The BLTS Archive- Hope and Fear and Hope
by Captain Kate (captainkate@postmaster.co.uk)

---

DISCLAIMER : All things Trek belong to Paramount, blah blah
blah....the following story belongs to me. This is purely
for entertainment, no profit involved.

WARNING : This is pure romantic stuff : not even an attempt
at a Trek-worthy storyline to be found! I've also rated it
NC17, for mild scenes of a sexual nature, but there's no
real hankypanky!

---

"Apologies from everyone at Starfleet Command. We've had our best
people working around the clock, trying to find a wormhole, a new
means of propulsion, anything to get you back home, but despite our
best efforts. I know it's not what you were hoping, but we have
sent you all the data we've collected on the Delta Quadrant. With any
luck you'll find at least some part of it useful, maybe even enough to
shave a few years of your trip. Safe journey. We hope to see you
soon."


Kathryn Janeway sighed and tapped the screen in front of her, freezing
the image. Even now, months later, Admiral Chapman's message still
made her incredibly sad. She could feel the pain tightening in her
gut. She didn't know why she kept watching it; there were no hidden
meanings, no surprises. The message saddened her immensely, but still
she clung to it: she had dredged it up that morning and every time she
watched the message she felt a lump in her throat, but she had run it
over and over again until tears had begun to burn her eyes and she had
stopped the playback.

Closing her eyes and fighting back the tears, Janeway shook her head
as if to shake free the gloom. At the sound of her doorchimes she
immediately forced herself back into command-mode.

"Come in." Her voice was not as steady as she had hoped, and the look
on Chakotay's face as he crossed her Ready Room to her showed that he
hadn't missed this.

"Anything wrong?" he asked, frowning slightly.

"No. Thank you, Commander. Now, what do you have for me there?" She
stayed leaned back in her chair, extending one arm and slender hand
towards the data padds he was holding in his right hand. Chakotay
didn't offer them to her.

"Just the reports from the last shift. Nothing exciting at all." He
shrugged and pursed his lips. Janeway rose and came around the desk,
taking the padds from him. She began to peruse them, sighed heavily.
Chakotay was right - everything was just fine. That was good, but
didn't make for entertaining reading!

"You want me to check them over? You look tired." Chakotay lowered his
head so he could see her face, bent in concentration over the first
report. She shook her head.

"Thank you, but I'm sure you have plenty to do." She smiled
gratefully, raising her eyes to meet those of her First Officer. There
was such peace in his face, his eyes locked into hers were serene and
calming. Kathryn suddenly relaxed before him; she hadn't realised
she'd been holding herself so tensely.

"Tell you what," she added, sighing forcefully once again, "how about
I get us a pot of coffee and we take half each?" It was times like
this that she could not ignore the fact that sometimes it helped just
to have him there, with his quiet, unassuming strength and support.

"Wonderful!" Chakotay grinned widely, always happy to spend time with
her, always hoping that she would let him in again.

They sat down on the low couch beneath the viewport, and Kathryn
poured two large cups of coffee, handing one to Chakotay. He took a
mouthful from his cup and coughed violently and abruptly, the hot
liquid sloshing dangerously.

"Something wrong, Commander?" Janeway smirked, barely suppressing her
giggles.

"Gods Kathryn!" he said, laughing. "This stuff would bring the warp
plasma manifolds up a treat!"

"A little strong for you I take it?"

"A little. But I'll manage." The comical-worried look on his face
started her laughing, reminding her of their time on new Earth when
the emergence of his dry sense of humour had been a pleasant surprise
to her.

His face dissolved into a warm smile as he watched her, her eyes
shining, hands animated, more relaxed than he'd seen her in months.
Since the incident with Arturis and the Dauntless. He glanced over at
the computer screen on her desk, the Admiral's image still frozen
there. He'd noticed it when he came in earlier. She followed his gaze
and her laughter faded.

"Been thinking of home?" Chakotay ventured quietly.

"Yes." Kathryn responded in an almost-whisper, her eyes still on the
Admiral. She seemed to gather her thoughts then. "I went over the data
they sent, again, it really isn't of much use to us - but then we
already knew that." she added, her hands palm-up in an open gesture
towards her First Officer. She drew her mouth into a thin line and
shook her head. "The maps and starcharts they sent are pretty much
useless. With Seven's expertise in Astrometrics and Stellar
Cartography, our charts and records are likely already far more
detailed than anything collated by Starfleet, or even the Federation
for that matter."

