The BLTS Archive- The Opening Door
#8: The Dohlman's Tears
by Isla (islaofhope@aol.com)

---

This is the *real* sequel to my last story 'Manipulation.'

"The Dohlman's Alternative," which I also posted to the newsgroup, is
an  alternative (and rather angsty) sequel to "Manipulation."  This
first part is somewhat similar to the first part of "Alternative."  I
hope you'll stick around for the important differences!

Disclaimer:  Star Trek and its characters all belong to Paramount,
Viacom, and Rick Berman.  I'm just borrowing the characters for a
little while.  Sometimes, I don't treat 'em very nice, but I usually
show them a good time before I bring them back.   This is fan fiction.
I won't make any money from it.

This dedicated to Hafital who questioned me why Spock is always the
one who has affairs in my stories.  As a result, this story appeared
in my head.  When she looked at the draft, she said, 'that's nice, but
I want some more details.' My other beta readers were T'Aaneli,
Roisin, Jat Sapphire, Greywolf, Kaki, and Carola.  (Many of them also
looked at "The Dohlman's Alternative" but I didn't want to incriminate
them for that story.)  They all inspired me to make this story what it
is. They also told me when I missed the mark.  And I usually listened.

Okay to archive, but please contact me before archiving anywhere
except  ASCEM.

Please send feedback.  I'll even take negative feedback - gets my
creative juices going.

---

"Stop fussing over me, Doctor."  The Troyaan ambassador was not the
first patient to be irritated by Leonard McCoy's bedside manner.
"It's your captain that you should be concerned about.  Not me."

This comment caught my attention, and my eyes met McCoy's across the
biobed.  I was in Sickbay to discuss the monthly medical research
status report when the ambassador was brought in, bleeding copiously
from a knife wound.  My interest was due to my duty as first officer
to investigate any act of violence on the Enterprise.

McCoy eyed his patient.  "What do you mean by that?  Didn't the
security  guard get the knife away from her?"  And then more softly to
me, he said, "I wouldn't worry.  Jim wouldn't have any trouble
disarming the Dohlman if she attacked him."

I did not point out that the doctor already had possession of the
knife in question - he had taken it out of the ambassador before he
started cleaning the wound.  Instead, I addressed the ambassador.  "Do
you consider the Dohlman to be generally dangerous, or was there a
specific incident that led her to attack you, Ambassador?"

The ambassador turned his furious eyes from McCoy to me.  "This knife
wound is nothing.  It's her tears that are the real threat.  I knew
she wouldn't use her tears on me, but with your captain, she may just
try it."  He stretched his arm out, perhaps testing for pain in his
limbs.  "And you should be concerned.  If she infects him with her
tears, we could all be in a lot of trouble."

The doctor slammed his medi-scanner into his opposite hand.  "I knew I
should have performed a complete physical on her!  Why didn't you tell
me when you brought her on board that she had some kind of disease?"

Surprisingly, the ambassador smiled at this.  "I doubt that your beads
and rattles would have detected this, doctor.  No, the infection that
the Dohlman carries - indeed, all of the females of her species carry
- is the ability to make any man fall in love with her.  It's a
biochemical reaction caused by their tears."

I lifted an eyebrow at that.  "Fascinating.  You are characterizing
'falling in love' as a biochemical reaction?  My experience is
somewhat limited, but I am unfamiliar with such a phenomenon. "

McCoy frowned. "Well, if you think about it, scent is an element of
physical attraction, and that would certainly be considered
biochemical."

I met McCoy's eyes again.  "I would consider what humans call 'falling
in love' to be more of an intellectual reaction between two people."

McCoy waved a dismissive hand at me.  "You would, wouldn't you,
Spock?"

The ambassador sat up on the bio-bed.  "Are you two going to stand
here all day arguing about the attributes of love and physical
attraction?  Or are you going to warn your captain?"

McCoy snorted.  "I wouldn't worry about our captain falling in love
with your Dohlman.  I know that Jim Kirk has something of a
reputation, but it's exaggerated.  He hasn't fallen in love with any
of his passengers in some time. Isn't that right, Spock?"

Were I human, I may have answered the doctor's comments with a snort
of my own.  Instead, I directed my response to the ambassador.  "I
will require more information before I discuss this with the captain."

The ambassador shrugged, wincing slightly at a reminder of the knife
wound.  "I'm sure that there's research available about it, but don't
delay.  She's a very intelligent, if somewhat crude, woman.  It
shouldn't take her long to figure out that bewitching a starship
captain would give her access to a great deal of power."

I was skeptical of the ambassador's claims, but I said, "I will act on
your suggestion immediately, Ambassador."  I walked out to McCoy's
office to initiate a search on his computer.

McCoy joined me after the ambassador left Sickbay.  He stood watching
me for a moment.  Apparently, the doctor can sense my disquiet far
more clearly than I realize.  His smile faded, and he shifted from one
foot to the other as he watched me read. "Anything, Spock?"

"Yes, there is actually a large body of research on the phenomenon in
general, and ten lengthy papers that deal specifically with the
biochemical effects of tears of the female of the Dohlman's species."

"Well, like the ambassador said, we don't have all day. We should warn
Jim even if it's poppycock.  He'll just laugh, don't you think?"
"Fortunately, Doctor, I read quickly, and I have already come to the
conclusion that the risk is great enough that it is our duty to warn
him."  I keyed the comm unit on the doctor's desk.  "Spock to bridge.
Is the captain there?"

Lt. Uhura responded.  "Bridge, sir.  No, Mr. Spock, the captain hasn't
returned from the Dohlman's quarters.  He called me from there about
an hour ago to say that he was taking over her training because the
ambassador was incapacitated."

"Understood.  Spock out."

