The BLTS Archive - Decisions
by ILuvKate

---

B'Elanna Torres finished recalibrating the last half dozen circuits on
the control panel, ran a diagnostic to see if all was running properly
and then put her tools away in the case, closed the access panel. She
got to her feet, dusting off her trousers. She walked to the storage
room to put the toolcase away and as she entered, she saw that Susan
Nicoletti and Liann Lei were talking excitedly.

"I think it's high time, myself," Nicoletti was saying. "They've been
dancing around each other for four years, everybody knowing they were
in love except them."

"Isn't that the truth," Lei agreed. "You could see it in his face
every time he looked at her, and just look at how she depended on
him." They turned as B'Elanna entered.

"Lieutenant, have you heard about the Captain and Commander Chakotay?"
Lei asked the Chief Engineer who stowed the case and turned to her.

"No, what about them?" she asked.

"They've decided to get married," Nicoletti chimed in. B'Elanna became
very still.

"The Captain? and Chakotay?" she repeated. "Married?" Lei and
Nicoletti were looking at her curiously.

"Yes," Lei said. "They're going to be married. Next week."

"Oh," B'Elanna said weakly. "Well," the words suddenly seemed to stick
in her throat. "Isn't that wonderful?" She pasted a false smile on her
face as she felt her heart plummet to the soles of her feet.

"I think it's wonderful too!" Lei said enthusiastically. "They belong
together, and they've avoided doing that for too long."

"That's right," Nicoletti put in. "It's really silly the way they've
been denying that they love and need each other."

B'Elanna made noises that could pass for agreement and backed out of
the room, feeling suddenly smothered and claustrophobic. The other two
women continued to chatter about the upcoming wedding, and B'Elanna
fled to the haven of her office.

She stood in front of the small viewport in her office and stared
blindly out at the passing starscape, unheedful of the white smears
the streaking stars made as the ship sped through space. She can't be
in love with him, she thought numbly.

She had not squarely faced the fact of her immense attraction to
Captain Kathryn Janeway before the last couple of months. The last
four years had been so busy and hectic as Voyager just fought to
survive in this wild and untamed quadrant, that there had been little
time or opportunity to reflect on thoughts and feelings, and things
like who you loved or who you didn't. Nicoletti and Lei didn't seem to
realize that Kathryn Janeway had had far far more important things on
her mind than her First Officer and an attraction to him. Things like
how to keep a starship in one piece when there was no Starbase and no
Starfleet to back her up. Things like how to keep her crew in one
piece and not lose them to the violent and treacherous dangers that
seemed to make up the Delta Quadrant.

B'Elanna felt a rush of irritation. Why couldn't Nicoletti and Lei see
that? She did. She had known for much longer than a couple of months
that Kathryn Janeway was much more than a captain to her, but because
of their continuing fight for survival, she had repressed those
feelings, knowing that the captain needed no distractions, no
emotional entanglements for the present. Surely the time would come, a
time of peace and tranquility when all Voyager had to do was worry
about making the fastest possible speed toward the Alpha Quadrant, and
not who was going to try to blast them into oblivion during the first
moment of meeting.

Now it seemed such a time had come. For the past two months, Voyager
had had a peaceful journey. They had encountered five ships, all
carrying aliens eager to be friends instead of enemies. Technology had
been exchanged and five more years had been sheared off their journey.
Supplies had been taken on and stores were at their highest level
since leaving DS9 four long years ago. For the first time in four
years, the crew ate heartily and well. Replicators were even available
now, still on a limited basis, but there nevertheless. To top it all,
the Captain had coffee, and the crew smiled to see her enjoyment of
that little pleasure. Voyager had also come across two planets, also
friendly, one--one they'd just left--a pleasure planet on which the
crew had enjoyed a two-week long period of R & R.