"They probably feel as helpless as us, Kathryn. It was a gesture more
than anything."

"I know, but..." She paused, her gaze lowered. Chakotay set his cup
down and moved to sit next to her. He picked up her hands, clasped in
her lap and spoke to her.

"I know you were hoping for something more."

"And that's exactly what I got, isn't it?!" She exhaled sharply, as if
in disbelief of herself. "We have an indecipherable message from
Starfleet Command that remains inaccessible for months. Then an alien
with a gift for puzzles arrives, and the next thing I know we not only
have a coherent message from home saying exactly what we want to hear,
but also a whole new starship equipped with just what we need?" Her
tone was questioning. "I should have seen it coming, Chakotay."

"You had your suspicions, and you brought us all through this."

"Yes, but-"

"Kathryn!" Chakotay tipped her face up, with a gentle hand under her
chin. "Stop beating yourself up over this! We're all fine now -
everything worked out. Ah - no -" He put a finger to her lips as she
tried to interrupt him. "I know what you're going to say, but you are
allowed to get caught up in the moment every now and then." He
continued when she didn't try to interrupt again. "It's OK, Kathryn.
Even the Captain is allowed to get excited once in a while." He
raised his eyebrows. He was right, of course, but that wasn't the
whole issue. Nevertheless, now was not the time for all that.

She smiled, saying quietly, "Thank you, Chakotay."

One of his hands remained protectively over hers, the fingers of the
other hesitated at her jawline. Kathryn found herself staring into
Chakotay's black, dark eyes. He was so close to her, and she was aware
of his breath hot on her face. She instinctively reached up a hand to
his cheek, and he blinked lazily and turned his face into her palm. A
jolt shook her and she snatched her hand away from him and scooted
back to a slightly safer distance. Chakotay also started, and reached
for his coffee and a padd.

"So," Kathryn began, "did Engineering get that signature fluctuation
in the anti-matter reactors pinned down?" She fought the impulse to
blush. This was childish, she knew.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Its just... what we decided... it was for the best,
right?"

Chakotay recognised the uncertainty and his heart jumped in his chest.
"That was a very long time ago, Kathryn. Much has changed."

She raised her eyebrows; she wished she could give in to him, she
really did. She looked at the man before her. Even seated he had a
certain grace and strength about him that were unmistakeable. But the
decision had been made for some good reasons, and not that much had
changed.

Chakotay's head was bowed, his lips pursed as he concentrated on his
hands. he did not allow himself too much hope. They had come to his
point many times in the past few years, and the outcome had invariably
been the same. From her silence Chakotay recognised the issue was,
once again, closed, and he faithfully returned his attention to the
reports.

"Neelix to the Captain." Both of the senior officers jumped at the
hail.

"Janeway here. What can I do for you, Mr Neelix?"

"Ah Captain, you asked me to contact you when I'd finalised the plans
for the Christmas party."

Christmas party??? Kathryn mouthed the words to Chakotay, a puzzled
look on her face. Chakotay nodded. She really had to pay more
attention to her conversations with her enthusiastic morale officer.

"Well I'm in my Ready Room right now, Neelix, if you'd like to bring
them up?"

"On my way, Captain."

Janeway tapped her com-badge and closed the channel. "Did I miss that
one?" A rhetorical question. Chakotay just laughed, she continued. "So
when is this 'party'?

"Tomorrow, I believe. 1900 in the mess-hall, followed by 'something
special' on the holodeck.

"This I have to see!" Chakotay continued to watch her as she went back
to her reports. She still wasn't happy, but pressing her now would do
no good. He could tell when she preferred to keep to herself. The
party  would be good for her, he hoped.

---

Neelix had really outdone himself this year. The meal in the mess-hall
had been wonderful. He had managed to produce something homely for
each of the crew. Chakotay had watched Kathryn from his place opposite
her at their table. She usually shone in situations like this - ever
the diplomat. Tonight she was animated and attentive, but somehow
withdrawn. There was no mistaking that she was very much the Captain
tonight, and that Kathryn was wallowing somewhere inside.