McCoy frowned at me.  "You don't really think that Jim is -"

"Is susceptible to a 'biochemical' reaction?  Why would you assume
that he was immune?  Naturally, he has sufficient strength of will
that it will not affect his command performance.  However, I would
prefer he not be subjected to the emotional side effects that would be
inevitable with something of this nature."  I keyed the comm unit
again.  "Spock to Captain."

When there was no answer from the Dohlman's quarters, McCoy said,
"Maybe they aren't there anymore."

"Or perhaps he is too distracted to answer."  I was annoyed with
myself for the picture that was forming in my brain.  I mentally shook
my head to clear it.  "Would you care to accompany me, Doctor?"

"Yeah, I'm coming with you."

Neither of us spoke as we made the journey to the guest quarters.  I
buzzed the door and waited for an answer.

When there was no answer, the doctor said, "Emergency medical
override?"

My period of irresolution was undetectable, I am quite sure.  Perhaps
my  captain would be angry with me, but I considered that it was
necessary to take that risk.  "Agreed."

The door slid open to reveal my captain locked in a fervent embrace
with the Dohlman.  He initially did not notice our presence.  McCoy
began to walk into the cabin, but then came to a dead halt.  I felt
cold inside.

"Captain."  My voice sounded sharp to my own ears.

Surprisingly, the one word was sufficient to attract his notice.  He
broke the embrace, but he did not remove his hand from around her
waist when he turned to stare at us.  The look on his face was not
angry - rather he appeared bewildered.

The doctor glanced at me before he spoke.  "Um, Jim, can we see you
outside?"

My captain did not respond but continued to stare at us.

"Captain, we must see you outside."  My voice was quiet.  After a
moment, he nodded once, glanced at the Dohlman apologetically before
releasing her, and led us out into the corridor.

When he still said nothing, McCoy said, "Did she cry Jim?  Did her
tears get on you?"

He did not respond, but he turned to me when I said, "Captain.  Her
tears.  Did you allow her tears to come in contact with your skin?"

He looked down at his hand, almost accusingly, presumably at the
physical location where her tears had contacted his skin.  "Yes.  Yes,
they did.  I don't understand."

I related to him what the ambassador had told us about the infection
that the Dohlman's tears carried and the results of our study of
related research papers.

He continued to stare at his hand, but then looked up at me.  "Spock,
I'm sorry.  I don't know - "

"Well, we need to get busy."  McCoy grabbed my captain by his arm and
started to pull him towards the turbolift.  "I need to run some tests
on you, Jim.  The ambassador says it's an infection, so all we have to
do is come up with an antidote."

My captain looked from me to the closed door of the guest quarters.
The look of longing on his face as he looked at that door caused a
sensation that I imagined was not unlike that of a hand squeezing my
heart.

Inexplicably, I found myself unable to spend another moment in his
presence.  "I will see you on the bridge, sir, after the doctor has
completed his tests."  I turned to walk in the opposite direction.

---

"There is no antidote, Mr. Spock."  The ambassador looked at me with
what I believed was smug satisfaction.  Illogically, I found myself
wishing to wipe it from his face.  "Don't you think they've tried for
centuries?"  His voice was increasingly unpleasant.  "Can you imagine
the effect that this power of the female has on their culture?"

McCoy looked up from the padd in his hand.  "He may be right, Spock.
I'm not planning to give up, but maybe I should add another team to
work on it."

"How will you explain the purpose of this research?  Have you
considered how this would affect his command image if this phenomenon
became general knowledge?"   I shook my head.  "The antidote is not my
first concern.  Once we deliver the Dohlman to Troyius, the matter
will be closed."

I did not look at McCoy's face.  What I understood as concern and
sympathy roughened his voice.  "What about you, Spock?  What effect
does this have on you?"

"I am unaware of what you refer to." I walked out of his office
without a further word.

---

Returning to Deck Five late in the ship's night, I paused outside my
captain's quarters.   I raised my hand to touch the buzzer but I
dropped it again and I stood motionless for a moment.  Although I had
not signaled my presence, the door slid open.

My captain, my beloved, was seated behind the desk.  He did not stand
up to greet me with his customary embrace and kiss, but, instead,
offered me a slight smile of welcome.  "I'm glad you came, Spock.  I
thought you might be angry with me."

"As you are no doubt aware, Captain, Vulcans are not capable of
anger."

He lifted both of his eyebrows, and his smile widened fractionally.
"Yes.  I wonder how I could have forgotten that."

But then his smile faded, and he looked away from me, towards his
computer. "I read the research papers that you forwarded to me.  I
wouldn't have believed this if I weren't actually experiencing it."
He glanced back at me and gestured at the chair across from him.  "Are
you going to sit down and stay a while?"

I seated myself and reached across the desk to grasp his hand.  He
looked down at our joined hands in silence for a moment.  "I love
you," he said.  I had to lean closer to hear his voice.

"Affirmative."  After another moment of silence, I said, "T'hy'la,
tell me what you are feeling."

Remembering that he had looked at the back of his hand in
bewilderment, I placed two fingers on the spot where I believed the
Dohlman's tears had touched his skin.

He raised his eyes to me.  "I'm scared, Spock.  I don't know what she
did, but I feel like she ripped out part of my soul."

"Illogical.  You do not *feel* any different to me."

Watching his face, I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed each of
his  fingers separately.  His lack of reaction troubled me.  We were
lovers but not yet bonded.  Although we were very attuned mentally,
our physical connection was usually even stronger than our mental
connection.  Now, he did not react to my touch.

I released his hand to stand up and walk around the desk.  He stood up
to meet me with his arms open.  His arms slid around my waist; his
mouth met mine in an open-mouthed kiss.  For a minute, I savored the
taste of his mouth and the feel of his body pressed against mine.  His
scent was somehow different, but I did not question as I breathed it
in, and felt my own body become aroused.  When our mouths parted, my
hands continued to caress the pliant muscles of his shoulders.

