The BLTS Archive - The Measure of A Man:
#5: Hand to Hand
by Isla (islaofhope@aol.com)

---

Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters all belong to Paramount. This
is fan fiction, and I won't make any money from it.

Thanks to Animasola, Jat Sapphire, and T'Aaneli for betaing.  And
thanks to Francesca for inspiring me to continue the series by writing
"Measure of a Man."   Both positive and negative feedback are welcome.

---

The first officer of the Enterprise strode purposefully into sickbay.
His captain had been beamed aboard a short time ago, and when Dr.
McCoy had reported that Captain Kirk required medical attention, the
information had been unexpected.  The captain had stated that the
negotiations with the Trions had been concluded successfully.  How had
the captain been wounded?

Spock schooled his features to show none of his concern as entered the
treatment area.  James T. Kirk was seated on a biobed, fully clothed
except for the fact that the left sleeve of her gold tunic was
shredded, leaving her left arm mostly bare.  Her reddish-gold hair,
which had been cut recently to softly frame her face, was somewhat
disordered, and she was putting up her right hand to smooth it as
Spock walked into the room.

Dr. McCoy stood beside the bed, examining a series of bruises on her
arm.  Lieutenant David Garrovick was sitting on the next biobed and
Nurse Chapel was examining him for what appeared to be similar
injuries.

Neither the captain nor the lieutenant appeared to notice their
wounds.  Rather, they were both nearly convulsed by laughter as
Garrovick described the altercation that had occurred on the planet.
"Well, you should have seen the guy's face when the captain took him
down with a combination of a karate chop and a judo throw.  Captain,
I've seen you show some pretty fancy footwork, but I've never seen you
throw someone twice your size like that."

Jim laughed, and as she turned to smile at Garrovick, she pulled her
arm out of McCoy's hands.  McCoy swore softly and recaptured it.  Jim
gave no sign that she remembered that the doctor was treating her.
"Mr. Garrovick, in this body, it seems like everyone is twice my size.
I have to give Lieutenant Uhura most of the credit for that move.  I'd
seen her do it before when a landing party turned ugly, so it was one
of the first things I asked her to show me.  Of course, I had to build
up Dr. Lester's muscles somewhat, but it's more about catching someone
off balance than it is about strength."

Spock gripped his hands behind his back and stood at the foot of the
biobed.  "Captain, it was my understanding that the negotiations
proceeded without incident."

A grin lit Jim's face as she swung her eyes around.  "Hello, Spock.
Yes, everything worked out OK.  Just a little excitement on the way
in."

"I do not believe that Ambassador Sarek ever began his negotiations by
'throwing around' the other participants."  Spock looked questioningly
at McCoy.  "What is the captain's condition?"

"Nothing broken, Spock.  A slight sprain to the captain's wrist.  Some
nasty bruises.  The bump on the head isn't too serious either."  McCoy
dropped Jim's arm.  "I'm going to release you, Jim, but I'd like you
to take the afternoon off."

Jim rubbed her arm and looked from McCoy to Spock.  "You don't need me
on the bridge, do you, Mr. Spock?  I will take off the rest of the
afternoon and file my report."

McCoy rolled his eyes.  "Jim, working at your computer in your
quarters is NOT taking the afternoon off.  You could use some rest.
This body is not as tough as the one that you were originally issued."

Jim hopped off the biobed.  Formerly, Jim would have had to do little
more than stand to climb off the bed, but Janice Lester's legs were
shorter, so her feet contacted the floor with a soft thump.  "Concern
noted, Bones."  She turned to look at Garrovick.  "How about you, Mr.
Garrovick?  How are you doing?"

Garrovick's eyes glowed as he looked at his captain.  "I'm fine, sir."

"Thanks for stepping in and saving my ass," Jim said with another
grin.

"It was my pleasure, but, if you don't mind my saying so, sir, you had
it pretty much under control without my help."  Garrovick winced
slightly as Nurse Chapel twisted his arm to a new angle to test his
injury.

"You take the rest of the afternoon off, too, Lieutenant."  Jim turned
back to her first officer.  "Mr. Spock?"  Jim gestured toward the
door.  Spock nodded and followed her.  She turned at the door.
"Thanks, Bones.  I really will try to take it easy this afternoon."

"You do that, " McCoy grumbled as he smoothed the cover on the biobed,
keeping his back to his captain.

Jim led Spock into McCoy's office and leaned on the edge of the desk,
her arms crossed on her chest.  A slight frown dimmed her blue eyes
and turned down her mouth.  "OK, Spock, let's have it."

Spock swallowed once before he said, "I believe that you know the
source of my discomfort, Captain.  As I said, engaging in fisticuffs
with the Trions was hardly the negotiating technique that we had
discussed before you beamed down."

"You can't be so protective, Spock. You make me feel smothered."  Jim
touched Spock's arm lightly with cool fingers, which, nonetheless,
inspired heat to jolt through Spock's body.  Her frown had faded into
an expression more akin to gentle entreaty.  "If I'm going to function
as captain - "

"You mistake me."  Spock gripped his hands behind his back, silently
astonished with himself that his fingers itched to smooth back a lock
of hair that was out of place, hair that would feel silky under his
fingertips.  "I did not say that I was concerned about protecting you.
I am concerned how your actions could adversely affect relations
between the Trions and the Federation."

