The BLTS Archive- She Thinks His Name Was John by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. She Thinks His Name Was John, written by Sandy Knox and Jim Rosen, sung by Reba McEntire Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, CPSG, ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. I am only going to say this once. If you are not familiar with the song that is the basis of this story, please do not read if you are upset by character death. M/m and f/f relationships, but the R rating is due more to the subject matter than the sex. I was listening to this song, and the story just came to me. I borrow from a few different sources for information, but please don't take any of it as accurate. Some of it was made up or adapted to fit. Note to the CPSG list, this is *not* the medical area I recently asked for help with. I also do realise that the incubation period for this disease is much longer than the time I have made it in this story, please accept it as dramatic licence. The story assumes that the two-part episode Future's End took place on Halloween, and that B'Elanna Torres had a very different experience than she did in canon. Also, the P/T storyline in canon never happened in this universe. Blood Fever was C/P in this universe. I am starting to get seriously worried. I adore B'Elanna, and I cannot understand why my past three stories have been seriously bad for her. I'll just have to write something where she's happy soon. This story was also partially inspired by Siubhan's What Is Lost. And also by hearing that in today's world, there are people dying of diseases such as TB. Dedicated with prayers to those who suffer from this dreadful disease, and the people they leave behind. May we find the cure soon. --- She can account for all of the men in her past... Where they are now, who they married, how many kids they have... She knew their backgrounds, family and friends... A few she even talks to now and then... --- The room was quiet. Only the sounds of grief were to be heard. And the harsh breathing of the woman in the bed. It was like each breath was an effort, but one that she had to make. Chakotay was thinner than anyone had seen him, Tom beside him, supporting him, was almost gaunt, no one had eaten for days. But Kathryn, she looked the worst of all of them. Her hair was loosening from the tight chignon she had put it in several days ago. Just before they'd heard for sure that B'Elanna was dying. Harry and Seven were on duty, but as soon as the end was near, they were under a transporter lock. She had wanted them all there, at the end, and as it was the last thing Kathryn could give her, she would give up a chance to get home rather than deny B'Elanna. A racking cough came from the bed, and they turned to her. "Not...quite the end yet," she whispered, "I was...thinking. About Chakotay. Remember when we went to Risa?" "Yes," he smiled at her through the pain, "Back when we were together." "Not for long enough. Seska saw to that." "Please, don't talk about her now. You don't need for your last thoughts to be about her." "It's just...I'm remembering the good times. Or, Tom, remember our first date? On the holodeck?" "Yes, B'Ela," Tom moved to stand beside his husband, "I wanted to take you to Paris, but you didn't want to go there. You wanted...blue skies and green fields." "Yes. Like home. Like it never was, but should have been. Tom...that's where....I want..." "I understand, B'Ela. Of course." "Thank you," and she seemed peaceful then, as if she had settled what she needed settled, "Kathryn?" "I'm here, B'Elanna." "We should have had longer. We should have been together forever." "We had long enough. We had what we were granted." "But we could have been together longer, Kathryn." "I had to get over Mark, and then you had to get over Tom. It happened as it was meant to." "So many relationships. Men and women. And one that I can't even remember the name of...I think it was...John." --- But there is one she can't put her finger on... There is one who never leaves her thoughts... And she thinks his name was John... --- "Don't think about him right now," Kathryn said, not willing to give voice to the lie of a 'later'. "Kathryn, I never *stop* thinking about him. Wondering how he died, if he was alone too, or if he had people to care about him. Like I do." "I wish we could have found out..." "So do I. But maybe it's better not to know. I can believe that he did have someone." "I still can't believe I ever gave you the authority to mingle with humans in the twentieth century. Even on Halloween. If I hadn't, maybe you wouldn't have..." "Kathryn, I was totally despondent. No one could have stopped me doing something stupid. I didn't know how stupid at the time. Tom, stop looking like that. It wasn't your fault either. Just because that's when you and I decided not to be together, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have done something stupid anyway." "She's right, Tom," Kathryn said, looking at him, "And neither of us blames you." "I blame myself." "Tom, please don't. It's not your fault." "B'Elanna, you are dying because of me. How can I *not* blame myself?" "Tom, I was determined to be with *anyone* I could find that night, and not because of you. It was because I thought I had no chance of *ever* being with Kathryn. Tom, we both know that half the basis of our relationship was mild sexual attraction and the other half was because we never