"Damn."  His voice, full of sadness, startled me, and I released him.

"Jim, do not be concerned."   Despite my words, I was as unsettled as
he to discover that  he did not desire me.  I had felt the answering
warmth in his mind, but his body, pressed against mine, had shown no
arousal.

He backed away and looked into my eyes.  "I'm looking at you, and I
know that I love you.  I know that you are everything that I want.
Everything that I need.  I also remember how your touch always made me
feel.  So unsettled and full of heat.

"But just now when you touched my hand, I didn't even feel it.  All I
can feel is where her tears burned me.  I didn't notice it at the
time, but now it's all I feel.  She's awful.  I can't imagine wanting
to spend my life with her."

I reminded myself that his lack of desire was not truly a problem. For
a  Vulcan, the mental connection is primary. If he permitted my touch
and  someday was willing to join with me mentally, that would be
sufficient. The fact that we had not yet bonded also meant that I was
free to choose another if he no longer wanted me.  I should feel no
disquiet.  Then why was I so troubled?

He was unable to stand still, and he started to pace his quarters.
Three steps one way.  Three steps back.  Turn again and repeat.  He
stopped and looked at me, an idea lighting up his eyes.  "Remember
that thing you did with Rayna?  Can't you touch my mind now and make
me forget how I feel about Elaan?"

My breath came out in an involuntary gasp.  We had never spoken of
this.  I still felt shame that I had invaded his mind without his
permission despite the altruism of my motives.  But now was not the
time to talk of my shame.  His agitated movements told me that he
required quick answers.  Indeed, he had spoken to me as he would to
his first officer, and I was duty-bound to provide an answer.  It was
a comfortable place for both of us to retreat.

"I cannot answer that question with any degree of certainty.  As you
said, your reaction is physical, and intellectually, you are not
attracted to her.  In addition, I resist the idea of interfering with
your mind.  I was wrong to do it then."  He showed no reaction to my
confession, so I continued.  "I do not know that it would work now
even if I felt that it was a safe course of action.  The mind touch is
not intended to be used so."  I shook my head.  "I will not influence
your memories and your desires."

He stopped in his pacing to stare at me.  "But if you did it before to
win me, why wouldn't you do it again to keep me?"

I gripped my hands behind my back.  What did he believe that I had
done to him?  "I did it only to remove a memory that was painful to
you - and to remove emotions that I believed were unfairly induced in
you.  I do not believe that there is any connection between my
removing those memories and the emotions that you discovered you felt
for me several months later."

"Yeah, I didn't think so either, but, under the circumstances, I
thought it was worth asking." He massaged the back of his neck.
"Doesn't it make a difference if I'm willing, Spock?"   Before we
could continue this line of discussion, he was interrupted by a signal
from his comm unit.  I could not name the emotion in his eyes as he
turned back to his desk to answer the call.  But then I realized: it
was fear.  "Kirk here."

The Dohlman's voice floated from the comm unit.  "James, I am
waiting."

"Elaan, I can't.  I have duties."

"Come when you can."   He switched off the comm unit and turned to
meet my eyes.  "Spock, you have to help me."  He walked back to stand
in front of me, took my hand, and placed it on his temple.  "We've
been lovers for months.  I thought you wanted more, and I know that I
want it, too."

I knew that he was referring to a bonding, a joining of our minds that
signaled a permanent commitment.  I felt joy at his words, but cold
reason stifled that joy, and I shook my head.  "I cannot. The bonding
is not meant for this.  It must be your carefully considered choice.
You must be free to act as you choose."

His face lost all emotion, and he stepped away.  "Fine.  I'm free.
I'm free of the man that I love.  But I'm a prisoner of a woman that I
despise."  He walked out the door.

Perhaps I should have gone after him, but I found myself unable to
move from the spot where I was standing.  I also did not wish to
consider the fact that he was clearly in a state of arousal after
speaking with the Dohlman.

---

In the next week, we did not meet alone.  We talked daily in the line
of  duty.  We treated each other with careful respect and gave no sign
to our shipmates that there was any estrangement between us.  We met
for dinner daily in the mess hall, but neither of us mentioned the
Dohlman.

---

He was not on the bridge when the Klingon bird of prey appeared.  He
was  spending much of his time in with the Dohlman, ostensibly, in
training her in Troyaan rules of etiquette.   At one point, I
recommended that he select another teacher, but he had looked at me
with a sad smile and said, "No, Spock, I've already been exposed.
There's no reason to expose anyone else."

We tracked the course of the bird of prey for several minutes before I
decided to summon him.  "Bridge to Captain."  There was no response
from him. "Captain, this is Spock..  Come in please."

A long pause.  "Kirk here."  I barely recognized his voice.  He
sounded  sleepy.  Worse than that.  He sounded as though he were in
the grip of a  dream from which he could not wake.

"Respectfully request your presence on the bridge, Captain. We have a
situation that requires your attention."   Silence, and then his voice
again, with a coolly professional tone.  "I'll be right there, Mr.
Spock."

I did not look at him when he appeared on the bridge; nor did I look
at him while I made my report.  I sensed that I gained his complete
attention when I reported the presence of the bird of prey shadowing
us.  I also reported the odd transmission that appeared to come from
the bowels of the Enterprise.      I remained on the bridge when he
raced down to Engineering to meet Security.  I continued to
concentrate on the readings from the Klingon bird of prey.  At one
point, he called the bridge.  "Spock.  We have a prisoner.  We need
you to perform a mind meld."

I showed no sign of astonishment at this highly inappropriate request.
I considered carefully what I would say to him, knowing that my
refusal would have to be made publicly, but I also thought of what I
would say to him when we were next alone.

I heard the whine of a phaser.  "Never mind, Spock."  It was
regrettable that the prisoner had committed suicide, but some part of
me felt relief that I would not be expected to mentally intrude on the
prisoner.  Perhaps, he had been bluffing when he had called me to make
his request.

