The BLTS Archive - The Dance
by Delen2000 (delen2000@gmail.com)

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Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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Saavik looked at her figurative mother who was gushing at
the thought of dressing her up for an evening.

"I know just the thing! You cannot go in your Starfleet
uniform! That would not do on such an occasion. You are
being honored by the Vulcan Science Academy and by Starfleet
as well. You need to dress up formally for this ball. You
might need to dance!"

Saavik concluded, rather quickly, that it was better to
humor Amanda than to fight her. She usually lost these
matches, particularly when Sarek was called in to give his
opinion.

"Besides Spock will be there, and you wouldn't want to
disappoint him," Amanda said knowingly as she took off
toward her room, searching for the dress.

Saavik felt her cheeks heat and she turned so that Amanda
would not see the effect she'd had on her when she returned.
She did not know why Amanda insisted on bringing up what
Spock would think on certain subjects. Even more puzzling,
was her recent reaction to such suggestions. Why would what
Spock thought of her personal appearance matter to her so
much?

Amanda bounded into the room, holding the garment out toward
Saavik eagerly.

"My dear, you are going to turn heads in this!"

---

Spock stood in the grand ballroom of the Science Academy
talking with other fellow crewmembers. He had been with some
delegates earlier, discussing certain politics and trying to
pave roads for some possible ambassadorial duties to work its
way through at a later date. He often found such formal
occasions a good time to try to make inroads, and tried to
make use of them whenever he could.

He had then spotted McCoy and Mr. Scott and had headed
toward them to forego anymore mingling. Once he had reached
them, Kirk and Uhura had also joined the small group. He
merely listened to their comments on everyone else in the
room, and corrected or interjected whenever he felt it was
necessary to. Every so often someone was announced and would
come through the doors, getting the attention of everyone
in the room. His parents were announced and he went to greet
them as they came down the staircase.

"Mother. Father." Spock greeted them formally.

"Hello, Spock. Just wait until you see her!"

"Hello, Spock. I have to admit that you will be somewhat
taken by your charge's appearance," Sarek added, with the
same knowing look that Amanda had given Saavik earlier.

Spock had had many years at controlling his bio responses
and gave no outward sign of his inward reaction to his
father's words other than a raised eyebrow. He had noticed
in recent weeks his reaction to Saavik had changed. He felt
attracted to her and he relied on her more and more. He
wondered if Saavik had felt it as well.

"Saavik of Vulcan." The guard announced at the top and she
appeared.

Spock was sure that he stopped breathing for the entire time
it took her to walk down the stairs. He didn't count the
steps or know the precise amount of time it took her to
traverse the steps. He ceased to pay attention to anyone or
anything in the room save her.

She was dressed in a green velvet gown that had two separate
shades of green. One was a deep forest green and one was a
cooler shade. They adorned the dress with a band of color in
a sweeping fashion, picking up as one color left off. The
dark green set off her eyes and made them stand out on a face
cleared of her hair, because she had swept it up in a
soft, becoming fashion. The dress came to the floor and
sported a sweetheart neckline as well as a full skirt. The
back he noted, from what he could see, also sported a
sweetheart neckline, but much lower and much more daring.
The lighter shade of green set off her skin tone wonderfully
and made her glow.

She finally arrived at the bottom and immediately came over
to where they were standing. She held up her hand in
greeting to her teacher and mentor. Her hand shook slightly.
It was not cold and Saavik did not ever suffer from nerves.
It was so slight that a non-Vulcan possibly would never have
seen it, but Spock did and he knew what it meant. She was
just as affected by him, as he was her.

He breathed again and returned her greeting, and then
invited her over to see the Enterprise crew. She was eager
to go, since she had not seen them since her training
cruise. Uhura appraised the dress and made similar remarks
to what Amanda had said. McCoy and Jim, however, seemed to
be having a silent joke running between the two of them.
Spock seemed to know that he was the cause. He knew that his
two friends possibly would know his signals and reactions
even better than his father and mother. He realized that
they knew that Saavik had affected him as well.

It was new. It was too new. Spock didn't want all this
attention before he had even gotten her attention. He
waited.

The conversation lulled a little and Spock got up the words
to suggest going out on the balcony to discuss something she
had written in her latest letter to him. She saw nothing
unusual in this and nobody else would either, except Kirk,
McCoy, Amanda and Sarek it seemed.

