The BLTS Archive - Lost And Found
by ILuvKate

---

"Hello, B'Elanna." B'Elanna Torres turned quickly, her heart
quickening at the sound of the familiar voice behind her, and her face
lit up in a delighted smile.

"Kathryn!" she exclaimed warmly. "How wonderful to see you!" She held
out her hands and Kathryn Janeway clasped them in hers, her own face
brightening happily.

"How are you, B'Elanna? I've often wondered how you were doing,"
Kathryn said.

"I'm doing very well, Kathryn," the former Chief Engineer of the
U.S.S. Voyager responded. She gestured at the gold braid encrusting
Admiral Kathryn Janeway's scarlet coat. "And I can see you've been
doing quite well, too," she added, smiling. Kathryn glanced down at
her uniform.

"That depends on one's point of view," she said. She made a vague
gesture. "The bureaucracy...." B'Elanna laughed.

"Yes," she said. "It's not like running a starship in the Delta
Quadrant, is it?"

"No," Kathryn said, grimacing, "it certainly is not." She smiled
pensively. "Sometimes," added softly, "I miss that so much." B'Elanna
squeezed the hands she still held in hers.

"I know," she said gently. "There are times when I long to be back in
that engine room."

"And look at you, now," Kathryn said more brightly, before they
descended into the murky mists of memory that neither was sure she
wanted to navigate. "Captain B'Elanna Torres. How do you like
command?"

"I'm better at it than I ever thought I'd be," B'Elanna admitted.
"Sometimes the bureaucracy of it, gets on my nerves, but then I get
involved in something else and it doesn't bother me."

"I'm just sorry you're not in Starfleet," Kathryn said. "We're always
in need of good captains." B'Elanna shrugged.

"Well, things probably worked out for the better," she said easily. "I
always did buck Starfleet, you know." Kathryn laughed.

"Oh, yes," she said. "I remember." They gazed at each other, and they
descended into the mists of memory whether either wanted it or
not......

---

It had taken nine long, hard, rough years, but Voyager had made it
back to the Alpha Quadrant. Thanks to some friendly aliens who
willingly gave them sophisticated technology and thanks to B'Elanna's
brilliance and technical skill, Voyager shaved 51 years from their
journey and returned triumphant to the Alpha Quadrant.

Kathryn and B'Elanna had been together for eight of the nine years
that Voyager had been in the Delta Quadrant. They had found a house in
San Francisco and became involved in adjusting to life on Earth
instead of on board Voyager. B'Elanna re-enrolled in the Academy--her
own decision, uninfluenced by anyone else--and quickly became swamped
in studying and classes and all the attendant business of being a
Starfleet cadet. She didn't ask Kathryn for help and Kathryn didn't
offer, knowing B'Elanna had to make her own way.

As for herself, she soon became embroiled in re-learning Starfleet and
re-familiarizing herself with what had once been second nature to her.
There was a new hierarchy to get to know, new regulations to catch up
with. She and B'Elanna saw little more of each other than a quick meal
here and there, and perhaps, if they were extremely lucky, bedtime
together. Starfleet demanded huge amounts of Kathryn's time after
Voyager's return. She had information on a previously unknown and
uncharted quadrant and Starfleet wanted it. In minute detail, she
observed sourly after an exhausting ten-hour session one day.

They began to drift apart, not really realizing it at first because
they were so busy. They began to re-discover old friends and
acquaintances. Kathryn became caught up in the social life of
Starfleet, and B'Elanna was making new friends at the Academy, as well
as finding old friends, few though they were, from her pre-Voyager
days.

"What's happening to us?" Kathryn asked one Sunday morning at
breakfast. It was one of the rare times they were there at the same
time with nowhere to go and nothing else to do. B'Elanna had been
aimlessly pushing her food around on her plate, lost in thought, and
she glanced up at Kathryn's question. She sighed and pushed her plate
back, looking back at Kathryn unhappily.

"I don't know," she said despondently. "I don't like it." Kathryn
shook her head.

"I hate it," she agreed. "We're never together any more."

"Damn Starfleet," B'Elanna grumbled. Kathryn smiled weakly. It was
true Starfleet had swallowed both of them up, but she knew plenty of
people who managed to balance being in Starfleet and a relationship,
too. She and B'Elanna didn't seem to be able to do it.