Shortly after he returned to the bridge, she appeared.  I knew that
she  distracted him.  When I suggested that she did not belong on the
bridge, he took his eyes off her to fasten them on me, but he did not
ask her to leave.  However, her presence was not completely
disastrous.  Her necklace, I found, was made of dilithium crystals.
We used those crystals to replace those we had lost.

Fortunately, I was able to convince him to send her to Sickbay before
the actual battle began.  With her off the bridge, he was
undistracted.  He was able to defeat the Klingons, and we continued to
Troyius to unencumber ourselves of the Dohlman without further
incident.

McCoy did discover an antidote, but he did not bring it to the bridge
until after the Dohlman was gone.  By then, it was no longer
necessary.  My captain had returned to his duty, his appearance
revealing nothing of the last several days of emotional upheaval.  I
stood behind him on the bridge, watching his unnaturally-still face as
he gave the order to leave orbit.  To McCoy I said, "The captain has
found his own antidote.  He was infected with the Enterprise long
before the Dohlman's tears touched him."

---

We'd tried to talk while it was all going on, but it scared me when my
body wouldn't even respond to him.  I knew that the lovemaking that
I'd shared with him in the last few months was amazing, life-changing.
What I'd done with Elaan didn't even come close.  Heck, maybe it was
some weird mental overreaction to my fear of commitment that I'd let
my body respond with Elaan and not with Spock.  But Elaan certainly
wasn't where my mind - and my heart - wanted to be.

I was scared as hell to go to him.  Maybe he'd throw me out.  I could
hardly blame him.  I'd been telling him for the last three months that
I loved him, and I even told him that I wanted to make a permanent
commitment.  But the first woman that comes along, what do I do?  I
fall into her bed.  Damn, I was mad at myself.   Why didn't I have
more control?  Yeah, I read the research papers.  I think I understood
the biochemistry of it, but, loving Spock the way I did, why had I
allowed this to happen?

It would've been easy to just tell myself that he could never forgive
me and avoid him until the memory faded.  It was hard to face him.
But that's what adults do.  They admit their mistakes.  They say that
they're sorry.  Not talking to him about it would have been a worse
betrayal than sleeping with her.  Well, at least that's the way I saw
it.  I didn't actually know how he would see it.

So, the day after we delivered the Dohlman, I went to his quarters.
He let me in, but he didn't glance up from his computer immediately.
The stiffness of his shoulders told me that he knew that it was me
standing there.

"Spock."  I stood by his desk, waiting.

Finally, he did look up.  "Captain, what can I do for you?"  His voice
was so cool and even that I almost wanted to run away.  But what else
could I expect?  There was no reason for him to welcome me with open
arms.

"I wanted to talk to you."  I forced myself to meet his eyes without
flinching.  "I want to apologize."

It seemed like forever before he answered.  "Unnecessary.  You are not
responsible for what happened."

I didn't like how calm he looked.  I almost shouted at him to break
into his complacency.  "Don't say that!  Of course, I'm responsible
for what I did."

He steepled his fingers on the desk, but didn't seem to react to my
misplaced anger.  "As I understand it, you were infected by her tears
and were unable to resist 'falling in love' with her."

I felt my anger draining away, and I felt very tired.  How could he
think that?  "Don't be ridiculous.  I wasn't in love with her.  I love
you."

His gaze on me did not waver, and his expression was impassive.  "Your
actions proved otherwise."

Damn, I really had lost him.  I had been scared to move our friendship
to this level and now I knew exactly what I had been afraid of.  I had
to salvage our friendship.  I was willing to admit my fault, do
anything to make it up to him.  "I am completely ashamed of myself.  I
don't blame you if you don't forgive me."  But I couldn't resist
telling him again what he meant to me.  "I just wanted to let you know
that you're wrong."

He lifted an eyebrow in inquiry and said nothing, but I felt like I
had his full attention.

"It's not the Enterprise that I'm infected with.  It's you."  I took
another deep breath.  "I went to see McCoy; I was going to let him try
the antidote that he came up with, but I realized that I didn't need
it."

I let the naked pleading show in my eyes.  "I don't know what I can do
to even begin to make it up to you."

I didn't know how he would react to my apology.  Some people think
that an apology is a sign of weakness.  Vulcans say that apologies are
illogical.  Something flickered in his eyes.  Maybe I was seeing only
what I wanted to see, but I thought I knew the moment that he decided
we'd both suffered enough.

When he stood up, and walked around the desk, my breath caught in my
throat.  He was so damn gorgeous.  It was ship's night, and he had
already removed his blue science tunic.  He stood before me in his
black regulation t-shirt and his uniform pants that hugged him in all
the right places. Long, lean, lightly muscled, and smelling of his own
special exotic scent.  I had to grab the back of the chair to steady
myself against the vertigo that shot through me.  I remembered the
last time he touched me, and right now it was hard to believe that I
hadn't felt a thing.

"Come here, Captain."

I felt something like confusion, puzzlement even.  He hadn't called me
by my name or called me his t'hy'la.  He called me 'Captain.'  I
looked into his eyes, and couldn't identify what he was thinking.
"Spock?"

"T'hy'la.  Come here."  He extended the first two fingers of his right
hand apparently inviting the traditional embrace between Vulcan
bondmates.

I was stunned, but I felt some new emotion bubbling up inside of me.
Joy? Yes, I didn't just *want* him; I was in love with him.  I'd known
it all along, but it was oddly comforting to get jolted with a
reminder of what I felt.  I recognized his gesture, but he'd never
used it with me before. Maybe...  I couldn't think clearly for a
moment.  I touched my fingers to his and felt the familiar spark
between us as we touched.  Relief flooded me.  Elaan really was gone.

"James Kirk, wilt thou bond with me?"

