The BLTS Archive- The Last Time You Loved by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Well, here is one of the promised sequels to my story Shameless. I'll have to do the C/P one now! This is another song that says Tom Paris all over. There are a lot of them out there! It would really help to read Shameless first. Characters copyrighted by Paramount, used without permission. Story copyrighted May 1997 by Joanne Collins. Olivia Newton-John's song The Last Time You Loved is also used without permission. It's on one of her early albums, Don't Stop Believing. And Elton John's song, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word is also used without permission. Comments and feedback welcome (and craved). No flames about my taste in music please. Please post comments or email to the above addy. I give my permission for this story to be archived at the ASC archives. It may also be posted to BLTS. It is also to be posted at R'Rain's archive. Please don't distribute elsewhere except for personal archiving. Do feel free to share the story with friends, just keep my name and the headers on it. Angst and mush warnings apply. Set just after The Cloud. The phrase "the shy little ensign who used to blush when sex was mentioned" belongs to R'Rain. She used it to describe Harry in Pudding And Pie, which was the very first P/K story I ever read. Inspired by all those impassioned pleas for a sequel to Shameless. Dedicated to all who have sent feedback on Shameless. It's all your fault that I wrote this one! And to the poster on ASC who wanted more P/K. Hope you enjoy this one ;-). --- The last time you loved, Was the first time you ever cried, It was the first time you ever really loved, And the last time you ever tried. Olivia Newton-John, The Last Time You Loved. --- Harry walked into Sandrine's and was immediately confronted with the sight of Tom Paris locked in a passionate embrace with Megan Delaney. "Not wasting any time, is he?" asked B'Elanna Torres, who was just behind Harry, "No sooner does he get a turndown from me, and he's on to the next willing body." Tom Paris's reputation as a womaniser was already legendary on Voyager. There was even a rumour that he'd tried it on with Seska, only to be told in no uncertain terms what he could do with a very sensitive portion of his anatomy. "I guess he didn't know about you and Hogan, then?" "Actually, he said that Jason could join us if he liked." "I'm surprised that you didn't do what Seska told him to do." "I considered it, Starfleet. I just didn't feel like expending the energy." "I can't stay here," Harry said, turning on his heel to leave. B'Elanna followed him, the last thing that she wanted was to watch that display any longer than she had to. As Jason was on duty for another two hours, she decided to see if she could cheer Harry up a little. "Come on, Starfleet. I know where we can get some real booze." "No, thanks. Much as I'd welcome the oblivion, I don't think that we need a hungover Ops officer tomorrow," Harry remembered the last time that he'd had a real drink, and the depression settled over him again. 'Would a totally depressed one be any better?' ran through B'Elanna's mind. Aloud she said, "Well, do you want to go to your quarters and talk?" Harry smiled, and pulled B'Elanna close in an affectionate hug. "Yeah. If I don't talk about this soon, I think I'll go crazy. Thanks for realising I needed to talk." "Hey, I recognise the symptoms of homesickness, even if I don't particularly suffer from them." 'Homesickness is the least of it, B'Elanna,' Harry thought, thinking again of how Tom's kisses had felt that one night that they'd been together. --- About three weeks earlier: "Hey, Harry, how about we have dinner in my quarters? I don't feel like braving the Mess Hall yet again," Tom grimaced, remembering the last time, when he'd gotten into a shouting match with Dalby which might have turned violent if not for Tuvok's timely intervention. "Sure, why not?" Harry agreed, "We can pool our rations, and have a really good meal. I've got a great recipe for ginger chicken programmed." "Sounds great. Let's go," and the two men made their way to Tom's cabin. As Harry was accessing the database for his mother's recipe, Tom opened a bottle of wine and poured.them each a glass. Harry accepted his almost absentmindedly, and choked on the first sip. "Hey, I'm sorry," Tom said apologetically, "I thought that you realised that it was real." "It's okay," Harry gasped, "It was just unexpected." He took a cautious sip, and smiled, "This is delicious Tom." "Not bad, for a modest little red, is it? Are you finding that recipe okay? I'm starved!" "Yes. It takes about fifteen minutes to replicate. Do you want me to program a