"I don't remember the last time we made love," Kathryn said. B'Elanna
started, and stared at her in shock. Her face flooded as she, too,
came to that realization.

"I--oh, God, Kathryn. I--" she floundered helplessly as if it were her
fault.

"It's not your fault, my dear," Kathryn pointed out. "I've been just as
busy and just as absent as you have." They stared at each other in
growing misery. They remembered their life on Voyager, and how happy
they'd been.

"We've got to get it back," B'Elanna said firmly. "What we
had... Kathryn...."

"I agree," Kathryn said gently. "Perhaps we should make a concerted
effort to spend more time together. B'Elanna agreed enthusiastically.

They'd tried. They'd tried very hard. But neither of their demanding
schedules would allow them to devote the time needed for strengthening
and cementing their relationship. The final blow came when Kathryn was
sent on a mission to the outer reaches of the Gamma quadrant. B'Elanna
completely locked into the Academy by that time, could only see her
off helplessly. They had clung to each other tearfully on the morning
of Kathryn's departure, B'Elanna risking tardiness to a crucial
simulation and Kathryn risking the captain's late appearance on the
bridge of her own ship.

Kathryn was gone for nearly a year. B'Elanna approached the end of her
Academy career, having made a name for herself. She was offered a
teaching post, but declined it. She found that she had no more desire
for a career in Starfleet now than she had when she dropped out
before.

Kathryn made it back in time to attend B'Elanna's graduation and they
spent a joyous week of R&R on Risa after it. Kathryn was philosophical
about B'Elanna's decision to once again leave Starfleet. B'Elanna
served an obligatory tour of duty as an ensign and then resigned. By
that time, Kathryn was gone on another distant and lengthy mission.
When she returned, it was to discover that B'Elanna had joined
StarForce Alpha, a military organization operated by a second
federation of planets in the Beta Quadrant, the Interstellar Alliance.
It was not long before she was given her own command.

---

"So," Kathryn said smiling, now. "Do I get a tour of your vessel,
Captain?"

"Absolutely," B'Elanna said. "She's a fine ship."

"I'm sure," Kathryn said. "You wouldn't have anything else."

"Come," B'Elanna said, gesturing toward her bridge. "Let me show you
the SFS Askara."

Kathryn was impressed with B'Elanna's quiet air of authority and the
respect she received from her crew. Her first officer, was S'kou
Enair, a Botanian, from Botania IV in the Beta Quadrant. Botanians
were known for their navigational skills and their enormous physical
strength. It was obvious that Enair and B'Elanna got along extremely
well. Kathryn was reminded of her own relationship with Chakotay on
Voyager: his loyalty, advice, and companionship that helped make the
burden of command a little lighter.

The Askara was a small but powerful ship. It was primarily designed
for space exploration and for transport but B'Elanna told Kathryn that
it was fitted for combat, too. One never knew any more where enemies
lurked. The War with the Dominion had not been over all that long and
caution was still the watchword of the day.

B'Elanna's ship was taking Kathryn and a Federation contingent to a
planet at the far reaches of the Interstellar Alliance, a planet
called Coprar Prime, where some new technology that could
revolutionize food production on barren or infertile planets had been
developed. Kathryn was sent because of her science background and,
too, because she wanted to get off Earth for a while. She had not
traveled space a great deal since becoming an admiral, and she missed
it.

B'Elanna walked with Kathryn to the quarters Kathryn would be staying
in while on board the Askara. "I'm very impressed with your ship and
crew, B'Elanna," Kathryn remarked as they rode a lift to the ship's
fourth deck. B'Elanna looked pleased.

"It's a good ship and a good crew," she said. "I took many lessons
from watching you, Kathryn, even though it never entered my head that
one day I would sit in the captain's chair."

"I bet you miss being an Engineer, though," Kathryn said. B'Elanna
nodded.

"I do,"she said. "I drive McKinley completely nuts by being in the
Engineering section so much, but I can't help it. It's in my blood."

"I daresay they benefit," Kathryn remarked. "It's almost a shame not
to use your talents where they are most needed, but good captains are
needed, too."

