The BLTS Archive- That Wasn't Me
by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com)

---

This is my first attempt at C/P.  I love P/K, but this song just fit
Chakotay so well, I had to do it.  I also wanted to try C/P anyway
<g>.

This is what happens to me at 2 am after watching Caretaker again.
Can't you just see the UST in Tom and Chakotay's first encounter on
Voyager <g>? And the rescue <sigh>.  That's right up there on my list
of scenes that can be interpreted interestingly, especially by us
slash fans <g>.

Characters copyrighted by Paramount, used without permission.  Story
copyrighted April 1997 by Joanne Collins.  Martina McBride's song That
Wasn't Me is also used without permission.

Comments and feedback welcome (and craved).  No flames about my taste
in music (even though it is country music) please.  Please post
comments or email to the above addy.

I give my permission for this story to be posted to ASC and to be
archived at the ASC archives.  It may also be posted to BLTS.  It is
also to be posted at R'Rain's archive.  Please don't distribute
elsewhere except for personal archiving.  Do feel free to share the
story with friends, just keep my name and the headers on it.

This was inspired by my thoughts about Chakotay, and what that bitch
Seska (I hate her!!) did to him.  This song seems to say it all.  It's
off Martina McBride's album The Way That I Am, and it is also an
answer to S's challenge not to be so gender-specific in choosing songs
for my stories.  It is also an answer to the question about Tom taking
the initiative in slash stories.

Set after Basics 2.

Spoilers for Basics 2, Persistence Of Vision, Threshold, Meld,
Investigations, Lifesigns and Caretaker.

Angst?  Yes.  Mush?  Eventually.  Other characters?  Yes.

Dedicated to Siubhan for The Left Hand series and to Myrna for Perfect
Timing and Finding Reality, some of my favourite C/P stories.

---
You can't love if you can't trust,
Her memory's hurt you long enough,
Let your heart see,
That wasn't me.

Martina McBride, That Wasn't Me
---

"Oh, what a mess that was," sighed Tom Paris.  Voyager was safely back
in the hands of the crew, thanks in no small part to Tom, and he had
finally managed to get his quarters straightened out after the mess
the Kazon had left.  Tom couldn't help wondering if Seska had arranged
for his quarters to be gone over more thoroughly, only Chakotay's had
been more damaged than Tom's.

"I'm not sure whether Chakotay is disappointed or not that Seska's
baby wasn't his," thought Tom, "I wonder how things would have been
different if he were?  Would the Captain have let Seska back onto the
ship, even if she hadn't taken it?  I guess I'll never know.  I wonder
if she and Chakotay will finally come together over this?  I know
something must have happened between them on New Earth, hell, if I
were stuck on a planet alone with either of them for that long..."

Tom shook his head, that was a dangerous direction for his thoughts to
take, he'd acknowledged long ago that he had no chance with Captain
Janeway, she just couldn't think of him in that way, and he liked
their relationship as it was, anyway, she was more than a captain, he
thought of her as an elder sister, a good friend.

Chakotay...that was completely different.  The reasons Tom thought he
had no chance with him were varied and complicated.  He didn't think
rank came into it, although he acknowledged that he would have
difficulty in approaching the First Officer romantically.  He didn't
think Chakotay hated him any more, they had been through too much,
shared too many experiences for that to be true, in fact, Chakotay
seemed to spend a lot more time at Sandrine's, playing pool with Tom
at least a couple of times a week, and they seemed to talk a lot more
easily now.

"Probably because I'm a saint compared to Seska," thought Tom,
mockingly.  But Tom had seen the way Chakotay looked at the Captain in
unguarded moments, and he would never try to interfere with that, he
cared too much for both Chakotay and the Captain to jeopardise their
happiness with each other just because he found Chakotay attractive.
At least, that's what he told himself he felt, as he pulled on a pair
of boxer shorts to sleep in and turned in for the night.

