determine which one of them was dying. The relief when she heard Jean-Luc was all right. Then the ache that began when she heard the pain in his voice. She heard the concern and the fear. Ambivalent emotions swirled through her, unrestrained. Anger, hurt, pain, loss, resentment...She would do for Anij as she would for Jean-Luc. The Hippocratic Oath bound her to do so. But the emotions...the woman, not the doctor, could not reconcile the bitterness in her with the need to save the woman who had taken the man she loved from her. So, she did the only thing she could. She shut down. The woman known as Beverly Crusher had died in those precious moments. Three words, sharper than any dagger, had pierced her, killed her. "I love you, Anij..." he'd said. "Don't leave me..." Beverly had heard the tears in his voice over the open commlink. In that instant, Beverly Crusher had died. He'd said "I love you"...to someone else. He was gone. Lost to her. She had nothing. //Nothing...that word again...// she thought. //That is what killed me. Losing Jean-Luc...I couldn't function...It's a miracle I lasted as long as I did...// She was fortunate, at least. //Thank heavens for small favors...Deanna was too preoccupied with monitoring Jean-Luc she didn't feel the turmoil in me...Before she could turn her attention to me, it was gone,// she remembered. And now she was here, again. To reclaim that which she had lost. She took her first step inside. --- Jean-Luc Picard sat in his Ready Room, contemplating the blank comm screen in front of him. His conversation with Anij still resonated in the silent room. //Gods, how could I even *consider* telling her? It would be madness...Wouldn't it?// he thought to himself. //How could I risk hurting her, losing her?// The answer to the question came unbidden. //Because I still love Beverly...// He shook his head, as though by the physical action he could dispel the emotion. //No...I've moved on...// The voice in his mind answered, upsetting the careful balance of emotions in the captain's psyche, unraveling the tenuous restraint he imposed on himself. //Then why this desperate search? Why must you find her?// He refused to contemplate the answers to the questions he posed, trying desperately to reinforce the illusion he had created for himself. He tried to call to mind the faces of those he had cared for after...Kes-Prytt. Lilly. Anij. But all he could see of them was shaded by Beverly Crusher. His sharp breath echoed in the silence. He shook his head again, but could not shake the thought that haunted him. //How long have I been fooling myself?// he asked himself. //Too long...// the answer came. "Picard to Troi," he called. "Troi here. Yes, Captain?" "My Ready Room, please." "Yes, sir." --- He asked Troi the same question he'd asked himself. "How long have I been fooling myself?" he asked. Deanna Troi smiled slightly, serene, as though she had expected this all along. "In what way, sir? Fooling yourself that it was just *idle* interest in finding Beverly? Fooling yourself in thinking the entire crew didn't know differently?" He fought the smile for as long as he could. "I see. That long?" "Yes, sir." The smile broke through, though half-hearted and self-effacing at best. "Advice, Counselor?" "Permission to speak freely, sir?" "Granted," he said hesitantly. //Pray don't make me regret it.// "There is one other factor in this equation," Troi stated, locking her eyes with his. "Anij," he sighed. "I know. Deanna, I *truly* believe I'm in love with her." "As much as you *can* be, Captain, I will grant you that. But tell me this, is it fair to keep this from her?" Sighing, he admitted, "I...I almost told her before...when I was talking to her..." The counselor nodded slowly. "I see. What stopped you?" Closing his eyes, he whispered, "Because I know I would lose her. I would lose her for the sake of Beverly's ghost." Gently, Deanna interjected, "Not 'ghost,' Captain. She's out there somewhere. It's a matter of finding her." "And then what? That is, if I can find her at all! 'Interests of Federation security,' indeed!" "You do the one thing that is hardest for you." The quiet honesty in her voice dissolved the last of the captain's illusions. //I *do* love Beverly...more than ever...// "What's that?" he asked aloud, though he suspected he knew the answer. He did. "You have to tell her how you feel," Troi said firmly. "Explain to her why you've turned away from her." The counselor paused, knitting her brow in thought, then began, "She..." Confusion shrouded his expression at her aborted statement. "Deanna? What is it?" "In her message to me...she...she told me why she was leaving." Deanna paused, sighing, turning her eyes away from the captain. "She left because of you. It..." Breathing deeply, she met his gaze again. "It hurt too much when she lost you." Shock and disbelief reverberated through the captain. "What?" he choked out. Collecting herself, Deanna repeated, "It hurt too much when she lost you to Anij." "She...she told you this?" "Yes...on the condition I didn't tell you," said Deanna softly. "I have to find her," he stated, iron resolve in his voice. "I know," she said quietly. "How?" Deanna could only shake her head helplessly. --- Anij sat in her cottage, contemplating the blank screen before her with a smile as his image faded. //I hope he's all right...