Once he had led her out there, he could not find words to
say. He could not even recall the letter he had used as a
convenient excuse to get her alone.

"What do you wish to speak about? Was there something that
interested you in my letter?"

He had her all alone on the balcony. No one else had come
out and he had shut the doors behind them to dissuade others
from following. The humans would not follow because of the
temperatures of the desert planet, and the Vulcan's would
not intrude on a closed door.

His silence unnerved her and left her wondering and
confused. "I am sorry, Spock, if I have done something to
offend. . . is it the dress?" Her hand swept down to touch
the garment around her midsection.

"No, Saavikam. . ." he chuckled. "It is not the dress. You
have done nothing to offend." He looked out to the desert and
then summoned up his courage. "It is you. I find that you
are beautiful tonight." He spoke directly at her, looking
into her eyes, and noted the second a slight flush appeared
on her cheeks.

"Is it just tonight you find me this way?"

He wasn't sure if she had decided to play coy, or if she was
seeking clarification. He had his chance; he could blame the
attraction on the dress or he could pin it on her.

"No, Saavikam, it is not just tonight." He watched as the
flush became deeper, watched as her pupils dilated and her
breathing quickened and realized he had fallen for her.
These emotions did not occur in an attraction. He imagined
pulling her toward him and taking that hair down so that it
cascaded over her shoulders. He stopped his thoughts before
they went too far.

She took a deep breath. "It is not just tonight for me
either, Spock."

He looked into her eyes and drew her closer until his lips
touched hers.

---

Spock looked over his ancestral planet and took in
everything he could. Or at least appeared to be taking in
everything. The twin suns setting magnificently in a barrage
of umbers and oranges and yellows went unnoticed by his
contemplative stare. The way the sands swept over the dunes
and pelted his skin also went unnoticed. The dry heat was
comforting and therefore of unimportance. The only thing
taking up his thoughts were of Saavik.

He sat in his mother's garden and thought about Saavik, and
knew deep down that all of this thinking was illogical. What
was done was done. Nothing more could be done about it.

He remembered the waif they had picked up on Hellguard. She
had been smart as hell, that had been for certain and infinitely
logical. It was the very first time he had ever encountered
anything that was so savage and base, but as the same time
logical and smart and loyal. From the start, she had
defended him. Even today, she still did. It was only a
few short years ago, on Genesis, that she had risked
everything, including David Marcus to save him, her teacher,
her mentor, and because of the events on Genesis, her mate.

It had taken a while to realize that they had mated and
bonded. He had had many months of retraining. Many
nightmares and strange dreams, and it had taken a long time
after telling his mother that he was doing, "Fine" for him to
truly be, "Fine."

Saavik had written to him all during his convalescence, as
one would call it, even as he still served aboard the
Enterprise and with his crew while he sorted things out. It
helped him to be in a routine. Helped him to be amongst
people who knew him even if he did not remember them. It
comforted him. Her letters though, they touched a nerve. He
felt incredible anticipation when the computer informed him
of a letter from her. He read them almost immediately and
answered them promptly, eager for another letter from her.
His dreams had starred her often, and not just on Genesis.
They often took place in his quarters or in his bedroom back
at his parent's home on Vulcan, where he now sat. They were
always sexual and always intimate, and always what he was
looking for.

He continued the letters and she continued them back. One
night he finally dreamed of Genesis. He saw everything that
had happened, from what he was able to understand at his
earliest point of development. He had woken in a sweat with
a terrible realization dawning over him. He got up and
proceeded to the computer screen to look up Saavik's report
from Genesis. He had never read it before, preferring to let
his mind come up with it, rather than filling it with false
memories. He read slowly the entire report of the whole
experience. Her cold, precise words filled the screen,
speaking of every detail. She had left nothing out of the
report, nothing. Every horrible thing she'd had to do to
keep him alive was recorded. No doubt, she'd felt the need
to divulge all of the information because of him. He needed
his soul anchored back to his body, a relatively unheard of
procedure, and she was going to make sure that all of the
facts were in evidence so that nothing would stand in the
way of the procedure, not even herself.

He felt chilled, and cleared the screen of her detailed and
precise report. He longed for the warmth of her letters, to
see her face, to soak in her expression. He decided the
simplest way to accomplish this was to send her a letter. He
got up and changed into his outer robes, leaving his
sleeping garment on underneath. It helped warm him, and he
felt he could sleep again once he had done this.