---

The next morning, Tom reluctantly headed for the Mess Hall for
breakfast. He wasn't comfortable with his odd feelings about Chakotay,
even though he'd been feeling this way almost since he'd met Chakotay
back in the Alpha Quadrant, and he didn't want to see the Commander
before he had sorted them out.  He stepped onto the turbolift, and
almost fell down in shock.  Harry and B'Elanna were locked in a
passionate kiss right in front of him.  He'd always suspected that
they were attracted to each other, but as far as he knew, they hadn't
realised it themselves yet.  He cleared his throat, as ostentatiously
as he could manage.

Harry and B'Elanna broke apart.

"Don't say a word, Paris," B'Elanna glowered at him, while Harry
blushed.

"Not even congratulations?"

She softened, realising that he wasn't going to tease them, "I suppose
that's okay."

"I'm really happy for you guys.  I always thought you had something
between you.  So can I ask how it happened?"

"Thanks, Tom.  I'm glad you feel that way.  Last night, B'Elanna and I
were talking, in my quarters, and well...we talked about how much we
care for each other, the three of us, and I said that I liked you, but
I loved her, and she said the same, and..."

'And you found each other, and I'm alone' thought Tom, though all he
said was, "That's great, Harry."

Oh, he wasn't interested in Harry that way, he was his best friend,
and B'Elanna, they'd never be able to make a relationship work, they
were too alike, but it still hurt, their friendship would change no
matter what they did, it wouldn't be Tom, Harry and B'Elanna any more,
it would be Harry and B'Elanna, and Tom, separate and alone.

Before Tom had time to do more than form that depressing thought, the
lift stopped, and they were at the Mess Hall.  It was more crowded
than usual, obviously the crew needed to be together after their
ordeal, and were braving Neelix's food.  Tom caught sight of Samantha
Wildman, and joined her to ask her if the baby was all right after the
illness little Washington had suffered on the planet the Kazon had
stranded them on.

"She's fine, Tom.  Thanks for asking."

"Hey, I've told you before, I think of her as part of my family.  Just
think of me as the brother you never had."

"I'm probably the only woman on this ship, other than the Captain, who
you'd say that to."

"Sammy, if I thought I had half a chance with you, I'd be at your door
before you could say Washington's K'tarian name."

Wildman laughed, Tom had said that too many times for her to think of
taking him seriously, and she decided to tease him a little.  "What
would Commander Chakotay say?"

Tom looked so thunderstruck at her teasing remark that Wildman thought
he was going to faint.

"Tom, I'm sorry..."

"Is it...am I that obvious?"

"Obvious about what?  I meant that the Commander would be all over us
about the fraternisation policy.  Tom...this isn't about that.  Are
you and Chakotay-?"

"No, Sam.  He's in love with the Captain."

"I don't think he is.  I think if he had been, something would have
happened between them before now."

"Not necessarily.  All the stuff Seska put them through, him
especially. Gods, I never thought I'd say this about another living
being, but I think it might be better that she died, that she isn't
out there in this quadrant somewhere with the baby, telling Chakotay
that it's his.  He'll probably never trust anyone except possibly the
Captain like that again."

Samantha looked at Tom.  She'd never seen him so nakedly emotional,
never seen him so sincere about anything.  She almost couldn't believe
that this was her friend Tom, the cocky flyboy she did think of as a
brother.  He didn't know it himself, but he was in love with Chakotay,
she was sure of it.  She resolved to do her best to help in any way
she could.  Perhaps she could arrange for both Tom and Chakotay to
baby-sit one night....

Tom got through breakfast without further incident.  He and Samantha
teased Harry and B'Elanna a little when they joined them, and Tom was
aware the moment Chakotay and Captain Janeway entered the Mess
Hall...together.  This wasn't unusual, but today it hurt.  Tom stood
up from the table and made an excuse to leave, unaware of the puzzled
expressions on the faces of his friends.

"That was sudden," commented Harry.

"Yes, it was," Samantha replied, putting a slight emphasis on 'was'.

"Sam, do you know something we don't?"  B'Elanna asked.

"I don't think Tom knows it.  I think he's in love."

"Again?  Tom falls in love every week.  I should know, he tells me
about all of them."

"No, Harry.  This is for real.  I think Tom's in love with Commander
Chakotay."

Both Harry and B'Elanna looked stunned.

