The BLTS Archive- Why Me?
by Catherine Ellis (catherine_ell69@hotmail.com)

---

The story is set three years after 'All Good Things'. It is written
from Beverly's point of view as the events unfold.

---

Why me? Pulaski knows more about artificial heart-transplants and Dr
Selar is more familiar with Vulcan physiology - but then I'm
forgetting - he is half-human. Picard said he was very specific about
his request, he wanted "Dr Beverly Crusher to accompany him to the
Starbase hospital and to participate in the  operation". Well,
whatever his reason, I'm flattered and more than a little curious.

He looks older and frailer than I'd expected.  As he steps down from
the transporter platform he struggles to keep his balance. When I
offer to help he resists, then relents and lets me take his arm. I
introduce myself but he says he knows who I am. As we make our way to
the ship's medical section, the Vulcan crew looks on. They  look
slightly disapprovingly at the pair of us.

This VSS Sudvak is small compared to the Enterprise but everything is
brand new and impressive.  The Chief Medical Assistant takes me round
their sickbay and explains the purpose of the equipment. She
apologises for the absence of doctors,  "a brief staffing problem
which we will soon rectify". From her manner I think she resents my
presence, but she's Vulcan and I must not assume I understand her. 
Perhaps, like me, she's just puzzled by why I have been chosen.

When we return to Spock he is lying on a bed. I ask his permission
and run my scanner over him. Several people are watching. I know what
I'm doing but this scrutiny is unnerving. He's an important patient
and a very sick man. I don't want to be known as 'the doctor who let
Spock die'. As I work he touches my arm. I turn to reassure him but
see that it is he who is reassuring me. I smile and squeeze his hand.
The Assistant purses her lips. Pandering to the emotional needs of
humans is not the Vulcan way.

Spock's condition concerns me. Cardiac problems are always dangerous.
Even as I finish my examination his heart rate begins to fluctuate. I
ask for 10cc of Nalethadol but the Assistant overrules me. She says
Dimortezene is the normal treatment and prepares a hypospray. I hurry
round the bed to stop her. Dimortezene would be fatal to a half
human.  I stand my ground, certain I am right. I rattle off the names
of two studies on Dimortezene and two more that I make up. The
Assistant seems convinced. She allows me to give him the Nalethadol
and to my relief it works.

We settle him down again and I volunteer to stay with him while he
rests. Somehow I have become 'his protector' - saving him from the
callous Vulcans. That's nonsense, of course, but my human imagination
is running wild.

At three in the morning he wakes. I do a few checks and make him
comfortable but say nothing. I'm sure he wants it this way. After a
while he asks for some food and I join him.  As I sip my tea he
starts to talk.

"How do you judge my chances, doctor?"

Anything but the truth would be an insult to this man.

"About 4 in 10. There is always a high risk of rejection with
patients of mixed species. In your case there is also some
deterioration of the artery from the lung to the heart."

He shows no reaction, I might have told him the time of day. He
continues, "Humans used to think the heart was the home of the  soul.
To replace it was to kill the essence of the patient."

"Do you see it like that?"

"No doctor. But a part of me will die. My heart will be dead, and
with it I will lose the ability to mind-meld."

I'm stunned. What do I say?

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"There is no reason you should. It is an aspect of Vulcan physiology
even Vulcans do not understand."

I'm reminded of being linked to Jean-Luc and of how I long to repeat
it. To lose such an ability would be devastating.

He senses my empathy and, once again, touches my arm. We sit in
silence, our hands touching.

Suddenly, out-of-the-blue, he says, "You want to know why I asked for
you."

"Yes please." I laugh. "You see I'm surprised you even know of my
existence."

"Barrogi Fever. You wrote a paper on how it mutates."

"But that was ... 20 years ago! ... And it never led anywhere. A
Vulcan scientist found a cure a couple of years later."

"I know, I worked with his research team. You underestimate your work
doctor. It was your paper that gave him the idea that led to the
cure."

