The BLTS Archive - Lift The Veil 1 by Dark Dancer (Dawnsalome@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. If I did C/P would be canon and they'd probably never leave their quarters. ;) --- "You're worthless, you're nothing, you're a screw up, you taint everything you touch." Tom put his hands to his ears to block out the hateful words but couldn't because they were in his head. Rocking back and forth and trying to hold in the sobs he stared at the wall waiting, praying for the alarm to beep and signal a new day. During the day he could shut up the voice. He could throw himself into work and play. But during the night. In the still hours, he couldn't hide from the truth. "You're an embarrassment; you're scum. You don't deserve to be happy. You deserve to be miserable. You never do anything right. You're a murderer and a whore." His father's words echoed in his head and he began to repeat them. Tears of shame ran down his face. His father was so wonderful; what had he done to deserve a fuck up like him as a son. Tom loved his father and wished with all his heart he could be good enough to make his father proud of him and love him back. But he didn't deserve love. He rocked back and forth, repeating all his faults aloud in a hoarse voice. Hoarse from tears, pain and hours of nonstop talking. He lay beneath the covers of his bed. Wishing for the day, and praying to fall asleep. But he knew he wouldn't. --- Tom looked down at the food on his tray and felt his stomach lurch. He was in no way hungry nonetheless he gave Neelix a weak smile as he accepted his lunch. He knew Neelix would notice if he skipped lunch as well as breakfast and didn't want to reveal the condition of his rations. He'd have to replicate something soon, anything to hide the fact that he hadn't been using them. Then he had a thought. Maybe he could trade them for extra water rations. Correction. He could get Harry to trade them for him. No one would trade with the Traitor. He found a space on a table out of Neelix's sight and sat down, beginning to play with his food, shoving it around his plate. As soon as he sat down everyone moved to another table. Nothing like Tom Paris avoidance to make people bond. Tom thought wryly as he watched his crewmates crowd together to leave all the seats near him empty. Perversely he decided to take a long time, just to inconvenience them all. "You do it on purpose, don't you? You like to be a burden. You get into trouble just to annoy me." Tom clenched his jaw. He didn't. Really, he never meant to get into trouble. Trouble just seemed to follow him. Moving quickly, he dumped his tray in the garbage and raced out of the mess hall doors, ignoring Neelix's queries on how he liked the food; he must have since he'd eaten it so quickly. "Huh, must be late for something," Neelix mused to himself. Tom rested his hands on his sink, unable to control his shaking. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. He should have more control than this. He couldn't fall apart in public like that. He should know better. "Computer what's the time?" "It is 0600 hours." Damn, an hour until his shift. He had to find something to do until then. Then the perfect idea came to him. If the gym was empty he could use that, blow off some steam. "Computer is there anyone in the gym?" "Affirmative." Maybe he'd get lucky, maybe it'd be Harry or something, "Who?" "Lieutenant Besta, Ensign Vorik, Lieutenant Ayala, and Commander Chakotay." "Damn." Oh well, he'd just have to work out in his quarters. He could do push ups and sit ups at least. --- "1,032, 1,033, Computer time." "0646." Tom nodded, "Right, I best shower before I go on duty." He scrambled to his feet, arms aching. Nothing like a thousand push ups to distract him. Freshly showered and dressed Tom hurried to the bridge. He couldn't wait to start his shift, the only time he felt at peace was in the pilot's chair. It had always been that way. Everything was right in the world as long as he got to fly. Just him, the ship, and the stars. Perfection. He was free to soar and share in the beauty that was Voyager. Her magnificence made up for his inadequacies. And she loved him. He knew most people would consider it insane to attribute an emotion such as love to a starship, but he knew that it was true. Voyager loved him, and he was never complete except when dancing with her. --- "Are you all right?" Tom