"Liar.  When you swallow like that..."  Jim flashed a grin that faded
to a more solemn expression before she said, "Anyway, you read the
xenopsychology report on the Trions.  They were looking for
weaknesses.  I'm not saying that the guy was a plant, but it
definitely raised their estimate of the Federation and Starfleet when
the Enterprise's delicate captain took on the disgruntled citizen."

"You are not delicate."  Spock stopped himself in mid-swallow.
"Nonetheless, you cannot deny that this was not wise going into
negotiations.  As captain of the Enterprise, you represent the
Federation and ..."

Jim held up her hand to stop her first officer's lecture.  "I don't
*feel* delicate, but my current appearance ... well, your father, the
Vulcan ambassador, sends a very different message with his appearance
than I do, so I have to use a different approach."  Jim sighed as she
crossed her arms on her chest again.  "Spock, I do try to use my brain
instead of my body.  But sometimes..."  She shrugged.  "Listen, don't
you dare tell McCoy this, but I am tired.  I'm going to my quarters to
rest.  I'll start the report later."  She lowered her eyes, but then
looked up through her lashes with a faint smile   "Will you come by
later?  We can have dinner.  Maybe play a game of chess."

"Dinner and a game of chess would be welcome.  I will also be
interested to hear more about your negotiations."  Spock held her eyes
for a moment before he looked away.  "And I am pleased to hear that
you will listen to reason and spend the afternoon resting.  I will
bring dinner to your quarters at 1900 hours."

"See you then, First Officer."  Jim gripped Spock's arm briefly before
she walked out of sickbay.

"Until then, Captain."  Spock watched her go before he returned to the
treatment room.  Both the doctor and the nurse had departed and
Garrovick sat on the bed, gingerly pulling his shirt over his head.

"Mr. Garrovick, has the doctor released you from sickbay?"

Garrovick stood up.  "Yes, sir.  I'm relieved the rest of the day by
captain's orders, but the doctor has cleared me for duty tomorrow."
He  favored his left arm slightly, but he appeared fit.

"I have not reviewed your report or the captain's report, but I will
reiterate her gratitude for whatever actions you took to save her
life."   Garrovick smiled widely before he opened his mouth to
respond, but Spock held up a hand to forestall the response.  "Why was
the security team not positioned properly?  The captain's life should
never have been in danger."

Garrovick stood a little straighter, his hands at his side.  "Mr.
Spock, I understand how you feel, but you know that the captain
doesn't make it easy to protect her.  Never has."

Spock considered rebuking the lieutenant for accusing him -- a Vulcan
-- of having feelings about the matter, but decided that now was not
the time for a lecture regarding Vulcan culture.  "I am not interested
in excuses, Lieutenant.  I ask only that you do your job."  Spock
turned to go.

"Sir."  Garrovick's tone of voice was coolly respectful.  "Is this a
reprimand?"

Spock did not turn.  "My comments were not an official reprimand.
Rather an unofficial expression of dissatisfaction with your
performance today."

"If I may, Mr. Spock, I would like to make an unofficial response."

His eyebrow jumped.  "I would be interested to hear that response."

"I don't think you ever underestimated Captain Kirk before, sir.  And
I don't think you should now.  I guess for me it's not a big deal to
watch a woman in hand-to-hand combat.  I don't even get upset when I
come across one that can beat the hell out of me.  Women have
different strengths and weaknesses than men, but -- "

"Thank you, Mr. Garrovick."  Spock turned to study the young man.
"Captain Kirk appreciates your loyalty.  As do I."  He was silent a
moment.  "I am sure that you did not intend to insult me by accusing
me of prejudice against a woman's ability to defend herself.  My
intention was to remind you that a starship captain's life is far too
valuable to risk.  Whether that captain's body is male or female."

"Yes, sir.  If you'll excuse me, sir..."  The lieutenant's expression
was frank and untroubled.

"Dismissed, Lieutenant."

Garrovick, with Spock close on his heels, nearly ran into McCoy as
they  headed out the door of the treatment room.

McCoy nodded at Garrovick, but he stopped the first officer. "Spock,
can you spare a minute."

"Of course, Doctor."  Spock followed McCoy into his office.

McCoy sank into his chair, rubbing his hands across his eyes.  "I was
eavesdropping, and I don't blame you for being annoyed, but you know
damn well that Garrovick isn't the problem.  It's Jim's damnable blind
faith in his ability to handle any situation."

Spock lifted an eyebrow.  "Yes, it is a character flaw with which not
all Terrans are afflicted."

"How can you joke about this, Spock?  And don't tell me that Vulcans
don't joke."  McCoy was talking too quickly and vehemently for Spock
to respond.  "When that guy jumped Jim, it scared the hell out of me.
He seems to think that he can just  - "

"Perhaps it would be more appropriate to refer to the captain as she."

Jumping to his feet, McCoy leaned forward to glare at Spock.  "How can
you accept what has happened to him so calmly?  No, I don't think it's
more appropriate to call Jim a she.  Do you have any idea how
disorienting this has to be for him?  Do you have any idea how
important gender identity is to a man like Jim?"

