The BLTS Archive -Rain Must Fall
by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com)

---

DISCLAIMER:  Everything Trek belongs to Paramount.  I'm just
borrowing them for some angst.

Ariana's point about our always assuming that all of our
characters have no problem with a homosexual relationship got me
thinking.  This is usually either a good or a bad thing.  Which of
those it is in this case, I leave up to the readers.

Although there is no sex, there are intimations of m/m desire in this
story.  Do not read if offended by such things.

Character death.

Tom's POV, which I've never tried seriously before.

Set around ten years from now in Voyager's timeline.

Distribution:  CPSG, ASC archive, R'Rain's archive.  No other
distribution except privately among friends without my express
permission.  Linking is fine.

For Mona, who will probably cry.

---

I loved him.  Still do, for what it's worth.  Not that he ever could
or would feel that way about me.  And it's not the intense dislike
we felt on first meeting, either.

That first meeting...gods, that seedy backwater bar on some black
market planet.  Then he walks in , so quietly authoritative, and
I, of course, go into patented smartass Paris mode without even
thinking. Guess he reminded me too much of my father...and I'm not
going there.  This is supposed to be about him, not the Admiral.
And we finally worked it all out, anyway, whatever there was to
work out, when we finally got home.

Home...where is that?  It's sure as hell not on Earth, not any more.
It's not only the many years we spent in the Delta Quadrant, I was
never completely at home on Earth even before then.  B'Ela, of
course, doesn't want to think about staying here, thank the gods.
I think she knows that I can't stay, and she won't ask, knowing
that I feel this way.  I do love her, even if it's not with that
intense, soul-deep passion I feel for him.

Feel...not felt.  I can't talk about my feelings for him in the past
tense, even now.  Maybe because they were never fully realised.
Or maybe because they haven't died yet, and probably never will.
I can't imagine not feeling this way about him.  And gods know
I've tried not to feel this way.  More times than I can count.
Especially after I tried to tell him...I still don't know if he
was being deliberately obtuse, trying to let me down gently, or if
he truly did not realise what I was telling him.  Maybe I was
too subtle, which would be a laugh, me, Tom Paris, subtle?  B'Ela's
always said that I'm an open book to her.  She always suspected
that all that anger had a deeper element, and when I finally
accepted that he was never going to look twice at me, except as a
friend, she was there for me through it all.  How many times did I
wake her up in the middle of the night to cry on her shoulder?
More than I can remember.  More than I want to remember.

When did I finally accept it?  It was before he married Kathryn.  Long
before the worst day of my life.  How I refrained from getting
plastered and locking myself away, I'll never know.  B'Ela,
probably.  It's always been B'Ela.  I don't deserve to have had
her love, not without being able to return it.  I told her that
once, but she said that as long as she could have me with her, it
didn't matter to her that my heart lay elsewhere.  It matters to
me, probably more than it should, but I know myself too well to
think that I could let a second love get away from me, after losing
his.  Okay, never having his, but I can't help thinking of it as a
loss.

I knew long before New Earth of his feelings for her.  Hell, one of
the things I pushed his buttons with during that time I was acting so
obnoxious was those feelings.  It was easy, too easy, to feel
venomous enough about that to be able to make him angry about it.
I wanted to tell him it was a lie, so many times, but I couldn't.
I'd like to think that I had that to blame for never having him,
but I know damn well that it had nothing to do with it.  He would
never, could never return my feelings.  Not because of any bad
feelings from our past, I'd probably find that easier to accept
than the reality.

No, he simply does not have any desire towards men.  So it's not me,
which is some small comfort on those endless nights when I lie
awake thinking of things that will never be, feeling B'Elanna
beside me, needing her warmth, but not wanting to wake her.  Or
hearing one of the children stirring, and having to stay still so
that when she goes to check on them she won't notice that I'm
awake.  Or at least that she won't acknowledge it if she does
notice.

You know, I truly do feel that it would be easier to accept that he
didn't want to be with me because of our past than it has been to
accept his absolute lack of interest in men.  And I'm not the only
one who looked on Voyager.  Miguel Ayala and I spent many a night
in Sandrine's commiserating with each other over a bottle of synth
tequila about his indifference.  We never considered turning to
each other, though, and he got over his feelings.  At least I
assume he did, he married Megan Delaney.  Then again, maybe he
assumes that I got over mine because I married B'Ela.  Gods, I
hope he is over it, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else.