looked at Harry's concerned face in surprise, "What do you mean?" "You look a little pale." "Just tried Neelix's new delicacy." lied Tom, who had skipped lunch again. But he had heard enough of the new concoction that he knew his lie was plausible. Harry winced in sympathy. "I'm glad I was busy in engineering and skipped lunch. By the time I got there I'd been forewarned." Tom nodded thinking, 'I don't deserve to have Harry as a friend; he's a sweet kid' "Well," said Harry, "Gotta go, don't want to be late for my shift" "Have fun" Tom called after him. Turning, Tom headed towards his quarters; he had some time before his shift began. He blinked, the hall swam before his eyes. Carefully he blinked away the dots, trying to get them to form a single picture again. Maybe he should try to eat something. His stomach rebelled at the thought, but he couldn't fly like this. And Tom wouldn't let anything interfere with his flying. He had enough replicator rations, he wouldn't have to brave the mess hall, just order himself some bread, keep it mild and he should be fine. Tom ate the bread without enthusiasm. He had to force it down his throat. "Do you really think you deserve to be eating that food? Odile used to eat, the other two people you killed used to eat. Until you got to them." Tom choked on the bread. The voice was right. What right did he have to be alive when he'd killed his best friends and the only woman he'd ever love? FLYING, he reminded himself sternly. You have to stay together if you're going to keep flying. But the voice hadn't had his full say yet. "Who's next? Harry? Will you kill him too? You know you will. You can't help it. You're cursed. Anyone who's foolish enough to care for you is doomed. If you really care about the kid, you'll let him find a better friend. Someone who deserves him." No dammit. Not Harry. He couldn't survive without Harry's friendship anymore than he could without flying. He wouldn't hurt him. Harry wouldn't die because of him. He wouldn't! Full of angry denial, Tom whirled to slam his fist hard into the wall. Ow. DAMN! Stupid move Tommy-boy he scolded himself. The wall didn't do anything. You just banged up your fist for no reason. He regarded the bloody appendage with a feeling of detachment. Hmm. Noticeable. Oh yes he'd have to take care of this. Not the Holodoc. No. He'd only sneer. No. He'd take care of it himself. He'd just have to regenerate it. "Coward. Can't even take a little pain. Has to regenerate it immediately." Sometimes Tom hated the Voice. --- Tom stepped out of the shower. Rubbing his hair with a towel he stepped out into his bedroom. Red alert sirens blared unexpectedly, causing Tom to jump, startled. With the speed born of lots of practice Tom toweled himself dry and dressed in his uniform. Not bothering with his hair he raced out into the corridor. Passing crewmembers in various states of disarray he headed towards the bridge. When he got there he found everyone else already at their stations. Heading towards the conn he relieved the Ensign there of her post. With a sideways glance at him, she demanded to know what he was doing. "What do you mean?" "You're only an observer. You can't fly." "What do you mean? I'm the chief pilot." From her chair Janeway laughed, "Who would be stupid enough to let a screw up like you fly a twenty year old rubbish hauler, let alone be the chief pilot of a starship?" she asked scornfully. Tom stared at his captain in open mouthed astonishment. The dream faded out and Tom found himself sprawled naked on his bedroom floor. Slowly he pushed himself to his feet. He must have blacked out again. A mixture of not eating and only sleeping when he literally collapsed had caused several of those lately. Thankfully he'd always been alone. If it happened in front of someone else they might have refused to let him fly. Tom shuddered at the thought. --- 'Gods I hate these meetings' thought a thoroughly bored Tom Paris, 'Once the Scientists get going there's no stopping them. I don't think this stuff would be interesting even if I knew what was going on.' The image before him started to fuzz. 