dessert?" "Sure, why not? We've got enough rations, haven't we?" "Yeah, just. What do you like?" "Cherry pie? Fudge ripple pudding? Chocolate mousse?" "Any of the above is fine, or how about chocolate chocolate chip ice cream?" "Harry, you're more decadent than I am. Sounds wonderful." Harry programmed in the request, and the chicken and vegetable dish appeared a few minutes later. Harry brought the two plates over to the couch where Tom was sitting, and the two men ate in comfortable silence for a while. Harry was the first to break it. "Tom, is there a woman on this ship, other than Samantha Wildman, Kes and the Captain that you haven't asked out yet?" having heard the Seska story the previous night. "Probably not. Guess I'll have to start on the men soon." Harry was shocked. Not that Tom was interested in men, he'd had one or two male lovers himself, and he wasn't in the least surprised that Tom had, but by the cavalier way Tom had just spoken. "Tom, don't you believe in commitment, in settling down with one person and trying to make a relationship work?" "Sure I do. I just don't think that I'll ever do it again. I think love's passed me by." "There was someone, back home?" "Not recently. When I was at the Academy." "Do you want to talk about it?" "Yes. I'd like that, Harry," and Tom turned to face his friend, who gasped. "What is it, Harry?" "Just then, when you moved your head....Of course, that's it!" "That's what?" "I can't believe I didn't see it before." "See what? What are you talking about Harry?" "It was during my second year at the Academy. There was an...accident..." Harry trailed off, not wanting to bring up unpleasant memories for Tom. "Go on, Harry," Tom said, in a surprisingly steady voice. "It was just before the commencement exercises. My...roommate, Wesley Crusher, was involved." "What happened?" "It involved Nova Squadron. Hey, you told me that you were part of Nova Squadron when you were at the Academy too. Weird..I should have made the connection then. The Squadron was attempting a Kolvoord Starburst." "But that maneuver's been banned for years. Even I was never reckless enough to consider that...for longer than a drunken moment at any rate." "Yeah, well, Nick Locarno thought that he could do anything with the Squadron that he had. He was wrong, and a cadet was killed. That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that he convinced the rest of the Squadron to cover up the events of the accident, and lie about how it happened." "That's awful, but what does that have to do with me? Aside from a few superficial similarities to a certain event in my past of course." "You look like Nick Locarno. I didn't realise it until I saw you at that angle, but I swear, he could be a relative of yours. He's not, is he?" "Not that I know of. But that doesn't mean much. My father didn't keep in close touch with any of his family." The replicator beeped. "That's the ice cream," Tom moved to get up. "I'll get it." "You're spoiling me, Harry." 'If only you knew how much I wanted to,' Harry thought, looking at Tom sprawled on the couch with effortless grace. Harry got the ice cream, and returned to the couch, handing Tom his bowl. Harry asked, as they were eating, "So who is she?" "I'm sorry?" "The one, the love that's passed you by." "Not she, he." "A man?" "You look surprised, Harry." "I am, a little. I always thought that if you had had a serious relationship, it would have been with a woman." "No, it was a very special, beautiful man," and Tom told Harry the story of his relationship with James Hawk. "So, what happened after he was posted to the Enterprise?" "We kept seeing each other for a while, it wasn't the same. We still loved each other, but the distance was getting to us. Then, when I was thinking about James and not what I was doing, the accident happened. I wouldn't see him afterwards, but he kept trying to see me. So I went off as far as I could and ended up in a dive on the Cardassian border. That's where I met Chakotay for the first time, and ended up in the Maquis, and you know what happened next." "I'm sorry, Tom." "So am I. If I'd agreed to marry James when he asked me, I'd never have gotten into the trouble I did." "Don't you think things happen the way that they do for a reason?" "Maybe, but what reason could there be for all that?" "Maybe you were meant to be on this ship, and do the things that you've done, like saving the Commander's life." "Maybe. It's a hell of a lot easier to accept things if you think like that," Tom looked sad for a moment, "I hope we get home soon. Maybe it won't be too late to salvage something, even if we can only be friends." "What's meant to be is what happens, Tom. But I hope so, too." "Well, of course you do, Harry. You've got