// she thought with a sigh. He had worried her with this quest for Doctor Crusher. She'd thought...//It seems so silly...// she thought with a bemused smile. //He couldn't *possibly* be in love with her...They barely spoke...Then again...if they've known each other for years...that itself seems odd...// She paused. //*Could* there have been something between them? Something that went wrong, perhaps?// She dismissed it all with a sigh, gathered her shawl, and set off for her daily pilgrimage to the cave where she'd almost died in his arms. --- Beverly Howard shivered as she stepped inside the cave. A cold chill assailed her, seeping into her bones. //Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...// she thought ruefully. The voice of her own reason spoke up, contradicting her, soothing her fears and doubts. //You *need* to do this. If you can't say goodbye to him here, today...You'll never be free until you can tell him goodbye...// Closing her eyes, she sighed, her hand groping for the chain she wore. She'd worn it underneath her uniform every day since the day she'd gotten it...about eight years ago...from Jean-Luc. It was a "welcome back" present, when she'd returned from her abbreviated stint at Starfleet Medical. "I had to find *some* way to thank you for coming back and getting Pulaski off my hands," he'd said. He'd invited her to dinner, and afterwards, over wine, he'd pulled the box from behind the sofa. Her hands had trembled as she opened it, not knowing how to react to such a show of emotion in the man she was growing to love. Inside the box, on a velvet lining, lay a beautiful delicate gold chain. At the end of the chain lay a precious gold charm...a heart, outlined in gold, with a gold rose running through the middle of it. Beverly would never forget the electric thrill that went through her as his hands brushed her neck, closing the clasp. She'd worn it every day since, a reassurance of the love they had for each other, though unexpressed. She'd worn it as an expression of her hope for their future. //What future?// she asked herself bitterly. //He has Anij now...he doesn't need my love...// Wrapping her arms around herself, she trudged on through the cave, determined to confront her demons. //Why am I even doing this? What will looking at the site of the cave- in do? As if my heart is laying there, beating, waiting to be picked up and coddled...// She laughed softly at the strange imagery, and her sanity answered her questions. //Looking at the site will either help you let go, or help heal you enough to go back and fight for him.// Her internal monologue continued as she walked. //Deanna would have a field day with this...// //I know...// //You mean, *we* know...// //What, split personalities now, Beverly?// //Not split...Just diverging...// //Mm-hmm...Whatever you'd like to tell yourself...// //Do I really want to fight for him?// //Do you really want to let him go?// //I don't know...Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I just did?// //Easier for Jean-Luc and Anij...but is it what *you* want?// //I...// //Don't worry...you'll know when you get to the cave-in...// --- "Admiral Stangeon, I know you have little to no regard for my concern about Beverly, but you must understand, it is imperative that I find her. I *must* speak to her..." Jean-Luc Picard pleaded. Admiral Adam Stangeon looked at Jean-Luc coldly. //*Now* you have to speak to her? Isn't that wonderful...// Firmly, Stangeon said, "As I have stated previously, Captain Picard, Dr. Crusher's whereabouts are sealed in the interests of Federation security. There is no way around such security protocol, Captain." "But Admiral..." "And if I may say so, Captain, I find it rather ironic that you were completely unaware Dr. Crusher was leaving the Enterprise, yet now you seem almost desperate to find her. Perhaps you should have paid more attention when she was still under your jurisdiction. However, now she is under *mine.* Her whereabouts are *sealed,* Captain, and they shall remain so until further notice. Good day, sir." "Admiral, please!" Stangeon paused with his finger poised to cut off the transmission. "What is it, Captain..." he sighed. "Sir, at the very least...if you talk to Dr. Crusher, please...just tell her that I'd like to talk to her if she would permit it." //Impressive, Picard...