'Oh DAMN no!' Tom blinked frantically, trying to get the world back into focus. -- Odile laughed as she spun around in the summer sun. Tom chuckled as he watched her, frolicking like a child. Suddenly she started to change, her flush skin began to turn grey, her luxurious hair became dull. Her eyes became sunken. She was transforming into a corpse right before his eyes. "Odile?!" Her eyes were cold, "It's all your fault. You stole my youth, stole my life, I hate you." "No Odile, no, it was an accident!" "You were responsible for our safety. You should have paid more attention. You should have been better, faster, stronger. You should have been BETTER! But you're not. You're nothing but a worthless piece of scum!" -- "PARIS!" Tom snapped back to consciousness. "Yes, Captain?" he asked fuzzily. The captain was fixing him with her patented stony glare. "If you find this meeting so boring you can't even stay awake maybe you'd better go clean Jefferies tube 32." "Yes ma'am," Tom got up and walked quickly out of the meeting. Before going to his assigned Jefferies tube Tom ran to the bathroom where he proceeded to get thoroughly sick, although there wasn't much of anything in his stomach to come up. --- Captain Janeway watched her chief pilot leave the room, disturbed. It wasn't like him to fall asleep in meetings, and was it just her but did her look thinner and paler then normal? --- Tom scrubbed the Jefferies tube tiredly. He was getting tired of Jefferies tubes. Oh yeah. He began to feel dizzy and cursed. Damn, not again. The Jefferies tube began to fade --- "Sickbay to Captain Janeway." "Yes." "Please come down here, Lieutenant Paris is ill and I need to discuss it with you." "On my way." --- Pain. Lights. Shining brightly above him. His father's voice. "It's none of your business how he got like this. Just patch him up." The too sterile smell of a hospital. A very familiar smell. --- "Gentlemen." Captain Janeway was slightly surprised to see both Tuvok and Chakotay already. It must be even more serious then she'd thought. With them stood a very unhappy looking Crewman Chell. "Captain." Tuvok just nodded at her. Not much for chatting, Tuvok. "What's going on?" Tuvok motioned to Crewman Chell. Glancing nervously at his superiors Chell told his story, "I was helping with some repairs. I was passing through Jefferies tube 32 when I realized it was soaking wet. Not much farther I found Lieutenant Paris, passed out in a soapy puddle. I tried to wake him up but couldn't so I called the Doctor and he transported him here." -- Crack. Lancing pain across his back. His father's voice, "Why do you make me do this, Thomas? Why must you be such a disappointment? You're a Paris. You should be the head of all your classes." Trying not to cry. That'd only upset father further. Must be strong. Hide it. Hide the pain. Don't let them see. -- "Thank you Crewman, you did right. You may return to your station now." "Yes, Captain." Chell left and the Doctor entered. Janeway turned to the Doctor. "Well?" "Mr. Paris is suffering from severe exhaustion and malnutrition. As I can find nothing else physically wrong with him I have to assume the problem is mental." "Damn," Janeway murmured to herself, "I thought it was strange he fell asleep during a meeting, and what did I do? Send him to clean Jefferies tubes." "It's not your fault," Chakotay's soft voice interrupted. " The evidence was before all of us; you can't be expected to notice everything." "My chief pilot suffers an emotional break down, stops eating and sleeping and I'm not supposed to notice?" Tuvok interrupted. "Perhaps instead of worrying about blame we should be trying to figure out what's wrong with Lieutenant Paris and figure out how to fix it." "I can take care of his physical problems easily enough," the Doctor added. "Sleeping pills and eating high calorie food will bring him back where he belongs physically, but mentally," he shook his head, "I'm a physician, not a psychiatrist." -- Cold eyes looking at him, his father, "I don't know you; you're not my son. You're a piece of traitorous mercenary scum, that's all." His own voice calling out for his father to forgive him. He was sorry, so sorry, he just had to fly. Guards grabbed him and hauled him off, still screaming. A cell. Four walls, gray stone, one cot, bare, small enough for a child. No windows. They dumped him on the bare stone floor and he curled up in a small ball, not moving. Just shaking, still sobbing, "Please Father, please forgive me." -- "I've done counseling before," Chakotay volunteered, "A lot of slaves the Maquis saved were desperately in need of counseling." "Do you think you could help Lieutenant