The BLTS Archive- My Heart Will Go On by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek is Paramount/Viacom's. My Heart Will Go On, written by James Horner and Will Jennings, sung by Celine Dion. Posting this in honour of the Oscars. It won! This story takes place after my story I Remember L.A. (a work in progress) in my Paris/Hawk universe, sometime between Generations and First Contact in TNG time, and after the episode Twisted in Voyager time. It's probably a good idea to have read my first Paris/Hawk story Shameless first, so that you have some idea of what's going on here. Shameless is available on R'Rain's archive, the ASC archive, on my page or you can email me for a copy. Voyager has been missing for almost a year at this time, and people in both quadrants are starting to accept that they may never see each other again. That is not an easy realisation. M/m sexual situations, nothing graphic, but this story should not be read by those under eighteen or those who do not like m/m. Archiving: R'Rain's archive, ASC archive, PKSP story archive, CPSG archive Distribution: PKSP, CPSG, BLTS, ASC/EM. Any other archiving, linking, etc, please ask first. For everyone who's asked for more P/H. --- Every night in my dreams... I see you, I feel you... That is how I know you go on... --- James drew Tom to him, kissing him everywhere he could reach, moving his hands over that slender, strong body, smiling as he reached the hardness between Tom's legs. Tom's hands had found his own hardness, and they began stroking each other with a familiar rhythm. Tom was moving urgently, stroking James to a climax, James was doing the same for Tom, and they both exploded almost simultaneously. James moved to take Tom into his arms... And woke up, gasping in exertion, then feeling the stickiness of the sheets. "Damn," he cursed, "They haven't stopped. I don't want them to, but I do...Gods, I miss Tom so *much*! I thought this kind of thing was meant to get easier as time went on." --- Far across the distance... And spaces between us... You have come to show you go on... --- Almost 70, 000 light years away, Tom Paris was avoiding sleep as best he could. "Come on, Harry, we just survived almost getting killed! You can't just go to sleep!" "Yes, I can Tom. I'm exhausted. I'll come to Sandrine's tomorrow. Aren't you sick of the place, anyway?" "I could never be sick of this place. One of the most beautiful nights in my life was spent here." "With James?" "Who else?" "Why haven't you created a hologram of him, then?" "Because, Harry, it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't have his feel, his scent, his warmth...would you want me to make you a hologram of Libby?" "No...I understand. Of course...it's not the same." "Not quite," Tom grinned. "I didn't mean it like *that*! After that time in the alternate universe, or what*ever* that was, I've said goodbye to Libby. I'm accepting that I'll very likely never see her again, and I want to go on with my life. But you haven't managed to let go of James yet, have you?" "No, and I may *never* be able to do that. I may be able one day to move on with my life, but I don't think I'll ever be able to let my feelings for James go." Harry was suprised. He had never thought Tom would say that. Not after the times when they'd talked about their lost loves when they were first flung out here. But maybe there was a chance...he could live with Tom still loving James if he had Tom with him. "Tom..." he began, then realised that Tom was still talking. "I think maybe I'll be able to move on with someone, but not yet. I think if anyone asked me right now to consider a relationship, I wouldn't be able to do it. Not yet." Harry was glad that he hadn't said more. Now was not the time, but maybe soon... --- Near, far, wherever you are... I believe that the heart does go on... Once more you open the door... And you're here in my heart... And my heart will go on and on... --- "We should have had more time together," James said to Guinan, over a synth whiskey. He hadn't been able to go back to sleep, so he'd gravitated to Ten Forward, and the wise counsel of Guinan. Deanna was too close to the situation, as her lover, Miranda, was Tom's sister, and she had also been close to Tom, so he preferred to talk to Guinan, as someone outside the family situation. "I don't think that there is anyone who's lost a lover through death who hasn't said the same thing," Guinan replied, "But don't you have good memories of the time you *did* have?" A soft, loving smile crossed James' face, and the room seemed to grow brighter, "Of course I do. Wonderful memories. But knowing that there could have been more..." "You mean if Voyager hadn't been lost?" "Not only that, but even the time we did have...there could have been more, but there were...outside forces that conspired against us." "Do you want to talk about these - outside forces?" "No, not now. I want to think about the good times, not the bad." "You know, it has been almost a year, James. You will have to accept this, and try to move on." "You didn't say that I'd have to let go of Tom..." "Because you may never do that. But you *can* move on, if that's what you want. Only if that's what you want, though. Don't try to do it just because you feel you *should*." "Thank you, Guinan." "That's what I'm here for." "Well," James yawned, "I think I can sleep now. Which is probably a good thing, I *do* want to be alert tomorrow." "It's not much good if the pilot isn't alert," Guinan smiled. "Thanks again," James said, as he left. "You won't find your destiny here, on the Enterprise, James," Guinan said, "But I know you'll face