The BLTS Archive- Points of View: The Fear Of Being Alone by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer. They all belong to Paramount and not me. I make no claim on anything but the ideas in the story. The song, The Fear Of Being Alone, written by Walt Aldridge, Bruce Miller, sung by Reba McEntire, is also not mine. I couldn't help it! The idea for this story popped into my head this weekend, and it wouldn't let me go till I wrote it. Okay, so *I* was wondering just how the boys did get together in For My Broken Heart too, and Chak decided to tell me. Wasn't that nice of him? I thought so. This isn't really the story I intended to write with this song (I *did* intend to write one), I'd had thoughts of using it in the C/P Resolutions story. But I was listening to the CD, thinking about For My Broken Heart, and this song came on. Fate? Probably, especially as For My Broken Heart was pretty much intended as a standalone (but I've said that before too ;). Oh, yeah, if you missed anything, this does have an m/m relationship, and some kissing and a couple of bad words. Nothing more graphic, though, I'm intimidated enough at writing from Chak's POV. However, if you don't like m/m or just can't deal with two guys in love, leave now and do us all a favour. Feedback, as always, is gratefully appreciated. May be distributed on CPSG, BLTS, ASCEM. May be archived on the ASC archive, R'Rain's site and the CPSG archive. Anything else, please ask. Takes place a couple of weeks before For My Broken Heart. Time span is late third season, after Favourite Son, but before Worst Case Scenario. Dedicated to Karen, because she asked too. --- I kissed Tom Paris. Spirits, I never thought I'd say *that*, at least not outside those half-remembered dreams and fantasies. Had I thought about it? Yes. Had I ever expected to do anything about it? No, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Kathryn. Life can be a very strange journey sometimes...if I hadn't impulsively gone to the holodeck that night two weeks ago... I hadn't been able to sleep, Kathryn was negotiating with the leader of the planet we were orbiting, and she'd decided to stay on the planet overnight. We'd been separated at night before, but that wasn't the only thing that was bothering me. I knew that Tom Paris had recently ended his relationship with B'Elanna, and that soon after she'd started seeing Tom's best friend, Harry Kim. Tom wouldn't be human if he weren't having some kind of an emotional reaction to that, even though to everyone's knowledge the decision to end the relationship had been mutual. And I'd caught those odd glances in Harry's direction when no one else had seen him, even when he was with B'Elanna. Not that I'd ever thought he'd cheat on her, I'd take him apart if she didn't do it first, but I got the impression that if Harry had ever given him the slightest encouragement, Tom would have left B'Elanna for him. It's strange, I suspected, or knew, of his feelings for Harry, but I never thought... As I couldn't sleep, I decided to see if I were the only one with the problem. I asked the computer the location of several people, and they all turned out to be in their quarters. Big surprise at 1100 hours. Then I asked if any of the holodecks were running. It turned out that holodeck two, Sandrine's, was running. It had been a while since I'd been there, the recreational program used recently had been the resort, but I admit, I missed the atmosphere of Sandrine's. I asked who was running the program, and it turned out to be Tom. I thought that I could kill two birds with one stone, talk with Tom and spend some time in Sandrine's. Tom was suprised to see me, but he welcomed me as he always did anyone who used the program. He challenged me to a game of pool, and I agreed. He asked me if I'd had trouble sleeping without Kathryn, and I'd said yes. He'd looked sad, and said that he had the same problem now. It was getting ate, but I decided that I'd have a drink with him and talk a little longer now he *finally* seemed about to open up. --- We ordered up one more bottle of wine... You told me your story and I thought about mine... You said when you lost her you lost everything... It all started havin' a familiar ring... --- I wasn't surprised when he told me that he had thought that maybe after he nd B'Elanna didn't work out that he'd have a chance with Harry. I remembered how he'd looked after that prison ordeal, and those touches of jealousy during some of Harry's more interesting adventures. But before he'd been able to do more than make plans for some holodeck time together, Harry and B'Elanna had officially started dating. It was just enough time after their break-up to not have anything to do with it, although Tom wondered if he and B'Elanna had both had similar reasons for ending things...he didn't think he'd ever know, because he didn't think he could ask her. He wasn't devastated, though. He'd had the chance to get over it. He'd been more upset by the end of his relationship with B'Elanna, he'd truly thought that they were together for as long as they were granted, and he'd tried everything he could to make that relationship work, but it had just not been meant to be. I *was* surprised at how much I was enjoying just talking to him, and I was slightly annoyed when the noise level in the bar increased to a level which it was difficult to talk above. It must have shown...he suggested changing to a quieter program, and I