"Technology has advanced so much," B'Elanna pointed out, "that Chief
Engineers are rapidly becoming just babysitters for the computers."
Kathryn nodded. It was happening in Starfleet, too.

They reached Kathryn's quarters and B'Elanna ushered her inside. "I
hope you'll be comfortable," she said, "and please don't hesitate to
let me know if there's anything you need." She turned to leave. "I
need to see to departure details," she said. "Will you join me for
dinner?"

"I'd love to," Kathryn said warmly. "Thank you, B'Elanna. This," she
gestured at her surroundings, "is delightful."

After B'Elanna left, Kathryn undid her dress jacket and tossed it on
the back of a chair and walked over to the food processing unit,
smiling as she remembered the rationing on Voyager. She still found
herself mentally tallying rations before replicating something and
then stopping herself with a laugh. She dialed up a cup of coffee and
wandered over to look out the enormous viewport the room offered.

B'Elanna was still as beautiful at 45 as she had been on Voyager, she
thought. And still as desirable. Kathryn sipped her coffee, her mind
returning to some of the happy times she'd spent in B'Elanna's arms.
Her heart felt squeezed. Their breakup had hurt her terribly, but
she'd been so afraid of making B'Elanna feel that she had to stay with
her. She could sense B'Elanna's faint restlessness and wondered
painfully if there had been another woman. She'd never found out that
there had been.

---

B'Elanna Torres' walk back to her bridge was slow and her thoughts
were ruminative. God, Kathryn was still beautiful, at 51, as much as
she had been on Voyager. Her heart had nearly stopped when she had
turned around upon hearing that voice, the voice she still heard in
her dreams. At their touch, she'd felt as though she'd grasped a live
circuit. She felt she'd managed to present a composed demeanor,
though. She'd learned to do that well as captain of the Askara. She
wondered how Kathryn had felt upon their meeting again. She'd seemed
happy to see her again.

B'Elanna entered the bridge and walked over to her chair and sat down.
"Are we ready to clear the station, S'kou?" she asked her second.
Enair turned from the console she was keying.

"Yes, Captain," she responded. "At your word." B'Elanna nodded.

"Then let's engage thrusters and set course for Coprar Prime, helm.
Speed factor six."

"Speed six, Captain," the pilot echoed. B'Elanna rose.

"I'll be in my office, Commander," she told Enair who nodded. "You're
in command." It had taken her several miscues during her first days of
command not to say, "You have the bridge" when she left the bridge,
but StarForce Alpha sought to be as different from Starfleet as
possible: uniforms, regulations, terminology. The ranks were the same
because making new titles proved to be cumbersome and confusing.
B'Elanna walked from the bridge into her office. She smiled,
remembering the times she and Kathryn had been in Kathryn's "office,"
i.e. ready room on Voyager. She wandered restlessly over to the
viewport, watching the space station grow smaller and smaller as the
Askara moved away from it. She couldn't stop thinking about Kathryn.

She glanced at a chronometer, noting that it was some eight hours
until dinner, when she would see her again. She sighed, smiling
crookedly. Like old times: counting the hours until she could see
Kathryn again. The only difference was that back then, she knew they'd
end up making love within a few minutes of seeing each other. She felt
her face grow hot as that thought danced around the edges of her mind.
Making love to Kathryn again. She shook herself slightly, coming back
to the present and reality.

After she and Kathryn had parted ways for good, once they'd seen that
they couldn't get back on their original footing, she'd tried to see
other women, but nothing had worked out. She'd submerged herself in
StarForce Alpha, learning their technology and regimen. She'd started
out as an ensign there, too, but her talents soon brought her to the
notice of the High Command.

And here she was, she thought. When she'd heard about the mission to
Coprar and that a Starfleet contingent would be coming along, she
hadn't thought Kathryn would be part of it. She had, B'Elanna
realized, probably made sure when she found out B'Elanna's ship would
be the carrier. Her heartbeat quickened at the realization.