He watched her slender arms and hands, the gestures she made while she
was speaking. He took in her smooth red hair and wanted to touch it.
He looked at her smile, it did not quite reach her eyes, and he felt
haunted by the need to do something for her, to make everything
alright, but he could barely get near her. He knew he was staring but
he didn't care. Maybe it was the wine, but he felt his gut churning
as all the old feelings came rushing back, and he was defenceless
before them. The noise of the party would die away, and there would be
just her there, all he could see, luminous in the dusky room.

She was glad to be out socialising with her crew, but Kathryn felt
somehow separate from them tonight. She spoke to people, listened to
what they said, but felt as if she were watching from a distance.
Every few minutes her gaze would catch that of Chakotay. At first he
would quickly look away, pretend that he hadn't been looking at her,
but as the night wore on and the wine flowed, their looks became
longer and more frequent until all she could think about was him. The
atmosphere and the wine was wearing down her resolve. The dark shine
in his eyes left her with no illusions as to his thoughts, and she
tingled all over every time they rested on her.

After the meal, the party migrated to holodeck one. Kathryn was
escorted by a festive Harry Kim, full of the joys of the season. She
tried to join in with his excited chatter, but she was acutely aware
of Chakotay's eyes on her from behind, where he walked with B'Elanna.
When they arrived Paris was running Sandrine's.

Kathryn stopped just inside the door, warmed by what she saw; he had
done some reprogramming since the last time they were there. A huge
Christmas tree dominated one corner, bedecked in shiny reds, greens
and  golds. Garlands of coloured paper adorned every wall, and
innumerable candles bathed the bar in soft, flickering light.
Everybody smiled at Tom's blatant sentimentalism, and quickly moved in
to occupy the empty tables and chairs, to share a drink and soak up
the Christmas cheer.

Kathryn couldn't prevent a huge grin from breaking out on her face as
she took in the atmosphere. It was so like home. Chakotay watched her
from the bar. She looked wonderful. She was wearing a simple black
dress with long sleeves; it clung to her upper body then fell loosely
from her hips to brush the floor. He sucked in a breath as thoughts
came unbidden to his mind, causing a tightening in his stomach. She
was still standing by the doors gazing at the room when he came up to
her and handed her a glass of red wine.

"Merry Christmas, Kathryn." he said, raising his glass to hers.

"Yes. Merry Christmas, Chakotay."

They clinked glasses, and Chakotay leaned towards her and his lips
brushed her cheek lightly, A Christmas kiss. Kathryn shivered,
suddenly aware of the dress tight across her chest as her body reacted
to his proximity.

"I, er, I...I'd better go talk to some people."

"OK. See you later." Chakotay nodded, and headed for B'Elanna and
Paris, joining their group.

Kathryn looked after him as he went. He was dressed simply, in a cream
-coloured shirt and black trousers. God he was the epitome of
masculinity! She felt her eyes narrow as she watched him, before she
checked herself. She still felt the same uncertainty about her
relationship with Chakotay, even after all this time. She had thought
about it before New Earth, naturally - he was a very attractive man -
but their time there had lent a credence to the idea of that
relationship for which she had been ill-prepared. She had dealt with
it at the time by ignoring it. Perhaps not the best course of action,
but certainly the easiest. And this had worked for a time, for a far
longer time than she'd expected in fact.

She'd known that his feelings for her had continued, but he never
brought it up. Far from making it easier to forget things, it only
endeared him to her more. He really cared, and that was so important.
She hadn't fully realised the strength of his feelings until her
experience with the alien entity, who had infested her brain and
attempted to lure her into his matrix. Even then, she had been so
distracted with the whole experience that it was only later, when she
had been forced to dwell upon it during long, sleepless nights,
that she saw the situation for what it was.

Chakotay loved her. She remembered him crouching over her limp body on
the stormy planet, screaming at her, to breathe dammit! In a moment of
clarity, she recalled a tear falling onto her face as Chakotay,
distraught, fought to bring her back.

Such were her thoughts as she meandered from group to group, chatting
with her crew. They all meant so much to her, but she couldn't
continue tonight. They'd probably have a better time if she left
anyhow, she knew she cramped their style, she thought, smiling to
herself. She sauntered casually to the bar, and, picking up a fresh
bottle of wine - the real stuff that Neelix had brought along - she
made her way out unnoticed. Unnoticed by all but one.

Kathryn wandered along the deserted corridors of Voyager, heading
towards the Bridge. She would just check that everything was going
alright up there, with the computer temporarily in charge. The Bridge
was dark and very quiet. She peered at the screens, made a minor
course correction, then proceeded into her Ready Room.

