The BLTS Archive - Cold Comfort
by Kalita Kasar (kalitafic@hotmail.com)

---

Beta: none

Acknowlegements: For kyrdwyn, who tossed this bunny around with me. I
dedicate this to her, and hope it eventually cures her headache.

Spoilers: Some for "Precious Cargo"

Archive: EntSTSlash, Tim Reuben, WWOMB anyone else can ask.

Author's note: Inspired by "Precious Cargo" I don't know where this is
going. I suggest you strap yourselves in. It could get a little bumpy.

Disclaimer: The characters belong to the paramount, but the night
belongs to us pussycats.

Note: {text} denotes thoughts

---

Trip Tucker lay on his bunk, staring up at the ceiling. He'd been
lying there for the last two hours, trying to sleep. 'Tryin',' he
muttered to himself as he flopped over onto one side and pummeled his
pillow with one fist. Why was it so damned lumpy all of a sudden? His
bed was rumpled and uncomfortable. His clothes felt too tight, he felt
like the neck of his shirt was going to choke him. He sighed and sat
up.

Tucker cast a glance at the Chrono beside his bed and shook his head.
0200 and he hadn't slept a wink; he was due on duty at 0500. He pushed
to his feet and grabbed a sweat shirt, pulling it over his head as he
walked out the door of his cabin into the hallway.

The captain was always walking the decks at night. He said it was a
good way to unwind. Maybe it would help.

But the real problem wasn't that he was stressed or wound up. Not in
the normal way anyhow. Tucker rubbed a hand through his hair in an
attempt to tidy the ruffled mop into something less slept in. *Well,
less tossed and turned in anyway,* he thought as he made his way along
the corridor. He realized when the cold of the deck plating penetrated
into his thoughts that he had forgotten to put on any shoes. He
pondered going back, and dismissed the thought with a small shake of
his head.

The real problem, he thought was that he was a complete ass
hole...that's what the real problem was.

He hadn't spoken to Malcolm since the landing party had brought him
and Kaitaama back aboard Enterprise. Malcolm had given him a look of
bewilderment when they got off the shuttle-pod and then turned his
back and walked away.

Not a word. No anger, no yelling, no demands for an explanation. All
of those, Tucker could have coped with, but silence; cold...arctic
silence was beyond his ability to handle.

Tucker sighed. He wanted to talk to Malcolm. He needed to, but his
lover had locked him out. Out of his cabin, and, it seemed out of his
life. The engineer bit his lip and turned towards the mess hall. Maybe
Chef had left out something sweet and decadent for a midnight snack.
He could sure use comfort food right now.

The mess hall was quiet at this early hour. The gamma shift would have
had their meal breaks earlier, and no one else was around. Tucker
found a piece of mud cake in the servery. He fetched a mug of cocoa to
wash it down with. Chocolate, he mused was the best kind of comfort
food. ‘Chef musta known somethin',' he said to the empty room as he
sat down and picked at the cake with his fingers.

He glanced towards the door when it opened, and froze in mid chew when
he saw Malcolm standing in the doorway.

The armory officer looked...tired. That was the only word for it. He
was pale, and his eyes drooped with the obvious weariness; his whole
body drooped with it, in fact. Tucker forced the suddenly tasteless
morsel of cake down his throat and half stood up.

The movement brought grey-blue eyes to him in an instant, and he saw
Reed tense.

Neither man spoke for a moment, and then Reed merely nodded and turned
around. The door closed behind him with a soft hiss.

Tucker raced to the door and through it without another thought.

He was just in time to see the slight frame of his lover disappear
around a corner. He took to his heels, running after the man who meant
more to him than anyone on the ship. 'Malcolm!'

Rounding the bend, he skidded to a halt before he collided with Reed
who had stopped and was standing there, arms folded across his chest,
eyes cold and shuttered.

'Mal...'

'Quiet down,' Reed said, his tone just short of a command.

Tucker took a half step back, blinking in surprise.

'There *are* some people on the ship who're sleeping you know.'

'Yeah...' Tucker moved forward again, one hand reached out to touch
Reed's arm, but the touch was shrugged off as Reed turned away and
continued to walk along the corridor.

'Malcolm?' Tucker followed him. He hated the guilt that boiled within
him. He hated being shrugged off by his lover. He hated himself. He
sighed and tried again. 'Malcolm, we need to talk.'

'Really?' Reed halted abruptly and turned an icy glare on him. 'I
can't imagine why.'

'Ah c'mon, Mal.' Tucker had to hurry to keep up with the Brit. 'You
know why...you know I ...'

'I used to *think* I knew where I stood with you, Mister Tucker. I
*thought* I knew you. I *thought* a lot of things ... I was obviously
mistaken.'

'I can explain...' but he really couldn't. Tucker's steps faltered for
an instant, and he frowned. 'Malcolm, please.' He walked faster. How
could Reed move so quickly without actually running?

Reed stopped and punched a door control, stepping into the lift when
the door slid open. Tucker ducked in behind him.

