The BLTS Archive- All the Yesterdays
by Jackee C. (writerjc@jackeescorner.com)

---

Warnings: This started out as an *amnesia* story.

---

"Are you saying I have a closed mind?"  Chakotay asked, incredulous.
He wasn't sure whether to laugh or be offended.  He'd known from the
moment B'Elanna had wanted to talk to him about ‘emotions, you know,
feelings' that something was up. The only question was who were the
participants behind the latest conspiracy to lift ship's morale.

"Not exactly closed," B'Elanna hedged, pretending to work diligently
over her tricorder readings. "But a little ... er, stress relief never
hurt anybody."

"Stress relief?"  Uh, uh. This was a slippery slope. "How exactly
would you suggest I relieve this stress?"

B'Elanna gave up all pretense of work, shot him a very direct gaze.
"Do I have to spell it out for you?"

Chakotay paused. Maybe this wasn't about morale, at least not in the
way he'd thought. There was no humor or teasing in B'Elanna's stare.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to," he met her gaze head on.

B'Elanna turned away to place her tricorder against the root of the
tree that they were stooped beneath. When she turned back toward him,
her eyes had softened. "Listen, Chakotay, I know this is probably none
of my business, but ... it's been a long time, things are different.
I'm worried about you. Have you ever considered moving on?"

"What does that mean, B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked, deadly still. The
softness of his tone was a warning in itself. B'Elanna did not heed
it.

"Remember how it used to be?" she pressed on. "The rumors would fly
every single time you two would even smile at each other, or whisper
across that console. There was a lot more laughter. And remember that
time, years ago when she said she'd know where to --"

"B'Elanna," Chakotay cut in, only wanting her to stop. He didn't want
to be reminded of those times. He didn't want to admit that there
*was* something different.

"You were really happy then, Chakotay. Happier than during any other
time I've known you."

"I'm happy now," he countered. **Mostly**

"What happened?" B'Elanna asked, earnestly.

He wished he knew. "We've all been under a lot of pressure this past
year. You know that. But despite all that we've been through, we've
become a family out here. We all fit uniquely as a part of the Voyager
whole." **We all know our places**

"You can save that speech for the Captain."

"That's enough, Lieutenant." Chakotay didn't like having to reign her
in, especially since she'd only spoken up because she cared. Sighing,
he continued. "The surveying and mining in this star system is going
to take some time. With all these class-M worlds, there's plenty of
sunshine to go around. I'll talk to the Captain. Maybe shoreleave will
lift everyone's spirits."

B'Elanna eyed him skeptically, but went back to work. She obviously
had her doubts. And the skies agreed with her.  A sudden rumbling clap
of thunder pierced the air, ending with a sonic boom that seemed to
make the ground shake.

Chakotay was on his feet moments later, ordering the second half of
the away team back to the shuttle. B'Elanna's head poked from beneath
the large overhanging branches of the tree and she came out to join
him, re-packed tools in hand.

"Fastest storm I've ever seen," Chakotay said. Clouds that normally
drifted lazily had transformed into giant dark masses that were
roiling as if being run on fast forward through a time-elapse viewer.

Quick on the heels of the thunder was the rain. It came down in
stinging streaks of fast moving moisture. "Well, that at least
explains why all the foliage is so tough," B'Elanna murmured shielding
her face. "Looks like we're going to have to make a run for it."

By the time they'd crossed the one hundred yard distance to the
shuttle, wind had joined the mix and the storm was still building.
Chakotay didn't like the looks of this at all.

Moher and Bromley could be seen struggling through the streaking rain,
carrying something between them. There were still at least several
hundred yards away. B'Elanna stationed herself at the transporter
console and attempted to get a lock on them.

"Trace ions interference!" she called to him over the rising sounds of
wind and rain. "I can't get a decent lock!"

"Start pre-flight!" he yelled back, waving her away from the console.
"This is only getting worse. It would make me feel a lot better if we
sat this one out from orbit."

B'Elanna nodded her agreement and disappeared toward the forward
compartment. Chakotay glanced back out the entry ramp, and gathering a
quick breath, dashed back out into the pounding elements.

"Need a hand?!" he yelled as he approached the two relieved Ensigns.
Ensign Katrina Bromley was already extending a large sack of what
looked like yellow-gold tubers.

"Thank you, Sir!" she exclaimed. "Leaving these behind was beginning
to feel like a good idea."

"I see your point," Chakotay agreed, slinging it over his shoulder.
The sack was holding nearly as much water as it was produce. Urging
the other two ahead, he slowed to allow some of the water to spill
onto the ground.

"Go!" He yelled to B'Elanna when he entered the shuttle several yards
behind Bromley and Moher. The ramp was still closing as the vessel
began lifting into the turbulent air.

"Strap in!" He yelled to the two Ensigns and made his own way toward
the aft cargo hold. This promised to be one very bumpy ride and it
wouldn't do to have palm-sized tubers flying around the shuttle.

Setting his feet wide apart for balance, he stowed the sack in
protective netting. He closed off the top end of the netting when
B'Elanna yelled a warning from the front of the shuttle. Heavy
turbulence ahead.

