The BLTS Archive- Waiting by Karen (CP4Karen@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. I imply no copyright infringement. c1998 Karen --- I've watched him for years. Waited for him for years. Back when we were in the Maquis he was harsh and cynical, but would still break his back to help in whatever work needed to be done. I knew even then that I would give anything to have the man touch me. I certainly wasn't a virgin, but I had never been with another man and the thought of his long, fair body lying on mine fueled many pleasant dreams. I could wait. Then he was captured by StarFleet and put in prison for treason. I thought I would never see him again. I was wrong. A year later, he was out of prison and had agreed to help StarFleet to find us. More treason or last-ditch desperation? But we all ended up out here and it was touch-and-go as to whether he would live to see even the end of the first week, much less the end of our journey. He was so angry then, we all were, and I knew that any move that I made in his direction would be firmly rejected and considered a betrayal by my fellow Maquis. But once I had the time and could simply observe him as he struggled to redeem himself in everyone else's eyes; I knew that he was not a man to casually make a decision that could send others to prison. And I also knew that there had to be more to his apparent betrayal; that something inside the man had made it impossible for him to survive in Auckland. Was I a coward for not trying to do more back then? I kept an eye out for trouble and did my damnedest to diffuse things before they got started, but I know that I wasn't always successful. If I had told him that I knew he wasn't the traitor he let everyone believe him to be, would it have made a difference? Not too long ago I broached the subject with Ayala over a beer in the resort. "Do you think that perhaps our treatment of Tom Paris was too harsh? I mean...that maybe there were circumstances that none of us knew about?" There was a surprised bark of laughter. "You're kidding, right? What *circumstances* could give anybody the right to betray others? Granted, the man has pretty much made up for what he did. He has saved our asses a dozen times in the last few years, and there are times when I watch him that *I* wonder what could have caused him to tell the Captain he would help capture us. However, I certainly don't think that we *wronged* him with the way we treated him after the array was destroyed. "Don't second guess what we all did. *He* is the one who has changed since we got out here, and that's the reason that things settled down, not because everyone suddenly realized that they misjudged the son-of-a-bitch!" I thought for most of that night about what he had said, and came to the conclusion that all of us including Tom, were both right *and* wrong. The Maquis were right to be angry. Tom Paris had flown with us and while he might not have been a Maquis in his heart, we had trusted him enough to send him on the mission even if he was to be paid for the work. It was an apparent betrayal of trust. As for Tom, that is more difficult to figure out. Like I said, I have watched him for years, and he has repeatedly volunteered to give his life for everyone else on the ship. Others have said that it was just because he would do anything for the Captain, but allowing himself to be taken by the Kazon to uncover a spy is a bit more than playing the Captain's pet. The same goes for taking a shuttle and flying into the middle of a battle to try and bring back help. We were all wrong in that we were too angry to sit down and discuss what had happened and see if Paris would explain his reasons to us. Maybe if we had, some of the Maquis/'Fleet shit could have been avoided. I don't know if Tom tried to explain to anyone or not, but it was most likely the latter knowing Paris. Maybe Ayala is right. It is a little late to second guess any decisions. B'Elanna tells me that I think too much...that I spend too much time trying to see all the possible angles of a problem. Maybe I do. Maybe that is why I'm wandering the corridors wondering if I'm doing the right thing, instead of sitting in an observation lounge waiting for one Lt. Tom Paris to respond to an anonymous invitation to *talk*. I don't even know if he'll come. He has never been one for sharing his feelings. I once heard Neelix say that Tom was 'an action kind of guy'. Action is good. Some actions are better than others. But I am trying to visualize Tom's actions when he realizes who I am and just what I want and I am failing. It scares me. That and the thought that if he does want me, it will be for something temporary. I don't want to be a quick fuck. I want to be the one who finally and permanently captures his heart as he has done with mine. I am terrified. Tom has never really been one for settling down. His forays with Sue Nicoletti, Megan Delaney, Rick Batehart, and Donna Henley were perfect evidence. Hot, wild, sweet and funny. They ended as they had begun with all parties happy and friends. It was Tom's attempts at serious relationships that were doomed. Harry Kim. That's definitely a subject to steer clear of. We all thought that they would be together forever, but it's Seven who is sharing Harry's bed tonight. B'Elanna. She no longer snarls at Tom's name and actually admits that the break-up was her fault because of her depression. They actually play pool and eat together again. Maybe it's the common enemy factor. Tom with Harry, and B'Elanna with Seven. Only Seven of Nine would have been brave enough to cheat on B'Elanna. B'Elanna is also the reason that I'm doing this tonight. She and Tom are getting a little too chummy for ex-lovers. --- I've gone from mere terror to paralyzed with fear. I'm sitting in a darkened lounge and praying to those that help lovesick fools. --- It's 20:05. He's late, and in all truth, he's probably not coming. I even left my commbadge back in my quarters. I figured if he knew it was me, he wouldn't come. A great way to try and start a relationship. I think I would be good for him. I heard someone say that opposites attract, and if that's true then we should be perfect for each other. He's bright and funny. I'm solemn and rather quiet most of the time. He's blond and beautiful. I'm dark and rather plain. Although, I've been told my dark eyes and dimples are very attractive. He's experienced in these sorts of things, whereas I tend to be almost monastic most of the time. Yep, definite opposites. But if we were to get together.....the thought of that beautiful slim body held tightly to mine. Touching every square centimeter of that luscious creamy skin, getting to know every taste, every scent, every sound that he makes when caught up in passion. I know I could move him to passion. If he'll just give me the chance. The door just opened, and he's standing there now in a halo of light. I imagine that he's waiting for his eyes to adjust, and in that time I'm blessed with the vision of his strong profile. I almost laugh as I realize that this is probably the most honest look I'll ever get of Tom. No mask, just a beautiful man. He does look a bit wary, and maybe a little hopeful? He sees me. He's moving now, and my heart is in my throat with the fear of possible rejection. "Geron?" His face is in shadow. I can't tell what he's thinking. Please don't let me be a disappointment. --- The End