The BLTS Archive - My Highlander
#3: Doubts
by Karen (CP4Karen@aol.com)

---

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. I imply no copyright
infringement.

c1998 Karen

---

//Gods, a run-in with the Cardassians didn't have me this
nervous!//

Chakotay took another quick glance around his quarters.
Yes, still clean.  No wayward clothes.  No dust.

//Did I change the sheets?//

He sighed in frustration.

//It's just Tom.//

Chakotay grinned to himself.  Yes, just the man that he'd
been watching for almost a year.  Hell, what was he saying?
He'd always watched Tom Paris.  Attracted by his beauty
and fire, and angered by his seemingly cavalier attitude
towards life.

A lot had changed over the last few years.  Tom had grown
up.

//Hell, I've grown up.//

But just when he thought that maybe they could make a go
of it, B'Elanna had suddenly admitted her feelings for Tom.

Anyone that had watched the pair could see that it was hot,
intense and from the number of regenerators the log showed
replicated by one or the other of them; very, very passionate.

And then just as suddenly, they were back to just being friends.
B'Elanna was with Harry and Seven, and everyone involved
including Tom seemed to be the best of friends.

Chakotay absently fluffed an already well-fluffed pillow.  That
was one mystery that he had to get to the bottom of if he and
Tom were going to try for a relationship.  He wasn't an insecure
person, but a lover who could turn off his feelings that easily was
not what he wanted. 

And then there was Tom's 'Highlander'.

He thought about the night before.  Tom's quiet tale of his
relationship with his first lover had reduced most of them to
tears.  It was obvious that there were still feelings there, and
even though Tom had assured him that he wasn't in the market
for a duplicate of Colin, Chakotay had some doubts.

The Commander ordered a cup of tea and moved to stand before
the great port behind him.  Tom loved the stars.  Chakotay
would be hard pressed to count the times he had entered the
main observation lounge to find the younger man quietly
sitting, just gazing at the unfamiliar constellations.  The big man
turned his thoughts again to the previous night.

//Chakotay, I'm not looking for a replacement for Colin.
That part of my life is over.//

But was it?  Could he compete with a man whose memory could
make his lover cry ten years later?

---

"Come in."

There was diffidence in Tom's movements.  The slight blush
as he took the older man's hand was endearing.  The normal Paris
confidence had apparently stayed out in the corridor.

Chakotay carefully pulled Tom into an embrace.  There was a
slight tremor and then the younger man relaxed.

"Are you having second thoughts about this?"

Tom pulled back in surprise and his quick shake of the head
was a relief to the Commander.

"No, of course not.  It's just....a little strange.  I mean, I've
been wanting to do this for a while, but I didn't know how
to approach you.  You've never given any sign that you
might be interested in men."

Chakotay relaxed further.  Pulling Tom behind him, he moved
to the couch where he had a bottle of wine waiting.  The
familiar movements; opening, pouring, tasting, gave him a
moment to center himself.

"I told you last night that I had never been with another man and
that's true.  I've looked though, and I pride myself on being open
enough to see the beauty of any loving relationship." 

He took another sip and forged on.

"You were the first man that I ever really found 'sexually'
attractive.  You're the only man."

Tom looked at his glass.

"You hid it very well."

The older man sighed and then reached over to cup Tom's
chin, raising his eyes to his own.  He was concerned about
the reaction to his next statement. 

"I had to.  If you stop and think about it, this is probably the
first time since we met that the circumstances might be right
for us to love each other."

Tom practically leapt from the sofa.  Circling around to stand
behind a nearby chair, his gaze pinned the other man in his seat.

"Chakotay, I really need to know how you are using the word
'love'."

The Commander responded carefully.

"I'm not proposing marriage, Tom; but I'm not asking for a
quick roll either.  I know you just came out of a serious
relationship with B'Elanna.  Frankly, I was shocked as
hell when you two stopped seeing each other."

The younger man frowned. 

"I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that."

Chakotay noticed his quick glance at the door.  He slowly
stood and walked over to the replicator, returning with a
plate of sliced fruit. 