"Sam, are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be.  I could be reading Tom wrong."

"Chakotay probably isn't ready to even consider anything like this.
And I thought he was in love with the Captain," said Harry.

"I honestly think if there had been anything there, it would have
happened when they were on that planet alone.  I think the fact that
it didn't says something significant about them. I've known Chakotay a
long time, and I don't think he's in love with the Captain," was
B'Elanna's contribution.

Completely unaware of the topic of conversation at the table across
the room, Kathryn Janeway was discussing the damage inflicted on the
ship by Seska and the Kazon with Chakotay.

"Nothing too major, they obviously wanted to keep the ship intact.  A
lot of cosmetic damage that we shouldn't have any trouble repairing
and of course the senior officers' quarters were totally trashed."
Chakotay finished his report to the Captain of the major damages to
the ship.

"Well, now we can rebuild and go on with our journey.  All these
delays, we're stranded for three months on a planet, then this.  I
swear sometimes I think we aren't meant to get home."

"Kathryn, don't say that!"  Chakotay used the first name to make sure
he got her attention.

"I'm sorry, it's just that sometimes..."

"Sometimes the task gets too hard to bear, and you wonder if it's all
worth it?  I don't think there's anyone who doesn't feel that way
sometimes, that it would be easier to just give up.  But the ability
to go on is what makes us better than that feeling of defeat."

"You really are good for me, Chakotay.  I sometimes wonder why I
didn't take you up on your...invitation on the planet."

"I think we both know why you didn't Kathryn.  The time and place were
right, so 'we' must have been wrong.  I will always treasure that time
with you, and I will always consider you my dearest friend."

"As I will you, Chakotay.  Have you told Tom yet?"

"Told Tom what?"

"Come on, Chakotay, this is me, Kathryn.  Have you told Tom how you
feel about him?"

"How do you know this?  I thought I was being so discreet."

"You were.  It was just a...feeling I got when Tom was reportedly shot
down by the Kazon.  You should talk to him soon, Chakotay."

"I want to, it's just so difficult to trust someone again."

"If you let Seska stop you from loving Tom, then she's won."

"I hadn't thought of it like that.  You're right, Kathryn.  I'll talk
to Tom when I get a chance."

"Good.  Now, we have ten minutes before we have to go on duty.  I
suggest we
try to finish this - whatever it is - that Neelix has served us with."

The two senior officers of Voyager finished their breakfast and exited
the Mess Hall.

---

Eight hours later, the shift ended.  Captain Janeway was working in
her ready room when Tom's relief pilot came to the bridge.

Chakotay said, "Mr Tuvok, you have the bridge," and called to Tom to
hold the lift.

The two men stood awkwardly for a few minutes, then Chakotay cleared
his throat.

"Lieutenant - Tom, I'd like to talk to you for a moment."

"What about?"

"Not here.  Somewhere private."

"We could halt the lift."

"All right.  Halt turbolift."  The lift stopped.

"Tom, I - gods this is difficult."

"Comm - Chakotay, are you going to ask my advice about pursuing a
relationship with Captain Janeway?"

Chakotay looked at Tom, stunned, then he began to laugh.

"No, Tom, I'm not going to ask your advice about pursuing a
relationship with the Captain.  I want to ask your advice about
pursuing a relationship with someone else."

'I was so worried that Chakotay and Captain Janeway would end up
together, I never even considered that he might be interested in
someone else,' thought Tom.  Aloud he asked, "What is the problem with
this person, I presume there is one?"

"Well, you know all about Seska, Tom.  Hell, the entire ship knows
about Seska.  I don't know if I can open myself up to loving someone
again after what she's done."

"It can be difficult to start trusting people again.  I know that,
especially after all the screwing up I've done in my life, I never
thought I'd be able to make anything of it, but now, here on Voyager,
with Captain Janeway, friends like Harry, B'Elanna and Kes, colleagues
like...you, I have."

"Yes, Tom, you have.  Maybe it's not as impossible as I thought.  Tom,
the...person I want to have a relationship with is you."  And Chakotay
closed the distance between them, and pulled Tom into a kiss.  It was
sweet, and gentle, and Tom responded eagerly, pushing his tongue
forward to meet Chakotay's.