Replicating a corkscrew and dimming the lights, she opened her bottle
of wine, poured a glass and sat down on the couch. Kicking off her
shoes she put her feet up and stretched out. She finished off two
glasses of wine just watching the stars streak past the viewport,
whisking them home slowly but surely.

For the millionth time Kathryn began to wonder what their homecoming
would be like. What would be the first Federation ship they came into
contact with? Who would meet them when they actually got to Earth? How
old would she be? What would it be like to leave Voyager after calling
the ship home for so long? Would she be making a new home with
Chakotay??

The doorchimes startled her out of her reverie. "Come in, Chakotay."
The door swished open and an amused Chakotay entered.

"How'd you know it was me?"

"Call it woman's intuition. Would you care for a glass of -oh my!" She
registered that there was barely one glass left in the bottle.

"It's OK," Chakotay grinned, "I though you may have done some damage
to that one by now." He held up a full bottle.

"Good work, Commander," she chuckled from her reclining position on
the couch, "You always were resourceful."

"So." Chakotay poured wine. "Enjoy the party? I missed you when you
left."

Taking a long drink of the wine to dull the rising excitement at his
words, as Chakotay looked on in amusement, she answered, "I'm sorry I
left you there alone, but I just needed some time to myself."

"No need to apologise. I just wondered if anything was wrong." She
didn't answer. "You've been distracted for a while now. A long while
actually." Chakotay moved towards the couch. She moved her legs so he
could sit, then settled them over him. Pleasantly surprised, he raised
his glass to her, for the second time that evening.

"A toast?" he questioned.

"She thought for a moment. "To the journey."

Chakotay echoed her toast quietly, wondering exactly what she meant,
sensing that she wanted to talk, and that this was her chosen opening.
Kathryn watched him resting his glass on her knees, staring into his
wine. he was waiting for her to talk, she knew; this made her smile.

"Just when did you get to know me so well?"

He just grinned without looking at her.

"You know," she began, "we don't do this nearly often enough."

"What? Get drunk together?"

"Yes. I mean - no. I mean... you know!"

"Yes. I do."

"Yes," she said quietly, "I think you do."

Chakotay looked up at her but said nothing.

"Do you ever get mad at me, Chakotay?" she asked suddenly.

"Mad at you?" He started to deny it, then changed his mind.
"Sometimes."

"Why?"

He pulled a face, and took a gulp of his wine. "Well. Sometimes you
just don't know when to quit."

Kathryn sighed. "Same old story, huh?" Chakotay just nodded. "On New
Earth," she said suddenly, "you really didn't like the way I clung to
the research did you?"

"Hmm." A pause. "But I really hurt for you after the storm. I remember
holding you under the table as you cried, watching all the equipment
being broken. I know how difficult that was for you."

"You really helped me, you know that?"

"Really? I tried to be there for you, but I could never really tell if
I helped any."

"You did." She reached out a hand, and he took it. She wanted him to
take more, but he wouldn't unless she offered, and she didn't know if
she was ready. Was now the time? Her head fell back against the couch.
"I feel fuzzy."

"Fuzzy?!" He almost snorted, laughing.

"Yes, you know. That lovely, fuzzy, warm feeling after a few glasses
of real wine?"

"U-huh. What did you mean with your toast - 'to the journey'?" He
shifted up the couch, closer to her, so that her thighs now rested on
his, their hands still entwined. Her thighs were ultra sensitive to
their contact with his.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking. For so long now I've been so
exclusively focused on getting home. Oh I don't mean that I'm not any
more, but, I've had a bit of a, shall we say, change of perspective."

"I'm listening."

She paused, focusing on the feel of Chakotay's hand, now gently
stroking hers. She shivered. "You remember the incident with the alien
and his 'after-life' matrix?"

"And talent-night?" he laughed softly.

"Yes! I watched you-" she suddenly looked far away,

"-watched you trying to resuscitate me."

Chakotay closed his eyes, the memory still painful. "It was awful,
Kathryn."

"I know. I didn't want to leave."

