The BLTS Archive- Close To Crazy by Joanne Collins by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer:  Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission.  May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive, and R'Rain's Slash Archive only.   Please do not link to the story without my permission. WARNING:  Main character death.   This story contains scenes of intense mourning.  If such things disturb you please do not read further.   The song lyrics in this story, Close To Crazy, are from Reba McEntire's CD, What If It's You? Dedicated to the person who inspired this story.  It would have been your thirty-fifth birthday this weekend.  I love you and I miss you, always. --- I still reach for you... In the middle of my dreams each night... But my arms come up empty every time... --- Computer, time? 0100 hours. And again I'm reaching for you.  As I do every night, when I dream about you holding me.  I wish I could tell my subconscious not to do this, but I don't think it's accepted the reality yet.  Hell, I don't think my conscious mind has accepted it totally yet. --- It's been almost a year. And I still reach for you every night. Because I don't want it to be true. --- I don't want you to have died in that shuttle crash, Chakotay. And lately I talk to your memory... More than I should... If I could just forget the past I would... Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good... What do I want? I want you to walk into this cabin and tell me that it was all a mistake. I want you to kiss me like you used to. I want you to lay me down on the bed and make love to me. And, sometimes, I want you to get out of my mind and let me get on with trying to live without you. Because I worry that if I keep on like this, I will go crazy. And I don't want that to happen, because if I think you're still alive, I won't remember everything about you. --- I'm so close to crazy... Right on the edge... Just one step away from going insane... But I'm not there yet... If I could just lose my mind... I wouldn't know we're through... But this close to crazy... Is far from over you... --- I've felt it, you know.  The slipping away of reality, the memories becoming stronger, and more real to me, than what was actually happening. And the thought of letting the memories become the reality, that's very seductive.  Sometimes it's almost *too* seductive, but I've managed to resist the lure.   At least so far. And as long as I can keep from taking that final step, I can hang onto my sanity. I just wish, sometimes, that I could go on without thinking of you every moment. I don't want to forget you, don't get me wrong, but I do want to be able to function without thinking of you every time I turn around.   Surely that's not too much to ask, is it? --- Today I caught myself... Reliving how it used to be... At a table for two... Just you and me... But talking to an empty chair... And laughing right out loud... Turned everybody's head and left no doubt... I'm a broken man close to breakin' down... --- Tonight, I did something I swore I never would.  I went to Sandrine's again.   I set up a table, and pretended to the holocharacters that I was waiting for you.  I couldn't pretend you were actually there, although I could have. But that was something that I wasn't ready for. But I sat there, talking as if you were there, even though the chair was empty, laughing as if you'd told me a joke. That was when I noticed the Doc. He thinks I'm close to a breakdown, but not close enough to require treatment yet. But he wants me to go to him instead of doing something like that again. At least he cares what happens to me... No, that's unfair. I'm the one who's pushed Harry, B'Elanna, Seven and Kathryn away when they've tried to help. And Neelix, even Tuvok.  But I *can't* open up to anyone as much as I would have to yet.   Not even Harry, much as I care about him. How can he know what I'm going through?  Miguel's still alive, he doesn't know what it's like to lose his reason for waking up in the morning. --- I'm so close to crazy... Right on the edge... Just one step away from going insane... But I'm not there yet... If I could just lose my mind... I wouldn't know we're through... But this close to crazy... Is far from over you... --- Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over you, or whether I'll still be mourning you like this for the rest of my life. Oh, I know I'll always regret what we weren't able to be to each other, and I'll always miss you, but will I always mourn you this way, with such hard, deep pain? I don't think so.  I mourned Odile like this, and I was able to go on with you, eventually.   Gods, how many times did I bend your ear about her when we first got out here, and I was at last able to face the memories of her? Although I can't contemplate being with anyone else yet, maybe someday.   I have no idea who, though. Who can I love and trust the way I loved you? Then again, I said that when I lost Odile. I'm not getting back to sleep anytime soon. I think I'll go to the Mess Hall. Omega shift should be leaving, and Jerron will be there alone. I've talked to him a lot on nights like this over the last few months. He has memories of you that I don't have, and he shares them with me. I help him to clean up after the dinner rush, and we talk. We talk about a lot of things aside from you, though.  I like talking to someone who doesn't treat me like a rare piece of crystal, someone who treats me the same as he always has. Maybe one day, when the shifts rotate again, I'll show him my hiking program. Remember?  That's the place we first realised that maybe we could be more than just co-workers and friends. I think I'd like to show it to Jerron. --- I still reach for you... In the middle of my dreams each night... --- But I still reach for you every night, so I know that moving on is not going to be easy. I must do it, though, Chakotay. Because I know it's what you would want. And that's the best reason I can think of for doing it. --- The End