The BLTS Archive - A Captain's Gift by Jaeti (jaeti@aol.com) --- This one may not really belong here - it's a lot milder than what I've been reading lately. However, ostensibly this will prevent it from the hands of minors, so..... An odd premise, so please suspend disbelief -- or decide not to read it. Thanks to Michelle for looking over the original idea -- and suspending disbelief long enough to want to know how it ends. Paramount owns everything about these characters except what I choose to do with them. --- "Well, people. I think that's it for today. Is there any other business?" Kathryn Janeway looked around the table at her senior officers. Their daily meeting had gone smoothly -- no real business to discuss, but it was good to touch base with the officers often ... especially with the fact that Voyager was all alone in this area of space. Janeway counted on these daily meetings to help her solve problems before they began. For example, she had been watching Harry Kim for the last few days. The Ensign was performing his duties with his usual efficiency, but without the enthusiasm that she had come to expect from him. And at their daily briefings, he had not been volunteering information - or interjecting comments. She was resolved to give him another day or two before inquiring into his state of mind. He was, after all, entitled to a few off days without worrying about explaining himself to her. As she was gathering her things, the object of her thoughts moved up to stand beside her. "Um, Captain?" he was clearly uncomfortable. "Yes, Ensign?" "Captain, I was wondering if I could have a few moments of your time?" Janeway smiled. "Of course, Harry. Shall we sit down?" Harry took the chair beside her - obviously ill-at-ease. "Captain, I .... this is not ship's business. It's personal." Janeway looked at the troubled ensign and felt a rush of affection. He was so young to have his whole life turned upside down, and yet that is what had happened to Ensign Harry Kim on his first Star Fleet mission. The wonder of it was not that he was having personal problems, but that he had been able to function so well for so long. She put a hand gently on his shoulder and he looked into her face. "Harry, I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to come and see me -- even with a personal problem. We have no counselor on board, and being as far away from home as we are, I am discovering that many of the so-called protocols that dictate the proper code of conduct for a captain and her crew just don't apply. So please, let me help you. Tell me what's wrong." Harry let out his breath in a sigh and then began. "Let me start by giving you some background. You know that I come from a very close family." Janeway nodded remembering a conversation with his mother before they had left on this mission. "What you don't know is that my mother was of the Monogamist sect, and my father followed the All." Janeway couldn't hide her surprise. "However did they get along? As I understand those two sects, they have opposing views on almost everything -- from the origin of life to its purpose and everything in between!" Harry smiled, remembering. "Well, it did make for some lively dinner-table conversations. But seriously, while neither of my folks were dogmatic in their beliefs, their upbringing impacted on mine. You may not be aware that the two sects are actually very similar in their beliefs about some things -- one being the role of sex." "Now you've lost me, Ensign. Doesn't a Monogamist believe that sex should be shared between two people only in the context of a committed relationship and those of the All believe that sex should be shared with as many people as one would like?" Harry smiled. "Well, that synthesizes the two positions in their textbook form, and I won't bore you with the theology of my parents' sects. But both groups believe that, when you have a sexual relationship with someone, you are sharing more than the pleasures of the moment -- you are sharing a part of yourself. Where they differ is that Monogamists believe that gift is too precious to share with more than one person, while the Followers believe that the gift is too precious to limit to one person but should be shared with all others with whom one holds a bond of respect and caring. They believe that each person we love expands and creates us." Janeway nodded. "I can see where your parents could find a commonality, but it must not have been easy for them." Harry nodded. "The strongest message I ever got from my parents was that we have to be willing to respect and learn from the teachings of the past, and also to be willing to adapt those teachings when necessary." He looked uncomfortable again. "Which brings me to a rather difficult problem." Harry stood and began to move around the room -- looking everywhere except at Janeway. "One of the things that my parents asked of me was that I would avoid any kind of casual sexual experimentation. While most of my friends were spending adolescence having sex, I was taught to explore relationships with people -- to get to know their hearts before their bodies. I was taught that a person's first sexual experience was sacred -- and set the tone for all relationships to follow. The result has been ..." he cleared his throat, "... the result is that I have yet to have my first sexual experience." By this point, he had moved around so that he faced out the viewscreen and looked at the stars. Janeway stood and moved over behind him, placed a hand on his shoulder and turned him around. "Harry, thank you for your trust. However, I'm not sure why this is a problem ..." Harry interrupted her. "Captain, I'm not finished. And if I have to look at you, I'll never get this out." Harry went back to his pacing. "There