The BLTS Archive- The Vigil #2: Spock by Istannor (Istannor@aol.com) --- These are the characters of paramount and viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Feedback is welcome. --- Yes, Doctor , I am quite able to remain here while you rest. There is no need for both of us to be here, currently. I have no duties presently. I will stay and wake you when it is time for me to return to my duties. --- I understand the directions, Doctor. I shall call you if anything changes. Good night. A most illogically, persistent, man. I do not understand why he thinks he has to repeat himself to me. No doubt, his concern and fatigue have disturbed his higher level functions. It is best that I am here, as he obviously requires additional rest. --- Jim. I am here. All the rest of the landing party is safe. You saved the Ambassador's life. I did not agree with your method, however. I would prefer, next time, you not put yourself between such a man and a weapon. I am not sure he was worth the sacrifice. It was his indifference to your counsel which put us at risk. He may have learned from the pain. Perhaps, like a Vulcan, you can hear me while you heal, but I think not. Why are you sweating? Your skin is warmer than usual. It is normally so cool against my skin, when we wrestle in the gym; like a mountain oasis. I must cease this line of thought. If I touch you, I can monitor your skin temperature to verify that you do not become febrile. What dissembling. I will not lie even to myself in such a flagrant fashion. The monitor will show his temperature. Touch is far less accurate. My judgement is impaired. --- I will tell you this, because you can not hear me. One day, I will have sufficient courage to say it when you can. I killed today, for you. You have shattered all that I was. Now, I kill without hesitation, for a human male. I committed Tal'shaya in cold rage, against he who would dare harm you. I found ... satisfaction in the snap of his neck. On Vulcan, it is said : 'the sleeping L'Matya is danger, once awakened he is wrath.' You have awakened me and I will never sleep again. I am your wrath. I held you so close to my chest while I was awaiting McCoy. Do you remember? I pressed my hand against your abdomen to try to stop the flow. It was an act born of illogic. There is nothing about you I can stop. Nothing. Why do you dance this dance with me? I felt you when you touched me. Even through your pain, you sent your love to me. You thought you might die, yet you sent me love through your touch. You never thought of yourself or your pain, only me and mine. You play matador on the field of challenge, waving your cape at death. Is it bravery or pain that drives you? Please cease this. You may not fear your own death, but I will be unmanned by it. I do not know how to teach you fear. I do not think it is possible. No, that is not correct. It is painfully obvious that you fear at least one thing: me. Perhaps, I should more accurately state, that you fear being in love with me, loving me, surrendering self to me, losing me, killing me, having to sacrifice me. Your decision is illogical. Regardless of whether or not we bond, you will be forced to make the same decisions. You will make the ones that you must, bonded or not. I know this as surely as I know my name. You will never fail to choose the right path, even if it kills us both. Now, you deny us an end to our painful separation. You deny us joy, because you fear my death. That is not logical. I have finally, after many hours of meditation, discovered this truth. For this reason, because you fear my death at your hands, you fight to go first. Do you understand that I will have nothing, if you die? All that I have built, and have done, will be nothing. Vulcan holds nothing; you are my only song, and still we dance, apart. Even though you still refuse to bond with me, the result will be the same. My true existence will end with yours. --- I dream. Vulcans are never to discuss their dreams. It is said to allow us to dwell too readily in the realm of the illogical subconscious. I dream, almost every night. Sometimes, I merely see you laughing with me; sometimes, you are holding me. Sometimes, it is more. I dare not even think it. No, I will think it. Sometimes, I dream of kissing you and tasting you slowly, deeply. Breathing in all that you exhale, I am filled. I only wish to breathe air that has passed though you. You are my source for all that I require. Your lips are so soft in my dreams. I can feel your cool, smooth, skin beneath my hands. You arch for me and shudder with want and need which only I can satisfy. I can feel your nipple harden under my tongue. I see your perfect cock rise for me, calling to me. I bend to worship it, joyfully. Always, you call my name. 