He had just answered a letter from her a few days ago, so he
had to make sure he did not repeat what he had already said.
He began with the customary greeting and went on from there,
filling in certain going-ons on the Enterprise. He ended it
with, "Saavikam, I know that my parents and you have been
worried about me. I have things to tell you that I feel I
should not tell you over a letter, but which cannot wait till
I can see you on Vulcan again. We are several light-years away
and our current mission is long. I cannot anticipate when I will
be able to see you to tell you this, so I fear that I must
tell you now. Forgive me, for this Saavikam, but I must find
out the answers, and you are the only one who knows those
answers.

"I had a dream earlier tonight." He took a pause searching
for words. "I dreamed of Genesis. When I woke up I wished
to know if what I had dreamed was the real thing, so I
looked up your report. I was not satisfied with the answers
I arrived at by reading the report, so I now wish to know
what happened on Genesis, from you." He ended it with the
usual farewell and sent the transmission, coded through
space.

He found that he was wrong about being able to sleep.

His answer came seven weeks later. He received seven
messages for her. Apparently, her messages had not been able
to be sent until that week. The last two months had been a
sheer hell for him. He had almost convinced himself that all
he was feeling was made-up and that none of it was true. He
was on the bridge when he received the notice that he had
not one but seven letters from Lieutenant Commander Saavik.
He had asked Jim if he could leave the Bridge to view the
letters, and had been excused. He ignored everyone's knowing
stares all over the Bridge and had gotten on the turbo lift
and headed to his quarters. Jim had told him to take his
time and he intended to do so. He had checked for her letter
every few hours the first couple of days, but then he had
told the computer to alert him the minute it finally
arrived. Every message from the computer had put him on edge
until the message he had gotten today.

He went into his quarters and sat down at the large screen
in the wall, and prepared him for the large amount of
letters at his disposal. The first one was a cordial
greeting from her, obviously written before his letter. She
spoke of her decision to go back to Starfleet now that her
extended leave was over. She gently reprimanded her teacher
and told him of her concern that he had not taken a
similarly long leave after his ordeal. He allowed himself a
Vulcan smile at that; her concern for him was touching. She
then warned that she would write every week even though she
wouldn't be sure when she would be able to send the letters
or when they would catch up to her or when they would catch
up to him. She was to join the U.S.S Essex as its Science
officer. She then signed out after a cordial good-bye.

The next one was also before she received his letter. It
detailed all of her duties and asked questions of Spock
about how to handle certain situations. Some of her
crewmates were not at all friendly, it seemed. She did not
seem as excited as her letter previously, and it stung him
that anybody would hurt her again, after everything she had
already endured in her lifetime. He made a mental note of
what to say to her regarding this, and listened to the end
of the letter and moving quickly to the next.

He knew immediately, that she had read the letter by the
first thing she did on the third. Her eyes looked haunted
and sad, and she held herself stiffly. "Forgive me, my
teacher, for what I had to do on Genesis. I was left with no
other choice I could live with."

The words haunted him and tore at his soul. Her eyes never
left the screen, and he could see that she'd darkened every
light and lit candles. The shadows cast an eerie glow upon
her too pale skin. She told him every detail and did not
hold anything back. Going so far as to say how she had
touched him and where. He sat in shock at the telling of the
tale. Her voice was thick and heavy burdened. What she
most feared came spilling out of her at the ending of the
letter. "My most feared thing that could happen between you
and I is that you would not be able to forgive me, Spock.
This I could not live with anymore than I could have lived
with you dying when I could have done something to delay
it from happening." She did not end the letter with any
sort of good-bye just as she had not begun it with any sort
of greeting. She simply ended it there, with an abrupt black
screen. He wondered if she was just too drained to go any
farther. He found himself drained after the letter as well
and decided to take a short break.

He noted the time, realizing that his shift had ended while
he had been watching the letters. He decided to talk to Jim,
to sort some of this out. He found him in his quarters. Jim
sat at his desk reading a book, and Spock sat down across
from him, waiting for him to finish his chapter.

"Did you enjoy your letters?" Jim asked with a smile,
closing his book and removing his glasses.

"I have not watched all of them. The three I have read were
lengthy in nature and took a considerable amount of time to
read. I felt the need to rest before viewing the others,"
Spock explained to his friend.

Kirk slowly put his glasses back into his case. "You didn't
enjoy them, though?" Jim asked with some concern.

