The BLTS Archive - Unloved
#3: Unrealistic Dreams
by Karahkwa Ross (karahkwa@startrekmail.com)

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Disclaimer: All things Trek belong to Paramount. The situations are
purely my own. I mean no copyright infringement.

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Harry Kim pushed Neelix's latest culinary disaster around his plate.
He hadn't even tried it but from the looks on Tom and B'Elanna's faces
when they had… He was glad he hadn't had an appetite.

He sighed. What had he done to pissed off the Gods? Why were they so
determined to make his life hell?

Last night had been his first date with Chakotay. Everything had gone
perfect. The food, the chitchat, everything.

Until they'd started fooling around a bit.

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath, drawing looks from his table
companions.

"Harry? Is something wrong?"

He snorted. "Oh no. Everything's perfect. The gods are reeking havoc
on my life but otherwise everything's fine."

Tom and B'Elanna shared a look. They seemed to be trying to figure out
what had the normally cheerful ensign so upset.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

He didn't want to talk about it but he could help remembering…

Harry was sitting on the couch. Chakotay was on his knees in front of
him. He had opened his shirt and was nibbling on his nipples. Harry
had loved it.

"Mmmm. Cha… You're so good at that."

Chakotay had answered by biting just a bit harder. Harry had jerked
and cupped the back of the older man's head as well as groaning.

"Where did you learn how to do this?"

Chakotay slid his open mouth across the hairless chest to the other
nipple. As he did, he replied, "Practice."

Harry moaned softly as Chakotay began his assault on the other nipple.
"Then I should be glad you've had so many lovers."

Chakotay had pushed him away so fast one would think the words had
burned him. "Where the hell did you hear that!"

Harry was pulled back to the present by a throat clearing right beside
him. He looked up to see a rather sheepish looking Greg Ayala.

"Hear you're in the dog house. And it's all my fault."

Harry shook his head quickly. "Oh no, Greg. Don't talk like that. It's
my fault. I'm the one who couldn't keep my damn mouth shut."

"Yeah, well. I still got reamed out majorly this morning."

Harry frowned. He hadn't wanted Greg to get in trouble. Hell, he owed
the man for helping him get hooked up with Chakotay. He may have blown
it but that wasn't Greg's fault. "I'm sure after things simmer down,
you'll be forgiven."

Greg nodded. "Look, Harry. If you want or need any advice, I'm here,
okay. I don't know if it'll help but…"

"Thanks Greg."

Tom and B'Elanna looked from Harry to Greg's retreating back to each
other to Harry again. They were both definitely out of the loop about
something.

"Harry? Want to tell us, your best friends, what that was all about?"

"No. Not right now anyway. Our lunch break is nearly over."

With that Harry took his tray and dumped it. He was waiting for the
turbolift before his friends even got over the shock of a secretive
Harry Kim.

He prayed to every god he'd ever heard of, and obviously annoyed, that
the rest of the shift would be uneventful so he could think of some
way to make things up to Chakotay. It was either that or cut both of
his feet off to keep them out of his big mouth.

The end of the shift came too soon for Harry. He still hadn't figured
out how to fix things up with Chakotay. He was pacing in his quarters
trying to think of something.

Only his brain seemed to be fried. Or it had jumped ship like (a rat
on a drowning boat).

---

Chakotay sat in his office. He'd spent the day supposedly getting
ready for yearly reviews but…

Well, he hadn't gotten much accomplished.

Harry was all he could think about.

Chakotay sighed. What was he to do now? Ayala had admitted to telling
Harry everything. That meant he knew his deepest, darkest secret…

And had still wanted him. Had thought they could be serious.

Chakotay smiled. Maybe things weren't so bad after all.

As soon as that thought formed, it vanished, replaced by darker
thoughts. How could someone so young be able to accept his past? What
if he was only using this as practice before he went after someone
more suiting? Someone younger and with less issues to deal with;
someone like Tom Paris?

Some one easier "to settle down with"?

He jerked away from his desk where he'd been staring into space for
the better part of the day. His feet beat a hard path up and down the
middle of the room. His anxiety didn't show on his face, but in his
posture and clinched fists.

His hand absently moved to push the collar of his turtleneck down. He
slowly fingered the mark that Harry had left. The instant he realized
what he was doing, anger welled up inside him.

With stiff, furious motions, he removed his dermal regenerator from
his desk drawer. He stormed into the bathroom. He stood before the
mirror and slowly raised the instrument.

His hand paused in mid-air. How could Harry not be using him? Wasn't
that what he always known? Wasn't that the type of men he always
seemed to draw? He laughed bitterly. Greg Ayala was the exception that
proved the rule.

Chakotay of Dorvan had lousy taste when it came to men. He sighed
tiredly. He rested his forehead against his reflection as he recalled
the first person he'd ever been with.

Felipe Preston had at first seemed like Chakotay's dream come true.
He'd been kind and sweet and he hadn't acted as though he was upset
with any reluctance that the younger man had shown.