---

B'Elanna's fingers flew over the console as she tried to pilot the
shuttle around the worst of the storm. But the sensors were behaving
sluggishly, as if the ionization was affecting them as it had the
transporter. The best she could do was see the strongest surges
coming; there was precious little time to react.

A massive down draft of air appeared on the sensors. She countered
with a quick upward pitch on the engines in an attempt to counteract
the wind's force. It worked, but not before the shuttle nose dived
with a sickening lurch followed by a gradual attitude change upward.

She heard something heavy hitting the floor just behind her seat.
Daring to turn, she caught sight of Chakotay sprawled on the floor.

"I'm fine, just fly," he managed to grunt out as he struggled to
regain his footing. A meter separated him from the co-pilots seat.

Refocusing on the sensor panel, she turned in time to see another down
draft, much larger than before bearing down on them. "Hold on!" she
tried to warm Chakotay as she threw the engines again into a powerful
upward pitch. They should be above the level of the storm soon.
Although she had to admit, this was the deepest one she'd encountered
yet.

Chakotay grabbed the back of the co-pilot's chair and managed to keep
from falling through the powerful motions. He made a smart comment
that B'Elanna was unable to focus on because her breath was stolen
away by the newest draft that appeared on the sensors. A curling
updraft, stronger than anything she'd seen in this unusual storm. And
she dared not pitch downward least they crash into the ground. In the
split second before the wave hit she had to make the decision to ride
the wave and end up where ever it took them, or try to fly through it.
She opened her mouth to warm Chakotay. And then the wave hit.

The shuttle's engines screamed at the strain but worked valiantly to
overcome the crushing force of the winds. And then suddenly the winds
direction changed. Compensation was not possible. The engine's
momentum sent the shuttle careening into the storm and out of control.
The inertial dampers could not keep up. A panel exploded as the relay
blew, knocking them off-line. Chakotay was again fighting his way
toward his chair. She tried to warn him.

The suddenly increase of intensity sent him backward into a control
panel. Dazed by the contact, he struggle for a hand hold. Both Moher
and Bromley were reaching for him, attempting to grab some part of his
body to pull him to safety. But the ship pitched again, worse than
before sending him ruthlessly careening toward B'Elanna; into
B'Elanna. He managed to avoid crashing completely into her, but there
was nothing he could do about the forward viewscreen. He hit it with a
sickening crunch. His features slackened, and he knew no more.

Shoving aside her own pain, B'Elanna grabbed him about the chest and
held him tight against the side of her seat. She could feel her own
blood streaming from a cut at the corner of her skull where Chakotay's
boot had clipped her. And he was a deadened weight against the
shoulder that she was sure was dislocated. That knowledge along with
the hazy red light of the shuttle's warning systems, the hazy gray
maelstrom reflecting in the view screen and the steadily growing
disorientation rising from her own pain added a sense of unreality to
the situation; made her feel as if she were disconnected, outside of
herself.

Continuing to fly one-handed in the tempest, relying on instinct
alone, she felt more than heard either Moher or Bromley un-strapping
from the safety harness. "Stay seated!" she demanded, adding a few
choice Klingon words for good measure. She would not have another body
tossed about the shuttle, and she would not allow this bizarre storm
to win.

The sensors picked up a lessening in the ionic radiation, and the wind
patterns were becoming less turbulent. Just a few more seconds and
they would be entering the planet's lower atmosphere, leaving the
storm behind. The winds gave a few more half-hearted attempts to knock
the vessel off course and then suddenly they were free.

The still and silence was almost frightening. Then Bromley began to
babble something that B'Elanna couldn't make out.

Unconsciously setting the shuttle to automatically fly to the
rendezvous point, B'Elanna turned toward the frantic Ensign. It was a
struggle to focus beyond the smell of smoke, and sweat and the taste
of her own blood.

Bromley was pointing, speaking frantically while both she and Ensign
Moher un-strapped themselves. B'Elanna watched through blurry eyes as
they approached, both focused intently on Chakotay.  Turning her eyes
downward, she caught a glimpse of her own blood soaked hand, still
clutched around his chest.

Suddenly the shuttle jolted, as if snatched from behind. And then the
winds were *inside* the shuttle. After that, all hell broke loose.

---

Kathryn Janeway rose from her chair, so stunned was she by the sight
before her.

"Life signs?" she asked the question that sliced fear through her
heart. This was supposed to have been a routine survey mission. Due to
the star system's all-but-unheard-of 9 uninhabited class-M planets,
two of Voyager's shuttles had been assigned three planets each to
survey, while Voyager herself would survey the three remaining
arctic-like planets at the far end of the star system. The danger to
the shuttle teams had been negligible.

"I'm reading three very faint life signs," Harry informed her.

She turned toward him, needing to be sure of what he'd said. Only
three...? Who....

Harry's eyes reflected her own anxiety. They all had friends, family,
on that shuttle.

Placing a clamp on her emotions, she retreated into the relative
safety of command mode, barking orders that the crew hurried to obey.
"Inform the Doctor of incoming casualties and beam them directly to
sickbay. Bring the shuttle on board and put a team on it right away. I
want to know what happened, and I want to know yesterday.  Tuvok, you
have the bridge."