Spock sighed, better to get it over with. "In my last
letter, I had detailed a dream of mine about Genesis and I
had to ask her if it were true."

Kirk's head shot up at this and he looked carefully into his
friend's face, searching for clues.

"I had read the report shortly after having the dream, so I
knew it was true, but I needed to hear it from her," Spock
clarified to him.

"Everything in that report was true," Kirk said softly.

"I still needed to know certain things. Things that you
would not be able to tell me. Things that happened before
you arrived at Genesis."

"Like how she felt?"

Spock felt as though his insides had been bathed in ice
water. He looked up quickly into his friend's face and then
looked back down to his folded hands.

"I am not sure."

"Not sure or you don't want to tell me?" Kirk asked softly.

"I do not think I received the answer I wished to hear in
the letter." The words were hard to get out and they weighed
heavy on his tongue.

"Well, you've only gotten to three of the seven. Perhaps the
answer you are looking for lies in an unwatched letter on
your computer."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "Perhaps," he acknowledged.

"Well, then, you'd better get back to your letters. The
sooner you arrive at the end the sooner you'll have your
answer."

"Thank you, Jim." Spock rose and left the cabin in a little
bit of a haze. The truth was he didn't know what question he
wanted to ask her, and until he did, how could she answer?

The rest of the letters were just as her letters had always
been, and he found himself wanting to drop the whole issue.
He didn't feel the need to upset her further or himself.

Last night during the dance he had found his question, and
she had answered it.

Now what to do about it?

---

She stood in her bedroom doorway looking out over the
familiar surroundings of her adopted home. Her focus was on
one thing, Spock's profile as he looked out over the setting
suns in his mother's garden. She could see him easily
through the large picture window that graced the living
quarters slightly to her right and in front of her several
feet. Seventeen feet to be exact.

Saavik had known him many years, fifteen point three
standard years, and she knew this look. He was deep in
thought. She watched the familiar face, the age lines
curving around his eyes and cheeks, the nose flaring as he
picked up strong scents in the garden, the eyes turned away
from her, deep in contemplation. She greatly loved that look
and wanted to stand and bask in it as long as he held it. He
was no doubt thinking about their relationship, as she had
done the past thirteen hours.

She closed her eyes and she was back on that landing waiting
for her name to be called.

Saavik of Vulcan. Words she had strived for all of her life,
and now she would finally have them, they were hers. She had
earned the right to call herself a Vulcan. Pride filled her
and a slight flush topped her cheekbones. She soon got her
emotions under control and stepped to the top of the
staircase as her name was called. She floated down the
staircase hardly noticing the twenty steps or the hundreds
of people in the room. With dignity and grace, she carried
herself down the marble stairs and found herself looking
down into the very surprised eyes of Spock. She
congratulated herself on not missing a step or finding
herself completely incapacitated by his intense stare. She
suddenly understood what Amanda had meant by how Spock would
like her outfit as she found herself locking stares with his
admiring gaze.

She may have gotten her outside appearance under control,
but she was unnerved by his attention and shook slightly as
she raised her hand to greet him. A flick of his eyebrow
told her that he had noticed her slight loss of control and
she gracefully schooled herself to be more professional. She
allowed herself to be led of to the Enterprise crew. Later
she allowed herself to be led off to the balcony.

She can remember with great clarity the terrible unease she
felt as she stood there with Spock. Spock was the one person
she could forever count on, whom she had always counted on.
She felt that whatever was said here could permanently alter
everything.

She waited for him to speak, wanted to be patient. She
wanted to show him that she had grown, that she could wait
for him to come out with it rather than on insisting for her
information. Spock would never deny her an answer, just as
she had never denied him.

Her mind turned back several years to that horrible letter
asking about Genesis. She'd been unable to breathe once
she'd received it, unable to think. She'd been glad she'd
been alone because she was utterly unable to control her
emotions; her control had left her completely. She directed
the computer to turn off all the lights and let the misery
take her over for a moment. She sank to her knees in the
middle of the room with Spock's image frozen in the viewer
in front of her. What he'd asked for was not out of the
question, but it was one of the hardest things she would
ever have to recall in her lifetime, and that was saying
something.