Paris?" asked Captain Janeway. Chakotay nodded, "The hardest part will be convincing him to tell me what's wrong." -- Guards came with food. He ignored it. They came again, hauled him to his feet. "C'mon scum," one of them said. "Time for you to go to the exercise court." Running, mechanically, along with all the other prisoners. They're looking at him funny. Stop. Time for lunch. He ignores his again. Sits in the corner. A large man approaches, backed by several cronies. He leers at the handsome blond man, sitting with his hands around his knees. "Hey pretty boy," Tom ignores him. The thug grabs him by the shirt and hauls him upright. Pressing his body against him, he shoves Tom against the wall and tries to kiss him. Tom's face doesn't change. He finds a nerve and presses it. The thug gasps. Still staring at nothing Tom sits back down and puts his arms back around his knees. Ignoring everyone, who are now regarding him warily. -- "As soon as he wakes up he's yours. I'll take you both off duty for the next month. It'll probably be easier if he moved into your quarters, temporarily at least." Chakotay nodded. -- The Guards had given him a choice. Eat, or visit the prison councilor. So Tom ate. And did whatever else they told him. And sat in his prison uncaring, too caught in his own private hell to care. Or even pretend to care. Until she came... -- Chakotay was a troubled man. He didn't know what to do. He truly doubted his own ability to heal Tom Paris. But he had to try. Paris annoyed him sometimes, but he couldn't imagine how boring the Bridge would be without Paris's comments. Couldn't imagine flying through hostile areas without the reassurance that Paris was at the helm, making Voyager dance. Couldn't imagine a night of not watching the young man working the crowd at Sandrine's. Everyone knew what he was. But his blue eyes held such good natured mischief, his laugh bespoke such fun no one really minded. He was Tom Paris. The enigma. And now a new piece had been added to the puzzle. But all it did was make it more complicated. How could such a bright, talented young man not only mask a weak, cowardly traitor, but also a emotionally damaged little boy? What was a mask and what was real? Tom's eyes opened, confused blue eyes blinked up at him. "Commander?" "Good morning, Lieutenant." "Why am I in sickbay?" "The Doctors writing a paper on you, It's called 'Chief Pilot stops eating and sleeping and collapses in the middle of a Jefferies tube he's cleaning, to be found by a very confused crewman." Privately Chakotay was surprised at his own ability to joke about this. "I collapsed..... Oh yeah, I remember." "Good. That makes things easier. Now. Would you care to explain why you stopped eating?" "Wasn't hungry" "And sleeping. DON'T tell me you weren't tired." "Couldn't" "Why didn't you go to the Doctor for sleeping aids?" "Don't like drugs." Tom sat up, "Now if the interpretation is over Commander," he got up, "I'll be going" "Not so fast, Paris. You are not fit for duty." "What? But I feel fine." "Because the doctor gave you vitamin supplements. So right now you are physically fine. However any senior officer who lets himself fall to the level of weakness you had obviously needs some counseling. I will try to get you back on duty as soon as possible, I promise you, however I will not release you before you're ready." "Wait a minute, you're my councilor?" "Yes, I am the most qualified. However if you would feel more comfortable with Tuvok..." "To tell you the truth I would. I know you don't much care for me and are probably only doing this because the Captain asked you." Chakotay couldn't think of anything to say. His heart screamed for him to set Tom straight but he knew he had no way of proving to Tom that he was wrong. "I'll alert Tuvok. You'll be living with him until you're fit for duty again." Tom nodded. "How's Harry?" "No one has been told of your condition, If you'd like, we can tell him." "Nah, he'd just worry." "We've put it around that you contracted a minor but very contagious disease, so no visitors." Again Tom nodded, then leaned back. Chakotay exited the sickbay to go find Tuvok. -- He felt blurry, disconnected. Something was going on, his body. Something was going on with his body. But none of it seemed real, nothing seemed connected. A doctor hovered over him. He tried to speak, tried to ask about his friends. But it