The BLTS Archive- Impressions
by Deede (jaylee_g@yahoo.com; deedej@pacbell.net)

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Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, not I.

Distribution: Imzadi Everlasting, and BLTS are welcome to it, if they
really want it. Anyone else just ask. :-)

Special Thanks: To April, the greatest support system. To QD, for the
countless inspiration, and to Copper, the best cheerleader a girl
could have.

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The first time I met Deanna Troi I was captivated.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was about the beautiful,
dark-eyed, recently graduated psychologist that solely grasped my
attention from the countless other Starfleet entrees I had spoken with
that day; yet there was something unique about her. Something
determined, something wise, something infinitely astute - although she
couldn't have been more than twenty four/twenty five at the time:
fresh faced and eager, yet hardly naïve. For some unfathomable reason
I could gauge that much from her instantaneously.

She was young, but she was experienced. Not exactly jaded, but
knowledgeable - an apparent survivor who had seemingly garnished the
title after living through something in which she had had no choice
but to move on from. It was evident in her eyes. Evident in the way
they spoke of so much, yet screamed of so little. A woman-child daring
to ask the universe why, yet not entirely dependent on the answer, as
if she had resigned herself to her fate. She didn't blatantly display
her strength of spirit with bravado or immediate promises of
unswerving devotion to Starfleet the way her processors had just hours
before her. But she did meet my gaze directly, unflinchingly, and
presented her desire to serve as a counselor aboard a federation
starship.

The interviews for incoming science officers were a standard
procedure. Decorum dictated that Deanna and I were to meet shortly
following her enrollment and that I was to ask her the same tired
questions that I had asked those before her... "Why are you interested
in joining Starfleet, Miss Troi?"

The answers I had usually received to that particular question were as
standard as the question itself. Yet, years later, it was her answer I
would always remember, even after thousands of young faces had started
to blend one into another throughout the corners of my memory.

"Because I have so much yet to learn," she answered solemnly,
seriously. "More than I would be capable of being taught and
experiencing on my home planet. The universe is so large, I want to
understand it better."

I admit I was taken off guard, not just at the uniqueness of her
answer but at the fervency for which she spoke. I truly believed her
when she said that she wanted to understand the universe, no matter
how lofty that goal may have seemed to me. I also knew that whatever
experience had put that ancient wisdom behind her eyes had served to
fuel the billowing fire of determination that had driven her to pursue
Starfleet as a career.

It dawned on me after she spoke, that she, like so many of us with our
gazes planted firmly towards the sky, had had a taste of the unknown.
That something or someone had planted the seeds of exploration within
her; had given her a brief glimpse of the universe at large, yet had
left her unfulfilled and longing for more. I also knew that that
experience had broken her heart.

There was a sadness to her that I hadn't quite caught immediately, but
it was there nonetheless. Left alone and wandering, she had chosen to
forge her own path, as only a survivor could. But no matter the
respect I had come to have for her in such a short time, I had a job
to do.

"And how do you feel Starfleet can help you attain this goal of
yours?" I inquired, forging ahead.

She smiled then; a small grin really. Just a slight turning of the
corner of her lips that spoke of her wry regard for so obvious a
question, as if it amused her greatly. "Through exploration. I want to
learn from experience. To feel as well as think my way through
entirely new and different situations."

I sensed immediately that there was more to the later part of her
answer than she was letting on, and I wanted desperately to call her
on it, to explore that aspect of her personality. But that wasn't what
I was there for, nor was it relevant towards the career I had a
precognition would be great.

She had undeniable potential, regardless of what had brought her to
that point. To gain knowledge from life's experiences was a precious
commodity for any soul. To willingly seek out and embrace the journey
that granted such wisdom: through heartbreak and happiness, peaks and
valleys - was even more dear.

"Well then, Miss Troi, I hope that the universe provides the answers
you seek," I had told her then, offering her my hand in genuine well
regard, my words conveying the double meaning I had meant to get
across. 'Pursue your future. Hold on to your dreams. Continue to learn
and grow and become whole with the wisdom you gain.'

Her dark eyes had regarded me thoughtfully, and I knew then that she
had understood me well.

"I do too," she responded, flashing that small, knowing smile once
more - her countenance serene, yet determined.

My grandmother used to claim that strength lie in overcoming the
impossible, learning from the past, while keeping a steady eye on the
future. After an exchange of no more than five minutes, I wondered if
I had witnessed that in the form of a petite half-human, half-Betazed
empath who had graduated with honors in her chosen profession and who
actively sought the unknown. Yet in her infinite wisdom my grandmother
had left something important out of her teachings... sometimes the
hardships we overcome convince us we're so strong, we forget to be
weak when the occasion calls for it.

It would be six years before I saw Deanna Troi again, during her early
reign of service under the infamous Captain Jean Luc Picard of the
equally infamous starship Enterprise.

The Enterprise was orbiting a planet for which I was attending a
conference and out of profound curiosity I contacted Deanna Troi and
asked her to meet me for lunch.