Now, while things were good, B'Elanna thought, now was the time to
explore the feelings she had for Kathryn Janeway. She had been
thinking long and hard about how best to approach and solve the
problem. Kathryn was always friendly to her, even affectionate, and
B'Elanna knew that Kathryn valued her friendship, if not, cherished
it. She felt the same way, but there was also a powerful sexual
attraction, too, on B'Elanna's part. And here was where the sticking
point was.

Was Kathryn attracted to women at all? Was she only attracted to men,
and namely, her First Officer? B'Elanna had observed Kathryn quite
closely--naturally--over the last four years, and she was still as
clueless on this question as she was now. She supposed it was not
something you could detect just by observation. It was something you
learned from conversation and shared confidences, and somehow she and
Kathryn had never come to that level of friendship. B'Elanna supposed
it was merely the differences in their ranks, ages, cultures, and
ideology that precluded a close confidential relationship. They had,
after all, been on opposite political sides in the Alpha Quadrant. But
it was more the fact that Kathryn was the captain than any of the
others. B'Elanna knew that.

How did you handle this sort of thing? B'Elanna wondered. One could
hardly go marching into the Captain's Ready Room, or Quarters and
announce that she was in love with her and where was the bedroom.
B'Elanna often tried to imagine the expression that would appear on
Kathryn's face when she made her feelings known to her. She knew
Kathryn Janeway was too enlightened and too broadminded to be
disgusted by such a revelation, but would there be mild surprise,
followed, perhaps, by a look of pained realization. Or would there be
pleased surprise and a look of dawning realization of shared desires?

B'Elanna turned from the viewport restlessly. There was no way of
predicting what Kathryn Janeway's reaction would be upon learning that
her Chief Engineer would be. None at all. It was taking a chance, a
leap of faith to reveal her heart to her captain.

Well, now, it seemed, the time had come to either step forward and
make her declaration, or forever hold her peace. Apparently, Kathryn
had either gotten tired of long, lonely nights, or Chakotay had been
amazingly persuasive. She knew that Chakotay was in love with Kathryn.
He had talked to her one night in Sandrine's deserted and empty, as
they sat nursing drinks. She'd listened silently, murmuring the
appropriate responses here and there, and she'd felt sorry for him Her
own desires crowded to the surface during the conversation and it was
then she'd known she needed to make her move soon. Once Kathryn and
Chakotay were married, the door would be slammed closed on
opportunity.

Oh, Kathryn, she thought despondently, don't do this. I love you, and
I know, at some basic level, that you love me. You don't love him. You
can't love him.

---

Kathryn Janeway sat, or lounged, rather, on the couch in her Ready
Room, looking out at the passing panorama of space and stars speeding
past the streaking form of her starship as it sped toward home.
Actually, she was just staring out the viewport. She couldn't have
said what was going by the window. Her chin was propped on one elbow
and her face was pensive.

She was going to marry Chakotay. She'd made the decision this morning
after he proposed to her over a candlelit dinner at a holographic
Maxim's of Paris. They had enjoyed a pleasant evening of idle
conversation, gossip, and shiptalk; had supped at a sumptuous array of
dishes; and had danced several leisurely turns around the polished
dance floor to the tune of the orchestra seated to one side of the
room.

Languorous and relaxed, her mind meandering in lazy nowhere circles,
she'd been surprised by Chakotay gentle, if abrupt, foray into emotion
and commitment. "Kathryn," he'd begun, reaching across the snowy
linen to wrap her slender hand in his, "will you marry me?" She'd
stared at him blankly as the full import of his words sank in.

"Mmm, Chakotay....?" she'd responded lamely, playing for time while
she decided just how to accept this total bolt from the blue. "Marry
you?"

"You would make me a very happy man, Kathryn," he said. "I love you."

Yes, she thought. I should do this. It's been so long. Things are
stabilized now. I should start making a life for myself with someone
who loves me.