They rode the lift in silence. Tucker examined and rejected several
things he could say and finally he sighed and said. 'I'm sorry.'

'That's not enough.' Malcolm cast him a quick look and then left as
the doors opened on his selected deck.

'It's the truth.' Tucker followed him.

'Is it?'

'Malcolm, c'mon! gimme a break, whaddya want from me? I ...'

'I want you to go away and leave me alone.' Reed stopped and met his
eyes for the first time. 'Now.'

'Just let me...'

'Go away.'

'Malcolm, it didn't mean anythin'! I was I... I dunno why it happened.
I just... I ...'

'Look, it really doesn't matter what it meant, Commander.'

Tucker hated it when Reed used his rank. It was just one more of a
hundred ways the man had of holding him at arm's length.

'It happened and the message is clear.' Reed turned away from him.
'You really don't need to explain anything to me.'

'I think I do.'

'I don't care.'

'You do care. That's why we have to talk, Malcolm.'

'I think I asked you to go away.' Reed was walking again, his back
ramrod straight and his shoulders squared. Tucker followed him.

'I'm not goin' anywhere until ya hear me out.'

Reed stopped and shook his head. He looked down at Tucker's feet. 'You
can't enter this area without footwear,' he said with a shake of his
head. He glanced at the door and pressed the control. 'Regulation
footwear is a standard requirement in the Armory. Now if you'll excuse
me commander...'

Tucker stared at the closed door for a long moment after Reed stepped
through it. He was tempted to follow but he could have no doubt that
in his present mood, Reed would report the breach of regulations.
Tucker didn't need the captain or sub-commander on his case about
rules a green crewman would know better than to break.

With a reluctant sigh, he turned away and headed back to his cabin.

---

"Lieutenant?"

Malcolm Reed looked up from his console and met the eyes of the
captain. "Sir?" He was confused, unsure what he had missed.

The captain studied Reed for a moment before he spoke.

"Is everything all right, Malcolm?" the tone was soft, for his ears
alone.

Reed nodded. "Yessir," he said. "Sorry...I..." he fumbled,
unomfortably aware that other members of the bridge crew were watching
the exchange.

Archer leaned both hands on Reed's console and met the lieutenant's
eyes. "This is the third time I've had to--"

"Yes, sir." Malcolm nodded an acknowledgement. "I'm fine." He glanced
down at the readings on his console and drew a small sigh. He was far
from fine, but there was no way he could tell Archer what the problem
was. "I haven't been sleeping well lately," he offered. "I'll pay
better attention, Sir."

"If you're unwell, you should see Doctor Phlox," The captain
suggested.

"I'm all right, Captain." Reed shifted in his seat and sighed with
relief when the captain turned away with a nod.

He focussed on his work, and made a concerted effort to keep his
thoughts from wandering to Tucker and the events surrounding the woman
the engineer had rescued several days before.

Everytime he thought of the situation he was left with a dull, aching
sensation somewhere in his guts. He couldn't believe that his lover
had cheated on him. Worse yet, he couldn't believe how blatant Tucker
had been about it.

Kaitaama was an alluring woman, and Reed knew that his lover was
bi-sexual, but he'd thought that their relationship precluded them
from involvement with anyone else. He sighed, looking up to see if
anyone had heard it.

T'Pol regarded him from her station on the opposite side of the
bridge. She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head in query. Of course
she had heard him sigh. He shook his head and looked away.

He must get a hold of himself. Only two more hours and his shift would
be over.

Kaitaama had made no secret of her attraction to Tucker. She had in
fact, made it plain that she considered him her personal property.
That they'd shared more than a casual friendship on that water planet
was obvious to Reed in the way the woman hung all over the engineer.

Reed gritted his teeth at the thought and winced as the grinding set
them on edge. He glanced at the chrono. 1 hour and 48 seconds until he
could escape to the privacy of his cabin. He stifled a groan.

---

Engineering was not a pleasant place to be that day. Staff scurried
about the deck, carrying out the orders of a cranky chief engineer,
and doing their best to keep out of his way in between times.

Tucker, looking tired and grumpy, leaned against a console and scowled
at the readings for a moment before he looked up and spotted a staff
member who wasn't quick enough to avoid notice.

"Begley! Those generators are still out of synch. I want it
fixed...yesterday!" He turned and punched a few buttons, muttering to
himself as he read the screen. He shook his head and pushed a hand
through his hair.

Tucker hadn't seen his lover since the abortive attempt at talking
things through two days earlier. He had barely slept a wink since
coming back aboard the ship, and food had become an afterthought.

He'd made excuses for not joining Archer and T'Pol for dinner the past
two nights, but he had no hope of getting out of it again tonight.
Tucker sighed. He was expected in the captain's mess in about two
hours and Archer's tone when he made the 'invitation' warned Tucker
that he had better accept.

He managed to get through to the end of the shift without completely
alienating his staff, and he walked out of engineering and dragged his
weary way to his cabin where he quickly showered and changed into a
fresh uniform.