---

I was surprised how formally he spoke to me; I couldn't remember him
ever calling me 'James' before.  I pushed aside all of my questions
and let delight flow through me and somehow it seemed as though it was
flowing out to him, too.  "You know it's what I want, Spock."

But why now?  When I'd betrayed him?  No, I couldn't leave it alone.
"Spock, are you asking me as a test of my love for you?"  I couldn't
stop saying his name; it tasted sweet in my mouth.  "Do you think that
it will make me love you more?  That I'll be less likely to betray
you?"  I didn't want to scare him off, but I also didn't want us to
misunderstand each other.  This was too important.  "Spock, I never
stopped loving you the whole time that I was with Elaan."

His eyes seemed to look into my soul, and his fingers caressed my
fingers, sparking electricity back and forth between us.  I was
weak-kneed when he spoke again.  "I have never doubted your love for
me.  Rather I wish to demonstrate the depth of my own feelings for
you."

I felt myself flushing.  I tried to remember the proper ceremonial
words, but I wasn't sure if I'd ever known them.  At least, I was able
to answer in Vulcan.  "Yes, Spock cha'Sarek.  I would bond with thee."
I switched to Standard when I said, "What do we have to do?  Do we
need to go to Vulcan?"

He shook his head.  "What I propose is not a formal bond, which would
require witnesses and would take place on Vulcan.  This is private
between us.  I will join our minds, and we will join our bodies.  We
will form the bond without intervention."  A flush of faint green
tinged his cheeks - nervous excitement?  But his voice was level, so
very calm.  "Do not think, however, that this bond is less binding
than a formal bond.  Be certain that this is what you wish."

I was surprised to find that although I was as aroused as I'd ever
been with him - and that was pretty damn aroused - I wasn't the least
bit nervous.  I tried to put all of the strength of my own conviction
into my voice.  "Yes, Spock, I know this is permanent.  I love you.  I
want this."

Well, maybe I was a little nervous when I followed him to his sleeping
area.  Was that why we didn't speak?  I found that it was easier to
just let him lead - there was nothing unusual about that.  Always, I
was his captain on the bridge, but when he took me to bed, it was far
from unusual for him to take control and make me his willing follower.

I closed my eyes and felt his fingers trail along the side of my face.
It felt like a line of flame.  He touched my temple lightly, and I
felt the fire inside my mind as well.  No, I wasn't thinking very
clearly.

//No need.  Do not think.  Only feel.//  Why wasn't I surprised to
*hear* his voice inside my head?

I obediently cleared my mind.  His scent was in my nostrils.  Musky,
but not the same as human musk.  More exotic.  But oh so familiar to
me.  I felt his fingers brush against my lips, and I opened my mouth
to kiss them, but all I got was a slight taste of cinnamon; they were
gone as quickly as they came.  I wanted him to kiss me, but something
told me that he wasn't planning to anytime soon.  What he was doing to
me now was Vulcan, and Vulcans do not kiss.  But what they do...it
almost felt as though he were touching me for the first time.  His
fingers lightly stroked down my throat, down my shoulders, and he
opened my tunic.  Fire.  Wherever he touched me, I felt fire.

At first, I tried to remain absolutely silent and still, listening to
his slightly accelerated breathing, but then I remembered the first
time that I had made love to him; I had asked him not to control his
reaction.  Now I let myself moan; I wanted him to know how much I
wanted him.  More fire as he stroked my chest, caressed my nipples,
lightly touched my stomach.  He peeled off my tunic, and guided me to
sit on the bed.

I opened my eyes and looked down, watched him remove my boots.  I was
surprised to see that he'd already stripped off his own clothes, and
lit a candle and some kind of incense.  When had he had time to do all
that?  He was beautiful in the flicker of candlelight, his hair shone
ebony, and I could see the shadow of his lashes on his cheek.  It
occurred to me that tonight was important.  That I would want to
remember every moment.  Every touch.  But I was already losing track
of time.

He held one of my bare feet in the palm of his hands, and I was
astonished how erotic it felt just having my foot caressed.  Flames
licked the bottom of my feet and burned up to my groin.  He looked up
at me, and the faint smile in his eyes was reassuring.  I was
experiencing meltdown, and he was still in control of his reactions.
Well, not completely.  When his cock brushed against my thigh as we
stood up, he jumped a little at the contact., and I thought that he
stifled a moan.  I didn't stifle my moan, and I knew that he wanted to
hear me moan again.

 "Spock?"  He brushed his fingers against my lips again, but said
nothing.  When he peeled down my pants, freeing my cock, his warm
hands brushed against me, and I almost came.  He removed his hands and
backed off for a moment.  I swallowed and met his eyes.  "You're going
to have to slow down a little.  I feel like - it's all too much."

Another faint smile.  He managed to strike me dumb by taking my right
hand and kissing it.  More combustion in the palm of my hand.  Oh, his
lips.  No, he didn't even dart out his tongue or leave a gentle
imprint of his teeth.  Just the startling softness of his lips.  When
he let go of my hand briefly, I brought it to my own lips and licked
my palm, so I could taste him there. He recaptured my hand to place it
against his temple and arranged his own hands on the meld points on my
face.  His impossibly warm fingers.  His sweet breath on my face.

I tried to remember the last time that we had joined minds.  Certainly
it was before we had become lovers.  We had talked about it once, but
he had told me that a mind meld during sexual activity could lead to a
bonding.  Something had changed - I wasn't sure what - but he had been
waiting for this moment for our bonding.   We were standing so close
that I would've only had to lean forward slightly to kiss his mouth.
I wanted to; I needed to taste him, but I resisted the impulse.
Tonight, I had abdicated control to him.