// Stangeon thought. //You *are* getting anxious...// He nodded slowly. "I will do that. Good day, Captain." "Thank you, Admiral. Good day to you." Stangeon cut the transmission, then leaned back in his seat. Aloud he said to no one, "Well, Bev...I hope you know what you're doing..." --- Picard sighed and turned to Deanna Troi. "Do you see what I mean? Deanna, no matter how determined I am to find her, I will never get past Adam Stangeon. It's as if he knows something I don't..." "It's entirely possible," Deanna murmured. "What? Deanna, if you know something..." She sighed. "I know Adam Stangeon is one of her closest friends outside of the Enterprise crew, thus it's entirely likely that he knows exactly why she left, just as I do." Picard dropped his head to his hands atop his Ready Room desk. "In other words," he said quietly, "he doesn't trust me not to hurt her." Deanna considered her answer for a moment. She simply responded, "Yes." "Then what am I to do?" he groaned tiredly. She rose from her seat on the sofa and crossed the room to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You've done all you can. You asked Stangeon to let her know you want to speak to her. He'll do that much. The rest is really up to Beverly now." "I just hope..." Picard trailed off. "I know, Captain," Deanna said quietly. "I do too." --- //Oh my god...// The thought reverberated through her head, disbelief cloaking her thoughts. //It can't be...// --- She stopped dead in her tracks, looking around her in wonder. //This is it...This is the place.// Beverly sighed as she let the emotions flow through her again...the memories of the pain and anger...the grief and loss... She could hear the echo of his words, of all their voices, the chaos that characterized those precious minutes where she heart him give his heart to another... She clutched the chain tightly, holding it as a talisman against the ache that pulsed through her. The thought came with crystal clarity. //I can't say goodbye...I refuse to give up on my love for him...I refuse to give up hope.// --- "Doctor Crusher!" she exclaimed, shocked. "What are you doing...here?" Beverly Howard stood, brushing herself off. The cave temperature decreased with the ice in Beverly's stare. "Anij...it's...good...to see you again." "Doctor Crusher, what *are* you doing here?" The open curiousity in her voice grated on Beverly's nerves. "Research," she replied tightly. "Does...why...Jean-Luc has been looking for you..." Anij said hesitantly. "Really," Beverly said coolly. "Why is that?" "I...I don't know...Dr. Crusher, what is the matter? Why did you just disappear? If you don't mind my asking, that is..." "Actually, I *do* mind, Anij. And I'd rather you not tell the captain that I'm here." "But...but why, Doctor? He's been very concerned. He doesn't know where you've gone..." "There's a reason for that, Anij." //If you had half a brain, you'd realize that..// "Why?" "Anij...in the kindest possible way...it's none of your business." Iron resolve throbbed through her voice. //Lay off now, before someone gets hurt...// Unfortunately, Anij did not hear the warning in Beverly's voice. "If it is making Jean-Luc upset, Doctor, it *is* my business." "No, it is *not*," Beverly bit out. "Anij, it is my life, my business." "But Jean-Luc cares about you. He's worried about you, and I think it's only right --" "*YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JEAN-LUC!*" Beverly recoiled from the sound of her own voice, frightened by the rage flowing through her. "I...I'm..." Anij stuttered, uncertain of what to say. Beverly fumed silently, grabbing the tricorder and her visor from the ground where she'd set them down. "I know this is a free universe, Anij, but if you have any sense of respect, you won't tell Jean -- Captain Picard -- that I was here." "I don't understand..." Anij stared as Beverly shook out her hair, preparing to replace the visor and leave. //Perhaps my suspicions...// Anij thought. Morbid curiousity seized her, and unthinkingly she asked, "Were you and Jean-Luc involved?" Gasping, Beverly looked at Anij, dazed by the question. //Were we involved...you have no idea...// "You have no right to know anything about my personal life, Anij." She placed the visor over her head and turned the suit on, invisible once again. "Doctor? Doctor Crusher! It is my business if Jean-Luc is still in love with you!" Anij fumed, shaken out of her reverie by her rage. Howard's voice was ghostly, coming from the air around Anij. "Why don't you ask him? Don't you trust him to tell you the truth?" "Yes, of course...he's assured me that you're just good friends..." Softly, Beverly whispered, "Then why do you need to ask me?" Taking malicious satisfaction from the look on Anij's face, Beverly brushed past her and out of the cave. "Doctor Crusher? Where are you?" Anij asked. When silence was her only answer, she accepted that Beverly had left. Looking down at the cave floor, she saw something shining in the light...a delicate chain and charm. She picked it up tentatively, then clutched it tightly in her fist. //Time to talk to Jean-Luc again.