Libby waiting for you." "Part of me hopes that she hasn't. Oh, I still care for her, but I've realised since all this happened that I'm not in love with her. I don't know if I ever truly was, or if my getting engaged to her was just to satisfy my family's expectations." "Expectations?" "Grandchildren, carrying on the Kim name. I'm the only son, you know." "Oh, that sort of thing. Luckily I never had to live up to that kind of thing, I don't know if my father would want me to pass on my genes to the family bloodline." Harry was silent for a moment, then reached for Tom's bowl to place it in the replicator. Tom reached for it at the same time, and their hands touched. Afterwards, Harry never knew why that was the moment, they'd touched like this a hundred times before, but this time, a spark flared between them, as brown eyes gazed deep into endless blue. Both men leaned forward at the same time, meeting in a passionate kiss that wiped all thoughts of the outside world away. Harry glided a hand up Tom's arm, to pull him closer, and Tom didn't resist. They kissed for endless moments, tongues tangling, breath mingling, thoughts churning, until they had to pull apart to breathe. "Harry...are you...sure?" Harry didn't answer Tom in words, he just began pulling his clothing off, unbuttoning his shirt, slipping off his shoes, unbuttoning his trousers, then reaching for Tom's shirt, finding him unresisting, he repeated the process on Tom, taking all of his clothes off, then removing his underwear. Harry pulled Tom up, and they were embracing, skin against skin, touching everywhere. Tom was still unresisting, so Harry took the lead, kissing trails all over Tom's neck, moving up to nip at his jawline, tracing his eyebrows with his tongue, kissing his closed eyelids, moving over his sharply defined cheekbones, then returning to his lips once again. They were both gasping and moaning, bodies moving against each other, becoming aware of each other's rising excitement. "Bedroom," Tom gasped, when Harry wrapped a hand around his erection, stroking gently. As they entered Tom's bedroom, Harry moved to turn the covers down, only to be pounced on by Tom, who lay him across the bed. He kissed Harry, stroking his sides, moving over his golden skin., then moving to stroke his erection. Harry bucked and thrust into Tom's hand, loving Tom's sure, gentle touch. Tom didn't let up on his stroking, kissing Harry passionately as he continued pumping his shaft. "Please, Tom, don't stop," Harry sobbed and gasped. "Never, Harry," and Tom continued, coaxing Harry's orgasm out of him with gentle and rough movements, until Harry cried out, and came. Tom held Harry as he shook with his orgasm, and as he slowly came back to himself. Harry opened his eyes and looked at Tom. "Wow." "Liked that, did you?" "Do you need to ask?" Harry moved and realised that Tom was still unsatisfied. "Tom?" "Yes - oh, gods," as Harry moved a leg against him. "Would you make love to me?" "Are you sure?" Tom echoed his earlier question. "Please, Tom. I want you to." "Can't turn down a request like that, can I?" Tom grinned, and reached into the bedside stand, finding a tube of lubricant. Harry took it from him, and started stroking it onto Tom's erection, loving the sounds Tom was making. After a few moments of this, Tom gently removed Harry's teasing, stroking hand, and squeezed some of the lubricant onto his fingers, then began to explore Harry's opening with a finger, then adding a second, brushing over Harry's prostate. Harry moaned, and clenched around Tom's fingers, loosening when Tom added a third. Tom gently turned Harry over, and entered him carefully. Harry gasped, and thrust back against Tom, harder than Tom had intended. Tom moaned, and reached a hand around to grasp Harry, pumping his erection in time with his thrusts, bringing him to climax again, then exploding deep inside Harry's body. They collapsed onto the bed, Tom pulling Harry into his arms, and fell asleep that way. The next morning, Tom was gone before Harry woke up, and he didn't see him for the rest of that day. When he asked Tuvok where he was, he was informed that Tom had requested to spend his duty shift in the holodeck, going over some flight simulations. Harry didn't think that there was anything odd about that, it was a common occurrence. --- The next time he saw Tom, however, was not a common occurrence. He stepped into a turbolift, only to find Tom and Jenny Delaney already occupying it. They didn't even notice him, they were too wrapped up in each other, and Harry had to spend the entire ride to his deck determinedly not watching them. But he could hear Tom's moans, and couldn't help but remember how Tom had sounded last night, when he'd made love "made