The BLTS Archive - Revelations by Fiarah (voodoo_magic@hotmail.com) --- Disclaimer: I own nothing but student debt and certainly not fun things like TV characters. Published: 09-11-06 Updated: 09-11-06 Not a particularly new concept but I hope I managed a good take on it. Author's note: I saw this episode only once, a long time ago. I've augmented my memories of it through episode summaries, fanfics, and pictures. Any errors in the setting are therefore my fault. Perhaps it would have been more logical to write a fic about an episode I know well but this one was calling to me. Please feedback and let me know what you think! --- One night on New Earth, Chakotay awoke to absolute silence in the Starfleet-issue shelter he shared with Captain Kathryn Janeway. He looked into the darkness, listening. He was alone in the shelter. Sliding out of bed, he switched his sleeping garments for a shirt and pants and cautiously peered around the corner to Kathryn's alcove. He was beginning to get to used to calling her Kathryn full-time, although the occasional 'Captain' still got by him. Confirming that she was nowhere in the shelter, Chakotay stepped outside the door and looked around. There. In the centre of the clearing Kathryn lay on her back on a blanket, watching the stars. Chakotay hesitated, unsure of whether he should interrupt her. They were increasingly relaxed with each other but that didn't mean he could just barge in whenever. Chakotay decided that if she was simply stargazing, she probably wouldn't mind the company, and if she wasn't stargazing he wanted to know what she was doing, for her own good. He approached her on an angle where he thought she could see him coming; he didn't want to startle her. Kathryn glanced at him and acknowledged his presence with a slight nod, then turned back to the sky. Well, it wasn't exactly a stellar welcome. "May I sit down?" Chakotay asked, to be sure. "Yes, of course," Kathryn replied and slid over on the blanket to make room for him. Chakotay sat on the blanket then after a moment, lay down next to Kathryn gazing up at the stars as she was. "The constellations are starting to become more familiar," she said quietly, with a hint of pain in her voice. "I've been thinking about naming them," she added, to Chakotay's surprise. So far she had vehemently resisted putting down permanent roots in this place, convinced she could get them out of here. But this was starting to sound like a change of heart. Chakotay didn't know if that was good or bad. Perhaps a little of both. On one hand, it was upsetting to see her giving up, even in the slightest, because it meant she was giving up. On the other hand, chances were that they'd be here for the rest of their lives, which was still something his mind wouldn't let him fully comprehend. If Kathryn didn't let go of her fight to find a cure she would be deeply unhappy here and he didn't want that, for reasons neither of them were ready to acknowledge yet. They hadn't said anything after those few opening sentences but now Kathryn spoke into the silence in a raspy, low voice. "I miss Voyager." Chakotay propped himself up on one elbow to see her better. "All the time I spent on Voyager I was trying to get back to Earth, back to home. And now that we're here, all I want is to see Voyager again." She paused and Chakotay could see tears slide down her temples into her hair. "It's hard to imagine Voyager continuing home without us. Tuvok in my chair. My ready room. I trust him and I know he'll do the job to the best of his capabilities but I can't picture Voyager without us in it." She coughed to clear the tension from her throat; Chakotay didn't say anything. Kathryn hadn't talked like this since they'd been stranded on this planet and he didn't want to interrupt her now. "We'll never know," she said. "We'll never know if they made it home. Or how long it took. Or how many more people died." She looked at him fully. "I failed them. My crew. I made the decision that started this. I decided to destroy the Caretaker's array and now I can't be there to see it through. I don't know how to live with that." Kathryn closed her eyes as tears continued to fall. Chakotay decided that what his captain needed right now was comfort, not commiserating. He had his own fears and doubts but she didn't need to hear them yet. Her feelings weren't for the loss of her own life, although it had been completely lost as she knew it; her feelings were guilt for what she perceived as abandoning her crew and those emotions were stronger than any personal crises she or Chakotay might have. With that in mind, Chakotay determinedly closed the lid on his own emotions, slid an arm around Kathryn's back and pulled her into a sitting position where he wrapped his arms snugly around her. She hesitated briefly then returned the embrace, resting