// --- //Damn it!// thought Beverly, angrily but carefully stalking away from the cave. //She's going to tell Jean-Luc I'm here. I should go...but I'm not done with my research! That's what I came here for, to determine the origins of the planet's youth-sustaining effect...// She sighed, shaking her head. //Damn fool timing...// "Definitely, horrible timing!" said a voice too close for comfort. Beverly whirled around, looking for the origin of the comment. No one. "I must be hallucinating," she muttered softly. "Really?" said the voice. It sounded rather familiar... Cautiously, she looked around again, and locked eyes with..."Wesley!" --- Jean-Luc Picard sat in the command chair on the bridge, impatiently drumming his fingers on the armrest. //I can't focus anymore...what am I even doing on duty?// "Captain," Counselor Deanna Troi whispered gently. He shook himself out of his daze, halting his fingers. "Yes, Counselor?" "Shall we adjourn to your Ready Room?" //She's giving me an exit,// he realized. "Certainly, Counselor." The two rose and left the bridge, Will Riker smoothly moving to take over command. Picard mentally focused on taking measured strides to his Ready Room, unwilling to betray his inner turmoil more than his incessant fidgeting already had. As the door to the Ready Room swished shut, Picard rapidly dropped his "captain's mask." Turning to Deanna, he sighed, "What am I going to do? Deanna, I can't function like this! I've never had a problem like this before. No matter what kind of personal problems I had, it never had me so distracted I can't even focus on the bridge. Poor Ensign Alvarez must think I loathe her after the lecture I gave her because her uniform wasn't properly closed!" Inwardly, Deanna laughed. //It *was* rather comical, to us, at least...// "Sir, I think you should consider taking a sabbatical, say to Ba'ku?" He smiled. "Another unsubtle push for me to confront my dilemma, Counselor?" Deanna simply nodded. "Sir, if I may say so, I believe settling that particular issue will grant you enough peace that you can at the very least function normally on the Bridge. And I also know you don't want to do something like this over subspace." He sighed. "I'd rather not do it at all..." Probingly Deanna asked, "And would that be fair to anyone involved?" She mentally crossed her fingers, praying silently to all the gods she knew that he would finally take the next step in realizing his feelings for Beverly. "I...I know that I care very deeply for Anij...I *do* love her..." "But as what, Captain? As a lifemate? Or as someone who meant a lot to you at a crucial crossroads in your life? Think about it, sir. You were feeling better than you had in years physically, but mentally your mind was bombarded with issues you haven't wanted to face. Anij was there for you then. Do you want her there in the future?" Troi fumed silently, knowing that the captain's feelings for Beverly went deeper than even he knew. //Take the next step, Jean- Luc... please...// Sighing, Picard shook his head. "I don't have an answer for that now." "Then go there. Look into Anij's eyes again. See if you can banish the "ghost," as you called it, of Beverly Crusher from your heart. If you can, then give up the search for her. If you *can't*..." Deanna let the rest go unspoken, knowing he understood. "Captain," came Will Riker's voice. "You have an incoming message." Tapping his commbadge, Picard responded, "From whom?" "I believe, sir, it's from Anij." Troi and Picard locked gazes. "Well," said Picard, "I suppose I should let her know I'm coming to visit..." --- "Wesley? What are you doing here?" Beverly threw her arms around her son, shocked to find him in the flesh in front of her. He smiled with the same boyish charm he'd always had. "Well, I wanted to track you down and come to visit, but I couldn't find you on the Enterprise. It took some doing, but I searched for you through the different planes and found you here. What *are* you doing here, Mother?" She laughed lightly at the humor in his answer. It was as if "searching through different planes of existence" was standard, run of the mill stuff now. She hugged him tightly again. "Oh, Wes...it's a long story..." "I have time," he said gently, sitting underneath a nearby tree. She carefully lowered herself down next to him, sitting in silence. "Mother? What is it?" She forced a smile. "Nothing..." He shook his head, saying, "I don't believe that