"I watched the Doctor trying to bring you back." He raised her hand to
his mouth, resting it there and speaking quietly against it. "I
couldn't believe it... my beautiful, brave, wise warrior..." He
stopped as a smile broke out on her face, her eyes glassy as she
recognised the allusion. "And then when you were injured on the Borg
cube. I was angry and frustrated, but most of all I was frightened. I
couldn't believe I was facing losing you again." There, it was all
said. When she didn't answer, Chakotay feared he'd said too much too
soon. She soon spoke up, however.

"That was an awful time. The idea of an alliance with the Borg
terrified me too, but I had to put that aside." She spoke in earnest.
"But when we started falling apart, I was even more afraid, and I
couldn't just shove that feeling aside." He kissed her fingers and she
shivered. her eyelids were growing heavy; she didn't know whether it
was the wine or Chakotay. Perhaps she should just spit it out. A deep
breath.

"Remember our conversation yesterday morning?" She flexed her fingers
against his lips, felt his breath on them; a dull throbbing was
beginning deep inside her, and she pressed her thighs together and
inhaled deeply - that was not what this was about she told herself.
Chakotay, alert to her as ever, recognised her movements and his eyes
dilated in response. His hands began to stroke her thighs through the
soft material of the long black dress.

"Yes." His answer seemed disjointed, and she fought to focus on the
thread she had begun.

"After the real message from Starfleet, I began to realise that we
were truly alone out here. I mean, we've all changed so much.
Yesterday morning-" she paused, "-when you said that we'd all got
through it, that we were all fine. Chakotay-" her voice threatened to
break, "-just when did being stranded almost 60,000 light years from
home become 'being fine'?" Tears were in her eyes, and she fought down
the lump in her throat. "And then I felt my own loneliness so deeply.
Then I felt selfish for dwelling on my own feelings."

She drew in a deep breath as Chakotay's hands travelled up and down
her thighs, getting steadily closer to the flutterings beginning in
her abdomen. She closed her eyes briefly, yes, now was the time. "But
you recognised this a long time ago, didn't you? You knew that
everything was different and you were able to accept it, but I refused
to see it."

"You were never alone Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was gruff as he
leaned towards her and gently kissed her. His hands were slowly
gathering up her hemline. When his hot hands finally made contact with
the cool bare skin she jumped.

"I'd follow you to the ends of the universe and back if you'd just say
the word." His lips covered hers in a deep, slow kiss, and she
tentatively parted her lips to taste him. Her mind was alive with
thoughts and sensations.

They'd discussed this, it couldn't work, they were asking for trouble.
But as his hands came up to hold her face, and she felt his tongue
creep out and graze her lips and teeth, she wondered at the sensations
sweeping through her. How could this be wrong? She felt safe, she felt
alive, and she became aware of an overwhelming urge to give herself to
this man. She was his, and she was incomplete without him.

"Chakotay!" she whispered breathlessly.

"Hmm?" His lips had left hers now, and were brushing her ear, her
neck, the shoulder he had bared.

"Chakotay I'm yours. And I want you...so much!" The last words were
almost a plea, something more than sexual. He kissed his way back up
to her mouth, and paused to look into her eyes.

"Love?" He asked so quietly, as if afraid of the answer. Kathryn
nodded, teary eyed.

"The right word??"

Chakotay laughed hoarsely and kissed her forehead. He couldn't contain
the grin that spread across his features."Perhaps we should go, um,
somewhere else." He stood, taking her hands and pulling her to her
feet. Encircling her with his strong arms he waited for an answer.

"Chakotay my feelings for you will never change, but my feelings about
how this can work are still uncertain."

"We'll make it work Kathryn. We'll take it slowly and we'll make it
work." A long pause. "OK?"

"Yes."

---

Outside her quarters Kathryn turned to her First Officer. "Thank you
for walking with me. I feel I should ask you in, but I've used up all
this week's replicator rations already." She giggled.

"That's OK," Chakotay took her hands in his and kissed them, "we can
do coffee another time, there's no rush."

Kathryn nodded.

"Nice and slow."

He bent over her, and she steeled herself for the onslaught of
sensations she had experienced earlier, but instead found herself
pecked chastely on the cheek.

"Goodnight Kathryn."

"Goodnight Chakotay."

She backed into her quarters and the doors swished shut and he was
gone.

---

Standing before the bathroom mirror in her nightdress brushing her
hair, Kathryn pondered over the events of the evening. For the first
time in so long she felt warm and content. She smiled at herself in
the mirror. 'To the journey', she thought, which had suddenly become
both less and more to her.

---

The End