everything with grace and courage. And that is all that the Fates can ask." --- Love can touch us one time... And last for a lifetime... And never let go till we're one... --- "Gods, Harry have you ever known, I mean *known* the second you met someone what their importance was going to be in your life? I have. I knew the second I met James that he was the one I'd been looking for. The one I didn't *know* I was looking for until I found him." "Not like that. It's always taken me a while to realise. Especially with Libby...and others..." "You know, Harry, I somehow had the impression that you had more layers to you than you show on the surface." "Still waters?" "Yeah, you could say that. James was like that. Very quiet and reserved, except with those people he really cares for and is comfortable with." "He sounds like a very special person. I wish I could have known him." "If things had gone as they were supposed to, you'd have met him at the end of the three-week mission. We had planned to meet again on DS9 before my transfer back to Auckland. More than meet, we'd planned to be married." "You never told me this before, Tom." "I was trying to forget it. I didn't *want* to remember. Well...I did, but I didn't. Do you know what I mean?" "All too well. I felt the same about Libby." "There's the difference. You *felt* that way, but I still *feel* it. It's like an ache inside me that won't go away." "Time, Tom. That's all that will help. You'll find it easier... eventually." "I just thought it'd be easier by now, you know? I guess that I'll just have to keep trying." "That's all any of us can do Tom. Now, goodnight. I really *can't* go to Sandrine's." 'Not when I know that you'll be thinking of him. I'm not selfless enough to do that with you, Tom, not yet.' --- Love was when I loved you... One true time I hold to... In my life we'll always go on... --- "Computer," James said, when he got back to his cabin, "Play P-RHW musical selection." Tom's voice came out of the computer, so realistic that James almost had to remind himself that he *wasn't* there. This song had been special to them, it had been so close to their situation that Tom had joked that the singer and writers had been clairvoyant. "At least I have this, and the holorecordings of Tom. It's not enough, it could never be enough, but at least it's *something*," and James half-smiled, remembering Tom playing for him the first night they'd been together, knowing even then that it was something special, that this was what they'd been looking for. "I can always say that we found almost perfect happiness, and how many people get to say *that* in this life?" James mused. James still couldn't fully accept that Tom was dead. Lost, yes, but he felt that one day, when he least expected it, he'd see Tom again. Maybe after his own death, but he *would* see Tom again, he knew that like he knew his own name. --- Near, far, wherever you are... I believe that the heart does go on... Once more you open the door... And you're here in my heart... And my heart will go on and on... --- Tom sat at the piano, playing the song he and James had always considered "theirs", but not singing. He couldn't, not tonight. "I know somehow, some way, I'll see you again," Tom whispered, thinking of his lover's blue eyes, brown hair and beautiful face, and the heart and mind behind them, which he loved more than the beauty that was James. He called up the holopicture (not hologram) that he had of James, just for a moment, he needed to have some small connection to his lover. "Are you thinking of me now, James? Are you missing me like I miss you? Or have you managed to go on? I don't know which I *really* want for you...the selfish part of me wants you to still be mourning, but the part of me that wants the best for you wants you to be able to move on. At least it'll be *possible* for you, you probably think that I'm dead...maybe you have managed to move on, but I hope you'll never forget what we shared, James. I know I never will..." There is some love that will not go away... "If only we'd *questioned* how we kept just missing each other sooner! Maybe you would never have caused that accident, and the chain of events that happened to lead to your... disappearance would never have happened. We'd be married now...for almost a year. Maybe even talking about children. I know you were scared about that, that you'd turn into that *monster* you call a father, but you could never have done that. I love you, Tom, and that will go on forever, no matter what happens to me." --- You're here, there's nothing I fear... And I know that my heart will go on... We'll stay forever this way... You are safe in my heart... And my heart will go on and on... --- "If my father had never conspired to keep us apart like that, if I'd never heard that *expression* that T'Salda used when we were on Caldik Prime...hell, if my father had never been the bigoted, abusive bastard that he is, James and I would be together now. I always thought our love was stronger than anything. It *is*, but I have to let go...somehow. We would have been married, maybe even considering children. I think now that I could have a child. I'm not afraid of turning into my father any more. How *damned* ironic is that? It took being flung to the other side of the galaxy for me to be able to make that decision. Well, typical Tom Paris, anyway. Why do things in my life never happen when they're *supposed* to? One thing will never change, anyway. I love you, James, and that will go on forever, no matter what happens to me." Apart but connected, the lovers sail forth on their separate but entwined destinies. --- The End