has been some talk lately that we are not going to get home as quickly as we want -- and that we are going to have to begin planning for the future. Plans that include - mating I guess is the word - to provide a generation to pilot the ship if we get too old." Janeway nodded to herself - that was something that she knew would have to be considered. After what Kim had told her, she could see that this would pose a problem to him. "Ensign, if it comes to that, I hope you know that no one will force you to do anything that would go against your beliefs ...." Harry spun around and glared at her -- she took a step back at the look in his eyes. "Captain, *please* let me finish. I would have no problem being a part of Voyager's future, even to the point of fathering children. Not only would it be something I owe my crew, but I can accept it from my history -- as an adaptation that is natural and right in the life I have found myself leading. What I do have a problem with is this -- I have waited my whole life for my first lover, and now ... unless you will help me ... it will not be a sacred rite, but rather, with someone who doesn't - who can't know and understand what it should mean to me." Janeway was confused, "Unless I will help you?" He stepped towards her, his eyes frightened, but his face resolute. "Captain, there is no one on this ship with whom I feel the bond of respect and caring that I would want in my first sexual partner. No one, except you." Janeway's eyes widened and she sank into her chair. The silence stretched before them -- long, uncomfortable moments while she struggled for something - anything - to say. Harry waited silently - and almost calmly - the worst part was over for him. He knew that Janeway could never really consider being his first lover, and yet he had known deep inside himself that it would have been a betrayal of all he believed not to ask her - and always wonder if she would have assented. For her part, Janeway realized that it had taken immeasurable courage for the young ensign to approach her and to trust her with these intimate thoughts. She was lost, however, for a way to respond. On the one hand, it was obvious that her answer had to be "no" -- the protocols for dealing with the crew surely wouldn't bend that far. But she also knew how very much Harry Kim had lost when she destroyed the Caretaker and their most viable way home. He had lost the chance for a great career, all contact with the family he loved so much, and the chance to develop normal, loving relationships without considering the need to propagate for the good of his crewmates. And now he had come to her to ask her for something to make up for some of those losses -- how could she possibly find the words to explain why it was impossible for her to be his lover ... even for one night? Finally, Janeway said softly, "Ensign, I have to be honest with you. I need some time to deal with this -- to sort out my thoughts. Let's meet at 1500 hours in my ready room; I'll have an answer for you then." Janeway felt even worse when she saw the slight flicker of hope in his eyes. Harry stood and regarded her for a moment before saying, "Until 1500 then, and Captain ... thanks for ...you know." She gave him a small smile and a nod -- waiting until the door had closed behind him before burying her head in her hands. --- Janeway spent the next few hours in a haze -- whether signing reports, meeting with the Engineering staff over the latest power problems, discussing food with Neelix -- her every action was overlaid with thoughts of Harry Kim. Their discussion this morning had touched something very basic in her, and she was unable to put it to the back of her mind and deal with the every-day concerns of commanding a starship. Finally giving up, she leaned back from her computer with a sigh. 1500 hours was approaching, and she still had no idea what she was going to say to Harry. She needed counsel, but there was no one she could turn to with this question. Finally, her eyes lighted on the totem bag that Chakotay had given her soon after he had helped her contact her Animal guide. If the answers to her questions were to be found only within herself, than perhaps the guide would be the answer. Putting a privacy code on her ready room door, Janeway closed her eyes and prepared to enter the meditative state that she had learned from Chakotay. Kathryn's spiritual life had always been a bit eclectic -- she had taken traditions and beliefs from many cultures; holding on to those which felt right and discarding those which didn't. Her animal guide was one of those that felt right. It couldn't even be said that the Guide spoke to her. Rather, she would enter a state of consciousness where the images she saw could guide her in the right direction. It was said in ancient tribal mythology that the animal guide represented that which was fundamental in the Seeker. If so, her fundamental self was Fire. Somehow, that fit. Shrugging off her philosophical musings as yet another way to avoid the uncomfortable decision awaiting her, Janeway emptied her mind of conscious thought and mentally built her Vision Space -- allowing the thunder of the waves against the rocks to soothe her until ... he came. She posed the question, and waited. It began slowly, with memories of Harry Kim. His arrival on board ... "At ease, Mr. Kim, before you sprain something" ... to his invitation to Sandrine's ... "If you'd like to join us, you'd be welcome ..." to his discovery of the wormhole that, in the end, brought more questions than answers ... and most of all, to the time when she thought he had died -- without ever having the time to live. Then, the memories shifted and became her own past lovers. Not many, but each a vital part of who she was today .... from her first ..... so gentle with her inexperience .... to the one who taught her the potent mix of fire and laughter ....to the one who brought her back to life after someone died under her command .....to Mark who had tried so hard to understand all the facets of her .... to Harry Kim? And the questions were returned to her <> And Kathryn, in this deepest space where protocol had no life, nodded her assent. When Harry arrived, prompt as always, at 1500 hours, he was prepared for a kind but firm refusal from his Captain. Instead, Janeway came from behind her desk and gestured for him to take a seat on the small sofa. "I was just about to have some coffee -- will you join me? My treat." "Um ... sure, I'll have a cup." And Harry sat - ramrod straight - on the chair. When Janeway returned, she couldn't help a small grin -- he really was adorable. "Harry, relax. I'm not going to bite..." (and then the Devil inside) "... well, at least not yet." Harry, who had just taken a sip from the cup in his hand, began to cough -- almost spilling the rest on his uniform. He shook his head when she moved to help -- coughing and swallowing until he could talk. "Captain, does this mean ..." Janeway held up a finger to silence him, then moved to sit beside him. "Harry, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what you have asked of me. I wish that the situation were different, but it's not. As your Captain, I cannot enter into a relationship of such intimacy with you. It would change the whole dynamic of how we relate to each other -- and I cannot risk damaging that relationship." Harry clenched a fist - started to say something, but was stopped by Janeway's hand on his arm. "This time, Harry, you need to hear me out before saying anything. As your Captain, I am duty-bound to deny your request." Then her tone softened, "But as Kathryn Janeway, I am honor-bound to accept." His eyes filled suddenly as he looked at her -- his face radiant. "As I understand the role of "first lover" in the rites you mentioned, we will share one night and no more. If you truly believe that I am the one you should choose for this honor, then I am warmed by your regard. But Harry ..." and here she became as serious as he had ever seen her, "... I urge you to look into your heart carefully. Except for the night in question, we will not be lovers in any sense of the word. I have found a way to reconcile both of those roles -- can you?" And Harry, just as serious, took her hand in his and said, "As I honor you as my Captain, I vow that the night we share will not impair my ability to continue to work as a member of your crew. If anything, the fact that you would take this risk for me -- for my peace of mind -- will bind me more fully to you." She searched his face and found only conviction. And so, decision made, she nodded her acceptance. --- They agreed to meet in the holodeck that night. Janeway knew that she did not want too much time to dwell on this decision and all of its possible ramifications. Besides, she had already reserved the holodeck for the evening -- having planned to spend some time in her latest holo-novel. So, as planned, Harry arrived at Holodeck 2 at 1900 hours. He knew Janeway was inside, as the holoprogram was running. He had left the choice of parameters to her ... he felt that was the least he could do. Before entering, he checked his clothes once more (they had agreed that it would be best to dispense with uniforms), and took a freshly-replicated coral rose out of the satchel he carried. He hadn't wanted to carry it openly -- he passed too many people from his quarters to this deck. He supposed that bringing a flower was a corny gesture, but he decided that perhaps Janeway would appreciate the sentiment. Kathryn waited inside the holodeck for Harry to arrive. She had debated over choice of location for their tryst -- finally settling on the "tried and true". She stood in a small drawing room with soft, comfortable chairs and a sofa and large throw pillows on the floor before a crackling fire. The large plate-glass window on one end of the room looked out on a fairy-tale perfect winter evening; snowflakes drifted lazily from the sky, and ice-laden branches made musical sounds as they danced in the light wind. The setting might be a bit trite, but she thought that Harry might appreciate the classic romantic scene. As she listened to the sounds of the fire and the wind, she brought out her own contribution to the night -- a small bottle of Tzartakian brandy. She doubted that Harry had experienced it before, and hoped that it would make things go smoothly tonight. Kathryn was a little nervous. She had never been with an inexperienced lover before - and Harry had waited so long for this night .... she just hoped that it wouldn't be a disappointment. Just then, the arch appeared and Harry walked into the room carrying a flower. Kathryn went over and took it slowly from his hands, bringing it up to inhale the fragrance. Then she looked at Harry and smiled -- he looked absolutely petrified. She was suddenly very glad of the brandy. "Computer, deny all access to the holodeck, authorization Janeway." She moved towards the seating area and placed the rose carefully on the table. "Rank does have some privileges Harry - at least we won't be disturbed. Come, sit down. I have something for you, too." Harry walked over and sat down on the sofa. "Captain ...." he began, but she stopped him. "I think we'd better dispense with rank for the night, Harry. Otherwise, things could get mighty awkward." "Thank you ... um .... Kathryn," he said, and held up his hand for the brandy she had poured. "What's this?" "It's Tzartakian brandy," she replied. "It hasn't been available in this form for long. It's the primary ingredient in