thought we had a chance with the people we really wanted." Both Chakotay and Kathryn were startled at this, and Tom noticed their expressions of shock. "Yeah," he said, softly, "We both thought you wanted each other, and we knew that we didn't stand a chance after you were on New Earth. And after that time with Harry in the prison, I knew I wanted *someone* to hold at night. B'Elanna felt the same way, and we knew how the other felt. Even so, I just *couldn't * continute with a relationship I knew was going nowhere after a few weeks. And then after Vorik's Pon Farr, when Chakotay and I were trapped, and we..." "Finally realised how you felt about each other," Kathryn smiled, "And we were free to pursue what we wanted. Finally." --- A chance meeting, a party a few years back... Broad shoulders and blue eyes, his hair was so black... He was a friend of a friend you could say... She let his smile just sweep her away... And in her heart she knew that it was wrong... But too much wine and she left his bed at dawn... And she thinks his name was John... --- B'Elanna could hear the others talking, but it was a dim sound. Her memories were so much clearer now. She remembered getting permission to explore Los Angeles in costume (although she'd secretly thought that her uniform would do, she wasn't about to say so and risk not being allowed to go. She had to get away from her life here on the ship for a few hours. Just a few hours of escape...that was all she wanted...) She had met some people, who invited her to a party, asking her if she was a 'space alien', which she had nodded to. The party had been crowded and noisy, and she hadn't caught any of the names. Every second person she met seemed to be holding a bottle of wine, or beer, and she didn't like the beer, but she did like the wine. Then a man had asked her to dance. He was tall, broad-shouldered, with thick dark hair that reminded her a little of Chakotay's, how he'd worn it when he had recruited her to the Maquis, and blue eyes that reminded her of Kathryn's. And Tom's. He'd kissed her, gently, then more firmly as she hadn't rejected him. He'd asked if she were 'protected' and she'd assumed he'd met against pregnancy, so she'd nodded. She thought she heard someone call him John, as he led her into a nearby bedroom. Then he'd undressed her tenderly, kissing her everywhere. She'd given him the same attention, and then he'd gently laid her on the bed and made love to her, technically perfectly, but she knew, even then, that it was wrong, that she needed to *care* about the person she was with. She'd preferred making love to Tom than she did this night with some stranger. And that had been *before* she'd known the consequences. --- Now each day is one day that's left in her life... She won't know love, have a marriage or sing any lullabies... She lays all alone and cries herself to sleep... 'Cause she let a stranger kill her hopes and her dreams... --- Soon after Tom and Chakotay had *finally* admitted their feelings, and were planning a wedding, because they'd wasted so much time already, Kathryn Janeway came into Sandrine's one evening. B'Elanna was surprised, as she'd thought that she would be alone after Tom and Chakotay had left, following a marathon session of wedding planning. She smiled to herself at the memory of Tom's expression when she'd wondered if he were going to wear a white gown, although she'd speculated on whether Tom *should* wear white, with a wicked smile. After more jokes and laughter, as well as some actual planning, they had left, after a kiss which had raised the room temperature by several degrees. B'Elanna was playing pool against the holographic representation of Fast Eddie Felson (she liked his blue eyes), and avoiding going back to her empty quarters. "Captain, it's nice to see you." "Thank you, B'Elanna. I thought Tom and Chakotay would be here?" "Um, they...ah...left," B'Elanna said, blushing. "Ah," Kathryn understood, "And you stayed?" "I just...don't want to go back to an empty room," B'Elanna said. "Do you...miss Tom?" Kathryn asked. "No, not really. We were never meant to be." "I often wondered why..." "Why what, Captain?" "Why you and Tom started things. I know he was in love with Chakotay all along, and I know, after our time on New Earth, that Chakotay was in love with Tom. That's one of the reasons we were never together." "One of the reasons?" "There was another. Involving me." "There...is someone you...care for on the ship, Captain?" "There is someone I care for in this room, B'Elanna." "Me?" It was a whisper. "Yes, B'Elanna. I've cared for you...loved you...for a long time. I think it might have started when we worked so well together on that problem with the warp particles." "That long?" "Yes, but I couldn't admit it then. I had to get over Mark." "Capta-" "Kathryn." "Kathryn...I..." and the words were lost in Kathryn's mouth as she kissed B'Elanna. "I think," Kathryn said, softly, as she broke the kiss, "That we've been spending too much time alone. And more talking, which we will do, can wait until after I make love with you." B'Elanna could do nothing more than nod in agreement, and they left the holodeck The lovemaking had been tender, and sweet, and everything B'Elanna had ever dreamed of or hoped for. Soon, B'Elanna and Kathryn were as accepted and loved a couple as Tom and Chakotay. When Seven Of Nine had come aboard, B'Elanna and Kathryn hadn't seen eye to eye about her, but she had fitted