"I'm glad."

"Your contribution should have been acknowledged at the time."

"That's gracious of you to say so, but surely that's not why I'm
here?"

He smiles. "You are correct, I have another motive." He hesitates.
"Dr Crusher, you were present when my father performed a mind meld
with Captain Picard."

"That's right." My stomach tightens as I remember it, Jean-Luc was in
tears. "I met Captain Picard soon after my father's death, he offered
me the opportunity to meld with him - to sense my father's thoughts,
to know how he felt about me."

Spock's finding this difficult. I stay silent and wait for him to
recover his poise.

"... Over the years I have melded with many humans. What I learnt of
each of them is still here in my mind. I can retrieve their memories
as though they were books I read long ago ... With Picard it wasn't
like that. The intensity of the emotions Sarek passed to him were
overwhelming ... I wasn't prepared for them, my mental shields
weren't strong enough. The result was a 'leaking' into my own thoughts
and memories. ... there are times when I have difficulty  telling
where my thoughts end and Picard's begin."

He takes another rest before continuing. "He was the last person with
whom I melded. Since him there have been no new thoughts. In two days
time I will not be capable of melding anyone."

He looks at me, wondering if I have caught his drift.

I'm not certain, I just stare back and wait for him to continue.

"Picard is almost Vulcan in nature - analytical, self-controlled.
During these past years on Romulus I have come to value his thoughts.
The arguments we have - up here (he taps his head) - help me to
clarify my ideas. But it is not just his logic I value.  I have also
been drawn into ... into his emotional life." Spock pauses again and
waits my approval to continue.

I lift my hand from his. I no longer feel comfortable with physical
contact. I'm disturbed but also fascinated. "Go on." I tell him.

"Picard thinks about you ... a lot. And because he thinks about you,
I think about you. " He rushes on, eager to speak before I can cut
him off. "I can't help it. I can't help but wonder how you feel about
him. It's like a half-finished story reverberating round and round my
head. ...."

I'm shocked, is the great Spock a voyeur! Is he no better than the
Ullian who probed my worst memory?

I protest. "You want me to tell you my feelings!"

"No! Not exactly. What I want is for you to mind-meld with me. I know
it would be  an invasion of your privacy. I know I'm asking you to be
intimate with a stranger, but you see to me you are 'not' a stranger.
You are the Beverly I have come to know through Picard's thoughts."

A monitor bleeps, his heart rate is rising. I prepare a dose of
Kapore, glad to have something medical to do.

He keeps talking, determined on saying all that he has been bottling
up. "I have to know more of your story. Without it I cannot face the
operation, I cannot give up my ability to mind-meld."

The Medical Assistant enters. She's come to relieve me. She takes one
look at him and stares at me. What have I done to him? She's
concerned at his state and rightly so.

I feign innocence.  "His heart rate rose to 120 over 90, I gave him
10cc of Kapore. It's now back to 70 over 40. Can you take over? I'd
like to get some sleep."

She agrees, willingly.

I turn to the Ambassador and say "Good-night". He grabs my lab coat.

"Think about it. Promise me you will think about it."

His eyes are sunken, he's exhausted. Am I talking to a dying man.? I
promise and leave the room.

---

Sleep eludes me. I want to ignore his request till the morning but
it won't leave me alone. Spock's words, Sarek's meld with Jean-Luc,
our experience on Kes Prytt - they're all churning over in my mind. Is
this what it's like for Spock? Desperate for sleep I fetch a
hypospray and give myself a sleeping draft. It works.