an aperitif that is precisely calibrated to just below a person's body temperature. When made correctly, the flavor of the aperitif comes only from the fumes - it's quite an experience. In this state, it is stable. However, the liquor combines with a person's body chemistry so it tastes different to each person. Try it - I'm interested in how you like it." Harry brought the glass to his lips and took a small sip. The taste of the liquor spread over his tongue like velvet. "It's wonderful -- wherever did you get it?" "I have a friend who's a bartender on Risa -- he got it for me. It's actually - not quite - legal." And she looked at him over her glass with an impish look in her eyes. Harry took another taste and smiled back at her -- relaxing despite himself. "What I was going to say earlier is that you look very nice tonight -- and the setting is perfect. Thank you." Kathryn moved over and sat beside him. "I'm glad you approve; somehow I thought this would appeal to the romantic side of your nature." She took a sip from her own glass and closed her eyes to completely savor the taste. Harry looked at her -- she had chosen to wear a loose-fitting jumpsuit that was the exact color of her eyes. Her hair was up in a softer way than usual, and a couple of tendrils escaped to frame her face. Hesitantly, he reached up and wound one around his finger. She opened her eyes to see him so close - and was surprised by a thrill of desire. Until this exact moment, she had honestly not considered that this experience could be erotic for her as well as for him. But now, watching him swallow his nervousness and his eyes beginning to look at her with desire, she knew that the gift of this night would go both ways. It had been a long time since she had submerged the captain in favor of the woman. "Harry," she said softly, "What does your drink taste like?" Catching her meaning, he took a sip from his glass, then set it down on the table. As the flavor filled his mouth, he leaned over and kissed her -- letting the flavor envelope her as well. She then did the same for him, and he tasted the spiciness of the brandy from her mouth. "Now," he said, "Shall we see what flavor we can create together?" They emptied their glasses and moved together, joining the liquor in their mouths. Taste sensations merged with the sensations of mouths moving together, tongues joining and retreating, arms pulling bodies closer. When they finally separated, Kathryn was surprised to find herself firmly in Harry's arms - across his lap. His hands were stroking her shoulders and her face -- moving to the pins that held her hair. "Thank you for wearing your hair up," he said as he began to remove pin after another. "I'd wondered what it would be like to take it down." He spread her hair over their bodies - like a cape - and looked down at her. Kathryn's face was flushed, her eyes were bright, and her mouth was soft from his kisses. "Gods, you are so beautiful," he murmured and kissed her softly. Then against her lips he said, "Teach me to please you," before capturing her mouth again. Kathryn was awash in sensation. The brandy had done its work of releasing their inhibitions, and his kisses had been deep and satisfying. As his hands began to move over her, she directed him with soft sounds and caresses to those places which pleased her most. Hesitantly at first and then with more confidence, Harry unfastened the top of her jumpsuit and slipped a hand beneath. When the hand closed over her breast, Kathryn moaned in response. He caressed her under her clothes -- his touch becoming stronger as she pressed herself more fully into his hands. His mouth moved across her face and down her neck. Kathryn, for her part, ran her hands through his hair - marveling at it's silkiness as it slipped through her fingers. Her hands ran down Harry's chest, and to the waistband of his pants -- trying to gain the same access to his body that he had to hers. Finally, she moved away from him a little and said, "I think we have too many clothes on -- don't you?" Dimming the lights, she moved to the fireplace and beckoned him closer. Before he could get nervous again, she pulled his mouth down to hers and pulled her full length against him. After a few minutes of deeply passionate kisses, she stepped away and began working his shirt out of his pants. The fastenings were not easy to deal with and he finally held her hands still. "Funny, it looks so easy in a holo-vid." She laughed softly. "I've found that lovemaking is rarely as graceful as it is portrayed on the screen. Unless, that is, you come prepared." When he looked puzzled, she stepped away from him, unfastened her jumpsuit at the shoulders, and it fell in a puddle of silk at her feet. Harry stared at her - taking in the beauty of the body in front of him. She posed for a moment, but then blushed as his regard did not waver. "No fair, Mr. Kim, one of us is terribly overdressed." He fumbled with the fastening of his clothes, never taking his eyes off of her. The light from the fire played across her body - and, finally across his. Then they came together, falling to the pile of cushions in a tangle of arms and legs. Harry reveled in the feeling of bare skin against bare skin, the softness of her, the scent of her. Kathryn, ran her hands over him - delighting in the play of muscles under her hands. For several long moments, she forgot that Harry had never done this before. He learned quickly - gauging her sighs and adjusting his caresses. He followed his hands with his lips - and his mouth moved down and began to suck at her breasts -- alternating one with the other. Just as he would have moved lower, she turned them both over in a quick motion -- now he was subject to her will. Her hands followed the same trails on him