"Calm yourself, Doctor."  Spock met McCoy's eyes coolly.  "Your
emotional outbursts solve nothing."  He crossed his arms on his chest.
"I do understand that a change in gender identity is disorienting."
He waited a moment for an additional outburst from McCoy but when none
came, he continued softly, "Has Jim spoken to you about this?"

"No, he hasn't."  McCoy dropped back into his chair, picked up a
stylus off his desk, and drummed it absentmindedly.  "I was hoping
that he'd spoken to you."

"And it was your hope that I would 'pass on' the details of those
private conversations.  If that is your only purpose, this discussion
is at an end."  Spock turned and walked toward the door.  He did not
look back at McCoy when he said, "I understand that you are concerned.
If I believe that you can be of assistance, I will recommend that Jim
speak with you."

"You cold-blooded, pointy-eared..."  The remainder of McCoy's diatribe
was cut off when the door closed behind Spock.

---

When the door to his quarters closed behind him, Jim leaned back
against it with his eyes closed.  He'd had a dizzy spell in the
turbolift and had been damn glad that he'd been alone.  He wiped a
shaking hand across his forehead and then glared at his throbbing
wrist.  When he realized what he was doing, he laughed and headed into
the bathroom.  He purposely avoided glancing in the mirror and had to
think twice about the correct technique for emptying his bladder.

He looked down at the red stain on his underwear.  Damn.
Intellectually, he knew what it was, but it was still disconcerting to
see it.  Damn.  Every woman on this ship had an extractor in her
bathroom cupboard.  Well, he didn't.  And there was no sense sitting
here on the toilet wishing for one.  He pulled off a wad of paper and
doubled and tripled it to stuff in his underwear to temporarily absorb
the mess.  He pulled up his trousers and headed back into his sleeping
area.  He paused.  Sickbay?  Yeah, they would have extras, wouldn't
they?

His door buzzed.  He knew that it was too early to be Spock.  God, he
hoped it wasn't Spock.  As much as he loved Spock, he wasn't prepared
to share this with him.  Not right now.  It was still too new and
unsettling.  "Yes?"

"Lieutenant Uhura, sir."

"Come."  He grabbed onto the screen divider for support when he felt
dizzy again, but he managed to display a smile when she walked in.
"What can I do for you, Nyota?"

She grinned.  "I just saw Garrovick and he said that..." She stepped
forward and grasped his arm.  "Are you OK, Captain?  You look - "

"Like I've lost some blood."  He looked down when his smile faltered.
"I don't really know how to - "

She ushered him over to his bed and practically pushed him down.  "You
just started your period, didn't you?"

"Yeah."  His voice was practically a whisper.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of."

He studied the too-small hands in his lap and attempted a grin.
"Maybe not if you're talking to your mother about it for the first
time, but if you're talking to your communications officer..."
Somehow he knew that she wanted to put her arms around him.  And he
knew that he wouldn't be able to stand it.  Not that hugging her would
be such a terrible thing.  He just didn't trust himself not to...oh,
hell, he wasn't going to cry or anything, but...

"Wait here, Jim.  I'll be back."

He sat very still staring at the door as it closed behind her, but
then he sighed and bent over carefully to pull off his boots.

---

He woke to the smell of food and the slight pressure of a
warmer-than-human hand resting on his forehead.  He didn't open his
eyes immediately.  Playing possum, his mother would call it.  The bed
shifted slightly when Spock sat down, and Jim was drawn like a magnet.
He slid over to rest his belly against Spock's thigh.  The warmth was
more soothing than the heated pillow that Nyota had lent to him, which
he'd dropped on the floor while he slept. "Ah, you are awake."
Spock's fingers slid down to caress Jim's cheek.  "Your temperature is
somewhat elevated.  Have you informed the doctor?"

His eyes still closed, Jim captured Spock's hand and kissed the
fingertips.  "My temperature always rises when you're around, Spock."

"You must eat dinner before you seduce me with your sweet words, my
Lasha." Spock's hand closed around Jim's smaller one.

Janice's breasts ached, Jim was sore "down there," and his stomach
twisted with a dull ache that wasn't quite nausea.  "I'm not hungry."

But when Jim opened his eyes, an involuntary smile spread over his
face.   Spock had showered, shaved, and replaced his uniform with a
black tunic and matching pants.  The scent of cardamom and cinnamon
tickled at Jim's  nostrils, and Jim put his hand out to stroke the
heated velvet that covered Spock's hard quadriceps.   His fingers
strayed over to trace the outline of Spock's half-erect cock.  Well,
it wasn't Spock's fault that Mother Nature was playing dirty tricks on
Jim.  And it was amazing how sexual arousal took his mind off his
troubles.  Was it the extra hormones associated with the menstrual
cycle or the fact that Spock looked so damn tempting?   "You must eat,
Jim."  Spock's tone had been firm, but the effect was spoiled by his
soft gasp at Jim's increasingly bold caresses.

"Then it's a good thing you brought me something to whet my flagging
appetite."  Tugging at the opening to Spock's pants, Jim slid over on
the bed.  "Come up here where I can reach you."

Spock's desultory protest turned into a harsh groan as Jim expertly
extracted Spock's erection and fondled the head.  Fortunately, Spock
wasn't illogical enough to wear underwear when he came to call on his
lover.