---

Pain.

Throbbing waves of radiating fire roared through his body, igniting
his nerve endings. He had to focus. Open his eyes. Find out where he
was. He levered his eyes opened by force of will, but all he could see
was darkness and it added to the burning pain behind his skull. It
spread to his lungs and to his heart. He felt the labor of each
indrawn breath, each increasingly prolonged beat.

He was dying.

**Oh, Kathryn, I'm so sorry. We never really had a chance.**

He thought he heard her voice, saw her laughing image. Felt her
touching him. Crying for him. Her tears fell upon him, dropping and
sprinkling his body like a cool shower, washing away the heat and dust
of a scorching day.

The shower continued, and the gentle winds of her laughter whispered
in his ears. The darkness faded to light.

*Welcome.*

Death. Welcoming Death. He surrendered to her call.


---

Kathryn Janeway gazed down at the unconscious woman on the biobed.  A
device was attached to her cranial ridge, relieving internal stress on
her brain, the Doctor had said. Until the pressure was relieved, the
young half-Klingon would not wake up.

"How long?" Kathryn spoke, never removing her eyes from the B'Elanna's
quiet features.

The Doctor turned from his examination of Moher. "Difficult to say,
Captain. I predict that Ensigns Moher and Bromley will regain
consciousness first, but beyond that, we will simply have to be
patient."

"A member of my crew is missing Doctor," Kathryn reminded him shortly.
"I don't have the luxury of patience. Keep me informed."

"Aye Captain," the Doctor nodded, watching her with a worried gaze as
she exited sickbay.


Several minutes later, Janeway strode onto the bridge, and went to
stand near Tuvok's tactical console. "Anything," she asked him softly.
The twenty minutes she'd spent brooding in sickbay surely hadn't been
enough time for a thorough investigation of the shuttle's logs, but
she had to know what they'd found so far. She needed some idea of
whether or not it was time to say good-bye to her dearest friend.

"The other survey team checked in, and will rendezvous with us within
the hour, as scheduled. They have reported no incidences which might
explain what may have taken place with Commander Chakotay's team.

"Our preliminary examination of the shuttle reveals that there was no
damage to the outer hull, but the internal structure seems to have
received minor damage. The main IDR relay was blown and the engines
will need to be overhauled. Other than that, the only other...curious
item that has been discovered thus far is that the shuttle's log
revealed that for a period of 7 minutes and 32 seconds, the log simply
stopped recording."

"Stopped recording?" Kathryn looked up at that.

"Yes, Captain. They were ending their survey of the third assigned
planet, and preparing for take-off. The log does not begin again until
7 minutes and 32 seconds later, when the shuttle broke out of the
planet's atmosphere and began a programmed course toward the
rendezvous point."

"Then that's where we'll begin. Alert the other team that we will be
joining them shortly. And then, we'll set a course for the third
planet. Meanwhile, transfer the shuttle logs to my ready room. I'm
going to do a little digging of my own."

She turned and headed down the steps toward her ready room. As she
reached the last step, everything went white. Her mind went blank. And
then suddenly everything returned to normal.

Shaken, she took the two steps to her command chair and sank into it.
Clenching her fists for control, she turned to face the bridge crew;
they'd surely have noticed her strange behavior. She was both shocked
and relieved to find that they looked equally as stunned as she felt.

"What the hell happened?" she asked, feeling steadier in the knowledge
that she hadn't experienced that sensation alone. Because for several
moments, she'd entertained a very horrifying thought. She'd believed
Chakotay to be dead.

Though she had truly never proscribed to any particular religious
belief, and had no way of explaining her reasoning, she felt with
certainty that she, and she alone would somehow know if Chakotay died.
It wouldn't be a group experience. She wasn't sure when the idea had
taken hold -- maybe it had begun when they had been stranded on that
planet -- or if it had always been there. Whatever the case, they were
linked in a manner that went beyond normal friendship. She was
helpless to explain that as well.

While she pondered the merits and demerits of metaphysics, Harry and
Tuvok completed their analysis of the incident. "The sensors detected
a slight elevations in ionic radiation for 1.3 seconds," Tuvok
announced. "It appears to have been a ship wide phenomena."

"Any idea where it came from?" Kathryn asked.

"No, Captain. It simply appeared."

"Run a level one diagnostic on all ship's systems and began a class
three scan of the surrounding star system. And if the --"

"Emergency Medical Holograph to Captain Janeway." The Doctor's urgent
tones interrupted her orders.

"Go ahead, Doctor."

"The away team has regained consciousness."

"On my way."

---

B'Elanna opened her eyes and stared blankly at the white ceiling.
Something heavy lay against her forehead. Reaching up, she detached
it, and then suddenly she remembered. Up and off of the biobed, she
turned to scan the rest of sickbay. She utterly ignored the Doctor's
reproving tones as she sought Chakotay. Moher and Bromley were sharing
confused looks with her and one another when the door slid open.