her forehead against his shoulder and seeking the physical comfort he offered. Everything seems more dramatic and unsure at night. "You didn't fail them," Chakotay said quietly into Kathryn's hair. "This was an accident. A horrible accident and there was nothing you could have done." She shook her head in denial and Chakotay couldn't think of anything else to say that would help, because really, nothing he could ever say would help with this. He held her tighter as she cried harder, letting her grieve. For that's what she was doing. She was grieving for the loss of her crew, her home, for Voyager and Earth, and for her life, as he knew she needed to. He would do the same at some point, hopefully with Kathryn there to help him. Chakotay ran his hands soothingly up and down Kathryn's back and along her arms. He stroked her hair and slid one hand into it, holding the back of her head to him. This was something he had never done on Voyager, mostly because she never let him get this close and partially because her hair was always bound up. He loved her hair and being able to run his hand along her scalp and through the long strands was something he'd wanted to do for a long time. As much as she was in pain, Chakotay couldn't help but enjoy the physical sensations this embrace was sending through his body. Not now, he told himself. He took those feelings and put them in the same place where the pain for the loss of his life was residing. It was a place he would come back to, but not now. --- Chakotay woke sometime later, cold, confused, and uncomfortable yet content. Okay, well, cold was because he was outside and covered in early-morning dew. Uncomfortable was because he has slept on the hard ground with just a blanket between him and it. The confused part was starting to fade away. But content. Why was he content? Chakotay awoke more completely and opened his eyes. The sun hadn't yet risen but there was enough light in the pre-dawn air to see by. He was lying on his back with Kathryn snuggled up to his side. She had one of her legs hooked around his. Her arm was draped across his stomach and his arms were wrapped around her. Ah, well, that cleared up the content part. As much as he wanted to, Chakotay knew he couldn't stay like this much longer; it was too painful. "Kathryn," he whispered reluctantly. No response. A little louder. "Kathryn." She stirred, unconsciously pressing her face into his chest and shifting her legs. /Damn my aching back,/ Chakotay thought. /Why couldn't we be inside on something nice and soft?/ Kathryn pulled away from him slightly, blinking. He thought she looked stunning, with that half-asleep look on her face and her hair everywhere. "Good morning, I suppose," she said quietly. "I'm sorry, I wouldn't have woken you but my back was strongly suggesting that I get up and go somewhere else," Chakotay said apologetically. "I'm sorry." Kathryn sat up immediately, untangling herself from him. "No, don't be. It was nice." She looked at him then, as he sat up, stretching. She paused then placed her left hand on his shoulder as she had so many times before. This time, she didn't leave it there but trailed her hand down his chest coming to a rest on his side. "Thank you," she said. "For listening. I know this has been just as hard on you as it has been on me and incidents like my display last night won't help anyone." "I don't know about that," Chakotay said, smiling slightly. "They say emotional catharsis is healthy." Kathryn laughed quietly and curled her fingers further around his side where they still rested. He stilled at the motion. For some reason, that simple touch was more powerful now than it was having her sleep at his side all night. /Probably because she was so upset last night and that contact was for a different reason,/ he mused, not entirely interested at this point. He was much more interested in how was she looked, sitting in front of him, and the way her hand felt through his shirt. Chakotay let his hand drift sideways to come and rest on Kathryn's, wondering where this moment was going to end up. For it had turned into a moment. One of those times where outside matters, like the rising sun and the chilly air, start to fade away and you can feel the flush in your cheeks and the heat in your body. Chakotay could practically feel his pupils dilating as Kathryn turned her hand over and laced her fingers through his. She closed her eyes briefly and reached the other hand up to trace the outlines of his tattoo. He shivered at the sensation. Chakotay lifted his free hand, the one that wasn't entangled with Kathryn's, to her face, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb before running his hand through her hair to the back of her head. Ever so gently he drew her toward him. Her mouth opened slightly and they looked at each other