But looks can be deceiving. It had taken shore leave on an exotic
world for Felipe's true colors to show.

They had been allowed to be the first ship to take shore leave on
Ganya, a planet that had just joined the Federation.

Felipe had been so excited. He couldn't wait for the two of them to
spend their first vacation together.

Chakotay had been excited too but for some reason he'd felt this
inexplicable unease the minute they materialized on the lush planet.
Nothing had happened when they'd arrived but the longer they were
there, the worse he felt about being there.

For the first time, his seemingly sensitive lover ignored his
feelings. However, it wasn't until hours into their stay that the
danger he'd been sensing came to a head.

For the better part of the afternoon, they'd been shopping. About sun
down, Felipe had caught sight of something he just had to have.
Before, Chakotay knew what was happening they were in the dank
interior of a decidedly disreputable-looking shop.

He could all but see his spirit guide tugging at his pant leg. He so
wanted out of there. However, he knew how bad that would look to their
hosts, not just the merchant.

Whispering mental entreaties to the spirits to let this be over
quickly, he loitered near the doorway. The haggling over price never
even made him take notice as he nervously glanced repeatedly at the
waning daylight.

Suddenly, hands grabbed him from behind. A dirty cloth stifled his cry
of fear. He looked wildly about. Shock replaced his fear when he
caught sight of Felipe's bland expression, as he was dragged kicking
and clawing from the room.

"He's a fighter; I like that." His skin crawled at the Ganyan's words.
Oh Spirits, what had he gotten into?

His heart broke when he heard the harsh response of his lover. "He
won't fight long. Touch him for a while before you fuck him and he'll
enjoy it."

Chakotay hadn't. The next morning it was a very withdrawn, broken man
that Felipe picked up. He hadn't even fought when they'd gone back to
their hotel and Felipe had fucked him all the while asking him
questions about the bruises that covered his body; telling him how
much it excited him to see the blood they drawn not yet dry on his
body.

Involuntarily, the commander shuttered. He'd never be able to show his
gratitude to Star Fleet for transferring him three weeks later. It had
taken him a long time to get over what had happened.

Sometimes he wondered if he really had. He most certainly hadn't
learned to be a better judge of character. If anything, his next
relationship had been worse. He had been so sure that this one was
going to be different that he'd refused to see the signs of the affair
that everyone else knew about.

It had taken his catching them in his own bed for him to finally see
the truth. Even then it had been hard for him not to listen to the
promises that it would never happen again. He'd come close to taking
him back so many times.

At least, he was smart enough only to let things happen once.

He snorted at his unhappy visage in the mirror. He laid the
regenerator down. He couldn't just hide from this situation with
Harry. If all he could have with the younger man was physical, it was
better than frustrated dreams.

He'd had just sex relationships. In fact, the most successful of his
disasters had been of that type. He'd tried women but even at the
worst it was always better to be with a man. It had been hard for him
to take that risk again. It had been worth it with Gregor Ayala and
one or two others.

He sat down slowly on the edge of the tub. Ayala. It wasn't right to
say that they had a relationship. They'd had sex. But they'd been
friends too and not being paid had helped Chakotay get a little of his
self-respect back.

Thinking of how far he'd fallen when he'd begun prostituting himself
had him rubbing his face like a man on the way to an execution. He'd
never forget how he'd gotten started.

The Maquis had been badly in need of money. He'd come to this seedy
bar to cheat at some cards and get some cash for medical supplies. He
never made it to the gaming table.

He'd been at the bar, looking for any possible traps, when a man had
bought him a drink. He'd never felt such an instant attraction to
anyone. Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, was a voice warning
him not to do this, but a few drinks later and they were up in his
room.

It was incredible. He'd had lots of practice with the few men he'd
been with but this was the absolute best he'd ever been with. He fell
asleep with a huge smile on his face, sure that he'd found something
lasting.

What he found was five hundred credits on the cold pillow next to him
when he'd woken up. It was more money than he'd hoped to make at cards
but…

He'd simply been too practical to not take the money. It hadn't been
long though before the money had run out and he was back in that seedy
bar but this time he didn't even bother to head for the poker game in
the back.

What was wrong with him that he could proposition men in dirty little
bars but he couldn't make one relationship work?

Chakotay sighed and then walked out into the main room of his office.
He looked around and realized that he'd never get anything done. With
a shake of that head that could have been either sad or angry, he
headed back to his quarters.

---

Harry flopped down on his couch. The situation with Chakotay just
wasn't working itself out in his head. He didn't know what to do. Part
of him wanted to get on his knees and beg for another chance. The
other was so worried he wasn't worthy of the commander that it wasn't
much help.

Just then his door chimed.

His heart leapt into his throat. What if it was Chakotay? He rose to
his feet and then called out softly, "Enter."

Harry sighed when Gerron entered. If it was with relief or
disappointment, he wasn't sure.

"Hello, Gerron. What can I do for you?"

"No. I want to help you. With Chakotay. Greg told me. I thought you
could use some help."