The person that stood there was not the one she was looking for. But
the worry in Captain Janeway's eyes did not reassure her. And
considering the amount of damage he'd received, there was no way he
would make it out of sickbay before she would. Wavering slightly, her
tone somewhere between defensive and devastated.  "Where's Chakotay?
Is he...."

Janeway, appearing completely unprepared for such a remark faltered. A
vulnerability that B'Elanna had never seen percolated through her
Captain's facade and then was abruptly hidden. "I'll need a report
Lieutenant. Can you tell us what happened?"

Straightening her shoulders, B'Elanna cast a glance around the room.
If Captain Janeway could hide her worry and grief behind her Captain's
mask, then she could hide as well. "We were caught in some kind of a
storm -- came out of nowhere, fast. It knocked out our inertial
dampers. Chakotay wasn't strapped in, he ... he was on his way from
the back of the shuttle toward the co-pilots seat when the relay blew.
He was knocked around quite a bit -- crashed into the forward view
screen. I think he broke something -- badly. I managed to grab a hold
of him after that, and to out fly the storm."

B'Elanna's eyes clouded in confusion. "After that..." she began. Then
shaking her head. "Uh...after that, I remember thinking that he wasn't
going to make it... " She broke off again, confused. "I can't seem to
remember anything after that, Captain. I must have passed out."

Janeway nodded her head, reassuring, and asked Moher and Bromley if
either of them remembered anything more. Both answered in the
negative.

B'Elanna could not hold back the question that she still had not
received a reply to. She had to hear it, see his lifeless body, before
she could believe. And then she was call out her agony in the Klingon
way, and after, she would weep bitterly, in the human way.

Moving a step closer to the Captain, she whispered the words. "Is
he...dead?"

Janeway swallowed convulsively, her eyes meeting B'Elanna's. Almost
imperceptibly she shook her head, no. But aloud she said, "Commander
Chakotay's status is unknown. He was not onboard the shuttle when we
found you. We will be returning to the planet that you were surveying
to began a search."

B'Elanna stood straighter as she listened to the Captain outlining her
plan. She hadn't said Chakotay was alive aloud, but B'Elanna had
gotten the message nonetheless. If Janeway believed it, then she would
too.

---

Seven of Nine stepped onto the grassy clearing in search of the faint
Starfleet signature that the ship's scanners had detected minutes
earlier. The storm that had begun during Commander Chakotay's away
mission had continued on for 8 days. Though, she personally considered
it illogical to wait so long for one human, she expected nothing less
from Captain Janeway. The fact that Janeway had begun mining
operations on one of the planets along the edge of the system however
redeemed her.

As she glanced toward her left at the Doctor and Commander Tuvok, she
nodded her approval of the make-up of the away team. Commander Tuvok's
logical nature could only add to the success of the mission,
especially considering the emotional tone that had settled over the
ship as they days had passed. Many tempers had become brittle. Only
the most level-headed should be among the away team.

The Doctor was of course along for his medical expertise. And she,
obviously, was along for her imminently logical outlook as well as her
technical and biological enhancements. While Voyager's sensors were
still mildly hampered by the ionization that persisted at ground
level. Her Borg implants were functioning at full capacity.

Readjusting her sensor acuity, she sought out the nearest human life
form. Tuvok's superior auditory abilities beat her to it.

"This way," he said, gesturing through a stand of trees. "I believe I
hear splashing water."

Commander Chakotay was indeed present on the planet, in the water and
in good health. He didn't appear to notice them when they appeared
from among the trees, but seemed busily talking with someone who was
not present. He stood, faced away from them speaking in the direction
of the planet's rising sun. He had mostly like been swimming, Seven
thought, as he stood knee-deep in the pond, water streaming from his
hair, down his back and over his bare buttocks.

"Commander Chakotay," Tuvok called, in an attempt to catch the human's
attention.

Chakotay spun around, a happy smile fading from his face. "Who are
you?" he asked.

---

Several minutes later, Seven stood by while Commander Tuvok contacted
Voyager. "We have located Commander Chakotay," Tuvok informed her,
simply, concisely. "However, there are several problems."

"Problems, Tuvok?" Seven thought that the Captain's voice sounded
strange. She stored the information away for later dissection.

"Yes, Captain," Tuvok was saying. "He does not appear to know who he
is, and what is more, he does not wish to leave. Shall we take him
against his will?"  Seven thought that the idea held merit.

"No," Janeway vetoed the idea. "Set up the pattern enhancers, I'm
coming down." Seven's brow raised, a practice she'd seen Tuvok use.
She'd estimated that there was a 79.3 % chance that Captain Janeway
would find the idea unacceptable.

"Aye," Tuvok said. "There is something else that you should know
first."

---

Kathryn had replicated the robe on her way to the transporter room.
When she arrived on the planet, three solemn faced individuals stared
across at her. Were she to deliver clothing to her naked first officer
before the eyes of any other members of her crew, she wasn't sure
could live it down. But at least two of these three would exercise
discretion. She made a mental note to have a little talk with the
Doctor.

"Where is he?" she asked. The sound of splashing quickly brought an
answer to her question.