With some determination, she lit the candles surrounding
her which she had placed for meditation, and attempted to
regain her control before answering his letter. He deserved
for her to be calm, adult, Vulcan, when she related her
experience to him. In her mind she could see him overtaken
with pon farr, his body and mind on fire. She could see that
he didn't understand. She knew that she understood that she
couldn't live with herself if he died again, especially if
she could do something about it. So she offered herself. He
had no soul, no training, he didn't know what was going on.
She had to show him how to control the urges enough for her
to help. But to tell Spock exactly what had occurred, even
though he had already guessed, shamed her. He had not given
his consent, had been unable to. It could be seen that she
had taken advantage of him or that she had let him take
advantage of her. He had been young and inexperienced, but
the instinct had taken over and she had been brutally taken,
as was the horror of pon farr. The violence and pain, the
bruising and tearing of flesh. The violence turned her mind
to another world tearing itself apart at that moment. While
Genesis roared beneath her, another world had literally
crumbled down around her almost taking her with it. Truth
was she almost thrived on the violence of the event. She'd
been born into a vicious world and it was all she had known
until Spock. Coincidentally, it was the same sort of brutality
that would save him, the kind she was familiar with.

She could handle it, had in fact, but would Spock if she
told him everything? Logically, there was only one way to
find out, as she keyed in the code to reply to his letter.

Last night though, when he had stood looking so lost as to
what to say, she could not help but to throw a lifeline in
the form of a question his way. "What do you wish to speak
about? Was there something that interested you in my
letter?"

She had thought it a safe question, but he continued to
hedge, to search for something to say. His silence unnerved
her and left her wondering and confused. "I am sorry, Spock
if I have done something to offend. . . is it the dress?" Her
hand swept down to touch the garment around her midsection.
She felt the strange feeling of insecurity wash over her;
she found she did not like the feeling. She was startled by
his soft laughter.

"No, Saavikam. . . " he chuckled. "It is not the dress. You have
done nothing to offend." He looked out to the desert and
then summoned up his courage. "It is you. I find that you
are beautiful tonight." He spoke directly at her, looking
into her eyes, and noted the second a slight flush appeared
on her cheeks.

"Is it just tonight you find me this way?" She couldn't
believe he was telling her this; it had to be the dress.

"No, Saavikam, it is not just tonight." She was sure she
stopped breathing. Her feelings for him magnified and
exploded within her. She drew on her courage. She took a
deep breath.

"It is not just tonight for me either, Spock."

She looked into his eyes and watched as he drew closer until
his lips touched hers.

Later, when they had gone back inside, the dancing portion
of the evening had begun. Amanda coyly pointed out she had
given both of them waltzing lessons and that they should
show her how much they remembered. Saavik had balked at
first; her foremost thought being that if Spock was that
close she would never be able to keep everyone in the room
from realizing what was going on between them. Spock seemed
to understand her line of thought.

"It will be alright, Saavikam. I would be honored to led you
in a dance." And with that he led her out on the dance
floor.

"Spock –" She tried to protest, his hand was low on the side
of her waist, carefully avoiding all contacts with her
flesh, knowing the reaction it could bring. She smirked a
little inside, with how daring the dress was, it was an
impressive feat to find enough material to place his whole
hand. She felt the warmth of his palm and fingers just above
her hip and relaxed a bit. "We cannot do this. They will
see. I do not have the control for this." She said only low
enough for him to hear. He nodded his understanding just as
unnoticeably as she had talked to him, signaling that he
understood. They settled into a stance appropriate for a
teacher and a student, a superior officer and a junior
officer, an unmarried man and an unmarried woman.

He began the conversation, keeping it light and not on the
subject of their new feelings. He recalled an incident
involving Tribbles and a Klingon fleet. She was able to
relax and be pulled into the conversation, allowed to ask
her questions of him. Before she knew it the dance was over
and she was being led over to the group they had left
previously.

"So you two do remember?" Amanda had probed with a knowing
smile. That smile was starting to really irritate Saavik.

"Of course, Mother," Spock had assured his mother.

Now she looked out at him, unaware that he had noticed he'd
been noticed. She'd left her thoughts drift too long, and
now he was staring back at her through the window. Taken off
guard, she took a small step back and then regained her
composure. She waved a hand in greeting, but stayed where
she was. He lifted himself off of the bench and walked
slowly to the door. She could no longer see him till the
door opened revealing his tall, proud outline in the
doorframe. Her eyes drank him in as came closer to her.

He stopped a few meters from her and looked into her eyes.
She knew she was telling too much with her eyes, knew he was
seeing too much, but she knew that to hide it from him would
not be fair.