in that moment, an acknowledgement of what was happening. With one last move Kathryn wrapped an arm around the back of his neck and their lips connected. Chakotay parted his lips to meet Kathryn's in a mutual exploration almost immediately but the kiss was still slow. Their attraction had simmered for so long and now that it was exposed, it was almost like they didn't want to break it. Chakotay held Kathryn tightly around the waist as the arousal factor began to escalate. Hating to do it but knowing he had to, Chakotay broke away for air and started trailing kisses down Kathryn's neck instead. She gave a low hum of approval and he could feel it vibrate in her throat. Satisfied to stop for now and knowing what might happen if they didn't, Chakotay pulled away but kept a hold on Kathryn's hands. Those perfect hands. He wanted to make sure this was still okay. Kathryn cleared her throat, trying to clear the cloud of arousal. /Chakotay looks like he needed reassurance/, she thought. She smiled at him. "Come on. I'll replicate you some breakfast." "Oh, no you won't," Chakotay responded with that familiar slight grin. "I know what your cooking tastes like. If there's breakfast to be had, I'll be making it." He regarded her carefully. "But in all seriousness though, this is alright with you?" She nodded slightly and looked at him directly, connecting. "Chakotay, I don't know that I'll ever be able to move on past Voyager and my crew." A pause. "Tuvok's crew. Or stop thinking of ways to get us out of here. But you're the one person on the whole ship I'd want to be here with and I'd like to make what we can of our lives. What ever that turns out to be." She smiled. Then trying to diffuse the gravity of the conversation, said: "and we can start by making some coffee." Chakotay laughed, relieved at her response and stood up, pulling Kathryn to her feet with him. "What are you going to do when you can't replicate coffee any more?" She groaned. "Let's not think about that just yet." They picked up the blanket and walked toward the shelter. Fortunately, and unfortunately, Voyager appeared in the sky before coffee rations became a problem. --- Chakotay walked slowly to Kathryn's, /the Captain's/, quarters at her summons. He knew he didn't have to call her 'Captain' off-duty but he was trying to re-establish a sense of propriety and he suspected that's what she wanted to do by calling this meeting. Their growing relationship on New Earth hadn't gone much further than heated kisses and a silent acknowledgement of what was happening. Chakotay would brush Kathryn's arm as she walked by; she would rest her hand on his back when he was working in the shelter. There was a relaxation in their physical contact and connection that now had to be buried under protocols and rules. He was fully expecting her to slam down walls on their relationship although a small part of him hoped irrationally against it. Arriving outside her door he hesitated, and rang the chime. "Come," she called. He walked into her quarters and saw her almost immediately, standing at the viewport. She turned to face him, hair and uniform immaculate. "Chakotay. Thank you for coming. I assume you know why I want to talk to you." Her voice was so formal it hurt. "You understand that what happened on the planet... " She trailed off. "We can't continue that relationship anymore. The reasons for waiting are now just as applicable as they were before." She looked at him, some of the formality falling away. "Chakotay, I'm sorry. Knowing Voyager had returned made me feel so relieved and grateful and incredibly fortunate. But what we started... I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you. Can we continue as we were before? I want to know that we're going to be all right, professionally and personally. You mean too much to me to let something happen to us but we have to go back. We have to." She took deep breath. "I can't ask you to wait. That's too unfair. But if you are... I'll be waiting for you too." The last sentence made the ache of the first ones fade away as Chakotay realized that this wasn't what he'd expected. No, they weren't going to continue their increasingly intimate relationship but she wasn't going to shut him out. He felt a flare of pleasure. "Kathryn. I'm going to wait as long as you want. As long as it takes. I know how much you care for the crew and that you need to maintain Federation standards on Voyager. I know you're doing this because you think it's best for the ship. I don't want to question those beliefs. Kathryn, if you ask me now or in the Alpha Quadrant, whenever we get there, I'll be here for you." Kathryn's eyes shone with tears but they didn't fall. "Thank you," she whispered. "I don't deserve that kind of loyalty." "One day, Kathryn. One day I'll show you just how much you do." --- The End