Chakotay disengaged himself gently from Tom's embrace.

"Tom, I need to think about this for a little longer.  Can we meet,
after dinner?"

"Sure,"  Tom said, not hurt, just a little disappointed, "Chakotay,
there are a few things you should know about me before you start
this."

"Tom, it's not anything that you've had happen to you that's the
problem, it's me."

"This is something that happened in prison.  I was..."

Chakotay realised what Tom was trying to say.  "Oh, Tom, I'm sorry, I
didn't know."

"No one does, except for the guy who...and the prison doc of course.
I'd never done that before, I'd never really wanted to...until I met
you, and I never got the chance to ask you while we were serving in
the Maquis.  I thought I'd totally lost it when I first realised, you
know?  And then, when we were flung out here, and you were down in
that cavern and nearly died, I knew I had to go back for you.  I
couldn't leave you there to die, not hating me.  I...I hope that gives
you something to think about tonight."

"It certainly does.  Where do you want to meet?"

"How about Sandrine's?  If we make it late enough, it should be
private."

"2300 hours?"

"See you then, Chakotay.  Start turbolift."  And the two men finished
the journey in comfortable silence, thinking very similar thoughts.

---

Tom passed several hours in his cabin, reading for a while,
replicating some tomato soup when he got hungry, going over some
reports he hadn't read, but most of the time he was thinking about
Chakotay.

'I can't believe he's actually interested in me,' thought Tom, 'what
if I fuck this up like everything else?'

Tom realised that he wasn't going to be able to concentrate on
anything
else, so he let his thoughts focus on Chakotay.  He remembered the
first time he'd dreamed about Chakotay, waking up with his hand on his
erection, imagining that it was Chakotay's hand as he screamed and
came.  He'd been thinking of how to approach Chakotay when he'd
realised Seska was already sharing his bed, and he'd been caught
before they had broken up.  Then there was the time in prison, and the
rape.  Tom didn't like to think about that, but he didn't try to
suppress it because that wasn't the way to get over the situation
either.

Then he'd met up with Chakotay again, the first thing he'd said was
"What was your price this time?" not knowing that Tom would have come
after him anyway.  He would never have been able to leave Chakotay to
die in the Ocampan underground, he'd have died himself first.

Then there had been the slow process of trusting again, first Captain
Janeway and Harry, then B'Elanna, then Chakotay.  Then, just when Tom
had been getting up the courage to talk to Chakotay once again, Seska
had been revealed as a traitor and a spy, and Tom couldn't bring
himself to approach Chakotay and bring up more bad memories.  They'd
started to talk again, after Chakotay had started to accept the
situation, Tom still remembered Chakotay's smile at him at Kes's
second birthday party.  Soon after that, Chakotay had gone off to find
Seska alone, and Tom had almost broken down on the bridge when his
message that he was probably dead had played in front of his eyes.

Although Chakotay had come back, that was the first time Tom had
noticed how Captain Janeway and Chakotay had looked at each other,
when Seska had gleefully informed Chakotay of her pregnancy, Tom had
turned to offer his support to Chakotay, noticing then how Kathryn
Janeway had looked at him with concern that could easily turn into
love, so Tom had stayed silent once again.  After that, Tom had
resigned himself to thinking of Chakotay from afar, not thinking he
had a chance with him.  Then came a time Tom really didn't like to
think about, the Warp Ten experiment had started it all.

There had been a spy on Voyager who was supplying information to
Seska, and Captain Janeway and Tuvok had asked him to go undercover to
catch him.  He groaned aloud as he thought of what he'd done, the
gambling operation, which had, he admitted to himself, been kind of
fun, the arriving late for duty, the time (he shuddered) that he'd hit
Chakotay.