Urging the three members of the away team to remain with the pattern
enhancers, she stepped through the trees and watched as Chakotay swam
with abandon, again laughing and talking with someone who was clearly
not present. Had his mind been damaged in the accident? And where were
the injuries that B'Elanna had mentioned? In the absence of medical
technology, she should have at least seen scarring on his body. And
from her vantage point, she could see everything. There was no scar.

"Chakotay," she called to the figure. He turned, piercing her with his
gaze. She was stunned at the intensity she saw in his eyes.  With no
thought to modesty, he splashed out of the waters and ran toward her,
grabbing her up in his arms.

Kathryn gasped, too stunned, too shocked even to move as he hugged her
to himself and spun her around. When he placed her back on the ground,
it was only to plant his lips firmly against hers, his hands clasped
to both sides of her head.

---

Tuvok and Seven appeared from among the trees, pulling him off of her.
Tuvok moved to restrain him.

"No!" gasped out, struggling to regain her breath. "Don't." Waving
Tuvok back again, and gathering her dignity as best should could,
considering, she turned back to Chakotay. She was careful to leave
several feet of space between them this time.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked him.

Confusion was a living thing in his eyes. The happiness from earlier
had faded. "Kathryn...?" Then, shaking his head as if hoping to
dislodge his confusion, he tried again. "I thought..." He began
looking around with new eyes. Discomfort, and maybe even a little fear
appeared alongside the confusion. He began to tremble.

Remembering the robe she carried, she took careful steps toward him
and wrapped it around his shoulders. She guided his arms into the
sleeves. "Do you remember who you are?" she asked.

Chakotay looked down at her. "Chakotay?" he asked. He seemed unsure,
but looked as if he would accept whatever she told him.

"Yes, you're Chakotay." She nodded and gave him a warm smile. "We're
going to take you home."

"Wait," he said, and glanced back across the waters. They glistened
brilliantly in the morning sun. But Chakotay didn't seem to find what
he sought there. Moving toward the water, he raised his head into the
air, almost beseechingly. After several minutes, his shoulders slumped
and he returned to her side.

"I can't hear them anymore," he explained. "I will go home with you."

---

"I have done all that I can," Tuvok said, breathlessly, settling back
into a nearby chair. The series of mind-melds he had conducted with
Chakotay were obviously draining him.

The Doctor, who'd been monitoring, turned toward Janeway. "I would
agree Captain. My examination suggests that all the repair that can be
done has been done. When he arrived on the ship two days ago, he had
no memories of who he was or where he came from. Now he remembers much
of his childhood, some of his adulthood and even a portion of his time
in the Maquis. I don't believe that technology, medical or Vulcan can
go any further."

Kathryn looked toward the man who lay quietly unconscious on the
biobed. "But he doesn't remember any of his time at Starfleet, any of
the protocols, the regulations. He doesn't remember how to be a first
officer on this ship. We have to look further."

"Perhaps, Captain, it is time to consider other alternatives," said
Tuvok quietly.

"I'm not ready to accept defeat Tuvok."

---

Chakotay shut down his computer and rubbed his eyes. Too many hours
reading specifications and logs and regulations were beginning to
cause a strain. The amount of information a human gathered in a
lifetime was formidable, regaining lost ground, he was finding, was
near impossible.

[Chirrup]

"Come in," he answered the door chime.

Tom Paris entered the room. There was a subtle tension surrounding the
man, but he seemed determined to say what he'd come to say. Shifting
slightly from one foot to the other, he began. "Do you remember me?"
he asked quietly.

"Well, that depends, Tom. According to the logs I've been reading
you're the man with the plan. So, if it's replicator rations that I
owe you, then no, I don't remember you. But if it's something you owe
me, I'm open to communication." He smiled, hoping to lighten the
conversation. Tom was obviously taking this so seriously.

In the past few days he'd been aboard, many of the crew had sought him
out to tell him stories of experiences they'd shared with him or
others of the crew. He wasn't sure who had started it off, but he was
touched nonetheless. Especially when the stories were things that were
uncomfortable reminders for the storytellers. He had a feeling that
Tom had come for uncomfortable reminders.

Tom grinned a little at his attempt at levity. "I assure you, you
would never have become involved in the betting pool, especially
considering ... well, because you were first officer and all."

The way Tom had trailed off, as if suddenly changing direction sparked
Chakotay's interest. "Especially considering what?" he asked. "I'm
sure it was more than my position."

Tom ran a hand along the back of his neck, supremely embarrassed. "Uh,
yeah. That would sum it up. Your position."

Chakotay wondered. Deciding to let Tom slide, he offered him a drink
and a place to sit. "Honestly, Tom, I don't remember anything. Did you
come to tell me a story?"

"Yes," Tom nodded. And then he began.

---

Kathryn sat alone in her quarters, reading reports.

"Come in," she called at the sound of her door chime.  She looked up
and saw Chakotay standing there.

"Hello Chakotay. Come on in," she called. The reports really hadn't
been holding her attention anyway. There was so much work to do.

He strolled slowly into the room, and plastered her with a look.
"You're tired," he announced. "And a little frustrated, too."

"Okay, right on both counts. What's your point?"