Once reclined on his back, Spock lifted slightly so Jim could strip
his pants down over his ankles, and they joined Spock's boots and
socks in a pile on the floor.  Wrapping one hand around the base of
the rapidly hardening shaft and tonguing the sensitive spot between
the two ridges, Jim caressed silk over steel and tasted the sweet,
alien spice of his lover's precum.

"Oh, Jim."  Spock's hands slid into Jim's hair.  He didn't precisely
pull Jim's head down to his groin, but it was pretty clear that Spock
had forgotten about dinner.

Accommodating Spock's generous cock in Janice's smaller mouth was not
easy, but Jim had retained enough breath control to deep-throat the
hot, hard shaft.  For this variety of fucking, a smaller throat was an
advantage, although lungs with a greater capacity would be welcome.
With one hand splayed at the base of Spock's cock, Jim slid the other
one down to manhandle Spock's balls.  His eyes closed, Jim started out
slowly, occasionally pulling the shaft completely out of his mouth to
take a deep breath, lick along the vein and tongue the leaking hole at
the head before he took the shaft all the way back in.  He gradually
increased his tempo.

Spock wasn't thrusting, probably because he was afraid of hurting Jim,
but he was writhing and he groaned Jim's name occasionally.  Jim
paused in his labors to kiss the head of Spock's cock and open his
eyes to look up into Spock's flushed, beautiful face.  Spock's eyes
were closed and his lips were slightly parted, the breath coming in
harsh exhalations, but he opened them when it registered that Jim had
paused.

His pupils had widened, so that his eyes were nearly black instead of
dark brown, and he licked his lips before he said in a hoarse whisper,
"Do you wish me to fuck you now, Jim?  If so, you must cease
stimulating me."

Jim grinned and lifted Spock's shaft so he could gently nibble one
ball and then the other.  Jim's nose pressed into the dent between the
balls, inhaling their musky odor, and his tongue gently teased at
Spock's perineum.  "Mmm, I'm going to finish you like this.  Any
objections..?"

"I wished to..." a low groan as Jim moistened a finger and slid it up
inside of Spock's rectum..."share pleasure with you, Jim."

Jim laughed softly, a puff of air against Spock's balls.  "Believe me,
I'm getting pleasure from this."  He tongued the Spock's balls again
and then ran his tongue along the underside of the shaft, following
that motion by wrapping his hand around it.  "I love your cock,
Commander.  You taste good, and you feel good in my hand.  And in my
mouth."  He proved the last statement by engulfing the head once more,
letting it nudge against the roof of his mouth.  He tongued the head
once more, slurping at the thick precum that trickled out the slit.
Withdrawing his finger from Spock's rectum and gently rolling Spock's
balls under his fingertips, Jim looked up into the dark eyes again.
"I want you to fuck my mouth."

Spock's breathing was audible in the quiet room, and he nearly moaned
when he said, "I do not wish to hurt you," but Jim's hands urged him
into position.  Spock's knees rested against Jim's armpits, and his
hands were on either side and slightly above Jim's head.  Initially,
mindful of the fragility of the mouth that suckled at his cock,
Spock's thrusts were slow and controlled, his depth of penetration
shallow.

Impulsively, Jim reached out with his mind.  //Spock.  Let me feel
what you feel.//

Spock flinched slightly and stopped moving for a moment.  //T'hy'la.
Yes,  share my pleasure.//

Then it was Jim whose cock was thrusting against the tightly gripping
hand and into the eager mouth.  His cock was on fire, but the mouth
was cool and moist.  He screwed his eyes shut, breathed in the scent
of Spock's arousal, and gripped the cool sheets in his fists.
Blindly, he thrust into the welcoming cavity, moaning his pleasure
loudly.  A cool hand squeezed his balls, then released to tease along
the crevice of his ass.  Two fingers thrust up his ass, his balls
tightened, and he spurted his seed into his lover's throat.

He lost all feeling in his legs and fell in a boneless heap

---

When he opened his eyes, Jim was flat on his back, and the fur of
Spock's chest tickled his bare forearm.  Hot lips slid from Jim's
throat to his lips, his forehead, his eyebrows, and his eyelids.

"Spock."  His voice was scratchy and his throat ached.  He swallowed
experimentally before he reached for Spock's hand.  "That
was...amazing.  It was almost as if..."

Spock went very still.  "You had your own body back.  Oh, Jim."

Spock buried his face in Jim's shoulder, rubbing his face against the
soft t-shirt that Jim had paired with boxers as his sleeping attire
for his afternoon nap.  Both garments had belonged to Jim since he was
at the Academy and, although they were slightly too large for his
present form, their familiarity was like a security blanket.

Jim stroked both hands through Spock's hair, further mussing the dark
silk.  "Thank you, Spock.  For letting me... experience ... that."  He
laughed shakily.  "It was one of the best orgasms I've had since..."

"Jim."  Spock's voice was almost a whisper.  "I regret...  I have
been...insensitive."

"Insensitive?"  Jim sat up suddenly, dumping Spock off his shoulder.
"What are you talking about?"  He looked down at his lover, who now
lay on his side facing the wall.  Jim rubbed his hand over Spock's
trembling shoulder.

Spock rolled over and gracefully sat up to face Jim.  His eyes were
very  bright.  Spock cleared his throat.  "Dr. McCoy spoke to me of
the difficulty you must be suffering.  I have been guilty
of...believing you...when you appeared to accept the situation."