Then there'd been the birth of Washington Wildman, and all that had
happened that day.  Of course, the next thing that had happened had
been Chakotay and Captain Janeway being forced to stay on a planet
alone for three months.  Tom had gotten so drunk that day that he'd
blacked out for twelve hours.  When they'd gotten them back, Seska and
the Kazon  had taken the ship, Tom had taken a shuttle and had almost
been shot out of the sky.  Tom hadn't known that the Kazon had planned
to leave the crew on a primitive planet.  Tom had been pleased that he
had been able to get Voyager back for them, and now he might have a
chance with Chakotay.  He knew that he was in love with Chakotay, he
just hadn't recognised it before.  He just hoped Chakotay would be
able to trust him with his love.

Tom looked at his chronometer, it was 2200 hours.  He decided to go to
Sandrine's early, he would play pool if anyone were there, and the
piano if no one was, and wait for Chakotay.

Harry and B'Elanna were there, but neither felt like playing pool, so
Tom sat and  talked with them for a while.  He couldn't keep it from
them, so he told them that Chakotay was meeting him there, and why.

"Tom, that's wonderful.  I hope you and Chakotay will be as happy as
B'Elanna and I are."

"You'll be good for him, Tom.  Maybe you can help him get over this
crap with Seska."

"I want to.  I want to help him with everything.  I want to give him
back rubs after a hard day, I want to be there when he finishes his
shift and needs to be held,  I want to be there when he needs to talk
about his problems....Shit, I am definitely in love, aren't I?"

"Sounds like it.  Tom, I had no idea you were attracted to men."

"Harry, I've only ever been attracted to one man.  It's not that he's
a man, it's that he's Chakotay."

"I know what you mean, Tom.  There was a time I was attracted to
Chakotay myself."

Both men looked surprised at that.

"Oh, yes," B'Elanna continued, "Do you remember that encounter with
the Bothan?"

Both men nodded, Harry had seen Libby and Tom had seen his father.

"I saw Chakotay.  He...came on to me, and we..."

Tom teased, "At least your fantasy was more interesting than mine."

Harry laughed at that too.

B'Elanna yawned, and said, "Sorry, guys, I'm exhausted.  We ran a
level three diagnostic in engineering today, just to make sure that
everything still worked."

"Ready to turn in?"  Harry asked with a concerned glance at his lover.

"Yes, I am.  Sorry, Tom."

"Oh, I don't think Tom will mind waiting here for half an hour by
himself," and Harry winked at Tom.

"I'll be just fine, B'Ela, Chakotay will be here soon."

"Well, good night, Tom."

"Good night, guys.  See you tomorrow at breakfast."

Harry and B'Elanna walked out of Sandrine's holding each other close.

Tom finished his glass of synthale, and politely declined the
holographic waiter's request to get him another.  He was too nervous
to drink any more before Chakotay got here.

"Hello, Thomas."

"Hello, Sandrine."

"Your friends have found each other, yes?"

"Yes.  I'm happy for them."

"And who would make you happy, Thomas?  The lady captain?  No, you
have told me about that.  The so handsome Commander who would look so
wonderful next to you?"

Tom wondered again how he'd managed to program Sandrine so well that
she seemed to know things before he did.  Perhaps she and The Doctor
were trading secrets in the computer memory.
He smiled at the thought.

"I'm meeting Chakotay here, in half an hour."

"So what will you do until he arrives?"

"Maybe I'll practice my best lines on you, Sandrine."

"That would be nice, but I'd rather hear you play.  No one else is
here, after all."

"I'd like that, Sandrine.  Computer, delete pool table, and run
program subroutine Paris-L."

The pool table disappeared, and was replaced by a piano.  Tom sat down
at it and began to play.  He played a Mozart piece he loved, then he
began to play music he could sing to.  He began by playing For The
Good Times, then he played Elton John's Sacrifice and Candle In The
Wind, Tom had had a crush on Marilyn Monroe when he was growing up,
she was still as popular as she had been in the twentieth century.
He'd always thought of her and Kes as being similar in some ways.

After that song, Tom started thinking about Chakotay again.  He knew
what he wanted to say to him, but didn't know how to put it into
words.  "Maybe I should sing for him.  I know a song that says
everything I want to say." Tom was so deep in thought, he hadn't
noticed Chakotay standing at the door.