---

Kathryn loosened the collar of her white linen shirt and prowled her
guest quarters restlessly. Too many memories. Too deeply ingrained
habits. She knew she didn't like being in some quarters on a ship.
She'd made a point not to travel on Starfleet ships because it was
just too hard to be a passenger instead of the captain. There were
times when she regretted accepting an admiralty. She'd always been
impatient with bureaucracy, so why had she gone into it? She shook her
head. This was a question asked and answered at least three times a
week. She'd been space-weary after returning to the Alpha Quadrant and
the Federation, and she'd felt...obsolete. Everywhere she looked was
new and unfamiliar technology, regulations, what-have-you.

Kathryn glanced at a chronometer. Damn. It was hours until dinner. Not
even lunch time yet. She drained her coffee and put the cup in the
recycle slot. She pulled the tail of her shirt out of the waistband of
her dress trousers, sat down and pulled off her boots and socks, and
then went over to the couch and sprawled across it, grinning. She'd
never have dared do this on board Voyager, she reflected. She'd always
had to be buttoned up, be The Captain. She eyed the replicator
musingly, wondering if Scotch rocks might taste good. In a minute, she
decided.

Her doorchime burbled and she started to sit up automatically and
button up and tuck in until she realized she didn't need to. She
stayed put. "Come in," she called.

B'Elanna stood in the doorway and as she saw Kathryn lounging on the
couch in uncharacteristic dishabille, she looked surprised for a
moment and then laughed aloud. Kathryn grinned and then laughed with
her. "I'm not disturbing you, am I?" B'Elanna asked.

"Not in the least," Kathryn said. "Do come in." B'Elanna sat down in
the chair next to the couch.

"Having fun?" she teased.

"Am I," Kathryn said. "I was just thinking: I'd never have done this
on Voyager." B'Elanna nodded. A short but not uncomfortable silence
fell. Then it became charged and Kathryn turned her head to see
B'Elanna looking at her with a look that was intent, sort of sad, but
electrifying. They were both very still, looking at each other.

"Kathryn...." B'Elanna whispered. Kathryn sat up and swung her feet to
the floor. She held out her arms and B'Elanna moved into her embrace
as though she'd never been out of it. Their mouths met in a kiss that
spanned and compressed the years. They kissed like desert travelers
slaking their thirst at an oasis. B'Elanna was at once consumed by
flame and encased in ice. Her heart felt like it would burst with the
joy that flooded her being. She could feel Kathryn's body tremble in
her arms and wrapped them more tightly around it.

Suddenly, Kathryn pulled out of her embrace and stood up, walking away
a few steps, making B'Elanna cry out in distressed surprise. Kathryn's
face was flushed and her chest heaved with her ragged breathing. She
put out her hand in a blind gesture.

"What?" B'Elanna exclaimed hoarsely. She stood up, her face flushed,
her eyes sparking with growing anger. Her fists were clenched.

"B'Elanna," Kathryn began, her voice pleading. "Let's think about what
we're doing here." B'Elanna stared at her, eyes still smoldering.

"All right," she said with dangerous calm. "I'm thinking." Kathryn
pressed her hands tightly together in front of her, her expression
intense.

"B'Elanna," she began, choosing her words as carefully as a soldier
walking through a minefield, "I don't want a one-night stand."
B'Elanna was still glowering. At Kathryn's words, her face flushed a
dark red and she abruptly turned on her heel and started for the door.
Kathryn caught her just before she reached it and turned her around.
She framed B'Elanna's face with her hands. "You're just as
hot-tempered as you used to be," she said tenderly. "Listen to me for
a minute." B'Elanna just stood rigidly, staring at her silently.
Kathryn reached down to take her hand and drew her back across the
room to the couch.

B'Elanna sat stiffly. Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose in a
familiar gesture that sent a sweet pang through B'Elanna's heart.
"B'Elanna," Kathryn began carefully, "what we had twelve years ago was
the most precious thing I've ever been privileged to be a part of. I
have regretted every day since we separated, not fighting harder to
keep you and make our partnership work."

"There was just as much burden on me, Kathryn, to make it work, as
there was on you," B'Elanna interjected hoarsely. Her throat ached.
Kathryn nodded absently as though only half-hearing B'Elanna's remark.

"I was both terrified," she said, "and elated at the prospect of
seeing you again." It was B'Elanna's turn to give a short nod of
agreement and Kathryn went on. "I refused to let myself hope that
there might still...." She paused, groping for the right words.
"...still be something there. Something of that love we shared on
board Voyager. I--" She faltered.