---

It wasn't a dream. I'm sure Spock asked me to mind-meld with him! Over
breakfast I try to think rationally about his request. It's not  easy,
it's an emotional issue and I can't decide what's right. I wish I had
a friend here to talk it over. Jean-Luc? No! Anyone but  him. He's too
closely involved. If it wasn't for him it wouldn't be  so difficult.
Will I learn things about Jean-Luc he wouldn't want me  to know? But
then why should Jean-Luc's wishes be paramount? Part  of me wants to
say 'yes' because I pity Spock and his future without  melding.
Another part of me is flattered by his request. If I'm  honest with
myself I'm a little attracted to him. What were the words he used?
"Intimate with a stranger" - it's certainly that.  Jean-Luc learnt
more about Sarek from that one meld than I learnt  about Jack from
years of marriage.

Oh, I don't know.

If I agree will Spock get what he wants? Will he be disappointed Jean-
Luc and I aren't lovers? Will he still have a half-finished story
running round his head? Melding tempts me but I feel I would be being
unfaithful to someone though I'm not sure whom.  Jack? Jean-Luc?
Myself? Why unfaithful? It's not sex, it's just melding - but then it
isn't 'just' melding. Is it? Isn't melding more intimate than sex?

Stop this Beverly! You are driving yourself crazy. Forget what Spock
wants. Forget what Jean-Luc or anyone else might think. Do I Beverly
want this experience?

--

As I enter sickbay the Chief Medical Assistant takes her time about
acknowledging my presence. She tells me "he's had a peaceful night -
since you left".

Is this a rebuke or just a statement of fact? She seems reluctant to
leave him in my care. After an awkward few minutes Spock persuades
her to go.

"Dr Crusher knows what she is doing. You should take a break Burok."
The Assistant complies but stops to talk to a colleague on the way
out. I'm left in no doubt that someone has been instructed to watch
me.

I run my scanner over my patient and try to avoid his eye.

"Well doctor, what is your answer?"

His voice is calm; the emotions I saw last night are hidden under a
Vulcan facade. I look into his eyes for several seconds. I have no
doubts.

"My answer is yes."

He allows himself a raised eyebrow.

"Might I know what motivated your agreement?"

"You'll learn that when we meld. Anyway, why do you ask? Are you
having second thoughts?"

"No doctor. I am just curious."

As we pick a time I feel like a teenager  - arranging an illicit
date. His bio-monitor starts to bleep;  his heart rate has risen
again. I give him an anxious glance.

"Ambassador, you aren't strong. Should you really be pursuing this?
Should I - your doctor - be agreeing?"

"I will admit to some feeling of anticipation, but I can assure you I
foresee no risk of dying. In fact our melding should help my chances
of surviving the operation."

 I'm relieved. I put my hand out to touch him but hesitate. Should I
avoid physical contact? I don't know. I touch him anyway and feel
better for it.

--

During the day I pass the time reading medical texts and learning
everything there is to know about Vulcan heart-replacement. Dr Duron
will lead but I want to be capable of taking over if anything goes
wrong. I don't want to be calling on Dr Pulaski for help. Even after
all these years it still irritates me that she replaced Jean-Luc's
heart. Irrational I know but I'm possessive about his body - even the
artificial bits!

---

The time has come - 20:00. Burok and the others have just left for a
staff meeting. We did not want the risk of an audience for our
activity. I approach his bed. Now what do I do? Are there traditions
associated with melding? Do I lower the lights? He guesses my
thoughts and helps me out.

"I need to touch your face, otherwise arrange things as you wish." I
fetch a chair and seat myself at his side resting my elbows on the
bed.

My stomach is turning over; I'm scared but determined.

"Ready Beverly Howard?"

His strength gives me confidence. "Ready Spock."

Strong fingers search my face, I can feel him seeking the best point.
A thrill of excitement rushes up my spine. My eyes close and I hear
the familiar words...

"My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts ..."

--

I wake feeling drained and mentally numb. I have only the vaguest
recollection of events after our meld. In two hours time I have a
difficult operation. What was I doing melding on the eve of such a
responsibility?

Inside my head several voices seem to be talking. I block them out
and concentrate on what I have to do.

Over night Spock has been transferred to the Starbase. I won't see
him again until the operation. Burok accompanies me to the hospital.
She watches me intently but says nothing. I ignore her. Today her
opinions do not bother me.

