The BLTS Archive - The Measure of A Man #1: Desire, Ownership, and Feelings by Isla(islaofhope@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters all belong to Paramount. This is fan fiction. I won't make any money from it. Both positive and negative feedback is welcome. --- He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling an unfamiliar fatigue slide through him, blocking out the words on the computer screen. Today had been a most difficult day. The days ahead did not promise to be any less stressful. Logic told him that he should rest, preserve his strength, but a part of him could not rest, so he sat reviewing his log, trying to find an answer to the puzzle that haunted him. When his comm unit signaled that someone was at his door, he hesitated. He did not wish company. However, he was a Starfleet officer, temporarily in command of the Enterprise, and it was his duty to be available. "Come." The door opened, and a Terran female walked in. She paused in front of his desk with a smile on her face, but the smile appeared tentative and did not reach her eyes. "I apologize for disturbing you, but I wanted to thank you for what you did for me today." He looked away. "No thanks are required. I did what was necessary." The smile faded completely and her chin lifted. "So, your actions were completely dictated by logic and necessity?" "Affirmative." She clenched her fists and turned away. "I hate this. This lack of control..." He thought he saw a slight tremor in her body, but he attempted not to notice it. She squared her shoulders and, still turned away, she said, "Maybe I shouldn't have come. I couldn't sleep and I thought..." She rubbed at her eyes. Wiping away weariness, not tears. He did not trust himself to speak. He simply waited. For additional words from her? For her to walk out of his quarters? "Mr. Spock, I would like to stay with you. " She turned to look at him. He looked down at his hands and realized that he had also clenched his fists. "We have talked of this. It is not possible. I cannot desire...that body." "Because you have known only James T. Kirk's body for so many months?" His eyebrow lifted. "I do not deny that is a part of it. But there are other considerations. The question of ownership - " She wheeled to look at him, her eyes flashing. "Desire? Ownership? What about feelings? What do you feel for me? Forget about telling me...and yourself...that you don't desire me." He swallowed. "You well know...we have talked about the impossibility of this. What tomorrow may bring...there may be answers that we do not yet know." He could not sit still. He stood and took a few restless steps, but a Vulcan does not pace. "As for what I may or may not feel for you...we have talked about what I am capable of feeling." Unfortunately, his non-pacing had brought him closer to her. When her arms slid around him, for a moment he stood very still, allowing her embrace but making no move to return it. However, when she tightened her grip and rested her head against him, he instinctively returned the embrace. They stood there silently holding each other for three point five minutes. "This is..." He hesitated. "Wrong? Is it?" She shook her head, a slight movement against his collarbone. "I don't know what is right. I just know that I don't want to be alone tonight." Her tone was light when she said, "I'm hoping you'll take pity on me and allow me to share your bed." "It will not be pity." Spock's voice was hoarse, and he felt her small movement - a flinch of surprise? When she lifted her face, he looked down into her eyes, again wordless. She put a hand at the back of his head to pull him to her, closed her eyes and brushed her lips against his. Then she pressed them more firmly. Her tongue darted out and moistened his lips. With an almost soundless groan, he closed his eyes, and his lips parted slightly. The taste of her mouth was unfamiliar, but not unpleasant. The kiss was gentle at first but soon grew more heated. She pressed her body against him. He felt the cushions of her breasts against his torso. The soft arms wrapped around him were not as strong as the well-muscled ones that were more familiar to him. The fingers were slim and tapering, not like the blunt ones that usually slid into his hair and stroked the back of his neck. The taste and scent of her was unfamiliar. He reminded himself of that fact, but his body betrayed him. She was pressed full length against him, and he could not hide the evidence of his desire. She rubbed herself against him, and his mind rebelled at the lack of answering hardness in her body. Just a softness that his body appeared to wish to sink down into. He was filled with