Harry smiled softly. He sank back onto the couch. "I don't know what I
need. He was so angry."

"Why is that?"

"I lied to him. I told him that all I knew about his past was him and
Greg… but I know everything."

Gerron nodded. "Why would it bother him, though? It's a secret he
doesn't have to keep."

"He's not proud of it, Gerron. Would you be?"

"No. But I wouldn't keep it from a lover either."

"You don't understand. He was never allowed to express that part of
himself. It's the ultimate evil in his mind."

---

Gregor Ayala had a death wish. Chakotay was sure of that. The man had
stopped by to "talk."

Get me to forgive Harry, you mean. Well it's not going to work.

"Greg, I'm tired and I don't want to spend any more time talking about
Harry. He lied to me. He used me."

"Used you? Chakotay, he knew everything about your past. Everything.
And he came to you to ask for a relationship."

"No. He just wanted some practice with someone who…"

Greg shook his head. "Funny he didn't look like someone who didn't
care a lunch today. He was staring off into space with a look on his
face like his world had crumpled around him."

"He did?" Chakotay couldn't keep the hint of hope out of his voice.

"Yes. Chakotay, you need to talk to him. It's the only way you can
find out the truth."

The commander sighed. He hated it when Greg was right.

---

Greg set it up. He commed Gerron who promised to bring Harry to the
deck ten observation lounge. Then he drug Chakotay's reluctant butt
down there.

They arrived just seconds before Gerron and Harry. Greg smiled, pushed
them into the room and then sat down in front of the door. Gerron sank
down next to him. He leaned his head on the strong shoulder.

"Think this will work?" Gerron had a soft spot for their former
captain and Harry was a good friend. He wanted them to be happy
together.

"It has to. I don't have any other ideas."

---

Chakotay swallowed. Harry wore sweat pants and a t-shirt, with his
hair all a mess and his eyes red-rimmed and blood shot. He looked like
hell. He was also so damn sexy.

"Hey, Chakotay."

"Harry."

Silence stretched indefinitely. Finally, Chakotay stopped staring and
moved to sit. Harry followed but sat on a different couch. Neither man
seemed to know what to say.

Harry fidgeted for a second. He was so nervous. This was the most
important conversation of his life and he didn't have any idea of what
to do. He had made such a mess of his relationship with Chakotay. He
wasn't even sure if they could repair the damage.

Finally, a soft "How do I fix this?" broke the air.

Chakotay stopped watching the stars and turned to look at Harry. "Do
you really want to?"

"Chakotay, I sought you out, remember? Yes, I want this to work."

The other man nodded. But there was no emotion in his voice as he
replied, "For how long?"

Harry's mind reeled. Surely he hadn't heard right. "Excuse me?"

"How long do you want this to work?"

He froze. This man really didn't know that he wanted forever, that he
wanted marriage and a family and everything. "Chakotay…"

"I have to know because I don't want to get settled into anything that
will just end. How long?"

Harry stared at his would-be lover. What had happened to this
beautiful, wonderful man to make him react like this? He rose slowly
and moved to sit next to Chaktoay. Taking his hands he looked deeply
into his eyes and smiled ever so softly.

"If you'll forgive me for being a stupid idiot and believe me when I
say I'll never lie to you again, then I'd like you and me to last
until I die."

Chakotay's eyes clouded over. "Until we die?" he asked in disbelief.

"Longer if possible but I can only control until I die. What do you
say?"

Harry's heart lurched when Chakotay pulled his hands away and rose to
stand by the window. He didn't know what to say. He'd made all the
promises he could. It had to be enough. He had nothing more to…

Harry's thoughts were shattered when he realized Chakotay was crying.
He stared for a moment before moving to console the man. It took
several moments to calm the tears and get the older man's breathing to
return somewhat to normal.

They slowly returned to the couch. For a long while, Harry simply
rubbed Chakotay's back. Finally, he pulled away.

"What was all that about?"

"You really want me for the rest of your life? No one has ever- Harry,
that's a long time."

He nodded. "I know. Chakotay, for the last six years, I've been
lusting after you and imagining what it would be like. Believe me,
I've thought this over. Are you sure that you want me? If you'd rather
be with someone else-"

"No, Harry, I want you."

"Do you forgive me for lying to you? I know I shouldn't have but I
just didn't want you to be embarrassed."

"I was afraid that you only sought me out because you wanted someone
to practice on before going after the person you really wanted."

Harry pulled away slightly. "I would never do that to you, to anyone."

"I know that, I do. I've just had such bad luck that I guess I just
forgot for a while why I care so much for you."

Harry smiled. "So are we okay again?"

Chakotay nodded and then leaned in for a kiss. It was much like their
very first kiss. There was the right amount of lust, newness, and
caring. They surfaced only when they both feared passing out from lack
of air.

"As much as I like these kisses, let's not have to kiss and make up so
often."

Chakotay smiled. "You've got a deal." He sighed as he rested his head
on Harry's shoulder. This felt right for the first time. Maybe his
dreams weren't so unrealistic after all.

---

The End