"I never stopped loving you, Kathryn," B'Elanna told her. "When we
decided to separate, I thought I would die from lack of having you in
my life." Kathryn looked startled, and pained. "But I thought it was
best at the time if I let you go, because I did not want to chain you
to me," B'Elanna finished. Her voice was tight with held-back tears.
For a moment they stared at each other in mute pain and memory.
Kathryn swallowed convulsively.

"You were chained to me irrevocably the day we exchanged vows in our
commitment ceremony," she whispered. "It was tearing my heart out to
let you go, but," she gave a sad laugh. "I didn't want to hold you
back, either." She sighed. "Such misunderstanding," she said. "I
didn't think it was possible for us to misunderstand each other so
thoroughly" B'Elanna nodded wordlessly.

"Can we go back?" she asked seriously. Kathryn did not answer right
away.

"I don't know," she admitted frankly. "Our lives have diverged so
greatly..." B'Elanna nodded. One or the other of them was going to
have to give up her life. And so, before they even contemplated
returning to a life together, there was already a substantial obstacle
in the middle of the road.

Kathryn leaned forward and stroked B'Elanna's cheek. B'Elanna took her
hand and turned the palm to her lips where she kissed it. "We have a
lot to think about," Kathryn whispered past the massive lump in her
throat. B'Elanna nodded, standing, her hand still in Kathryn's.

"Yes," she said. "Yes. I'll see you at dinner." And she turned and
left the room without another word. Kathryn leaned back on the couch,
drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them to her.

Dinner was not tete`-a-tete` as Kathryn had half-hoped. The other
senior officers were there and she forced herself to be the gracious,
witty, charming guest, but her thoughts never left the silent figure
at the head of the table. B'Elanna looked unfamiliar and aloof in her
dress uniform of slate blue twill with its high collar and StarForce
Alpha captain's insignia which was a gold Greek alpha symbol in the
middle of a round black disk. The collar and cuffs were trimmed with
narrow bands of gold and gold frogs fastened the tunic. A gold stripe
ran down the trouser sides. She wore one decoration over the left
breast pocket.

Kathryn smiled to herself, remembering how B'Elanna had hated the
Starfleet dress uniform, and wondered how she felt about this one. She
picked up the delicate goblet of Botanian wine and sipped it, enjoying
its light, dry taste. She felt a gaze on her and glanced at B'Elanna
who was watching her, her dark eyes warm. Kathryn gave her a quick
smile in return and turned her attention to the Askara's Ship's
Physician, a Vulcan, Dr. Luvek, who was asking her something about
their mission.

It was close to midnight when Kathryn returned to her quarters after
the dinner. She passed her hand over the sensor panel and stepped into
the dimmed quarters. She saw the shadowed figure sitting on the couch
in front of the viewport, but she wasn't startled because the
silhouette was too familiar.

"Lights." B'Elanna's voice brought the room's lights up and Kathryn
crossed the room.

"I'm glad you're here," she said simply. B'Elanna nodded.

"I remember little about dinner," she said. "I couldn't think of
anything but you, and...and what we have to discuss." For the second
time that day, Kathryn took off her dress jacket and tossed it on a
chair. B'Elanna was still attired as she had been at dinner. Kathryn
sat down beside her and took her hands in hers.

"I haven't allowed myself too much time to think about us over the
last years," she said. "It's been too painful. Sometimes, some night
when sleep won't come, the thoughts and the memories return unbidden."

"I know," B'Elanna said, her voice a raw whisper. Tears glinted in her
eyes. Kathryn leaned forward and kissed her. Again, it was as if they
had come back to something long lost, desperately needed, and
blessedly re-discovered. Kathryn fumbled with the unfamiliar StarForce
Alpha uniform fastenings, but finally pushed the tunic off B'Elanna's
shoulders. B'Elanna drew a deep, shuddering breath and with no finesse
and caring little, ripped Kathryn's shirt open and all but tore it
from her body. Kathryn was past caring and started to stand, to pull
B'Elanna toward the bedroom, but B'Elanna swept her up into her arms
and carried her in there. They were naked within minutes and they
collided with sweet violence and in mutual ecstasy. It was as if each
felt she had to make up for the lost time stretching across the years
they'd been apart.

