The BLTS Archive- Rain
by Captain Kate (captainkate@postmaster.co.uk)

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DISCLAIMER: I'm just taking them out to play for a while, they'll be
back before you know it...

NOTES: I just got through watching Counterpoint and although I was
prepared to hate it... I *loved* it! Janeway just came to life.
Kashyk was her perfect counterpoint. Made me briefly wonder(well,
long enough to write this lot down) whether Janeway and Chakotay
could ever go the distance. I'd also just read something by August,
and then I read a poem by Anna Akhmatova, then I had a bottle of
beer...

---

The slight sheen in your eyes was the only thing that gave you away.
We were standing side by side on the bridge of Voyager as you brought
us into spacedock. Your eyes were fixed on earth. Mine were fixed on
you. Your chin was up, your shoulders staunch, your hands clasped
firmly behind your back. The slight jolt of the docking clamps shook
us and I saw you close your eyes briefly. I had to look away then,
felt like I was intruding on something personal, and not for the first
time I felt an apprehensive knot in my stomach that had nothing to do
with Earth or the Alpha Quadrant or Starfleet. Looking back, I guess I
should paid more attention to my gut.

Voyager was a difficult experience. It altered our perceptions in ways
we hadn't even imagined until we felt the spacedock clutching us to
its bosom, suddenly knew that life as we had known it for so long was
undeniably over. For all the ways, however, that Voyager made things
difficult, it also made some things easier, and this was the root of
my discomfort. It was easy to believe that things would always be this
simple. During our journey we, and by we I mean all of us, the entire
family, we were an entirely understood and defined quantity. We found
our places, carved out our corners, solidified our place in the web of
lives. And my place was by your side. I had always felt it, although
it took you some time to let it be. I was convinced it was something
cosmic, something spiritual that bound us. You loved me, in your own
way, but you never entertained the idea of our love on the same level
as I. But that didn't matter. We were bound to one another by the
situation, surely something mystical had thrown us together? It was
meant to be. I never imagined having to vie for your attention. Maybe
I should have seen it. Maybe I should have known. Maybe I was so
wrapped up in worshipping the spirits who brought us together, when I
should have been worshipping you. Oh I had worshipped your body until
your cried for it to stop, and thanked the stars that I stood at your
side. But your soul? I don't think I ever knew you that well. I
remember the last time we spoke. All of a sudden I didn't like you
very much, and I also didn't like me. I wonder if I ever really knew
either of us.

---

I saw my family off the ship. Each of them, one by one, we said our
goodbyes, none of us certain when we'd all meet again. Chakotay lagged
behind, waiting for me, and I was grateful of the company. He sensed
my distance and sought to close it physically. He had been trailing me
around the ship since we first achieved the far reaches of the Alpha
Quadrant. I sensed his anxiety but could do nothing to stem it. We'd
talked about what would happen if and when we finally made it, but I
don't think we really thought about it until it was too real to
ignore. He didn't like the idea of sharing me with Earth, with
everyone there, and I was so eager to spread myself wide and take it
all in. He'd never say anything directly of course, and I found his
insecure plan-making touching. He just needed to make sure. I guess
that's when I should have said something, but things had been so
uncomplicated, I thought, and so pleasant. I never realised what a
walkover Mark had been -- he let me have it all -- and I thought
Chakotay would be the same. I've never been more wrong, or more sorry.


The reception in our honour was as grand an affair as could be
expected at such short notice. Families hugged, people wept, I think I
even saw Tuvok a little glassy-eyed. And I waltzed about the place
with a permanent entourage, the Captain who had brought Voyager home.

I guess I was a little intoxicated with the high spirits of the
gathering, a little big-headed. I was the centre of attention and for
once I allowed myself to love it. It made me an ugly creature. I
searched the crowds for you, pulled you out to dance with me. We held
one another close and you told me you loved me and pulled me closer.
But I couldn't speak the words back to you. They would not come. You
didn't seem to notice immediately, but I had shocked myself enough for
both of us. You noticed my silence and eventually pulled back to look
at me. I saw the fear in your eyes and can't imagine you saw anything
in mine to reassure you. Some press people came along for an
interview, separated us. I kept looking over at you as you drifted to
the bar. I saw you order a drink and it made you cough. I never saw
you drink before.

Tom came to me hours later. I was sitting by the tall open windows
watching the rain. He slipped a drink into my hands and we just sat in
silence for a while. He began to speak about B'Elanna in a
disconnected kind of way and, unfortunately, I understood him
perfectly. It was all different now. Then he mentioned your name. I
wanted to cry. When he spoke your name I felt bad, rotten. He
misunderstood me, I think, for he began to rub my arm and say cheery,
trite things. All of a sudden it was too much; too much misplaced
sympathy, too many people hailing me when inside I felt like pondscum.

|I don't love him Tom.|

The hand on my arm stopped, but something else froze me, and that's
when I turned and saw you. You excused yourself and stepped outside.
I was up out of my seat and through the doors before I could even
think why I was following you. What could I say?

A little way from the building you stopped and turned to me, frozen in
your tracks a way back. We stood for what seemed an eternity, the rain
soaking us, dripping into our eyes and off our noses. Perhaps I was
crying. I didn't want to leave it like this, hadn't meant for it to
happen like this. If I hadn't been so cold maybe I would have felt a
regretful chill as you turned and surveyed the dark night and spoke,
your voice carried away from me into the blackness.

"Why don't you get in out of the rain."

I wish none of this had ever happened.

---

I wrung my hands under my dark veil...
'Why are you so pale, what makes you so reckless?'
-Because I have made my loved one drunk
with an astringent sadness.

I'll never forget. He went out, reeling;
his mouth twisted, desolate...
I ran downstairs, not touching the banisters,
and followed him as far as the gate.

And shouted choking: 'I meant it all
in fun. Don't leave me, or I'll die of pain.'
He smiled at me - oh so calmly, terribly-
and said: 'Why don't you get out of the rain?'

Anna Akhmatova
trans. M.Hayward & S.Kunitz

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The End