for a minute!" "You shouldn't..." she whispered softly. She looked at him, seeing the young man he was when last she saw him and the man he was now. "You've grown," she said quietly. "Yes...some centimeters and I've filled out...Mother, tell me what's going on..." Wesley looked at her more closely noticing..."Mother? You look...well, no offense, but you look a lot younger than you should!" She laughed genuinely. "Well, thanks!" He blushed, and tried to cover, but she cut him off gently. "Yes, Wes, I do look younger. That's why I'm here, to find out why this place has that effect." "But, Mother...why isn't the Enterprise here with you? I know you wouldn't go on a research sabbatical...what's going on?" He was looking at her so earnestly and with such concern, she couldn't stay silent. With a sigh, she began pouring out the tale. --- Anij sat in her cottage, staring intently at the viewscreen, waiting for Jean-Luc's face to appear. //I can't believe she's actually *here*...Of all the places in the universe...// She sighed, growing more impatient by the second. //Why isn't he answering yet?// She clutched the necklace tightly. //Please, Jean-Luc...tell me this necklace means nothing to you...Tell me *she* means nothing to you...// Finally his face appeared. --- He took a deep breath before activating the comm screen. //Here goes everything...// he thought ruefully. "Anij!" he exclaimed, smiling widely. "How are you, cherie? Is everything all right?" Anij took one look at his smiling face and melted. She smiled, love radiating from her eyes. "Hello, love...I just wanted to talk to you..." He nodded. "Anij, I have something wonderful to tell you..." Raising an eyebrow, she nodded for him to continue. "Starfleet has ordered me, as they are so wont to do, to go on sabbatical. The *good* news is, I get to choose where I go..." He smiled, waiting for her to extrapolate the rest. She did. "When are you coming back? How soon will you get here?" Her smile radiated such intense happiness, Jean-Luc felt like a fraud. //How can I go, knowing that I might...that *we* might...// Jean-Luc thought morosely. None of his uncertainty showed in his face, as he smiled and said, "I can't wait to see you..." Anij smiled gently. "I can't wait to see you again, either." --- Beverly Howard told her son the story quietly, hesitantly. It was something of a shock to discuss her love life with her son. But discuss she did, knowing she owed it to him. She went all the way back to what had happened after he left for "other planes of existence." How she and Jean-Luc had had dinner together every night since...how that had changed after Kes-Prytt. She even told him about Kes-Prytt itself, and what had happened that night at the fire...how she'd lain awake as he had, thinking of how to summon the strength to go on. She told Wesley of how she'd left him the next night, waiting for him to show her that he'd risk for a relationship with her, to show that he wasn't afraid to give more in the beginning. She told him how he hadn't come after her, how he hadn't pursued it...and how she'd been too scared to make a move herself. She told him about Lilly and Anij. And finally, she told him what had driven her to leave the Enterprise and change her name to keep him from finding her. "Oh, Mom...I'm so sorry..." Wesley whispered at the conclusion of her tale. "It's all right, Wes..." she whispered, smiling half-heartedly. "How could you have known? What could you have done?" Wes shook his head, knowing that she was right. He simply put his arms around her, hugging her and offering her comfort, unashamed. "So what can I do now, Mom?" he asked. She smiled, wiping away the gentle tears which had spilled down her cheeks as she told the story. "Want to be my research assistant?" she asked with a grin. He looked at her, and began to laugh. --- Somewhere around five hours later, Beverly and Wes finished their preparations. Beverly had decided that she would stay on Ba'ku and take the risk that Jean-Luc might find her. But of course she'd take her own precautions. With Wesley's engineering genius and Beverly's own ingenuity, the two of them had worked out a way to cloak both the shuttlecraft and the abandoned cottage she'd decided to make her lab with minimal energy expenditure and maximum efficiency. During the day, the cottage and the shuttlecraft would be cloaked, and during the night, they'd shut off the cloaking device and rely on the nearby kelbonite deposits to scramble any scanners looking for her. She smiled with satisfaction, brushing herself off. "Good work, Mr. Crusher!" she said with a grin. "Thank you very much, Dr. Howard," he replied. "It's so strange to call you 'Dr. Howard'..." he said. "It's even stranger to hear it!" she said with a laugh. "I've never heard it before, you know...I married