So she'd accepted his proposal. The joy that lit his face warmed her.
He would be a good partner for her. She had always felt secure with
him, trusted him. You don't love him. She suppressed that little voice
that suddenly popped up in her mind. I'll learn to love him, she told
herself. I already like him tremendously. You don't love him. The
insidious little voice insisted again. Stubbornly she ignored it. She
had been alone too long. She was tired of being alone, not having
anyone around who cared for her, who would look out for her, comfort
her when she needed it, give her a good swift kick in the pants when
she needed it. She grinned weakly. He was capable of that, too. Never
a "yes-man," he always expressed his views if they were different from
hers. You don't love him. I do, she insisted back resolutely. I do. I
have to. You don't love him.

---

B'Elanna spent a sleepless night, turning first one way and then the
other, seeking sleep which eluded her. She had studiously avoided
Kathryn and Chakotay for the rest of the day, hoping the captain would
not have a briefing or need a report. She had a decision to make and
she had to make it now before things went any further. She had to
assess the risks and damages.

If she went to Kathryn and revealed her heart to her, Kathryn would
react in one of three possible ways. She would be surprised and
accepting; she would be surprised but dismissive, or she would be
completely uninterested, but polite. The two latter were what B'Elanna
feared. She had no inkling of Kathryn's proclivities, none at all. The
fact that she was willing to marry Chakotay indicated that her gender
preference was men, but B'Elanna knew from experience that just
because a woman aligned herself with a man didn't necessarily mean she
preferred men. B'Elanna would have liked to think that the fact she
was attracted to Kathryn meant that Kathryn was a lesbian. Her
instincts had rarely been wrong before. She'd never developed an
attraction to women who were exclusively heterosexual. Her gut feeling
was that Kathryn desired women.

She didn't know how she would feel if Kathryn rebuffed her, however
kind and gentle she might go about it. Yes, she did. She'd be
devastated. Was it better to just go on loving Kathryn from afar, with
her dignity intact? To let the chance just pass her by and spare
herself the pain? Something else to think about was the fact she was
going to be in close proximity to Kathryn Janeway for the rest of her
life, quite likely. Was she willing to face her day after day, knowing
she'd revealed her feelings and had been rejected.

B'Elanna shuddered, there in the bed, lying on her side, one arm
curled under her head. She'd had enough rejection in her life. Why did
she want more?

Because she couldn't let this opportunity pass, she realized. She
could not bear seeing Kathryn bonded with Chakotay. It was wrong, and
she had to make Kathryn see it. She had never been as sure of anything
in her life as she was that she and Kathryn belonged together. Kathryn
would not reject her.

Breathing a deep sigh of relief, she turned over and drifted off to
sleep.

---

Kathryn slept poorly that night, too. You don't love him. You don't
love him. You don't love him. You don't love him ran through her head
like an endless loop tape. But he loves me, she tried to argue. The
voice changed tack. Are you willing to settle for that? To just be
loved? Not to love? Yes, she said firmly. Yes. If I let this
opportunity pass, I will die a lonely old woman. You don't love him.
Then who the hell do I love? she demanded fiercely. There was no
answer. No one came to mind. So shut up already, she said bleakly.

---

B'Elanna decided to approach Kathryn that morning and it was with firm
determination that she stood before the Ready Room door about a half
hour before her duty shift and pressed the doorchime.

"Come." Just the sound of Kathryn's voice uttering the short, terse
syllable made her heart beat faster. The doors slid aside and she
entered the room. Kathryn was seated on the couch, the remains of her
breakfast on the coffee table in front of her, a cup of coffee in her
hand. She smiled warmly as she saw B'Elanna and B'Elanna's heart
lifted. She loved the smile that lit Kathryn Janeway's face, and she
longed to be the one that brought a smile to that woman's face.

"Good morning, B'Elanna," Kathryn said. "Can I interest you in a cup
of coffee?" she added, gesturing with her cup.

"Are you willing to spare some to share?" B'Elanna asked teasingly.
Kathryn laughed.