When Spock is brought in to the theatre, one of the internal voices
takes over my thoughts. 'Spock is mine. He is part of me and I of
him.'

I'm the one who goes forward to greet him, to check he still wants
the operation. We don't need words today. When I touch his hand he
understands my question and responds in kind. I convey his agreement
to my colleagues and we begin.

Duron makes an incision and opens up the ribcage. The heart does not
look healthy and I'm relieved. Participating in its 'killing' is
easier to take. After several more cuts it is me who has to move the
dead organ to a bowl. The operation takes a long time. It takes Duron
several attempts to successfully connect the artificial heart. Though
the join is good Spock is in trouble and I sense my leader's
exhaustion.

"Shall I?"

My offer is accepted and I immediately take over.

I'm inspired today. I close up in record time surprising even myself.
Spock's lungs soon take over his breathing enabling me to disconnect
him from the machines. Even the Vulcans let out a sigh of relief.

We let him sleep. In the recovery area I'm the one who sits with him.
I have little to do now so I can relax. Relax and listen to these new
thoughts and memories that are crowding my mind. I close my eyes.  One
of the memories forces its way into my consciousness.

I am back on the Enterprise, in Picard's quarters. He is recovering
from his meld with Sarek. I know this event from my own past but now
I'm experiencing it from Jean-Luc's. I can sense the despair he has
caught from Sarek, the longing to express emotions. I feel Jean-Luc's
relief when I cradle him in my arms. Crying drains the tension from
his body, the softness of my breast comforts him.

I shudder and snap out of it. It is frightening but also compelling.
It is more real than a holo novel, more intense than reality. Is this
what it's like this for Spock?

I carefully dip into these new memories again. This time I aim to be
in control, to select the memory for myself. Spock's mental strength
seems to have come with the  meld and I am able to do it. I pick one
of his memories - the moment he first met me just two days ago. He
recognises me, notices I am older, but still considers me  beautiful.
My smile elates him. He wants to look good in my eyes. As  he steps
off the transporter his muscles fail him, he is annoyed at  showing
his frailty. Then he remembers who he is - he is Ambassador  Spock and
not Captain Picard. He is a sick old man and I am his  doctor. He
relents and lets me take his arm.

Spock warned me how Picard's thoughts had leaked into his own but I
had not expected this - a stranger who thinks he is my Jean-Luc.

He stirs and wakes. For a moment he is disorientated and emotional.
It is distressing to see. Then the stoical, self-controlled Vulcan
takes over. "There is nothing to be concerned about, Doctor. I am
fine."

"I'm delighted to hear it." My own heart rate is elevated. I call
Burok over and we put him through various tests, checking his
reflexes and his control of his limbs. As we work a strange sensation
comes over me, it's as though I am possessed. It passes quickly but
it unnerves me.

---

As we approach  Starbase 42 I catch sight of the Enterprise hanging
in space. She looks beautiful and she's mine! My heart leaps. She's
never made me feel this way before - is this how Jean-Luc feel's? I
hope so but then I remember and I grieve for my friend with his
unresponsive heart.

The Starbase is busy and docking takes a long time. As we wait I
dwell on Picard and what I've learnt about him. The Jean-Luc I know
through Spock existed 5 years ago. How much has he changed? Is the
present man very different? The other Beverly's interested too but
only in whether she still has the power to captivate him.  She's not
the only one who'd like an answer to that question.

The transit lounge is crowded but I catch sight of Jean-Luc talking
to a Starfleet admiral. I know I shouldn't disturb him but I alter my
route to cross his line of sight. As I do so I turn and give him a
smile. He beams involuntarily and then coughs into his hand to hide
his reaction. Are you satisfied Beverly?

