The BLTS Archive- Reactions: Long, Long Time by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive, and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Please do not link to the story without my permission. Well, it seems that I'm not finished in this universe yet. Kathryn's decided that she wants her say, and you can never say no to the Captain. I've decided to call this the Reactions series, as the stories have all come out of the events of Hunters. Spoilers for parts of the first three seasons of Voyager, particularly Resolutions, Coda and anything to do with Mark. The identity of Mark's wife is purely my own invention, and I will be writing that story one day. It has been in my mnd for a very long time that things may have occurred this way. The credit/blame for the genesis of this story can be laid entirely at Cathy's feet, thanks to the very interesting take on J/C that she recently posted to CPSG. Therefore, this story is dedicated to her. Title and song lyrics from Long, Long Time, on Mindy McCready's CD, If I Don't Stay The Night. The song was originally recorded by Linda Ronstadt. --- Love will abide, take things in stride... Sounds like good advice, but there's no one at my side... --- To lose them both, so close together. I never thought it would happen like that. I think I always knew that Chakotay and I would never really work together. How could we? I was sent out to capture the man. But I didn't have all those thoughts when I should have, did I? I let myself think that just maybe I could let my guard down a little, find someone on the ship, to have someone beside me when it was what I needed. Was it always going to happen for Chakotay and Tom? I don't know. There was always something between them, but I thought it was, well, dislike, quite frankly. And Mark! Dear gods was *that* a shock! The last person in the *universe* I'd have ever expected him to meet and end up with. Harry Kim's Libby. Harry didn't seem sad, I think we all expected those we left behind to move on, but together? Never occurred to me. Libby is so young...and pregnant already, less than a month after the wedding. Mark will make a wonderful father. He always wanted children, and I wasn't sure I did. He used to say that I adopted my crew as children. I would love to have seen his face when he learned about Seven! Seven...a child in so many ways, but, as I learned, so much a woman as well. So much a woman... More than I could have ever realised. --- And, time washes clean, love's wounds unseen... That's what someone told me, but I don't know what it means... -- They say that time heals, and I know it's true for me. If I'm completely honest, I let Mark go a long time ago. Not before New Earth, though. Not before I almost let myself love Chakotay the way he wanted me to. It wasn't right then, although I think if we had still been there it would have been inevitable. The way a lot of people thought that it was inevitable that we would form a formal alliance on the ship, I suppose. When did I let Mark go? I think it might have been after I saw my father. No, not my father, the alien who pretended to be my father. I think it was then that I knew that I had to try to find my happiness out here, not when or if we make it back to Earth. --- 'Cause I've done everything I know... To try and make him mine... -- I did try things with Chakotay, within my limited field of 'trying'. I let myself be with him a little more outside of duty. I allowed him behind the walls a little. But I couldn't let him do more than kiss me, and I knew then that it wouldn't work. --- And I think I'm gonna love you... For a long, long time... --- How could I know that the love I was looking for with Chakotay hadn't come to me yet? How could I know that the love I wanted to give was going to be in the form I had almost forgotten I *could* love in? --- Caught in my fears, blinking back the tears... I can't say you hurt me, when you never let me near... And, I never drew, one response from you... All the while you failed all of the girls you never knew... --- I didn't ever feel pressure from Chakotay. I was scared, though, so scared, about letting him in. I didn't realise then that he wasn't letting me in either. How could I have responded to him when he wasn't responding to me? Did I know that it wasn't women he preferred instinctively? --- 'Cause I've done everything I know... To try and make him mine... And I think it's gonna hurt me... For a long, long time.... -- There's a part of me that hurts, though. I did imagine Voyager flying into dock on Earth, and stepping out into Mark's arms. That image sustained me for more of the beginning of our journey than I like to remember. And saying goodbye to something you dreamed of always hurts. -- Wait for the day, you'll go away... Not that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay... And, life's full of loss, who knows the cost... Living in the memory of a love that never was... --- I think one of the reasons that Chakotay and I couldn't start was because I didn't want to lose what we *could* have. I know that sounds contradictory, but I love Chakotay as my dearest friend, and I don't want to lose that, ever. But I do still think... What if we had risked it all and been incredibly happy? That's the love I'll never know, and a part of me still wonders if I should have risked everything and just let it happen. --- 'Cause I've done everything I know... To try and change your mind... And I think I'm gonna miss you... For a long, long time... --- I don't think I'll ever *not* miss what might have happened between us, and I don't kow if I should have tried harder to get him to think of me. I'm going to miss those late meetings, lingering over dinner with him, talking about everything and nothing. That's what I missed most about Mark, and it's what I did rely on Chakotay for. I've tried to have a few of those meetings since he and Tom got together, but they always seem cut short. Although I have to admit that *I* have cut them short as often as Chakotay has. --- Yes I've done everything I know... To try and make you mine... --- I didn't pursue a relationship after Chakotay and I didn't work. I'm not quite sure why, but no one on the ship really seems a possibility. I think the gulf of command is too wide, and for those who it isn't too wide, they seem to have found other company. But there's one person who doesn't feel that there *is* a gulf, and that's both a blessing and a curse at times. I think it's a blessing right now, though. I'm lying in my bed, watching her sleep, and I feel so complete, I know it's right. I couldn't have approached her. How could I have? She is a child in so many ways. But a woman in the ways that count. A woman who could come up to me after the party and say to me: "Now you are free, we can copulate." I must teach Seven more about privacy. Although there are some things she doesn't need a teacher for at *all*. --- And I think I'm gonna love you... For a long, long time... --- She doesn't need a teacher to find the spot on my neck that makes me shiver. She doesn't need a teacher to kiss me the way no one's ever kissed me before. And she doesn't need a teacher to teach her that she is what I need, always and forever. Because she already knows. And I have the rest of our lives, however long we are granted, to teach her about love and human emotion. I don't know if it will be long enough. --- The End