"My mind to your mind; my heart to your heart."  His deep quiet voice
after the silence between us startled me; my knees were weak from the
vibration of that voice in my ear.  The words seemed familiar, but
even more familiar was the sensation of his mind sliding into mine.
His face was above mine, his eyes closed, his lips slightly parted,
his  expression rapt with joy.  When his eyes opened, I felt as though
I was being drawn up into them.  And our minds were One.  His mind was
fire licking at my thoughts.  //And your mind is cool and as gold and
green as your beautiful eyes.//

I *heard* myself gasp.  //Spock.//  For a moment, I thought that I'd
said it aloud, but then I knew it was in both of our minds.

His hands fell away from my face and traveled down my body.  I felt
his hot fingers on my chest and stomach, and, at the same time, I felt
cool flesh under my fingertips.

//Come.//  He held out his hand and I took it.  It felt odd that he
held my hand to guide me to the bed; it was inches behind us.  But his
hand was so warm that I felt like I never wanted to let go.  He eased
me back on the bed, and I felt a shiver of anticipation course through
me as he knelt between my spread thighs.  His hands were on my hip
sockets; he lifted me effortlessly and inserted a pillow beneath my
buttocks.

I remembered a blisteringly hot Iowa summer afternoon when I was a
cadet on leave from the Academy.  I had stretched out in the middle of
a hay field with my eyes closed, my legs spread, offering myself to
the warm rays of the sun, as though to an unknown lover.  Finally, I
knew the identity of that unknown lover.

//I, too, remember when I was a youth, shortly before I left Vulcan.
It  rained one afternoon, and I lay in the desert, feeling the drops
on my body.  It is very like that when you put your hands and your
mouth on me.//

I opened my eyes with a gasp.  I looked into his eyes and then down at
his erect cock and realized that finally - yes, he was going to put
his cock inside of me.  Heat flowed through me, and I lifted myself,
offering my body to him.  "Yes, please, Spock. I can't wait.  I want -
"  And then I stopped; I was embarrassed because I suddenly remembered
the first time that I had asked him for this.  And all the times after
that I had made a joke of his reluctance.

//There is no need of embarrassment between thee and me.  There is
nothing of thee that I do not desire.//  He began to caress me.
Stroked his hands up along my quadriceps and my inner thighs, circled
my balls, caressed my cock, and set me aflame.

//My body?  My mind?  My heart?  It's all yours.//  Before tonight,
I'd used a crude word for what I wanted him to do to me.  But not
tonight.  "Spock.  Love me.  I want you to make love to me."

Just about every time we'd made love before, we'd gone slowly,
enjoying each other's bodies.  There wasn't a part of my body or any
of my orifices that he hadn't explored with his fingers, with his
mouth, with his tongue.  I remembered that I had told him that putting
his cock inside of me wasn't all that different than bringing me to
orgasm with his fingers or his tongue.  I was wrong.

He astonished me by plucking a tube of lubricant from under the pillow
by my head.  As he coated his cock, he kept one hand on me, stroking
my thighs, and when he caressed my cock, I thrust up against him.  He
inserted a well-lubricated finger inside of me.  This was familiar -
he'd done this many times and it felt so good, but I wanted the other.
I pushed back against him.

He lifted me, my legs over his shoulder, his hands under my buttocks.
His hands were so strong, and his cock was against my opening.  Just
the tip at first and he hesitated.  I wondered if he were afraid of
hurting me.  I pushed back against him, urging him to penetrate me
further.  He turned his head slightly to kiss the skin of my inner
thigh.  Oh, his lips felt incredible on me, and those strong sensitive
hands massaged the muscles of my legs to help me relax into the
unfamiliar posture.

When he opened me up with his entire long, hard, hot, beautiful shaft,
I  couldn't help moaning out loud.  I cried out in my mind as he slid
into me.  //Spock.  Spock.  Love you.  Oh, I love you.  Spock.//

The initial pain was sharp as he penetrated me, and I knew that he
felt it, too, and he didn't want to hurt me, but I bore down.  I
wouldn't let him stop.  I felt first one ridge and the other spreading
inside me.  Then the pleasure inside me was as piercing as the pain.
And I *felt* my own flesh cool to his touch, and *felt* the warmth at
my core.  I was both impaled and impaling.

Initially, he thrust slowly inside of me.  My eyes were closed,
concentrating on the sensation of him penetrating my mind and my body.
One of his hands strayed over my balls, squeezing, then releasing.
His exotic musk was stronger now, and I inhaled it greedily.  It was
crazy, but I was suddenly thinking about how he tasted in my mouth.
All this time, I'd been begging him to put his cock in my ass, and now
I was wishing that he would put it in my mouth -  but it felt amazing
where it was.  Maybe if he would put his tongue in my mouth.

Then I opened my eyes to look at him, and my breath caught in my
throat.  He hovered over me between my spread legs.  His head was
thrown back in ecstasy, his face flushed with heat and pleasure, his
eyes closed, his lips parted and his breath came out in gasps.  I
*heard* him say my name over and over in my mind.

One of his hands was against the small of my back, tilting me up to
meet his thrusts.  I cried out loud when he wrapped his other hand
around my cock and stroked it firmly.  He cried out in my mind as he
also *felt* the additional warmth and tightness.  It was more
stimulation than either of us could stand.  I cried out harshly as my
orgasm exploded in his hand.  //Spock.  Oh.  Yes.  Spock.//  I was
nearly incoherent from the pleasure of him filling me.

He took three final strokes before he spilled himself into me. //Jim.
T'hy'la.  Lasha.//  I was too dazed to protest when he pulled out and
eased my legs down into a more comfortable position, but I reached for
him and he collapsed on my chest.

I wrapped my arms around him, clutching him close.  He started to lift
himself, but I held on.  I welcomed his heated body, almost but not
quite, crushing the breath out of me.

---

Finally, I let him lift up, so that he looked down into my face.   I
felt the fire inside banked, and I knew that my face was glowing with
contentment.  I opened my eyes and, again, I felt the sensation of
being drawn up into his dark eyes.