B'Elanna devoured her body as though she might never get another
chance to sup this banquet. Kathryn was no less ferocious in her
response. After the first several wild, almost animalistic minutes,
after they had come in violent, racking, shuddering orgasms, they lay
for a bit, getting their breaths, on their sides, face to face,
looking at each other.

Time compressed. They were back on Voyager, in the Delta Quadrant,
newly committed to each other, deeply and joyously in love. B'Elanna
rolled over on top of Kathryn and kissed her gently, sweetly, savoring
her now, rather than devouring her. She took the time to kiss every
spot she could reach on Kathryn's delectable skin. Her tongue curled
around warm, sweet nipples, bringing them erect with aching need that
she assuaged to Kathryn's sighing delight. B'Elanna kissed her way
from Kathryn's breasts down her belly and to the insides of her
thighs. Nipping little kisses brought shivers of pleasure from Kathryn
who murmured wordless pleas for relief, her hands grasping B'Elanna's
dark hair to pull her closer. B'Elanna finally gave her the relief she
sought with her skillful mouth and tongue, eliciting an orgasm from
Kathryn that seemed to go on forever as Kathryn writhed and groaned
with pleasure.

They sat up in the bed, among the rumpled sheets, leaning back against
pillows still damp with sweat, and sipped glasses of icy Botanian wine
from the bottle B'Elanna had brought with her and put on ice before
Kathryn's arrival. Their fingers were entwined and ever so often, one
would lean over and drop a kiss on a shoulder or knee or cheek. Or one
would raise the other's hand and brush lips across the back of it, or
press a kiss to the palm. The discussion they had to have loomed
large.

"Where do we go from here." B'Elanna drained the last of her wine and
set the glass by the bed. It was not a question, and not a statement.
It needed to be addressed. One of them was going to have to give up
her present life.

"Well," Kathryn said musingly, "we could flip a coin." She chuckled as
B'Elanna gave a very soft, but very meaningful growl deep in her
throat. "Sorry. I'm trying to be lighthearted about this."

"It's not anything you can be lighthearted about, Kathryn," B'Elanna
said in sober rebuke. "One of us is going to have to make a drastic
change." Kathryn turned her head to look at the strong, proud profile
of the woman lying beside her. Her heart swelled within her. Nothing
in her life, nothing in the universe meant as much to her as this
woman. If being with her meant being a custodian on a deep space
station then she'd be it. She opened her mouth to speak, but B'Elanna
spoke first.

"You have too much invested in Starfleet to even consider giving it
up, Kathryn," she said.

"What about you?" Kathryn countered. "You're the captain of a space
ship--" B'Elanna made a dismissive gesture.

"Not something I fought and clawed my way to the top for," she said.
"It happened and I went along."

"Still, though, B'Elanna," Kathryn said urgently, putting a hand on
her shoulder and turning her to face her, "you can't just walk away
from a command. You--"

"Kathryn," B'Elanna interrupted her gently, "maybe I'm looking for an
excuse to walk away." Kathryn's brow wrinkled. "I left Starfleet after
we separated because I didn't want any reminders of you," B'Elanna
went on. "Not because I necessarily hated Starfleet." Kathryn studied
her thoughtfully.

"I see," she said finally. "I daresay, Starfleet will welcome you back
with open arms." B'Elanna grinned. Kathryn leaned over and kissed her.

---

The mission was completed satisfactorily. Upon her return to StarForce
Alpha headquarters, B'Elanna resigned her commission. Enair was given
her command and it was with great happiness that B'Elanna handed over
command of her ship to her former Chief Executive Officer. She and
Kathryn returned to Earth where she applied to return to Starfleet.
She didn't know if Kathryn eased her way back in or not, and didn't
really care. All that mattered was that she and Kathryn were together
and all was as it should be once more.

She was asked to become an instructor at the Academy and she accepted,
delighted to be reunited once more with Chakotay who taught
archaeology there and Tom Paris who was a navigation instructor.
Kathryn took an administrative position within Starfleet and so it was
that she and B'Elanna were together once again on terra firma. And
they were content, for the only adventure they needed now was the love
they had for each other.

---

Copyright 1998 ILuvKate

---

The End