uncertainty. Of course, he had bedded more than one woman, but his most recent sexual experience had been with a man. One beloved man. In spite of his body's desire, his mind could not direct his body in what to do with that desire. Apparently, the woman suffered from no such hesitation. With surprising swiftness, she slid her hands under his tunic, untucked his thermal shirt, and crept her hands up his bare chest to caress his pectoral muscles and his nipples. A murmur of pleasure escaped him. He permitted her to remove his shirt. He could not identify the emotion on her face as she paused with her hands on his naked shoulders. She took his hand, brought it to her mouth, and kissed his palm. She led the way into his sleeping area and put her hands on his shoulders to push him to sit down on the bed. His body obeyed her cues without question. His mind waited for reason to return. She knelt in front of him to remove his boots and socks. She startled him when she caressed the soles of his feet. "You have the most beautiful feet." He did not answer. Instead, he closed his eyes and let her unfasten his pants. He lifted himself slightly to allow her to remove both pants and briefs. He gripped the bedclothes in his fists as she urged him to recline back on the bed. His legs slightly apart, she knelt between his thighs and touched the tip of her tongue to his penis. He groaned softly at the pleasure that shot through him at that intimate touch. Wondered at his weakness that allowed him to give in so easily to the touch of this unfamiliar body. One soft hand wrapped around the base of his penis. The other supported her weight as she bent over him. She wrapped her lips around to suck at the head. Her tongue teased down to the oh-so-sensitive region between his flaring double ridges. He could not resist opening his eyes to watch her, and he caught his breath at the apparent pleasure she took in "making love" to his penis. His eyes closed again, and he relaxed back to concentrate on the sensations. His hands were still gripping the bedclothes. As though, if he did not touch her, the entire act was her idea, and he was not responsible for her desire...or his own. The unfamiliar hands, fingers, and mouth seemed to know exactly what to do and where to touch him to give him the most gratifying sensations without allowing him to climax. She brought him to the edge once, twice, three times, and then drew him back, gasping, each time. When her touch was suddenly withdrawn, his eyes flew open. Her eyes were downcast, not meeting his as she stood up and started to undress. Her body was slowly revealed to him. Medium-size firm breasts, a slightly rounded stomach, curving thighs. She was curvaceous, but not voluptuous. His eyes rested on the light curls of pubic hair, and then he looked away. When she began to straddle him, he came to a sudden decision. It was illogical to deny his desire when she was now lightly stroking the evidence of it. He laid his hands on her shoulders and pulled her down, rolling her onto her back. He shifted onto his side and rested a hand on her stomach just above her pubic bone. He felt her breathing accelerate. "I am not completely without experience." He bent to kiss her right breast. Her eyes widened. "I didn't think that you were. Only..." "Let me please you." He continued to stimulate her breasts, tonguing her right nipple while he rubbed his thumb over her left. "Yes." She closed her eyes and writhed slowly under his gentle assault. He wondered if he could make her climax merely from stimulating her breasts but doubted that it would be possible. Female sexual response was more elusive than male sexual response. His fingers stroked her sides as he continued to mouth her breasts. He dipped his finger into her navel and discovered that she was ticklish there. He kissed his way down her abdomen, while his hands caressed her hips. One hand reached around to cup her right buttock, and the other combed into her pubic hair. She gasped softly and held her breath for a moment. When she let it out, she spread her legs wider and lifted her hips, so that his fingers slicked between her vaginal lips. He paused, startled at the large quantity of lubrication. She was very aroused. "Oh, Spock." Her voice was barely a whisper as she pressed up against him. With the tip of his tongue he gently circled her clitoris before inserting a single finger inside of her. She gasped a soft accompaniment to his slow finger fucking. Her hands gripped and ungripped his shoulders. "So hot. It feels. Oh, so, good." She put her hands under his armpits as if to urge him upward. "I'm ready now. I want you inside." He lifted himself away and rocked