love, not just fucked," to him. After that, Tom acted like nothing had happened, as if their friendship was still just the same. Harry played along with it, but he still wanted Tom to love him as much as he loved Tom. "So, Starfleet, spill it," B'Elanna began, as the door to Harry's quarters hissed shut behind them. So Harry told her everything, how the moment he'd seen Tom in that bar on DS9 he'd been attracted to him, how he had only agreed to marry Libby to satisfy his parents' expectations, how Tom had made love to him so gently and passionately one night, and had ignored the fact of that night ever since, and how much he now knew that he loved Tom. The only thing he didn't tell her was the story of Tom's relationship with James, thinking that it wasn't his story to tell her, although he did allude to a past relationship of Tom's being a big part of the problem. "Well, Harry, you can do one of two things. You can keep this bottled up inside you until you go crazy, or you can confront him and tell him how you feel. I strongly suggest the second option." "You're right, B'Elanna." "I often am," she smiled, "Now go, before he and Megan decide to make their little show a private one." "Thanks, B'Elanna," he said, hugging her. "Well, I still think he's a pig, but he's a pig that will make you happy, Harry, and that's all that matters." Harry left his quarters at a run, heading for the holodeck. --- Harry entered Sandrine's noticing that there were still several crew members playing pool and drinking synthehol. Captain Janeway caught his eye and waved, and he almost lost his nerve to do what he had planned when he realised that she was here, but he'd made up his mind. He was going to confront Tom indirectly, but in a way that Tom wouldn't be able to misinterpret. Tom was in a corner, apparently checking Megan's pulse with his lips. He gathered up his courage, and called to the computer. "Play musical selection Kim-LTYL." The music didn't begin immediately, as this was a song that started the music in the second verse. "This is for someone in this room. You know who you are," and Harry began to sing. I think there are people who need to be loved, Lonely and hiding the light from their eyes, Still too afraid to light up the night, Too lonely to come out of hiding. (the soft piano music began) Well I've seen you with the young girls, They come when you call, They make love so easy, They don't love at all, You want me to come running when your world's falling in, You want me till you got me, Then you're gone again. And your passion comes so easy, Then you ease away from me. Cause the last time you loved, Was the first time you ever cried, It was the first time you ever really loved, And the last time you ever tried. Your defences become you, Now you've become them, It's one night on the weekend, Then you're gone again, Well I'm tears and I'm passion and there's so much love in me, Stop all your running and I'll set you free. And I stand before you naked, And my soul is on my sleeve. And the last time you loved, Was the first time you ever cried, It was the first time you ever really loved, And the last time you ever tried. It was the first time you ever really loved, Say it's not the last time you'll ever try. The room was silent for a moment, then the patrons erupted in applause. Captain Janeway came up to Harry and took his hand in hers, clasping it tight for a moment, and releasing it without saying anything, but the look of support she gave him was enough. Chakotay came up to him, and said, "If whoever it is doesn't respond, tell them that I said that they're an idiot." Harry smiled at the thought of actually telling Tom that. Several other people came up to tell Harry how they'd never have suspected him of having such a wonderful voice, even though most people on board knew of his clarinet playing. Harry blushed, and said that he'd had voice training as part of his Juilliard studies. The bar slowly emptied, and Harry noticed Megan walking out with Jenny, but no Tom. Harry looked around, but couldn't see him anywhere. Then he heard music begin. What have I got to do to make you love me, What have I got to do to make you care, What do I do when lightning strikes me, And I wake to find that you're not there? What have I got to do to make you want me, What have I got to do to be heard, What do I say when it's all over, And sorry seems to be the hardest word. It's sad (so sad), It's a sad, sad situation, And it's getting more and more absurd, It's sad (so sad), Why can't we talk it over? Oh it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word. What have I got to do to make you love me, What have I got to do to be heard, What do I do when lightning strikes me, What have I got to do? What