Inspecting himself in the mirror after getting dressed, Tucker shook
his head. He was unshaven and looked unkempt, but since the captain's
table was considered a less formal setting, he decided he was too
tired to bother with shaving. He combed his hair, and headed for the
captain's mess.

Archer and T'Pol were alreay seated when he arrived. He nodded to the
sub-commander and greeted the captain civilly.

As he took a seat, the captain looked Tucker over. "Hard day?"

"Yeah...we're still havin' some problems with those generators I told
y'about." He sighed and picked up his napkin, fidgeting with it as he
spoke. "I'm hopin we'll get it sorted out tomorrow."

Archer nodded. "Well, I'm glad you could join us tonight." He studied
his friend for a moment, and a slight frown touched his features.
Deciding not to press for more details for the moment, he leaned back
in his chair. "Steak and potatoes," he remarked. "I didn't think you
could resist that."

Tucker forced a small smile to his lips. "Great."


The meal passed slowly, interspered with silences broken by brief
remarks from the captain and even briefer replies from the engineer.

Archer frowned at his plate as he speared the last piece of steak on
his fork. He glanced at T'Pol who was watching Tucker with something
approaching puzzlement in her eyes. She turned to look at the captain.
"If you'll excuse me," she said, pushing to her feet.

Tucker stood at the same time, dropping his napkin onto his plate,
which held barely any less food than it had when the steward delivered
it.

"I should be..."

Archer cut him off. "Trip...siddown." He waved the commander back to
his seat and nodded to T'Pol. "G'night."

Tucker sank down on his chair. He bit his lip and waited until the
sub-commander had gone before he spoke.

"Cap'n, I've had a real tough week. I'm upta my ears with problems in
Engineerin' and I really need to get some shuteye."

"You're off duty tomorrow," Archer said. He moved to a side cabinet.
"Can I get you a drink? Beer?"

Seeing there was no way out, Tucker relented with a sigh. "Thanks."

---

Malcolm Reed sat in his quarters pretending to read a book. He'd
pretended to read the same paragraph about nine times so far. He
sighed and laid the book down. It was no use; his mind wouldn't focus
on reading, any better than it focussed on work at the moment.

He felt the need to do something physical. "That's it," he said to
himself. '"I need to go for a run, or...hit something." The pent up
anger and emotion of the past few days was reaching breaking point and
if he didn't let off some of that steam soon, Reed knew it was likely
to come out sideways and hit some unsuspecting person.

He got up and went to his locker; digging out sweats and a shirt which
he changed into. He grabbed a towel and headed for the gymnasium. A
good run, or a workout with the punching bag was just what the doctor
ordered, he decided as he walked along the corridor.

---

Tucker met the captain's eyes as his friend handed him a cold beer. He
read the expression in them and lowered his eyes. Okay, so this was
going to be one of *those* discussions. He drew a deep breath, took a
swig of his beer and braced for it.

"What's going on with you, Trip?" Archer wasted no time on
pleasantries. He went right for the throat.

"It's personal, Cap'n."

"No, it's not. Not anymore. Personal stays inside your own cabin,
Trip. I know for a fact this situation, whatever it is, is no longer
personal. I had a couple of complaints about you today."

Tucker sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I guess
I've been ridin a few people harder than usual. I'll ease up on them."

"Trip," Archer said insistently, causing the engineer to look up and
meet his eyes. "Who is she?"

"She?" Tucker was genuinely confused for a moment.

"Well, every time I've seen you like this before, there's been a woman
involved. Kaitaama?"

Tucker shook his head. "No. Not exactly."

"Who then?"

"Not she, Cap'n. He."

Archer sank down in a chair and leaned back, studying Tucker as his
mind went back over the day. He remembered Reed's inattention to his
work, the general demeanour of the Brit as he'd moped most of his
shift away on the bridge. Archer's brows drew together in a frown and
he shook his head. "Malcolm?!?"

Tucker's head snapped up and pained blue eyes met Archer's the answer
was written in every feature. Tucker swallowed hard and nodded. "How'd
you know?"

"It's not hard to work it out. You're walking around the ship with a
face a mile long...the only other person on board with his ass
dragging on the deck is Malcolm Reed."

Tucker nodded and let his head drop. Staring into his beer. "I screwed
up." he muttered.

"Want to talk about it?"

Tucker nodded, but he didn't say anything for so long after that
Archer began to think that he'd changed his mind. He waited, letting
Tucker find his own pace.

Tucker sighed and rubbed his forehead with one hand, moving to pinch
the bridge of his nose with thumb and forefinger as though to nurse a
hedache. "I cheated on him, Jon. I...I don't even know why I did it. I
can't explain it. It just...happened."

"Trip, things like that don't 'just happen.'" Archer leaned forward
and touched his friend on the shoulder. "You had to be involved
somehow...I mean, you weren't forced, were you?"

"No." Tucker's tone was miserable. "She didn't force me." He sighed
and looked up. "I acted like an asshole, and somehow, Malcolm knows
and now he won't even talk to me...I can't get him to answer my calls,
he won't look at me. I've *tried* going to talk to him in his
cabin...he changed the code, and he won't let me in."