"I certainly am," she said, "especially to the Chief Engineer who is
largely responsible for its being here." B'Elanna had been the one who
had discovered the trees bearing the beans they had found out were as
close to Terran coffee bean trees as anything was likely to be, and it
had been she who had devised a method for harvesting the beans from
the trees whose bark was poisonous to humans.

"All right, then," B'Elanna said, "I'll take a cup." Kathryn got up
and poured her a cup from the pot sitting on the dining table and
handed it to her as she came over to sit down on the couch.

"What can I do for you, B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked, leaning back
comfortably. She was suddenly aware how much she liked B'Elanna
Torres, how much she admired her brilliant mind, how much she depended
on her amazing skill and expertise. I don't know what I'd do without
her, she thought, sipping her coffee. And how beautiful she is, but
won't recognize it. Her mind drifted back, irrelevantly, to a fierce
game of hoverball she'd seen when B'Elanna defended her championship.
Grace and power in a trim, compact package.

"Captain," B'Elanna said, taking a large, fortifying gulp of the hot
coffee, and then taking an enormous breath. "I have something to tell
you. Just hear me out, first, before you say anything." Before you
throw me out on my rear, she thought apprehensively, her doubts
returning in a rush. Kathryn looked at her curiously but
attentively.

"All right, B'Elanna," she said. "Go ahead." B'Elanna felt her gut
clench. Now or never. The Rubicon was under her feet.

"Kathryn, " she began, ignoring the small frown that creased the
captain's brow at the use of her first name, "you can't marry
Chakotay. You don't love him." Kathryn's face drained of color and she
stared at her Chief Engineer. How did she know? she wondered numbly.
Was it that apparent?

"Uh," she began, but B'Elanna held up her hand and she fell silent.

"I love you, Kathryn," B'Elanna continued. "I want to be the one you
spend the rest of your life with. I want to be the one who takes care
of you. I love you, Kathryn." She felt like the words had boiled out
in an incomprehensible rush, but she knew they hadn't. She'd spoken in
a calm, reasonable tone.

Kathryn sat as though turned to stone. Or ice, B'Elanna thought
bleakly. She didn't even appear to be breathing. She seemed to be in
total and complete shock.

"B'Elanna," Kathryn said faintly, "I don't believe I heard you right."

"Yes, you did," B'Elanna replied. "You heard me say I love you, and I
do. With all my heart. I hope--" her voice faltered. "I hope you love
me, can love me, too." Kathryn's eyes widened and she stirred.

"You love me?" she whispered. You love me?"

"Yes," B'Elanna said firmly. "Chakotay thinks he loves you, but you
don't love him. I love you." Kathryn uncoiled herself from her seat on
the couch and paced away a few steps. Her expression was still
stunned. B'Elanna took heart in that. If Kathryn had been repelled by
her statement, that cool, unruffled mantle of command would have
wrapped her like a shield and B'Elanna would have been hearing a
gentle but firm rebuff.

"This has taken me completely by surprise, B'Elanna," Kathryn said,
seeming to regain some of her composure, but still shaken.

"I can imagine," B'Elanna said drily. "It's not every day a
declaration of love comes out of the blue." Kathryn had wrapped her
arms tightly about herself and was staring at B'Elanna musingly.

"You're right," she said in a low voice. "I don't love Chakotay." She
paused, her eyes still on B'Elanna. "I have always," she continued
slowly, as though considering every word, "liked to be around you,
B'Elanna. I have always loved your fire and spirit." She took a step
toward B'Elanna and her eyes narrowed slightly. "I have always," her
voice dropped to a husky whisper and B'Elanna felt a shiver ripple
through her. "I have always," Kathryn repeated, "thought you were the
most beautiful woman on this ship." Whatever B'Elanna had expected to
hear, it had not been that and she was caught off-balance.

"Uh...thank you...Kathryn," she said, not sure what else to say.
Kathryn was still staring at her with the same intensity.

