The BLTS Archive- Reactions: A Heart In Need Of Care by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Please do not link to the story without my permission. This story is to be posted only to BLTS, CPSG and ASC/EM. Dedicated to Sapphire, Debra and Judy, who helped me see that there were more things in this episode than are dreamed of in canon...* *Apologies to William Shakespeare. Song lyrics from Call The Man, from Celine Dion's Falling Into You CD. This story is a sequel to my Chakotay/Sisko and Chakotay/Ro stories, The Dance and I Love You, Goodbye (that's the story with Ro), as well as my Kira/Ro story Wrath Of The Prophets. The story begins at the party that had just started as the episode finished. Pretty major spoilers for Hunters if you haven't seen it yet. Mention of events from Year Of Hell, Nemesis and Caretaker as well. --- For an impromptu party, it had certainly grown quickly, Tom reflected. He looked over the dance floor, smiling at the couples, many of whom had a new sense of freedom in their relationships. Obviously those who had had a chance, even long-distance, to make some kind of resolution with their old lives and their new ones. Tom had made that resolution with himself long ago, sometime after he had returned from the Kazon ship. He wasn't, strangely, upset by not seeing his father's letter. He chose to believe, as B'Elanna had suggested, that it had contained good news. He would probably never know, it was unlikely that his father would be alive when the ship returned to the Alpha Quadrant, so he decided that dwelling on it would be a waste of time and energy that he didn't need to expend on fruitless what if's. Tom almost laughed aloud at the last thought. Who'd have ever thought that the Tom Paris of four years ago would ever be thinking like this? But then again, as so many people told him, he *wasn't* that Tom Paris any more. Which was probably a good thing, considering that *that* Tom Paris had been one step away from total self-destruction via alcohol and drugs. It had been a long hard road for Tom, and he was not about to let something that he couldn't change detour him from the life he was building now. He bowed and smiled as Captain Janeway and Chakotay came into the holodeck, playing his equally impromtu role as host with relish. Neelix had drafted him to act as host, although he welcomed the distraction. He noticed that Chakotay seemed more withdrawn than usual, and determined to ask the First Officer about it later. He had people to greet right now. As the party progressed, he noticed Chakotay in several encounters with the former Maquis crew members. Chakotay seemed to be telling his former crew something, and most of them left the party almost as soon as he told them, looking unhappy. It must be something from the letters, but what could it be? Even if one of the great Maquis leaders had died, surely that would not cause so much pain? "Hey, flyboy, want to dance?" a feminine voice asked him. "B'Elanna, I'd love to," Tom replied, and led her to the dance floor to the strains of an old twentieth-century song about a rose. "Chakotay must be telling the others," B'Elanna remarked, as yet another Maquis left the holodeck. "Telling them what?" "It's not my place to tell you, Tom. You should probably go and ask Chakotay." "After this dance. I like dancing with you, B'Ela. I miss it, sometimes." "Yes, but...it wasn't meant to be. I think I knew it when I decided to stay in Engineering that time you were injured on the away mission. I know it wasn't serious, but if it had been...real...I would have been there, no matter what the problem with the engines were." "When are you going to stop beating yourself up over that, B'Ela? I forgave you for that a long time ago. And besides, if it were Tuvok, you and I both know that you'd be in Sickbay before the com finished going off." "How...?" "Observation, intuition and you just told me," Tom grinned wickedly, "I didn't know for sure until just now." "Much good *your* knowing will do me," B'Elanna lamented, "He's so damned *Vulcan*! I wish...I wish he would just go into Pon Farr and then maybe..." "You know...there has to be an easier way than waiting seven years," Tom mused, a glint appearing in his eye. "Tom, I'm warning you, if you *dare* tell Tuvok anything," B'Elanna didn't realise that her voice was quite audible to the Vulcan across the room...who had been paying close attention to her conversation with Tom from the time his name had been mentioned. Tuvok deliberately walked over to the striking couple, and asked B'Elanna to dance. She accepted almost before he had started to ask her, and they disappeared into the crowd. "At least she didn't realise..." Tom thought, eyes searching the room for Chakotay. In recent months, Tom and Chakotay had formed a bond, a bond that they weren't quite sure of the basis for, but it had seemed to happen very quickly, just after they had passed through Kremin space a couple of months ago. There was...something between them after that, something that was as strong as it was inexplicable. Tom had always been protective of Chakotay, even though the man was hardly inspiring of protectiveness. Perhaps it was the vulnerability that Tom *knew* was under that stoic exterior that had let to his worrying a great deal about him when he had been trapped on the warring planet, and rescuing him at the start of their journey, but this bond was something else. It wasn't even spoken, it was just...there one day. Suddenly it was no longer an unusual occurrence for Tom and Chakotay to play pool together on a regular basis, or to work out together. But there hadn't been more, and Tom had been surprised to find that he *wanted* more. That had been gradual, and Tom wasn't sure if it was part of the bond, or that the bond had intensified the feelings of lust he'd had, being