"Can you blame him?" Archer didn't relent. "You gave him a lousy deal,
Trip." He saw the engineer wince. "I won't pull any punches. You and I
both know this isn't the first time you've been in this situation."

Tucker closed his eyes. His expression showed he knew what Jon was
talking about. He swallowed hard. "I know."

With a shake of his head, Jon let his breath go with a loud sigh and
got to his feet. "I thought you learned something from that, Trip."

"I did!" Tucker looked up. "I...well, I thought I did." He lowered his
eyes. "Kelly dumped me; I lost her...but I don't wanna lose Malcolm."

"Then work out what it is that makes you do this."

"You think I haven't tried?" Tucker got up. "I've spent the last four
days trying to work THAT out!"

"I know you pretty well," Archer said as he turned to look into
Tucker's eyes. "I think I know what might be behind it, if you'll give
me a hearing."

"Please..."

"How serious is your relationship with Malcolm? How long have you two
been together?"

Tucker frowned. "I dunno, a few months, maybe?"

The captain nodded.

"We're...we were pretty close."

"As close as you were with Kelly?" Archer saw the begnning of
realization cross Tucker's features.

"Yeah..." Tucker frowned and then met the captain's eyes. "I'd say
more than with Kelly."

Tucker had been involved in a relationship with Kelly Handford during
training. A scientist, the pretty, redhaired woman caught Tucker's eye
almost from the first day he'd seen her. It had taken a few weeks for
him to work up the courage to ask her out, but finally, egged on by
Jon and a couple of other trainees, he had asked the lovely young
woman out on a date.

Once he'd taken the first step, Tucker began to see Kelly regularly.
They'd become very serious. Tucker even confided to Archer that he was
considering making a deeper commitment. Then, a few weeks later, it
was over. Tucker had moved on to another girl and over the enusing
weeks, the whole sorry story came out in late night drinking sessions
between them. Tucker had slept with another woman, and Kelly found out
and ended their relationship.

Archer didn't say anything. He looked into his friends eyes for a long
moment.

"Wait a minute...are you sayin' I did this on purpose? That I *meant*
to hurt Malcolm?"

"Only you can answer that, Trip." Archer gave his friend a pat on the
shoulder. "But let me tell you something...you need to work this out.
Not just for you and Malcolm. For the sake of our mission; you've got
to reach a place where this isn't affecting his, or your work.
Understand?"

Tucker sighed and then nodded as he met the captain's eyes. "I don't
know how...but I'll work it out. Maybe ya could see your way clear to
lock us up somewhere?" he offered it in a half joking tone, but his
eyes darkened as he looked away. "I'll try, Cap'n."

"Good." Archer ushered the engineer towards the door, keeping his arm
across Tucker's shoulders in a gesture of camaraderie as the door
opened. "Try to get some sleep, huh? Your staff are concerned that
you're going to blow a gasket."

"Aye, Cap'n." Tucker said as he stepped through the door. "Night."

---

"Do ya think you could see your way clear to lock us up somewhere?"

Trip thought of his words to the captain a few days before and shook
his head. He'd been joking, but those words had come back to haunt him
several times since the crew had been forced to take refuge in the
catwalk.

He sighed as he shifted position in the cramped space that passed for
his 'sleeping quarters' {Sleep?} he asked himself. {With all this
racket, the smells, the stuffiness?} Another shake of his head and he
sat up with an exasperated sigh. Careful not to step on anyone, or
disturb fitfully sleeping crew members, he picked his way out to the
walkway and swung under the railing. Stepping onto the metal catwalk,
he began to walk along it, stopping here and there to speak with crew
members who were as sleepless as he was himself.

Even if the captain had decided to lock him up with Malcolm on
purpose, it wouldn't have worked. Amazingly, for such cramped
quarters, the lieutenant still managed to avoid him. Reed Spoke to
Tucker only when duty demanded it, and kept out of his way any other
time.

Malcolm spent a lot of time with Travis and Hoshi. It rankled with
Tucker. Sometimes, the way Mayweather looked at Trip made him wonder
just how much the ensign knew. Tucker rubbed at his face in mounting
frustration. The captain had as good as ordered him to sort the
situation out, but how could he, when Reed wouldn't even acknowledge
his existence?

A violent impact shook Enterprise and Tucker grabbed the hand rail to
steady himself. Once it subsided he began to walk again but was
brought up short by the soft groan of a man in distress. He paused,
listening. There it was again. Faint, but unmistakeable. Tucker ducked
through the safety rail and moved towards the sound.

"Is everyone' all right back here?"

There was a flicker of movement, and a huddled figure, crouched in the
shadows looked up at him. "Fine, thank you," The accented voice was
familiar, and somewhat raspy. Reed held a small metal receptacle in
his hands. He was the picture of misery.

"Malcolm?" Tucker stepped forward. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Go away."

The short, bitten out sentences, punctuated by gasping breaths made
Tucker's heart jump. "Are ya hurt?"

"No."