I don't think he does know, which I suppose is another of those small
blessings.  I don't think he would have asked me to dance at his
wedding if he had.  Gods, I loved that.  It was a slow one, and
the feeling of being held by him that one time...that sustained me
through a lot of lonely nights...until B'Ela.  I wouldn't want his
pity for my feelings, that would be worse than his not knowing.
Much worse.

When I started seeing her, it was long after the pon farr thing.
Gods, that was weird, actually wanting to help her, although I didn't
*really* want to make love to her then, I knew that I had to, to help
her.  But we got past that, and got our friendship back.  That was
when I finally told her about my feelings for him.  She told me then
that she didn't think that I had any chance, and of course I knew
that.I was glad, though, that she was the one to help me through the
bad times.  Gods, when he was taken by the Borg...and all the
other near misses on our journey home, his and mine.  There were so
many...

B'Ela's and my wedding was lovely.  We got married a couple of months
after he and Kathryn did.  I think that it was mostly that I'd
finally decided that if I couldn't have him, I might as well get
on with my life, and B'Ela was there, infuriating, beautiful, and
everything I could want...except that I wanted him.  But I wanted
a life, and a family, and if I couldn't have them with him, I had
to find someone else to have them with.  B'Ela and I agreed that a
civil Starfleet ceremony would be best, because our religions are
so diverse.  I'm still shocked we managed to reach a compromise
over the children, but maybe I shouldn't be.  We both want what's
best for them, and always will.

Owen was first, a beautiful little boy.  Gods, he looks so much like
me at that age...except for the ridges.  B'Ela was *horrified* at
the thought of our children having ridges, but I told her that he
was as beautiful as she was, and she eventually agreed with me.
She didn't even blink when Lina was born with more pronounced
ridges than Owen, and Tom Jr and Amara didn't even occasion
comment from her about their ridges.  And after that we decided to
stop, because four children are enough for any couple.  Of course,
T.J. and Marry were unexpected.  Not the pregnancy, but that it was
twins.  I still remember when Doc told us, I almost fainted.  Only
almost.  It was that much of a shock.  But I wouldn't change the
children for anything.  I sometimes wonder, if he did come to me
now, would I go to him?  I don't think I could.  I couldn't do that
to the children.  I think that I'm very glad that I'll never have
to make that choice now, but I don't think I'd have had the
children if I'd ever thought that I'd have to make the choice, I don't
think that I could ever have considered doing that to a child, and
if I'd thought at that point that there was any chance...

I don't know why I'm thinking about him so much.  Maybe it's because
we're home now, and I've been chosen to fly that new experimental
shuttle.  It's like this is the final step, I've finally accepted
totally that we won't even be working together any more.  I'm
going to miss it, but not as much as I thought I would.  Living on
Mars will be good.  Close enough to Earth to go back when we want
to, but not so close as to feel hemmed in by my father...or him.

Anyway, I have to report for the first flight of anything but Voyager
in fifteen years in a couple of minutes.

Computer, cease recording.

---

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna.

"Why?  Why did you want to show me this?  Why now?"

"Because," her voice was soft, "Because you were in his mind until..."

"He was right, you know."

"What about?"

"It wasn't him. I've never ever considered men in that way.  I'm not
prejudiced, by any means, it's just not for me."

"He knew."

"He makes that so clear.  I'm sorry, B'Elanna."

"What for? I had something of him that you could never have. I
suppose you could say the same, but you didn't know about it.  And I
have the children."

"I wonder if he knew that he might..."

"It's always a risk, Chakotay.  We both knew that.  Hell, we brought
the children up to believe that."

"I wish I'd known.  Maybe..."

"No, Chakotay, you could never have considered it.  I *know* you.  It
happened how it was meant to be."

"You feel that, even about Tom's death?"

"It's how he would have wanted it.  Probably not so soon, of course.
But it's how he would have chosen."

"Did they find the design fault?"

"Yes, and it's been corrected in the other shuttles.  No other pilot
will  die because of it."

"If only Tom hadn't had to," Chakotay's commbadge beeped.

"I'll leave you alone, Chakotay."

"B'Elanna..." he trailed off and just held her for a moment, not
having  the words to convey his feelings.

"I know.  See you and Kathryn next week for dinner with the children.
All of them."

Chakotay smiled at the thought of his and Kathryn's son and  daughter
playing with Tom and B'Elanna's children.  Then he let  B'Elanna out
of his office, and answered the signal.

After he finished talking to Admiral Nechayev, he played Tom's log
again, and cried for the beautiful young man who'd loved him for long
without his knowledge.

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The End