"I've been thinking, Saavikam, of our situation," he began,
still looking at her. He wished that she were his to touch.
It would make this easier to have the bond. She would just
know what he was thinking. He took a deep breath, trying to
settle his feelings. Control was harder in her presence. He
had, after all, touched her more intimately before last
night before. His conscious mind did not recall it, but his
unconscious mind and his body obviously did. "I would like
to pursue things with you, if I may?" he asked quietly.

She took a deep breath, and balled her fists to hide their
shaking. "I would like that, Spock."

Very slowly, he raised a hand towards her cheekbone and
hovered just above the skin. "May I?" he asked and was
rewarded with a small nod of assent from her. Her eyes were
wide and focused on his. He let the fingers continue their
journey and the pads touched the soft cheek and trailed
along the cheek, unconsciously mimicking her actions years
ago. The psi points fizzled and a spark shot up from Saavik
into Spock's fingertips. His fingers stilled for a minute at
the sensation of having all of her energy under his hand.
They had bonded before Genesis, they had bonded on Genesis,
but now that feelings were behind the intent, it was much
stronger than either of them could have realized.

Saavik's fingers reached out for his cheek and connected in
the same manner. At some point they honed their fingers to
the exact psi points to make a meld. Saavik's fingers hummed
with the energy.

Everything rushed out at them and Spock pulled out of the
meld prematurely. He sat in shock looking at her.

"What is wrong?" She asked.

He moved away from her and went into his room without a word.

---

Saavik stood outside the door to Spock's room debating whether
to go in or not. It was understood that no door was closed to
her and no question left unanswered, but she felt that they had
crossed a line where this may no longer be so. It saddened
her that she couldn't just walk through the barrier between
them. That it might push him away from her.

She decided that if no door had been closed to her before
then it shouldn't change today. That would be illogical.
Carefully, she opened the door and walked inside. He was
sitting on his bed facing the window, his back to her. She
slowly walked to him and sat beside him on the bed. Partner
in all things, her mind told her and she made herself
believe it.

"What is the matter?" she heard herself ask him, although
later she would not be able to say why she had asked. It
felt as though she were intruding on his privacy, which she
realized, suddenly, she was. She waited in the silence
of the unanswered question and finally began to rise to go,
to leave him with his thoughts. Never, in all of the years
she had known him, had he not answered a question he had.

His arm came out and grabbed her arm, above the cuff of her
sleeve. Even in his state he would not allow himself to
become so debased to touch her skin directly, to cause her
embarrassment or discomfort. She wondered for a moment if he
would not allow the touch because he could not block his
emotions and thoughts from her.

He waited a long time for her to decide to stay by his
unasked command and she settled, stiffly, next to him and
waited in silence. His hand still gripped her tunic and she
waited for him to let it go, but he didn't. In fact, he
simply turned his body to face hers more and continued to
hold onto the fabric, to feel her warmth through it. He
still didn't look at her and they watched out the window as
the suns set and the coolness of the evening started to seep
over the overheated sands. Saavik knew that soon the air in
the house would change from a cooling period to a warming
period. She always knew right before it happened because the
temperature in the house had to drop low enough for the heat
to kick in. Always in those moments her skin chilled to the
point of raising goosebumps and a shiver always went down
her spine.

It was her inevitable shiver that forced him out of his
thoughts and her looked at her, taking stock of the
situation and let her arm go. Her arm was now the coldest
part of her. Without a word, he manipulated his body and
pulled her into his arms so that they were now leaning
against the headboard, with Saavik resting between his legs
and leaning against his chest, his front to her back. Still,
he had managed to not touch any of her skin in the process.

"A very strange occurrence happened when we attempted to
meld," he started to speak, breath flowing over her left
ear. Her breath hitched; she was very aware of him right
now. "As you may have noticed, we didn't manage to meld."
She nodded, she was aware that although a few images had
flashed at her, a true meld had not happened. This was not
alarming, a meld is a very difficult thing to accomplish,
needing at least one skilled mind to guide the other through
the maze of information a mind could produce. Some Vulcans,
were known to be proficient in achieving a meld, but unable
to sift through a person's thoughts satisfactorily enough to
make the meld useful. It was unusual that a Student of Gol
and a well trained student were unable to meld, especially
taking in account their history of established melds and
even shortcuts they were able to take from melding together
so often. It was not so unusual, however, that Spock
would be rendered incapacitated by the failure. It was an
expected failure, calculated into the risk of attempting a
meld, along with everything else that could happen with a
meld. Headaches, loss of memory, disorientation. . .  Hell
even in very rare cases a person would be unable to break
free of the meld, and have to spend a while trapped in their
own mind, until a healer could attempt to bring them out of it.
All of this is factored in, leaving Saavik to wonder even
more what was going on.