your father before I graduated from Medical, so I've *always* been 'Dr. Crusher'..." She sighed as the memories washed over her. Wesley noticed the change in her, walking over to her and putting an arm around her shoulders. "It's really nice to see you, Mom." She nodded absently, kissing him on the cheek. "It's good to see you too, Wes. Dinner?" With a grin, he nodded. "Aren't we *always* ready for dinner?" he said with a mischievous grin. "Wesley!" she growled. With a laugh, she chased after him, running all the way to the cottage and inside. --- It took a grand total of four days for Deanna to send the recommendation into Starfleet, for them to approve it, and then for Jean-Luc to get packed and to Ba'ku. It was four days of tortured soul searching and recurring doubts. "And I'm *still* not certain!" Picard complained to Deanna as she walked with him to the shuttlebay. "Deanna, how is this possible?" The counselor smiled gently. "It's entirely possible you just don't want to write Anij off so easily, not without seeing her again. Give yourself some time, sir. I'm certain you'll come to some resolution..." //Let's just hope it's the right one...// she thought. The shuttlebay doors loomed before them. "Well, Captain, I suppose all that's left is for me to wish you luck." "Thank you, Counselor..." he said. "I have this horrible feeling I'm going to need it..." --- Wesley actually agreed to remain as Beverly's lab assistant, much to her surprise and delight. Her son was the only person she truly trusted anymore. He sensed that as well, knowing that she depended on him. Every day, she would make her pilgrimage to the cave, though never at the same time as Anij. They'd gone undetected for days, much to their delight. Wesley saw the change in her as the days went by, and he could feel the change in himself...not so much a change as a lack thereof -- he *didn't* grow any older or younger. His mother on the other hand... He smiled to himself, watching her as she concentrated on analyzing her newest data. //I can see why she was so...popular...in the Academy. She's stunning// he thought. //Not like I'd ever...// He shook his head, realizing that incest didn't have to be a taboo for people to recoil from it. //But I can definitely see how Captain Picard fell for her.// He sighed. He'd been puzzling over their dilemma for days, uncertain as to how exactly to approach his mother. She made that damn trip every day like clockwork, and he could see the pain in her eyes every time she returned. //If only he *would* come after her...// he thought sadly, knowing that there was no way Jean-Luc Picard would end up here. --- Anij paced the floor of the living room in her cottage three days later, waiting for Jean-Luc to arrive. //How could I have been such a fool as to not confront him before I agreed to let him come here? What was I thinking?// The necklace lay on her vanity in the bedroom. It had haunted her ever since she'd retrieved it from the floor of the cave. //I just have this bad feeling about it...What if...Could it be from Jean-Luc?// She sighed heavily, the weight of her thoughts consuming her. //I suppose I shouldn't be angry, even if he *did*...but...why wouldn't he tell me if there was something between them?// The answer to that question was one she didn't want to contemplate. --- Jean-Luc Picard stood before her door, suitcase in hand. He took a deep breath. //Do I really want to do this?// he questioned once again. //No. But I *have* to.// He knocked once, and the door was immediately thrown wide. They looked at each other uncertainly, both with secrets and fears. Dropping his suitcase, he swept her into his arms and kissed her searchingly. As they broke apart, they both smiled warmly...neither admitting that the enchantment was over. --- Wesley sat outside the house in the midst of the lush valley, meditating, as was his habit, while his mother made her pilgrimage. He took several deep, centering breaths, focusing on a solution to the purgatory his mother was in...and felt a presence he never expected. //Oh my god...Captain Picard is here...// --- He sat quietly, unsure of what to do. //Should I say something to her? Should I stay quiet, and give it a chance?// The dilemma was driving him crazy. //What the hell *am* I supposed to do?// "Ready for dinner?" she asked, smiling. "Aren't we always?" Wesley answered, smiling at his mother. --- "It's so wonderful to see you again," she said with a contented sigh, cuddling closer into his arms. Anij lay entwined in Jean-Luc's embrace on the sofa. "It's so wonderful to see *you* again," he answered quietly. He'd been silent most of the day, trying to process what he was feeling. //I...I don't feel the same...I feel like the passion is gone...But, how can I tell her?// He sighed, pushing the thoughts aside. //Now is *definitely* not the time...