The BLTS Archive - Untitled by Dr. Jekyl (doc_jekyl@hotmail.com) --- Written: Feb 2000 --- Oh hell. I can't believe I just... I should never... but it was an *accident*... I didn't mean to... oh hell. I just kissed Seven of Nine. Or, more accurately, she just kissed me... obviously meant to be a platonic kiss, a customary good-night peck on the cheek or such... but I turned my head at precisely the wrong moment... or was that precisely the right moment? I'm not sure. At any rate the net result was the same. I just kissed Seven of Nine. It was a nice kiss. Actually, that's a lie. It was a great kiss, a wonderful kiss... I've never felt anything like it. Electric. It seemed to go on for an eternity... I'm not sure exactly who was more surprised at first - her or me - though my own initial shock was rapidly overcome... the world compressed in upon itself to contain nothing save her, I and that perfect moment in time... my eyes slid closed and my hands seemed to develop a mind of their own, pulling her closer to me, holding her head to mine... Perhaps the most amazing thing about the entire incident, to my mind at least, was that once over the initial surprise, she began to kiss me back, rather than pulling away as have often I feared. Amazing. And for someone more or less raised by the Borg, Seven certainly knows how to kiss... I can still taste her... her lips, her tongue, still feel her hands about my neck and shoulders, the pressure of her lips against mine, the smooth contours of her body, her silken hair... I broke it off in the end, which quite possibly the only sensible thing I've done all evening. My moral and ethical subroutines apparently over-rode whatever else it was that was driving me on, much to my chagrin. My hands fell, lifeless, to my sides and I pulled away from her slightly, held captive by her eyes. She stared back at me, confused... I wanted to erase that confusion, to take her back into my arms, to kiss her, to hold her and to never let her go... I don't think I've ever wanted anything more, wanted anything as much as I wanted that, then... but it was wrong. She's my student, my pupil, colleague and friend... and I have no right to press my attentions on her, to satisfy my own desires in the heat of the moment. She's still a child in so many respects, innocent, vulnerable, trusting... I don't really know how much she understands of the concept of love, aside from the physical aspect of course... I don't even know if she's ready for the kind of relationship I'd ideally like to have with her. So instead I stood there, like an idiot, torn between two conflicting desires - to have her and to protect her. Stood there, staring into her face, seeing her eyes wide and pupils dilated, lips moist and slightly parted, questioning me even as I questioned myself... I stammered out a brief apology and fled the holodeck. Depending on your perspective, it was either the most cowardly or most heroic act of my existence. Crossing the threshold into Sickbay, the realization suddenly hit me. I had just kissed Seven of Nine. And not just a platonic kiss, a seemingly innocent vehicle to fulfill my hidden desires to some meager extent... in fact, it was just about as un-platonic as you can get... teasing, tantalizing, the kind of thing one might fantasize about... I can still feel it... ...and I'm going to have to work with her tomorrow... and the day after... and the day after... and every time I see her I'm going to remember that kiss... the way she felt beneath my lips and fingertips, the way she... oh god. Maybe I can... no, that wouldn't work. The Captain and B'Elanna would want an explanation of some sort, and this is something I'd really prefer no-one else knew about... and *she* would still remember, even if I didn't. I rub my temples. What on earth am I going to do now? My relationship with Seven is never going to be the same again. What if she doesn't want to work with me any more? What if she finds it uncomfortable to be around me? Or what if I have another lapse of control? Or what if somebody finds out? What if I hurt her? What if... The Sickbay doors open suddenly. Please don't let it be a patient... no, no, on second thought, oh god, please don't let it be Tom Paris. He'd immediately realize something's wrong and I don't know whether I could bear his smirking and unsubtle questioning right now. I look up... and immediately wish I hadn't. My mouth goes dry, or at least, does a very credible simulation of dryness, and I freeze, an unpleasant churning sensation in the approximate place my stomach would be. If I'd had a heart, chances are it would be pounding right now. Maybe this is a nightmare... maybe B'Elanna re-installed those cognitive subroutines, those day-dream subroutines, with a twist as payment for some obscure and unknowing insult I'd done her recently... she's prone to doing things like that... "Doctor" I stand and turn around, attempting to regain at least some small measure of my composure. "Seven... I... What a pleasant surprise." I even manage to force a tight smile. "What can I do for you?" "Doctor..." A pause. "Doctor, do you find me attractive." Oh hell. Fumbling, I try to stall with a generalization. "Seven... Seven, there isn't a man on the ship who wouldn't find you attractive, in