When we finish our tests Spock wants to get up. "Not so fast,
Ambassador. You're not Jean-Luc Picard. He was a fit man before his
two operations, your muscles have been weakened by weeks  of
inactivity. Tomorrow you can take some gentle exercise under my
supervision. Today you will stay where you are."

He accepts this - after all my argument is logical.

Burok stays with us double checking his bio-readings. Since my
participation in the operation her confidence in me has risen. Is she
trying to impress me with her thoroughness? Whatever her motive I
wish she would leave.

"I think the Ambassador needs to rest now."

My abrupt manner surprises me but does not distrub her. If anything
she seems to like it.

When she is out of earshot I glance at Spock but look away before I
catch his eye. I busy myself with fetching a chair and positioning it
next to his bed. I am nervous, why? I raise my head and look at him.
He knows me! He knows me as I know myself.

He tells me why I agreed to the meld. "... because you wanted
Picard's thoughts."

"Yes." I whisper.

"And you're ashamed of that."

"We didn't ask him if he was willing."

"You could have contacted him, Beverly. You had the opportunity
before our meld."

"And you could have told him what you had in mind when you requested
my presence."

We both know why we said nothing - Jean-Luc might have said No. Our
shame leaves us silent for a while.

"You and Picard had a kind of melding, on Kes Prytt."

"Yes." Memories flood back to me. "But it wasn't like a Vulcan meld.
We were only aware of each other's current thoughts."

"Nevertheless it was quite ... intimate."

Inside my head that other presence surfaces again. It wants something
but what I don't know. I try to identify the wanter and get a shock.

"Beverly? Doctor?" Spock is shaking my arm, trying to raise me.
"What's wrong?"

I'm flushed and breathing hard. "There's an extra 'me' up here. It is
as if melded with myself only the other me is more .. is more intense
than I am."

Spock looks alarmed and guilty.

"I'm sorry Beverly. I'm afraid this is my fault, I continued the meld
too long. What you are experiencing is some of your own thoughts
reflected back from me.... "

My breathing is erratic. I MUST NOT panic. I hurry out the room.
Getting back to my quarters is difficult. I have to force my brain to
concentrate on walking.

Once there I lie on my back and let the thoughts take over. Inside my
head several characters are jostling for control - only two of them
are me. I'm exhausted, I give up and let the others battle it out.
After what seems like hours they fall silent. Peace at last! I can
fall into a deep and welcome sleep.

---

As I prepare my breakfast I'm aware the other Beverly is still there.
She's not a stranger, I recognise her but can't remember where from.
She's more forceful, more obsessive than I. She needs something but
doesn't know what. As I finish eating a call comes in from Starfleet.
They want me back on the Enterprise. I'll have to leave today.

Spock looks different - healthier but also something more. After
checking his bio-signs I help him up and supervise his first walk. He
holds my arm and we make three journeys across the room before
resting. Without being asked Burok leaves us, she's used to our
private sessions.

We stand holding each other, conscious of our closeness.

"How are you Beverly? Is the other 'presence' still with you?"

"She's there, but calmer than yesterday. How about you? Has the story
moved on?"

He allows himself a quick smile. "Your relationship with Picard is
more complex than I had realised, quite fascinating."

"You're not disappointed?"

"Not in the least. I had not anticipated the ... range of your
experience."

I'm blushing and decide to tease him back. "Any particular
'experience' that interests you?"

"Odan is unusual, but Ronin is the most unexpected and welcome
surprise."

Inside my head the other Beverly reacts violently and I realise where
she comes from - she's the me who was addicted to Ronin, who craved
his presence and his touch. But I got over him, so why is she back?
I'm having difficulty composing myself. Spock watches me intently. We
both know what I am thinking about - how I both enjoyed and suffered
from my addiction. I realise now why the other Beverly exists, she's
the woman Spock wants me to be.

No wonder he's fascinated by my thoughts. He blushes and abruptly
changes the subject.

"Today has brought me another welcome surprise. I haven't lost an
ability I was expecting to lose."

"You can still mind-meld?"