was too distant. He drifted again... -- Chakotay spoke to Tuvok, "Lieutenant Paris has said that he would prefer you as his councilor." Tuvok raised one eyebrow, but didn't comment, "Very well. I will prepare my quarters to accommodate him". Turning, he set off on his task, leaving a very troubled commander behind him. Was he such a monster that Tom would rather have a cold fish like Tuvok as a councilor than him? -- Pain. In his head. In his body. He shook with it. Why? He wasn't hurt. His father just gave him a hypo. His blood. His blood was on fire. He heard someone screaming like a creature being tortured to death. It was him. -- Tuvok had been rather surprised when Lieutenant Paris had said he would rather have him as a councilor then Commander Chakotay. Most humans would prefer another human as a counselor than a Vulcan. But then, the Lieutenant's relationship with the commander had been rather rocky in the past. Perhaps that had something to do with it. Nevertheless, he found himself rather glad Lieutenant Paris had chosen him. He was rather curious about what was wrong with him, although he would never admit it. -- "Tuvok?" "Yes?" "Are you're parents still alive?" "Very much so." "What are they like?" Tuvok raised one eyebrow, but went along with Tom's request, "My mother is a botanist and teacher; my father is a scientist. He studies geology." "Do you love them?" "Love is an emotion, however I do care about them, yes." "Do they care about you?" "Of course." "Hmmmm. Any siblings?" "One, a sister." "I have two sisters. I'm the eldest." "Interesting." "They're always complaining I'm over protective of them." "Are you?" "Yes. I have to be. Father's busy a lot and they were too young to remember Mom very well. Someone has to take care of them." "Your mother died when you were young?" "Yes, when I was 7. Father took it badly. She died in an accident." "What kind of accident?" Tom didn't respond. "Lieutenant?" Tom was sitting with his legs against his chest, staring into space, face blank. -- Bright lights, bearing down on him. He was shoved onto harsh pavement. And he saw.. He saw.... NOOOOOO! -- "Lieutenant Paris is catatonic, a state brought on by a disturbing memory mentioned in his talks with Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok. Basically, he's stuck in his own mind." Tuvok interrupted the Doctor. "Judging from the conversation we were having at the time it is likely his mother's death was the catalyst." "And the timing fits," Janeway murmured to herself. "Captain?" Tuvok enquired, puzzled. "Mrs. Paris died eighteen years ago, the anniversary would be about four weeks ago. The question is, how do we get Tom out of his mind, and back into the real world?" "My people have a ritual that allows us to enter the minds of someone who is in a trance. It should work for someone who is catatonic as well." Chakotay glanced at Tuvok, "It is both safer and less intrusive than a mind meld, since I won't be reading his mind. My spirit will be joining his on the spirit plane." "And you believe that by going into Tom's mind," Janeway prompted. "I should be able to help him overcome what's bothering him about his Mom's death." "Very good, get to it Commander. Bring me back my pilot," "Yes Ma'am." -- Laughter, a happy child's. Chakotay found himself in San Francisco on a sunny summer day. Laughter again. A young blond boy, hair tousled, blue eyes alight with wonder, dragged his laughing mother on some unknown quest. "Wait up, Tommy, The pier'll still be there when we get there." "D'you think they'll show me how to steer the ships, Mommy?" "Why not? I'm sure you'll be a ship expert when we get back." "Wow! Wouldn't Father be so impressed?" "Yes he would, and so would I." Tommy Paris smiled brightly at his mother, before dashing ahead. "C'mon mommy! We're gonna miss the ship." Miriam Paris laughed. "Don't run, Tommy!" she called after him. Suddenly a hover car came bearing down at top speed, weaving wildly; the driver was certainly drunk. He was heading toward an oblivious Tommy Paris. Seeing the danger her child was in Miriam screamed his name, but he couldn't hear her. Frantically she ran toward him and pushed him out of the way. The driver slammed right into her. Tommy Paris scrambled to his feet and saw his mom lying in a bloody mess on the road. He ran to her side. "Take care of your sisters," she gasped. "And remember all I've