// --- Beverly Howard sat opposite her son, watching discreetly as he ate. //There's something going on...I can sense it...// she thought. "Spill it," she said abruptly. Wesley paused with a spoonful of baked potato halfway to his mouth. "Spill what?" he asked, purposefully knitting his brow in mock confusion. "Whatever it is that you know that I don't. And don't tell me 'nothing'...I know better!" //Oh, no...what the hell do I tell her?// "Really, Mother, it's nothing important..." "Ahah!" she said. "You only call me 'Mother' when you're angry or trying to hide something!" //Should I tell her?// he thought. "I don't know, Mom...It's... well, it's not...it's just..." Beverly straightened, alarmed. "Wes? Honey, what is it?" //Oh, hell...// he thought. --- "Dinner was delicious," Jean-Luc said, as he and Anij sat at her dining table. "I haven't had a real meal in months." She smiled. "Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Silence descended. Both of them looked at each other. "Jean-Luc," Anij began, "there's something I want to tell you..." --- "Captain Picard is here." "WHAT?!" Beverly Howard struggled to breathe. He was here. //Relax, Beverly...he can't find you...// "How do you know?" "I sensed him while I was meditating today. He has a very distinct presence," Wes answered. //This isn't at all the reaction I was expecting...// "It's just...this is...I..." Beverly stuttered, shock rendering her incoherent. //He can't find you, just remember that...// After several deep breaths, she was able to form a sentence. "Well, that's nice. I suppose he's visiting Anij." With that she rose from the table and left the cottage, leaving Wesley at the table in shock. //That so did not go as I thought it would...// he admitted ruefully to himself. --- //He's *here*? Why? Did he come to visit Anij or did Anij tell him that I was here but if she told him wouldn't he have brought the whole Enterprise or am I not that important or maybe I am that important or --// She cut herself off mid-rant. //Calm down, Beverly. You need to get a grip...But...I just never expected...// She sat on the grass and sighed, looking up at the stars. "Oh, Jean- Luc...I miss you..." she said aloud to the stars. "I missed you too..." he said. --- Anij had brought him the necklace...had asked about it. He could tell her nothing but the truth this time...*all* of it. He admitted that he'd always been in love with Beverly, but that he'd thought there was room in his heart for someone else. He also admitted that it wasn't true. She hadn't screamed or cried, surprisingly enough. It seemed as though she were resigned to it. He'd asked her about it, and she'd gone on to tell him about her encounter with Beverly in the cave. "I'm so sorry, Anij," he'd whispered as he held her one final time. "I know you are, Jean-Luc...I am too. Go. Find her. Be happy," she'd said. "I will always care for you." "As I will for you." He'd kissed her gently. "Anij, I know this is an awkward question..." "In a cottage by the caves. It is cloaked most of the day, but at night it is visible. I found it one day as I was visiting the cave at night. I've known she was there for days now, but I haven't disturbed her." "Thank you, for everything, Anij..." he'd said. She'd simply nodded and he picked up his bag and set off for the caves. --- And there he was. He had found her. Finally. She looked so beautiful, bathed in the moonlight as she was. Almost too beautiful to be real. "I missed you, too..." he said, watching as she turned her gaze to him. She stood slowly, as though afraid she was imagining things. "Jean- Luc? Is...is it *reallly* you?" "Beverly..." he sighed happily, drawing nearer. "Oh, my love...I've missed you so..." As soon as he was close enough, he drew her tightly into his arms. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, kissing her cheek, her forehead, her lips. "I love you, Beverly...I love you so much..." She stood encircled by his arms, in shock. Her eyes were widened in surprise, arms limp at her sides as though she were afraid he would dissolve into thin air if she touched him. Hesitantly she raised her hand to touch his cheek, jumping slightly as she encountered warm flesh. "Jean-Luc? It's...it's...you're...you're really here..." With a shuddering sob she threw her arms around him tightly. "Oh my god...Oh, Jean-Luc...I love you...Oh, god, I love you so..." They stood, safe in each other's arms, in their own private world, bathed in moonlight and shrouded in love. Wesley watched the scene from the window of the cottage and smiled. //Now *that's* what I was thinking of...// he thought with a grin. He picked up a padd and scribbled a little note, shimmering away after he'd placed it on the table. It said, "I'll be back for the wedding." --- The End