"I've been thinking," he said, then nodding his head. "Okay, and
reading. My job description carries a pretty full load. I've checked
the systems and I want to know who is doing the work that I'm supposed
to be doing?"

Kathryn shot him a guilty smile. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask that
question. But, I've taken on some of it, if you must know. It would be
difficult for you to handle crew assignments if you're not familiar
with all of the ship's systems yet. B'Elanna tells me you're coming
along very well in your classes."

"Captain, I've been wandering around this ship now for four days
acting like a college student: reading and cramming for examinations.
A ship shouldn't be put in the hands of someone who has had to cram.
What would I do in a tight spot? Where even are the regulations on
what to do in a tight spot?"

"You're smart, Chakotay. You'll re-learn them," Kathryn assured him.
"We've all had to learn them the first time."

"Yeah, but I have a strong feeling I had a lot more energy the first
time," Chakotay teased.

Kathryn laughed. "In my case, I'm going to have to agree with you
there," she said.

"That was nice," Chakotay said. "When you laughed, just now. You
haven't been doing very much of that lately."

A flush of pleasure washed over her at his look. It reminded her of
the way he'd kissed her that day at the pond. He had since apologized,
but that didn't negate the fact that the passion behind it had struck
her and came back at moments she least expected. Speaking quickly to
abort her train of thought, she said, "No offense, but you don't
remember anything beyond the past four days. How would you know?"

Chakotay didn't take offense, he merely leaned closer. "True, true.
But I've read my recent log entries. I think I'm getting to know you
very well through the eyes of my other self."

"Have you had any more memories return?" she asked him.

"No," he said, frowning at her disappointment. "I'm working very hard
though, Captain. And the crew is wonderful. Everyone is helping. So
many have told me stories about themselves, and our journeys." He
smiled. That it meant a lot to him was there in his eyes.

"I knew you would like that." Kathryn said, softly, sadly.

A silence fell for several moments, and Chakotay cleared his throat.
"Why don't you just walk me through some of this stuff," he suggested.
"I could learn a lot of things by doing."

Kathryn nodded in agreement. "All right. Let's start with crew
assignments. And by the way, Chakotay and I used to have breakfast
together every morning."

Chakotay smiled. "Who am I to break with tradition?"

---

"I haven't seen you doing that in a long time."

Chakotay looked up into B'Elanna's eyes as she came even with his
table. "Oh? Did I do this a lot, then?" He was hungry for information
to fill the blank spaces in his psyche. Talking with the crew had
given him a real sense of kinship and belonging. Yet, he still felt
that something was off. That something revolved around Captain
Janeway. She seemed saddened by his inability to recall events of his
past. Perhaps he wanted the information more for her than for himself.

"Yes, you did it a lot," B'Elanna confirmed. "Mind if I sit and
watch?"

"No, not at all," he made room for her. "I found this in my quarters.
I instinctively seem to know how to do it, though I have no idea when
or where I learned it."

"Things are like that sometimes," B'Elanna said. "You don't remember a
lot of the things we experienced in the Maquis, but that hasn't made
you any less of a friend in my eyes."

Chakotay's hands stilled over his sand painting. "Nor you in mine," he
said, giving her an affectionate smile. Then, waiting a beat, he asked
a question that had been sitting in the back of his mind.

"Was there ever anything between Captain Janeway and myself?" he
asked.

B'Elanna gaped at him, and then quickly downplaying the grin that
sprang to her lips, answered him. "I honestly don't know, Chakotay.
There were times when I was certain that there was, and others when I
was certain that there hadn't been and wouldn't be." A slight frown
crowded her expression for a moment, and then immediately cleared.
"Why do you ask?"

"It's difficult to explain," Chakotay said, feeling mildly
embarrassed, but pressing on. "There's a feeling within me that
we're....connected somehow. I feel drawn toward her, and I think she
feels it too. I thought that my not being able to remember a
relationship that we'd had was what is making her sad."

B'Elanna considered him for long moments. "Have you read all of your
personal logs yet?"

"No, not quite. I started with the more recent ones, and then skipped
back to the beginning. I believe I'm somewhere around allowing some
Kazon boy to kill me...?" He made a face, wondering at his own past
actions. "It might have made a lot of sense when I did it. But, as a
stranger, reading the text... I've got to wonder what I was thinking."

B'Elanna chuckled. "I'm not touching that. Although it must be an
interesting perspective to view your thoughts on your own actions,
from the outside.  Imagine the psychological journals. But, for a
little more information on you and the Captain's relationship, why
don't you skip forward about a year and a half. Stardates:..... Under
'New Earth'."

Chakotay nodded. "Okay, I will. Now, tell me about you and Tom? He
told me some story about the underside of a ..."

---

"I've completed the new crew report," Chakotay stood at attention
before Kathryn's ready room desk. Both his hands were behind his back.

Kathryn glanced up at him, a smile playing at her lips. "What are you
doing?"

"Who? Me?" he asked innocently. "I was alerting you to the fact that
as New Chakotay I've done my first crew assignments report."

"Well, let me see it," Kathryn said. She was dying to know what was
behind his back. She was quite sure it was much more than a crew
report.

"Close your eyes first," he said.