"Yes," Kathryn said, as though answering an internal question. "I have
always felt an attraction for you, but I just never realized it, never
admitted it to myself." She took yet another step closer to B'Elanna.
"And now you have come here and declared your love for me." She held
out her hands to B'Elanna, and in an instant B'Elanna was up, her
hands in Kathryn's. Kathryn, still looking bemused, searched the
lovely face before hers, and once again, she nodded, as though
answering something to herself. They stood thus for a few seconds, and
then Kathryn drew B'Elanna into her embrace. They kissed and Kathryn
let B'Elanna lead. It was the longest and most satisfying kiss she'd
ever had, Kathryn realized when they finally drew apart. Kathryn
brushed her lips across B'Elanna's brow ridges and B'Elanna felt her
knees go weak.

"You have presented me with a most difficult task now, my dear,"
Kathryn murmured, still holding B'Elanna close, her fingers trailing
gently down B'Elanna's cheek. "I have to tell Chakotay I'm not going
to marry him." She sighed softly. "He's going to be extremely hurt."

"I know," B'Elanna replied, tightening her arms about Kathryn, "and
I'm sorry, but you can't live a lie."

"He loves me," Kathryn observed on a faint sigh of regret. "I know he
does." B'Elanna reached out and took Kathryn's chin between thumb and
forefinger.

"But you belong to me," she said in a firm, soft whisper. "To me, not
to him." Kathryn smiled.

"I'm not going back, my dear," she said. "It's you I love, and you
love me. That's the way it will be. Chakotay will just have to get
over it." B'Elanna sighed inwardly with relief. Kathryn reaction had
been far beyond her wildest dreams. Kathryn bent and kissed her. "Now
go on to Engineering. I have to talk to Chakotay." B'Elanna gave her a
squeeze and then left the Ready Room three inches above the deck. She
was aware of curious looks from fellow crew she passed on the way to
Engineering, but she continued on her way. Everyone would know sooner
or later.

---

His face sagged, hollowing his cheeks as Kathryn told him she couldn't
marry him. She hated causing him pain, but there was no way around it.

"Kathryn," he said pleadingly, "I know you don't love me like I love
you, but you can learn to love me."

"It's not that, Chakotay," Kathryn said gently. "It's that I have
found out I love someone else." His brow furrowed, distorting the
tribal tattoo.

"Someone else?" he echoed in astonishment. "On Voyager?" She smiled.

"No," she joked, "On Fabro Prime. Yes, of course, Voyager," she
continued.

"Who?" he asked. Kathryn took a deep breath.

"B'Elanna." He blinked. A faint flush dusted his cheeks and then
disappeared. He opened his mouth as though to say something and then
closed it again. He shook his head slightly as if to shake off a blow.

"B'Elanna," he said tonelessly. She nodded, looking sorry, but
resolute. "Why did you accept my proposal, then?" he demanded, a
thread of anger weaving into his voice.

"I'm sorry," she said. "B'Elanna came to see me. We talked and I
realized that it was B'Elanna I loved. You were right, Chakotay. I
don't love you. I accepted your proposal so I wouldn't die old and
alone." He stared at her for a few seconds. "I'm sorry," she said
again, making a futile, helpless gesture. "I should have examined my
own heart before I accepted your proposal." He gave a brief, abortive
nod and then stepped past her, heading for the Ready Room door. She
stood in the same place, her back to him, staring down at her clasped
hands.

He stopped a couple of steps from the door and turned. "I will always
love you, Kathryn," he said quietly. "And I'll always be here if you
need me." She turned slowly to face him. For what seemed to be several
minutes they looked at each other, but it was only seconds, and he
turned toward the doors and walked through them. As they slid closed,
Kathryn felt her heart lift and her spirit spread its wings. Her lips
curved in a smile at the thought of B'Elanna Torres. All that fire,
all that spirit, was hers now. All that power, all that grace, she was
about to explore and possess.

---

Copyright 1998 ILuvKate

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The End