The BLTS Archive- All That's Left Standing by Emony (ro_laren@my-deja.com) --- Disclaimer: The characters and settings contained herein are the property of Paramount. The author does not intend to infringe, only to pay tribute. No profit will be made by posting this story. This story contains sexual content and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18 --- Ezri walked into Quark's, and slumped onto the nearest stool. It was at least two hours since she'd left their quarters, but her heart was still pounding. She couldn't believe what Julian had implied . . . that he didn't know if he truly loved her . . . and what was worse was that she didn't really know herself anymore. She never wanted to be joined. The choice, though not really a choice at all, was made in a critical moment when she was the only one available to save Dax's life. She had been totally unprepared for the onslaught of memories, emotions, and confusion. Even now, she wasn't sure she'd grown accustomed. The life she had was some sort of strange mixture of familiarity she didn't truly feel, and trying to assert an individuality that was drowning beneath a collective consciousness. Julian only loved her because she was part Jadzia? Why was that so terrible? Ezri couldn't deny that she was part Jadzia. She lived on the station where most of Jadzia's memories were formed, interacted with Jadzia's friends . . . slept with Jadzia's husband. At times she'd thought there was more Jadzia in her than there was Ezri. But Julian, he belonged to her alone. At least, that's what she told herself. Her feelings for Julian were independent, an action of Ezri Dax without the influence of her other conflicting inner voices. She believed that to be true when she accepted his proposal, and nearly believed when they were making love. There was a whisper, a tiny, minute voice, that told her perhaps that was still the Jadzia in her, but she easily ignored it in favor of happiness. Why had this come out now? It would have been so easy to live out her life with the good doctor, not caring why she loved him. What did that matter, anyway? Love doesn't ask why, so why should they? Then, the answer came to her, plain as day. "Lieutenant, what can I get for you this afternoon? I just got a shipment of the latest in synthale from Earth, and some of it is actually drinkable, for a human beverage." Quark appeared, interrupting her thoughts with his interminable salesman's smile. "Better give me some of the real stuff, Quark. I'll take whatever you have in a whiskey or gin, anything you haven't watered down. And make it a double." "Ezri, it isn't like you to drink like that, is there something wrong? . . . not that I'd discourage you, I have a fine selection of well-aged rye, it's a little more expensive but worth the extra . . ." Ezri rolled her eyes. "Just pour me the drink, Quark. And put it on my tab." Quark smiled, and bowed his head slightly. "Whatever you say, Lieutenant, I'm here to serve." When Quark handed her the drink, she muttered a small thank you and took a long pull. The liquor burned in the back of her throat, and she wasn't used to the strength of real alcohol. Nonetheless, it made her feel better, and she finished it in no more than four gulps. "Another drink, Lieutenant?" Quark asked, looking rather bewildered. "I'd better not, Quark, but thank you." "That's fine, I'll be right here if you change your mind. And just between you and me, I never thought that doctor was right for you anyway." "What makes you say that?" Ezri glared at him, then realized her misery was probably written all over her face. "Well, it's been my experience that a young woman like yourself doesn't march alone into a bar and order the strongest drink she can get unless it's some sort of love problem. I am a bartender, you can talk to me about it if you'd like." Ezri managed a small chuckle. "Quark, even if I did have love problems, you're probably the last person I'd turn to." Quark shrugged, then returned to his work. The whiskey was already taking effect, and Ezri decided to return to the Promenade and maybe make her way home. If she had a home left. The alcohol was not helping, and as she neared their quarters she became more and more worried about what awaited her there. She'd left Julian very upset, hiding her own emotions from him so he could make up his mind impartially. But the truth was, she was terrified that he would decide he didn't want her after all, and the only thing left standing in her otherwise tumultuous life would be lost to her as well. He was all that distinguished her from Jadzia, she thought bitterly. Every other aspect of her life mimicked her former host's almost to a tee, but this love, this stability, made her feel like that person she used to know, that Ezri Tigan