honest with himself, since he'd first met Chakotay. Tom knew that, for him, this newfound bond was a part of the reason his relationship with B'Elanna hadn't worked. The party continued late into the night, and Chakotay eventually left. Tom still hadn't had a chance to ask him what was going on, but he decided that if the party didn't continue too late, he would go and see the First Officer after he left. Soon after Chakotay left, Jerron and Ayala were sitting alone, and Tom joined them for a few minutes. "I can't believe it," Miguel Ayala looked shattered. "It doesn't seem real," his lover agreed. "What's happened?" Tom asked, "Is it something to do with a message from the Alpha Quadrant?" "Yes it -" Jerron said, before a look from his lover cut the words off. "Tom, I think you should go and talk to Chakotay. He needs someone," Miguel said, remembering that Tom had done the same for himself and Jerron when his loyalty to the memory of his wife had almost cost him his relationship with Jerron. How ironic that his message would free him to make the life he needed with Jerron. And maybe the messages would help Tom and Chakotay as well. Tom left the party as soon as he could, and the turbolift ride to Chakotay's quarters was over more quickly than he had ever thought it could be. Tom leaned on the door chime. Nothing happened for long moments, and he almost left, thinking that Chakotay must have gone to sleep, when he heard an almost inaudible murmur of entry and the doors swooshed open. The room was darkened and quiet. There were no lights in the living room, and Tom could just make out a dim line around the door of Chakotay's bedroom. Should he leave? Then he heard the almost inaudible sobbing. All thoughts of leaving fled, and Tom rushed to the door, leaving it open in his haste to find out what was going on. --- Close the door.. Shut the world away... All the fight's gone from this wounded heart... Across the floor... Dreams and shadows play... Like windblown refugees... --- "Please...Tom...close the door. I...I can't bear to have it open," Chakotay gasped between sobs. Tom immediately gave the command, and once the door was closed behind him, he moved over to sit beside the bed, not wanting to join the other man on the bed. "What are you doing here?" Chakotay asked, the sobs beginning to quiet at last. "Miguel. He said that you needed someone. But no one has told me *why*. Please, Chakotay, tell me what's going on!" Chakotay, realising that *not* knowing was affecting his friend, gathered his emotions, and, in as matter-of-fact a way as possible, told Tom of the destruction of the Maquis. --- Call the man who deals in love beyond repair... He can heal the world... Of hearts in need of care... Shine a light ahead... When the next step is unclear... Call the man... He's needed here... --- "Gods, no," Tom whispered, thinking of the acquaintances and friends that he had lost. And... "Ro Laren? Did...did you hear anything about her?" "Yes. Thank the spirits she was one of the lucky ones. She was on Deep Space Nine when it happened." Tom closed his eyes for a moment in silent prayer for one of the few people who'd stuck by him through everything. Ro had been the closest thing he'd had to family for the past few years, and he was relieved that she was still alive. And he also knew that Chakotay had other reasons for feeling this way. He remembered their first meeting, and Chakotay's instinctive jealousy of his and Ro's closeness. That had been a large part of their adversarial relationship, in fact most of it. Even though Tom and Ro had continually protested that their bond was nothing more than friendship, and Chakotay had by then been sleeping with Seska, there was still that underlying tension of two men who were important to the same woman between them. Although even then, for Tom, there had been more to it. --- I close my eyes... I remember when... Your sweet love filled this empty room... The tears I cry won't bring you back again... Unless the lonely star should fall... --- Then Tom realised what Chakotay had lost. It was the reason he had left Starfleet, the reason they were all here. And now it was gone. It was obviously devastating to Chakotay. "I'm sorry," Tom said, reaching for one of Chakotay's hands. He was shocked when Chakotay captured one of his hands and brought it to his lips, kissing the palm gently. --- Call the man who deals in love beyond repair... He can heal the world... Of hearts in need of care... Shine a light ahead... When the next step is unclear... Call the man... He's needed here... --- "Chakotay...?" "Are you," gaze intent, "Honestly going to tell me that this hasn't been building for the past couple of months? Or even longer?" "But...I don't want this to be just..." "One night of comfort? Neither do I. I don't intend to stop this once it starts." "Chakotay...I don't know if we should. You have so much to deal with..." "And I don't want to deal with it alone. Unless you'd rather wait until I've got it somewhat behind me?" "I want to help you, Chakotay. I know how much you must need someone to lean on right now. But I don't want to be the port in the storm." "Tom, you're *not*. Dammit, I wanted to make love to you last week as much as I do right now!" "Really?" "Really." "Could we talk for a while first? I don't think I'm ready to just get into it, so to speak." "I'd like that. I think...I need that, too," and Chakotay allowed himself to be led to the living room. --- Needed in the chaos and confusion... From the plains to city hall... Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall... --- "You know, I blame myself for this whole journey," Chakotay began. "Chakotay, that's absurd! If it's *anyone's* 'fault', it's the Caretaker's. He brought us here." "Yes, but we would never have been in the path of the beam if it weren't for me." "If you think *that* way, *I* could blame myself for putting Voyager in the path of the beam, too." "I hadn't thought of it like that. I guess the whole thing's so confused in my mind, it's just easier to blame myself and not circumstances." "Have I ever been there," Tom answered, softly. "Really?" "Oh, yes. Caldik Prime...among other things." "Have you ever felt like giving up?" "Every damn day, for a long time. But I eventually figured out that it wasn't my fault." "I'm still getting there, I think." "If you're starting, though, I think we have gone as far as we can for now. I think...maybe I should leave now." "Please don't, Tom. I still want you." "And I still want you, Chakotay. But I know that I'll want you tomorrow just as much." "Tom...if I could prove to you that I'd want you tonight, whether or not I'd had the huge upheaval that I have, would you get over this chivalrous crap and be with me?" "How could you do that?" "Would you?" "Yes, but I don't understand..." "Stay here," Chakotay moved to the computer console, and selected a chip. He booted it up on the computer, and called Tom. "My personal log for this morning. *Before* I got the message." Tom read through the notes about various shipboard matters, smiling at Chakotay's personal spin on them, and was surprised to see that the First Officer had noticed Tuvok and B'Elanna's obvious tension as well. Then he found the section that pertained to their discussion. //I wish I could tell Tom. Tell him that I dream about us together. Not only having sex, although that's part of it, of course. But more than that. I want to wake up with him in the morning, and have him complain about the time, I want to rub his neck after an impossible day at the conn, and I want to help him on the holodeck. I just want to be with him, for as long as it takes us to figure out what this is and where we're going.// "Chakotay..." "Still think it's only because of the message?" Tom didn't answer in words. He stood up, flicked the computer off, and took Chakotay into his arms. The kiss was gentle, but hungry, as Tom explored the mouth that occupied several of his favourite fantasies. --- Call the man who deals in once upon a time... Maybe he can mend this broken heart of mine... Shine a light ahead... Now the future isn't clear... Call the man... He's needed here... --- "I'm glad we got those messages," Chakotay whispered as Tom helped him out of his clothes, "Because that's what brought us together. Can you *imagine* how long we'd have screwed around, or, rather, *not* screwed around," he grinned as he realised what he had said, "If you hadn't come here tonight." "Remind me to thank Miguel," Tom said between kisses to Chakotay's neck. Chakotay was nearly incapable of rational thought at this point, but he knew that they would need lubricant. Luckily he kept some in his bedside stand, he didn't like to masturbate 'dry' if he had the choice, so he reached over and pulled it out. Tom grinned, as he had just been wondering about the same thing. But he wanted to play first, he thought, teasing Chakotay's gorgeous smooth skin with his tongue. Chakotay gasped when Tom began circling his left pectoral muscle, slowly, oh, so slowly, drawing into the centre, and the hard nipple that waited for his touch. Chakotay moaned as Tom finally took it between his teeth, teasing and pulling it to a point just below pain. Almost instinctively, Tom turned his attentions to the other nipple, not wanting to hurt his emotionally vulnerable lover physically in any way. Chakotay sighed as he felt the first finger brush against his opening, instinctively relaxing to the gentle invasion. Tom rolled his finger inside his lover, causing Chakotay to moan loudly with pleasure when he brushed his sensitive prostate. Tom swallowed the moan in another passionate kiss, as he emoved his finger. Chakotay moaned again, this time in protest, as Tom squeezed some lubricant onto his fingers. Tom plunged two coated fingers inside Chakotay this time, Chakotay's movements almost throwing him off the bed. Tom was startled, but realised that his lover was throwing himself into sensation to forget the emotional devastation. So he smiled, and continued gentling him open, the smile growing wider as Chakotay started pushing himself back on his fingers when he added a third. Tom maneuvered Chakotay onto his back, and Chakotay smiled, moving his legs over Tom's shoulders. Tom stopped, for just a moment, looking at the vision of beauty before him, until Chakotay made an impatient noise. Tom couldn't wait any longer, so he entered Chakotay in one stroke. Chakotay gasped at the invasion, then started moaning again, constantly. Tom thrust into his lover, then pulled out, almost to the head, before burying himself inside the warmth that welcomed him. Chakotay's erection bobbed in front of him, and Tom took it into his still-slick hand, moving on him the with the same rhythm that he moved inside him. A few strokes later, Chakotay's orgasm hit, and he covered them both in creamy liquid. Tom gasped at the pressure on his hardness, and spilled over the edge, filling Chakotay with his essence. The room seemed strangely silent after their climax, but neither man wanted to break the feeling of connection with speech. Tom got up, as Chakotay seemed almost insensible, and brought a washcloth from the bathroom to clean them both. Chakotay sighed, and moved slightly under Tom's ministrations, starting to come back to himself. "Don't go," he whispered, as Tom took the cloth into the bathroom to recycle it. "I won't," Tom promised, slipping back into the bed, holding Chakotay close. Chakotay burrowed into the strong embrace, and just before he slipped into sleep, he whispered four words. "I love you, Tom." Tom smiled, and followed him into sleep, determined to be the first to say it the next morning. --- The End