"Accept?"  Jim grinned crookedly before he shook his head.  "We don't
either of us accept the situation, Spock."  He reached for Spock's
hand, and his grin faded.  "We still have to get up every day to be
the captain and first officer.  Nothing will ever get in the way of
doing my duty to this ship and for this crew.  But you know damn well
that my first waking thought in the morning and my last thought before
I go to sleep is about what we're going to do about this damn
situation."  He closed his eyes for a moment; a tremor of dizziness
rolled through his body.

"Jim?  You are not well.  Let me call the doctor."

Jim opened his eyes, and he smiled reassuringly.  "I'm OK.  Besides,
you  don't want McCoy to have a look at you like that, do you?"

Spock's eyes dropped down to his naked torso.  "I will dress, of
course."

Shaking his head, Jim said, "We need to talk, Spock.  Then I promise
if I'm still feeling bad, you can call Bones."

"Agreed."  Spock leaned against a pillow propped at the head of the
bed and settled Jim's head onto his thigh.  He stroked a hand through
Jim's hair.  "T'hy'la, we will talk about whatever you wish."

Jim closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek against his hairy pillow.  "I
love you.  And I loved sucking your cock just now."

Spock's hand stilled.  "I also enjoyed our sexual encounter."  He
paused and sighed an unVulcan sigh.  "Perhaps it is that of which we
should speak initially."

Jim opened his eyes, ran his hand up Spock's thigh, and kissed the tip
of Spock's partially erect cock.  Not necessarily a sexual gesture.
More the security of touching his love's flesh.  "Why, Spock?  Do you
regret that I seduced you that first night in Janice's body?  I know
that it was only a couple of hours after you told me that you were
confident that we would restore me to my own body.  And that's why we
should wait.  You said that it was wrong for you to touch her body.
It was like nonconsensual sex, you said."  He frowned and fixed his
eyes on the ceiling.

"I recall that discussion."  Spock licked his lip.  "At the time, it
seemed... inadvisable.  Later, I was gratified that I could give you
comfort and pleasure."  He shook his head.  "When we could not find an
expeditious solution to our dilemma, it appeared logical that we
should continue our physical relationship using the body that you had
no choice but to occupy.  There are many psychological benefits to
sharing ourselves in this way.  On reflection, however, I wonder
whether it was the best choice for you."

"It was my choice.  Don't you think that I can figure out what's best
for me?"  Jim's voice was calm as he studied Spock's face.

Spock swallowed and was silent a moment before he said, "I believed
that your motivation was initially a need for comfort and reassurance.
Later, I wondered at your ability to... improvise... as we explored
your new sexual sensations in the body of a woman."  He reached for
Jim's hand again.  "We have never spoken about what you gave
up...sexually.  I did not realize until this evening how...  I was
foolish...perhaps even selfish...not to have offered you before what
you asked for tonight.  It is possible to experience..."

Jim clutched at Spock's hand.  "No, Spock.  Don't you see?  I can't
rely on you to give me that experience.  It's so damn tempting.  What
if I wanted to make love like that every time?  I need to accept
what..."

"You said yourself that you did not accept that you will be 'trapped'
in this body the rest of your life.  What harm is there in using our
minds to allow you to experience the act of lovemaking as the man you
once were?"  Spock put his other hand out to cover Jim's hand.

"I don't know."  He reached up to brush a finger against Spock's lower
lip.  "Maybe it's part of my fear of losing myself in your mind.  It's
such a beautiful place, but I can't live there."

Spock frowned.  "You do 'live' in a part of my mind.  Our bond makes
it so.  But you would never use it to escape from your
responsibilities in the physical world."

"No, T'hy'la, I wouldn't.  But I won't deny that it's tempting."  Jim
closed his eyes.  "When you touch me, you make me whole again.  When
you're holding my hand, I forget that it's the wrong hand."

"The wrong hand?"  Spock revealed that he'd read some of the same
research that Jim had when he said, "You are referring to your
struggle with your gender identity.  Are you ready to speak of that?"

Jim sighed and rolled onto his back.  He placed Spock's hand on his
lower belly and covered it with his own.  The heat felt good.  "It's
not about just my gender identity.  Not that I'm totally thrilled with
being a woman --  well, not today anyway."

Spock drew soothing circles with his palm on Jim's belly.  "Why today?
What is different about today?"

"Promise you won't laugh?"

Spock's eyebrow jumped.

And Jim was the one who laughed.  "I know.  That was a stupid
question."  He frowned and covered Spock's hand with his own.  "I
started my menstrual cycle, and I'm suffering from cramps.  They're
better now, but the dizziness and the slight fever...well, Nyota says
all that stuff is normal for some women."

"Shall I call the doctor?"

"God, no.  I don't want McCoy near me.  Can you imagine how he'd tease
me?"  Jim sat up quickly.

"He is very concerned about you.  He would not 'tease' you."

Settling Spock's arm around his waist, Jim leaned against Spock's
side.  "No, of course not."  He fell silent and ran his fingers along
Spock's hairy outer thigh.

"Jim, how can I help?  I do not wish for you to suffer."

He stroked his fingers along Spock's groin, feeling the warmth and the
slight throb of Spock's pulse.  "I read some about gender identity,
Spock, but it seems to be about people who are born in a body they
feel is the wrong gender.  And what they're willing to do to bring
their body into congruence with who they are.  It doesn't really
capture how I feel.  About this."