"I don't know what you saw in the few seconds that our minds
touched. What happened to me is that I believe my memories
returned to me. It took me awhile to sort through them, and
many of that time period were disturbing. Many were, in
fact." He paused and she felt his arms tighten around her,
and then, too deliberate to be accidental, the skin of his
hand brushed under the skin of hers, and stayed there. She
was flooded with reassurance so strong she was glad she was
sitting. He continued, "I saw us meet. I saw you grow up, go
through Starfleet. I saw you on Genesis. I saw what you did
for me."

She now understood. It was one thing to be aware of Genesis,
and what transpired, it was a whole other thing to actually
be in possession of the memories. For him to know every
moment of rage and pain he was in. Pon Far is brutal and
savage, it tears at the mind and at the flesh and robs one
of their ability of control. The toned down responses of the
gentle touches in the hand gestures and the melding
exercises are merely one's last conscious effort to control
those urges. The only relief they bring are merely the 
last chance that one feels in control. Control was
everything to a Vulcan, Saavik knew. She took a moment to
think about what this meant to Spock. As far as she could
remember, he had only gone through Pon Far once in his life,
before Genesis, and in that instance, had not gone through
the mating part of it. The losing of one's control, killing
Jim, that he had experienced, the inability to stop himself,
but even that was not as heart wrenching or intimate as
what they had experienced on Genesis. Spock would now
remember every blow, every scratch, every minute of how he
had fulfilled his own needs with no regard for hers. He
would remember and he would hate himself for it. Saavik had
not experienced Pon Far before this and had nothing to
compare it to, but she was certain, from what Spock had
taught her, that his was typical, if not a little on the wild
side, because of his age.

She wondered at that. Spock went through Pon Far when he was
married to T'Pring. Before that he had spent most of his
time at Starfleet or in space on a mission, and he had not
succumbed to the cycle. When he went back to Vulcan, he
began the process of purging his emotions and, in that
state, he would not have succumbed either. But on Genesis,
when he was growing at such a rapid rate, he went through
the process many times, every seven years, till he hit his
rightful age. Saavik wondered if this was because she had
been on the planet. Maybe Spock had connected to her much
earlier than she realized. Of course, he had felt almost
nothing for T'Pring, except loyalty, and she was able
to pull him into Pon Far, so who is to say what exactly
threw him into the cycle? She felt him shift under her and
she pulled herself out of her thoughts.

"Are you alright?" Saavik asked him. She bit her lip. That
was not an appropriate question to ask of a Vulcan of
Spock's accomplishments, whether they were alone or not.
Thankfully, Spock did not correct her assumption of him not
being able to control his emotions enough to not be
'alright'.

"I have been better," he admitted softly. "I find myself
unable to come to terms with the fact that for several
hours that was me."

"It was not you. It was Ponn Far," Saavik logically pointed
out.

"It was me." The words were almost too soft to hear.

"No, it wasn't," Saavik stubbornly denied.

Spock tired of the argument and grabbed her, turning her so
she faced him. "Saavik, it might have happened because I was
in the throes of Pon Far, but it was still me that went
through it. It was me that choose you. Me that took you.
And as this went on several times throughout the time I
regenerated, you can not claim that I was too young to
understand after the first time. I didn't have my memories
or personality, but it was still me. I did this."

"I choose it too," Saavik spat out at him. "And I had all of
my memories and all of my personality. I choose it too!"

Spock looked at her long and hard. His hand came up and
brushed her psi points on her face and pushed her hair back.
He repeated the motion. It soothed her, having him so close,
having him touch her. It grounded her.

"You chose too much, Saavikam."

"It was what a wife would have done for her husband."

"You were not my wife. Usually, a wife would not have to
endure an entire life's worth of Pon Fars in the space of a
few hours, Saavikam," he added with some humor.

"For you, I would endure much more," Saavik declared.

A moment went by, and Spock graced her with a Vulcan smile,
one especially for her.

"As would I."

---

The End