"Mal..."

"Commander...I'm all right. Just..." Another vibration shook through
the ship. Reed pitched forward and threw up.

Tucker was at his side in an instant. He laid a hand on Reed's back,
between the shoulder blades. "Just take some deep breaths..." He
couldn't feel any hint of fever through the cloth of Reed's uniform.
That was something. He winced as another round of retching seized the
lieutenant. "Easy now...breathe. In through yer nose, out through yer
mouth. You're gonna be okay."

The retching eased and Reed passed a shaking hand across his mouth.
"Thank you," he croaked.

"You all right?"

"Yes." Reed nodded, and then he let out a breath. "Motion sickness,"
he muttered. "I've always had problems with turbulence."

"You should see the doc. He can treat that. Malcolm, I..."

"Don't!" Reed shrugged Tucker's hand off of his back and straightened.
"I appreciate you coming to check on me." He struggled to his feet.
"I'll go see the doctor now, Sir."

Watching as the lieutenant made his way unsteadily to the catwalk,
Tucker shook his head and swore under his breath. "Damned stubborn..."
he sank down in the spot Malcolm had been hunched in and closed his
eyes, leaning his head back against the bulkhead. The whole area stank
of vomit, but at least it was darker here, and the worst of the racket
was dimmed. Malcolm had a talent for finding a quiet spot, Tucker
mused as he let his mind drift. Before long, he was asleep.


---

Tucker didn't get another opportunity to speak privately with Reed for
a couple of days. The lieutenant kept busy with small tasks, taking
his shift in the command center, and slinking off to some quiet corner
to talk with Mayweather or read. He barely gave Tucker the time of day
and the longer it went on, the more frustrated the engineer got.

Life on the catwalk wasn't easy. The cramped quarters, the stuffiness
and the million and one little foibles that 83 crew could display in
one twenty-four hour period added up to frayed nerves, hot tempers and
headaches. The only thing anyone could do was try to live with one
another as peaceably as possible, and invent ways to pass the time.

A poker game ran almost round the clock with players wagering anything
from reading materials to rations. Tucker was playing a few hands with
Mayweather and Hoshi when Reed walked by.

"Hey Malcolm!" Mayweather beamed a smile at the armoury officer. "Come
join us, we'll deal you in."

Reed hesitated, his eyes taking in the group, flickering past Tucker
as though he couldn't even bear to look at him. "I think I'll pass,"
he said. "I'm tired."

"Oh come on, Malcolm..." Hoshi looked up at him. "I know you've got a
stash of deserts in your ration pack. Give someone else a chance to
win them."

Reed sighed, shuffled his feet. Finally, he nodded. "All right."

Tucker kept his eyes carefully on his cards. He didn't dare to hope
that Malcolm might be cracking. It was a poker game. Nothing to get
excited about.

They played a few hands without speaking other than to call their
bets. Tucker glanced across the table at Reed once or twice to find
the lieutenant's eyes had never strayed from his hand. Losing even the
tiny shred of hope he'd almost allowed to flicker to life, Tucker
rested his chin in his hand and waited for the next round of bets.

"I'll see your strawberry shortcake, and raise you... a pineapple
cobbler." Reed placed the package on the pile in the center of the
table.

Hoshi placed her bet. Broccoli. Tucker queried it and she shrugged.
"I'm out of deserts."

Tucker stared at Reed openly. His mind wandered of its own accord. He
remembered times when that voice had purred into his ears late at
night, when he had woken in the mornings, held close in those arms.
When the hands that held the cards had sent shivers of delight through
every part of him with their touch. He licked his lips and suddenly
found himself looking into Reed's eyes across the table.

"What I wouldn't give for a shower right about now." Reed unzipped his
uniform a few inches and loosened the collar of his undershirt. The
look he shot Tucker at the same time, made the engineer's pulse jump.
"When this hand's over, you might look at building one."

{Bastard,} Tucker thought. Reed was well aware of the affect he was
having. "You want a sauna while I'm at it?"

Mayweather snickered and shifted in his seat uncomfortably as the air
almost sang with tension.

"You knew we were going to be stuck in here for more than a week."
Reed looked into Tucker's eyes. "You might have given some thought to
making it tolerable."

That was unfair. Tucker frowned. "I only had four hours. You're lucky
we even have a toilet."

"Well, I obviously overestimated your people's abilities when it comes
to indoor plumbing."

Tucker bristled, Malcolm's attitude was beginning to piss him off.
"You want a shower?"

Reed nodded.

"Try buildin' one yourself."

He saw Reed's eyes darken, and the lieutenant opened his mouth to
speak.

Hoshi and Travis exchanged a worried glance across the table.

Tucker waited for Reed's response, but it never came.

"I think something's burning!" Travis said.

Their argument forgotten, both Tucker and Reed scrambled out onto the
walkway. Smoke billowed from the curtained off area they'd assigned to
the Takred passengers.