"No. That's gone for good."

He lifts my right hand and places it over his heart.

"Feel anything?", he asks.

"Yes."

"So can I - that's the surprise. Picard can't feel his heart. He can
sense emotions mentally but he can't feel his heart respond to
exhilaration or fear."

I search through the thoughts Spock has passed to me and find Jean-
Luc's. There it is, intense and raw. It's a loss Jean-Luc has never
got used to, one that makes him feel more android than human.

"That's not right!" I insist. "He ought to be able to feel it. The
nerve signals from an artificial heart may be different but he ought
to be able to sense them." I try to think up an explanation. "Maybe
the messages are getting through but his brain doesn't know how to
understand them."

I'm irritated with Jean-Luc. Why didn't he tell me he couldn't feel?
But then why should he? Maybe he thinks this is normal.

A twitch of a smile crosses Spock's mouth. "Picard's missing a great
deal."

Under my hand I can feel his pulse quicken. He's enjoying our
closeness, the human male in him is interested. So is the other
Beverly! I'm reminded how much she enjoyed sex, how she lived for it.
I know what she's up to, she's considering seducing  Spock. I reason
with her, remind her how frail he is, tell how  unsatisfactory the
experience will be.

It works. She soon loses interest and lets me take control again.
"Ambassador, I received a call from Starfleet this morning. I'm
needed back on the  Enterprise. I'm afraid I'll have to leave today."

He removes my hand from his heart and holds it in his. "I understand,
though I'll be sorry to see you go. You have given me  so much."

His voice sounds just like Jean-Luc's. He lifts my hand and gently
kisses my fingers. "Do you mind if I give you some advice Beverly? If
you want anything from Picard then you must take the initiative. You
know that don't you?"

My mouth is dry. "I know."

I lean forward and kiss him gently on the cheek. As I pull away I
change my mind and kiss him on the mouth. Our contact is slow and
sensuous.

As I finally turn to go Spock calls after me.

"You should indulge yourself more often Beverly ... if only for your
partner's sake."

---

It'll take 72 hours for this transport ship to reach Starbase 42.
There are other passengers on board but I'm not feeling sociable. I
ask the ship's doctor if I can help but there's nothing for me to do.
I spend hours in the gym passing the time and trying to tire myself
out. It helps but not enough, I can't quiet my mind. I lie down on my
bunk and decide to concentrate on what I've been attempting to
ignore.

It's the other Beverly who first comes to mind. I can remember
exactly what it was  like to be her, to want what she wants. If
Picard hadn't intervened where would I be now? Living  on Calvos with
Ronin, earning my living as a healer? Do I regret that I'm not?

Ronin was using me the same way he had used generations of my family,
but he also gave. He made my grandmother happy.  He made me happy.  If
only I hadn't had to choose, if only Jean-Luc hadn't come for me,  if
only Ronin hadn't hurt him.

I get up abruptly and shake myself. Forget this! What's the point in
stupid regrets?  You can't turn the clock back. You have to look to
the future. But what future? What do I want?  It's not so easy now, I
have this other Beverly to cope with. She exists in me and she's not
going away. I have to decide what to do; whether to control her with
the stoicism I've gained from Spock or to indulge her and find an
outlet for her needs.

---

Once aboard I report to Sickbay but barely have time to say hello
before Picard calls a meeting of the senior officers. He's already in
the Observation Lounge when I enter. This time it's he who gives me a
private smile. I beam and imitate his embarrassed cough. Troi looks
at the pair of us and we pretend nothing is going on. But then
nothing is, all we ever do is flirt within safe boundaries.

Picard calls the meeting to order and describes our next mission.
Starfleet is sending us to a distant and unexplored part of the
galaxy, it's a journey that could take months. You don't need a mind
meld to know the Captain's excitement. This is a passion he's not
afraid to show. His enthusiasm is infectious and soon we all feel the
same way. As the meeting ends I hang back hoping for a private word.
He has the same idea and we meet by the door.