a purely physiological sense." "You are evading the question." Damn. That's usually worked in the past... "Seven, I..." "Do *you* find me attractive." Her eyes bore into mine, pinning me to the question. I can't avoid it, can't escape. The sensations I experienced just moments earlier return fourfold... eightfold. And the words are there, on the tip of my tongue, burning to be said; 'Of course I find you attractive! I love you!' The words actually that come out, however, are quite different. "Yes. Very." I look away, unable to meet her eyes. Guilt, fear, longing and a thousand and one other emotions well up inside of me. It suddenly seems very hard to breathe... this is ludicrous! I don't need to breathe! I'm a hologram! I should be able to distance myself from this sort of thing, remain detached, dispassionate, unaffected... it's almost as if her proximity is shorting out my processors, making me incapable of rational thought. After what seems like an eternity, she speaks again. "If you find me attractive, why do you hesitate to initiate more intimate relations with me?" "Seven... I... I..." As Mr. Paris would say, I certainly never saw that one coming "It would have been wrong. Seven, you're my student, my colleague, my... friend." She affords at me curious look. "As my mentor, you would be the logical choice to further my education in the matter. You are capable...?" "Um.. well, it's not exactly common knowledge, but yes, I am... capable." "And you derive pleasure from the activity?" "Well, yes, but..." "I wish to experience it." Oh hell. I swallow. Hard. Did she just... ? She did... I can't... For a moment, I'm horribly, horribly tempted. Images flit across my mind, things that we could do, idle fantasies suddenly coming to life... She continues on, blithely unaware of my turmoil. "I have observed that many of the crew indulge in copulation for purely recreational purposes. You will instruct me." I stare almost slack-jawed at her, helplessly. This is too good to be true... How could I refuse? It'd be just like another one of our social lessons... a practical application of knowledge that she already has... we've done that sort of thing before... though admittedly they were less intimate experimentations... and yet... I'm not a fool to mistake curiosity for love. Seven obviously has the healthy sexual appetite a woman of her age should exhibit... and in a way I am the logical choice for her first sexual encounter, as her friend and teacher and guide in the trials and pitfalls of inter-personal relationships as well as being pretty good looking to boot... but I think I value that friendship too much to risk losing it, to risk losing her completely due to an unforeseen complication in our sexual relationship - you only need look among the crew for examples of relationships of that nature which, after some minor incident, leave two former friends unable to stand the sight of each other. Damn. How can I explain that to her when I can't really explain it to myself... these feeling and desires that I was never meant to have but do... that I love her, want her and yet, despite her consent, nigh, *demand*, I can't have her *because* I love her and want her. It doesn't make sense even to me, so how could I possibly ever explain it to her? I sigh and adopt what is hopefully a calmer tone. "Seven... it doesn't exactly work like that. I have the greatest affection for you..." Well, at least that's true. "...and I'm extremely flattered." More than you'll ever know. What am I saying! " What you've offered me tonight is something incredible, something special, and in any other circumstance... What I'm trying to say is that I think you should save it for somebody you love, and who loves you back." I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe... I can't... I've just turned down the very thing I've wanted for so long, craved, spent long hours dreaming of... and all because of some moral dilemma!? Captain Janeway would be proud. Whatever happened to being deliciously self-centered? Out for my own enjoyment and blissfully unaware of the moralistic constraints held upon other beings, constraints that I eventually came to adopt? I might not have been quite aware of as many things as I am and perhaps I might not have experienced such a depth of emotion, but I might have been happier. There must have been some sort of trade-off that took place that I wasn't aware of, wasn't informed of. Nobody told me about the down-side to love... I had to find that all out for myself, the hard way. So instead now, I stand in my office, supposedly the Federation's most sophisticated holographic program, reduced to an emotional mess, staring into the eyes of the most beautiful, intelligent, priceless being ever to have been created, seeing the comprehension of what I've just said dawn there... "I understand." Her voice is barely audible. "Thank you, Doctor." I watch as she exits Sickbay, leaving me alone with only the memory of the hurt and confusion in her eyes to tell me that I've done the right thing. I sink back into my chair and bury my head in my hands with a groan, cursing myself for a fool or worse. You know, it's occurred to me that for such an intelligent and sophisticated being, I can be incredibly, incredibly stupid. --- The End