By the time the situation with the Takred and their impromptu barbecue
was settled, Tucker had forgotten his anger at his lover. He merely
wished that he could find some way to get Malcolm to listen to him. He
would have given anything, he thought, to go back to the day on the
water planet when he impulsviely decided to have sex with Kaitaama,
and change it.

Making his way to his assigned area later that night, he sighed and
shook his head. Another day had gone by and he was no closer to
working things out with Reed than he was when the Neutronic wave front
first hit.

He picked up a blanket and was about to settle down when a cough
caught his attention. Tucker glanced over his shoulder to find Malcolm
Reed standing on the walkway above him. The commander blinked.
"Malcolm?"

Reed didn't speak. Blue-grey eyes looked him over from head to foot.

Tucker waited.

Reed's hand tightened on the railing for a moment, he shuffled his
feet and then shook his head. "I'm sorry, Sir." he said in an
undertone before he turned away. "Excuse me."

"Malcolm!" Tucker bolted for the safety rail and ducked through it,
bumping his head smartly on the way. He rubbed it, but followed his
lover quickly. "Malcolm, come back here!"

"This was a mistake," Reed muttered, more to himself than to Tucker.
"I shouldn't have...."

He stopped as Tucker grabbed his arm and swung him around.

"Stop right there, Malcolm! You came to me for a reason, and I wanna
know why!"

---

Malcolm Reed stared into the blue eyes of his lover for a long moment
after Tucker dragged him to a stop. He shifted his weight from one
foot to the other. After casting a glance along the catwalk, he looked
at Tucker again.

"I came to say I was sorry," he said. "I've said it. Excuse me." He
took a step away but Tucker caught his arm and he stopped.

"Sorry? What for?" Tucker looked at him with a frown.

Reed sighed. It had been Hoshi's idea that he should try talking to
Tucker. She had given him one of her looks after the whole Takred
thing was settled.

"What was all that about?" Hoshi asked.

"About?" Reed frowned. "It is rather dangerous to build a fire over a
plasma manifold."

"I don't mean that." Hoshi frowned, "You know what I mean...why were
you so nasty to Commander Tucker? He did his best to make this place
liveable. Your comments were pretty harsh."

"I've been told I was harsh about the shower thing," Reed muttered. "I
thought I should apologize, for the things I said about your staff."

Tucker shook his head. "That's it? You're sorry for dumpin' on my
people about the shower?"

With a small shrug, Reed looked away. He wasn't sure he was sorry at
all.

Tucker sighed and leaned against the safety rail. "Malcolm, we need to
talk. This can't go on the way it is, the Cap'n..."

"I don't think there is anything to talk about, Mister Tucker."
Malcolm met the engineer's eyes for a moment. "I'm sure the captain is
concerned about our working relationship, and I am willing to keep
that on the level..."

"Wait!" Tucker stepped forward so that he was face to face with the
Brit. "Listen t'me will ya? Okay, I slept with her...I won't deny
that. It was stupid and I can't tell ya how sorry I am that I did." He
grabbed Reed's arm to keep him in place. "If you'll just listen t'me I
can try to explain."

"I don't think it will make any difference, Commander." Reed pulled
his arm free.

"Malcolm, please..." Tucker let his hand fall to his side. "I wasn't
usin' my head." He lowered his eyes to stare at the deck.

Reed gave a snort of laughter that contained no mirth. "Well, not the
one attatched to your neck, at any rate." His words were clipped and
cold, spoken in an undertone.

"I guess I deserved that." Tucker leaned his elbows on the hand rail
and let his head fall onto his forearms.

"Yes, you bloody did. And you deserve a lot more besides," Reed
replied. "You're just lucky this storm hit us when it did, Mister
Tucker."

"You know what?" Tucker's voice was edged with pent up anger as he
pushed away from the handrail. "I don't know why I'm even
botherin'with this shit! It's a waste o' time!"

"Really?" Reed stepped closer to the engineer, pushing him back until
the small of his back met the unyielding metal of the safety rail. "A
waste of time?" He laid a hand on Tucker's shoulder, turned it so that
his palm rested against the pulse point in the engineer's throat. He
made it a caress; rubbing across the sensitive skin. Reed smirked as
he felt a shudder run through Tucker's body. He leaned in, his lips a
breath away from Tucker's as he whispered, "Please don't waste anymore
precious time on *my* account!" Abruptly breaking the contact, he
turned and walked away.

---

Tucker watched his lover walk away. His heart pounded, he trembled
from head to foot, and the pressing hardness in his pants was an
aching reminder of just what he was missing. How could he have been
such a fucking idiot? His relationship with Reed was the best thing
that had ever happened to him. How could he have been so stupid as to
risk throwing it away. He stifled a groan and climbed down into the
recess where he had set up his cot.

The engineer spent a restless night, unable to sleep; images of that
parting shot replaying over in his mind until he was driven to the
hights of frustration. Tucker began to be convinced that Malcolm was
playing him. Like a catfish on the end of a line. Like ... like Tucker
sat up suddenly.

Malcolm said he didn't care. Okay so if he didn't care, why did he
bother to tease him? Tucker's heart began to race at the thought. If
he really didn't care, Malcolm wouldn't do that, would he?