'Spock,' you whisper. And the sound of my name on your lips enfolds me, and protects me, from all who would judge me harshly. I can see you're your penis drip its first drop. It is perfect, like you. I lick it like the first nectar of a sunshei fruit. It is sweet and powerful, like its master. I can never get past there. I can remember trying time and time again, to no avail. My mind rebels against the illogic of such need, but desire has no logic. Still, I awaken, with my eyes wet with your memory. The walls are thin between our cabin, at least to Vulcan ears. I can hear you, when you make love to the women that have visited you on board ship. I have heard them scream your name, again and again. Your voice is so sweet and raw when you speak to them. You ask them what they want. You caress them with your voice. You tune them until they sing with notes of passion. Sometimes, I hear them sob later, spent and sated. I always have to clean myself, afterward. I hear you ask them, strangers, what they want. When will you ask me? I have finally grown enough to admit this last truth. I beg you, ask me what I want. I will answer. I wish for you to scream my name. I want to feel your skin soothing all my fiery places. I want to see your eyes widen in pleasure. I want you to moisten your lips for me, as I have seen you do for others. I want you to laugh for me until we grow old and die, together. I want to hold your flames in my arms and never be burnt, only burn. Kroykah, it will never be. You will make women sing and I will be alone until I find a suitable bondmate whom I will not know, and I can not love. There is no one for whom I can feel as I feel for you. When my hands touch my face, I smell you. I have lost my own fragrance. I love you. No, this word does not suffice. I do not have the correct word. Nothing that I have is correct. You are brilliant. You are power, courage, and righteousness. You are kindness and destruction. You are laughter and rage. You are strength, and the vulnerability of the smallest child. How can you be all these things and never apologize or attempt to hide them from me? You tease me with what I could have. You are my cool spot in the desert. You are my surety of always drinking from the deep well. One day, I wish to take you before my clan and tell them all, those who rejected me and ignored me, see here it matters not what you ever thought of me, a half Vulcan, a not quite Human, a failed experiment, because I am loved. I love and am loved, with a passion that would scorch any other Vulcan soul. James T. Kirk loves me, and no other. No, I think that having you, I would no longer desire anything of my clan, even their acceptance. Only you, saw through my mask to reveal my true face. You are mine. I would claim you on the sands and I would kill any that stood in my way. Surak was correct. Without logic, Vulcan would burn, as I burn for you. Jim, I hear you. I am here, let me, I can take away the pain. There, that is better. I do not wish you to ever be in pain. If I touch you, you seem more comfortable. It is only logical that I continue to do so. I know you like to be touched. Your skin is so soft, full of water and salt, an ocean. I would swim in it, if I could. I am glad you have no hair. I remember when you told me how you had lamented never growing chest hair. Family genetics, you said, too much American Indian and African American in your system, to sprout even a solitary hair on your chest. You called yourself the true North American melting pot. You said it took you years to accept your hairless chest. I am glad there is no hair. There is less between my hand and your skin this way. Perhaps, you should never have worked your magic on me. Now, I know myself. I do not fear myself any longer. I know Spock and Spock's needs. I see my answer to all of them here, laying on this bed, in you. There will be no more Gol, or flight for me, from myself, from you. I watch you continuously. I am unable to attain a surfeit. My eyes are drawn to you wherever you go. You do not walk. You stalk. You pounce. You glide. You never walk. Lion eyes, prince, my prince. I speak nonsense, and make more sense than ever before in my existence. I sit next to you and wonder, how you would feel to my lips. I would know this. I can taste your forehead. Soft, salt, slightly sweet, cool against my lips. Ah, I have shamed my ancestors, to be so moved by the touch of sleeping skin against my lips. McCoy looks at you sometimes in a fashion that lets me know he would like to be with you. I will not allow it, ever. I will be your first, your only, your last. McCoy's pain and anger are too close to the surface. He revels in his weaknesses. You need strength, protection, not what McCoy offers. I will follow you to death. I fear nothing when I am beside you, except your absence. I will protect you with my life. After death, my Katra will wind around you to warm you and console you. I will never leave you, T'hy'la. If you need women, I can learn to accept that to have you. I know that even though you give your body to others, your soul, your love will remain mine, always. I will tell you this. You must know the truth between us. There can be nothing but truth between us. I killed for you today. I will do it again. I am your shield; I will guard you, or carry you home. If I lay my head here, I can sense you. Even in sleep, your essence warms me. Rest my warrior prince, I am here to guard your sleep, and our dreams. --- The End