"It's good to have you back doctor."

"It's good to be back." I hold his eye slightly longer than usual.
These are not just polite greetings, we mean it.

"How's Spock?"

"Recovering well."

"Did you find out why he particularly wanted you?"

"Yes, but it's a long story."

Over the Comm system Riker calls him to the Bridge.

"Damn." He touches my arm. "How about tonight in my cabin, 20:00? I
have something to show you."

I give him an affirmative smile. "Captain! I'm intrigued."

"Don't be late."  He orders.

---

I arrive promptly. He's out of uniform - so am I. He's rearranged the
furniture. Part of the couch seating has been turned to face the
window. Whatever he has to show me is in Space. He offers me  a glass
of white wine and leads me to my seat.

Like the perfect gentleman he waits for me to be seated but I want
control.

"You sit in the corner" I tell him. "I'll fit in next to you."  As
the last to sit down I can decide how close we will be. I trespass on
his private space and come to rest with my thigh touching his. "So
what have you got for me Jean-Luc?"

"This." He taps his comm badge. "Mr Data, are we nearing Karala?"

"In 20 seconds Sir."

The ship slows to impulse speed and soon the Karala Sun appears.  I've
never seen it before. It's famed for its beauty but the  descriptions
didn't do it justice. It's breath-taking. Throughout the  ship
hundreds of people must be watching. He turns to see if I'm  pleased.
I am.

"It's wonderful!"

How many Starfleet captains would slow down to give their crews this
sight? I'm proud of him.

The explosions from the surface are like a magnificent silent
firework display. A violent explosion makes me "Ooo" with excitement.

"Do you want sound effects?" He asks.

I'm entertained by his marvellous imitations of distant explosions.
The performance is just for me, nobody else will get to see this
playful side. After 15 short minutes the sun slips out of view. Warp
speed is immediately resumed.

I turn to face him and stroke his cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

He's embarrassed at the depth of my gratitude and changes the
subject. "So, your Vulcan adventure is over and your patient
recovering. Do I get to hear the story behind Spock's request?"

What do I tell him? If I lie he'll know. If I refuse to explain he'll
be hurt. How do I start?

I dive straight in. "He wanted to mind-meld."

"What!" Jean-Luc almost drops his drink.

"I know, it came as a surprise to me too. It's not a request you
expect from a complete stranger."

"But why you? ... I'm sorry that sounds demeaning. I didn't ..."

"I know you didn't ...  Look Jean-Luc, this is difficult for me to
explain. Promise me you'll reserve judgement until I've finished."
I've made him anxious but he agrees.

"You see Spock doesn't see me as a stranger, he's come to know me
through your thoughts. He was deeply affected by his meld with you.
The ripple effect of his father's mental state overwhelmed him and
your thoughts leaked into his."

I can see Jean-Luc's growing unease.

"Spock's finds your thoughts useful, he likes to argue with you."

I get a smile from Jean-Luc, he wants to believe this.

"But he's also been drawn into your emotional life - or your life as
it was 5 years ago."

He swallows. "I see."

"He wanted to know how I felt about you."

There is an awful silence between us.

"And did you tell him?"

I feel the need to excuse myself. I tell him how Spock won't be able
to meld anymore and how not knowing was driving his mad.

Jean-Luc's getting annoyed. "Did you meld with him?"

"Yes!"

I feel guilty, unfaithful, just as I feared. "I'm sorry, I should
have consulted you first."

He doesn't answer. Despite all I know of him I can't tell what he's
thinking now. I wait, not daring to speak or move.

At last he says something. "I didn't ask your permission when I
melded with Sarek and Spock."

His anger has subsided. I'm relieved and touch him.

He continues.  "I can understand why Spock is interested in our
relationship. Sarek's emotional life enthralled me. I couldn't resist
the temptation to tell his wife that he loved her."

"I know."