"Tell me what you feel, Jim."

Jim smiled a soft smile.  "When I woke up in Janice's body, I groaned
to  myself and said, 'not again.'  I guess the average guy would have
a pretty strong reaction to suddenly being in someone else's body.
But, for me, somehow it seemed like all in a day's work."

"Explain."

"Remember Sargon?  When he took over my body, I was in that energy
sphere. Yeah, that was worse than this, believe it.  I couldn't touch
you.  I sensed you, but it's not the same."  Jim intertwined his
fingers in Spock's and held on tight.  "But it was for a worthwhile
goal.  Part of the mission."

Studying their joined hands, Jim said, "And I remember when Garth
duplicated my body.  It was disconcerting to see someone else walking
around in my body and intending to use it to do evil.  And you didn't
recognize which one was *me.*  Not right away."

Jim took a deep breath and then expelled it almost as a moan.  "And
the  transporter accident.  Two of me again.  I retained the memories
from both of me, of course.  I hated the 'wolf' side, but I also...
Isn't it strange that you told me that the wolf was just as much a
part of me, too, but you never spoke to him?"

Spock turned pale, remembering.  "Jim, I..."

"It's OK."  Jim squeezed Spock's fingers.  "I hated what my wolf tried
to do to Rand, but I'm glad he didn't go to you."

"Why?"  Spock stopped breathing for a moment.

"I wanted you even back then, but my wolf was afraid.  But he wasn't
afraid of Rand.  We talked about it later.  She's a remarkable person,
Spock."  Jim rubbed his jaw, remembering the right cross that Rand had
given him, which had made them both feel a helluva lot better.

"I did wish that your 'wolf' had come to me instead of to Miss Rand,"
Spock whispered.

"No, Spock.  It might have ruined things between us."  Jim shuddered
at the thought.  Rand had fought the wolf when he'd tried to assault
her, but how would Spock have reacted?  Of course, Spock had five
times Rand's physical strength, but...  Jim opened his eyes, so that
he was looking at Spock instead of the picture inside his mind.

"Like I said, you didn't see him as your friend.  In spite of what you
said about him being part of me, you didn't see *me* in him."  Jim
took another shuddering breath.  "And I'm wondering, what if you
hadn't been able to see me this time either?  I wouldn't have either
you or my ship.  Just like the wolf.  What would have happened to me?"
He shook his head.  "No, I've been through worse experiences than
waking up in Janice Lester's body.  Hasn't made me insane yet."  Jim
slid his free hand along Spock's thigh again.  "But it is awful being
inside of a body that isn't mine."

Spock burrowed against Jim's t-shirt clad shoulder and inhaled deeply.
"That is what you felt when you first woke up.  Is it different now?"

"Yes.  Now that I've been here a while, it's not another one of my
crazy  'going boldly where no man has gone before' experiences."  Jim
extricated himself from Spock's arms and stretched out on the bed,
resting his cheek on Spock's thigh but facing away this time.  "Now,
it's more like Chris Pike."

"I do not understand."  Spock reached out to rub the back of Jim's
neck  soothingly.  Then he caught his breath.  "I believe I see."

Jim nodded rubbing his cheek against Spock's thigh.  "A terrible
accident has trapped me in my partially functioning body, and I'm
hoping the my brilliant science officer can come up with something to
get me out of this."

"Jim," Spock whispered.  "I am attempting..."

Jim's hand came up to curl around the warm hand against the back of
his neck.  "I know, Spock.  You're doing what you can.  I didn't mean
it that way.  And how can I complain?  What happened to Chris is far
worse!  At least I can live a fairly normal life.  God, I feel guilty
for comparing myself to a handicapped person because of this.  It
sounds so awful.  Handicapped by being a woman.  It's just...that's
how this feels."

"I can take you to Talos.  If the other possibilities do not work and
that is what you want, perhaps..."  Spock's other hand covered Jim's.
"I would do anything..."

Jim turned to stare at him, wide-eyed.  "Talos?  No, of course that's
not what I want."  Then he smiled.  "Oh, I see what you mean."  He
shook his head.  "No, the answer to our problem isn't the same as the
answer for Chris Pike.  I just meant it's a similar situation.  Like
you said, you'd do anything.  Steal a starship if that's what it
takes.  I'm speaking metaphorically, of course, Spock.  Don't do
anything against regulations without checking with me first, OK?"

Spock took a deep breath.  "Affirmative."

Jim's smile widened.  "I *know* we can beat this.  We'll find a
solution.  You and me together."  Jim kissed the tip of Spock's cock
again, and gently ran a finger along the underside, watching it spring
to life again.

"I do not think that additional sexual stimulation..."  Spock's words
trailed off, and he moaned softly as Jim continued to fondle his cock.

"Jim?'  His voice sounded harsh.  "I miss..."  He cleared his throat,
but then turned his head away.

"My cock?  You miss sucking it?  You miss getting fucked with it?"

"I do."  Spock's voice was barely a whisper, and his head hung down.

"I know, Spock.  I know how tough this is for you."  Jim shook his
head.  "I thought about having surgery.  So at least you would have a
male lover again.  For me, too, of course."