Chakotay looked at Tom, and thought, 'My gods, he's so beautiful.'
Tom had changed clothes after his shift, and wore a blue shirt the
colour of his eyes, and black jeans.  Chakotay had also changed, to
olive green pants and a white shirt.  Chakotay was about to make his
presence known when Tom made the remark about knowing a song that said
everything he wanted to say, so Chakotay withdrew slightly from the
light, waiting to hear what Tom had to say to him.

Tom began to play.

I know she must have cut you deep,
She's gone but you won't let her leave,
I know your heart has not healed yet,
But sometimes I think that you forget.

That wasn't me,
That wasn't me,
I'm not the one who made love bring you to your knees,
You can't love if you can't trust,
Her memory's hurt you long enough,
Let your heart see,
That wasn't me.

I can no longer pay the price,
For damage done by her careless lies,
We can't move on till you let go,
I always thought by now you'd know.

That wasn't me,
That wasn't me,
I'm not the one who made love bring you to your knees,
You can't love if you can't trust,
Her memory's hurt you long enough,
Let your heart see,
That wasn't me.

You can't love if you can't trust,
Her memory's hurt you long enough,
Let your heart see,
That wasn't me.

"I know it wasn't you, Tom."

"Chakotay!  I had no idea you were here."

"Tom, you play beautifully.  Why haven't you told people about this?"

"Because it's something I do for my own pleasure.  I don't want the
world judging me for this, it's something I can keep for myself."

"But surely Harry..." Chakotay gestured helplessly, thinking of
Harry's love for music.

"Harry went to Juilliard, Chakotay.  I had the usual childhood
lessons. and learnt the rest by ear.  He'd probably laugh in my face
if I tried to play with him."

Chakotay knew that Harry would do nothing of the sort, but decided to
let it go, he and Tom had other things to talk about.

"Tom, is that song what you wanted to say to me?"

"Yes, it is.  I love you, Chakotay, and I want to have a relationship
with you, but if you can't bring yourself to trust me and my feelings,
then we have a huge problem."

"Tom, I do trust you and your feelings.  Can you trust me?""I already
do, Chakotay.  I want to know what you're like when you have a bad
day, and need someone to hold you.  I want to take care of you when
you're sick, and I want to make love with you."

"Gods, Tom, I want that too, so much."

"Think we can make it?"

"I know we can.  I know this because I love you, Tom."

Tom blushed.

"What is it?"  Chakotay asked, liking the colour.

"I was just thinking, Chakotay, you know that I've never..."

"Tom, do you want to wait?"

"No.  I just....I don't know how to do this with a man.  Will you...be
patient with me, and teach me?"

"Tom, yes, I will.  I want this to be as special for you as my first
time with a man was for me."

"Have you...been with a lot of men?"

"A few.  I have mostly been with women, though."

"Anyone I'd know?"

Now it was Chakotay's turn to blush. 'Oh, this must be good,' thought
Tom in amusement.

"Benjamin Sisko."

"Commander Sisko of DS9?"

"Yes."

"Oh, this story I have GOT to hear."

"Tom!"

"Come on, I want to know."

"We were posted together on the Agamemnon, about a year after Wolf
359.  We were lovers for the time we were on the ship together, but he
was posted to DS9 about a year after we started seeing each other.  We
kept the relationship going for a while, but then the Maquis started
getting really active around DS9, and I was going through the
situation that caused me to leave Starfleet, so we just kind of
drifted apart."

Tom got up from the piano, and moved over to the table where Chakotay
was sitting.  He sat down, and took one of Chakotay's hands in his.

"I'm telling you this, Chakotay, we will never 'just kind of drift
apart'. I know I am known as a love 'em and leave 'em type of guy, but
that is not how I am when I'm serious.  I give the person I am serious
about my heart and soul, and I expect the same in return," and Tom
gently brought Chakotay's hand to his lips and kissed the palm.

"Oh, Tom," was all Chakotay could say.

"Can I expect the same in return?"  Tom looked teasing, but his eyes
were serious.

"I think so, yes, Tom."

"So, Chakotay, your quarters or mine?"

"Which ones are less trashed?"

"Mine are pretty bad."

"So are mine."