have I got to do? When sorry seems to be the hardest word? "I'm sorry, Harry. I had no idea that you felt that way about me." "Tom, I think that I fell in love with you the first time I met you, in that bar on DS9." "But you've talked so much about Libby, about getting home...I thought that was what you wanted, that the night we had together was just...loneliness, needing someone." "Tom, was that what it was for you? Because it wasn't that for me, at all. I love you, Tom. If I had any doubts about that before we made love...and that's what it was, Tom, it wasn't just fucking, I don't have any now," Harry finished, unable to look at Tom's face. "Oh, Harry," Tom said, gathering him in his arms, "I thought that after James, I'd never find anyone that I could have as a friend and a lover. I compartmentalised my feelings, you were my friend, and I couldn't have you as a lover. I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to do that, because it prevented me from seeing how much I love you until now." "What?" "I love you, Harry. I was just hiding from my feelings, because I didn't think that I could have that any more, not after everything that's happened to me, especially losing the only person I ever really loved, besides my sister." "You have a sister?" "Yes. Her name is Miranda. She and James are the only reason that I want to get back home, now that I've found what I want here." "But...if you want me, why do you want to get back to James?" "I want to explain to him, to end the relationship the way it should have ended, instead of the way that it did. But I don't want him as a lover, Harry. If we got home tomorrow, I'd still want you." "And I'd still want you, Tom." Tom tightened his arms around Harry, and he moved to kiss him, gently. It didn't stay gentle for long, Harry reaching up to pull Tom's head closer to his, deepening the kiss. They stood, in the middle of the deserted bar, kissing for endless moments, unaware of anything except each other. "So," Harry said when he could think clearly again, "Your place or mine?" "Yours is too...thin-walled, don't you think?""True. Yours then." "We'd better go now, Harry, or it'll be the pool table."Harry looked at it speculatively, then shook his head, "Not this time, Tom. I want to go to sleep in your arms like last time, and wake up in them like it should have been." Tom looked at Harry, and stroked his hair. "So sweet, always, aren't you, my love." Harry shivered at the sound of Tom saying those words, and called for the computer to end the programme, or he thought that he would ask Tom to take him here and now. Soon they were in Tom's quarters, and no sooner had the door slid shut than Tom was pulling at Harry's uniform, trying to get it off him as quickly as possible. Harry was doing the same to Tom's, and soon both men were naked, skin touching everywhere, and it was everything and not enough at the same time. Harry kissed Tom, and Tom ground his erection against Harry, who pulled Tom gently into the bedroom, continuing the kisses and caresses that were driving them both to the edge of madness. Harry lay Tom gently on the bed, kissing trails of fire all over his body. Tom was so beautifully responsive, thought Harry, then the thought was cut off by another moan from Tom as Harry tongued his nipples. It was as if every part of Tom reacted to Harry's touch, and Harry kept touching Tom, just to make him moan and shiver with desire. Harry continued on his slow, loving journey over Tom's body, not missing a single millimetre of his skin, stroking, kissing and touching everywhere. He moved down Tom's stomach, over his sharp hip bones, down his legs, and sucked at his toes. "OH GODS," Tom yelled, and Harry was surprised, he'd had no idea that Tom's toes were so sensitive. He continued his leisurely journey, kissing the arch of Tom's foot, his ankle, then moving upwards, eventually, after long moments of teasing pleasure, he took Tom's erection into his mouth. Tom thrust into the wet heat of Harry's mouth, not wanting to push too far, when Harry opened his throat and swallowed him whole. That was all it took to send Tom over the edge, and he exploded into Harry's mouth. Harry wrapped his arms around Tom, letting him come back to himself. "Harry...that was...I can't describe it." "Not so much the shy little ensign who blushes when sex is mentioned?" Tom was the one who blushed at that question, remembering when he'd used that phrase to describe Harry. "You heard that?" "Heard about it. B'Elanna told me." Tom grinned, and said, "You don't want to hear what she said, then?" "Something about you not knowing how to blush any more?" And Tom proceeded to prove B'Elanna wrong by blushing red to his knees. Harry smiled, and reached to touch