in surprisingly well with the crew, she had bonded with Tom Paris as a friend, and he and Chakotay had been co-conspirators in the setting up of Seven and Harry Kim, which had led to another marriage. B'Elanna had wondered if Kathryn would ever ask her to be her wife, or if she felt that she couldn't, because of their difference in rank, or her feeling that as Captain she just couldn't. B'Elanna had joyfully accepted the role of godmother to both Tom and Chakotay's first baby, and Harry and Seven's. She often babysat for little Victoria Paris and Stephen Kim, when her lover was working late, and the harried parents needed time to be alone, or when she wanted to satisfy her maternal urges, which were growing stronger. She wanted to broach the subject of children to Kathryn even more than she wanted to broach the subject of marriage. She stretched, and yawned, and noticed a cramp in her back. She winced as it became more pronounced. Then she realised her head was pounding. She could hear Victoria crying, and tried to move from the couch, but she couldn't. A few minutes later, the door opened, and Tom and Chakotay looked frantically around, wondering out loud what was happening. "B'Elanna?" It was Chakotay's voice. "Chakotay..." it was barely a whisper. "I'll take her to Sickbay," Tom said. "I'll check on Victoria, and meet you there. And I'll let Kathryn know." It didn't take long for B'Elanna and Tom to get to Sickbay, and Tom immediately activated The Doctor. The hologram frowned as he ran test after test on B'Elanna, not knowing what was causing her symptoms. "I know it's a simple cold, but her reactions...it's like she has no immune system," the hologram said in frustration. "But, there *are* no diseases that wipe out the immune system, are there?" Tom asked. "I vaguely recall reading about some in obsolete medical texts. I shall have to access my archives," The Doctor replied, making B'Elanna as comfortable as possible. A few minutes later, Kathryn and Chakotay entered Sickbay. The Doctor came out of his office looking grave. "Captain, I must conduct an examination of you as soon as possible. I have diagnosed Lieutenant Torres' condition, and I am afraid to report that in her case it is fatal." Everyone was speechless, except for The Doctor, who kept talking. "Lieutenant Torres has contracted a virus, which leads to a complete failure of the immune system. Although the incubation period was much longer when this disease was prevalent, during the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries, a Delta Quadrant virus, which has attached itself to the virus Lieutenant Torres was originally infected by, has accelerated the progress of the disease. Unfortunately, the method of transmission is sexual. So you understand, Captain, why I must examine you as soon as possible. I must ensure you have not been infected with both viruses. It is possible that you may not have been infected with either." Kathryn was in shock. That B'Elanna, her lover, would be fine one day, and dying the next, with no warning, no signs...but it was true. "If she were only infected with the original virus, HIV to give it it's acronym in common usage when it was prevalent, there would be no problem. A vaccine was discovered in the early twenty-first century, which killed the virus. I could replicate it easily. But with the second, unknown, virus, I cannot find a vaccine in time. I wish I could, but I simply do not know what the virus is, so I cannot fight it." Kathryn allowed herself, in a daze, to be examined and tested, and she was mercifully free from both viruses. "How could B'Elanna have become infected?" Chakotay asked, still trying to find answers. "Love, that's Kathryn's question to ask." "No, Tom, you and Chakotay are family. Don't even *think* of leaving," and Kathryn managed a shaky smile. "Did Lieutenant Torres have...sexual relations with anyone other than yourself or Lieutenant Paris in the last two years?" The Doctor asked Kathryn. "Yes. There was one person. While we were in the...twentieth century..." Kathryn trailed off in horrified realisation, and there was a scream of anguish from Tom Paris. Chakotay gathered him into his arms, and shushed his anguished cries. "It was *my* fault," Tom sobbed. "No, Tom, it wasn't," came B'Elanna's voice. "I don't regret doing what I did, but I regret that I won't ever get to marry Kathryn." "You know, the most ironic thing about all of this is that I was planning to propose on your birthday next month," Kathryn smiled, trying to remain cheerful for her lover. "And children?" "I wanted them. With you. So much." "I'm...sorry, Kathryn." "Don't be. We had so many beautiful times together. Let's hold onto that." "How am I going to tell Harry?" Tom asked. "In as straightforward a manner as you would expect from him," Chakotay replied, "And I'll be there to help," he added, kissing Tom gently. --- And all her friends say what a pity what a loss... And in the end when she was barely hangin' on... All she could say is she thinks his name was John... She thinks his name was John... -- No one took the news well, of course. B'Elanna was a valued member of Voyager's crew, and a friend to quite a few people. Harry and Seven were as devastated as the others had been, and Seven had cried openly in public for the first time. As the end drew near, Kathryn, Tom and Chakotay were waiting in sickbay, when they heard a whisper. "I think his name was John..." --- The End