A glance at a data pad told him it was 0400. Reed was usually awake by
that time of day. Tucker got up and reached for his uniform. He was
going to see Malcolm and work this out once and for all. He cared
about Malcolm too much to just let this relationship slip away.

Okay he'd acted like an ass, and there was no excuse for it, but if he
could just get Malcolm to listen, they might be able to find a way
through this.

Tucker dressed hurriedly and made his way along the catwalk to where
Malcolm had his cot.

Malcolm was awake, reading a data pad when Tucker arrived. He looked
up at the sound of approaching footsteps and then shut off the pad.
Getting to his feet, he met Tucker's eyes. "Is there something I can
do for you, Commander?" Cool veneer, professional; standing to
attention.

Tucker looked Reed over and allowed a smirk. "Maybe there is, at
that," he said, allowing just enough heat into his voice to have
startled grey-blue eyes snap to his face with a glimmer of
uncertainty. There was more than a glimmer of pain too, and Tucker
winced when he saw it. He dropped the cocky facade and sighed. "Can we
talk? I mean...really talk."

"I suppose so." Reed's sigh echoed Tucker's and he stepped forward.
"Somewhere a bit quieter," he said in an undertone. Reed led the way
to the space he'd used when the motion sickness was at it's worst. He
turned to face Tucker. "Talk. I'm listening."

Biting his lips, Tucker thought for a moment and then looked into
Reed's eyes. "I'm sorry, Malcolm. I honestly never meant for this to
happen. I wouldn't hurt ya for anythin'. You hafta believe that."

Reed folded his arms across his chest, a defensive action that wasn't
lost on the engineer.

"Look Malcolm I can't change what I did...I can only try to make it
better. I--"

"You cheated on me, Trip. Can't you just acknowledge that? You took
our relationship and stomped all over it."

"Cheated...I...I guess that's what you'd call it."

"I could say fucked around. It's not so bad if it's just a fuck, is
it? As long as it didn't mean anything to you, that's supposed to make
me feel better?"

"Now that's not fair, Malcolm. It was a stupid mistake. I keep tryin'
to tell ya!"

"Oh it was a mistake all right, Mister Tucker. MY mistake in thinking
you might be different to anyone else."

Tucker winced. "I love you, Malcolm."

"You have a very odd way of showing that love."

Pushed beyond endurance, Tucker's temper flared. "Well I'm sorry I
don't carry myself the way you do Malcolm, some of us aren't as
focussed as you...some of us make mistakes because we're afraid. You
wouldn't know anything about that though, would you, Malcolm? You're
always true grit, nothin' phases you!"

"No...I'm not true grit. Plenty phases me, Trip...like having my heart
stomped all over by you for instance? *That* hurt." He swalowed hard.
"But I don't expect *you'd* understand that, either. You're the one
who does the hurting. You strike first...preemptive strike...and you
just carry on as though nothing had happened. I hope she was worth it,
Mister Tucker." Reed turned away. "I've got a duty shift in ten
minutes."

"She wasn't worth it," Tucker said. "Nothin's worth this."

Reed glanced at him. "Oh well, I'm sure there'll be others."

"NO! No, Malcolm this will never happen again, I promise ya! I learned
somethin' this time 'round. I learned that I don't wanna lose this...I
don't wanna lose *us.*"

"This time 'round?" Reed turned to look at Tucker. "You're telling me
you've done this before?" He shook his head in disbelief. "You amaze
me!" He stepped towards the catwalk.

"Wait, Malcolm!" Tucker followed him and raised his voice. "MALCOLM!"

"For god's sakes, keep your voice down, do you want the entire crew to
hear us?" Malcolm returned to him, his eyes hard and cold in the
shadows.

"No I won't, we gotta talk about this and sort it ... We're both
hurtin have you never done anythin you're ashamed of Malcolm? If not
then go on an' walk away, but if you have, talk to me."

Reed drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Why, Trip? That's what
I don't understand...Why?"

It was sex Malcolm. I got carried away and it felt good at the
time...until after...but I never did it to hurt ya Malcolm, I dunno
*why* I did it."

"And the next time you get carried away and something feels good,
you'll do the same thing again. Forget me, forget all we've shared..."

"No." Tucker sighed. "It's what I've been tryin to tell ya, it's
different this time...before, I got out because I wanted to. I guess
somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted out; but this time I realize
I don't. I'm scared Malcolm, I never had someone I really love before,
not like this."

Reed cast the engineer a look from the corner of his eyes, and looked
away quickly, but something in that look gave Tucker hope. He stepped
closer.

"Mal, I run away from everyone, and everythin that tries to get close
to me. Kelly, Ruby, Natalie..."

"And now you've done it again. You've remained perfectly true to form,
and you expect me to believe it won't happen again. I can't, Trip. I
can't invest myself into something like that. I...no matter what you
think, I'm not some kind of unfeeling..." he sighed. "I honestly don't
think this is going to work."

