The BLTS Archive- Points of View: For My Broken Heart by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer. They all belong to Paramount and not me. I make no claim on anything but the ideas in the story. The song, For My Broken Heart, written by Liz Hengber and Keith Palmer, sung by Reba McEntire, and it's also not mine. Sigh. This story is *not* supposed to be here. It's really not. I'm *supposed* to be in the middle of a historical C/P story, but I need to ait till I get some dates before I make a couple of the decisions in that story. And I've been rather...obsessed with this song lately. I hadn't quite decided whose POV to do a story like this from, I was tossing up between B'Elanna and Kathryn, and one line decided me. Virtual backrub from the Tom from Come In Out Of The World to the first person who guesses which line and why. And yes, for the newbies, this *does* contain the lyrics to a country music song. If you *really* hate the genre, you probably won't like the story. I tend to write songs into my stories, whether one of the characters (usually Tom) sings it, or as in this case, when I use the lyrics to bridge each scene (so you can skip them if you don't like it), or, more correctly, be inspired by songs to write stories. And I don't care what's said about my writing, but I do ask for respect in differing tastes in music. I happen to love country music, but I know there are people who don't. Or who just don't listen to it, but have no great opinion one way or the other. All of this is perfectly fine, but I don't want feedback saying "I liked it, but I hated the song because I don't like the musical genre". That's not really what the story's about. Speaking of which, any and all feedback, comments, constructive criticism (but no flames) are very welcome, publicly or privately. May be distributed on CPSG, BLTS, ASCEM. May be archived on the ASC archive, R'Rain's site and the CPSG archive. Anything else, please ask. Dedicated to all of those who have had any of these thoughts and feelings at the end of a relationship. --- There were no angry words at all... As we carried boxes down the hall... --- It was never about being angry. I don't think I could ever be angry with him, even though he ended our relationship to be with someone else. But I'm not angry. I'm disappointed, and sad, but I expected to be when I realised things weren't going to work out, that I didn't have what he needed, and, more importantly, that he didn't have what I needed. --- One by one we put them in your car... Nothing much for us to say... One last goodbye and you drove away... I watched your tail-lights... As they faded in the dark... --- Gods, the ending was so damned civilised, I nearly choked. Carrying his boxes to his old cabin, the things that we'd moved a few months ago into my cabin, laughing, joking...except for the important difference, things didn't change. But the important difference...that made *all* the difference, to the three of us. Yes, the three of us actually managed to move the things with no incident. It's not as if I were about to verbally, or, gods help us all, physically attack Tom. Aside from anything else, I do respect and care for him too much to do that. And one thing, they never did anything behind my back or underhanded. I am grateful for that. I prefer things to be open and honest, no matter how much it hurts. And gods, yes, it does hurt. --- I couldn't face the night in my lonely bed... So I laid down on the couch instead... --- I actually tried to sleep in my bed last night. I don't know why I thought I could do it, it's been *far* too long that I've been used to having him beside me, even before he 'officially' moved in, we spent most of our nights together. I'm still not sure exactly when that all changed, and we still, even up to probably the last few days, slept in the same bed. I'm going to miss that. --- Last night I prayed the lord my soul to keep... Then I cried myself to sleep... So sure life wouldn't go on without you... --- Yes, I cried last night. I'm human, and the ending of something always hurts. I never thought that I'd die without him, though. I've never thought that I'd die without anyone, even Justin. I knew that I'd be forced to go back to living then, eventually. But I did wonder if *life* would go on, after this. I still do, in some aspects, but I know that the most *important* aspect of my life, the quest to get us home, that will go on. It has to. --- But oh this sun is blinding me... As it wakes me from the dark... I guess the world wouldn't stop... For my broken heart... --- Yes, I suppose I could say that I'm burying myself in my work. But it's not only that. I need something to focus on, to remember that my sadness isn't all that's going on here. There's still some concern that Starfleet or the Maquis...gods, I haven't had to consider them separately for so long that I'd almost forgotten the need...will have some resentment on my behalf, or even on behalf of themselves about Tom and Chakotay. I can only pray that this is not so, because I don't want to be in the position of defending them. I can do that to myself, I can listen to their defences, but I don't, unless it's unavoidable, want to have to defend them publicly. I'm hoping for as smooth a transition as possible. --- Clocks still tickin, life goes on... Radio still plays a song... --- Oh, yes, *now* the music program plays the song we first danced to. It's not like I've got enough to remember. The time on New Earth, when we first thought that maybe... Then after Tom seemed to show interest in B'Elanna, I decided to take the chance. Yes, before B'Elanna, I did wonder... There was too much going on between them to put it down to mere anger, but I don't think they could have gotten past it if they hadn't become involved with other people. And if Tom and B'Elanna had worked out, then I know Chakotay and I would have been happy. But Tom and B'Elanna didn't work out. I don't know the details, but I know she didn't leave him for Harry, that happened after. I'm glad of that, I don't know if Tom and Harry's friendship could have survived, and I wouldn't want that. I know that my and Chakotay's friendship will survive, because it wasn't killed when he left me. --- As I try to put my scattered thoughts in place... And it takes all the strength I've got... To stumble to the coffee pot... --- Ah, the smell of coffee. He used to tease me about my love for that, even more than the love of the drink itself, sometimes. I've got to focus, and get my mind off these random thoughts, to devote myself to duty. Organise my thoughts logically...maybe Tuvok can help. --- The first of many lonely mornings I've got to face... You call to see if I'm ok... Look out the window and I just say... --- Well, things are going to be like this for a while, I can tell. Not that I'm looking forward to it as such, but once it's over, I'll be able to go on, I think. I was able to go on after Mark... Mark...such a gentle, sweet man. Nothing like Chakotay, yet they are similar in some ways. I hope he's gone on with his life, I don't want to find him waiting for me. After all, I didn't wait for him... Gods...that beep was Chakotay. He wanted to know if I was coping all right. Of course I said I was, I'm not about to cry on his shoulder over his leaving me. Not yet, anyway. --- Last night I prayed the lord my soul to keep... Then I cried myself to sleep... So sure life wouldn't go on without you... --- Life must go on, so I prepare for duty. Donning the uniform like a suit of armour (yes, we Captains do hear the gossip...eventually). Brushing my hair, pinning it up...gods, I remember how he loved to pull it down...always as the prelude to making love... --- But oh this sun is blinding me... As it wakes me from the dark.... I guess the world wouldn't stop... For my broken heart... --- It's a bright day, as it always is. But it seems that the lighting is just a little bit more pronounced this morning. I don't know if that's because I see things through the crystal of tears, or if the lights *are* slightly brighter... I'll have to see, after I can think of him without tears, because that's going to happen. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And then I'll be able to look and see if there is someone on this ship who I can go on with. Or if, sadly, I'll spend the next few decades alone. But it will be what is meant to be, whichever happens. --- I guess the world ain't gonna stop... For my broken heart... --- I step onto the bridge, perfect Captain's mask in place. It almost falters as I see them, standing together over Tom's station, Chakotay whispering something to Tom, Tom laughing up at him, telling him to save that for later... Thank you, Tom, I know you know I'm here, and you're sparing my feelings. And maybe his too, but I know part of it is for me, and I love you for it. I turn to Harry and ask him for a report, and the day begins, its minutiae keeping me from remembering too much. --- The End