If she was surprised to hear from me: the man who had interviewed her
for Starfleet yet had had no contact since, she didn't show it. In
fact, her facial expression was a portrait of the natural congenial
greeting indigenous to her demeanor, and her body language spoke of
confidence and success. The years, as I knew they would, had treated
her well. Yet her eyes, ever large and unfathomably dark, still told a
story of love and loss, triumph and pain as they lit with the fire of
a search that was never ending and a destination, off in the distance,
that had not yet been reached.

"Have you come to understand the universe, Counselor Troi?" I asked
her after the initial small talk had commenced, and the air
surrounding us had become more comfortable and inquisitive.

She flashed me that same grin I remembered from before: wry and
knowing, amused in an ironic way that indicated that she knew the
punch line to a joke that was being told while the rest of the
universe resided in the dark.

"No, I'm still learning," she said softly, her voice hinting at a
gentle laughter.

I could do no more than grin at that. Satisfied, in the very least,
that she was on her way... to what, exactly, I couldn't say.

It was then her head shot up, her expression portraying a look of
anticipation just seconds before we both heard her name being called
by a tall, bearded man who had been making his way through the crowd
to our table.

The man came to a stop just inches away from where Deanna sat, close
enough to betray a sense of familiarity between them. She smiled up at
him, and he smiled back at her - their eyes, both sets suddenly
dancing and alive, met and held, and I knew then, without a doubt in
my mind, that the regard these two beings had for one another was
grand.

"Admiral, I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine, Commander Will
Riker, first officer of the Enterprise," Deanna announced formally,
her eyes leaving her 'friend', however begrudgingly, in order to
introduce the two of us.

Like practically every Admiral of my trade, I had known who Commander
Riker was, if only by word of mouth, prior to that meeting. Young,
ambitious, steadfast and promising - very well on his way to being
Captain, if he'd only stop turning us down whenever we offered him his
own command.

I think it was that exact moment, with me sitting there watching these
two people interact with one another, deep feeling radiating off of
them in droves, that two things became utterly clear to me. I knew
then why Riker continuously turned down offers that would remove him
from the Enterprise, and it had nothing to do with his career. I also
knew that it had been Will Riker who had given that brilliant,
idealistic young woman who had sat in my office years before and spoke
of exploration, her first taste of the universe. And that he, driven
in his career like a moth driven to a flame, had left her to explore
what he had introduced... alone. All of which led to the realization,
years later, when age had brought growth, understanding, and wisdom;
that he didn't want to live without her.

Another look at the Counselor, catching her as the initial, uncensored
joy of the Commander's abrupt entrance wore off and she schooled her
eyes to become platonically affectionate - much to the answering
brief, flickering dismay of his gaze - brought one more truth to
mind... In all the strengths she had learned: forging ahead, moving on
from the past, Deanna Troi had forgotten how to be weak. It saddened
me to realize that the quest she sought, however grand and noble,
would never be realized until she learned to love anew.

How mysterious the universe, how ironic... That these two beings could
find something so rare and wonderful in youth, yet lack the experience
to appreciate it then. Only to be scarred when fate placed them
together once more, too weary to trust yet ever searching for the
fulfillment they had first known with one another.

Their story, untold, yet so clearly evident, moved me. It struck a
cord with the romantic part of my soul - the part that resides in us
all and allows us to cry at the birth of a child, and laugh amongst
the presence of friends; to share in joy with others and search for a
love unbidden and unrestrained.

Their journey was older than time itself, and indigenous to every
species, every culture. Love, understanding, companionship - the
essential drive within ourselves to find that soul who compliments our
own existence, who brings out the best qualities of all that we are,
and with who we can dance uninhibited.

How unfortunate it was that circumstances so often deluded our
thinking, holding us back from experiencing all the joy and pain of
life without the newness of discovery, and the continuing potential of
wisdom itself.

Years later I was to smile continuously on the day I received a
wedding invitation amongst my incoming messages. My heart filled with
the fate of two people I hardly knew, yet two people I would never
forget.

I was there, lost in a crowd of many, on the day they wed. Basking in
the love that was felt by all who watched two souls join so willingly,
so happily. He looked at her, and she looked at him, and this time
their gazes were uncensored, and uncontained. Every so often they
would touch one another in that way that lovers do: a light caress of
the hands, a brush of the hair, a warm caress of the eyes; each stroke
reaffirming a connection that had always been, and would always be.

They had each learned to love again, the way only true survivors can.

When the ceremony was over I approached the blushing bride, still
exotically beautiful; still infinitely wise. A woman who had
discovered that sometimes the answers to life's timeless questions lie
within the search itself.

"Have you come to understand the universe, Deanna?" I asked, meeting
those dark, knowing eyes for the third and final time.

"I believe I have," she said with a smile that was neither wry nor
ironic, yet filled with the joy of exploration and the moral of
lessons well received.

"I knew you would."

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The End