"I have an idea.  Computer, are there any holodeck reservations
between now and 800 hours?""No reservations for this holodeck between
now and 800 hours," came the artificial feminine voice.

"Reserve the holodeck in the name of Thomas Paris until 800 hours and
run program Paris Gamma fifteen.  Initiate privacy lock."

The bar disappeared, to be replaced by a beautifully furnished room.
There was a fire crackling in the fireplace, a comfortable couch and
chairs and a huge bed.

"Tom, where is this?"

"It's rather nice, isn't it?  It's a hotel room from twentieth-century
Earth.  It was called a 'penthouse suite'."

"Tom, it's gorgeous."

"You're gorgeous."

Chakotay blushed.

"You are beautiful, Chakotay.  So beautiful.  Please, would you kiss
me again?  I've been thinking about this all night."

Chakotay drew Tom close to him, and bent his head to touch Tom's lips
lightly with his.  Tom wasn't about to let the kiss stay gentle, and
brought his hand up to the back of Chakotay's head to pull him closer,
deepening the kiss.

Chakotay pulled back, gently, smiling at Tom.  "Wow."

"You liked that?"  Tom looked pleased.

"You know I did.  So, how many women have you shown this program to?
Any on the ship?"

"Actually, none.  I wanted to save this program for when I was with
someone special."  The look of love in Tom's eyes was almost
overwhelming.

Chakotay didn't respond in words, he just pulled Tom into another
kiss, this one deeper and more passionate.  While Tom was moaning into
his mouth, Chakotay brought his hands down to start unbuttoning Tom's
shirt.  When he had it unbuttoned, he slipped his hands inside the
fabric, caressing Tom's increasingly heated skin.  Tom jumped when he
brushed across a nipple, so Chakotay kept his hand there, teasing it
with his fingers, then he broke the kiss, and moved his mouth down to
take it into his mouth.  Tom moved to caress Chakotay's hair, and
found his hands stopped, gently.

"Tom, I want to do this for you first.  I want to show you how
wonderful being with someone you truly love can be."

Tom couldn't reply, he just looked at Chakotay with so much love that
the Commander moaned and returned to his nipples.  While he was
licking and sucking at Tom's nipples, he moved one hand down to
unbutton Tom's jeans. He brushed against Tom's burgeoning erection,
causing Tom to gasp and moan deep in his throat.  He smiled against
Tom's chest, then continued in his task, thanking his gods that Tom
had slipped on a pair of loafers rather than Starfleet boots, as he
removed the shoes and socks, then Tom's jeans and boxers.  He withdrew
from Tom, causing a moan of protest, and quickly slipped out of his
clothes.  He looked at Tom for a moment, before returning to him, and
gasped at his beauty, the blonde hair ruffled and showing curls, the
blue eyes blazing with passion, the mouth, slightly bruised from his
kisses, the blush on his skin, showing red to his nipples, the light
dusting of reddish-gold hair on his chest, and the patch further down,
framing Tom's erection.  Damn, Tom was even more beautiful than
Chakotay had ever realised, or was this just the way he looked when he
was with someone he loved?  Chakotay didn't have the chance to do more
than form that thought before Tom reached for him again, pulling him
onto the couch, and kissing
him again.

"Damn, you're beautiful, Tom."

"I think that's my-oh, yes-line." Chakotay had fastened a hand around
Tom's erection, and Tom was thrusting into his hand.  Chakotay gently
positioned Tom on the edge of the couch, with his feet on the floor,
and moved down to kneel between Tom's legs.  Tom realised what
Chakotay was going to do, and spread his legs as wide as he could
without getting uncomfortable.  Chakotay placed a pillow under his
knees, and bent his head to take Tom into his mouth.

"OH GODS!" Tom screamed at the first touch of Chakotay's tongue on his
heated erection.  Chakotay moved up and down the heated length with
lips and teeth and tongue, knowing that Tom was feeling sensations
he'd never felt before.  Chakotay moved a hand up to caress Tom's
scrotum, rolling it gently between his fingers.  He moved his hand,
causing Tom to moan in frustration, then in surprise as he caressed
Tom's puckered opening, sliding a finger inside gently.  He found
Tom's prostate, and as he began caressing it, Tom came in long. long
spurts inside Chakotay's mouth.