"All right, I won't ask.  But you have to know that I am
concerned.  I don't want any of it to affect any relationship
that you and I may have."

"It won't."

Chakotay looked up at the brusque comment, staring
openmouthed as Tom angrily wiped his eyes.

"Tom?"

"Please drop it, big man.  It's over and they're happy."

"But you're not."

A lopsided smile.

"I'm working on it."

Chakotay flopped down on the couch and rested his
elbows on his knees.  Closing his eyes, he sighed.

"Gods, I was worried about Colin, and instead I find that
my competition is a hell of a lot closer and still alive."

The older man felt the couch dip and looked up into sad,
blue eyes.

"I'm sorry if I've hurt you, Chakotay, but you really have
nothing to worry about.  B'Elanna and I were a big mistake. 
Oh, don't get me wrong.  I loved her, but she didn't love me."

"Tom, I watched her.  There were times in the resort that
I thought we were going to have to throw cold water on
the pair of you!  She definitely cared for you."

The younger man leaned over until his shoulder was resting
against Chakotay, who slowly slid an arm around him and
leaned back into the corner of the couch.

"Chakotay, she tried.  She really did.  But our relationship
was based on the fact that Harry had started seeing Seven.
B'Ela thought that she had no chance and tried to move on."

The big man shook his head in confusion.

"So what happened?"

Tom sighed. 

"Seven happened."

"Pardon me?"

A rather sad grin. 

"You assigned Seven to Engineering which forced B'Elanna
to work with her. They slowly got to know each other and
respect each other's work." 

A full grin this time. 

"You should know that with engineers that's the same as
foreplay.  Add Harry to the mix and it just sort of clicked."

Chakotay threw his head back with a groan.

"Damn, I feel like I should be apologizing or something."

Tom ran his hand down the other man's cheek.

"It's not your fault.  They're perfect for each other.  All three
of them breathe, eat and now probably 'fuck' engineering."

Chakotay guffawed.  Pulling Tom into his arms he kissed
his forehead. 

"I'm still sorry, even if I do have some rather wild pictures
of the three of them and the warp core going through my
head right now."

"It's OK, and most of the time I'm OK.  I'm still a little raw
over the whole deal, but I knew that if I wanted to keep my
best friends, I had to accept what had happened and move on."

Chakotay leaned his head against Tom's.

"I never would have guessed that it wasn't completely amicable.
You four are always together, and you never give the slightest
hint that you aren't happy with the situation."

"I had to do a hell of a lot of thinking about it.  I wanted them
to hurt as badly as I did.  But then I realized that I had gone into
the situation knowing how B'Ela felt about Harry.  He's
everything that she wanted in a man.  And....I wasn't."

The Commander hurt at the resignation in Tom's voice.  It
also angered him.

"Then she's a fool."  He was gratified at the look of surprise
and then amusement on the younger man's face.

"Thank you, Chakotay, and since I'd like to keep you healthy,
I won't tell B'Ela you said that."

"Thank you, Poocuh."

The pair dropped the rather uncomfortable subject and
moved on to lighter conversation.

"I swear, Cha, it's the truth.  I saw Neelix kiss Tuvok
right on the lips and 'Mr. Vulcan' kissed right back!"

"Tom, I lied earlier.  There are some things that I don't
find beautiful and the thought of Neelix in a passionate
frenzy is one of them."

"He might surprise you, big man."

Chakotay straightened at the quiet statement and looked
at Tom.

"Is there something that you want to tell me?"

The young man laughed.

"No, Cha, Neelix and I have never done anything like
that.  I was just thinking about how tender he was with
Kes.  They could be so sweet together.  Personally, I
think Tuvok is a lucky man."

"You're serious."

"Yes, I am.  People change; hell, I'm living proof of that.
He's calmed down a lot and thank the gods, his cooking
has improved a hundred percent.  I just remember how
lost he was when Kes left, and then when he died and
Seven brought him back.  He was so lonely, Cha."

The Commander thought back to that same lonely man
looking for death on a transporter pad.