"It can...it *will* if you'll just gimme a chance to prove how much I
love you."

"I've trusted you before, Trip. You abused that trust. It's not
something I can simply switch on and off."

"I know. I understand that." Tucker was almost pleading. "I made a
stupid, asshole mistake and I don't deserve anythin' less than what ya
gave me back for it...but believe me, Malcolm, I swear t'God it'll
never happen again!" He trailed off, letting his words hang in the air
between them. He watched Reed's face for what seemed like an age. All
the while he silently prayed that Malcolm would give him another
chance.

Reed turned to him. His eyes were dark with some unreadable emotion
and Tucker bit his lip, feeling like a convicted man who awaits the
judge's sentence.

"I'll think about it," Reed said at length.

"That's all I'm askin'." Tucker let his breath go and sagged against a
bulkhead.

"I have to go," Reed added. He brushed past Tucker and made his way to
the catwalk.

Tucker closed his eyes and pressed a hand against them to hold back
threatening tears. After a moment, he patted the bulkhead with one
hand and spoke softly. "Darlin', if I ever fuck up like that again,
promise you'll kill me."

"I promise," a voice said, jerking him out of his reverie. "But don't
call me darlin'."

"Cap'n!" Tucker straightened and quickly brushed a hand through his
hair. "I didn't hear ya..."

"I thought I should come and remind you your shift in the command
center started five minutes ago."

"Sorry." Tucker scrambled towards the catwalk but the captain pulled
him up with a hand on his shoulder. "I saw Malcolm leaving...I take it
you worked things out?"

"Maybe," Tucker replied. "I'll...let ya know."

---

It was good to be clean again. Eight days without a shower, or a
change of uniform was not the most pleasant experience of the voyage.
Reed stepped out of the shower, hips swathed in a towel, and looked
into the mirror. His hair curled damply against his scalp and he took
another towel and rubbed at it vigorously.

His thoughts carried him back to the last day they'd spent in the
catwalk. It was a Tuesday; movie night. Tucker had not officially
asked Reed to go with him to the movie, but the engineer had
positioned himself as close to Reed as he could without actually
touching him. At first, Reed was unsure how to respond. He knew that
he wasn't ready, yet, to let his lover completely back into his life.

Reed had never been one to trust easily, but when he did allow anyone
under his defences, he trusted completely. It usually led to hurt.
Reed sighed as he pulled a comb through his dark curls. Rebuilding
that trust would take time, he knew. He hoped Tucker understood that
as well.

Laying the comb on the counter, he turned away from the mirror. As
yet, he hadn't decided just how much of his heart he wanted to open to
Tucker again.

The clean t-shirt and sweats he pulled on felt smooth and soft against
his skin. He sighed in pleasure, revelling in the sensation. It was
good to get out of the catwalk; to get back to the privacy that he so
cherished. Reed moved to his small desk and sat down in front of his
computer. He planned to spend the rest of his day off catching up on
mail.

The sounding of the doorchime almost brought a grunt of resentment
from him. Reluctantly he glanced at the door. "Come in." Couldn't
people understand that after eight days cramped into that crawl space,
one craved a little alone time?

The door slid open with a muted hiss and Reed came to his feet in a
rush. "Captain," he said, His hands slid behind his back by reflex and
he straightened his shoulders.

"Relax, Malcolm." Archer waved a hand at him and smiled affably. "This
isn't a formal visit, and it won't take long."

With a nod, Reed relaxed to the extent that he let his hands drop to
his sides. He stood looking at the captain in silence for a moment
until Archer grinned and waved to a chair. "Mind if I sit?"

"Oh...of course, sir." Reed nodded and sank down on the chair by his
desk as the captain eased his large frame onto the sofa.

"Malcolm, how're you doing?"

It was an odd question coming from the captain, and seemingly out of
the blue. Reed blinked. "I'm fine, sir." He knew his puzzlement must
be showing in his expression.

Archer nodded and seemed to consider for a long moment before he
looked into Reed's eyes. "I am aware of the...situation with you and
Trip," he said. "I wanted to...touch base with you and see if there is
anything I could do?"

Hot colour flooded to Reed's cheeks and he lowered his eyes. "He told
you?"

"I guess I...didn't give him much choice," Archer replied. "It won't
go any further, Malcolm."

With a small nod, Reed met the captain's eyes. "Thank you, sir." He
stood up. "I don't think there is anything much you, or anyone can do.
It's a matter of time."

"I understand." Archer took the hint and got up, but he paused a
moment. "Do you have someone you can talk to? Phlox is..."

"Thank you, Captain. I have ... someone."

Archer nodded. "All right." He took a step towards the door, but then
he stopped and turned to look at Reed. "You know, I've already told
Trip that...I'll kill him if he hurts you again."

Reed's mouth dropped open and he stared into the captain's eyes, lost
for words. Realizing he was gawping, he shut his mouth with a snap and
nodded. He didn't know what to say.

Archer chuckled and moved to press the door control. "Goodnight,
Malcolm."

---

The End

---

© 2003 Kalita Kasar