she would never be again. If only she could believe that was really the truth. Why was she so afraid that Julian only loved the Dax in her? That it was only the Dax in her that loved him? Ezri knew that one day, after a longer time than this, she would grow to live with the symbiont and control its many voices and memories. Ezri would reassert herself. Then, they would both know once and for all if it was Ezri's love or Jadzia's, if it was real or just a remnant of a lost consciousness. That was a question she didn't know if she wanted the answer to. Arriving home, Ezri paused a moment at the door. She supposed that it was now or never, but she knew she wasn't prepared for the possible consequences. Taking a deep breath, she walked inside. Julian didn't look at her when she first came in. He was packing a duffel bag, and seemed absorbed. Ezri didn't know what to say. "Julian . . ?" He looked up, but would not meet her eyes. "Ezri, I wasn't expecting you back so soon." "Where are you going?" she cried, tears welling up. "I thought I'd find some medical supplies to escort to Cardassia. Ezri, I need more time to think about this." "What's there to think about, Julian?" she demanded, more upset because of the alcohol in her system. "Either you love me or you don't, I actually think it's pretty simple." He looked at her at last, injury behind his expressionless face. "It isn't simple at all. You know that. I'm not sure that I'll ever come up with a good answer." He walked over to her then, still standing in the doorway, and put his hands on her shoulders. A tear fell down over her cheek, and he brushed it away. "It's best that I leave, Ezri, at least for now. You understand . . ." "I understand this, Julian," Ezri said, voice breaking but filled with conviction, "if you walk out that door now, I'm not sure you'll ever come back. I'm not willing to take that risk. Please, Julian, stay and talk to me. These last months must have meant something to you . . . we're engaged for Gods' sake! Why are you suddenly so bothered by all this now?" Julian looked at her a moment, then took her by the hand and sat down on the couch. "Ezri, I can't stop thinking about her. When I close my eyes at night, she's all I see . . . it's as if she's haunting me." Ezri grimaced at that, not sure how to react. How does one feel jealous of a part of herself? She sighed heavily. "There are times, Julian, when I don't know myself if it's only the Dax in me that finds you attractive, that wants to be with you. I don't know how joining is supposed to go . . . I'm not even sure if I'm myself anymore. But throughout all that, do you know what I held on to? I held on to you . . . knowing you loved me, knowing you were there to guide me through these moments of doubt. You are the only thing in my life I count on." "But Ezri, doesn't it bother you that I dream about her?" "Of course it does. But at the same time . . . Jadzia's just an aspect of my personality now, and I can't deny you access to that. What does it matter why we love each other? Isn't it enough that we just do?" Julian smiled a little at that, and put his arm around her. "I guess we'll find out," he said simply, then got up to unpack. Ezri knew that didn't mean the storm was over, but at least it was a start. --- She walked slowly into the bedroom, the starlight playing over the shimmery white of her silk nightgown, to where Julian lay waiting. He breathed in every part of her; her dark, soft hair, her eyes as blue as the deepest ocean, her pale skin seeming ethereal in the dim light. She was so very beautiful, and she belonged to him. Unable to wait any longer, Julian stood up from the bed and walked to meet her, enveloping her in his arms and losing himself in the gentlest, most passionate kiss. He moved to trace his tongue along her spots, and felt the shiver rise up her spine as she inhaled sharply. He kissed her neck, the hollow of her throat, feeling her pulse against his lips and thanking the gods that she was his. When they reached the bed, he lifted the delicate white silk over her head, revealing her flawless, exquisite body. He wanted to run his hands over ever part of her at once, but settled for her pert, perfect breasts, nipples responding instantly to his touch, skin hot despite it's white colour. "Julian . . ." she whispered, breathlessly. He laid back on the bed, and she crawled on top of him, every part of his body charged with lust and desire where her skin made contact with his. He let himself go, lost in ecstasy as she ran her tongue over his body, leaving a trail of tiny kisses like a string of pearls. Before they blended together, body and soul, and all thought left him, Julian whispered into her ear. "I love you, Ezri." Then there was joy, pleasure, and nothing else. --- The End