Spock rolled himself flat on the bed and pulled Jim into his arms.
"It would not be - "

"The same.  I know."  Jim reached behind to stroke his hand over the
side of Spock's face.  "I'm not crazy about the idea.  There's also
the fact that this body is still Janice's.  I can't help thinking of
it that way.  That I'm just occupying it temporarily.  And it seems
wrong to do that to a body that doesn't really belong to me.  I even
felt guilty about cutting her hair until Nyota convinced me.  Am I
wrong to be concerned about mutilating Janice's body?  When she had no
compunction about doing what she did to me."

"No," Spock said into Jim's neck.  "You are a highly principled
person."  He was silent for a moment.  "In addition, the surgery is
rather complex and..."

"Mmm, you read about it, too, Spock?"

"We agreed to explore all possibilities."

"We just haven't talked about that particular possibility."

"Our goal is to restore you to your own body.  We are not yet ready to
talk about less desirable alternatives."

"I know.  Chopping off Janice's breasts and attaching a new cock on
this  body...well, it may solve some of my troubles, but it's not my
preferred  solution."  Jim lifted Spock's hand from his belly and
kissed it before he sat up.  "I'm feeling better now.  How about
dinner?"   Spock sat up, too.  "It will be cold."

Jim smiled.  "We can either eat it cold or go down to the mess.  Your
choice, First Officer."

"I would prefer to remain here."

"Good choice."  Jim leaned over to kiss Spock's mouth swiftly before
he stood up.

---

"I'm pleased with how the negotiations turned out, of course.  The
Trions are a valuable addition to the Federation.  But I'm not looking
forward to the reception tomorrow night.  I don't know what I'm going
to wear."  He laughed.  "I never imagined myself saying that!"  Jim
put down his fork and looked across to where Spock was pushing the
food around on his plate.  "Spock?  You're not even listening to me,
are you?"

Spock's head came up.  "I am listening.  As you know, I am able to
process multiple concepts simultaneously."  His own fork dropped onto
the plate with an uncharacteristic clatter, and he gripped his hands
together in his lap.  "I presently have no leads in my search for a
similar mechanism to the one that Dr. Lester used to steal your body."
He paused for a long time before he expelled his breath.

Jim stood up and came around the desk to stand behind Spock's chair.
Peeling the robe down from Spock's shoulders, he began to knead the
tensed muscles.  "I'm sorry.  About what I said before.  About
counting on my brilliant science officer.  I didn't intend to make you
feel guilty about not being able to find a quick solution."

"No apology is necessary."  Spock said before he closed his eyes and
leaned back into Jim's touch.  "You are generally successful when you
use such methods -- building self-confidence frequently inspires
improved performance in your subordinates."

Jim smiled faintly and dug into the muscles a little harder.
"Remember when you offered to take leave?  To work on this thing
full-time?  Well, I'm selfish enough that I would have taken you up on
it if they hadn't let me keep the Enterprise.  I'm equally selfish
when I insisted that you stay in your present position.  I need you as
my first officer."  He leaned over to kiss the tip of Spock's ear and
murmured, "And I need you at night to hold me while I sleep."

Spock reached up to clasp one of Jim's hands.  "That will be
sufficient for now."

After a moment, Jim realized that Spock was talking about the massage.
He rearranged the robe around Spock's neck before he came around to
sit on the edge of his desk.  "Command has kept us busy, so you
haven't had a lot of time.  I guess I was hoping that if we both
worked on it..."  He shook his head.  "I know I haven't been a lot of
help - "

"I have always found your review of my work to be valuable.  You
frequently identify random elements that would otherwise have been
missed."  Spock pushed their dinner plates out of the way and turned
Jim's computer to face his side of the desk.  Jim scooted over to give
Spock more room.

Spock's shoulders straightened, his fingers flew over the keyboard,
and his eyes narrowed in concentration.  After a minute, he leaned
back in his chair and pointed a long, slender finger at the display.
"You have reviewed my latest report?"

Rubbing his hand on his jaw, Jim said, "I did."  Leaning forward
slightly, he read through it again, silently.  Wished for a leap of
inspiration.  Wished that the hormones that surged through his body
would give him some additional edge.  Some of that female intuition
that he'd always heard about.  Finally, he straightened with a sigh
and stumbled over to plop down into the chair behind his desk.  "You
were damn thorough.  And I don't see any other leads either."

Spock steepled his fingers on the desk and studied the display.
"Perhaps because there are none."

"We've chased everything down, Spock, and the trail's cold."  Jim
said,  almost angrily, fingering the frayed hem of his too-large
T-shirt.  He stared down at the unraveling fabric until it became
blurry.

"Jim?" Spock voice was very quiet.  Seating himself on the edge of the
desk closest to Jim's chair, he gently loosened Jim's grip on his
T-shirt hem and clasped that hand between both of his own.

Lifting his chin, Jim met Spock's eyes.  "I'm OK."

"Pursuant to our agreement that both of us will not be discouraged at
the same time?"  Spock's expression was so bleak that it took Jim a
moment to realize that the Vulcan was teasing him.

The edges of his mouth turned up in a grin.  "I don't remember signing
any such agreement, Mr. Spock."  He stood up, disengaging his hand
from Spock's.