as much of the red heat under Tom's skin as he could. His erection bumped Tom's thigh, and both men gasped. "Looks like we have some unfinished business, Ensign," Tom grinned, and began to stroke him. "Oh, gods," Harry moaned, thrusting into Tom's expert touch. "Harry," Tom said after a few moments of this, "Do you...would you make love to me?" Harry stopped for a moment, not sure if he'd heard right. "Tom, are you sure?" Tom smiled, remembering his use of the same words on their first night together, and nodded. Harry reached into his bedside drawer, and pulled out a tube of lubricant. Tom raised an eyebrow at that, and was about to make a teasing remark about Harry always being prepared, when Harry squeezed some lubricant onto his fingers, and began to gently prepare him, slipping a finger inside him. Tom was incapable of speech, just moaning under Harry's experienced touch, almost screaming when he added a second, then a third finger. Harry made to turn him over, but Tom rolled onto his back. "I want to see you," he explained between moans of pleasure. Harry just looked deep into those blue eyes, and fell once more. He entered Tom, thrusting gently, still keeping that connection with his eyes, and moved a hand to pump Tom's erection in time with his thrusts. Tom placed a hand over Harry's, both to make another connection between them, and to speed the pace up a little. Harry continued, thrusting deeper each time, and Tom sped up more and more, until Tom exploded over both their bodies and Harry came deep inside Tom. Harry collapsed forward onto Tom's chest, and realised that Tom wasn't moviing. He looked at Tom for a moment, realised that he had just passed out, and smiled, remembering the first time it had happened to him with a lover, and how shocked he'd been. Now, he took it as a compliment, and he was particularly proud that he'd managed to make Tom feel such pleasure, knowing how experienced Tom was. "Mmmm," Tom sighed, and woke up, "That was...wonderful." "You're telling me? Tom, that was one of the most incredible experiences of my life." "I haven't felt like this since...since James. You don't mind my talking about him, do you?" "Tom, considering how much I talk about Libby, I would have no claim to minding it. And I like to hear you talk about him. I think we could have been friends." "Yes, but that's all WE could have been then. I firmly believe that if we hadn't been separated, we would have been married by now." "Did you ever find out why you were separated?" Harry was completely unprepared for the look of utter hatred that came over Tom's face at the seemingly inoccuous question. "Oh, yeah. I found out that my father had found out about us, and he knew that Captain Picard was looking for a conn officer with James' training. So he mentioned James to Admiral Nechayev, and the rest is history," Tom finished bitterly. "Was it...was it because James was a man?" "Yes. And the fact that I was actually happy for the first time in my life." Harry didn't answer, he just pulled Tom closer to him. Tom held him for a while, then laughed. "What?" "Oh, just wondering what my father's reaction would be to you? But you know what? I don't care. I love you, and that's all that matters, no matter what he, or anyone says." "I love you, Tom, and that's how I feel too." "It's not going to be easy, you know. There are a lot of people on this ship who still have very mixed feelings about me, to put it mildly." "Yes, but you know that Commander Chakotay will keep the Maquis in line, and ditto the Captain and Starfleet. And our friends won't care either way. I know for a fact that B'Elanna is happy for us." "She's probably just relieved that I won't chase her any more," Tom groaned, "I really gave her a hard time a few days ago." "Hey, it's okay. Just don't mention it to Hogan, and we'll be fine." "Okay. Anyway, I think we need a shower." Harry agreed, and let Tom lead him into the bathroom. Soon, they were back in the bed, changing the sheets first, and Tom pulled Harry into his arms. "That's your place, now, every night. Except when we're on separate shifts." Harry snuggled closer and murmured, "Is that an order, Lieutenant?" "If that's what it takes." "It takes a lot less than that, Tom. Just love me, that's all I ask." "I do, Harry. I never thought that I'd find this kind of love again, but I'm so happy I did." "I'm pretty happy about it too, Tom," and Harry yawned, and fell asleep, his head pillowed on Tom's chest. Tom followed him soon after. --- The next morning, Harry came awake slowly, coming to awareness that he wasn't alone, feeling warm, strong arms around him, a muscular chest under his cheek, and smiled. Tom hadn't run out on him this time, and he never would again. --- The End