"Close my eyes?" she asked, surprised.

"Yes. Or else I won't show you."

Kathryn couldn't contain a grin as she shut her eyes.  "Oh, all right.
But remember I've got work to do."

"Absolutely. *We've* got work to do. You're supposed to help me with
the back-up engineering systems analysis."

"Right," Kathryn said, creaking an eye open to answer him.

"No peeking!" Chakotay's arms shot back behind his back.

"All right!" she was giggling now. This was ridiculous, really.

"Okay, open them," he said.

Kathryn did. A large bowl of popcorn and a bottle of wine and two
glasses sat on her desk. Placed neatly before them all was the crew
assignments.

"Oh, Chakotay," she breathed, not sure what she should say. She didn't
want him to get the wrong idea. And he'd probably forgotten everything
he'd learned about protocol.

"It's synthehol," he volunteered. "Just some refreshments for while we
work."

She looked at him, seriousness in her gaze. She had to straighten this
out now, before it went too far.

"Is this something that your Chakotay wouldn't do?" he asked.

"Yes," Kathryn nodded, glad that he'd said it first. "This is
something my Chakotay wouldn't do. He knew the rules of protocol, and
Starfleet regulations."

Chakotay gazed down at the popcorn and the wine, seeming to consider
this. "I'm still your Chakotay, Captain. I'm just more fun." He
flashed her a grin that he had to have known could melt butter. "We
need nourishment. Why not popcorn and wine?"

Kathryn looked into his smiling eyes, at the popcorn and wine, at the
PADDs and then back to his eyes. "Okay," she laughed, giving in. Her
*old* Chakotay would never have pressed the issue; she found she liked
that her *new* one did.

---

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here, Captain."

"I'd like to tell you a story," she said.

Chakotay's face split into a wide grin. "That would be wonderful. When
would you like to come by?"

"Right now," she said with a throaty chuckle.

"Door's open for you, any day, and time."

Janeway laughed and broke the connection. Moments later she walked
into his quarters, surprised to find that he had literally set the
door to open on her approach.

Chakotay brought out milk and cookies and settled them on the table
seriously. Kathryn laughed out loud at the action, but immediately
took one from the tray and claimed her own glass of milk.

"What story have you come to tell me?" he asked her. He'd been on the
ship for ten days, and over half of the crew had told him stories.
Amazingly, he hadn't had any trouble keeping them all straight. A
large portion of the crew were being cycled to the surface of the
farthest three planets of the system to mine several ores that were
useful to Voyager. The operation was due to wrap up the next day and
they would again be on their way to the Alpha Quadrant. At that time,
he expected more crew members would have time to talk to him.

"I've come to tell you the story of how you came to be on Voyager,"
Kathryn said, turning serious slightly. "It's a little hard for me to
tell, because I blame myself for getting us stuck out here. But, I
thought it was something you should know."

"I'd be honored to hear your story, Captain." Chakotay said, smiling
into her eyes.

"You used to call me Kathryn, in private," she said, almost shyly.

"I've wanted to," he admitted. He hadn't known if the fact that
Chakotay had addressed her as Kathryn in his logs were a personal
quirk or not. He was happy to know that it wasn't.

Taking a deep breath and a bite of cookie. "For strength," she said,
Kathryn began telling her story.

Chakotay listened very closely. He knew the parts that bothered her,
made her feel vulnerable and that parts that made her feel proud and
happy. He read it all there in her voice, in her eyes as she spoke to
him. And he knew the parts that caused her pain, because she closed
her eyes or looked away. He knew all about this woman. He knew he
loved this woman.

When she was done speaking, he reached for her and pulled her into a
bear hug. There was no way she should have been able to pull any
sexual meaning out of it. Nevertheless, she made uncomfortable sounds
about what her Chakotay would have done. And he reiterated to her that
*he* was her Chakotay now.

"Besides," he added, tossing a cookie in his mouth. "I hug all of my
storytellers that way. You should have seen the look on Tuvok's face."

Kathryn laughed out right, and then begged off for the rest of the
evening. "It's getting late," she said. "And we both have early
mornings. We probably won't have time to meet for breakfast in the
morning." She reminded him that they were finishing the mining and
leaving the star system in the morning.

He nodded his acceptance, and walked her to the door. "Oh, Kathryn,"
he stopped her before she could leave. "I'm trying to access some
records

from Stardates: .... under 'New Earth', but they're passcoded, and I
haven't been able to figure out what the code is. Any idea what your
Chakotay would have chosen?"

Kathryn's expression turned stricken for a moment. And then she spoke,
hoarsely. "Try, 'angry warrior'."

He supposed that was not something her Chakotay would have asked
about. Good thing he'd decided against kissing away her milk mustache.

---

The next morning, Chakotay arrived to Kathryn's quarters very early,
when they would normally have met for breakfast. She opened the door,
looking slightly anxious. "Chakotay, I don't have time," she said.

"I know," he told her, and produced a rose from behind his back. "This
is a 'thank you', for the memories of New Earth. I don't know if I
ever told you." The things he had read in the New Earth logs had
affected him deeply. He gazed deeply into Kathryn's eyes, hoping to
convince her of his sincerity.