"You're right, babe.  He is a good man and if Tuvok is
smart, he'll hang onto him.  In fact, I think they'll be
good for each other."  He nudged Tom.  "I can think
of one or two more unlikely combinations."

The younger man laughed.

"Yeah, one of 'em is right in this room.  I think people
will have an easier time accepting Tuvok and Neelix
than they will you and me.  By the way, Chakotay,
I don't know that I've ever been called 'babe' before."

The Commander started to apologize.  Tom placed a
gentle finger on his lips.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry.  I liked it.  A lot.  In fact,
as long as you don't do it on the bridge, I wouldn't mind
hearing it again."

He kissed the older man tenderly.  As he moved to sit up,
Chakotay pulled him tighter; deepening the kiss and darting
a quick tongue into the warm, silky depths before him.
Tom broke away with a gasp.

"Gods, you've had quite a bit of practice at that, I take it!"

"Oh, here and there.  I was probably doing that before you
were born."

Tom swatted him on the arm.

"You're barely ten years older than me.  They start young
on Dorvan V?"

"I guess I just looked promising."

The kissing intensified and a warm hand ran down the back
of Chakotay's trousers.  His response was interrupted with a
growl.

"Was that your stomach or mine?"

Tom laughed.  "Probably both.  We've been sitting here
talking for over two hours."

"No, we haven't!"

Tom giggled. 

"Chakotay, look at the fruit on the table.  It's browner than
you are."

He was right.  Chakotay shrugged in acquiescence.

"Some host I am.  Fortunately I have dinner already picked out.
All I have to do is request it."

"Good.  All of this soul searching has got me starved!"

"You need a few more anatomy classes if that what you
were looking for a moment ago."

---

"That was great, Chakotay.  I've never had vegetable
lasagna before."

"Get use to it.  I'm a vegetarian, you know."

Tom stood and took their plates to the recycler.  With a small
smirk he said, "That's fine.  Just be prepared to suffer through
watching me eat a steak now and then."

The Commander handed him the glasses and silverware.

"I have a strong stomach.  I just hope you're not the type that
eats them while they're still moving."

The younger man grinned.

"No, I only eat gagh that way, and I don't think you'll find
that on the menu anywhere around here."

Chakotay slipped his arms around the other man's waist.

"I think that alone is enough to make me happy we're in the
Delta quadrant."

Tom turned in his arms.

"Just the fact that we don't have gagh?  You can't think of
anything else that might please you about being here?"

"Oh, maybe one."

Chakotay was surprised as Tom reached up to hold his
face in both hands.

"Cha, we need to talk about something."

"Nothing bad, I hope?"

Tom shook his head.

"Not really, but considering what happened earlier, you're
probably going to think I'm nuts."

Chakotay dropped a quick kiss on his lips and waited.

"I don't think we should make love tonight."

There were parts of the older man that were begging him to
argue.  Instead, he walked over to the sofa and sat down.
Patting the seat beside him, he spoke.

"Can you tell me why?"

Tom sank down at his side and smiled.

"Cha, think about our conversation earlier.  I would love to
be with you tonight, but I don't know if we're ready. 
All of this is so new.  And you've never been with a man
before.  I want it to be perfect."  He grinned. 

"I also think that we should wait for a time when we are both
off the next day.  I'd hate to see both of us trying to man the
bridge while standing up."

Chakotay pulled the younger man to him.

"If that's what you want, babe, then we'll do it."  He smiled
at the response his endearment received.

"But please tell me if that's not the only reason.  I need to
know that you are completely comfortable with us becoming
lovers.  Is it too soon after B'Elanna?"

Tom kissed him.

"No, Chakotay, I can honestly say that you are the only thing
on my mind when we kiss.  I don't see anyone else when
I close my eyes and let myself drift.  I don't hold you and look
or the differences from what I had with B'Elanna.  You are the
one that fills my senses when I am in your arms.  You alone."

The older man closed his eyes and smiled.

"Then we'll wait."  He hugged his lover tightly.

"But don't forget who makes up the shift schedules."

---

The End