//Mmm, love.  That was good.//  I laughed then, and it echoed in the
room and in both of our minds.  //I knew that making love would be
different when we joined our minds.  I've never felt anything like
that.  It was more.  Intense.  God.  Spock.//

He looked shell-shocked.  Like he'd been hit by a phaser set on stun,
and was just recovering.  His lips parted and I strained forward to
hear his quiet voice.  "I admire your mind."  Then, he smiled a smile
that lit up his entire face. And he leaned forward and kissed my
mouth.

God, his mouth tasted good, cinnamon and cardamom.  What did he have
for  dinner?  But I knew that was his natural taste.  And his tongue
felt so good stroking mine.  I almost forgot what he said just before
he kissed me.  Almost.  Because my mouth was occupied, my response was
more mind laughter.  //My mind, Spock?  That's how you show me that
you admire my mind?  I can't wait until you get around to worshipping
my body.//

He lifted his mouth from mine and then he put out a hand to gently
stroke the hair off my forehead.  //Lasha, it was more than I dared
hope for.  I had wanted your mind even as I touched your body.  Your
body has long aroused mine, but it was most ... pleasurable ... to
have your mind and your body at once.  I understand now that I could
never be satisfied with one without the other.//

He sat up in bed.  "Would you care to shower?"

I couldn't help smiling.  Here we were making these glorious
confessions  about our pleasure in each other and my oh-so-practical
friend - my bondmate, now - was suggesting that we 'get cleaned up.'
"With you?  Yes, anything with you."

I stood under the water - it was such a momentous occasion that Spock
had wordlessly decided that it called for the luxury of a water shower
- and I closed my eyes.  His soapy hands, sliding over my exhausted
body, felt amazing.  I could feel both his hands on me and the moist
skin under *my* fingers.  The doubling and re-doubling of pleasure was
something that would take some getting used to.  Well, not all that
much getting used to.  "Spock, let me - "

"Shh, let me care for you for now."

"I've been your bondmate for only 15 minutes, and you're already
telling me what to do."  I wrapped my arms around his wet, slippery
body and held on tight.

"Bondmate."  He repeated the word in a reflective tone, his mouth
against the side of my neck.

I blushed slightly.  "Well, you did just bond us, didn't you?  If you
don't like the word - "

He leaned down to kiss my mouth.  When he released me, he said, "Yes.
Thee are my bondmate.  Thee are my own."     My eyes were stinging a
little - maybe I'd gotten some soap in them.  And the lump in my
throat kept me from responding.     He turned off the shower, wrapped
a towel around me, and proceeded me into the sleeping area.  I toweled
my damp hair, and watched silently as he swiftly, efficiently stripped
the bed and changed the sheets.  "Next time, it would be logical to
use some sort of pad to absorb the moisture," he said.  I couldn't
help laughing at his reflective tone, his serious expression, and his
typically practical approach to the messy details of lovemaking.  Of
course, whenever we 'fell into bed,' he always forgot the practical
details as quickly as I did.

I looped the towel over the bathroom rack and returned to stand behind
him.  He turned to embrace me.       I reached up to cradle the back
of his head in my hand.  "Ah, Spock.  All this time, you've been using
my body just to get into my mind.  I told you the first night that I
was willing."  I tried to look at him solemnly, but we could both feel
the laughter in my mind.

He kissed me gently, and we stretched out on the bed.  He pressed
against my side, supported himself on one elbow and tangled his other
hand in my hair. //Lasha, it is better that we waited.  It was I who
was not ready that first night.  Not you.//

"Explain, Spock."  I didn't mean to, but I said it in my command voice
and, from the look on his face, I knew I had the look of a starship
captain requesting information from his science officer.  //Why now?
When I came to ask forgiveness for my betrayal?//

//Lasha, my own, never doubt.  I would take you back a thousand
times.//

I wondered at that, but I knew it was true for both of us.  We'd both
lost ourselves so thoroughly that nothing mattered but what we were to
each other.  I smiled at that romantic thought.  Of course, what we
were to each other included being captain and first officer, so our
duty would always come first.   I was surprised how easy it was to
switch between spoken and mental  communication.  As if we were two
bilingual speakers who switch languages several times in conversation
because one language says something better than the other.  I imagined
that I could feel warm golden cables stretching between our minds.

"When I first confessed to wanting you, I wanted this."  His hand
brushed my temple as if to convey the mental joining, those golden
cables.  //I understood that I enjoyed your touch as well, but I was
unprepared for the depth of my need once I kissed you and lay with
you.//

"Chemistry," I said.  His eyes were so dark.  They were like a pool
that I wanted to dive into; I'd never need to come up for air. "We
have so much chemistry together, Spock.  I think sometimes that if we
lost every dilithium crystal, we could keep the ship going on the
sexual energy between us."

I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed each fingertip gently,
watching a spark of reaction light his eyes at each contact.  "An
interesting hypothesis, Captain."  His smile was hidden again, but it
was as though that smile was burned into my retinas, and I saw it
still.  "And do you have a proposal for testing our ability to run the
warp engines on this?"  He squeezed my hand as if to emphasize what
*this* he was talking about: the strength of the attraction between
us.

I laughed.  //And just where are you planning to present the
scientific paper that you'll write about your findings?//

Then his amusement was gone, and he looked reflective.  "You called it
chemistry, Jim?  I had not understood that was what was between us.
But it is logical.  Dr. McCoy told me that chemistry was an element of
'falling in love' and he used the attraction of scent as an example."

I nodded, ignoring the odd sensation I felt at hearing that Spock and
McCoy had talked about this.  "Chemistry, Spock.  It's all the senses.
When I see you - after we've been apart - even it's only for a few
minutes - my heart starts to beat faster.  When I touch you, it sets
off a spark inside."  My hand was on the nape of his neck and it was
easy to pull his mouth to mine.