He walked into his sleeping area, turned, and walked back into his
work area.  When he reached the bulkhead, he turned again.  Striking
his palm with his other fist, he snapped, "We have to find another
way.  First, we tried to use the device that she originally used, but
that was ineffective.  We couldn't figure out how it worked, so we
didn't have a clue as to how she broke it or how to fix it."

Crossing his arms on his chest, Spock said, "No, that was not our
first step."

Jim turned to gaze at Spock.  "Tell me."

"You recall the mind touch that I performed when we were in the brig?"

"Yes."  Jim's eyes lit up.  "I was temporarily back in my own body."
He  frowned.  "Spock, you tried doing it again later.  You tried until
it made you sick.  You scared the hell out of me, and I won't risk you
hurting yourself.  Not even for this."  He started to pace again, his
voice gradually rising.  "For the last two weeks, starting with what
was left of Janice's research files, you've been searching anything
that even remotely related to the phenomenon of personality
transference, hoping to turn up some thread.  But we've gotten
nowhere."

Jim rubbed his temples with both hands.  "Every wild rumor, every
crazy  speculation..."  He paused, leaning against the screen divider,
and squared his shoulders.  "We have to concede that she's beaten us.
She destroyed all the clues before she attacked me.  I'm not good at
admitting defeat, but...  I'll do more research about the transgender
surgery, Spock.  I have to decide whether it's worth it to go through
all that.  It still won't be my body.  It will be a male version of
Janice's body."  His voice was harsh with anger.

"Jim, no."  Spock crossed the room to stand beside Jim.  "I did not
intend to discuss this with you until I had more information.  I have
located a Vulcan healer who may be willing to assist us.  She is
stronger mentally than I.  It is possible that she could succeed where
I have failed."

He didn't turn to look at Spock immediately.  "What do we have to do?"
He flattened his hands on the divider and stared at them.  They were
so small.  Not really his hands at all.  He swallowed and said softly,
"We'll need to talk to Janice.  I don't know what the rules are about
seeing her while she's in rehabilitation.  Maybe she'll have a change
of heart and be willing to cooperate."  He stood still, placing those
hands over his eyes for a minute.

When he dropped his hands from his eyes, Jim stood up a little
straighter and turned to smile at Spock.  "OK, Spock, let's do it.  Do
we need to take the healer there?  How soon will she do it?  How long
will it take?"

Spock let out his breath in a soft sigh, and a faint smile appeared in
his eyes.  "I do not have all of the answers yet, but I believe that
we should bring Dr. Lester to Vulcan.  As soon as T'Elian receives
approval to do this, we can make the arrangements."

With a soft chuckle, Jim placed one arm around Spock's waist and used
his other hand to pull Spock's head down to kiss his mouth.  "I don't
know how to thank you."  He kissed him again.  "You are amazing.  I
love you."

Spock made a soft sound against Jim's hair that could have been a
laugh.  If Vulcans were given to laughing.  "Do not thank me yet.
There are still many unknowns."

"I should be mad at you for not telling me sooner." But Jim was
grinning.

"In truth, I intended to wait until the arrangements were farther
along."  He tightened his arms around Jim.  "But I could not wait.  I
could see that you needed to know."

"My brilliant science officer," Jim said against Spock's shoulder.

"As I said, there are many unknowns..."  His voice trailed off, and he
held Jim silently.

The silence was interrupted by a whistle from the comm unit.  Jim
brushed a quick kiss against Spock's collarbone before he stepped to
the desk.  "Kirk here."

"Communications officer, sir.  I have a message for you.  From
Ambassador Sarek."

Jim gave Spock a 'what the hell' glance before he said, "Very good,
Lieutenant.  Pipe it down here."

"Yes, sir."

Sarek's face replaced the lieutenant's on Jim's viewscreen.  Despite
the fact that he knew it was a taped message and, therefore, Sarek
couldn't see him, Jim smoothed back his hair and stood a little
straighter.

"Captain Kirk, I have been able to arrange transport and will be
arriving tomorrow.  My aide will send full information in a separate
message.  Captain, your performance in this matter has been
satisfactory.  Welcoming the Trions into the Federation merits the
attendance of a full ambassador."  Sarek paused.  "Inform your first
officer that his mother is in good health.  Ambassador Sarek out."

Jim sank down into his chair and let out a low whistle.

"Indeed," Spock said, crossing his arms on his chest.

Leaning back in his chair, Jim studied Spock.  "I don't mind telling
you that I'm terrified about seeing him.  Why do you think he's
coming?"

"To welcome the Trions into the Federation," Spock said with a
straight face.

"Very funny."  Jim drummed his fingers on his desk.  "Well, now I
really have to worry about that thing we were talking about earlier."

Spock lifted an eyebrow.  "Jim, there is zero possibility that you
will  regain your own body before Sarek arrives tomorrow."

"That's not what I meant."  Jim leaned forward to touch the comm unit.
"Captain Kirk to Lieutenant Uhura."

Spock's eyebrow climbed higher.  When Uhura's face appeared, Jim said,
"Nyota, I need your help.  I don't have a clue what to wear to this
reception tomorrow.  I don't think my dress uniform resized to fit
Janice's body will do the trick.  I want to look..." He hesitated and
threw a glance over his shoulder at Spock.

"Absolutely stunning, Jim?"  Uhura laughed.  "I can arrange that."

---

The End