taught you, my Tommy Boy." She died. Her son stayed at her side sobbing and screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!" -- They were sitting in a court room. Tom sat silently staring into space. Now was the time. "Tom, what are you doing?" "Waiting." "For?" "Them to find me guilty." "Tom, this isn't real." Bitter laughter. "You're not real. This is." "Tom, we're aboard Voyager." "Never heard of it." "It's our ship; you're our pilot." More laughter. "Who'd be crazy enough to let me fly?" "Captain Janeway." "Janeway... Isn't she one of Father's favorite's?" "Listen to me, Tom. You're trapped within your own mind. You can't stay here." "Here they come." Tom stood up, ignoring Chakotay. "We find Thomas Eugene Paris to be guilty of treason, His sentence, 5 years in the maximum security facility at New Zealand." -- "C'mon Tommy-boy, Just a little trip to stretch our muscles, no biggie." "I don't know. I'm not really feeling well." "C'mon, I'll bet you'll fly circles around the rest of us."....... Fire raged. Chakotay watched Tom Paris as he dragged himself from the wreckage of his shuttle and crawled to his friends. He fought with a cockpit that was holding a pretty girl down, seeing Chakotay he called to him, "Help me! She's hurt!" 'So are you.' Chakotay thought to himself, but, sighing, he went to help Paris. He had to talk to him. "Paris, you have to listen to me." "Help me save Odile and I'll do anything you want," Tom promised. "Paris, this isn't real. You're reliving this. You're trapped in your own mind, reliving all your bad memories. I need you to listen to me. There's something you can't come to grips with and I want to help you. But I need your cooperation." Tom snorted. "You're crazy, friend.[pause] It's too late. She's dead." He collapsed, just crumpled. - A funeral. Tom was scrubbed and dressed in a smart suit. He held his younger sisters' hands firmly; there were tears streaming silently down his cheeks. --- "How long is this supposed to take?"Janeway asked, regarding the limp figures of her First Officer and Chief Pilot. "A day or so. Considering Mr. Paris's stubbornness it'll probably take several days." Janeway nodded. "Keep me informed," Looking at Tuvok, she gestured with her head for him to follow her and left the sickbay. -- It wasn't Vanessa's fault really. She was only two. She lost her favorite doll and began to cry. Captain Owen Paris had no patience. He slapped her when she refused to stop crying. A stunned Chakotay watched as a seven year old Tom Paris interceded, standing protectively in front of her. Standing tall, he stared accusingly at his father. "Father, you've had too much to drink. You should take a hypo." "Don't you order ME, boy." Owen snarled. "I've a mind to take you over my knee and spank you." "Don't touch the girls," was Tom's only response. He loved his father with all his hero worshiping seven year old heart. But the girls were his responsibility. Mom had said so. Owen Paris looked at his shaking youngest, being held by her 4 year old older sister. Backing up, Tom put his arms around both of them, never allowing his eyes to stray from his father's. Owen grunted and stomped away. Tom dropped to his knees and brought the girls to him and held them tightly. "Tommy," asked Lillian, "Does Daddy hate us?" "No, he just misses Mom and it makes him do stupid things like drink. Don't worry; he goes back on duty the day after tomorrow." "Who'll take care of us?" "I will" -- Back at the court room. Chakotay was surprised. He'd decided that the best way to figure out Tom Paris was to watch the memories he went through. Where was prison itself? Why were they back here? Tom ignored him as he waited and silently heard the judges find him guilty. -- "You're 10 years old now, plenty old enough to go off to the Academy. Vanessa and Lillian are going to private girls schools. I'll expect you to conduct yourself accordingly at the Academy, like a Paris, and do me proud." "Yes father." "Good. Dismissed" -- "I can't believe this!" "Father" "My own son, getting a B in physics." "Father, I'm only 10, and I have class with people 5, 7 years older than me." Doesn't matter, you're a Paris. You should be doing better." He got up. Walking over to a cabinet, he opened it and got out a large rod. "I'll just have to motivate you better. Take off your pants and bend over." Puzzled, Tom obeyed. Chakotay watched in