back on his heels. He used two pillows to lift her pelvis to the most advantageous angle for insertion and stimulation. Her hands reached out to grip his hips, to urge him closer. Positioning his head at her vaginal opening, he paused to study her face, flushed with heat and desire. He plunged in. Both of his hands cupped her buttocks. His motion was slow at first, but gradually quickened. After a time, his hands slid around to the front of her torso. She gripped one of them tightly, but the other one he positioned so that his thumb massaged her clitoris. She lifted her hips, and squeezed her pelvic muscles, matching his tempo. Soon, he was moving so quickly that he wondered if he was causing pain, but she moved along with him. He felt her vaginal muscles squeezing convulsively, her face flushed deeper, and she cried out hoarsely as she climaxed. She reached up for his shoulders and pulled him down on top of her. He continued to pump into her as he kissed her deeply. It did not take long before he also convulsed, climaxed, and lay still on top of her. But he only rested for a moment. He lifted himself away so that he would not crush her. Her eyes were sparkling as he looked down into her flushed face. Her hand stroked his cheek. "That was amazing, Spock." She laughed suddenly. "Are you sure that you don't desire this body?" He turned his head to kiss her palm. But said nothing. Fortunately, she did not insist on an answer and they fell into an exhausted sleep, their bodies entwined. --- When he awoke the next morning, he was momentarily disoriented. Her hair was spread across his chest, breasts pressed against his side, and arms wrapped around him. When he stirred, the woman sprawled against him woke, too. Eyes that were not hazel opened and looked into his. "Good morning, Spock. How did you sleep?" She must have seen a flicker of surprise in his eyes, because the smile faded from her face. She suddenly seemed to...remember. "Damn. For a moment, I thought it was just a bad dream." She sat up, threw her legs over the side of the bed, and reached for her discarded clothing. "When I woke up, and I was with you, I thought..." Her voice trailed away. "All will be well." He sat up and grasped her shoulders. "I do not know how we will face this, but - " "Really?" She turned to glare at him. "You can barely stand to look at me. To touch me." "Untrue." Spock began to gently rub the back of her neck. "As I recall, I touched you a great deal last night. I am touching you now." He felt her relax, and he drew her back to recline beside him. Her voice was very quiet. "I had no idea how good you were at fucking women, Mr. Spock. Apparently, you have been misdirecting your energy for the last year or so." His hand paused in its massage. "To direct your bitterness at me is unlike you. I understand that you are under a great deal of stress." She turned on her side, and looked into his eyes. "Do you?" He stroked her cheek, wondering if he truly saw moisture brimming in her eyes or if it was only the unusual brightness - they should not be blue. "Affirmative." Her soft laugh startled him. Perhaps the bitterness was fading somewhat. Not quite acceptance, but not the same despair and fear that he had seen in her yesterday. "I don't know what's going to happen to us. But I love you. And I loved the way you loved me last night." "Yes." He took the soft hand in his and kissed the pulse point of the wrist. She closed her eyes. "I don't ask you to say that you love me. It isn't your way. But I would like it if you would call me by my name. So that I'll know that this really is me." "Jim." Spock's grip tightened on her hand. "It is you. It does not matter that Janice Lester stole your body and left you with hers. It is still you. I know that I was... initially reluctant...but I know now that the shape of your body does not matter. Just you." He took a deep breath. "Perhaps we will find a way to switch your bodies back - even though she destroyed the machine to prevent it. If not, there will be a period of adjustment. But you are very strong. Even in this body, you are James T. Kirk, captain of the Enterprise." She leaned forward to kiss his mouth swiftly. "Now we just have to convince Starfleet of that fact!" He stroked the back of her neck. "You do not command the Enterprise with your penis and testicles, but with your intellect and spirit." A shaky smile. "Yes, but as much as I loved what you did to me last night, I miss my penis and testicles." "Understood. There are always possibilities." Spock recognized that he sounded uncertain even to his own ears. "It is only logical to...temporarily...make the best use of...the equipment at hand." --- The End