He looks puzzled so I tap my head. "That memory was passed on to me."

He laughs. "You must have quite a collection up there."

I dig him playfully in the ribs. "You might say I have learnt rather
a lot."

I'm forgiven. He pulls me to his shoulder and we sit peacefully
together with my hand on his chest.

I can feel his heart, it's beating regularly. The doctor in me
insists on estimating its rate. Should I raise the subject now? Is it
the right moment?

"Jean-Luc?"

"Yes."

"Spock passed something on to me that I hadn't known about you."

"Just one thing! Am I that transparent?"

I punch him again.

"Stop teasing, this is serious. I should have known about this, I'm
your doctor."

I've got his attention.

"You can't feel your heart."

"Of course not, it's artificial."

"That shouldn't matter. This is a sophisticated device. It's
connected to your nervous system. It's sending you sensations but  for
some reason your brain can't hear them."

I've made things worse for him. I can see it in his face. Not only
can he not feel but he 'ought' to be able to. I've got to help him. I
twist and move to a kneeling position. My hand is still on his chest.
"I want you to lean back and close your eyes. Whatever I do you just
listen for your heart."

"Beverly?"

"Sssh. Do as you're told."

He looks at me suspiciously. Not sure if he should be agreeing.

I look back but say nothing. He has to be willing.

He closes his eyes and consents.

I run my hand gently over his head a few times and then move to his
forehead and eyes. I can feel him relax and start to enjoy my touch.
As I work I realise my mistake. It isn't just the doctor in me that
wants him to feel, it's her as well. She's got her own motives and
I'm not sure I can control her.

My finger traces the edge of his ear and then move to his cheek. It's
as though I'm watching someone else's hand but I can feel what it
feels. Soon my mouth takes over where my fingers have led. The hand on
his chest can feel his heart beating faster.

I whisper to him "keep concentrating on your heart. It's talking to
you."

My lips move to his and gently grasp. I'm no longer a bystander,
whatever she's doing I'm doing it too. The tip of my tongue traces
the entrance to his mouth.

When I force my way in he gasps and grabs his chest.

What have I done!

He's wide-eyed and panting as if in pain.

"Speak to me Jean-Luc. What is it?"

"I've got this strange sensation. ... Not pain - just sensation. As
though something was alive and beating." He's beaming and shouting.
"I can feel it, I can feel it." He grabs my hand and holds it to his
chest again. "Can you feel that! It's thumping!"

I'm laughing with him.

"You are a 'wonderful' doctor." He gives me an excited kiss on the
cheek.

This isn't the response I wanted. My frustration shows.

"Beverly? What is it?"

"I'm pleased for you Jean-Luc, really I am."

"Then why are you disappointed?" He turns my head so I'm forced to
look at him.

"Is that all you thought I was doing? Playing doctor?"

He doesn't understand.

"Do you think I behave like that with all my patients?"

He gives an embarrassed cough.

"No. At least I hope not."

"Did you enjoy it?"

He squirms. "Beverly!"

I insist on an answer. "Did you enjoy it?"

"Yes ... I enjoyed it."

I almost ask him what else he wants but remember Spock's advice.

"So did I ... and I'd like more ... with you."

He's shaken by my forwardness. "This doesn't sound like you."

"It is me. It's the Beverly that exists inside my head. The one who's
never dared speak out before, never dared say what she wants. I'm
tired Jean-Luc. Tired of restraining my desires, tired of being
afraid of ruining our friendship, tired of using other lovers when
it's you I want. When you melded with Spock, you wanted the same
thing. Has that you died or is he still here?"

He takes his time, he knows how important the answer if. "He's still
here."

"Then why can't we both have what we want?"

I'm staring down at him, daring him to deny me, daring him to deny
the logic.

He shrugs and smiles. "No reason I can think of."

At last!

I lean forward slowly to claim his mouth ... but he stops me!

"One request first, Beverly."

"Anything!"

"Don't break my heart."

---

The End