horror. Owen wasn't going to... He was. Owen Paris brought the rod up and delivered a swift blow to Tom's rump. Startled, Tom let out a yelp. This infuriated Owen and his next strike was harder. "Paris's don't show pain," he growled. Chakotay tried to intervene, but was unable to interact with Owen. Damn, no wonder Paris had problems. No, Tom, not Paris. Definitely NOT Paris. -- A fifteen year old Tom Paris was doubled over. His father sat in a chair, watching him calmly, glass of wine in hand. A bottle of C-16SQ, a very illegal chemical used by Cardassian's to torture victims revealed the source of Tom's pain. Chakotay had had enough. He grabbed Tom's arm . . . -- Back at the court AGAIN. Chakotay still had a grip on Tom's arm. "Tom. I understand your father abused you, but you have to understand. It wasn't your fault." Tom looked at him funny. "Of course it is. I'm a screw up. I ruin everything for him. She was the only one who thought I did right and I failed her, just like I failed my friends at Caldik Prime." Chakotay was very confused, "Her? Your Mother? How did you fail her? What is it? Why are we here?" "She always told me to follow my heart and do what I thought was right. But I didn't. I told them I was just with the Maquis for the money. I thought it'd get me a reduced sentence, I betrayed her. Just like I did you." Somewhere in the back of Chakotay's mind he noticed that Tom seemed to have stopped denying his existence. "You slipped up, you got frightened, I doubt your mom would blame you." Tears fell from Tom's eyes. "But I failed her. I fail everyone. No one can trust me. Mom trusted me to do the right thing and I failed her. Odile trusted me to guide our flight and I failed her. Father trusted me to carry on the pride of the family name and I failed him. You trusted me to get you help and I failed you. Nessa and Lily trusted me to take care of them and I failed them. I got cashiered out of Starfleet, got thrown in jail, and then lost in the Delta Quadrant. I can't take care of them here," he sobbed. Bending over and clutching his stomach, he sobbed brokenly. "Shhh," Chakotay wrapped his arms around Tom, pulling the other man to him. "You couldn't help it. It's not your fault. You didn't fail them by getting lost in the Delta Quadrant, the Caretaker did that." "But who's to protect them from him now?" "Your father?" "I love him, but he's hard, I made sure he didn't know it when they made mistakes. Made sure they were only with him during public events, but I can't do that here. I failed. I FAILED!" "Shh, Tom, you're remarkable, you kept them safe ever since you were 7. You're a brilliant, amazing, compassionate, strong man and it's an honor to serve with you." "You're just saying that to make me feel better. You hate me. You think I'm a traitor." "No, No, I admit I thought you were a traitor. I thought a lot of things about you that were wrong, I see that now, but I never hated you. I couldn't hate you." He turned Tom's face until he could look in his eyes. "I love you too much to hate you," he murmured, and then brought his lips down to softly caress Tom's. Tom had never been more surprised in his life. First Chakotay, who he had yearned for for years but never thought could care for him told him he loved him. Then the same man who'd been the cause of all his wet dreams kissed him and Tom lost any interest in analyzing, he didn't care if it was a trick. Those were Chakotay's lips caressing his, Chakotay's tongue teasing him, tasting him. Those were Chakotay's arms wrapped around him, pulling him close in a protective embrace. Tom felt- cherished, loved, safe. Slowly, reluctantly, they broke the kiss. Tom laid his head on Chakotay's chest. "I don't know how to get back. I'm scared." "Don't be, I'm here, I'll guide you back. You're only here because you want to be. You just have to want to be back on Voyager." "Voyager- the Captain, is she-?" "She's worried about you. We all are, or at least everyone who knows is." Tom nodded. "Do I still have to live with Tuvok?" Chakotay chuckled. "Maybe you should ask the Captain that, once we get back. I-I was kind of hoping you?d be willing to live with me." "Really? You-you want me to live with you?" "Yes, I do." "Why?" Chakotay looked in Tom's eyes, a lifetime of pain lurked in the depths of those so blue eyes. A hurt child, begging to be loved, but never trusting that it's real. "Of