Kathryn bit her lip, and he thought her eyes might have watered a
little. "Come here," she said, taking his hand and dragging him into
her quarters. "It's I who should be thanking you. Before you were
lost, Chakotay, morale was not at its best. In fact, if I had to
describe it I would say it was pretty pathetic. And it just plummeted
when you were lost. But when we found you, and you came back, it was
as if you brought a little something extra with you.  Your incredible
optimism and smile have spread like wildfire all over this ship. The
act of crew members telling you stories, has also started them to
telling one another stories. It has brought the crew in touch with the
best things in each one of us. It has brought us closer. That's what
you did for this crew, Chakotay. And it's also what you did for me.
You made me remember the good times, the way things used to be. I
hadn't realized how tired I'd become of the journey. You've made me
enjoy it that much more, and for that, and for those memories, I can
never, ever, thank you enough."

"Oh, Kathryn," Chakotay managed. "I--"

"Commander Tuvok to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please
report to the bridge."

Kathryn began to laugh, wiping at her eyes. "I'm sorry, she apologized
to Chakotay. "It's just that, Tuvok used to always interrupt us at
this point."

---

Chakotay settled in his seat on the bridge, the Captain at his right
and watched the planet beneath them as Kathryn gave Tom his orders. As
they ship moved away from the planet, he felt an odd sense of loss.

"Mr. Paris, set course for the Alpha Quadrant. Warp Two."

"Aye Captain." Tom tapped in a serious of commands at the helm and the
ship turned neatly from orbit. The console flashed green as the
nacelles realigned for warp travel. Tom hit the button to engage, and
the engines emitted a piercing wine. The ship began to rock as if it
were riding on an ocean's waves.

"Status!" Janeway ordered, grasping the arms of her chair.

Chakotay immediately recognized the sense that overcame him. Standing,
he walked to the middle of the command area and began to laugh. "Can't
you hear them?" he asked, turning to the other members of the bridge.
"They've come to say good-bye."

He listened silently for several second and bowed slightly. Moving to
the Captain's chair, he took her hand and then suddenly, she could
hear them, too.

"Harry," she called to Ops. "Step through the UHF band, see if you can
find the wave length these creatures are speaking on."

Harry hurriedly tapped into the console and then suddenly, the
tinkling sound of voices could be heard through the ship's speakers.

"We wished to say good-bye to friend Chakotay," they said. "He was
with us for a time, and now we must part."

"Wait!" Kathryn called. "Why haven't you contacted us before?"

"We have tried," the voices tinkled. "Your people did not hear. And
Chakotay did not return to the surface. We worried that if we touched
your ship we might damage you again."

"You caused the damage?"

"Sadly, yes. Chakotay and your other three people were caught in the
birth of one of our own. This one," the Winds seemed to indicate
Chakotay, "was very badly damaged, so we took him. We examined each of
you in an effort to determine how to repair him and your other three
who were hurt by our presence. As his damage was so much worse, we
discovered that we could not fix all. Taking away his pain, caused the
loss of much."

"His memory?" Kathryn latched onto the word. "Can you give it back to
him?"

"We can." The winds spoke. "But there would be consequences."

Kathryn turned wide-eyed to Chakotay.

"What are the consequences?" Chakotay asked.

"The loss of all that has happened since that day. For you we would do
it. What is your choice, friend Chakotay?"

Chakotay didn't hesitate. "I wish to remain as I am, my friends,
People of the Winds."

"So it will be. Go in peace."

With that, the shuddering of the ship ceased and the vessel shot into
warp. Silence descended on the bridge as Kathryn and Chakotay shared a
long look.

"Commander, I'd like to see you in my ready room."

Once they were inside, and the door slid closed behind them, Kathryn
turned to face him. "Why did you do that?" she wanted to know.

"Are you disappointed?" Chakotay asked.

"You've lost so much," Kathryn countered. "So many memories that the
crew of this ship alone can not fill in. Besides, this ship needs a
first officer. The knowledge you've gained over the years is too much
of a price to pay, Chakotay."

"No, it isn't," Chakotay told her. "You've done a wonderful job of
teaching me what is expected of me as first officer. And I'll do that
job as long as you want me to. In either case, there are others who
are qualified to fill that position. Tuvok, for instance.

"And just this morning, weren't you telling me of how happy this crew
is, how much happier you are? Let me tell you how happy I am -- words
cannot express it. It's worth sacrificing all the yesterdays, if it
means a better tomorrow."

Kathryn seemed ready to argue. Chakotay closed the distance between
them, took one of her hands. "The bottom line is this: I may regain
those memories, I may not. But in the end, what really matters is that
sometimes you have to lose absolutely everything, to have it all.
Right now, I think I pretty much have it all."

"Oh, really?" Kathryn asked, a small smile beginning play at the
corner of her lips.

Chakotay stared deeply into her eyes. "Oh yes, definitely. And right
now I'm about to do something that both your past Chakotay and your
present Chakotay has wanted to do for a very very long time."

With that he drew her into his arms and kissed her as if there were no
yesterdays, no today and no tomorrow.

---

The End