"Ohhh, gods, that was incredible, Chakotay," Tom said when he was
capable of
speaking again.

Chakotay smiled and simply said, "Thank you," moving up to hold Tom.

"Chakotay, maybe we should move to the bed."

"That's not a bad idea," Chakotay agreed, stretching.

"Chakotay," Tom began as they stood up, "I want you to make love to
me."

"Are you sure, Tom?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life.  I'm not going to
let that....incident stop me from loving you the way I want to."

Chakotay kissed Tom again, sealing the promise.  Then Tom moved over
to lie on the bed, while Chakotay moved to the replicator, requesting
a tube of lubricant.

As he turned around, Chakotay was struck by the sight of Tom lying on
white sheets, flushed and beautiful.  He moved over, and lay beside
Tom, kissing him again, coating his fingers with the lubricant, and
moving his hand down to prepare Tom.  He slid the first finger in,
slick with the lubricant, and continued kissing Tom.  He smiled as he
realised Tom was becoming hard again, adding a second finger, then a
third.  After sliding his fingers out of Tom to a moan of frustration,
he coated his erection with more lubricant, then he gently moved Tom
onto his back.  "Chakotay?"  Tom asked, dazedly, "How does it work
this way?"

"Don't worry, Tom, it will," and Chakotay gently pushed Tom's legs
apart, positioning himself at Tom's loosened opening, then sinking
into him more quickly than he had meant to.  He stopped for a moment
at Tom's moan, but Tom whispered, "Don't stop, please," and Chakotay
realised it had been a moan of pleasure.  Chakotay began a gentle
thrusting, moving one hand to wrap it around Tom's erection, loving
Tom's moans of arousal and need.

Tom gasped, never even thinking of the bad times, just feeling
Chakotay inside him, Chakotay's hand on him and loving the sensations
Chakotay was causing.  This was so beautiful, this connection, this
love.  Then Tom came, in long spurts that landed on his chest, and his
muscles milked Chakotay's orgasm out of him, deep inside Tom.  As Tom
came, he shouted Chakotay's name, and "I love you," and Chakotay
responded in kind as he orgasmed, then blacked out.

"Chakotay?" Tom almost screamed.

"Yes, Tom?"

"Are you all right?"

"Except for a ringing in my ears that your scream caused, I'm fine."

"Oh.  Sorry."

"It's okay, Tom, it happens sometimes.  Actually, you should take it
as a compliment, it only happens when the pleasure of the orgasm is
really intense."

Tom grinned, "So it was good for you?"

"Yes, and you know it, fly boy."

"Fly boy?  Who told you about that?"

"Harry."

"He would.  Remind me to tease him about B'Elanna in the morning."

"Just don't do it where she hears you.  I like you in one piece."

"So do I."  Tom yawned, and snuggled into Chakotay's arms.

"Tom, uh, not that this isn't wonderful, but I think we need a shower.
Now, how do we get to your quarters, they're closer?"

"No need, Big Man.  There's a bathroom programmed."

"Do you think of everything?"

"Nah.  I just like to do it in the shower."  Tom looked at Chakotay
speculatively.

"Not tonight, Tom.  I'm getting old."

"No you're not.  Another night?"

"You've got a date."

"Want to go first?"

"How about together?"

"Sounds good to me.  And we'll save water."

Chakotay laughed and pulled Tom up with him, and both men headed for
the bathroom.

Half an hour later the two men were back in the bed, kissing and
caressing gently, not in a sexual way, just to be close to each other.

"Tom, was it really all right for you?"

"Do you really need to ask?  It was incredible, Chakotay.  It's like
that other time never happened."

"I'm glad Tom.  I love you."

"And I love you, Chakotay."

"Tom?""Yeah?"

"You have my heart and soul."

Tom didn't say anything for a moment, he just nestled closer to
Chakotay, and then said, "Chakotay, my life is yours."

Chakotay held him closer and the two men drifted off to sleep in each
other's arms, knowing that everything that had gone before had led
them to this moment in time.

---

The End