As I kissed him, I still spoke in his mind.  //When I hear your voice
- even over the intercom - I forget for just a moment that I'm the
captain and all I can think about is how soon I can be alone with you.
Or when I breathe in your scent, I think about how good you smell and
how good you taste and I forget to listen to your report.  Then I have
to concentrate very hard to pick up the thread of our conversation.//

He had that shell-shocked look again for a moment after we broke our
kiss.  But then he recovered enough to tease me some more.  "It is
fortunate that you have an agile mind.  Your distraction has gone
largely unnoticed."  Then he frowned, and I felt a lessening of the
warmth in his mind.  "But you also felt all of this for the Dohlman,
did you not?"

I nodded, shamefaced but unflinching as he looked into my eyes.
"Chemistry is not always a good thing.  Actually, sometimes I wish
that you and I didn't have quite so much chemistry.  It's dangerous.
Our mutual respect and admiration is more than enough to fuel our
friendship.  You remember Edith?  I don't think that she and I had
chemistry but, if things had been different, we could have been happy
together."

We were both silent a moment, and I watched a shadow pass over his
face.  We both thought of Edith Keeler, dead centuries before either
of us had been born.

Then I smiled again and reached for him to share another kiss.  //Then
I  realize what an idiot I am.  God, I wouldn't give up how you make
me feel for the whole galaxy!//

//I, too, find it pleasurable.//

"Sorry, I went off on a tangent, Spock.  We were talking about why you
weren't ready to bond with me when we first made love."   He nodded.
"Yes.  I was unprepared by how deeply you affected me.   Emotionally."

I frowned.  It just didn't make sense.  I knew that he had enjoyed our
lovemaking from the very first, so why would he hesitate?  "But if you
found yourself more attracted to me than you expected, why would that
make you less interested in bonding with me?"

He ran his free hand over my chest, making me shiver with pleasure.
"Perhaps you will be displeased when I tell you."

"Tell me what?"  I heard alarms go off in my brain.

"Once I recognized the depths of my feelings, I found myself reluctant
to share you with anyone else."

I captured his hand and I held it still against me.  "Now I really
don't  understand."

"I had accepted your need for variety.  Once I was your bondmate, I
would have the part of you that I required.  I did not doubt that we
would enjoy a satisfying sexual union, but I also expected that you
would occasionally take other lovers.  When I discovered that I was
passionately attached to you, I doubted my ability to permit you to do
this."

I saw him flinch when the flash of my anger singed him through our
brand-new bond.  "You assumed that I'd be unfaithful to you?"  Then
the heat of my anger was cooled by a sudden thought.  "I guess it's
illogical for me to be angry with you for assuming that I was going to
be unfaithful - after all your assumption proved correct."

He entwined his fingers in mine and silently kissed the back of my
hand.

"But you forgave me, Spock.  And you made me your bondmate.  I really
don't understand."

His hand tightened around mine.  "Lasha, I had to know how I would
react when you proved unfaithful."  He swallowed, and I put out a hand
to touch his cheek reassuringly.  "Perhaps more importantly I had to
know how you would react.  The possibility existed that you would be
unable to accept your own actions and that you would feel trapped and
resentful.  As I have told you, the bond is not easily broken.  Once I
knew that we could both live with the consequences of infidelity, I
was ready to bond with you."

"Are you saying that you've discovered that you don't care if I'm
unfaithful?"  My stomach took a nosedive.  "I know that jealousy is
illogical and a waste of time, but I still have some romantic ideas
about what we owe each other."

He shook his head.  "I did find it disconcerting that you lay with the
Dohlman.  And I would prefer that you not share your body with
another.  But once I knew that I was able to forgive you and you were
able to forgive yourself, I have no concerns about our future
together."

Maybe it was ridiculously romantic, but I felt relieved knowing that
he did want my fidelity.  No promises had been exchanged, but I knew
that I belonged to him and he belonged to me.  "I'm not concerned
either."  But when I said, "I love you," he probably didn't hear
because I was yawning.  I was tired.  And he'd been the one that had
done all the work.

"It is past time for you to sleep.  When did you last sleep a full
night?"

I had to think for a minute.  "Mmm, I've barely slept since we first
established orbit around Elaan's planet."  I couldn't remember the
last time that I'd eaten anything either, but right now sleep was the
only thing on my mind.  Crazy.  He was so close by and he smelled so
good, and it probably wouldn't take much to convince him to -  I
yawned again.  "I'm afraid that it's catching up with me.  Can I stay
here tonight?"

Maybe it was my imagination, but the noise he made then sounded like a
sigh: a sigh of complete contentment.  //I insist that you stay here
tonight.//  He pulled me into his arms and we spooned together.  Only
then, knowing that he was holding me tightly was I able to fall into a
deep, restful sleep.

---

I was working in the medical lab the next day shortly after the
morning staff meeting.  Dr. McCoy stopped beside me.

"Spock."  He shifted from one foot to the other.

There are matters that are understood between us, but of which we do
not  customarily speak.  However, he seemed unable to restrain himself
at this time.  "Looks like everything is okay between you and Jim."

In truth, I was somewhat surprised to hear him say this.  I believed
that nothing between us had changed that was publicly visible.  I
considered how to respond to his comment.

I completed my diagnostic and logged off the computer before I
decided.   "Yes, however, I did discover something quite intriguing."

McCoy appeared to consider whether he really wanted to hear about my
discovery, but he could not resist asking.  "Um, yeah, Spock.  What
did you discover?"

Still not looking at McCoy, I stood up and started towards the door.
"It is quite true.  There is a definite biochemical component to the
phenomenon of 'falling in love.'  If you will excuse me, Doctor."

I ignored his surprised laughter as I walked out the door.  I had far
too much to do that day to waste my time on useless banter.

---

The End