agreed. It seemed he wanted to talk more as well. --- So I asked you to take me some place quiet... We wound up at the river for the rest of the night... Somewhere around the break of day... I could hear it coming from a mile away... --- He called up a generic setting, some idealised version of a river with grassy banks and wooden seats on the grass. The conversation ranged far and wide, and after a while, I realised that I wasn't just talking to talk, I genuinely wanted Tom to get to know *me*, not the commander, or the man who had been so furious to find him on Voyager. I told him things I hadn't even told Kathryn, wanting to share parts of myself with him that I hadn't shared with her. Then I made a funny remark, and it set Tom off into gales of laughter. Spirits, the man is so beautiful when he laughs. I think that was when it happened. I think that was the moment the shields finally broke, and I realised. I didn't act on it then, I couldn't. The knowledge was too new, and too startling to act on just yet. --- So don't say that word... Not the one we both heard too much... You may think you do but you don't... It's just the fear of being alone... --- There have been too many romantic disappointments in my life. Seska was the worst, because it wasn't just what she did to me, it was the betrayal of everything I believed in that really got to me. There were other relationships that didn't work out too, but I don't like to think too much about the bad times, the memories can interfere too much with enjoyment of the good times. --- Reckless hearts can clear a path... Wider than a hurricane's aftermath... We've both traveled down that road... Where in the name of love anything goes... --- We talked more, of course. He confided in me his fears about getting back to the Alpha Quadrant. I'd had no idea. None. He was terrified that he'd lose his freedom again. That had been the worst part of prison, he'd said. I knew that the conditions now weren't as barbaric as they'd been five or six hundred years ago, but still...prison is prison. He didn't say so, but I got the impression that there had been more. I tried to draw him out, but he wasn't ready then. He still isn't, but I know he will be one day, and I'll be there to help him. --- So don't say that word... Not the one we both heard too much... You may think you do but you don't... It's just the fear of being alone... --- I hadn't realised how lonely Tom was lately. I don't think anyone did. But of course I should have, or someone should. But, and this did surprise me a little, he was still not completely accepted by a lot of people on the ship. Oh, the bridge crew he usually worked with, and one or two others, including several past conquests did, but still, I hadn't realised that among many of the people on the ship he was still considered a traitor in one way or another. I was sad for him, but he said that he couldn't change people's minds for them, and those that counted (he gave me a significant look when he said those words, one that I didn't interpret till later) reserved judgement. Of course it didn't help that his closest supporters were too busy being in love to supply the usual foundation Tom needed. Not that he said that, but I knew he thought it. So did I. --- Like a child in the night... With no one to hold you... And tell you everything's gonna be all right... --- You know, it wasn't really Tom's looks that I fell for. I mean, he is a beautiful man, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't appreciate that, but what I think I really fell in love with that night was his vulnerability. I don't know what it is about him that makes me want to hold him and tell him it's going to be okay, but I do know it's what I fell in love with. That's what made me lean over and capture his lips with mine. He responded. Oh, spirits, I can still *feel* his lips, his tongue, those perfect teeth... --- I must admit it's been fun... But that's no reason to jump the gun... If this is real, time will tell... So let me bite my tongue and remind myself... --- There was a large part of me (no, not *that* part) that wanted to take Tom to his quarters, lay him down and make love with him. Yes, even then, it was make love, not just have sex or fuck. I think that that, more than anything else was what stopped me. When I knew that it was more than just a sexual response, that was when I decided to stop. I couldn't make love to Tom while I was still involved with Kathryn. It wasn't fair to any of us. So I said to Tom that I wanted to make love to him, but we couldn't now. He understood, and he wasn't hurt. He wanted to wait too. It's funny how we knew, even then, that there *would* be a later. The connection was too strong. --- So don't say that word... Not the one we both heard too much... You may think you do but you don't... It's just the fear of being alone... --- Just today we moved my things out of Kathryn's cabin. The ending was so civilised it was hilarious, or it would have been if I didn't have to hurt Kathryn so much. I know I hurt her, I hurt for the end of us, too, even though I know it's right that I'm here with Tom now. And he's just come out of the bathroom, he took the second shower. We're not ready to share one yet, but that will come, with time. And we have all the time we're granted, whether it's one glorious night, or a long, happy life together. I'm counting on the second, but preparing for the first. It's the only way to live. --- The End