course I do. I love you." "Why? I'm not exactly a good catch. I'll push you away when I'm hurting, I'll drive you crazy when I'm not, I'll need constant reassurance that you love me." "I know. I won't let you push me away; I'll love you no matter what. I could use some craziness in my life, keep me on my toes. And as for reassurance," he pulled Tom to him. Tom gasped as he found himself pressed against a very hard part of Chakotay's body. Chakotay smiled at him, desire plain in his eyes, "I'm sure I can manage that." Then he kissed Tom again, not gently as before but wildly, passionately. He took Tom's mouth with a wild abandon, pulling the taller man to him. Tom moaned and melted into the kiss, his hands moving desperately tugging on Chakotay's shirt, longing to touch skin, He stuck his hands beneath the shirt, running his hands along the muscles of Chakotay's back, then sliding around to the front. Chakotay gasped as Tom's hands brushed his nipples. He broke the kiss with great reluctance. "We have to get back to Voyager" Tom nodded and started to pull away, before he could Chakotay whispered in his ear, "And then we can go back to my cabin and I can fuck you until they hear your screams in the Alpha Quadrant." Tom's heart raced and all his blood rushed from one head to another. He gulped. -- "Captain, I am pleased to inform you that Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Paris are beginning to wake." "Excellent, I'm on my way." -- "Tom, how are you feeling?" "Hungry." The pilot rubbed his eyes sleepily, "How long was I-" "Nearly 2 days." Tom nodded. "Oh, Chakotay said I should ask you-" "Go ahead Tom, you can ask me anything." "Do I still have to live with Tuvok?" Janeway laughed softly and smiled gently at him. "Are you sure you're ready to live alone?" "No, but I won't be living alone." "What do you mean?" "He'll be living with me." A soft voice interrupted. Chakotay came over to sit next to Tom, who favored him with a blindingly bright smile, and drew the younger man into an embrace. Tom snuggled happily into Chakotay's chest. Janeway watched them with surprise. How had she missed this? Tom must have read something in her expression because he rushed to reassure her. "I'm ok now, Captain. Well, not ok but better. I have someone to take care of and someone to take care of me." He looked at Chakotay and added quietly, "Someone who knows the depths of my soul and still loves me." Chakotay smiled at Tom, a smile she had never seen before, and Janeway got the distinct feeling she was intruding on a private moment. Time for a tactical retreat, "I'd best get back to the bridge, Gentlemen," She smiled at them. "Congratulations, why don't you take tomorrow off? You'll need time to move Tom into Chakotay's quarters." She left --- "Chakotay?" "Hmm?" "Can we tell Harry first?" "Of course. How long do you think before the whole ship knows?" "I give it an hour." "Then we'd best tell him fast, and B'Elanna next. If she finds out through rumors she'll rip out my lungs and wear them as a hat." Tom pouted. "She better not, I want you hale and healthy so I can have my way with you." "Oh?" Chakotay leaned forward and whispered seductively, "And what way would that be?" "Why don't we hurry and spread the news so I can take you home and show you, and you can make good your promise." --- Tom rang the chime for Harry's quarters nervously, gripping Chakotay's hand hard. He desperately wanted his friend's approval. Harry came to the door. Only seeing Tom, his eyes lit up and he rushed to hug his friend. "Tom you're alright! I was worried when the Doctor wouldn't tell us what you had." "Yeah Harry." Tom hugged his friend back. "I'm alright." He pulled away, "Um, there's something I have to tell you." He looked to his right and Chakotay stepped forward. Automatically Harry stiffened, "Commander." His mouth fell open as Chakotay put his arm around Tom who snuggled into it and wrapped his own arm around Chakotay's waist."Tom?" Harry asked in confusion. "Chakotay and I are together. How, well that's a long story." "I've got time." "We should invite B'Elanna," Chakotay suggested, "Get all these explanations out of the way." "Expect for the Captain, and Tuvok, and the rest of the crew." Tom pointed out. "The captain and Tuvok already know half of the story, and the rest of the crew can figure it out on their own." Tom nodded his agreement. --- The End