that he had used on her, and Harry learned that his nipples were also sensitive to her mouth. Kathryn's hands were never still -- stroking down his chest and stomach -- scratching lightly with her nails. As his breathing quickened, she moved her hand slowly over his erection - and his eyes flew open. She closed her hand gently over him, and his breath came ragged and loud in the room. His eyes widened and he shook his head -- and she again remembered that this was his first time. With a quick motion, Kathryn threw her leg over him and sat up -- straddling his body. Looking into his eyes, she guided him into her slowly until he was all the way inside. His hands clenched as he realized that he could not control his reactions anymore, and began to move inside her. "I'm ... not going .... to be able to wait," he gasped. Kathryn laid her length along him and whispered, "Then, don't." Harry rolled her over and began moving his hips in a rhythm that did not need to be taught. As he climaxed, he threw his head back and growled low in his throat -- lowering himself completely onto her as his arm muscles gave out. As the tremors subsided, he realized that she was holding his full weight, and he rolled to his side, cradling her in his arms. Only by a force of the sheerest will did Kathryn hold herself still. She wanted to throw herself on top and grind her pelvis into him. But she waited until his breathing slowed and his eyes opened. He looked at her with wonder -- and then smiled shyly. "I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you -- I was doing okay until you touched me." She put two fingers to his mouth to stop the flow of words. "Despite what you may have read, a man doesn't always have to stay in control. It makes me feel good that I could excite you so much." He smiled, and kissed her fingers softly. "However," she said in a mock-stern voice, "You will make a mortal enemy out of me if you don't soon finish what you started." Harry grinned and began to caress her again -- hands and mouth working to bring her the same satisfaction he had felt. Kathryn soon lost herself in the waves of sensation -- his touch was sometimes awkward, but he made up for that by his honest desire to please her. As she rode the crests of her own climax, she clutched the parts of him that she could reach -- gasping his name. When she was still at last, he kissed his way up to her mouth, and she tasted her essence, mingled with the taste of Harry, mingled with the echoes of the brandy they had consumed. He continued kissing her and whispering to her -- telling her all of the things in his heart at this moment. She felt his erection grow again, and he slid inside her -- thrusting more slowly now -- she tightening and loosening her muscles around him. This time, he waited until her tremors started before he quickened his pace and joined her -- spiraling together to that place where time and thought have no meaning. --- A log from the fire dislodged in a shower of sparks -- awakening Kathryn from her light doze in Harry's arms. Gently disengaging herself, she sat up, hugged her knees, and stared into the flames. His hand came up sleepily to tangle in her hair - to bring her back for a long, slow kiss -- not of passion, but something more. "May I ask a favor Kathryn?" Harry said as they cuddled together. She nodded sleepily -- too tired to remind him that it was because of a favor that the night had happened. "It's this. You are a woman who has so much love and passion to give. Be open to someone filling that place in your life -- even here." She turned quickly to look at him - alarmed. "Oh, Goddess no, not me!" he smiled. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but you would swallow me alive! No, I was speaking of finding your own mate -- someone who can meet your strength with strength, your fire with fire." She spoke, staring off into the distance. "I've always kept my distance from my crew. Yet this ship -- these people. This may be the only life, the only chance I'll know. But what a risk it would be .... I don't know Harry. But I will try to be open." And with that, he had to be satisfied. She dressed slowly, then leaned down to hold him tightly - savoring a time that would never come again. He let her go, watching as she pinned up her hair -- put on her Captain face. "I'm going to stay for awhile - and watch the snow." She nodded, too full of feeling to speak. "Kathryn - thank you. I will never forget .... you will never know ...." Harry stopped in frustration with the lack of words. She put a hand softly to his face, then turned and left the holodeck without looking back. --- No one who saw the Captain and Harry Kim together the next day would ever believe that these two had shared a passionate interlude. To the outward eye, nothing had changed between them. Only this .... on the desk in her ready room that morning, Kathryn had found a poem written in long- hand. It would take its place with her most cherished things - part of a memory. For awhile I shall still be leaving Looking back at you as you slip away Into the magic islands of my mind. But for awhile now all alive, believing That in a single poignant hour We did say all that we could ever say In a great flowing out of radiant power ... ...But for a while still, centered at last, Contemplate a brief, amazing union, Then watch you leave and then let you go. I must not go back to the murderous past, Nor force a passage through to some safe landing But float upon this moment of communion Entranced, astonished by pure understanding Passionate love dissolved like summer snow. --- The End Notes to readers: Gentle criticism is always appreciated. Also, the poem at the end is from "A Farewell" by May Sarton. She died this summer and we have lost a Talent.